Thursday July 10, 2008

Best Beer Commericals 21-30

Okay, I'm too lazy to check if Harvey already posted this. If he did, I'll remove it. Eventually.

Bullshit so far »

Wednesday January 16, 2008

Friday October 26, 2007

Wednesday October 03, 2007

Monday September 10, 2007

Best Beer Commercials #17

Budweiser Honors 9/11

Bullshit so far »

Sunday September 09, 2007

Wednesday August 22, 2007

Best Beer Commercials #15

Bullshit so far »

Wednesday August 15, 2007

Wednesday August 08, 2007

Best Beer Commercials #13

What can I say? I have a weakness for the classics.

Bullshit so far »

Wednesday August 01, 2007

Best Beer Commercials #12

Apparently Canadians start getting delusions of adequacy when they've been drinking too much of their pisswater beer.

Bullshit so far »

Tuesday July 24, 2007

Wednesday July 18, 2007

Best Beer Commercials #10

Kind of a three-fer on this one.

I can definitely relate to part 2.

Bullshit so far »

Tuesday July 10, 2007

Harv and the Monkey

A guy is sitting in a pub, when he notices a monkey sitting at the other end of the rail, drinking beer. The guy watches as the monkey finishes the beer and then motions towards the chips on the wall. The bartender hands the monkey another beer and a bag of chips. In a little while, the monkey motions to the bartender again, this time pointing behind the bar. The bartender walks over and hands the monkey a banana.

The guy watches and makes the comment about the monkey being pretty special. The bartender laughs and says, "You think that's special? Check this out...", and pulls a 2 x 4 from under the bar. He lifts the board overhead and looks at the monkey. The monkey shrugs, and takes a swig of beer, only to have the bartender smack him atop the head with the 2 x 4.

The monkey shrieks in pain, runs over and pulls the bartender's schwanz out of his pants, and begins to give him the most intense blowjob that anyone present has ever witnessed. After the monkey finishes, he takes his seat atop his barstool, and resumes drinking beer.

The guy is impressed, as well as the other patrons of the bar. The bartender grins, holds out the 2 x 4, and says, "Anyone else want to give it a shot?"

Harvey, who's witnessed the whole thing, says, " Hell, yeah. Just don't hit me that hard..."

Bullshit so far »

Tuesday July 03, 2007

Wednesday June 27, 2007

Best Beer Commercials #7

or #10, depending on how you count.

Bullshit so far »

Friday June 22, 2007

Still one more beer commercial

Quite possibly the biggest beer commercial ever

Bullshit so far »

Thursday June 21, 2007

One more beer commercial

Actually, the beer in question is only okay, but a friend of mine bought a "Bring Me A Bierbitzch" t-shirt for his wife. She wears it proudly.

Bullshit so far »

I'll raise you 6 best beer commercials, and raise you one more

Bullshit so far »

Wednesday June 20, 2007

Best Beer Commercials #6

Bullshit so far »

Wednesday June 13, 2007

Wednesday June 06, 2007

Wednesday May 30, 2007

Tuesday May 22, 2007

Wednesday May 16, 2007

Tuesday May 08, 2007

Top Ten Signs You Have Purchased a Bad Beer

10. TV Ads Begin "From the sparkling waters of Lake Erie. . ."

9. The second you take a sip, your liver explodes

8. For some reason, it's sold in the detergent aisle

7. It was actually brewed by Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams

6. Instead of a wagon pulled by Clydesdales, beer company has a wheelbarrow pushed by a doped-up monkey

5. The company isn't running any sort of sweepstakes, but the underside of the bottle caps all say "Sorry"

4. Tastes more like a mountain goat than a mountain stream

3. Picture on label is of a guy throwing up

2. Your girlfriend announces she's leaving you for Billy Dee Williams

1. When you crack a couple open on a fishing trip and say, "It doesn't get any better than this," your buddies kill themselves

Bullshit so far »

Wednesday May 02, 2007

Top Ten Signs You Drank Too Much This Weekend

10. You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping -- with your Oldsmobile.

9. Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.

8. For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.

7. You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

6. Absolut wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

5. Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's VomitMan!"

4. The doorman asks for your ID just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.

3. Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

2. Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.

1. You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

Bullshit so far »

Tuesday April 24, 2007

Verbal Challenges For Drunks

Things That Are Difficult to Say When Drunk:






Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When Drunk:

British Constitution



Passive-aggressive disorder


Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When Drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

Nope, no more booze for me.

Sorry, but you're not really my type.

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

You're right; I can't jump over that table.

Bullshit so far »

Tuesday April 17, 2007

37 Signs That You're Too Drunk

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Job interfering with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence???

9. Two hands and just one mouth - now THAT's a drinking problem!

10. You can focus better with one eye closed.

11. The parking lot seems to have moved when you were in the bar.

12. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

13. You fall off the floor...

14. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

15. "Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!"

16. The glass keeps missing your mouth.

17. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.

18. Vampires and mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

19. At AA meetings you begin with: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

20. Your idea of cutting back means less salt.

21. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

22. The whole bar says "HI!" when you come in.

23. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

24. "Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."

25. "I'm not drunk, you're just sober"

26. Roseanne looks good.

27. You don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.

28. "That damned pink elephant followed me home again."

29. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

30. "I'm as jober as a sudge."

31. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

32. You've fallen and you can't get up.

33. When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.

34. "Beertender! Get me another bar!"

35. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

36. Your name is Ted Kennedy.

37. Foster Brooks appears sober to you.

Bullshit so far »

Wednesday April 11, 2007

53 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women

1. You can enjoy a beer all night long.

2. Beer stains wash out.

3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.

4. A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.

5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.

6. Beer is never late.

7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

8. Hangovers go away.

9. Beer labels come off without a fight.

10. When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.

11. Beer never has a headache.

12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.

13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.

14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.

15. A beer goes down easy.

16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.

17. You can share a beer with your friends.

18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.

19. Beer is always wet.

20. Beer doesn't demand equality.

21. You can have a beer in public.

22. A beer doesn't care when you come.

23. A frigid beer is a good beer.

24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.

26. You can't catch social diseases from a beer.

27. When you're interrupted by a beer it's for a good reason.

28. A beer is always satisfying.

29. A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.

30. A beer won't tell you its pregnant for fun.

31. A beer does not come with in-laws.

32. No matter what the package, a beer still looks good.

33. To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box.

34. All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak.

35. Beer doesn't complain about farting.

36. The only thing a beer tells you is when its time to go to the bathroom.

37. You are never embarrassed about the beer you bring to a party.

38. Its okay to leave a party with a different beer than the one you brought.

39. Beer won't drive you to drink.

40. You can shoot a beer.

41. A beer chaser is easier to catch.

42. You don't need a license to live with a beer.

43. A tree is good enough for a beer.

44. Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.

45. Beer doesn't care how much you earn.

46. Beer and "ice" don't mix.

47. Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation--it goes along happily.

48. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.

49. Beer is happy to ride in the trunk of your car.

50. You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning.

51. Beer never complains about a wet spot.

52. You can put all your old beers together in one room and they won't fight.

53. A beer doesn't bleed one week out of the month.

Bullshit so far »

Wednesday April 04, 2007

Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Religion

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

Bullshit so far »

Tuesday March 27, 2007

Norm Quotes from "Cheers"

SAM: "What's new, Normie?"
NORM: "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

SAM: "What'd you like, Normie?"
NORM: "A reason to live. Give me another beer."

SAM: "What'll you have Normie?"
NORM: "Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
SAM: "Looks like beer, Norm."
NORM: "Call me Mister Lucky."

WOODY: "What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

WOODY: "Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
NORM: "I know. If she calls, I'm not here."

SAM: "Beer, Norm?"
NORM: "Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

WOODY: "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "Poor."
WOODY: "I'm sorry to hear that."
NORM: "No, I mean pour."

SAM: "What's going down, Normie?"
NORM: "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

WOODY: "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "All right, but stop me at one. Make that one-thirty."

SAM: "What's the story, Norm?"
NORM: "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

WOODY: "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."

WOODY: "Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
NORM: "A little early isn't it, Woody?"
WOODY: "For a beer?"
NORM: "No, for stupid questions."

Bullshit so far »

Tuesday March 20, 2007

Judging a Woman By Her Drink

PERSONALITY: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
YOUR APPROACH: Challenge her to a game of pool.

DRINK: Blender Drinks
PERSONALITY: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
YOUR APPROACH: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

DRINK: Mixed Drinks
PERSONALITY: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
YOUR APPROACH: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

DRINK: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
PERSONALITY: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
YOUR APPROACH: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

DRINK: White Zin
PERSONALITY: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
YOUR APPROACH: Make her feel smarter than she is...

DRINK: Shots
PERSONALITY: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
YOUR APPROACH: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

Bullshit so far »

Tuesday March 13, 2007

Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

Bullshit so far »

Tuesday March 06, 2007

25 Reasons to Serve Beer At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

18. Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a couple of drinks.

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.

22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.

23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross"

25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

Bullshit so far »