Did You Know Madfish Willie Used To Be A Farmer?
All true.
Here's one of his home videos.
Bullshit so far »Taste
Ms. Anderson's 1st grade class has been learning about the senses. This day, they are learning about "Taste." She tells them that she's going to have them close their eyes and open their mouths. She'll put something in their mouth, and they have to tell her what it is guessing by the taste.
Tommy is the first up. He closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and she places a chocolate kiss in his mouth. He samples it, but can't tell what it is for sure. Ms. Anderson decides to give him a hint... "It's what your daddy asks your mommy for before he leaves for work..."
From the back of the class, little Susie screams, "Ewwwwwww, spit it out!!! It's a piece of ass!!!"
Bullshit so far »Herbey New Year
Herbey at 2005 New Years Eve party...
Remember... don't drink and puke!!
Bullshit so far »Video Killed the Radio Star
Answer to the trivia question, "What was the first video played on MTV?"
I'm guessing it was NOTHING like this version.
Which is just fucking weird... but kinda fun...
...in a "recalling pop-culture references" kinda way.
Bullshit so far »WrOnG AppRoAcH
Mudfish Willie and phin are out drinking one night when Mudfish turns to phin and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after I've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
phin looks at Mudfish and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY??" .... and she acts like she's asleep every time."
Why?
Why is cum white but piss is yellow?
(click "Last Call")
Bullshit so far »
Dear Santa...
Already, Santa is getting letters for next year...
Merpy Christ-kwanza-hana-ramada-mas!
Merry Christmas from YellowDog!
Season's Greetings from PipEye!
Bullshit so far »
Cherry Mistmas
[Shamelessly stolen from babalu]
Cookie Recipe
1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, Try another cup...just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS
[Since I stole his post, please go over and read Wiwichu a Merri Cri'ma]
Bullshit so far »Surprised It Didn't Happen Sooner
Completely tasteless.
Heh.
Bullshit so far »Christmas Traditions
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree
Bullshit so far »Christmas... Badger Style!
Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa...
Presents, Presents...
Madfish Willie's Toys For Tots
Go here & see what else is under the Bartender's Christmas tree.
Bullshit so far »Merpy Chistkwanzaahanamas!
Subject: The Christmas Party
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 1 October 2005
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon, in the private function room at the Grill
House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols ....... feel free to sing along!
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no
gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special
announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 2 October 2005
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation
Day.
There will be no Christmas tree present, No Christmas carols sung. We will
have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 3 October 2005
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table................ you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
handle this?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the
union members feel that $10 is too much money and executives believe $10 is
a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4 October 2005
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of the year does
not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can
hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package
everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that
work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower
arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross-dress, no cross-dressing allowed
though.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available
for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food, we
suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No
sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All fucking Employees
DATE: 5 October 2005
RE: The fucking Holiday Party
Vegetarian assholes I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at
the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it,
and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you
know, tomatoes have feelings too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream
right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 October 2005
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and
I'll continue to forward your cards to her
In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
No Christmas This Year...
Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
"Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of 'Thanks, Santa'--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of you yo yo's--No request for them! ,
They want computers and robots..they think--I'm IBM !
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimney's and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I"ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year,
now you know the reason,
I found me a redhead.
I'm going SOUTH for the season!"
Waiting For A Fax
The other day, Phin walked into Madfish Willie's and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing on the back of his hand as if it's a telephone. He then flips his hand over and starts talking into his palm. I walked over and tell Phinn "This a tough neighborhood and I doesn't need any trouble from weirdos."
"You don't understand," Phin says. "I'm very high tech. I've had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying a cell."
"Prove it!"
So Phin dials up a number and presents his hand to me. I talked into the hand and carried on a brief conversation.
"That's incredible," I said. "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah," says Phin. "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"
I directed him to the men's room. Phin goes in and five, ten, twenty minutes go by. Fearing the worst given the violence in the neighborhood, I went into the men's room. Phinn is spread-eagled against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.
"Oh my god!" says I. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?"
Phin casually turns around and says, "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."
Bullshit so far »Madfish Willie Can't Read This
Can you?
Bullshit so far »You People Complain Too Much
"Anybody got a light?"
"Why doesn't this dump have internet access?"
"Where the hell am I supposed to set my beer glass?"
This should solve ALL those problems.
Bullshit so far »Canadian Club
A baby seal walked into a bar and sat down.
"What can I get you?" asked the bartender.
The baby seal said: "Anything but a Canadian Club."
Bullshit so far »A teapot
Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer..
When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot. Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary , you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
Bullshit so far »Dumb Ass Phin!
Phin was sitting quietly at the bar when Mudfish Billie presented him with a riddle. "My mother had a child. It wasn't my brother, and it wasn't my sister. Who was it?" Phin thought for a minute but then gave up. "It was me, you idiot!" exclaimed Mudfish Billie triumphantly.
Phin thought it was a good trick and decided to play it on his wife when he got home. He announced: "My mother had a child. It wasn't my brother, and it wasn't my sister. Who was it?" His wife looked at him blankly and gave up. "It was Mudfish Billie down at Blender's you idiot!"
Bullshit so far »Before it starts
Madfish came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his life partner wife "roommate", Herby, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts!"
Herby looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When Madfish finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer." "It's gonna start." This time Herby looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, Madfish said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" Herby blows his top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
Madfish sighed. "Oh shit, it started !!!!!!
Bullshit so far »Thoughts On Drinking
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster, and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
[Hat tip: VW Bug of One Happy Dog Speaks]
Bullshit so far »Gratuitous French Bashing
No real reason for posting this, other than it's all true:
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
Mark Twain.
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
General George S. Patton.
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
Marge Simpson
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" Jacques Chirac, President of France "As far as France is concerned, you're right."
Rush Limbaugh,
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
Regis Philbin.
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I don't know."
P.J O'Rourke (1989).
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona.
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
Conan O'Brien
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France either"
Jay Leno.
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
David Letterman
Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.
Ted Nugent.
War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II.
"The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.'"
Tom Brokaw.
"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"
Dennis Miller.
"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us."
Alan Kent
"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."
Argus Hamilton
"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'"
Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)
"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq."
Dennis Miller
Raise your right hand if you like the French ... raise both hands if you are French.
Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII? A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?
"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried."
Rep. R. Blount (MO)
"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining."
John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.
The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists
Bullshit so far »VE HAV VAYS TO MAKE YOU TOC
A man brings his clock to a German clock repairman and complains: "It doesn't go tic-toc, tic-toc; it just goes 'tic-tic-tic’."
The clock repairman puts in his monocle and glares at the clock: "Ve hav vays to make you toc..."
[Stolen from National Review Online]
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Hey... this tastes like shit!
Madfish Willie bullshitted on December 31, 2005 at 01:56 PM