Evil Glenn's Halloween Costume
The Alliance wants to know what Evil Glenn's Halloween plans are. Well, I'll tell you that later... right now I have found out what his puppy killing disguise halloween costume will be. So be on the look-out for this: Evil Glenn Costume
[ Drink Alert in effect ]
Bullshit so far »» BigStick.us links with: OMG PERMALINKS
» BigStick.us links with: OMG PERMALINKS
Mr Shit Head
An extremely modest man, Frank J, was in the hospital for series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, Frank J decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. Frank J suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunken idiot, Harvey, was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. Harvey started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with half the shitty sheets in a tangled pile at his feet, the other half wrapped around his big old head.
As Harvey stood there, unsteady on his feet, scratching his ass and staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, Blackfive, who was barely containing his laughter and had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here? "
Harvey, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost. "
[ Happy Halloween ]
Joke provided by Candy Universe and Cragerized by Madfish Willie!
» BigStick.us links with: OMG PERMALINKS
» BigStick.us links with: OMG PERMALINKS
Episode 0006824377
Next Up on Random Munuviana...
Airing Wednesday on Kosher Zombie TV at full moon:
Random Munuviana Episode 0006824377.
Touch prefrontal lobes for another half hard space drama. Tonight's episode. Ted hallucinates when a floating fat man molests a box of amusing artifacts.
Later on, Doctor Jennifer goes to a highspeed shuttle to find the enemy base. Tiger feels empowered when Tim disfigures The Borg Queen at a rare photo opportunity. Meanwhile, Victor (Oh my g-d, they killed Dead Meat)'s lice-infested flying pigs escape from confining religious delusion, causing nightmares for Leann.
You'll love the bloodshed when Chuck's energy relay station is attacked by black Nazi Burger Queen in a living alien transit device. Pixy Misa blasts the hostile forces into withdrawl after dodging inside a dense metallic asteroid, saving Susie's badly designed transport vehicle from certain destruction.
Finally, after a generous slew of ads for Cherry's aging phone sluts, Don's monkey glands, and Jim's ant farms, some electricians and a couple of the Munuvian body doubles stand around the secret mirror and look at Jennifer's fetish vinyl, everyone has a hearty laugh and they roll the credits next to a teaser for the Donald Trump execution.
After the show, the model makers go to Helen's for corn dogs and a blow job. Everyone is growing extra sets of arms and Mookie Riffic's blue planet is a great place.
Content provided by Monkey Fingers.
The names have been cragerized
to try to make it funny.
Bullshit so far »
Jokes by Kang A Roo
Dumb-Ass Jokes told by Kang A. Roo
First Kangaroo: What do you call a big irish spider ?
Second Kangaroo: Paddy long legs !
First Kangaroo: What is a spiders favourite TV show ?
Second Kangaroo: The newly web game !
First Kangaroo: What do you get if you cross a spider and an elephant ?
Second Kangaroo: I'm not sure, but if you see one walking across the ceiling then run before it collapses !
First Kangaroo: What do you call a 100 spiders on a tyre ?
Second Kangaroo: A spinning wheel !
First Kangaroo: What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses ?
Second Kangaroo: If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital !
First Kangaroo: What kind of doctors are like spiders ?
Second Kangaroo: Spin doctors !
First Kangaroo: Why are spiders like tops ?
Second Kangaroo: They are always spinning !
First Kangaroo: What has 8 legs and likes living in trees ?
Second Kangaroo: Four anti road protesters ?
First Kangaroo: What did the wife spider say to her husband when he tried to explain why he was late ?
Second Kangaroo: Your spinning me a yarn here !
Cheers!
» angelweave links with: All Around Munuviana
» Abject Apathetic Procrastination links with: It seems the joke is on me
Friday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast...
"Friendship is the wine of life,
Let's drink of it, and to it."
Yogism
After seeing the opera Tosca, Yogi remarked, "I really liked it, even the music was nice."
Quotes on Drinking:
"Work is the curse of the drinking class." Oscar Wilde
Things A Man Should Know: About Women:
Women have to pay more for their haircuts, dry cleaning, and shoes, and this upsets them.
ClueBat Insults
Thou warped, tickle-brained varlet!
Movie Madness
Mr Stabby
Today's Foreign Language Party Cookie is Hindi (click thru for the really good stuff)
gaandu: asshole
tatti: shit
Chutiya choo-tia: Fucker
Gaand gaa-nd: Ass
Lund luh-nd: Cock
Mammey mumm-aye: Breasts
Jhaant ke juye: Pubic hair lice
Tatta fry: deep fried Balls
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »You Asked, Harvey Answers
You asked and Harvey, my Blogfather, from Bad Money answered - all your questions.
The latest heart-stopping, thrilling interview is posted at Jennifer's History & Stuff.
Harvey did a great job answering with both a touch of humor and slight bit of intelligence. However [blaming it on MS Outlook] he neglects to send links with the questions. He does make it up by posting site links on his page.
Go over to Jennifer's now and read Harvey's interview, and then go over to Harvey's and kick his ass for not doing the linky thingy right!
Bullshit so far »Episode 0006821512
- Next Up on Random Munuviana...
Airing Monday on Channel Gone at Bottle Time:
Random Munuviana Episode 0006821512.
Tune in for Random Munuviana. Yet another reason you should go buy a Writers Noose. Your hacker stupor clears as Jennifer learns to hate space when an insane scientist lies to try and get several dangerous telekinetic midgets from the M4 cluster.
Later on, Mookie goes to neutral space to find some batteries. The Borg Queen feels weak at the knees when Helen sucks Don at a kinky sex encounter. Meanwhile, corrupt executives escape from dead end careers, causing crossed eyes and hair loss for Cherry.
Feel the terror of a near collision when an inhabited mining complex is attacked by doped-up xenophobic mercenary warriors, led by Pixy Misa, in a pair of time skipping battleships. Tuning Spork blasts the ignorant invaders into withdrawal while reciting the Iliad and drinking Scotch, saving LeAnn from becoming Ensign Dead Meat.
Finally, after several insultingly vapid ads for weight loss clinics, disposable diapers and Thorazine crisps, Simon and Jim stand around the hidden peephole and look at Space Babe Helen's naked curves, everyone has a hearty laugh and they roll the credits next to a teaser for Tom's Nap Room.
After the show, the camera crew goes to The Practical Penumbra for a Dew and a little abuse. Everyone is fat an' fucked up and the eleventh Michigander dimensional universe is a great place.
Content provided by Monkey Fingers.
The names have been changed to convict the guilty.
Bullshit so far »
The Adventures of Madfish Willie
The Romantic Life of a Sailor
I'll start this story off like every other Navy sea story with the proverbial; "This is a no-shitter!"
My submarine pulled into Hong Kong back in '91 for a week and the first night we all headed out to a neat club called Madfish Willies. We had been underway [spanking the monkey] for about a month and were ready to get drunk and chase hot wild young good-looking women [Corner of the Bar Babes] - we have to live up to that submariner stereotype, don't we?
I got to the bar and edged in between two big hairy bastards and ordered six beers. I started talking with them and found out they were Viking Sailors. I only remember one of their names, Finn the Viking, because after he told me his name he turned his bottom lip out to show me the "Fuck You" tattoo. They were really plastered and after a few shots of B-52's they returned the favor and insisted on buying us Americans a drink. I never refuse a free one and before I knew it Finn the Viking leans over and yells to the barkeep, Linda: "Two shots of Johnny Walker Black!" I love J W Black and water but have to be really smashed to drink it straight. I have since then remedied that obstacle.
I protested to Finn the Viking but it didn't matter. The shot was shoved in my hand and he leaned over me and said "Drink it, Yank." Afraid of what would happen if I didn't I tossed it back. It got about 3/4 of the way down my esophagus before making a U-turn. I put my hand over my mouth but it was too late. I spewed the Johnny Black and some of my dinner across the bar and onto Linda who had returned with Finn the Viking's change. She cussed me and pointed to the bathroom. Finn the Viking picked my up by the collar, knocking my cowboy hat off in the process, and walked me the 10 feet to the shitter. He kicks open a stall door and shoves my head into the shitter. "Git to it, mate."
A little more came up and I was fine but embarrassed and pissed off since my last vomitous happened more than 2 years prior. I started to get up off the floor but Finn the Viking put his hand on my shoulder and pushed me back down. "You're not done yet, mate." I assured him I was but it didn't matter. Being a good shipmate, Finn the Viking pushes me to the side and says, "Here, we'll do it together." He shoves half his hand down his throat and after a few seconds of gagging and a sound I cannot even attempt to describe, he puked into the shitter.
I was so disgusted seeing our puke swirling around in that shitter that I lost it. What was left of my dinner came up in a matter of seconds. I was exhausted and couldn't keep from thinking about what just happened and I started to laugh. Finn the Viking tore off some shit paper and started to wipe my face off. He picked me up and we went back to the bar where my cold beer is now warm beer (with only two sips taken from it), and my hat, laying crushed to a pancake beside my barstool, waited for me. Linda gave me a dirty look and threw a bar rag in front of me and pointed to the puke on the counter. "Dammit, wipe that nastry crap up before you do another fucking thing." I wiped it up, thanked my new Viking friends, grabbed my crushed cowboy hat and my warm beer and went to the far side of the bar to start hitting on the Corner of the Bar Babes and Chinese girls with British accents.
Signed Matt O'Blackfive
[Ed Note: Blackfive wasn't in the Navy, but it's still a good dinking story]
Cheers
Bullshit so far »» Note-It Posts links with: In tribute...
» Note-It Posts links with: In tribute...
» Note-It Posts links with: In tribute...
Jokes by Kang A Roo
Dumb-Ass Jokes told by Kang A. Roo
First Kangaroo: What do you call a frog spy ?
Second Kangaroo: A croak and dagger agent !
First Kangaroo: What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair ?
Second Kangaroo: Lily !
First Kangaroo: What do Scottish toads play ?
Second Kangaroo: Hop-scotch !
First Kangaroo: How did the toad die ?
Second Kangaroo: He simply croaked !
First Kangaroo: What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak ?
Second Kangaroo: Morse toad !
First Kangaroo: What's the world's weakest animal ?
Second Kangaroo: A toad, he croaks if you even touch him !
First Kangaroo: Whats white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions ?
Second Kangaroo: A hot frog !
First Kangaroo: What happens if you eat a hot frog ?
Second Kangaroo: You'll croak in no time !
First Kangaroo: Where do frogs leave their hats and coats ?
Second Kangaroo: In the croakroom !
First Kangaroo: What's green and tough ?
Second Kangaroo: A toad with a machine gun !
Cheers!
» Abject Apathetic Procrastination links with: It seems the joke is on me
Thursday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast...
"May we never see an old friend with a new face."
Yogism
"Yogi met George Bush during a election campaign. Bush said Texas was important. Yogi said "Yexas has a lot of electrical votes."
Quotes on Drinking:
"Were I to prescribe a rule for drinking, it should be formed upon a saying quoted by Sir William Temple: the first glass for myself, the second for my friends, the third for good humor, and the fourth for mine enemies." Joseph Addison
Things A Man Should Know: About Women:
Women, much like men, are human, and thus appreciate it when you ask them questions about themselves.
ClueBat Insults
Thou infectious, full-gorged haggard!
Movie Madness
Mark
Today's Foreign Language Party Cookie is Chinese (click thru for the really good stuff)
hum kah chan: death to your family!
lok chat: dick
hamsap: horny person
gai: whore
lun-yeung, lun tao: dick face and dick head
jhew lun dou: Pig cock scrotum
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »New Blog Showcase
The Alliance calls us to vote and we answer.
The New Blog Showcase this week has three entries I like:
The first one I linked over to from Linda, at Civilization Calls. It is called Legalizing Illegals and is from Peripheral Mind.
The second entry I liked is Compliments Wanted from Dipped in Chocolate.
The third entry I liked was a new blog from Daniel, a Munuvianan. He new blog is named Bsurot Tovot and his post is called Our Mission.
Go over to The Bear's and support these new bloggers - read their stuff, and if its not your bottle of beer, you don't have to tip.
Bullshit so far »Adios Blogspot!!
Well, I'm finally making the move to MT with the Munuviana group. This will be my final post at this site.
My new address will be http://MadishWillies.mu.nu/ or Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon.
While I personally never had any problems here with Blogger and Blog*Spot, there is just a more robust feature set to not make the move. My file archives will still be here for the time being until Pixy Misa or someone over at Munuviana can assist me in moving them to the new server. I guess I'll keep this address for backup and emergencies - whatever that might be.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Episode 0006815992
Next Up on Random Munuviana...
Airing Tuesday on Psychic-Net at 'Bout Zero Hour:
Random Munuviana Episode 0006815992.
Get ready for another exciting episode. This time, our hero Tuning Spork gets the space clap when an intolerant nine hundred pound military dictator takes possesion of a jar of defective human brains.
Later on, Mr Green goes to Tom's Nap Room to get the orbital parking validated. Pixy Misa feels discorporate when Jennifer eats Tim at a sentient nanophysics class. Meanwhile, photonic life forms escape from the vortex, causing nightmares for Jim.
Action builds to a climax when a remote fuel depot is attacked by malfunctioning Borg warriors in a living alien machine. Don talks the destructive space pirates into withdrawl while threatening self destruction, saving a refugee barge from slow death.
Finally, after a generous slew of ads for infanticide, ass waxing and fabric softener, some dorky technicians stand around the secret mirror and look at Susie's naked breasts, everyone has a hearty laugh and they roll the credits next to a teaser for the Bill Clinton Execution.
After the show, the actors go to Munuviana for fine cookin' and a bit of fun. Everyone is morphing into giant insects and the future is a great place.
Content provided by Monkey Fingers.
The names have been changed to convict the guilty.
Fuck You!
I have a horrible habit that I cannot seem to break. I cuss worse than a sailor. As a matter of fact, sailors run the other way when they hear me coming. Shit, crap, piss, bitch, prick, cock-sucker, muther-fucker, asshole, fuck, dick,...
When I ran across this article, it was too good not to share with everyone, that is unless Jennifer hasn't already done it.
The Historical Origin Of The Middle FingerNow you know! Bullshit so far »by Rich Dunn
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
Calling Shotgun!
You may have asked yourself: "Self, just what are the rules of calling shotgun?" Well, Let me tell you, there are many rules. I am here now to give you a primer on Calling Shotgun.
[Shit, I didn't know this was such a complicated affair. When I was growing up, it didn't matter if you called shotgun, you got the crap beat out of you by the the toughest kid and had to ride bitch.]
Introduction
The calling of Shotgun is a time-honored tradition. In today's world, it is the act of reserving the front passenger seat in the automobile that caller is about to ride in. The activity has become fairly complex and an important activity. Hence these rules have been created to govern this activity and to explain the responsibilities of this position. In actual practice, the rules of the owner/driver of the vehicle applies.
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
» Note-It Posts links with: In tribute...
» Note-It Posts links with: In tribute...
» Note-It Posts links with: In tribute...
The Adventures of Madfish Willie
Rock n Hurl
We, the Corner of the Bar Babes from Madfish Willie's, were on our merry way to this big concert. Dana, Susie, Candy and I were very excited so in order to relax we decided to drop by Madfish Willie’s to have a few beers.....Well a few beers turned into 2 cases between Dana, Susie, Linda, Kate, Serenity, LeAnn and I. By the time we had gotten to the parking lot to drive to the concert, we were pretty toasted. Harvey and Blackfive told us we shouldn’t be driving, but we held our ground. We loaded up in the panel bus, with Finn the Viking designated driving for us. Upon entrance to the concert to our dismay we learned that alcohol sales stopped at 9:30. Oh the inhumanity! Even worse the beers were near $6.00 each. But this did not stop our mission to get plastered. Since each vendor will only sell you 1 beer at a time we found some fast food drink holders and went around and got 8 beers each! On our way to our seats, Susie and Dana were stumbling and sloshing beers and being belligerent all around. Linda, Jennifer and Kate met some protestors (what they were protesting we will never know!) but Linda took their sign and tore it up, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it. "Goddam, hippy protesters!", she yelled at them. They started to give us a bunch of shit, but Finn the Viking came up behind us, and they ran away like a bunch of wimps. Then, we went to the show. To make a long story short, I drank all of my beer (I am a 120 lb female), passed out before the show was over and then started throwing up in public during the final act of Rage Against The Machine (quite gracefully I must add). Serenity almost went to detox because she was so wasted but managed to summon the strength to stagger past the cops to the bus, then passed out. Meanwhile, Finn the Viking was taking digital pics of everyone passed out and throwing up so he could post on the Madfish Willie’s web page...not cool.....I was konked out the whole way home and to this day have never lived this show down!!!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »» Note-It Posts links with: In tribute...
» Note-It Posts links with: In tribute...
» Note-It Posts links with: In tribute...
Dumb-Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes told by Kang A. Roo
First Kangaroo:What is a parrot?
Second Kangaroo:A wordy birdy!
First Kangaroo:Whose parrot sits on his shoulder shouting "Pieces of four"?
Second Kangaroo:Short John Silver!
First Kangaroo:Why wouldn't the parrot talk to the Frenchman?
Second Kangaroo:Because he only spoke pigeon English!
First Kangaroo:My parrot lays square eggs but can only say one word.
Second Kangaroo:What's that?
First Kangaroo:Ouch!
First Kangaroo:How do you know you are haunted by a parrot?
Second Kangaroo:He keeps saying "Oooooo's a pretty boy then?"
First Kangaroo:Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage?
Second Kangaroo:Pupil: For a parrot to perch on, miss.
First Kangaroo:Where do the cleverest parrots live?
Second Kangaroo:In the brain tree forests!
First Kangaroo:What do you get if you cross a bee with a parrot?
Second Kangaroo:An animal that's always telling you how busy it is!
First Kangaroo:What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot?
Second Kangaroo:A walkie-talkie.
First Kangaroo:Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Second Kangaroo:The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)
Cheers!
Wednesday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast...
"My heart is as full as my glass,
When I drink to you, old friend!"
Bart's Call to Moe
That's all of Bart's prank phone calls to Moe!
Here is a soundbite of several prank calls.
Here is a complete list:
- Phone call for Al...Al Coholic...is there an Al Coholic here?
- Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!
- Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely!
- Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!
- Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz!
- Uh, Homer Sexual? Aw, come on, come on, one of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!
- Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
- Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt
- Uh, Hugh Jass? Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
- Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
- Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
- Ivana Tinkle? Ivana Tinkle? All right, everybody, put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!
- All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?
- All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!
- Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme! Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, Heywood U. Cuddleme?
"You have to give 100% in the first half of the game. If that isn't enough, in the second half, you have to give what is left."
Things A Man Should Know: About Women:
Know that while Rhett Butler can get away with telling Scarlett O'Hara that she "should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how," you cannot.
ClueBat Insults
Thou spleeny, rough-hewn pigeon egg!
Movie Madness
Jamie and The Magic Todger
Today's Foreign Language Party Cookie is Slovenian (click thru for the really good stuff)
cepec: moron
kurba: whore
kmet: peasant, farmer
pirnièan: really stupid person
vosu: idiot
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Evil Glenn Quotes
Harvey at Bad Money has compiled all of the Evil Glenn Reynolds Quotes posted by Alliance members on their blogs as a requirement of membership. They are posted over at The Alliance HQ page.
My favorite is, of course, mine.
Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon - "If I were half the mixologist that The Bartender is, I wouldn't be blogging" -- Glenn Reynolds
Next, I like these:
Physicsgeek - "The Physics Geek is a nerdy fellow with absolutely no socially redeeming qualities. It's like I'm looking in a mirror." - Glenn Reynolds
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler - "The Emperor's unstoppable might is the reason that no puppy blender can feel secure." - Glenn Reynolds.
There are many more to laugh at... Go on over and check it out!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Lessons From Teddy
The Alliance wants to know what life lessons I have learned from Ted Kennedy? Well, he taught me several things, some of which have come in very handy in dealing with life's everyday problems. He's given me lessons on everyday skills, lessons for personal safety and well-being, lessons that I should ignore and lessons that I never intend to forget.
- First, he taught me how to drive.
Then, he taught me how to swim.
Then, he taught me how to lie.
Then, he taught me how to get away with stuff.
Then, he taught me how to be fat pig.
Then, he taught me that he knows what's better for me than I do myself.
Last, but not least, he taught me to order doubles!
Cheers Bullshit so far »
Comments?
Comments? We don't leave no stinkin comments!
What's the deal with people never leaving comments to my stuff? It's not funny? You don't like it? You hate my guts?
Maybe I'm just weird, but when I go to a site and browse around and read stuff, I leave a footprint so the blogger knew that I was there. Shit, say something... anything... hi... bye... good morning... fuck you! I expect the usual suspects to follow up on this and leave me the obligatory FY in the comments and I have a comment for you: Bite Me!
Just wonderin, s'all!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »» Publius & Co. links with: Bloggers Block.
» Bad Example links with: ON COMMENTS - UPDATED 3-20-05
You Asked, Jen Answers
It looks like The Nanopundit has turned the tables and interviewed the lovely Jennifer.
These blogger interviews are a really good idea and Jennifer's execution of it is outstanding.
My interview is in the que over at Jennifer's History & Stuff. I hope I can be as funny as Bad Money, my Blogfather or Blackfive, my Blog Uncle.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Venomous Kate
Venomous Kate leaps tall buildings and overcomes sickness and all other obstacles to give us another edition of The Hunting Of The Snark.
I've been working on my move over to MT at Munuviana this week-end, and I haven't had time to read most of them, but I saw some familiar tracks over there: Bad Money, Blackfive, Madfish Willie, Paige's Page, Snooze Button Dreams are on my regular reading lists.
I don't know about anybody else, but I get all giddy when I see my site mentioned by one of the Mortal Humans. Plus I get a shitload of traffic (which is slightly less than a buttload of traffic). I love getting a Kate-alanche or a Rumble-lanche.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Random Madfish TV
Warning!!! Warning!!! Warning!!!
Output may contain crude language, adult themes,
sexual innuendo or necro-bestiality. Never can tell.
May cause hair loss in test animals, dry mouth, vertigo, or night sweats.
Airing Monday on PoNet at Closing Time:
Random Madfish Episode 0006812860.
Stop that snoring, hoser. It's time for painfully predictable space melodrama. Watch in horror as Grand Nagus Frank J talks smack when an expendable bit player, aka the guy in the red shirt, bids on some infected alien undies.
Later on, Doc Russia goes to the ice planet to get some privacy. Romulas feels seriously hungover when Doctor Who flogs Dana at a lesbian sushifest. Meanwhile, some fatassed crack smoking politicians escape from lockdown, making a mess for Serenity.
Stay around for jiggly camera work when Madfish Willie's is attacked by black Nazis in an organic battle craft. Harvey confuses the dangerous aggressors into withdrawl by threatening castration and endless torture for the attackers, saving a drifting space station from curvy space and air sickness.
Finally, after a few gazillion ads for home lyposuction kits, disposable diapers and pepper spray, a bunch of dykes from engineering stand around the video console and look at a kinky bimbo's tattooed boobs, everyone has a hearty laugh and they roll the credits next to a teaser for Class of Nuke 'em High.
After the show, the camera crew goes to the Mamamontezz' place for a nice apple pie and a little abuse. Everyone is brushing and flossing and the planet Houston is a great place.
Content provided by Monkey Fingers.
The names have been changed to convict the guilty.
The Adventures of Madfish Willie
This story took place a few years ago when in was illegal to buy beer after 11 P.M. or on Sunday. So it was late one Sunday night and Harvey, Blackfive, Eric, Steve, Finn, the Viking and I were feeling a little thirsty. It was difficult to buy beer during off-hours but not impossible if you had the right connections - which they did. So we made the trip to a store which would sell us beer after hours, at nearly double the regular price, and they picked up a couple of dozen and went on home to watch some TV. The first beer Harvey opened seemed like the best beer he ever had. He drank it in a matter of seconds - and so did Blackfive - so did I. We all reached down for our second beer at the same time and chugged that one just as fast and thenwe had another and another. We were all looking at each other and grinning but trying to keep quiet about how fast we were drinking. This went on for about a half-hour or so without Eric, Steve and Finn, the Viking noticing. By the time they finished their third beer Harvey, Blackfive and I had the rest of the 2 dozen gone. At first they thought we hid the beer but then they saw we were half cut. We thought Finn, The Viking was gonna kill us all! He was cussin' and yellin' and raisin' all kinds of hell. Just as he was going for his mighty nordic killing sword, Steve and Eric tackled him and held him down until we could all pile on top. With a mighty heave, he threw us all off - just like one of those Popeye cartoons. Luckily, this made him too tired to kill us. Well, they were all pretty pissed at us but there's no use crying over chugged beer, so we went back to the store and got a few more cases. Harvey mad Blackfive buy cause he always tries to get out of paying at the bar. After we got back to Madfish Willie's, Harvey made some cheese sandwiches and everything was back to normal.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »» Note-It Posts links with: In tribute...
» Note-It Posts links with: In tribute...
» Note-It Posts links with: In tribute...
Dumb-Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes told by Kang A. Roo
First Kangaroo: Why did the chicken cross the road ?
Second Kangaroo: To get to the other side
First Kangaroo: Why did the rooster cross the road ?
Second Kangaroo: To cockadoodle dooo something
First Kangaroo: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?
Second Kangaroo: He heard the referee calling fowls
First Kangaroo: Why did the turkey cross the road ?
Second Kangaroo: To prove he wasn't chicken
First Kangaroo: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again ?
Second Kangaroo: Because he was a dirty double-crosser
First Kangaroo: Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road ?
Second Kangaroo: Because he didn't have enough guts
First Kangaroo: Why did the chicken cross the playground ?
Second Kangaroo: To get to the other slide
First Kangaroo: Why did the dinosaur cross the road ?
Second Kangaroo: Because chickens hadn't evolved yet
First Kangaroo: Why did the turtle cross the road ?
Second Kangaroo: To get to the shell station
First Kangaroo: Why did the horse cross the road ?
Second Kangaroo: Because the chicken needed a day off.
Cheers!
Tuesday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast...
"May we never want a friend,
Or a bottle to give him."
Bart's Call to Moe
[Bart, sending a telegraph message to Moe's]
Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme! Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, Heywood U. Cuddleme?
A large man turns and stares at Moe as Lenny and Carl laugh
Oh, do, that little, ooh...
I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific!
Bart laughs
Yogism
Yogi ordered a pizza, the waitress asked "How many pieces do you want your pie cut?" Yogi responded, "4, I don't think I could eat 8."
Things A Man Should Know: About Women:
Women who come from big families are more fun.
ClueBat Insults
Thou puny, milk-livered mammet!
Movie Madness
Today's Foreign Language Party Cookie is Welsh (click thru for the really good stuff)
Cachau bant: Fuck Off
Cach: Shit
Pigyn: Penis, dick, cock
Pen pidyn: Dickhead
Wyneb cach: Shit face
Mwnci: Monkey
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Random Madfish TV
Warning!!! Warning!!! Warning!!!
Output may contain crude language, adult themes,
sexual innuendo or necro-bestiality. Never can tell.
May cause hair loss in test animals, dry mouth, vertigo, or night sweats.
Airing Sunday on your Brain Implant TV at Midnight:
Random Madfish pisode 0006811505.
Stay tuned for Random Madfish. With yet another formulaic cheeseball space based thriller. Today's episode. Lord Spatula I joins a cult when an expendable bit player has crazy ideas about modified human body parts.
Later on, Straight White Guy goes to the Continuum to beat the snot out of an old enemy. Linda K feels strangely invincible when The Borg Queen eats Serenity at a weird little vacation planet. Meanwhile, Jem'Hadar killers escape from Borg space, causing angst and loathing for Harvey and Rocket Jones.
See guts and brains on the walls when a subspace communications facility is attacked by doped up gangsters in a living alien machine. Blackfive phasers the violent cretins into withdrawl through sheer luck and brinksmanship, saving a struggling NCC 1701 from bad hibbidy-jibbidy and vampires.
Finally, after several aesthetically deafening ads for moldy oldie CD collections, disposable diapers and personal trainers, Harvey and Rocket Jones stand around the remote viewscreen and look at a FINE bimbo's sleeping quarters, everyone has a hearty laugh and they roll the credits next to a teaser for Insomniac Cannibal Theater.
After the show, the crew goes to the Champagne Room for sizzlin' hog jowls and a little leather. Everyone is insured for millions and the boundless void is a great place.
Content provided by Monkey Fingers.
The names have been changed to convict the guilty.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Vote For Moondoggie
Go over to Snooze Button Dreams right now and vote for G's new nickname. The poll is a drop down poll in the siderbar. Go.Now.Vote.For.Moondoggie! (Moondoggie was my entry and he's tied for first!)
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Madfish Willie's Halloween Party!
Every year for Halloween, we decorate the joint real scary-like, put on some ghoulish costumes and try to scare the crap out of everybody that walks in the door. I'll be posting about Halloween ralated stuff all week - Jack-O-Lanterns, costumes, trick or treats, and all that kind of neat crap. Here is the first frightnening installment of hell week!
Starting the week off, SilverBlue wants to know how you spend your Halloween.
Psycho Dad at Psychtic Rants found some cool Jack-O-Lanterns that were involved somehow in an Evil Glenn Filthy Lie. Apparently, Evil Glenn was playing grab ass of some sort and this is the end result.
Candy, a Corner of the Bar Babe, from Candy Universe has a really cool looking poll thingy in her sidebar. Go vote and check out Evil Glenn's Halloween pics!
Simon of Simon's World explains the Australian traditions of Halloween.
Still hunting for that fantastic costume idea so you can win the big prize? SilverBlue has some great costume ideas and links to some better ideas at CostumeIdeaZone. He then proceeeds to tell us why you won't win. What an asshole! He makes up by suppling us with this cartoon and this Wonder Woman photo.
Physics Geek, Madfish Willie's Official Brewmeister, pours us a double strength post with 15 reasons Halloween is better than sex and 10 things that sound dirty but aren't.
Captain Awesome at Boat Drinks has candy, costumes, horror movie marathions, special halloween episodes and everything else going on this year.
Caleb at Caleb Walker has a link to HellStop.
Then there's candy: Happy Hulk Halloween, Heather of Angleweave has a diet alternative, and Jennifer from Jennifer's History & Stuff has a yummy recipe for Caramel Apple Cheesecake!
To decorate your site, you can download this really cool script of flying ghosts!!!
That's it for this scary edition of Halloween posts. Tomorrow we'll get in to extreme pumpkin carving and tips from the pros!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »The Adventures of Madfish Willie
The other day, I was interviewing LeAnn. She's a pretty young thing from from The Cheese Stands Alone. She was applying for a barmaid position at Madfish Willie's. She looked familiar... I thought I had seen her somewhere before... but where? I asked her to tell me a little about herself and about her qualifications. So she goes into this little rant.
OK, I've made an idiot of myself here at Madfish Willies many times, but the last time takes the cake. A couple of weeks ago at a birthday party for Susie, my friend, we had more than enough to drink at the hall where the party was held. Nevertheless, Susie decided we should go to Madfish Willie's clubbing with the others. She insisted I join in the drinking competition. Of course, being female and having drunk too much already, I was unable to walk properly pretty quickly. I was carried out of the club by Lord Spatula, Sir John of Argghhh!!! and Finn, the Viking. They chucked us in a cab, where I got sick. The cab also cost me 25 bucks. When Susie got me got home, I couldn't find my house keys. So, she had to try to wake up my mom. It was 2:30am and we couldn't wake her up. So, Susie left me in the entryway, which is where I woke up the next morning with no memory of the night before. I missed two days of college - one cause I was still drunk and the next day cause thats when I got the mother of all hangovers!
There have also been times when I got so hot at a Madfish Willie parties that I took my shirt off. Well, if the guys can do it, so can I, was my thinking at the time. Then I realized I was flashing my boobs at everyone and someone had called the police. Eric and Serenity mad me put me shirt back on so I wouldn't get thrown in jail.
I've been greeted by cheers at work the mornings after Ive been out because of my adventures. To say I go a little wild would be fair. However, I would like to say I dont make a habit of getting completely hammered. The amount of times Ive been like that are few, honestly!
Well, after that little story, I finally remembered Harvey, Misha and Blackfive telling me some story about what happened on my day off.
So, what do you think? Should I hire a girl who takes her shirt off at parties and get shit-faced drunk at Madfish Willie's?
You tell me!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »» Note-It Posts links with: In tribute...
» Note-It Posts links with: In tribute...
» Note-It Posts links with: In tribute...
Jokes by Kang A. Roo
Dumb-Ass Jokes told by Kang A. Roo
First Kangaroo: What has feathers and writes?
Second Kangaroo: A ballpoint hen.
First Kangaroo: Which is the bossiest ant?
Second Kangaroo: Tyrant!
First Kangaroo: What do moose do at a concert?
Second Kangaroo: Make moosic.
First Kangaroo: What do you call it when giraffes moving one way get mixed up with giraffes moving another way?
Second Kangaroo: A giraffic jam.
First Kangaroo: If you were surrounded by 30 lions, 25 elephants and 10 hippos, how would you get away from them?
Second Kangaroo: Step off the merry-go-round.
First Kangaroo: Which ant is an army officer?
Second Kangaroo: Sergeant!
First Kangaroo: What do monkeys eat for dessert?
Second Kangaroo: Chocolate chimp cookies.
Cheers!
» Abject Apathetic Procrastination links with: It seems the joke is on me
Monday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast...
"Here's to you as good as you are
Here's to me as bad as I am
But as good as you are
And as bad as I am
I'm just as good as you are
As bad as I am!"
Bart's Call to Moe
[Bart is calling Homer, who is minding Moe's]
(Bart) Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger, first name Ollie
(Homer) (excited) Ooh, Bart, my first prank call! What do I do?
(Bart) Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger
(Homer) I don't get it
(Bart) Yell out "I'll eat a booger"
(Homer) What's the gag?
(Bart) Oh, forget it...
Yogism
"If you come to a fork in the road take it."
Things A Man Should Know: About Women:
Women dislike men who are liars.
ClueBat Insults
Thou gorbellied, folly-fallen giglet!
Movie Madness
A Frightened Boy
Today's Foreign Language Party Cookie is Persian (click thru for the really good stuff)
kosskesh: pimp
kesafat: you dirty piece of shit
beshoor: no brained
an: diarhhea
kos-khol: sex crazy
amale: dirty piece of shit labor worker
khar: idiot
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Ultimate Blogger Recipe Contest Finalists
These are the top ten recipes for The Ultimate Blogger Recipe Contest:
Harvey at Bad Money for Moneytov Cashtail
Matt at Blackfive for Black Martini
Kate at Electric Venom for Venom & Blight
Linda at Civlization Calls for Fire Water
Denita at Who Tends The Fires for Malpractice
Jeff at BigStick.US for Big Stick Whack!
Acidman at Gut Rumbles for Gut Rumble
SilverBlue at Ramblings of SilverBlue for Moonlight on Water
Eric at Straight White Guy for Antarctic Cosmopolitan
Darren at Colorado Conservative for Cool Colorado Conservative
The voting poll is now open on the sidebar with a link to the actual recipes. The voting parameters are set to 24 hours, so vote the Chicago Way - early and often. Polls close at midnight on October 31, Central Standard Time.
Thanks to everyone that entered a recipe... it was difficult to pick out only 10 for the poll.
I'm gonna have to try some of these out!!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Tales From The Champagne Room
Remember: There is no sex in The Champagne Room!
I don't care if this link gets worn out - I love having an On-line Orgasm!
Don't go drinking with Donnie, from Ain't Done It's, friend Charlie, he'll get you all fucked up!
Russ at Tac Jammer thinks Karaoke is like nudity?
SilverBlue's final thoughts are that Sex Is Bad?
Bejus from Ain't Done It learnt 7 thangs from neekid movies.
The Lovely Helen from Everyday Stranger would like some breasts to go please!
Helen also needs some feedback on how to shape her minge!
Finn, the Viking from Casting Magic Missile got me all dressed and then gave me nowhere to go. Dickhead!
Acidman from Gut Rumbles discusses the difference between the p0rn industry and playing in a band.
Mamamontezz from the Mental Rumpus Room is giving schoolboys Viagra? Like those horny little bastards need any.
James at Outside the Beltway has pics of your favorite blogger babes!
Jfielek at Quibbles-n-Bits is a Love Retard!
SilverBlue's friend PoloRandy discovers how condoms are really made.
Eric at Straight White Guy has a list of pick-up lines. I wonder how many times he got the shit slapped out of him?
Sugarcoated at Sugarmama's reveals a sexual revolution of sorts.
MCSE at The Kingdom of the Geeks father is an exotic dancer in a homosexual cabaret. Not really, but go read anyway.
Eric at Straight White Guy has an echo in Snow White's Fairy Tale.
Read My Boobs - a short movie.
LeAnn at the Cheese Stands Alone has a Pubic Service Announcement.
Margi at www[dot]margilowry[dot]com tell us Where Things Went Terribly Wrong (scroll down the page).
Harvey at Bad Money nominates Susie, a Corner of the Bar Babe for Pet of The Month. I'm pretty sure that he's stepping on his dick here.
Geoffrey at Dog Snot Diaries says Ass Jockey?
Acidman strikes again with dont Bite Me!
Acidman also tells us all about chicken sex.
Jennifer from Jennifer's History & Things should probably have skipped this one.
LeAnn has Cheesy Joke #875. Anyone need a baseball glove and bat?
And to wrap it up, Acidman presents "Dr Acidman's Sex Clinic".
That'll be all that kind of talk for this week!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »The Ultimate Blogger Recipe Contestants
These were all the entries in the contest. I will pick the top ten recipes and post a PollHost.com poll in the sidebar until Halloween. The entry with the most votes wins! Voting can be done once every 24 hours, so vote the Chicago Way - early and often! The winner will be announced on November 1.
Moneytov Cashtail
Equal portions of:
Blue Raspberry Vodka
190 Vodka
Peach Pucker
Combine ingredients in a glass, aiming for a nice money-green color.
Garnish with a dollar-bill-bowtie:
Harvey: Bad Money
Black Martini
5 oz Johnny Walker Black
Over ice, shaken, not stirred
Strain into chilled Martini Glass [It better be a big one!]
Marichino cherry
Matt: Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love
Bullshit so far »
» Electric Venom links with: Taste Test
» VodkaPundit links with: Bottoms Up
» De Doc's Doings links with: Happy 100!
» Note-It Posts links with: In tribute...
» Note-It Posts links with: In tribute...
» Note-It Posts links with: In tribute...
Tales From The Champagne Room
Remember: There is no sex in The Champagne Room!
I don't care if this link gets worn out - I love having an On-line Orgasm!
Don't go drinking with Donnie, from Ain't Done It's, friend Charlie, he'll get you all fucked up!
Russ at Tac Jammer thinks Karaoke is like nudity?
SilverBlue's final thoughts are that Sex Is Bad?
Bejus from Ain't Done It learnt 7 thangs from neekid movies.
The Lovely Helen from Everyday Stranger would like some breasts to go please!
Helen also needs some feedback on how to shape her minge!
Finn, the Viking from Casting Magic Missile got me all dressed and then gave me nowhere to go. Dickhead!
Acidman from Gut Rumbles discusses the difference between the p0rn industry and playing in a band.
Mamamontezz from the Mental Rumpus Room is giving schoolboys Viagra? Like those horny little bastards need any.
James at Outside the Beltway has pics of your favorite blogger babes!
Jfielek at Quibbles-n-Bits is a Love Retard!
SilverBlue's friend PoloRandy discovers how condoms are really made.
Eric at Straight White Guy has a list of pick-up lines. I wonder how many times he got the shit slapped out of him?
Sugarcoated at Sugarmama's reveals a sexual revolution of sorts.
MCSE at The Kingdom of the Geeks father is an exotic dancer in a homosexual cabaret. Not really, but go read anyway.
Eric at Straight White Guy has an echo in Snow White's Fairy Tale.
Read My Boobs - a short movie.
LeAnn at the Cheese Stands Alone has a Pubic Service Announcement.
Margi at www[dot]margilowry[dot]com tell us Where Things Went Terribly Wrong (scroll down the page).
Harvey at Bad Money nominates Susie, a Corner of the Bar Babe for Pet of The Month. I'm pretty sure that he's stepping on his dick here.
Geoffrey at Dog Snot Diaries says Ass Jockey?
Acidman strikes again with dont Bite Me!
Acidman also tells us all about chicken sex.
Jennifer from Jennifer's History & Things should probably have skipped this one.
LeAnn has Cheesy Joke #875. Anyone need a baseball glove and bat?
And to wrap it up, Acidman presents "Dr Acidman's Sex Clinic".
That'll be all that kind of talk for this week!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Finn the Viking
Linda from Civilization Calls, one of The Corner of the Bar Babe's, Husband, hereinafter referred to as Finn, the Viking, has a new blog called:
I think we need to invite Finn, the Viking to be a part of the Corner of The Bar Gang! With a name like that, he can't miss. Plus, he can help us watch over the Corner of The Bar Babes. I forsee many an exciting adventure where Finn, the Viking kicks some major ass!Casting Magic Missile at the darkness
Or sometimes throwing fireballs
from behind the frontline troops
I have found the perfect theme video for Finn, the Viking called Viking Kittens with songtrack by Led Zepplin. Don't let the name fool you. Just because they're kittens, doesn't mean these aren't some Bad-Ass Kittens!
Thios is what Linda tells us about him:
Gamer, Mac initiated, writer, poet, philosopher, impish wag, descendent of Vikings, and so much more... Stop by and say "howdy" to "Galstaff" when you get a chance.So, go over and check him out, and convice him to join with The Alliance against Evil Glenn, the Puppy Blender.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »angelweave
Heather, one of The Corner of The Bar Babes, sent me a bar poem. This poem is where the name of her blog came from. It is a really neat poem and Madfish Willie most humbly thanks bonnie Heather for her grace and generosity!
Here is the poem reproduced in full.
angelweave Bullshit so far »
Murphy's Law
We all know Murphy's Law as: "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong!" Well Murphy has some other laws, too!
MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive ? How do I put it in reverse ?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.
12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."
13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges ?
15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular ?
18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
20. Just remember if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it ?
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Actually, I think we should all get together and beat the crap out of Murphy for even bringing this shit up!
Cheers!
Beer Prayer
The Beer Prayer comes to Madfish Willie's via SilverBlue.
Before we pour the first beer and start the Happy Hour Party every day, we pause for a moment of peace and recite this prayer:
Our Lager, which art in barrels,Cheers! Bullshit so far »
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the Pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangover.
For thine is the Beer, the Bitter and the Lager,
For ever and ever.
Barmen!
Blackfive's Interview
Blackfive's Interview with Jennifer is up! Go over and find what drives Madfish Willie's blog uncle and Charter Member of The Corner of the Bar Gang!
So run, don't walk, over there right now, and check it out. See if you tell what what question(s) Madfish Willie had for him!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Linda's Filthy Lie
Stop whatever it is that you are doing, go grab a cold brewski and a bag of pretzels, then, get you ass over to Civilization Calls!
I usually do all my posting after midnight, but the tale that Linda tells cannot wait until then. So, I am calling an emergency meeting of The Corner of The Bar Gang and The Corner of The Bar Babes to discuss a truly unique event.
Linda has penned an incredible chapter in The Adventures of Madfish Willie. It's a story, not a poem so you'd better get two or three brewskis (and one for me while you're at it).
Quit fucking around over over here. The action is over at Linda's place. Hurry up!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Around the Bar...
As Madfish Willie wonders around lost throught the blogosphere in a drunken stupor, he runs across some interesting things:
Harvey at Bad Money breaks into Michael Moore's has to admire his trophy collection. And he Schwings!
Jim at Snooze Button Dreams has concluded the first part of the name the G contest. Go over and vote in the sidebar pool and vote for Moondoggie (my entry)! Remember vote early and vote often.
That damn Ted at Rocket Jones used a fake ID to buy beer! He's barred!
Our bonnie Heather, (a Corner of the Bar Babe) at Angelweave has her eye on a cool bicycle. Personally, I prefer the one with the spokeless tires.
Acidman at Gut Rumbles had a lunch date. The first time I read about it I just glanced at it and thought it said something else. If I told you what I thought it said Acidman would probable hunt me down with a venegence, so we'll just leave it at that. Did he get laid? Did he pay (for lunch)?
Dana, America's #1 Pin Up Girl and a Corner of The Bar Babe, has a worn out finger? Which one and how? Follow the linkage to find out the whole story.
What the hell is a Flirtini? Drinking, Flirting, Mingling! Allana Baroni has the scoop!
Jim at Snooze Button Dreams has a new on-line writing project called The Lady of the Lake and wants his regulat readership to help him out. Sounds like an interesting experiment, go find out what it' all about.
Ross at Rocket Penguin has his list of 100 things up. It's a little short on one end!
Ross also wants to be the next Pope and outlines his program!
Phelps at the Everlasting Phelps tells us why the televison ratings suck. He's right.
We've all heard the asshole morning radio DJs always jacking with people. Phelps tells us about the Upstart Hayseed, who shuts one of em down good.
Tom at Tom's Nap Room tell us the difference between theory and practice from his new digs at munuviana.
Paul at Sanity's Edge invents gunpowder and take an ass-whippin'
Eric at Straight White Guy tells us why arguing with a Scotsman over an egg is not the smartest thing to do.
Venomous Kate is winding her vacation time with her buddy down and posts some pics.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »The Star Wars Drinking Game
Madfish Willie has a huge repertoire of drinking games! Some of them suck, and some of them are pretty good. Some of them are new and some of them you already know. I'll post the best one's around, starting with this one with a Star Wars theme. I'm kinda of a Sci-Fi fan and everybody likes the original Star Wars trilogy, so here goes:
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
» Brain Fertilizer links with: I Gotta Try This. Alert the Paramedics.
My Google
My google search results on 10.16.2003 weren't exactly what I expected.
Listed in the top 40:
1 Madfish Willie
1 Ultimate Dacquiri
1 Adventures of Madfish Willie
2 Imperial Mixer of Poisons
10 Venomous Martini
17 Ultimate Blogger Recipe
19 Precision Guided Humor
37 Evil Glenn Puppy Jokes
Nowhere to be found:
The Bartender
Ultimate Martini
Ultimate Bloody Mary
Ultimate Margarita
Ultimate Salsa
Ultimate Queso
Ultimate Pizza
What the hell does any of this mean? Don't ask me - I don't know.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »I have seen these goofy
I have seen these goofy quizzes all the place. There are a couple that relate to the Madfish Willie's good time charlie atmosphere.
If you take one of these in the next week, leave a comment, drop me an e-mail, or if you're on my daily blogroll reads, post on your site and I'll compile a comprehensive listing full of gratuitous linkage next Friday.
The reason I want to do this is that I took these tests and came out a little strange. So, maybe I can lose my results among yours! Mwahaha!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Quotes on Drinking - Part 2
Quotes on Drinking - Part II
"My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine. Fortunately, everybody drinks water." Mark Twain
"If the headache would only precede the intoxication, alcoholism would be a virtue." Samuel Butler
"The whole world is about three drinks behind." Humphrey Bogart
"Give an Irishman lager for a month and he's a dead man. An Irishman's stomach is lined with copper, and the beer corrodes it. But whiskey polishes the copper and is the saving of him." Mark Twain
"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid." Richard Braunstein
"Candy, is dandy, but liquor, is quicker." Ogden Nash
"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA." Unknown
"We drink and we die and continue to drink." Dennis Leary
"A bottle of wine contains more philosophy that all the books in the world." Louis Pasteur
"Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony." Robert Benchley
"The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober." William Butler Yeats
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." Henny Youngman
"In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer." Dave Barry
"I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy." Tom Waits
"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." Winston Churchill
"I drink because she nags, she said I nag because he drinks. But if the truth be known to you, He's a lush and she's a shrew." Ogden Nash
"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." George Burns
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Friday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast...
"Old wood to burn,
Old books to read,
Old wine to drink,
Old friends to trust."
Bart's Call to Moe
[Bart on the road]
(Homer) Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura
(Moe) Eura Snotball?
(Homer) What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!
Today's Drinking Story Things A Man Should Know: About Women: ClueBat Insults Movie Madness Dumb-Ass Snake Jokes Today's Foreign Language Party Cookie is Russian (click thru for the really good stuff)
Never ask a woman why she's mad at you, as she will only get madder at your not knowing.
Thou currish, crook-pated clack dish!
We Like The Moon
Why did the viper want to become a python ?
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food ?
What do you call a python with a great bedside manner ?
What do most people do when they see a python ?
What subject are snakes good at school ?
What did the snake say to the cornered rat ?
What do snakes have on their bath towels ?
What do you call a snake that informs the police ?
What did the python say to the viper ?
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell ?
Sooka: Bitch/traitor
tebya ne ebut, ti ne podmakhivai: mind your own fucking business
K Chortoo: go to hell
kooshite govno ee oomeeite: eat shit and die
mudak: an asshole
govniuk: shithead
Cheers!
Drinking Beer Makes You Smarter!
In Madfish Willie's never-ending quest to bring you good news, he often stumbles across something so mind-numbingly obvious, that he hits himself upside the head and says: "Damn, I knew that!"
In this article gleemed from Forbes Magazine, he finds just such news:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.So, there you go - evidence that drinking helps your intelligence!In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
Thus, regular consumption of beer, wine etc., helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we cannot shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be. Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances and co-workers that may be in danger of losing their edge.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »New Blog Showcase
In this weeks New Blog Showcase at The Truth Laid Bear, I'm voting for:
Irreconcilable Musings' post Defending the Blogosphere Front in the War on Terrorism about... you guessed it, defending the blogosphere's front in the war on terrorism.
All Alliance members are required to vote early and vote often in order to beat the new pretenders to our thone!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Washington's Whiskey Recipe
I'm gonna owe Linda at Civilization Calls a few cold ones at Madfish Willie's for the heads up on this article about George Washington's whiskey recipe:
Washington's Whiskey RecipeGo read the rest of this article. It makes for an interesting read!The recipe, or "mash bill," calls for 65 percent rye, 30 percent corn and 5 percent malted barley.
First, grind the grains into a coarse meal. Then, mix the rye and corn in a wood vessel called a "hog's head." Add hot and cold water. Stick your hand in the mash to make sure it isn't too hot. If it doesn't burn, the temperature is just right. Add barley and stir.
Cool the mixture down a bit more, and add yeast. Let the mixture ferment for a few days.
Pour the mixture into a copper still, and let it boil. The alcohol will vaporize and condense, flowing out of a tube, also known as a worm.
Collect the liquid and run it through the copper still one more time. Now you have finished whiskey.
Washington barreled his whiskey and sold it immediately. These days, distillers age it for a few years to improve its taste.
Source: Jim Beam master distiller Jerry Dalton / The Associated Press
Thanks again, Linda, and bring Finn, the Viking along on the next Adventure of Madfish Willie!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »A Reminder...
A reminder: Only two more days to enter the Madfish Willie's Ultimate Bloggers Cocktail Recipe Contest! Here are the entries so far.
Remember the first drink you ever took? (With your parents doesn't count - sneaking out is where it's at!)
How about the first time you got drunk?...
The first bar you were ever in?...
The first bar you ever got thrown out of?...
Check it out and who cares if the stories are true, only if they are funny. This is a friggin' bar after all, we lie to each other all night long!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Beer Makes You Smarter
In Madfish Willie's never-ending quest to bring you good news, he often stumbles across something so mind-numbingly obvious, that he hits himself upside the head and says: "Damn, I knew that!"
In this article gleemed from Forbes Magazine, he finds just such news:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.So, there you go - evidence that drinking helps your intelligence!In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
Thus, regular consumption of beer, wine etc., helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we cannot shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be. Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances and co-workers that may be in danger of losing their edge.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Thursday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast...
"Here's to every man here,
May he be what he thinks himself to be."
Bart's Call to Moe
[Mr. Burns says]
"I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Wayland"
Oh, so, you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Wayland, is it? Listen to me, you; when I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!
Today's Drinking Story
Next Stop - First Floor
Yogism"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
Things A Man Should Know: About Women:
Men always overestimate the size of their wives' or girlfriends' chests even as they underestimate the size of their wives' or girlfriends' hips.
ClueBat Insults
Thou paunchy, ill-breeding lout!
Movie Madness
Tales of The Blode - Episode 1
Dumb-Ass Skunk Jokes
Did you hear the joke about the skunk?
How many skunks do you need to make a house really smelly?
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a dinosaur?
How can you tell when a skunk is angry?
How can you tell a rabbit from a skunk?
What's a skunk's favourite game in school?
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a boomerang?
What did the forgetful skunk say when the wind changed direction?
What did the baby skunk want to be when he grew up?
What's a skunk's philosophy of life?
Today's Foreign Language Party Cookie is Estonian (click thru for the really good stuff)
kurat, saatan: devil
mine vittu: fuck off
munn: penis
piss/kusi: piss
raisk: rotted
Cheers!
Geek Beer
>Madfish Willie's tries cater to a broad range of tastes and clientele. To that end, I would like to introduce a new line of beers being brewed up by Madfish Willie's Official Brewmeister: Physics Geek. This particular line of beer will be for the Geeks among us who truly deserve their own special brand of brewski's! Here's what Physics Geek has in the oven:
DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
MAC Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the wastebin.
Windows 95 Beer:
The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
Windows 98 Beer:
See Windows 95 beer above. About the same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes you crash less.
Windows 2000 Beer:
A new beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but tastes like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look like Windows 2000 Beer's, after Windows 2000 Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years...
AmigaOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well, because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colourful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
Let's all raise a cold draught beer to the Physics Geek for these fine brews!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »The Ultimate Blogger Cocktail Recipe
The Ultimate Blogger Cocktail Recipe Contest:
- Contest is open to anyone (prefer you to have a blog - but will consider all entries).
- You may enter as many times as you wish.
- Send me your favorite cocktail recipe (either in comments or e-mail me)
- Give it a name relating to your blog.
- All recipes posted on Friday, October 24.
- Style points for recipe originality.
- Style points for drink title originality.
- I will determine top 10 recipes.
- My decision for top 10 is final.
- I will post a Poll Host poll at the top of my blog for 1 week.
- Vote 1x per day till Thursday, October 30.
- Winner is entry with most votes posted on Poll Host by blog readers.
- Winner announced on Friday, October 31.
Winner will recieve a 1 liter bottle of your preferred liquor (within reason - don't be an asshole!).
I'll keep these instructions at the top of the page throughout the contest. Good Luck!
Update: Check the links under The Ultimate Blogger Recipes for all submissions to-date.
Update: There are some good new entries today, so go check it out!
Bullshit so far »Around the Bar...
Harvey has been saving up his money so he can stuff the Tip Jar properly. He's been doing some weird things in the mean time like running arould with Counterfeiter Carl, Wayne & Garth, and a bunch of Hillbillies! No wonder he has a big wad o' cash stuffed in his back pocket!
Jen had a crazy day yesterday and reminds us the Blackfive interview is to be posted on Friday. You won't want to miss this event!!
Jim from Snooze Button Dreams is convinced that the EU has taken steps to lure Helen back to Sweden.
James at Parkway Rest Stop tries to explain what a blog is to the unitiated. Tough job!
Acidman at Gut Rumbles tells us about his favorite Heavies!
Eric at Straight White Guy knows how to stock a frig... and a freezer... and around a computer! Maybe he should listen to Ernest Hemingway.
SilverBlue issues an all points virus alert! Don't ignore this warning or you may become a victim of a deleted hard drive!!
Ted at Rocket Jones tells a tale about RippleFire.
Don at Anger Managment has "One More Before I Go" and then tells us why Cops Are Stupid!
For Sale: One Slightly Used Camera - contact the Physics Geek!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Virtual Music
Tonight's playlist is from SilverBlue, Madfish Willie's very own Virtual Disc Jockey. It is titled: The Cheating Time
Tonight's playlist, includes:
Eagles - Lyin' Eyes
Lorrie Morgan - I Guess You Had To Be There
Eurythmics - Who's That Girl?
Roxette - What's She Like?
Garth Brooks - The Thunder Rolls
Reba McEntire - Ring On Her Finger (Time On Her Hands)
Randy Travis - Reasons I Cheat
Shania Twain - Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?
Cathy Dennis - You Lied To Me
Timi Yuro - Something Bad On My Mind
Maureen McGregor - Torn Between Two Lovers
Bananarama - Last Thing On My Mind
Lara Fabian or Josh Groban - Broken Vow
Samantha Fox - Another Woman (Too Many People)
Crystal Gayle - Talking In Your Sleep
Barbara Mandrell - If Loving You Is Wrong (I Don't Wanna Be Right)
Now, get on home you cheatin' bastards!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Your First Drink
Remember the first drink you ever took? (With your parents doesn't count - sneaking out is where it's at!)
How about the first time you got drunk?...
The first bar you were ever in?...
The first bar you ever got thrown out of?...
Madfish Willie remembers all of that stuff! And he wants to hear your stories of "The First Time". Post your stories and send me a link via e-mail and Madfish Willie's will distribute some Drinky Links and he will tell you Tales of The First Time from his own adventures!
He has four tall tales to tell and will tell a tale when he gets some posts to link to!
He is particularly interested in tales from The Corner of The Bar Gang and The Corner of The Bar Babes!!
Maybe we'll even make a contest on who has the funniest tales! If Madfish Willie gets five posts on a particular First Time, we'll post all the links and let the readers decide who was funniest!
What does the winner get? Winner gets to be the featured star of a one of The Continuing Adventures of Madfish Willie stories, with gratuitous linkage and multiple posts!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Quotes on Drinking - Part 1
Quotes on Drinking - Part I
"Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more." Proverbs 31: 6-7
"Were I to prescribe a rule for drinking, it should be formed upon a saying quoted by Sir William Temple: the first glass for myself, the second for my friends, the third for good humor, and the fourth for mine enemies." Joseph Addison
"Work is the curse of the drinking class." Oscar Wilde
"He that drinks fast, pays slow." Benjamin Franklin
"When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have the second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there's no holding me." William Faulkner
"One martini is alright, two is too many, three is not enough." James Thurber
"Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth." Steve Allen
"I envy people who drink, at least they know what to blame everything on." Oscar Levant
"Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say, "I'm thirsty, not dirty". Joe E. Lewis
"I drink no more than a sponge". Francis Rabelais
"Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; The best of life is but intoxication." Lord Byron
"Drink to me." Pablo Picasso's last words
"One can drink too much, but one never drinks enough." Edward Burke
"Now is the time for drinking, now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot." Horace
"Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink." Unknown
"If all be true that I do think, There are five reasons we should drink: Good wine - a friend - or being dry - Or lest we should be by and by - Or any other reason why." Henry Aldrich
"The three-martini lunch is the epitome of American efficiency. Where else can you get an earful, a bellyful, and a snootful at the same time?" Gerald R. Ford
Cheers!
Wednesday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast...
"Here's to the ladies,
They need no praise...
They speak for themselves!"
Bart's Call to Moe
[This isn't at Moe's; Moe is taking over as the substitute teacher for Mrs. Krabappel's class during the strike]
OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath?
The students in the classroom laugh
All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?
More laughs
All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!
Still more laughs
Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!
Moe runs out of the classroom crying as Bart crosses Moe's name off of a list of what are now former substitute teachers
Today's Drinking Story
Pub Crawling
Yogism: "Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical."
Things A Man Should Know: About Women:
If you're single, the tango will do the trick. If you're married, the tango will also do the trick.
Possibly even with your wife.
ClueBat Insults
Thou bawdy, bat-fowling giglet!
Movie Madness
Tales of The Blode - Episode 2: A Trip to the Seaside
Dumb-Ass Kangaroo Jokes
First Kangaroo: Why did the little girl take hay to bed?
First Kangaroo: Why did the rabbit go to the doctor?
First Kangaroo: What happened to the two bedbugs who fell in love?
First Kangaroo: Why can't you tell secrets on a farm?
First Kangaroo: What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?
First Kangaroo: What's smarter than a talking horse?
First Kangaroo: What did the duck say when it laid a square egg?
First Kangaroo: When is it socially correct to serve milk in a saucer?
First Kangaroo: How do you tell the difference between an elephant and a rhinoceros?
First Kangaroo: What does a frog say when it washes car windows?
Today's Foreign Language Party Cookie is Surinam (click thru for the really good stuff)
yu kao'lo: your ass
krasi: horny
tongo: french kiss
ie de wang viestie dagoe: you're a vilty dog
Sako webo: ball sack
Cheers!
Virtual Music
Tonight's playlist is from SilverBlue, Madfish Willie's very own Virtual Disc Jockey. It is titled: The Cheating Time
Tonight's playlist, includes:
Eagles - Lyin' Eyes
Lorrie Morgan - I Guess You Had To Be There
Eurythmics - Who's That Girl?
Roxette - What's She Like?
Garth Brooks - The Thunder Rolls
Reba McEntire - Ring On Her Finger (Time On Her Hands)
Randy Travis - Reasons I Cheat
Shania Twain - Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?
Cathy Dennis - You Lied To Me
Timi Yuro - Something Bad On My Mind
Maureen McGregor - Torn Between Two Lovers
Bananarama - Last Thing On My Mind
Lara Fabian or Josh Groban - Broken Vow
Samantha Fox - Another Woman (Too Many People)
Crystal Gayle - Talking In Your Sleep
Barbara Mandrell - If Loving You Is Wrong (I Don't Wanna Be Right)
Now, get on home you cheatin' bastards!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Official Brewmeister
We are proud to announce the addition of The Physics Geek as Madfish Willie's Official Brewmeister.
Mmm... Beer! [drool runs out the side of mouth]
In his first annoucement since taking office, The Physics Geek lays out the brewing schedule for the first batch of Madfish Beer.
The beer in question will be a strong (based on past experience) dunkel weizen. I'm still convincing the chief that I need to brew another batch. She's sympathetic to the needs of my hobby but she hates the smell of boiling wort. I'm looking to brew the weekend of November 8th and bottling the 22nd. Should be ready to drink by mid-December.
We look forward to this very special batch of handcrafted beverage.
Just in time for the holiday drinking festivities!
Update: We need an Official Name for this batch of beer!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Virtual Playlist
I asked Madfish Willie's Virtual DJ, Silver Blue, to compile a list of songs that have drinking or something related to drinking in the song title.
He came up with this list that I want to post and then add-on for one big definitive list that I can post via a link on the sidebar. So here is the starting list:
Toby Keith / Willie Nelson: Whiskey for my Men, Beer for my Horses!
AC/DC: Have a Drink On Me
Loretta Lynn: Don't Come Home-A Drinkin' With Lovin On Your Mind
David Frizell : I'm Gonna Hire A Wino
Jimmy Buffett: Why Don't We Get Drunk
Garth Brooks: Two Pina Coladas
Johnny Paycheck: Colorado Cool Aid
Roy Carrier & the Night Rockers: Whiskey Drinkin' Man
George Jones: If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me (Her Memory Will)
Eddie Rabbitt: Drinkin' My Baby (Off My Mind)
George Thorogood & The Destroyers: If You Don't Start Drinkin' (I'm Gonna Leave)
American Dog: I Keep Drinkin' (You're Still Ugly)
Tracey Byrd: 10 Rounds with Jose Cuervo
Grace Knight: Drinkin Again
Chris DeBurgh: Moonlight and Vodka
His friend Tink adds these tunes:
7Nations - Whiskey in the Jar
Great Big Sea - Old Black Rum
From Straight White Guy:
George Thorogood & The Destoyers - I Drink Alone
From Candy Universe:
George Thorogood & The Destroyers - One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer
Jimmy Buffett - Margaritaville
From TacJammer:
Charlie Daniels - Drinkin' My Baby Goodbye
Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb
From Raging Dave
Big Bad Voodoo Daddy - You and Me and the Bottle make Three (tonight)
From Ken
Maria McKee - Drinking in My Sunday Dress
From Michael:
Garth Brooks & George Jones - Beerrun
Madfish Willie adds:
unknown - Jose Cuervo
Allanah Myles - Black Velvet
Jimmy Buffet - The Wino & I Know
John Michael Montgomery - Beer & Bones
Brooks & Dunn - Whiskey Under the Bridge
Neil Diamond - Love On The Rocks
Jim Croce - Time in a Bottle
Willie Nelson - Whiskey River
Carlos Santana /w Rob Thomas - Smooth
John Anderson - Straight Tequila Night
Jerry Jeff Walker - Sangria Wine
Jerry Jeff Walker - Backsliders Wine
Rupert Everett - The Pina Coloda Song
Jimmy Buffet - Boat Drinks
Jimmy Buffet - God's Own Drunk
Cheers!
The Corner of the Bar Babes
Well, crap... I guess I really messed up. I left a name off of the Corner of The Bar Babes list. I knew I was gonna leave someone off, and then get into a world of shit for being so stupid.
So, Two-Dragons of Who Tends The Fires, Imperial Tender of the Fires, Keeper of Useless Trivia, Glorious Lady of the Rott and now, Corner of The Bar Babe, please accept my most humble apologies for my oversight.
Now that the kissing of the ass is completed, Two-Dragons may help us design a logo for Madfish Willie's. I understand she is a very talented artist; we look forward to finalizing what we are looking for so she can help us out with a beautiful, hand-drawn logo, with pretty colors and everything.
[No pressure to perform there.]
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Tuesday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast...
"Here's to the man who loves his wife,
And loves his wife alone;
For many a man loves another man's wife,
When he ought to be loving his own." - Burns
Bart's Call to Moe
[Laura Powers with Bart]
Ivana Tinkle? Ivana Tinkle? All right, everybody, put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!
Laura and Bart laugh
Today's Drinking Story
Puke-A-Hot-Ass
Yogism:
"Yogi's wife Carmen: "Yogi, you are from St Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi: "Surprise me."
Things A Man Should Know: About Women:
Contrary to popular belief, an out-of-shape man is just as unappealing to a woman as an out-of-shape woman is to a man.
ClueBat Insults: Thou beslobbering, full-gorged lewdster!
Movie Madness
Tales of The Blode - Episode 3
Dumb-Ass Mouse Jokes
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face ?
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside ?
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse ?
How do mice celebrate when they move home ?
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth ?
What is a mouse's favourite game ?
Why did the mouse eat a candle ?
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak ?
What do you get if cross a mouse woth a packet of washing up powder ?
What's a mouse's favourite record ?
Today's Foreign Language Party Cookie is Welsh (click thru for the really good stuff)
Yn fytyn: Fool
Pen pidyn: Dickhead
Wyneb cach: Shit face
Mwnci: Monkey
Ci: Dog
Ffwcia oma: Fuck off
Gotsan drewllyd: Smelly fanny
Haliwr: Wanker
Cheers!
Tales From The Champagne Room
>Remember: There is no sex in The Champagne Room!
I don't care if this link gets worn out - I love having an On-line Orgasm!
Harvey shows the little guy where to get help!
The Tenth Muse as an interesting post title: Nightime Sniffling Sneezing Coughing Aching Fuck Me In the Ass Medicine
Check out this Jack-off Idiot over at Straight White Guy
Straight White Guy tells us how to have Lesbian Quickie Sex.
Mexicans are getting naked at Straight White Guy - He gets a lot of these kind of posts.
Dawn has a message for us via SilverBlue.
This asian beauty leaves Eric at a total loss for words.
Kids Say the Darndest Things according to Jim at Snooze Button Dreams
Jim also reports on a Confessional while wondering Since 'nude' means naked...
Acidman likes itty bitty titties!
Bill Cimino at Bloviating Insanties wakes up naked after a Family Reunion.
Vicky, Don's new blogging partner at Anger Management... doesn't swallow?
What Champagne Room discussion can be complete without Helen from Everyday Stranger? She deals with Jealousy.
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
Virtual Music
Tonight's playlist is from SilverBlue, Madfish Willie's very own Virtual Disc Jockey. It is titled The Drinking My Blues Away CD
Tonight's playlist, includes, but is not limited to:
1. Ring On My Finger, Time On My Hands - Reba McEntire
2. Promises - Randy Travis
3. The Chill of An Early Fall - George Strait
4. Watch Me - Lorrie Morgan
5. Maybe It Was Memphis - Pam Tillis
6. Strawberry Wine - Deanna Carter
7. If Loving You Is Wrong (I Don't Wanna Be Right) - Barbara Mandrell
8. Rocky Top - Osborne Brothers
9. Stranger In My House - Ronnie Milsap
10. Carolina Mountain Dewe - Alabama
11. His Greatest Need - Wynonna
12. Neon Moon - Brooks & Dunn
13. The Dance - Garth Brooks
14. Men - The Forester Sisters
15. Fist City - Loretta Lynn
16. Rose Garden - Lynn Anderson
17. Tear In My Beer - Hank Williams Jr.
18. If You Want To Find Love - Kenny Rogers
19. Always On My Mind - Willie Nelson
20. I Will Always Love You - Dolly Parton
Shit, I'm gonna go home and cry by myself!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Madfish Willie's Theme Song
How about some theme music for Madfish Willie's to play as the soundtrack behind all advertising we have to do?
D'oh-Re-Mi-Beer by Homer J Simpson
Actually, I think the song by Homer is Blackfive's alma mater fight song!
Update 1: I like the new Toby Keith / Willie Nelson song: Whiskey for my Men, Beer for my Horses!
Update 2: I have it - the theme song for Madfish Willie's
Cheers! Bullshit so far »Jimmy Buffet - God's Own Drunk
Monday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast...
"To the ladies, God bless 'em,
May nothing distress them."
Bart's Call to Moe
[Bart]
Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?
Barney says "Maybe your standards are too high!"
You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!
Bart tells Moe his name is Jimbo Jones and gives his own address: Jimbo and Laura Powers are making out in Bart's living room
Today's Drinking Story
Summer of Gary
Yogism: "You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours."
Things A Man Should Know: About Women:
Sometimes women want it when you don't, and for you not to give in on such occasions sets a terrible precedent.
ClueBat Insults; Thou unmuzzled, toad-spotted minnow!
Movie Madness
Food Feed Fury
Dumb-Ass Rabbit Jokes
A bumble bee was chasing a rabbit. Finally the bee turned around and flew away. Why?
A rabbit and a duck went to a restaurant for dinner. Who paid?
Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from?
Can you say "Richard and Robert had a rabbit" without using the "r" sound?
Did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a watch factory?
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges?
Did you hear about the pub owner who raised a baby rabbit?
Did you hear about the rabbit that bit it's owner?
Did you hear about the rich rabbit?
Do you feel like a glass of carrot juice?
Today's Foreign Language Party Cookie is Serbian (click thru for the really good stuff)
Crko dabogda stoko seljacka!: May you drop dead, you redneck ox.
Govno yedno: You piece of shit.
Sranje!: ohhh, shit!
Some!: you stupid ass.
Govedo!: Jerk.
Cheers!
Picking Up The Pieces
[Continued from The Titty Bar Debacle]
We get in our trucks and head back over to Madfish Willie's. This time, Harvey's driving. He won't let Blackfive drive in his current condition. He's a little easier for me to follow - but not much. He drives like a madman, too.
It's getting to be about the time that the joint really packs out. As we pull into the parking lot, I see the line snaking out the door. Good thing we have reserved parking spaces close to the door. As we jump out of the truck, Blackfive makes us repeat our oath not to tell. We repeat it (Harvey still has his fingers crossed) and head toward the club.
Shit, Susie is gonna kill us for being gone so long. St John of Argghh!!! is working the door, making sure we don't get overcrowded and have the Fire Marshall down here jacking with us. We squeeze by the people in line. They start raising hell.'Yaya ya ya ya' is all I hear.
A scream is heard that drowns out the sound system. It's Susie. "Damn you guys! Where the hell have you been? I told you 'no titty bars!' Blah, blah, blah, blah." She throws a glass at us. We all duck. I hear the sound of something whizzing by my ear as the glass hits the wall and shatters.
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
Closed
I'm sorry, but Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon is closed on Sundays.
Come back tomorrow for more Dancin' Glancin' & Romancin'!
In the post below we've selected some music for your listening pleasure.
Plus, we will continue to take entries in The Ultimate Blogger Recipe Contest.
All you guys in the Corner of The Bar Gang and the girls in the Corner of The Bar Babes, get your rest. We have another chapter in The Continuing Adventures of Madfish Willie this week!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Virtual Music
Tonight's playlist is from Madfish Willie himself. Enjoy!
- 1. Have a Drink on Me - AC/DC
2. Rocky Raccoon - The Beatles
3. Eli's Coming - Three Dog Night
4. Gloria - Van Morrison
5. American Woman - Lenny Kravitz
6. Turn the Page - Bob Seger
7. Would I Lie to You? - Eurythmics
8. If You Don't Know Me by Now - Simply Red
9. Son of a Preacher Man - Dusty Springfield
10. I'd Have to Be Crazy - Willie Nelson
Cheers! Bullshit so far »
Blogroll Honor Roll
- The Blogroll Honor Roll is a weekly Thank You Very Much to people who have blogrolled me in the last week and people who I have blogrolled because I like their site for some reason. You may not agree with the sites I like - if not, Bite Me, I don't care. Plus, it's a chance to give them some gratuitous, free, Drinky Links.
- Hypocrasy & Hypothesis
- Argghhh!!!
- Physics Geek
- Big Stick US
- Civilization Calls
- Note-It Posts
- Straight White Guy
- Sneakeasy's Joint
- As I See It..
- Tenth Muse
- On-Line Orgasm
- Gut Rumbles
The Blogrollees (Blogs I blogrolled)
The Blogrollers (Blogs that blogrolled me)
If I missed any bloggers that blogrolled me this week, just drop me an e-mail and I'll put you in next week's list!
Thanks again to everyone!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Virtual Music
Tonight's playlist is from SilverBlue, Madfish Willie's very own Virtual Disc Jockey.
SilverBlue sometimes records a CD for his personal enjoyment and he posts his music selections to his blog. From what I can tell, the man has an eclectic taste in music - a little bit of the best of everything - all for our listening pleasure.
Tonight's playlist, includes, but is not limited to:
1. The Hideway - Fifth Dimension
2. What Kind of Fool - Barbra Streisand & Barry Gibb
3. On The Radio - Donna Summer
4. Money Changes Everything - Cyndi Lauper
5. Union of the Snake - Duran Duran
6. Missionary Man - Eurythmics
7. Make A Move On Me - Olivia Newton-John
8. How Am I Supposed To Live Without You - Laura Branigan
9. I'll Be Here Where The Heart Is - Kim Carnes
10. Every Time You Go Away - Paul Young
11. What Have I Done To Deserve This? - Pet Shop Boys & Dusty Springfield
12. What's Love Got To Do With It (Second Hand Emotion Mix) - Tina Turner
13. Everything She Wants (Everything! mix) - Wham!
14. Twilight World (Radio Edit) - Swing Out Sister
15. When Doves Cry - Prince & The Revolution
16. Sugar Don't Bite - Sam Harris
17. True (Stretching The Truth mix) - Spandau Ballet
Cheers! Bullshit so far »
New Blog Showcase
The Alliance entry into this week's New Blog Showcase is:
Hypocrisy and Hypotheses: Same Thing Every Year....
I've actually read the post. It is a humorous piece that would have made the cut for a link via Moe Syzslak Says:
Also a nice site design - neat tiled background graphic, understated elegance, nice color scheme.
I think a site has to have a good visual element to it in as well as amusing, informative, or educational content for it to be worth going back to repeatedly. Some site are just too jumbled and crammed together and have too much graphical crap that makes them eyesores and not inviting. Anyway...
Alex also has a live comment preview feature that is really cool - I'm gonna have to get one like that when I grow up!
Go over read the link and peruse the rest of the site!
I also liked She Who Will Be Obeyed: Life, the Universe, and Everything.... She is exactly right on this particular issue.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »The Corner of the Bar Babes
It's been brought to my attention that there are no girls in the Corner of The Bar Gang!
So, I aksed Harvey and Blackfive: "What about letting girls in the gang?"
Harvey: "Guys don't have girls in their gang!"
Blackfive: "Yeah, what the hell's the matter with you anyway?"
Well, that is a private club after all. So, let's start a private club for the babes that regularly visit Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon. We'll call it the Corner of The Bar Babes.
Benefits are the same as for the guys, except you can't go into the Champagne Room. We'll have to build you your own little clubhouse room where you can go to get away from the guys. That way you can smoke your cigars in peace, scratch your ass without anyone seeing you do it, play poker with the girls, and cuss like a sailor if you wanna. But no girlie stuff!
Members of Madfish Willie's Corner of The Bar Babes:
Linda at Civilization Calls
Serenity at Serenity's Journal
Susie at Practical Penumbra
Jennifer at Jennifer's History & Stuff
Dana at Note-It Posts
Candy at Candy Universe
Venomous Kate at Electric Venom
Heather at Angelweave
After all, we need to make sure the Corner of The Bar Gang makes it home safely!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »The History of Beer - Part 4
The history of beer is a five-part series documenting... well, the history of beer.
- 1. The History of Beer
2. The Story of Beer
3. The Brewing of Beer
4. Styles of Beer
5. Beer Today
The American Homebrewer's Association recognizes seventy styles of beer. Here is a description of the most common styles:
- Dark beer: Beer becomes darker when the barley is kilned for a longer period of time. This also creates richer, deeper flavors from the roasted grain.
- Lager: Two different types of yeast can be used to create alcohol. Yeast that ferments slowly at a low temperature creates a smoother, more mellow beer.
- Ale: The other type of yeast, which ferments more rapidly and at a higher temperature, results in a more aromatic and fruity product.
- Amber: Malty, hoppy beers with a rich golden color.
- Bitter: A British style, highly hopped for a more dry and aromatic beer, pale in color but strong in alcohol content.
- Fruit Beer: Fruit may be added either during the primary fermentation or later. Usually made with berries, although other fruits can be used.
- India Pale Ale: The name is often shortened to IPA. This ale was originally brewed in England for export to India. The large quantities of hops added were intended as a preservative and to mask potential off-flavors that might develop during the long voyage.
- Pilsner: This is the term for the classic lager originally developed in Czechoslovakia, a pale, golden-hued, light beer after which many mass-produced American beers are modeled.
- Porter: Very bitter, very dark, this beer was developed in England as a "nourishing" drink for manual laborers such as porters.
- Stout: Very dark and heavy, with roasted unmalted barley and, often, caramel malt or sugar. Invented by Guinness as a variation on traditional porter.
- Wheat beer (Weizen): Malted wheat, in addition to barley, is used for this German style beer. Hefeweizen is a variation.
Tomorrow: Beer Today
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Wedding Toasts
Wedding toasts: A toast to the newlyweds may be proposed by the best man or maid of honor, or anyone else wishing to do so. (as long as the MC has been advised beforehand).
- "Here's to love,
The only fire against which there is no insurance."
"May we kiss whom we please,
And please whom we kiss."
"Here's to the wings of love,
May they never moult a feather
Till your little shoes and my big boots
Are under the bed together."
"I have known many,
Liked a few,
Loved one,
Here's to you!"
"Here's to one and only one,
And may that one be thee
Who loves but one and only one,
And may that one be me."
"Here's to matrimony...
The high sea for which no compass has yet been invented."
"If the ocean were a goblet
And all its salt seas wine,
I would drink it to you darlin',
Ere you cross the foamy brine;
For then you couldn't cross it,
But would have to stay on land
Till the walkin' should get better,
And we'd cross it hand in hand."
"Here's to a kiss:
Give me a kiss, and to that kiss add a score,
Then to that add a hundred more;
A thousand to that hundred, and so kiss on,
To make that thousand quite a million.
Treble that million, and when that is done,
Let's kiss afresh as though we'd just begun."
"May we have those in our arms
That we love in our hearts."
"Here's to those that love us,
And here's to those that don't,
A smile for those who are willing to,
And a tear for those who won't."
The Corner of The Bar Gang
Exactly what is The Corner of The Bar Gang?
The original Corner of The Bar Gang was at the legendary, little Dallas club in San Antonio around '81 - '90.
They were a group of about 25 guys. At any one time, there would be at least 1 of them sitting at the corner of the bar, drinking. From open to close, there was always one of them sitting on those stools. Rain, snow, shit or shine! Usually a group of three to five. Damn, we make a lot of money off those guys over the years. They paid our rents, bought our cars, paid for our girlfriends, everything.
But, we had to put up with a lot shit from them too. They got away with stuff I have thrown people in jail for doing when I managed places. And they would always dog the crap out of the new bartenders! Way too funny! They would dog 'em until the new guy nearly cried.
On his first day, during Happy Hour, Sid, my roommate and the fastest bartender I ever saw or worked with, was getting the treatment. He came up to me and asked, "What the fuck's with them guys?" I told him, "Just go over there and tell them to Fuck Off and they'll leave you alone." Sid went straight over to the corner and the next time they said anything to him, Sid unloaded! You've never heard such loud laughing in a bar ever! They drowned out the sound system. They were laughing so hard, they were crying! Hey, and I was laughing and crying with them. Needless to say, Sid became their number one bartender.
How do I get into Madfish Willie's Corner of The Bar Gang?
I don't know for sure, ask Harvey and Blackfive - they're in charge of it. But, I'm pretty sure it involves heavy drinking and lots of laughing.
What are the benefits of being a member of Madfish Willie's Corner of The Bar Gang?
A couple of drinks every time you drop by, free pretzels all night, and cookies while they last.
Remember: There is no sex in "The Champagne Room". [nudge]*[nudge]*[wink]*[wink]
Plus you're linked from this post, there's a COBG header in my sidebar, and you get to be part of
The Continuing Adventures of Madfish Willie!
Members of Madfish Willie's Corner of The Bar Gang
Harvey at Bad Money
Matt at Blackfive
Emperor Misha I at The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Frank J at IMAO
Steve at Lord Spatula's BBS
Eric at Straight White Guy
Cheers!
Alcohol Warning
SilverBlue posts this warning (via Moonglow) at my expense. [He's Fired!]
ALCOHOL WARNING
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Bullshit so far »
Quiz Thingy
A check-in over at Straight White Guy brought this gem to my attention:
Quizilla Test: Which Rat Pack Member Are You?
My favorite question was this one, and which blogger I thought would best fit each answer:
If you worked in a nightclub, you'd function best as the:
- Bouncer: You don't like trouble, but you've got the skills to flatten the foolish. [Blackfive]
- Bartender: Because that's were the money's at. [Jennifer]
- D.J.: You find people notice you best when you're standing in the middle of a spotlight. [Frank J]
- Manager: You'd run the show like a snake-oiled machine. [Bad Money]
Cheers! Bullshit so far »
Virtual Music
Well, I guess we need to start playing some tunes over here, before everyone goes down the street!
I'm looking for a list of songs to play on our state of the art virtual sound system. After Happy Hour, we'll crank the volumn up to 11 and have a party!
Post a list of 10 or 15 songs on your site, notify me via e-mail sending the permalink to your post, and I'll post your playlist with credit and links back to your site. Then, I'll add your playlist to the Madfish Willie's Master Playlist linked in the sidebar at the top of the page!
Here is a playlist from SilverBlue as a sample for all you aspiring DJs.
1. You Opened My Eyes (1:20 Sample) - Bosson
2. Slow (Radio Transcription) - Kylie
3. I Can't Go For That (No Can Do) - Hall & Oates
4. Sunrise - Simply Red
5. Hard To Say I'm Sorry - Chicago
6. While You See A Chance - Steve Winwood
7. Toy Soldiers - Markita
8. Million Miles Away - Kim Wilde
9. I Love You Like A Ball & Chain - Eurythmics
10. Right Here, Right Now - Jesus Jones
11. Walk Away - Donna Summer
12. Heart of Stone - Cher
13. Seasons Change - Expose
14. Fantasy (remix) - BlackBox
15. All Fired Up - Pat Benatar
16. I Still Believe - Harajuku
17. Heaven's What I Feel - Gloria Estefan
18. The Flame - Erin Hamilton
19. How Can Heaven Love Me (Video Mix) - Sarah Brightman & Cris Williamson
Cheers! Bullshit so far »
The Corner of the Bar Gang
>Exactly what is The Corner of The Bar Gang?
The original Corner of The Bar Gang was at the legendary, little Dallas club in San Antonio around '81 - '90.
They were a group of about 25 guys. At any one time, there would be at least 1 of them sitting at the corner of the bar, drinking. From open to close, there was always one of them sitting on those stools. Rain, snow, shit or shine! Usually a group of three to five. Damn, we make a lot of money off those guys over the years. They paid our rents, bought our cars, paid for our girlfriends, everything.
But, we had to put up with a lot shit from them too. They got away with stuff I have thrown people in jail for doing when I managed places. And they would always dog the crap out of the new bartenders! Way too funny! They would dog 'em until the new guy nearly cried.
On his first day, during Happy Hour, Sid, my roommate and the fastest bartender I ever saw or worked with, was getting the treatment. He came up to me and asked, "What the fuck's with them guys?" I told him, "Just go over there and tell them to Fuck Off and they'll leave you alone." Sid went straight over to the corner and the next time they said anything to him, Sid unloaded! You've never heard such loud laughing in a bar ever! They drowned out the sound system. They were laughing so hard, they were crying! Hey, and I was laughing and crying with them. Needless to say, Sid became their number one bartender.
How do I get into Madfish Willie's Corner of The Bar Gang?
I don't know for sure, ask Harvey and Blackfive - they're in charge of it. But, I'm pretty sure it involves heavy drinking and lots of laughing.
What are the benefits of being a member of Madfish Willie's Corner of The Bar Gang?
- A couple of drinks every time you drop by, free pretzels all night, and cookies while they last.
Remember: There is no sex in "The Champagne Room". [nudge]*[nudge]*[wink]*[wink]
Plus you're linked from this post, there's a COBG header in my sidebar, and you get to be part of
The Continuing Adventures of Madfish Willie!
Members of Madfish Willie's Corner of The Bar Gang
- Harvey at Bad Money
Matt at Blackfive
Emperor Misha I at The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Frank J at IMAO
Steve at Lord Spatula's BBS
Eric at Straight White Guy
Cheers! Bullshit so far »
» Bad Example links with: WHO THE HELL IS MUDFISH BILLIE?
The Titty Bar Debacle
After The Beer Store Caper, Blackfive decides we needed to get away for awhile and relax. Some place different. (Here we go again.)
Blackfive: "I'm drivin'"
Harvey: "Shotgun!"
"Crap, I ain't riding between you two jack-offs. I'll take my own truck. That way, when I get tired of listenin' to all ya'lls bullshit, I can go back to work. I'll follow you, Blackfive, let's HA (haul ass)."
Blackfive: "Don't be drivin' like an old man, you turd! Stay up with us big boys this time!"
"Bite me."
With that, Blackfive peels out into the traffic, fish-tailing and sliding everywhere, in a dark gray cloud of rubber smoke.
"Shit, I'm gonna get a ticket following this idiot."
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
Friday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast...
"Here's to the model husband,
Usually somebody elses."
Bart's Call to Moe
[Bart]
Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
Barney says "You sure do!"
Oh...it's you, isn't it?
Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!
Bart laughs
Today's Drinking Story
Caller 6 - You're On The Air
Yogism: "We made too many wrong mistakes."
Things A Man Should Know: About Women:Love does not mean never having to say you're sorry. It means having to say you're sorry over and over again, in new and different ways, every day, every week, every month, even when you don't want to, every year, until God grants you his mercy and you finally, blissfully die.
ClueBat Insults: Thou craven, toad-spotted maggot-pie!
Movie Madness
Toad Turmoil
Dumb-Ass FarmYard Animal Jokes
What do you call a pig thief ?
What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes ?
What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel ?
What is the definition of a goose ?
What is the opposite of cock-a doodle-doo ?
What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour ?
Why was the lamb told off for being rude ?
What goes 'peck,bang,peck,bang,peck,bang' ?
What do you get if you cross a pile of mud with a pig ?
How do you take a pig to hospital ?
Today's Foreign Language Party Cookie is Tagalog / Phillipines (click thru for the really good stuff) Wala kang puwet: you are buttless
gago: stupid
tanga: dumbass
inutil: worthless moron
chupa: blowjob
Cheers!
The History of Beer - Part 3
The history of beer is a five-part series documenting... well, the history of beer.
- 1. The History of Beer
2. The Story of Beer
3. The Brewing of Beer
4. Styles of Beer
5. Beer Today
The Brewing of Beer
Almost all beer contains only four ingredients: barley, water, hops, and yeast.
Different styles of beer are created by variations in the brewing process, which consists of four stages.
The first ingredient to come into play is barley, which is grain (or in other words, a seed). The seeds are soaked and allowed to begin their development into plants. Enzymes are released that will break down the proteins and starches in each grain into simple sugars meant to nourish the baby plant. However, once this process has begun, the barley is cooked in a kiln, arresting the growth process while the enzymes are at their peak of production. This is called malting.
In the mashing stage, the grain is actually transformed into sugar. The grains are crushed and then soaked in water. Proteins are broken down; these will eventually give the beer its body. Starches are broken down into simple sugars that will nourish the yeast. Complex sugars remain to give the beer its malty taste. The mash is heated and strained to yield a substance called wort.
Next, the wort is brought to a boil and the flowers of the female hop plant are added. Bitter resins and aromatic hop oils are released.
The variety of hop, the amount added, and the point or points in the boil at which they are added all contribute to the flavor of the beer. They add bitterness when added early to the boil, flavor if added in the middle, and aroma when added at the end. Then the beer is cooled and yeast is added and allowed to consume most or all of the sugars in the wort. This is the fermentation process, in which alcohol is produced. The beer is separated from the yeast (racked) and then aged and carbonated by conducting a second fermentation in a closed container, or by adding carbon dioxide artificially.
Tomorrow: Styles Of Beer
Cheers!
Precision Guided Humor
I recently had the distinktion of being selected to be an awards presenter at the Internet Blogosphere Awards Presentation and Slobberfest. As repulsed as I was at being given this dubious honor, I showed up and did my duty - but not before downing a couple of my famous Ultimate Martinis!
The award I presented was the Epimenides' Paradox Award. Last year's winner was Al Franken for Lying Liars and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them (or whatever that piece of crap book was named).
This award celebrates the ananias, the falsifier, the fibber, the fibster, the perjurer, the prevaricator, the storyteller, and well... big fat fucking liars. This year's nominees were Michael Moore and... Shit, he was such a big, fat, lying turd, no one else had room to enter.
So when I announced Michael Moore as the winner, I thought I would give him a little spoonful o' his own medicine and go off on my own rant:
You were a crack baby, severely retarded, hardly a looker. You are a borderline cretin, a socially maladjusted parasite, an ill-mannered, undereducated piece of white trash maggot-infested butt-fucking bed-wetting asshat. You are a howling, drunken, fat slob dancing about. You are one huge, corrupt, incestuous orgy of mutual masturbatory orgies. You syphilitic sow. You should be driven into a building, then blown up and buried under 50 ft of dirt and covered with pig shit. You have an IQ slightly above that of room-temperature butter which makes trying to hold a decent argument like kicking a cripple. You despicable, depraved, amoral slug. Anybody can bitch and moan, but few really have the answers, so go ahead and shove that gerbil up your Hilter-kissing, butt-fucking, skinhead-licking, sheep-fucking, small-impaired, desperatly seeking real contact, grasping stupid ass! You syphlitic, neutered, weiner-doggy with worms. You have the creative abilities of a bucket of okra. You are neurally-deficient, morally challenged colon polyp. You are like some cheesy advertizement jingle you can't get out of your head. Ack! You are like watching old ladies at the casino, working the slot machines for the big score but instead of using up their quarters, they're using up their credibility. You are lots of burps and fart noises, signifying nothing. There's a special place in hell for ogres like you. You are like a spoiled teenager begging for attention. You are very boring, whiny and utterly unfunny. Strange that you have't blown your bitter little brains out by now, given your decidedly limited and amoral worldview.
Ya wanna know the funny thing about the whole episode?
I got a standing ovation!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Around the Bar...
Harvey ponies up some Big Bucks for the Tip Jar tonight. Remember: Never put money in your mouth!
No wonder Eric at Straight White Guy don't smoke pot. He follows up with this shocking story.
I've been looking for a DJ over here for Madfish Willie's. I was thinking that SilverBlue might be able to do the job when he submitted this playlist.
SilvereBlue gives an Ode To Stupid People.
Newmanisms has some great Insta-taglines - Indeed!
Jim at Snooze Button Dreams tells us how to communicate with deaf hookers. I'm sure this information will come in handy one of these days.
Phelps at The Everlasting Phelps is a peckerwood!
Newman at Newmansims also gets all Jazzed Up at Scrabble - He is the King of Scrabble, by the way.
Watch out for that kiwi! What the hell, let Don tell you what's happening with that.
SilverBlue wonders: does a bear shit in the woods?
Gut Rumbles is a FREAK!
I don't know about you, but if I pissed on the floor when I was a kid, someone knocked the crap out of me!
Howdy Doody & Rootie Kazootie? - James is getting old.
John at Argghhh!!! has some new porn up from The Imperial Arsenal of Doom - go check it out!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Precision Guided Humor
I recently had the distinktion of being selected to be an awards presenter at the Internet Blogosphere Awards Presentation and Slobberfest. As repulsed as I was at being given this dubious honor, I showed up and did my duty - but not before downing a couple of my famous Ultimate Martinis!
The award I presented was the Epimenides' Paradox Award. Last year's winner was Al Franken for Lying Liars and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them (or whatever that piece of crap book was named).
This award celebrates the ananias, the falsifier, the fibber, the fibster, the perjurer, the prevaricator, the storyteller, and well... big fat fucking liars. This year's nominees were Michael Moore and... Shit, he was such a big, fat, lying turd, no one else had room to enter.
So when I announced Michael Moore as the winner, I thought I would give him a little spoonful o' his own medicine and go off on my own rant:
You were a crack baby, severely retarded, hardly a looker. You are a borderline cretin, a socially maladjusted parasite, an ill-mannered, undereducated piece of white trash maggot-infested butt-fucking bed-wetting asshat. You are a howling, drunken, fat slob dancing about. You are one huge, corrupt, incestuous orgy of mutual masturbatory orgies. You syphilitic sow. You should be driven into a building, then blown up and buried under 50 ft of dirt and covered with pig shit. You have an IQ slightly above that of room-temperature butter which makes trying to hold a decent argument like kicking a cripple. You despicable, depraved, amoral slug. Anybody can bitch and moan, but few really have the answers, so go ahead and shove that gerbil up your Hilter-kissing, butt-fucking, skinhead-licking, sheep-fucking, small-impaired, desperatly seeking real contact, grasping stupid ass! You syphlitic, neutered, weiner-doggy with worms. You have the creative abilities of a bucket of okra. You are neurally-deficient, morally challenged colon polyp. You are like some cheesy advertizement jingle you can't get out of your head. Ack! You are like watching old ladies at the casino, working the slot machines for the big score but instead of using up their quarters, they're using up their credibility. You are lots of burps and fart noises, signifying nothing. There's a special place in hell for ogres like you. You are like a spoiled teenager begging for attention. You are very boring, whiny and utterly unfunny. Strange that you have't blown your bitter little brains out by now, given your decidedly limited and amoral worldview.
Ya wanna know the funny thing about the whole episode?
I got a standing ovation!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »The Beer Store Caper
After we finished running Evil Glenn out of the joint, I knew we would have to drink several beers to calm down. Besides, Harvey and Blackfive knocked over all those drinks and beers chasing that commie outside. Damn, this is gonna cost me.
I walked the storage area to check the beer cooler. Shit, this won't last very long. Not with Blackfive drinking 6 beers at a time. We're gonna have to go get some more beer so's we don't run out. Frank J and Misha get so pissed off when we run out of stuff and we don't want to listen to any of their shit tonight.
I asked Susie: "Susie, will you watch the joint for me while we go down to the beer store to get some more stock?"
Susie: "OK, but hurry up and don't be chasing any floozies around and stopping at the titty bars while you're gone. And leave the hookers alone, too." she shouted.
"I promise." [I lied]
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
Texas Talking
>
Here in Texas, everything IS bigger and better! We even have own own vocabulary called: Texas Talkin'
Here's what the heck we mean in the Lone Star State...
- The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart
- As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
- Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
- Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
- We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced
- He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink
- She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker
- It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice
- Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving
- This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block
- He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y
- They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin
- Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told
- As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart
- You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing
Cheers! Bullshit so far »
Thursday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast...
"Here's to our wives and lovers,
May they never meet!"
Bart's Call to Moe
[Bart]
Uh, Hugh Jass? Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
There is a Hugh Jass at Moe's; he takes the call
Today's Drinking Story Well, this is a fime mess, "I Must Say"
Yogism: "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
Things A Man Should Know: About Women:When asked if she looks fat, even if it's the one thousandth time, you must be always at the ready with an immediate, confident "Suuu-eeeeeee!"
That was a joke.
ClueBat Insults: Thou droning, flap-mouthed wagtail!
Movie Madness
Blode 6: Attack of The Uber-Pea!
Dumb-Ass Pig Jokes
A city child came running into the farmhouse. "No wonder that mama pig is so big," she yelled.
A pig's favorite movie:
All our pigs are learning karate.
Oh, I don't believe that
CUSTOMER: Can you make a pig cooler?
CUSTOMER: Can you make a pig shake?
CUSTOMER: How do you make a pig float?
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
Did you hear about the pig who tried to start a hot-air balloon business?
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for mother's day?
What did they do?
Did you hear about the pig's vacation?
Did you hear about the pigs who took up motorcycling?
Did you hear of the pig who began hiding garbage In November?
Answers in the Comments
Today's Foreign Language Party Cookie is Italian (click thru for the really good stuff) puttana: whore
merda: shit
pezzo di merda: piece of shit
Cazzo vai via stronzo: Shit, get out of here jerk
bocchno: blow job
che cazzo: you dick
no me interesso un cazzo: I don't give a damn
Cheers!
History of Beer - Part 2
The history of beer is a five-part series documenting... well, the history of beer.
1. The History of Beer
2. The Story of Beer
3. The Brewing of Beer
4. Styles of Beer
5. Beer Today
The Story of Beer
Beer is one of the oldest products of civilization, and may even have been a stepping stone to the invention of leavened bread.
Beer's Beginnings
Historians believe that the ancient Mesopotamians and Sumerians were brewing as early as 10,000 BC.
Although the product would have been somewhat different from today's bottled varieties, it would be recognizable.
The ancient Egyptians and Chinese brewed beer, as did pre-Columbian civilizations in the Americas, who used corn instead of barley.
In the middle ages, European monks were the guardians of literature and science, as well as the art of beer making. They refined the process to near perfection and institutionalized the use of hops as a flavoring and preservative. However, it wasn't until Louis Pasteur came along that a final, important development was made. Until that time, brewers had to depend on wild, airborne yeast for fermentation. By establishing that yeast is a living microorganism, Pasteur opened the gates for accurately controlling the conversion of sugar to alcohol.
While grapes grow well in warm climates, barley grows better in cooler climes. This is how the northern countries of Germany and England became famous for their beers. This production was taken very seriously, as it was in the New World, where beer was a major component of the Pilgrim's diet.
Beer in America
Beer was of major concern for revolutionary thinkers like Thomas Jefferson, who quickly passed legislation to create a healthy beer industry in the new United States.
Everything went swimmingly until the dark day in 1920 when Prohibition took effect. Many breweries went out of business or switched to the production of soda pop. Of course, not everyone stopped drinking, but gangster-controlled operations were not known for high-quality products.
Late in 1933, Congress passed the 21st Amendment to the Constitution which repealed the unpopular law. However, the new breeds of American beer that came after World War II were generally mass-produced and very bland. Jimmy Carter legalized home brewing, ushering in the age of microbreweries, beer hobbyists, and beer snobs.
Tomorrow: How Beer Is Made
Cheers!
Evil Glenn's Tagline
.
That's right... The Instapundit already has a tagline and it's posted in plain site! [ed. All puns intended!]
He uses a technique mastered by the former Saturday Light Live cast member Kevin Nealon and his character Mr. Subliminal.
The only way for normal people to detect this subliminal message is to wear lectroid goggles from The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eight Dimension.
I don't need these devices because I am not a weak-minded individual, plus I've been drinking heavily for several years. I have the unique ability and awesome responsibility to be the only person alive who has actually seen the tagline of Evil Glenn.
It's a plan so insideous, so EVIL, so ...
I have not the proper words to describe it... it's so... so... so... It's just too upsetting... for me to tell you right now. I'm gonna have to do some... Samurai Meditations that... Frank taught me before... I will be calm and... collected enough... to tell you what... Evil Glenn's... ultimate plan is.
[Visibly upset] I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... Excuse me... [The Bartender turns and quickly strides away, to return later and reveal the evil intent of The Instapundit's plan]
Bullshit so far »History of Beer
The history of beer is a five-part series documenting... well, the history of beer.
1. The History of Beer
2. The Story of Beer
3. The Brewing of Beer
4. Styles of Beer
5. Beer Today
The History of Beer
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin
Beer is as old as civilization itself. One of the most common and popular of beverages, it is made in every corner of the world. It has a long and fascinating history, from ancient Egypt to medieval monks, to (for a time) being outlawed by the U.S. Constitution. It has been part of the daily ration for people whose lives have been long and hard, as well as the symbol of celebration, recreation, and relaxation. The local tavern has been a refuge and social universe to many.
The simple combination of barley, water, hops, and yeast produces many different styles of beer. The process has several steps, and although it is simple enough that it can be done at home with the right equipment, many people would consider brewing an art.
Beer types range from a pale, sparkling yellow to dark, rich reddish-brown. There is a place and time for each, from tossing back a cheap cold lager on a summer afternoon to sipping a sweet, syrupy Christmas brew on a cold winter night. Beer generates a sense of well-being and enhances conversation. [ed. Yeah, but what if your are an asshole?]
Although ancient, the custom of beer drinking is by no means in danger of extinction. The recent explosion of microbrews has created a new generation of beer connoisseurs, while the less sophisticated will no doubt continue to love it blindly but passionately.
Tomorrow: The Story Of Beer
Cheers!
Around the Bar...
Harvey's getting cheap on me. He brings his friend in, drinks all night, and then only leaves one dollar in the Tip Jar - Jerk! I'm gonna make him start paying for his drinks!
Harvey also has some Precision Guided Humor that is right on target.
I did a Google on Evil Glenn and hit the [I'm Feeling Lucky] button. This is what came up. Who'd a thunk it?
Serenity's Saturday Scruples: �At the local grocer, you see an elderly woman shoplift bacon. Do you tell the grocer?� The Bartender says: It's none of your damn business, but do the right thing - always do the right thing, whatever it is..
Kelly Is In Da House! at Venomous Kate's Hawaiian Paradise and they are drinking Venom & Blight Cocktails! She might also be trying these cocktails later today. That Kate is a woman after my own heart!
LeAnn from The Cheese Stands Alone says "Jake makes it a point to have several 'El Presidentes' whenever we dine at Chili's." It doesn't look to me like Jake was the last man standing at that party!
U.S. Air Force pilot Chuck Yeager is a bartender too? Jennifer gives us this tidbit from 56 Years Ago Today. She always has the coolest little bits of info - a walking trivia game!
Linkin Park Fan is a FREAK! He plays The Penis Game. [Scroll down about 2/3 for instructions]
A Google search for "drunken idiots" turned up this: Reason for Carla not to drink. Check out the guy below on the right (he looks like Blackfive after a night at Madfish Willie's!). Have you ever been that messed up? All he's missing is the lamp shade and we could stick him on The Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon's 'Wall of Shame'.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Evil Glenn's Tagline
The Alliance is trying to come up with a tagline for The Instapundit. Well, they're spinning their wheels 'cause I happen to know that he already has one.
That's right... The Instapundit already has a tagline and it's posted in plain site! [ed. All puns intended!]
He uses a technique mastered by the former Saturday Light Live cast member Kevin Nealon and his character Mr. Subliminal.
The only way for normal people to detect this subliminal message is to wear lectroid goggles from The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eight Dimension.
I don't need these devices because I am not a weak-minded individual, plus I've been drinking heavily for several years. I have the unique ability and awesome responsibility to be the only person alive who has actually seen the tagline of Evil Glenn.
It's a plan so insideous, so EVIL, so ...
I have not the proper words to describe it... it's so... so... so... It's just too upsetting... for me to tell you right now. I'm gonna have to do some... Samurai Meditations that... Frank taught me before... I will be calm and... collected enough... to tell you what... Evil Glenn's... ultimate plan is.
[Visibly upset] I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... Excuse me... [The Bartender turns and quickly strides away, to return later and reveal the evil intent of The Instapundit's plan]
Bullshit so far »The Ultimate Pizza
The Ultimate Pizza recipe is from one of my old roommates. He was one funny guy. Watching TV with this guy was like being in a Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie! He would just sit there and wipe the whole movie out. He could recite verbatim entire sections of movies, his favorite being Monty Python & The Holy Grail. Meanwhile, back on the ranch...
Barry's Meatza Pizza
Ingredients:
1 Biboli Pizza Crust - Thick Crust
1 Italian Sausage - Crumbled
1 Canadian Bacon - Diced Big
1 Pepperoni - Diced Big
4 oz Prego Traditional Sauce
2 cups Mozzarella Cheese
Red Peppers
Parmesan Cheese
McCormicks Lemon Pepper
McCormicks California Style Garlic Salt
Directions:
Brown Italian Sausage, drain grease, paper soak top 2 times to remove remainder of grease
Brown Canadian Bacon, drain grease, paper soak top 2 times to remove remainder of grease
Preheat oven to 425
Sauce on Boboli - watch edges - too close to edge and the crust gets hard, burns
Top with meats - don't be afraid of the meat, either - pile it on
Bake 10 minutes at 425
Add Mozzarella Cheese
Bake 10 minutes at 425
Sprinkle red peppers to taste
Sprinkle Parmesan chesse to taste
Sprinkle spices to taste
Options:
Add large, sliced, sauteed mushrooms after meat and before first bake cycle.
This is a great recipe for football games and casual munching. Also tastes great first thing in the morning from the frig after a hard night's partying! Enjoy!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Evil Glenn's Tagline
I'm back and I'm all better now. Now, where was I? That's right, Evil Glenn's tagline.
I was closing the joint up one night last week, I think it was Thursday. I heard a loud bang outside and went to investigate. There I found, all by itself beside the front door, what looked like a small music box. I picked it up and hurried back inside. Safely inside, I locked the doors and gazed at the frail little wooden box. Turning it around, I located a button. I thought to myself, 'Self, this button surely must turn the music box on'. I pressed the button. It vibrated out of my hands and dropped to the floor, somehow not splintering into bits and pieces, and landed on it's base. That's when it happened!
JOHN EMDALL, a dreadlocked woman in a silver uniform appeared to me in a weird column of light and said:
JOHN EMDALL: Salutations, great Bartender. I am John Emdall, from Planet Ten. A common grave danger confronts both our worlds. After a bloody reign of terror the hated leader of our military caste, the self-proclaimed Evil Lord Glenn Reynolds, a bloodthirsty butcher as evil as your Hitler was overthrown by freedom-loving forces, tried, and condemned, along with several hundred of his followers, to spend eternity in the formless void of the 8th dimension. Death was deemed too good for them. Now, you, bloggers, have unintentionally helped Evil Glenn with your internet oscillation overthruster. For our intelligence warns us he intends to steal your overthruster. If he should attempt this, we will have no choice but to disrupt world-wide internet communications, and fire a particle beam weapon from your airspace to Smolensk, in the Union of the Soviet Socialist Republics.THE BARTENDER: (alarmed) That's an action the Kremlin would most certainly misinterpret as an American first strike! They're already a little trigger-happy as it is!
JOHN EMDALL: Stop... Evil... Glenn... before sun... sets! If you fail, we will be forced to help you destroy yourselves.
There you have it - straight from the Black Lectroid's mouth.
Evil Glenn is an Evil Red Lectroid from Planet 10 and wants to take over the world's internet communications via the internet oscillation overthruster and thereby Rule The World!
Oh yeah... His tagline reads:
Must.Have.Internet.Oscillation.Overthruster
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »I love Monte Python &
I love Monte Python & The Holy Grail! [Check out the link on the sidebar]
I had two assistant managers working for me one time that could quote entire scenes from the movie. After work, we would usually head over to my place and drink, smoke, watch a flick till we passed out. They were two funny sumbitches! Whatever happened to those guys? Tell 'em thay need to check in, dammit!
When I saw this Quizilla quiz, I just had to take it.
You are King Arthur of the Britons!
You like to hear yourself talk a lot, namely about
some damn grail. Those closest to you are just
there to serve you and bang your coconuts
together. For some reason Mystical beings come
to you and set you out on quests. If only more
people understood you, perhaps you'd get that
grail afterall.
What Monty Python Holy Grail Quest Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
It's GOOD to be The King!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Wednesday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast...
"Here's to the men of all classes
Who through lasses and glasses
Will make themselves asses."
Bart's Call to Moe
[Bart with Mrs. Krabappel and one of the Sherri/Terri twins]
Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt
Oh, wait a minute...
[Bart laughs; Mrs. Krabappel sees him and then laughs as well]
Today's Drinking Story
The Last "Last Call"
Yogism: "The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."
Things A Man Should Know: About Women:Women do not desire to be introduced to a new brand of perfume.
ClueBat Insults: Thou bootless, milk-livered miscreant!
Movie Madness
Chilled Kittens
Dumb-Ass Bird Jokes
What do you give a sick bird ?
What bird tastes just like butter ?
What's another name for a clever duck ?
What do owls sing when it is raining ?
What is a polygon ?
What flies through the jungle singing opera ?
What kind of bird opens doors ?
What do baby swans dance to ?
What is a duck's favorite TV show ?
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark ?
Answers in the Comments
Today's Foreign Language Party Cookie is German (click thru for the really good stuff) Blödes Arschloch: stupid asshole
Depp: idiot
Drecksau: dirty pig
Arschgesicht: "Assface" (Butthead)
Arschkriecher: person who kisses bosses arse
Cheers!
New Blog Showcase Winner!
My post: Hangover - Part I won the New Blog Showcase for the week ending 10.13.2003!Bullshit so far »Hangover - Part I was the first of a five part series that anyone who drinks really should read. I promise it will save you a lot of horrible mornings! Check the link on the sidebar titled "So You Wanna Cure A Hangover".
I'd like to thank everyone who voted for me, especially the members of The Alliance (even if you didn't read the post).
Madfish Willie raises his Ultimate Martini in a toast to The Voters! Bless You All!
Quiz Thingy
[This quiz just about says it all!]
your fuck.
What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
ROFLMAO!!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Around the Bar...
Harvey's tip tonight reveals that George Washington was, apparently, composed largely of sodium.
Harvey also has an Evil Glenn Limerick that is ROFLMAO funny. That guy is a genius at this Filthy Lie thing!
Lord Spatula I gives us "Men's Rules to Live Together By" Go read the rest!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.Eric at Single White Guy has a pic of the tiger that tried to have Roy for lunch!2. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
3. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. (Really, listen to this one)
Serenity has the actual graphic footage of When Tigers Attack Their Dumbass Handlers!
Jim at Snooze Button Dreams is renaming his friend (formerly known as G, formerly known as G-dog) tomorrow. Don;t miss the polling action - Remember: Vote early - Vote often. Go check out the options first!
Harvey is a SPANKING FREAK [read comments]!
Paul at Sanity's Edge muses: What'll you Have?.
Via Clayton at Up Persicope: Jennifer Anniston or Beer! Cool background song - Happy Together!
Wierd Site of The Day: ExplodingDog.com
LeAnn at The Cheese Stands Alone squeezes the meat log? You have to go find out for yourself.
The Ultimate Bloggers Recipe Contest has spurned an in-house contest to name a drink entry for the contest. His two entries for tonight are Watermelon Martini & Black JellyBean. Plus, he has a really neat blog name and tagline: The Two Hour Lunch, Three martinis and a cloud of dust
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Happy Hour Madness
I was working the joint during an unsually busy Happy Hour Party last Friday. There was a disheveled, goofy guy at the end of the bar scribbling furiously with a teeny, tiny little pencil in a small, black blood-stained book.
He was leaning back in Frank J's chair, with his feet kicked up on Misha's seat. Who was this freak? How dare he come into our place, sit in Frank J's special reserved place and put his feet on any chair, much less Misha's? The Rott was growling furiously, foaming at the mouth and straining at the chain to get at this interloper. [I was dog sitting The Rott for a couple of hours while Misha was out running around.] He didn't like the idea of someone sitting in Misha's seat. He didn't like people putting their feet up on the chairs, either.
This didn't look good. I could tell from my many years of experience dealing with dumb-asses that something bad was about to happen. I checked under the bar, making sure the Imperial ClueBat was handy, then I walked over and asked him if he needed something to drink.
"What is your blending capacity in this establishment?", he inquired.
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
Quiz Thingy
I've seen these test thingys on lots of blogs here lately - so here's mine. It looks to me like I'm an asshole!
| ISTJ - "Trustee". Decisiveness in practical affairs. Guardian of time- honored institutions. Dependable. 11.6% of total population. |
Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test
Introverted (I) 66.67% Extroverted (E) 33.33%
Sensing (S) 57.89% Intuitive (N) 42.11%
Thinking (T) 76.47% Feeling (F) 23.53%
Judging (J) 72.22% Perceiving (P) 27.78%
Introverted bartender - What the fjuck? I'm going to go get some beer to think about this!!!
I guess because all my personal interactions as a high-volume bartender were about three seconds long. I gotta tell you though - I was the fastest bartender that ever lived!
I wonder what type I'm supposed to hook-up with?
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Tuesday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast...
"May you have the health of a salmon,
A strong heart, and a wet mouth."
Bart's Call to Moe
[Bart]
Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!
[Bart and Lisa laugh]
Today's Drinking Story
...Then this Car came out of Nowhere
Yogism: "You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going because you might not get there."
ClueBat Insults: Thou dankish, sheep-biting pignut!
Movie Madness
The Sweary Kittens
Dumb Ass Horse Jokes
"Will I ever be able to race my horse again" the owner asked the vet.
A cowboy rode into town on Thursday, stayed 3 days and rode out on Thursday. How is this possible?
A horse walks up to the bar and orders a drink from the bartender.
A stallion and a mare where due to get married, but the stallion didn't show up at the church.
As horses say to one another.
Customer: I'm hungry enough to eat a horse!
Did you find my horse well behaved?
Did you hear about Mike Tyson's horse?
Did you hear about the aristocratic horse?
Did you hear about the depressed horse?
Answers in the Comments
Today's Foreign Language Party Cookie is Danish (click thru for the really good stuff) PIS AF: Piss off
LAD VAER MED AT VAERE SA ONDSVAG: Don't be so stupid.
VIL DU BOLLE DET?: Would you f*ck it?
NESTE GANG, SLAR JEG DIG IHJEL: Next time, I'll kill you
NU SLAR JEG DIGIHJEL: Now I kill you.
SET DIG NED, DIN PIKSPILLER: Sit down, C*cksucker.
DU ER SKOR: You're insane.
LAD VAR MED AT TAGE PIS PAMIG: Don't piss with me.
GAMLE STODDER: Dirty old Bastard.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Around the Bar...
Harvey waxes philosphical before Tipping Out on his tab.
Speaking of the Tip Jar, Harvey was working feverishly on blog maintenance yesterday (actually his Lovely Wife was on a short trip) and he consolidated all his Funny Money posts. So, I was counting up all my tips for the night and figured it will take months before I can pay the rent if it keep going like this:
06.2003: $ 18.00
07.2003: $119.00
08.2003: $ 38.00
09.2003: $ 51.28
10.2003: $ 25.00
Eric at Straight White Guy has discovered A Simple Truth About Blogging: Friends don't let friends blog drunk. I think it involoves some drinking... imagine that! You will have to scroll down the page to get to the post until I can help him fix his permalinks. Actually, I think he has a pretty interesting site - a little different, some poetry (not too fluffy), some observations, some goofy stuff. Plus he entered a recipe in The Ultimate Bloggers Recipe Contest.
"How do deer know to cross at the 'Deer Crossing' signs?" you ask. How the hell would I know - go Ask Jen.
Things a man should know: About Women:
While yes sometimes means no, no always means no, as does her ordering the garlicky pesto sauce, twirling her hair around her finger while gazing absently into space, and getting up from the table to go to the ladies' room and never returning.
I found that right underneath a photo essay and article of Britney Spears. She may be famous for being famous, but you have to admit... she's an animal!. Anyway, I found the whole thing kind of ironic... or is that moronic?
Dude, Whereâ€(tm)s My Hairy Monkey Ass? From On The Fritz via SilverBlue.
Bloviating Inanities is a FREAK!
Here is a recipe I found somewhere yesterday. Whatever you do, don't smell it!
Gorilla Fart:
Wild Turkey 101
Bacardi 151
I made The Cast over at SilverBlue, hey everyone needs their own bartender! Now, you may be asking yourself, "Self, What the hell is a SilverBlue?" Well, a SilverBlue is many things to many people, but above all, he is loyal - an admirable personal quality in this day and age. Go bullshit with him for a while. I wonder what his real name is? Just.Silver.Blue?
The Bartender says: Go Vote in my polls in the sidebar!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »The Ultimate Strawberry Daquiri
Although the name of this recipe post is The Ultimate Dacquiri, I'm going to break it down into two separate posts: Frozen Strawberry Dacquiri and Frozen Banana Dacquiri.
The Ultimate Frozen Strawberry Dacquiri
Ingredients:
1 Packet Frozen Strawberries
1 oz Bacardi Rum
2 oz Creme de Almond
Sweet 'n Sour Cocktail Mix
Crushed Ice
1 lg Fresh Strawberry
1 sprig Fresh Mint
Kool-Whip Dessert Topping
Preparation:
Place crushed ice into a beverage blender - about 3/4 full. Fill remander of blender with thawed frozen strawberries. Pour rum and creme de almond into blender. Fill with sour mix. Blend until thick and smooth. Remember, the longer you blend the mixture, the thinner it will become.
Presentation:
Pour frozen mixture into a tall, stemmed cocktail glass. Fill to 3/4 full. Spray a line whipping cream around the outside of the glass. Pouring mixture into the center, fill remainder of glass with frozen mixture. Do Not Overfill Glass! Spray a spot of whipping cream onto the center of mixture. Garnish with a large fresh strawberry pressed on the rim of the glass, and a spring of mint leaf placed stem down by the rim, beside the strawberry. The strawberry will look better with the stem still attached.
Tomorrow: The Ultimate Banana Dacquiri
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Loyal Citizen Chatroom
I was finishing up some posts on Saturday night, so I decided to drop by The Loyal Citizen AIM Chatroom - Where the VRWC Conspires. The topics of conversations over are vast and varied. The topic somehow got turned to drinking, what people's favorite drinks, liquor, cocktails, etc. were. Someone brought up cocktails for Saudis! And away we went... Great hilarity and mass spewage ensued. By the end, everyone was ROFLTAO - couldn't type, couldn't spell, couldn't breath - laughing.too.hard.
Here are some of the drinks we determined the Saudi would drink:
- Turbin Twister
- Mecca Surprize
- Baghdad Buzzsaw
- Bloody Imam
- Mad Mullah
- Medina Sunrise
- Fuzzy Goat Butt: Mad Dog 20/20, poured into Helen Thomas' navel
- Saudi Sunrise: Camel Piss /w Sand
- Sex With A Goat: Mountain Dew /w Prune Juice
- One Eyed Cleric (Mullah Omar): Needs Recipe
Misha suggested we come up with a recipe for the One Eyed Cleric. So, how about this;
1 oz Everclear
1 oz Bacardi 151
1 oz Wild Turkey 101
Orange Juice
Cranberry Juice
If that doesn't make you walk around in a circle with one eye closed, a patch over your other eye and a towel on your head... nothing will!
The Bartender says: drop on by the chat room for The Anti-Idiotarian Cocktail Party some time - lots of fine folks with strong opinions - and not afraid to let you know what they are! Good Times...Great fun!!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »The Imperial Cocktail
While we are on the topic of favorite cocktails, I wanted to come up with an official Imperial Cocktail for The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler.
We need a really cool, catchy name.
And a recipe with Vodka and/or Schnapps and/or Ouzo - that's what our Emperor, Lord of Misha's Minionsâ„¢ drinks.
So, put your thinking caps on and help me come up with something worthy of our great and mighty Emperor Misha I.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Monday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast...
"May the most you wish for be the least you get!"
Bart's Call to Moe
[Bart (in Principal Skinner's office)]
Uh, Homer Sexual? Aw, come on, come on, one of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!
Homer says "Don't look at me!"
Oh, no...
You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
Skinner, on the other end of the line, says "You'll do what, young man?"
Today's Drinking Story
That's Called A Mi-Fly
Yogism: "The future ain't what it used to be."
ClueBat Insults: Thou pribbling, tardy-gaited moldwarp!
Movie Madness
Angry Kittens
Dumb Ass Big Cat Jokes
On which day do lions eat people ?
Why did the lion feel sick after he'd eaten the priest ?
What did the lioness say to the cub chasing a hunter ?
What do you call a lion wearing a cravat and a flower in its mane ?
What happens when a lion runs into an express train at the station ?
Why do you never see zebras or antelopes at Victoria Station ?
What do you call a show full of lions ?
How does a leopard change its spots ?
What happened to the man who tried to cross a lioin with a goat ?
Why was the lion-tamer fined ?
Answers in the Comments
Today's Foreign Language Party Cookie is Dutch (click thru for the really good stuff) zakkewasser: testical washer
eikel: dickhead
hoer: hooker
eikel: dickhead (mild)
Rukker: wanker
Spast: spaz
mongool: retard
pooier: pimp
sukkel: dumbf*ck
houd je rotsmoel: shut the hell up
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »The Adventures of Madfish Willie
I was working the joint during an unsually busy Happy Hour Party last Friday. There was a disheveled, goofy guy at the end of the bar scribbling furiously with a teeny, tiny little pencil in a small, black blood-stained book.
He was leaning back in Frank J's chair, with his feet kicked up on Misha's seat. Who was this freak? How dare he come into our place, sit in Frank J's special reserved place and put his feet on any chair, much less Misha's? The Rott was growling furiously, foaming at the mouth and straining at the chain to get at this interloper. [I was dog sitting The Rott for a couple of hours while Misha was out running around.] He didn't like the idea of someone sitting in Misha's seat. He didn't like people putting their feet up on the chairs, either.
This didn't look good. I could tell from my many years of experience dealing with dumb-asses that something bad was about to happen. I checked under the bar, making sure the Imperial ClueBat was handy, then I walked over and asked him if he needed something to drink.
"What is your blending capacity in this establishment?", he inquired.
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
The Ultimate Banana Daiquiri
Although the name of this recipe post is The Ultimate Dacquiri, I'm going to break it down into two separate posts: Frozen Strawberry Dacquiri and Frozen Banana Dacquiri.
The Ultimate Frozen Banana Dacquiri
Ingredients:
2-3 Fresh Bananas
1 oz Bacardi Rum
2 oz Creme de Banana
Soft Blue Bell Premium Ice Cream
1 sprig Fresh Mint
Kool-Whip Dessert Topping
Preparation:
Place softened ice cream into a beverage blender - about 3/4 full. Fill remander of blender with peeled fresh banana. Pour rum and creme de banana into blender. Blender until thick and smooth. This should not take very long. Remember, the longer you blend the mixture, the thinner it will become.
Presentation:
Pour frozen mixture into a tall, stemmed cocktail glass. Fill to 3/4 full. Spray a line whipping cream around the outside of the glass. Pouring mixture into the center, fill remainder of glass with frozen mixture. Do Not Overfill Glass! Spray a spot of whipping cream onto the center of mixture. Garnish with slices of fresh banana placed around the rim of the glass, and a spring of mint leaf placed stem down by the rim.
Cheers!
The Emporer Redesign The Palace
Emperor Misha I of The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler has redesigned the palace.
His highness has seen fit to include me, The Imperial Tender of Bars, in his
Below is the full and complete text of the Imperial Post:
Redesigning the PalaceI most humbly accept this important position and do solemnly swear to uphold the duties and expectations of the office, so help me G-d! Bullshit so far »It struck us, in our infinite wisdom, that it was about time that we got around to linking the Imperial Tender of Bars, so we did. Recognizing that the services of such a person are vital to the continued assault on His Majesty's liver, we furthermore decided to stick his link in the Council so that we won't have to hunt around for it when we need to issue a fresh challenge to our Imperial Ethanol Dehydrogenase (gotta make that damn enzyme earn its keep, dammit!)
So welcome, newly appointed Imperial Mixer of Poisons, and, once the applause has died down, go get his Imperial Booziness a drink!
Also, it struck us as unfair that the Imperial Armorer (and Keeper of the Arsenal of Doom, Death and Destruction™) was languishing below, so we yanked him further up on the food chain as well.
Besides, considering the Arsenal, it would seem prudent for us to keep a close eye on this one. You never know when your former loyal minions decide to get funny ideas, after all.
The Ultimate Strawberry Daiquiri
Although the name of this recipe post is The Ultimate Daiquiri, I'm going to break it down into two separate posts: Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri and Frozen Banana Daiquiri.
The Ultimate Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri
Ingredients:
1 Packet Frozen Strawberries
1 oz Bacardi Rum
2 oz Creme de Almond
Sweet 'n Sour Cocktail Mix
Crushed Ice
1 lg Fresh Strawberry
1 sprig Fresh Mint
Kool-Whip Dessert Topping
Preparation:
Place crushed ice into a beverage blender - about 3/4 full. Fill remander of blender with thawed frozen strawberries. Pour rum and creme de almond into blender. Fill with sour mix. Blend until thick and smooth. Remember, the longer you blend the mixture, the thinner it will become.
Presentation:
Pour frozen mixture into a tall, stemmed cocktail glass. Fill to 3/4 full. Spray a line whipping cream around the outside of the glass. Pouring mixture into the center, fill remainder of glass with frozen mixture. Do Not Overfill Glass! Spray a spot of whipping cream onto the center of mixture. Garnish with a large fresh strawberry pressed on the rim of the glass, and a spring of mint leaf placed stem down by the rim, beside the strawberry. The strawberry will look better with the stem still attached.
Tomorrow: The Ultimate Banana Daiquiri
Cheers!
Imperial Cocktail Party
I was finishing up some posts on Saturday night, so I decided to drop by The Loyal Citizen AIM Chatroom - Where the VRWC Conspires. The topics of conversations over are vast and varied. The topic somehow got turned to drinking, what people's favorite drinks, liquor, cocktails, etc. were. Someone brought up cocktails for Saudis! And away we went... Great hilarity and mass spewage ensued. By the end, everyone was ROFLTAO - couldn't type, couldn't spell, couldn't breath - laughing.too.hard.
Here are some of the drinks we determined the Saudi would drink:
- Turbin Twister
- Mecca Surprize
- Baghdad Buzzsaw
- Bloody Imam
- Mad Mullah
- Medina Sunrise
- Fuzzy Goat Butt: Mad Dog 20/20, poured into Helen Thomas' navel
- Saudi Sunrise: Camel Piss /w Sand
- Sex With A Goat: Mountain Dew /w Prune Juice
- One Eyed Cleric (Mullah Omar): Needs Recipe
Misha suggested we come up with a recipe for the One Eyed Cleric. So, how about this;
1 oz Everclear
1 oz Bacardi 151
1 oz Wild Turkey 101
Orange Juice
Cranberry Juice
If that doesn't make you walk around in a circle with one eye closed, a patch over your other eye and a towel on your head... nothing will!
The Bartender says: drop on by the chat room for The Anti-Idiotarian Cocktail Party some time - lots of fine folks with strong opinions - and not afraid to let you know what they are! Good Times...Great fun!!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Around the Bar...
Looks like Harvey had to beat up some hippies for tip money tonight! As long as it make it into the Tip Jar, I don't care.
I wonder if Blackfive can find a condom that will fit Rocket Jones' wallet. Maybe Homer can help them out.
Wondering how to increase the spoo in your goo? One Fine Jay knows!
Jim at Snooze Button Dreams pens a new Bibleman Action Figure Theme Song.
And he wanted to go camping? Eye On The Left gives us the skinny on some bear lunch rugged outdoorsmen.
Saloon Madfish Cyber Willies? The Evil Pundit of Doom shows us some logo-headed idiots. I wonder if I could hire four of them to walk around together all week...
Kevin at Wizbang issues an advisory: Don't mess with Baba Jallow - he'll whack your pee-pee.
SilverBlue has Prostitute / Protestant mixed up.
LeeAnn's friend, Rachel has an intersting way to end her makle believe stories - when she runs out of plot, she simply kills off everyone in the story. Abruptly.
Jim from Snooze Button Dreams proves you just can't beat the English language.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Hangover - Part V
So you wanna cure a hangover? I found this article a few months ago, and want to share it with you, while giving the appropriate credit the anonymous author(s) at soyouwanna.com
This article has five different sections:
- 1. Understand what alcohol does to your body.
2. Prepare for the night out.
3. Know what to do while you're drinking.
4. Survive the morning after.
5. Quaff our ultimate hangover cure.
Quaff The Ultimate Hangover Cure
Here it is: the fruit of all our painstaking research, The Almighty Hangover Emergency Cure. While the ingredients in this kit are based on hard science and not personal mythology, it must be said that there really is no cure for a hangover in the same sense that penicillin is a cure for an infection. There are several things, however, that you can put into your body to ease the pain and assist rapid recovery, including a little-known substance called cysteine. Cysteine directly counteracts the poisonous effects of acetaldehyde. The following arsenal-in-a-milkshake is so loaded with the anti-toxic munitions your body needs, that after it makes short work of your hangover, it might just clear out your nasal passages, shrink your hemorrhoids, and leap out of your body and write your History term paper. Behold the official SoYouWanna.com Almighty Hangover Emergency Cure (patent pending):
- 1. Take 2 aspirins
2. Take 200mg cysteine (available at specialty food stores)
3. Take 600mg vitamin C
4. Take 1 tablet vitamin B-complex
5. Mix the following ingredients together in a blender:
- 1 banana
- 1 small can V-8
- 6 large strawberries
- 2 tablespoons honey
- 1 cup orange juice
- 1-2 cups milk (or soy milk), to desired consistency
- ¼ tsp. salt
- dash of nutmeg
For a headache that drugs don't seem to touch, try an icepack or a bag of frozen peas wrapped in a tea towel, 20 minutes on your head, 10 minutes off. There've been lots of hangover remedies over the centuries, from the Assyrian crushed swallows' beaks with myrrh to Rabbit Dropping Tea (though we think that it tastes a little raisin-y). Friends of ours have suggested everything from club soda to the classic Bull's Eye (OJ and a raw egg) to pickle brine straight from the pickle jar. But if you're looking for something substantial that actually prevents vomiting, invest in the necessary pills and keep your blender handy; the Almighty Hangover Emergency Cure, judiciously combined with the wise drinking practices detailed above, is for you.
Cheers!
Saturday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast
..."Here's to your health!
You make age curious,
Time furious,
And the rest of us envious!"
Bart's Call to Moe
[Bart with Lisa]
Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz!
Oh, wait a minute...
Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
[Bart laughs]
Today's Drinking Story
The Blushing Bride
Yogism: 90% of the putts that are short, don't go in.
ClueBat InsultsThou tottering, tickle-brained skainsmate!
Movie MadnessPunk Kittens
Dumb Ass Gorilla Jokes
Why did the Gorilla fail English?
Why did the Gorilla visit Italy?
Why did the simian refuse to play in the National Football League?
Why do apes climb to the tops of buildings?
Why do Apes like tall buildings?
Why do Apes love to go to school in bad neighbourhoods?
Why do primates do so well in show biz?
Why do the Gorillas like Jimmy Carter?
Why do waiters like Gorillas better than flies?
Why should you always refuse to lend an Ape money?
Foreign Language Party Cookie in Finnishhelvetti: hell
kusipää: pisshead
paskiainen: bastard
paska: shit
saatana: satan
perkele: damn
vedä käteen: jerk off
paskapää: shithead
Cheers!
The Ultimate Queso
The Ultimate Queso recipe is one of my own creations. It is pretty simple and I use only the highest quality ingredients.
- Ingredients:
1 lb block of Velveeta Cheese
.5 - 1 cup of Milk
1 - 2 cups of the Ultimate Salsa
1 Buttload of quality dipping style Tortilla Chips
Preparation:
Cut Velveeta Cheese into small cubes. Place cheese into a double boiler or crock pot. Place heat on medium and slow cook until melted. Add milk and hand blend. Add the Ultimate Salsa mix and blend until all ingredients are thoroughly incorporated. Add additional milk as needed until desired thickness is achieved.
Presentation:
Pour Queso mixture into medium sized bowl. Dip tortilla chips into Ultimate Queso and insert into mouth. [You're dripping that stuff all over the place]
Variations:
Chili con Queso: add spicy, browned, ground-beef (85-15 minimum) to taste.
The Bartender says: Make sure you have a large towel available to wipe your mouth and chin and shirt and chair.
Cheers!
The Ultimate Cocktail Recipe
What is your favorite cocktail recipe?
I have been posting The Ultimate Recipes here this week and will continue to post them for the next couple of weeks for both food & beverages.
Venomous Kate sent me an improvement on a variation one of my Ultimate Martini recipes, the Dirty Martini. I decided to rename that particular variation of the drink after her - The Venomous Martini!
Then, SilverBlue sent me a really cool recipe of his favorite drink. It had a neat name and concept too, but somehow we'll have to name it the SilverBlue Cocktail.
So, I wanted to have a contest and here it is.
The Ultimate Blogger Cocktail Recipe Contest:
- Contest is open to anyone (prefer you to have a blog - but will consider all entries).
- You may enter as many times as you wish.
- Send me your favorite cocktail recipe (either in comments or e-mail me)
- Give it a name relating to your blog.
- All recipes posted on Friday, October 24.
- Style points for recipe originality.
- Style points for drink title originality.
- I will determine top 10 recipes.
- My decision for top 10 is final.
- I will post a Poll Host poll at the top of my blog for 1 week.
- Vote 1x per day till Thursday, October 30.
- Winner is entry with most votes posted on Poll Host by blog readers.
- Winner announced on Friday, October 31.
Winner will recieve a 1 liter bottle of your preferred liquor (within reason - don't be an asshole!).
I'll keep these instructions at the top of the page throughout the contest. Good Luck!
Cheers!
Update: Check the links under The Ultimate Blogger Recipes for all submissions to-date.
Bullshit so far »Around the Bar...
Harvey has another greenback for the Ultimate Tip Jar. I wonder when he's gonna get me one of these?
Harvey also has a nice post Why Willie's? of his impressions of my site. Thank you again for all your help the past several weeks!
Jennifer votes for one of my posts in the New Blog Showcase. That means I get at least one vote - maybe we can somehow count her vote as two... or five.
Ramblings of SilverBlue has one damn fine hunting dog. He also e-mailed a really cool drink recipe yesterday. Hmmm... That gives me an idea!
They at Anger Management have been reading the dirty magazines again. They are also on a rant. Go see them to see Why? They sure are cranky.
Wichi Dude at Life Happens thinks Old Albums sound better than todays CDs. My mom has a big stack of 78rpm Vinyl and my aunt has my Great Aunt's collection of the old metal perforated disks and the machine that plays them. I wish I could get my hands on that!
Blackfive is throwing an It's a Blogiversary! party. Plus he finally got around to blogrolling me - a High Five for Black Five!
Helen at Everyday Stranger is my kind of gal! She has a two part Drunk Chick Talk post. Just don't try to take advantage of her while she's drunk! This babe really has an entertaining writing style.
Master Yoder at the Accidental Jedi has a corny joke - the kind we like here.
LeeAnn at The Cheese Stands Alone has a cooking tip for us. While your there, check out the URL - I love it!
Lastly today, I want to thank all of you who have blogrolled me to date:
- Bad Money
- Practical Penumbra
- Jennifer's History and Stuff
- Who Tends The Fires
- Blackfive
- Spatula City
- The Ramblings of SilverBlue
- The Alliance of Free Blogs Thank you for your support!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Friday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast
..."May you have the health of a salmon,
A strong heart, and a wet mouth."
Bart's Call to Moe
[Bart with Lisa]
Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!
Oh, wait a minute...Jacques Strap
It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!
[Bart laughs]
Today's Drinking Story
Don't Punch the Guiter Player
Yogism: When asked what time it was, Yogi said "do you mean now"
ClueBat InsultsThou reeky motley-mided puttock!
Movie MadnessThe Northern Kitten Band
Dumb Ass Chicken Jokes
What do you call a crazy chicken ?
What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way ?
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck?
Why don't chickens like people ?
Why did the rooster run away ?
What do chickens grow on ?
Why is it easy for chicks to talk ?
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder ?
What happened when the chicken ate cement ?
What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken ?
Foreign Language Party Cookie in ArabicMuti: jackass
Bouse Tizi: Kiss my ass
Khawal: Gay
Sharmoota Haygana: Horny Bitch
Maaras: Pimp
Ebn el Metanaka: Son of a bitch
Cheers!
3 Little Words
3 little words that will get guys slapped!
If only there were a switch men could flip before they opened their mouths and said something completely off-putting. If only someone could invent an early warning system to reside in men's minds and alert them before they uttered something inane or offensive. Why aren't the big brains working on that?
Now, I'm not saying that women are always articulate. I'm not saying we never take a verbal misstep that can send a fella running screaming from the room. But after years of study, it appears to me that men are more likely than women to run off at the mouth in the most unflattering ways.
So until someone figures out how to keep gents from going off half-cocked, as it were, I offer these 10 dodgey lines as examples of what to avoid:
1. "Come here often?" Please. This is so hackneyed that even if you actually want to know, it's going to send the wrong signal. All this line does is make you appear totally incapable of an original thought.
2. "Are those real?" Curiosity killed the cat. It also just killed your chances with her, unless she's a total bimbo.
"The rule of thumb should be, 'If you have to ask, the answer is probably no,'" counsels Becky, 33. "And you should never ask. Wait for your chance to find out first-hand."
3. "What's your sign?" Hello? It's the 21st century. You're probably still wearing that nifty polyester disco suit or a turtleneck sweater and belted leather jacket. Unless you're at a theme party or a retro bar, this line screams, "Hi, I'm a walking cliché."
4. "My wife's away." Quick. Duck and cover.
"This line — and the guy who says it — is an accident waiting to happen," quips Magda, 43.
5. "Are you pregnant?" Nothing good will come from this — ever.
6. "Who's your daddy?" Someone please retire this one.
"Where do guys get the idea that women dig this line?" wonders Trina, 29. "Have you ever met a women who gets turned on by it? Of course not!"
The Bartender says: I don't see what's wrong with #6... at the right time, in the right place. Hehehe!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »The Ultimate Salsa
The Ultimate Salsa recipe is from the Yucatan Liquor Stand in Oklahoma City (now closed). This is a 15 gallon quantity recipe, so you will have adjust proportions.
- Ingredients:
2 case #10 can - Heinz Garlic & Herb Diced Tomatoes
5 lbs fresh Jalepeno Peppers
1 case #10 can Hunts Tomato Juice
2 #10 cans Ketchup
5 lbs White Onions - diced
5-6 bunches of fresh Cilantro
1 cup Cracked Black Pepper
.5 cup Cumin
4 cups McCormicks California Style Garlic Salt
1 Buttload of quality dipping style Tortilla Chips
Preparation:
Pour diced tomatos, tomato juice, and ketchup into large mixing bowl. Add cracked black pepper, cumin, and garlic salt into mixture and mix thoroughly by hand. Cut stems off jalepeno peppers and discard. Chop jalepeno peppers and place into mixture. Dice onions and place into mixture. Finely chop cilantro and place into mixture. Mix all ingredients until well blended. Place in large covered bowl and refrigerate. Best served cold.
This will give you a Thick & Chunky Ultimate Salsa.
Variations:
Regular Ultimate Salsa: use a mechanical blender to dice onions and cilantro before adding to mixture. You can also increase the proportion of tomato juice and possibly add some Real Lemon to thin the mixture.
Extra Spicy Ultimate Salsa: subsitute a hotter pepper for jalepeno or add the hotter pepper to this recipe. Cayenne pepper can also be added to "kick it up a notch".
The Bartender says: I apologize for my lack of proper proportions. Actually, I thought I had lost this recipe years ago, but I found it in my book on HTML code! Bingo!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Hangover - Part IV
So you wanna cure a hangover? I found this article a few months ago, and want to share it with you, while giving the appropriate credit the anonymous author(s) at soyouwanna.com
This article has five different sections:
- 1. Understand what alcohol does to your body.
2. Prepare for the night out.
3. Know what to do while you're drinking.
4. Survive the morning after.
5. Quaff our ultimate hangover cure.
Survice The Morning After
You're alive. Give yourself a pat on the back. Sure, someone is trying to drive an iron spike into the back of your skull with a huge mallet, and what used to be mere colors and sounds are now interesting new species of pain, but you're still alive. You didn't choke on your own vomit. Small steps. Here's how to survive the rest of the morning:
Go back to bed. Is it a workday? Call in sick, call in sick, call in sick. You really are sick. Just ask your doctor. There are two ways of dealing with this fact:
Insane: "I was bad, so I deserve to feel like crap right now, and the only responsible thing to do is to drag my sorry carcass into work."
Sane: "Hello, _____ ? (insert boss's or even better, boss's secretary's name) Yeah, hi, it's ____. (insert your name) Listen, I think I might vomit, so I'm going to stay in bed for a while. Yeah, thanks. Bye."
Seriously, lie and call in that you have the stomach flu. No one will ask you about the details, and you'll sound awful anyway. Your body needs rest as it struggles to repair itself.
No more alcohol. The health-care pros generally believe that if, after a night of karaoke and greenish cocktails, you wake up all fuzzy-tongued and nauseous and that bottle of six-year-old crème de menthe on the night stand still looks good to you, you've got a problem. More booze the day after is just gonna make things worse.
Beware of coffee. Most of us blindly stretch out a shaky hand for the coffee cure-all based on the hypothesis that it usually wakes you up in the morning, so a cup of joe could do no harm. Those in the know, however, largely advise you to stay away from caffeinated beverages, since they are diuretic, and will aggravate dehydration. Opposing the kill-joys are those who tout coffee's headache-fighting power, and those who feel that denying a caffeine-addict his cup of Juan Valdez in times of greatest need constitutes cruel and unusual punishment. The decision is yours, but it's probably better just to take an aspirin instead.
Quaff our ultimate hangover cure: Coming tomorrow night
Cheers!
Filthy Lies
.
What do dogs have that no other animal has ?
Why is it called a "litter" of puppies ?
What looks like a dog, sounds like a dog, eats like a dog, but isn't a dog?
What did Evil Glenn sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy ?
What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow ?
What would you call a nine day old dog in Russia?
What should you know before you teach your puppy a new trick?
Where do you usually find puppys?
How is a puppy like a penny?
How long are a puppy's legs?
Evil Glenn answers these questions in the comments.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »The Ultimate Insult
This is what I would say if I had the floor at a Jacques Chirac press conference.
[Drink Alert is in effect for the remainer of this post.]
JACQUES CHIRAC IS A TROLL AND MUST DIE!
Thou hast forsaken me! Mine hatred of thee is pure and all-consuming. Now thou shalt taste the wrath of a Viking unavenged!
Hither and yon, thine creamy center will squish with greater glee than a pair of over-cooked rice balls! Lo, the overly-shiney Tricycle of Death comes to cart thy soul to the Monkey House! I shalt smite thine grandmother's stockings with more force than a polyp-bottomed Hungarian goat-herd on Tuesday! Behold, mine Fists of Justice greet thy face with a dozen roses and an unceremonious root canal! I will pelt thee with little packets of unpronounceable imported cheese! I shall flatten thee until thou can be used to store mine stock portfolio. I shall frappe thine entrails and paint thee tombstone with glitter! I shall force thee to wear thine dog's ass for a feedbag. Ye just wait til mine fuzzy rubber chicken gets through with thee! Odin calls upon Loyal Citizens to rise up and wield your mightiest weapons of destruction against this evil pretender!
[By this time, I'm really pissed off. I really let him have it. I give him The Ultimate Insult]
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
New Blog Showcase
My votes for this week's New Blog Showcase:
Cult of Random for When Good Tacos Go Bad
Mjxm for SUV, Meet Foot
George W Bush's blog for Graham Out
OK, now the rest of you bloggers get over there and vote for me:
Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon for Hangover - Part I
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Around the Bar...
It looks like the Ulimate Tip Jar is empty tonight. Harvey is cut off - Go drink some coffee.
Evil Glenn is a FREAK!
Venomous Kate links to me today! WOW! Looks likes she's about to throw The Ultimate Tropical Blogging Bash.
Jennifer's Presidential Fun Fact of the Day is Bess Truman.
Jennifer's What Do You Know researches cliches referencing drinking/drunk. She tells us the origins of these timeless beauties!
"Never pet a burning dog!" - My personal favorite
"Hair of the dog that bit you."
"Drunk as a skunk."
"Drunk as Cooter Brown."
"Blind drunk."
"Here's mud in your eye."
Computers out of toner and coffee with cheese? What's up with that?
Frank J declares a new holiday.
Buck the Marine kickin ass in Iraq.
Lord Spatula I is feeding people to the lions...again?
Jim's having luch with G and G has some weird ideas about Spanking the Monkey. I think G just won the Freak of the Week Award!
Michelle's bitch slapping thousands of California idiots...er...voters.
Tom's raising hell about the smoking Nazis, sobriety check-points (illegal, by the way), and lower blood alcohol percentages.
"A wee-mo-wack! A wee-mo-wack! In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight!" The Everyday Stranger is singing the closing song from a bar I managed in Dallas - the Safari Bar & Restaurant on the old restaurant row. I used to really like that song...excuse me...while I have a flashback!
Coming Soon:
The Ultimate Salsa Recipe
The Ultimate Queso Recipe
History of Beer
Evil Glenn Filthy Lie
Calling Shotgun
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »The Ultimate Insult
This is what I would say if I had the floor at a Jacques Chirac press conference.
[Drink Alert is in effect for the remainer of this post.]
JACQUES CHIRAC IS A TROLL AND MUST DIE!
Thou hast forsaken me! Mine hatred of thee is pure and all-consuming. Now thou shalt taste the wrath of a Viking unavenged!
Hither and yon, thine creamy center will squish with greater glee than a pair of over-cooked rice balls! Lo, the overly-shiney Tricycle of Death comes to cart thy soul to the Monkey House! I shalt smite thine grandmother's stockings with more force than a polyp-bottomed Hungarian goat-herd on Tuesday! Behold, mine Fists of Justice greet thy face with a dozen roses and an unceremonious root canal! I will pelt thee with little packets of unpronounceable imported cheese! I shall flatten thee until thou can be used to store mine stock portfolio. I shall frappe thine entrails and paint thee tombstone with glitter! I shall force thee to wear thine dog's ass for a feedbag. Ye just wait til mine fuzzy rubber chicken gets through with thee! Odin calls upon Loyal Citizens to rise up and wield your mightiest weapons of destruction against this evil pretender!
[By this time, I'm really pissed off. I really let him have it. I give him The Ultimate Insult]
Bullshit so far »
Thursday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast
..."May you be in heaven a half hour
before the devil knows you're dead."
Bart's Call to Moe
[Bart with Lisa]
Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely!
Wait a minute...
Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
[Bart and Lisa laugh]
Today's Drinking Story To tar, or not to tar - That is the question.
Yogism"I really didn't say everything I said"
ClueBat InsultsThou puking, sheep-biting dewberry!
Movie MadnessHere's a touching ballad about a Red Panda's love for his girlfriend - Hippo Girl.
Dumb Ass Bear Jokes
Why do bears have fur coats ?
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig ?
What should you call a bald teddy ?
What animal do you look like when you get into the bath ?
Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?
Have you ever hunted bear ?
How do you hire a teddy bear?
What's a teddy bears favourite pasta ?
Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo ?
What is a bear's favourite drink ?
Foreign Language Party Cookie from AfrikaansJy pis my af: You're pissing me off
Hoer: Whore
Slet: Slut
Kak: Shit
Poephol: Asshole
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »The Ultimate Margarita
"Basically, this is the concoction that created the Americanos' taste for tequila in the 1960's. Before this, tequila (which is technically a brandy) was best known in Central America and Mexico. Tax records in the Mexican town of Tequila note that 3 barrels of "mezcal wine" had been shipped to Texas in 1873, and American troop in pursuit of Pancho Villa had brought some back in 1916. Still, folks north of the border had not quite taken to the taste of tequila. Even when there was a shortage of gin during World War II, the gringo interest in tequila proved to be nothing more than a flirtation.
Then California college students discovered the Margarita, and the rest (as they say) is history. As for the creation of the drink itself, several bars and bartenders have staked a claim. The Caliente Racetrack in Tijuana boasts of its origin around 1930, as does Bertita's bar in Tasca, Mexico. Later claims have been insisted upon not only by the Garci Crespo Hotel in Puebla, Mexico, around 1936 (where the bartender says he named the drink for his girlfriend), but also by a couple from San Antonio, Texas, who spent many an hour wasting away during the 1950's at the bar of the Flamingo Hotel in Acapulco, where they owned a home. (Her name, of course, was Margarita.) And not to be denied a piece of the legend is an LA restaurant called The Tale of the Cock, where they claim to have created this recipe first during the Eisenhower Administration.
But the most documented story comes from Danny Herrera, who owned Rancho La Gloria between Rosarito Beach and Tijuana. In the late 1940's, a showgirl named Marjorie King stopped there often, and she had a drinking "problem" of sorts: she was allergic to every form of booze except tequila, which she needed mixed. Among the many tequila experiments that Danny Herrera tried was a concoction consisting of 3 parts white tequila, 2 parts Cointreau, and 1 part fresh lemon juice. These he shook together in a container of shaved ice, then served up in a short stemmed glass rimmed with lemon juice and salt. This she liked, and so he gave the drink the Spanish name for Marjorie: Margarita."
- Recipe:
1 1/2 oz. Cuervo Gold Tequila
3/4 oz. Cointreau
Splash of Sour Mix
Fresh sqeezed lime juice
Lime wedge
Lime wheel
Preparation:
Prepare salted rim glass (see below) before mixing cocktail. Pour ingredients into mixing glass over ice. Shake vigorously for several seconds - you should have a frothy mix when complete. Pour with ice (on the rocks) into salted rim glass or strain and serve (straight up) in salted rim glass.
Presentation:
Moisten rim of tall stemmed glass. The best way to do this is to wet a sponge and push the rim of the glass onto the surface of the sponge. Dip rim of glass into a pile of Kosher salt. You should have a thick line of salt on the rim. Your mixture should be filled up to right below the salted rim. Sqeeze lime wedge into drink and throw rind away. Garnish with lime wheel.
Variations:
Add more sweet-n-sour mix and blend with ice for a Frozen Margarita. Pour into tall, stemmed, salt rimmed glass. Garnish with lime wheel and insert milk straw.
Add completed Frozen Margarita to Frozen Strawberry Dacquiri for a Frozen Strawberry Margarita. Note: For the ultimate presentation of FSM alternate pouring Frozen Strawberry Dacquiri then Frozen Margarita into tall stemmed sugar rimmed glass giving you a layered or swirled appearance. Garnish with large strawberry, lime wheel, and insert milk straw.
Cheers!
Hangover - Part III
So you wanna cure a hangover? I found this article a few months ago, and want to share it with you, while giving the appropriate credit the anonymous author(s) at soyouwanna.com
This article has five different sections:
- 1. Understand what alcohol does to your body.
2. Prepare for the night out.
3. Know what to do while you're drinking.
4. Survive the morning after.
5. Quaff our ultimate hangover cure.
Know What To Do While You're Drinking
While you're out
OK, so you've loaded up on food and water. Now you can start your drinking. But while you're deciding whether you'd like a fuzzy navel or a Shirley Temple, there are a few things you can do while you're drinking to lessen the effects of the alcohol:
Choose your booze with care. There are poisons besides alcohol itself that contribute to a brutal hangover. Nasty chemicals called congeners occur naturally in all fermented drinks. The general rule is that darker drinks, such as red wine, bourbon, scotch, and brandy have more congeners than lighter drinks like white wine, vodka, and gin. But you should also keep in mind that whatever your drink's color, the cheaper it is, the more poison will be in it. So avoid the cheap sauce. One further note: red wine contains an extra hangover-inducing poison all of its own called tyramine. So be especially careful with cheap red wine.
Alternate alcoholic beverages with non-alcoholic beverages. This simple measure will help keep you hydrated. A fruit juice (which is particularly good at re-hydrating the body) is an especially good choice. If you're afraid that it'll make you look like a loser to be without an alcoholic drink, then lie and tell your friends it's a screwdriver. They'll probably be too drunk to notice that it's not.
Consume less than one drink per hour. Your liver breaks down alcohol at the rate of about a beer an hour, so spreading out the drinking over the course of an evening will lessen the likelihood of a hangover.
When you get home
Okay, you've had your fun, and staggered home-maybe threw up in the cab and forgot to leave a tip. Nothing to do now but attempt to remove any over-clothing or groupies that may have adhered to you and pass out within ten feet of the bed. Suddenly, your thoughts veer round like an oil tanker to the sobering realization that you've wrecked your poor body, and will surely pay for it in the morning. What can you do?
Have a pee. That'll save you at least one nocturnal trip to the bathroom.
Drain the contents of a very large, very full glass of water. Then refill, and drink some more. This will be surprisingly unpleasant, but must be done. If you prefer, drink some orange juice or Gatorade. The thing is, you need electrolytes, which will keep you hydrated.
Finally, remember that you shouldn't take analgesics (that is, headache medicine) of any kind at this stage. Some folks pop pills as a preventative, even though the inevitable headache hasn't yet arrived. This isn't a good idea. Aspirin upsets the stomach and aggravates the symptoms of a hangover. Acetaminophen (Tylenol), when mixed with the alcohol still in your bloodstream, might cause your liver to explode (best to avoid). If you want to take a pill, a multivitamin might help by replenishing some of the B vitamins you've pissed away during the course of the evening. Besides that, just drink lots of water, and rest easy in the knowledge that you have already pre-prepared one of our patented Almighty Hangover Emergency Cures and that it will be waiting for you in the morning.
IMPORTANT NOTE: See a doctor IMMEDIATELY if you are experiencing tremors, stomach pain, or if you see blood in your vomit. These are indications that you have tippled way too much, and must get professional medical attention, (e.g., a stomach-pump at the local emergency room). Better safe than sorry.
Survive the morning after: Coming tomorrow night.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »The Blogfather
Yeah, I know, real original title. I just noticed that Harvey at Bad Money has blogrolled me. Woohooo! I made my first blogroll.
Now, if I can get that damn Lord Spatula I to pull his head out of his butt, as he said he would blogroll me when he got the time. [Hmmm...What to do?]
Update:
Maybe I should have gone and checked his site before I started cussing him like a dog over here, but I'm blogrolled over at Spatula City BBS now, too. D'oh - sorry bro'.
Cheers!
The Ultimate Martini
[ed. I just wanted to update my Martini recipe from an earlier post and make it more complete.]
... As the Martini matured in popularity, its paternity was contested, giving rise to a second theory. Call this The Martinez Story. Citizens of Martinez, California, claimed that around 1870 a miner from San Francisco stopped his horse at Julio Richelieu's saloon on Ferry Street in Martinez for a bottle of whiskey. Richelieu was a young Frenchman who had come up from to Contra Costa County from New Orleans. The miner plunked a tobacco sack of gold nuggets on the bar near the weigh-scales and handed Richelieu a bottle. The bartender filled the container with whiskey from a large barrel, but the traveler said he wasn't quite satisfied. To make up the difference, Richelieu picked up a glass, mixed him a small drink, and dropped an olive in it. "What is it?" asked the miner. "That," replied Richelieu, "is a Martinez cocktail."
Richelieu left Martinez to operate barrooms in San Francisco, his last saloon being Lotta's Fountain on the corner of Kearny and Market. Richelieu served a Free Lunch and a number of gourmet cocktails, but the Martinez was his specialty in the 1880s. Although Richelieu didn't stake his claim with a bar manual, the town of Martinez still insists that it is the Birthplace of the Martini; in 1992, a zealous group installed a brass plaque on the corner of Alhambra and Masonic to declare this "fact."
Recipe:
Two ounces of premium brand Vokda / Gin.
Splash of Dry Vermouth.
Preparation:
Do not pour the vermouth over ice.
Chill the Martini glass by submerging glass into crushed ice.
Chill vodka over ice in mixing glass.
Pour chilled water / ice from Martini glass and quickly dry inside of glass.
Pour vermouth into Martini glass, swirl, pour out, shake remainer of vermouth from glass.
Strain vokda into stemmed Martini glass.
Presentation:
Spear three small stuffed olives and drop in glass to marinate.
When drinking a Martini, take a bit out of olive and a sip of Martini, chew, swirl, swallow.
Variations:
Dry Martini - delete verymouth and rub lemon twist, skin side out, around rim of glass.
Dirty Martini - add olive juice into chilling mixture, garnish blue Bleu Cheese stuffed olives.
Tequini - delete Vodka / Gin and substitute premium Gold Tequila, garnish with lime wheel.
Gibson - delete cocktail olives and substitute a spear of three cocktail onions.
Shaken or Stirred?
It's your decision, I like mine very cold, so shake it!
Update: The Dirty Martini will heretofore be known as The Venomous Martini.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Wednesday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast...
"May you live as long as you like,
And have all you like as long as you live."
Bart's Prank Call[Bart with Lisa and Maggie]
Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!
[Marge picks up the extension and hears:]
Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!
Harvey finally comes across with some big cabbage for the Tip Jar. I was just fixin ta aks ya what the hell, dude, where's the beef? Now you're talking, daddio! [reaches up and pulls the high roller tip bell...repeatedly] Update: Some son-of-a-bitch came and swiped my $20 bill out of the Tip Jar. Friggin' rotten, thievin, bastards!
Stop looking at my TITS! Jim at Snooze Button Dreams has the answer to one of the mankind's deepest mysteries .
One burning question has lingered in the thoughts of women across the world since the very beginning of civilization. "Why the hell are guys like that?" Or more specifically, "Why can't I have a rational conversation with a guy without him looking at my boobs every five seconds or having his eyes glaze over as he strokes his mental stiffy with thoughts of me in a naughty French maid outfit, two nipple clamps and a short but firm whip?"Helen has some advice. When you take your lady to the bar, keep your eyes in your head and take the swivel out of your neck. And don't be lookin around the room when she's in the john with all her friends. She'll sneak up behind you and smack the crap out of you. Then all the shit hits the fan and I have to come over there and throw everybody out. Be warned!
Beat me, beat me, whip me till I bleed!
Beam Me Up Scotty! Ever talk to a computer?< Go check out A.L.I.C.E. and "talk" to this Artificial Intelligence bot. I jacked around with it the other day, but couldn't talk her into to coming over for any wild trick f***ing.
Coming Soon: The History of Beer
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Hangover - Part II
>So you wanna cure a hangover? I found this article a few months ago, and want to share it with you, while giving the appropriate credit the anonymous author(s) at soyouwanna.com
This article has five different sections:
1. Understand what alcohol does to your body.
2. Prepare for the night out.
3. Know what to do while you're drinking.
4. Survive the morning after.
5. Quaff our ultimate hangover cure.
Prepare For The Night Out
So now that you know exactly how alcohol can affect your little ol' body and what makes you likely to feel the aftereffects, it is time to figure out how to prevent and cure a hangover. By way of precaution, we recommend you prepare yourself even before you step out the door, by following these tips:
Don't go out on an empty stomach. Granted, it's completely unrealistic to ask you to pause and enjoy a healthy meal full of starches and stocked with essential minerals when you're getting ready to have a night on the town. But you should consider taking a preventative dose of the hangover cure you'll find at the end of this article. Also, launch your night at the pub with a double order of curly fries. The moderating effect this will have on the absorption of alcohol into your bloodstream in the short term may be more important than the clogged arteries in the long term. The reason that food is so important is because it'll sop up the alcohol so that it doesn't all go directly into the bloodstream.
Hydrate your body. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Sure, you'll probably still wake up at 4 a.m. with hairbrush tongue and a desperate compulsion to hang your head under the faucet, but every glass of juice or water you force yourself to swallow now is worth two in the morning. Everyone knows that alcohol acts as a diuretic. In case those long hours at the urinal didn't tip you off, more is going out than coming in. You need to replace that liquid.
Pre-prepare an Almighty Hangover Emergency Cure. Unless you're certain you'll be capable of operating a blender in the morning, you might want to be kind to your future (potentially hungover) self and prepare one of these miraculous little cures. You'll thank your past self the next morning, when you're in a cold sweat, crawling slowly toward the fridge.
So the lowdown is: eat, drink (water), and you'll be merry in the morning.
Know what to do while you’re drinking: Coming tomorrow night.
Cheers!
The Ultimate Bloody Mary
Today's recipe from the The Professional Mixologist Recipe Guide is The Bartender's very own creation and damn near as good as The Ultimate Martini.
This drink hails from Harry's New York Bar in Paris, and was first mixed by "Pete" Petoit. When Pete came back to New York City in the 1930's, he introduced the Red Snapper as America's first Bloody Mary. It was made with Gin, as Vodka was just emerging as a new spirit to American palates. The name may be attributed to Mary Tudor, the daughter of Henry VIII, who was declared illegitimate when Henry divorced her mother in 1532 to marry Anne Boleyn. She had a brief five year tenure as Queen and managed to kill off most of her Protestant adversaries. She was known as "Bloody Mary". Another account is that a patron said it reminded him of a girl named Mary he knew at the Bucket of Blood Club in Chicago. [Follow the link for a good picture of final product]
- Ingredients:
1 1/4 oz. Vodka
Worchestershire Sauce - splash or to taste
Tabasco Sauce - splash or to taste
Real Lemon Juice - splash or to taste
Celery Salt - pinch or to taste
Cracked Pepper - pinch or to taste
Kosher salt
Tomato juice
Preparation:
Pour Vodka, Worchestershire sauce, Real Lemon juice, celery salt, cracked pepper, and tomato juice over ice in a mixing glass. Shake mixture enough to consolidate ingredients.
Presentation:
Salted rim glass
Stalk of celery - must have small amount of leaves on stalk
Lime wheel
Lime wedge - 1/8 small lime
Moisten rim of tall glass. The best way to do this is to wet a sponge and push the rim of the glass onto the surface of the sponge. Dip rim of glass into a pile of Kosher salt. You should have a thick line of salt on the rim. Pour consolidated mixture from mixing glass into beverage glass, leaving enough room to place celery stalk into glass. Take a slice of lime and slit from center out. Place on rim of glass. Squeeze lime wedge onto top of Bloody Mary and discard skin. Your mixture should be filled up to right below the salted rim.
The Bartender says: I used to make this recipe in 5 Gallon quantities, so I'm not sure of the exact quantities for single or multiple cocktails. Just season to taste. Use the thickest tomato juice possible. I used to like Hunts but cannot find it anymore; just don't use the thin, runny stuff. Make sure to use Kosher salt - it has bigger crystals and looks better on the glass.
This recipe is damn near as good as The Ultimate Martini! I do guarantee you the Best Bloody Mary you have ever seen or tasted!
Cheers!
Shaken Not Stirred
"Shaken, not stirred" - James Bond 007
Can you really ‘bruise’ a spirit?
James Bond asks for his Vodka Martini shaken not stirred, but what difference does it make?
Drinking has many myths and sayings but one common debate revolves around the two questions posed above. Let’s start with the facts. No, you cannot ‘bruise’ a spirit by shaking it. This is most commonly applied to Gin, but is really a meaningless, though quaint phrase. What it may be trying to describe is the different effect shaking rather than stirring has on a Vodka or Gin Martini’s interaction with the ice. Shaking will provide the Martini with a greater amount of exposure to the ice thus chilling the drink more quickly. Stirring on the other hand is not as vigorous and is therefore a less swift way of achieving the same cold temperature. In addition, differing amounts of water will dilute the drink depending on how long it has been shaken or stirred with ice. If preparation time is a serious issue then this might make a shaken Martini the best choice. Well done, Mr. Bond!
However, there is another factor that should be considered. Shaking your Martini may have a serious drawback. The crystalline clarity that makes a Martini look so clean, crisp and sophisticated is lost. The shaking motion inundates the cocktail with many tiny bubbles, often producing undesirable cloudiness. What this means is a trade off between speed of preparation and appearance. Maybe we should be surprised that the stylish and sophisticated 007 would risk getting a cloudy Vodka Martini!
Cheers!
Around the Bar...
Thanks for dropping in for the Happy Hour festivities. Build yourself an Ultimate Martini (or two), kick back and take it easy.Funny stuff and stupid jokes are on the way.
Chief Wiggles has some new pics up with the Toy Drive featured! Go check it out!
Harvey is a not a FREAK today...yet!
Todays laugh your ass off Drinking Story is about Corn on the Cob. It's not what you think - yuk!
Venomous Kate cuts the cheese! Plus, she gives a great Martini recipe - Run Awaaaaaay!
Jennifer's Presidential Fun Fact of the day subject is Eleanor Roosevelt.
Today's is from the Shakespearean Insulter:
You do unbend your noble strength, to think so brainsickly of things.
Taken from: Macbeth
Viking Kittens want to take you to a gay bar.
Dumb Ass Cow Jokes
Did you hear about the snobby cow?
Did you hear that Canada sold the U.S. a large herd of bison?
Canada sent the U.S. a buffalo bill.
Did you know what the dairy maid at a chocolate factory does?
I milk chocolates!
Does running out of a burning barn make a cow unusual?
How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented?
How did that bullfight come out?
How did the calf s final exam turn out?
How did the cow feel when she couldn't give any milk?
How did the farmer find his lost cow?
How do bulls drive their cars?
Answers are in the comments section.
Today's Foreign Language Party Cookie is Armenian (click thru for the really good stuff)
Dmbo, Khmbo: idiot
Peranuht shoonuh kukneh: the dog should shit on you
Buhlo (BUL-lo): dick
Kuk oudelic shoon: shit eating dog
Vorig / vor: ass
Eem voriga bacheek doer: kiss my ass
Toon vor es: you are an ass
Cheers!
The Ultimate Martini
... As the Martini matured in popularity, its paternity was contested, giving rise to a second theory. Call this The Martinez Story. Citizens of Martinez, California, claimed that around 1870 a miner from San Francisco stopped his horse at Julio Richelieu's saloon on Ferry Street in Martinez for a bottle of whiskey. Richelieu was a young Frenchman who had come up from to Contra Costa County from New Orleans. The miner plunked a tobacco sack of gold nuggets on the bar near the weigh-scales and handed Richelieu a bottle. The bartender filled the container with whiskey from a large barrel, but the traveler said he wasn't quite satisfied. To make up the difference, Richelieu picked up a glass, mixed him a small drink, and dropped an olive in it. "What is it?" asked the miner. "That," replied Richelieu, "is a Martinez cocktail."
Richelieu left Martinez to operate barrooms in San Francisco, his last saloon being Lotta's Fountain on the corner of Kearny and Market. Richelieu served a Free Lunch and a number of gourmet cocktails, but the Martinez was his specialty in the 1880s. Although Richelieu didn't stake his claim with a bar manual, the town of Martinez still insists that it is the Birthplace of the Martini; in 1992, a zealous group installed a brass plaque on the corner of Alhambra and Masonic to declare this "fact."
Recipe:
Two ounces of premium brand Vokda / Gin.
Splash of Dry Vermouth.
Preparation:
Do not pour the vermouth over ice.
Chill the Martini glass by submerging glass into crushed ice.
Chill vodka over ice in mixing glass.
Pour chilled water / ice from Martini glass and quickly dry inside of glass.
Pour vermouth into Martini glass, swirl, pour out, shake remainer of vermouth from glass.
Strain vokda into stemmed Martini glass.
Presentation:
Spear three small stuffed olives and drop in glass to marinate.
When drinking a Martini, take a bit out of olive and a sip of Martini, chew, swirl, swallow.
Variations:
Dry Martini - delete verymouth and rub lemon twist, skin side out, around rim of glass.
Dirty Martini - add olive juice into chilling mixture, garnish blue Bleu Cheese stuffed olives.
Tequini - delete Vodka / Gin and substitute premium Gold Tequila, garnish with lime wheel.
Gibson - delete cocktail olives and substitute a spear of three cocktail onions.
Shaken or Stirred?
It's your decision, I like mine very cold, so shake it!
Update: The Dirty Martini will heretofore be known as The Venomous Martini.
Cheers!
» Snooze Button Dreams links with: The Bestofme Symphony, 1st edition
» Snooze Button Dreams links with: The Bestofme Symphony, 1st edition
Tuesday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast...
"Here is to the fools of the world...
without them, the rest of us could not succeed."
Bart's Prank CallsPhone call for Al...Al Coholic...is there an Al Coholic here?
Wait a minute...Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you! [Bart and Lisa laugh]
Moe Says: I don't like to toot my own horn...what the hell, sure I do. I won an Emmy Award! What the hell am I going to do with this? [places trophy in the cabinet under the back bar, behind the closed liquor bottles]
Harvey has some cabbage for the Tip Jar. Thank you, very much.
Are you ready for some football?
Tom at Tom's Nap Room rants about The Disgusting State of College Football. The disgust coming from overpriced seating, parking and attitude toward the fan. Basically it's about the corrupting influence of money on the game. I agree. Go check it out.
Phelps at The Everlasting Phelps has an excellent viewpoint, one that I happen to share, of the role coaches play in the development of young men. He highlights Coach Parcells and Coach Tom Landry. A good read.
You can't have too many friends like Serenity.
Have you ever wondered what happens when an easily resisted force meets an easily moved object? Someone has. Frank Answers.
Homer: D'oh!
I really like the look of Candy Universe. Outstanding graphics and design. Awesome photo, too! One of the prettiest sites on the web. Eye Candy!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Around the Bar...
Thanks for dropping in for the Happy Hour festivities. Kick back, grab a cold beer. Funny stuff and stupid jokes galore to follow.
Remember - this is a bar, not Sunday School.
Todays laugh your ass off Drinking Story is about an answering machine.
Serenity can't sit outside on our patio, she has to sit inside so the mosquitos don't get her. But, someone tell her to leave the gecko at home - We don't need no stinkin' lizards!
Jennifer's Presidential Fun Fact of the Day subject is Eleanor Roosevelt. Don't mess with her, she'll blow you away!
Please feel free to wield these Troll Bashing Clue Bats on any resident trolls. If these are too nice for your particular troll, call me an I'll come over and wipe that son-of-a-bitch out for you!
Today's is from the Shakespearean Insulter:There's no room for faith, truth, nor honesty in this bosom of thine. It is all filled up with guts and midriff!
aaaaaand weeeeeeeee!.
Squirrels, monkeys, thug gangsters, really bad words, gonads & strife...
Dumb Ass Elephant Jokes
What do you do if you find a blue elephant ?
Why did the elephant jump in the lake when it began to rain ?
What is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old ?
What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail ?
What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant ?
How do you hire an elephant ?
What steps would you take if you were being chased by an elephant ?
What is stronger an elephant or a snail ?
What do you do with old cannon balls ?
What do you find in an elephants graveyard ?
Why do elephants have wrinkly ankes ?
Answers are in the comments section.
Jennifer also graces us with a Useless Word Fact. Today we are enlightened with the origins of the word Jeep.
Today's Foreign Language is Greek:
fila mou to kolo: kiss my ass
as to thialo: go to hell
vlaca: stupid, moron
segrafa sta archidia-mu: bullshit
psoli: dick
poutsokefalo: dick head
tsimbouki: blow job
Cheers!
Hangover - Part I
So you wanna cure a hangover? I found this article a few months ago, and want to share it with you, while giving the appropriate credit the anonymous author(s) at soyouwanna.com
This article has five different sections:
1. Understand what alcohol does to your body.
2. Prepare for the night out.
3. Know what to do while you're drinking.
4. Survive the morning after.
5. Quaff our ultimate hangover cure.
Part of being young is being stupid, and anyone who tells you that he or she has never gotten drunk is either lying, boring, a Mormon, or some combination thereof. But just because so many people get drunk doesn't make it OK. A recent survey found that 3 out of every 5 college students have engaged in binge drinking. Binge drinking completely thrashes your liver and kidneys, not to mention puts you at risk of death via alcohol overdose. But you don't need us lecturing at you... you know that massive drinking is bad. How do you know? Because your mother tells you - no, not Mother Goose... Mother Nature.
A nasty hangover is Mother Nature's way of telling you, "Fool, I thought I told you not to drink so much. Now you gonna pay." (Don't ask us why Mother Nature sounds like Mr. T.) Hangovers can completely incapacitate you, giving you an upset stomach, a huge headache, a gross-tasting mouth, and a guilty conscience. So what we've constructed for you are some tips for easing the pain and curing that hangover. We only expect you to use this article once. If you find that you need our help to cure your hangovers every weekend (no matter how happy all those page views will make us), we insist that you contact Alcoholics Anonymous right away. People (especially those in their 20s) usually revel in binge drinking, but it really can be life-threatening.
Understand What Alcohol Does To Your Body
They don't call it intoxication for nothing. Happy juice is poisonous. Put enough of it into your body and you die. What concerns us here, however, is not so much alcohol itself (which we'll take as a given) but the by-products of alcohol, and especially one particularly nasty chemical critter by the name of acetaldehyde. It's got a lot more of the bad kind of kapow, and the latest research suggests that it may be responsible for the worst of your hangover.
Symptoms
After you ingest alcohol, your body breaks it down into (among other things) acetaldehyde, before converting it into less harmful substances. The acetaldehyde messes with your brain at the same time as a host of depleted minerals are short-circuiting your nervous system, and that's in addition to low blood sugar and the classic headache-and-dry-mouth symptoms caused by dehydration. The result: nausea, twitchy nerves, unpleasantness, pessimism, terrible brain pain, and a temporary suspension of the laws of gravity.
The severity of a hangover varies according to . . .
- The amount you've guzzled in a given period of time
Your own innate enzymatic capacity to deal with the poisons
Your age
Translation: the more you drink in a short amount of time, the more you'll feel the alcohol. One's weight is also a factor (the less you weigh, the more you'll feel it), as is a genetic predisposition. Finally, the older you get, the more you'll feel the alcohol the next morning. (I was wondering about about. I used to drink like a fish during my college days and never have half the hangover I do now-a-days...The Bartender.)
Prepare for the night out: Coming tomorrow night.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Harvey Wallbanger
Today's recipe from the The Professional Mixologist Recipe Guide is the Harvey Wallbanger:
"This drink became popular in the 70's. I have two accounts both originating in California. One is that Bill Doner, while tending bar in a place named The Office in Newport Beach, created it. The other is that a surfer named Harvey liked his screwdrivers spiked with Galliano & after a hard day, had one too many & walked into a wall."
- Ingredients:
1 1/4 oz. Vodka
Orange juice
Splash of Galliano
Pour Vodka & Orange juice over ice in a tall or Collins glass.
Float Galliano over the top.
I give this drink a Thumbs Down! This is a drink for wienies!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Evil Glenn's Tattoo
What does Evil Glenn's tattoo look like and where is it? The Alliance wants to know. Harvey tells a sordid tale of drinking mass quantities of beer, robot dancing, and tattoos. It seems that Blackfive was out drinking with Evil Glenn and blacked out. How did he find out about Glenn's tattoo? I hope Matt's butt isn't sore!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Around the Bar...
As usual, Frank J has upped the ante for all humor bloggers. This time he has TWO posts on Aunold. Smear Tactics Gone Wild lists the Top 10 smears against Arnold. In My World: Total Recall 2. This Time It's Personal is Frank's take on the California recall election.
I know, I know, I know. I said No Politics on this site. But you just can't pass on Frank's hilarious satire on all things political. Now, let me rephrase that... No Political Discussions Here! (Except for Frank J)
Emperor Misha I from The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler has some competiting for Ruler of the World. It seems Caption Electro has designs of his own. Follow the linkage to this funny as hell site (I wish I could write like that myself). Be sure to read the comments on Misha's post for my Call To Arms for Misha's Minionsâ„¢ to overthrow this evil pretender to the throne.
Harvey from Bad Money has some dinero for The Bartender's Tip Jarâ„¢. Gracias, Senore.
Matt from Blackfive has The Blogger Drinking Game developed. You may remember that I made a suggestion to him (actually, he probably had already thought of it before) regarding drinking games for his theme last week. Oh well, at least I got a Drinky Linkâ„¢ out of the deal. It also gave me an idea to develope on my own and a subject and links for another post. Good Job, Matt. I raise my glass in a toast to the Blackfive!! Cheers!
Go check out the Monday Night Parrot at Modular Parrot. It's a hoot...no wait, that's an owl. What sounds do a parrot make? (Bedsides Polly want a cracker...Asshole)
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Around the Bar...
Thanks for dropping in for Happy Hour this afternoon. Kick back, grab a cold brewski. I'll show ya some funny stuff and tell a stupid joke or two.
Remember - this is a bar, not Sunday School.
Harvey at Bad Money is a FREAK!
Jennifer's Presidential Fun Fact of the Day is Lou Henry Hoover.
Food for Thought - an an e-mail forwarded from my mom
Jerry's Thought for the Day!
If "infancy" is a requirement for infants; then is "adultery" a requirement for adults?
Who the hell is Jerry and why does his mind work like this...
Today's quote from the Shakespearean Insulter:
[Thou art] a flesh monger, a fool, and a coward.
Taken from: Measure for Measure
Badgers? We don't need no stinkin' badgers!
Check out this goofy flash movie.
Now... Just try to get that song out of your head! Mwahaha...
Since I spoke about the titty dancers in an earlier post here are some boobies:
Warning: R-rated pics of double-breasted mattress thrashers!
Robyn is running the Blogger Boobie Thon 2003. Proceeds benefit the Susan B Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Right now there are 68 bloggerette contestants (and a couple of guys too - what's up with that?), and 109 donors who have given over $4,700. A good cause and nice browsing while your just sitting there. I like the girl with the ribbons on her nipples - NICE!
Speaking if strippers, check out this peckerhead cop trying to barter nude dances to "fix" a dancer's tainted driving record. What an dumbass!
Dumb Ass Aardvark Jokes
Who loves hamburgers, French fries, and ants?
What is uglier than an aardvark?
What does the aardvark call his dog?
What is the difference between an aardvark and a coyote?
What does an aardvark take for ant-digestion?
What does an aardvark get when he overeats?
What does an aardvark keep in his aquarium?
Who's the aardvark's favorite female vocalist?
Who's aardvark's favorite male singer?
What are the aardvark's favorite Beatle's songs?
Answers are in the comments section.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Monday Nights
Monday night in the bar business is of the Worst.Night.Ever variety. I don't vare what you tried to do, you never ran squat for money on Monday nights. Hell, in one of the giant dance halls, your over-head just to turn the lights on could run up to between $1,200 and $2,000. Take your rent, portion of the electrical bill, pro rata for the management salaries and BAM! there you are.
I don't care what you tried to do, it just wouldn't work. If you worked a Big Dance Hall, it just took too many people to make it look like anyone was there. For instance, your Occupational Capacity is rated at 1,750 people. Well, until there are 1,000 bodies in the room, you don't have any energy. One place I worked, who prided themself for being open every night, even built a false curtain wall to try to shrink the room. Nice try - no cigar.
Next, if you wanted to drive any traffic, you had to prostitute your price structure - think deep discounting of the 1.00 U-Call-It variety. Nope. Nada.
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
New Blog Showcase
As part of my duties as a member of The Blogger Alliance, I must vote in the New Blog Showcase each week. Maybe I can get in the contest here pretty soon. I just need to get a couple of really far out, cool, spiffy... posts.
I'm voting for Tom's Nap Room post "Eliminate all Turnpikes"
He talks about the confiscatory prices gas stations, fast food, novelty stores, etc charge on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. I know what he means. I used to fly in and out of DFW airport all the time and it was the same thing at the gas station right before the toll booths. They just beat you up because they have a captive audience. I know that overhead is higher because of the lease rates, but product and labor related costs are the same as they are for all the rest of the chain stores. So what makes them think they can get away with bending you over the barrell? Jerks!! I'm gonna take my toys and go somewhere else.
Sshh.. Makes me so mad, I'm thirsty. Gotta go get a cold one to settle down!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Dumb Ass Jokes
You how you go into a bar before the crowd gets there, and your sittin up at the bar, pullin your pud with no one to talk to? So, you ask the bartender if he knows any good jokes.
Well, me and my buddy GoatHead used to tell these absolutely, positively, horrible one-liner jokes. They were soooo bad that no one ever laughed at the jokes, they were always laughing at us laughing at how stupid the jokes were. I'm cracking myself up just thinking about it! [sittin here, laughing my ass off...] I mean, you should have seen people's faces - they were like "What the fuck?" This would go on and on until they either couldn't stand to hear another joke, or we couldn't stand up to tell another one. Then, we just waited for the next sucker to pull up a barstool and ask for funnies.
Funny to me.
Here is this week's edition of really Dumbass Bar Jokes™. Enjoy!
Q What did the soap give to his fiancé?
A A bathtub ring
Q What do you call soap on a trapeze?
A Soap on a rope
Q Why did the comedian bring soap to his show?
A He was trying to clean up his act
Q Why did the burglar have soap in his pocket?
A He wanted to make a clean getaway
Now, I can't give you all the pretzels at one time, ya know. Tune in next week - Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel!
Cheers!
Moe's Martini Recipes
Harvey over at Bad Money gives my favorite cartoon bartender, Moe Syzslak, Martini recipes and names for the cast of The Simpsons. (Is there another cartoon bartender? Inquiring minds want to know.)
My recommendations for Moe were:
Willie-tini: substitute Jamesons Irish Whiskey, garnish w/ potato peel, rip shirt off and say "Now grease me up, woman."
Patty/Selma-tini: double standard recipe in tall glass, served with pack of cigarettes
BumbleBee Guy-tini: substitute Tequila, add dash of salt, lime juice, and lime wedge ... Hey that's a Margarita, D'oh
My favorite Martini recipe was from Mike the Marine:
Moe-tini: served on fire... at double the cost
Scroll down the comments to see the rest. A couple of them look pretty tasty - might have to try them out at the First Annual Madfish Willie's Martini Party.
Cheers!
About Madfish Willie
I worked in the nightclub and restaurant business for right at 20 years. I started at the bottom and worked my way up. I worked as a part time-doorman, barback, bartender, Bar Manager, Assistant Manager, General Manager, Area Supervisor, Quality Control (IG) Inspector, and Director of Operations. I worked in 1,500 sq ft neighbohood joints with jukebox entertainment, mid-size clubs with recorded music and dancing, 25,000 sq ft Country Western Dance Halls with racetrack style dance-floors, and 40,000 sq ft multi-concept Entertainment Complexes with live music. I've booked all types of live music with my favorite being the Classic Concert Series with old rock bands still touring the nightclub circuits. I worked in a Cajun Cafe many of you have probably heard of and possibly eaten at, if you are in a major metropolitan area in Texas. Hell, you've probably been in one of my nightclubs if you are over 25 - might have even seen each other!
I ran every kind of promotion under the sun trying to increase traffic counts and sales. I want to incorporate some of those promotional into this blog to keep it entertaining and fresh, but more about that later.
Primarily, I want this blog to be like dropping in at the corner bar for a couple of cold ones on the way home. I have some ideas on how I want to acheive that atmosphere. I'll talk about drinking, throwing up, beer, whiskey, movies, music, beer, other bars & restaurants, sports, tv (because I want to), beer, tell some jokes, and finally... more beer. Two things we won't talk about, just like two things we don't talk about in bars: Religion & Politics. Starts a fight every time. Besides there are plenty of other places you can discuss those topics, starting with the links on my sidebar. I will also talk about Yellow Dog and Harold (Hey, this is my site) and maybe some cool guy stuff like power tools and cars and stuff.
I have some ideas for weekly satire, trivia contests, holiday parties and pics, and maybe some fund-raising benefits. If you have anything you'd like to see, let me know. If I like it and it doesn't cost too much, we'll do it. After all, you are The Customer!
Wish me luck on my new journey and drop by for some Beers and Bullshittin'â„¢!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Thanks
BIG THANKS to Harvey at Bad Money for his encouragement, direction and assistance.
Thanks to Matt at Blackfive for ideas to blog about stemming from one of his weekly blogging themes - Drinking, even though this will come as complete surprize to him.
Thanks to Emperor Misha I at The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler for anointing me the Imperial Tender of Bars. And thanks to his formidable empire of Loyal Citizens for giving me the confidence that I have the ability to write semi-coherent sentences and clearly communicate a thought - although the jury is still out on the last part of that.
Thanks to Lord Spatula I, King and Tyrant at Spatula City for teaching me cragerization, how to flame trolls, and just generally being a mean, funny suminabatch.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »My First Link!
Have you ever won award unexpectedly or read your name in print for something you had done? Remember what that felt like - kinda hard to describe it, but you sure miss the feeling, right?
Well, I was surfing around the blogosphere tonight and all I'm over at Blackfive, The Paratrooper of Love's place and I glance down the page for new posts and there was a post title of New Blogger on the Loose. Well, I started through the post to check out who it was, and hot damn! whatta ya know - he's talking about me! He had posted a tailgate Martini recipe early in the week and being the Professional Mixologist™ that I am, I had to ching-a-ling his recipe out a little.
Matt's Drinking theme for this week really gave me some good ideas for a blog, so I e-mail him some suggestions for his site. Just some goofy stuff off the top of my head. Anyway, he e-mailed me back and suggested I start my own blog - so you can blame Matt for all the abuse about to be unleashed on an unsuspecting public.
Well, I'm gonna go build me a giant Martini (a Blackfive Tailgate Special) and pour it into a big ol' plastic cup while I watch SportsCenter and NFL Prime Time! In the mean time, I'll just be struttin around the room like a banty rooster.
-
Vodka Martini
Two ounces of Vokda (Absolut preferred here).
Splash of Dry Vermouth.
Do not pour the vermouth over ice.
Chill the Martini glass (and only use the classic Martini glass).
Chill vodka over ice in mixing glass.
Pour chilled water / ice from Martini glass and dry inside of glass.
Pour vermouth into Martini glass, swirl, pour out, shake remainer of vermouth from glass.
Strain vokda into Martini glass.
Spear three small stuffed olives and drop in glass to marinate.
When drinking a Martini, take a bit out of olive and a sip of Martini, chew, swirl, swallow.
The above recipe is from The Professional Mixologist Recipe Guide™
Go Cubbies!
Matt's a Chicago fan, I'm assuming he's from there or lives there now. Is this the year, Matt? They have some damn fine starting pitching and if they can put up a little run support, it could be!
Cheers!
Friday Happy Hour
FILTHY LIES: HAPPY HOUR MADNESS
FILTHY LIES: THE BEER STORE CAPER
FILTHY LIES - THE TITTY BAR DEBACLE
FILTHY LIES - PICKING UP THE PIECES
FILTHY LIES: THE INSTAPUNDIT TAGLINE ASSIGNMENT - PART I
FILTHY LIES: THE INSTAPUNDIT TAGLINE ASSIGNMENT - PART II
PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR: AWARDING MICHAEL MOORE
FILTHY LIES: PUPPY JOKES BY EVIL GLENN
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »My First Post
Woohoo!
The lease papers are signed.
The keys to the building are in my hands.
The construction crew is here.
Let's open this baby up and get to work!
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Bullshit so far »Disclaimer
Madfish Willie's web site and newsletters from Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon are intended to share with readers information of interest to Madfish Willie, including assinine and unfounded opinions of others. It is not intended to offer specific mental health advice or act as a substitute for Alocoholics Anonomous. Opinions, products, or services mentioned herein are not necessarily endorsed by the Madfish Willie or Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon.
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Bullshit so far »
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Great Banner!
The Halloween one's nice, too...
Susie bullshitted on October 30, 2003 at 07:59 PM