Detroit Fleas

Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Texas for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Texas, he's all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near froze to death!

The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you? "The first flea says, "I rode down here from Warren in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the Metro Airport Bar. Have a few drinks. While you're there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next Winter. A year goes by. When the first flea shows up in Texas, he is all blue and shivering and shaking again. Damn near froze to death!

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?" "Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the Metro Airport Bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of that guy on the Harley!"

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on August 14 :: Permalink :: Comments (0)

Fistful of Penis

OK... time for a movie penis thread... in the comments, take a movie title and substitute the word penis for a word in the title... do not repeat a previous penis movie tile... you are only allowed ONE penis movie title per post as we are aiming for the Blogger World Record for comments on a post...

I'll kick it off with a couple so you know what to do!

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on August 13 :: Permalink :: Comments (1633) :: Funny Stuff
» basil's blog links with: Brunch: 8/14/05
» Don Surber links with: Penis Mightier Than The Sword
» NIF links with: Sorcerer of Wonkavator
» The LLama Butchers links with: An interesting topic
» The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler links with: And Now For Something Very Much Different...
» MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy links with: Party at Madfish Willie's
» Who Tends the Fires links with: Putting the "Willie" in Madfish Willie's
» Armies of Liberation links with: An Expanding Phenomenon
» It' links with:
» Bad Example links with: WHAT'S THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY?

If Dear Abby were a man...

An oldie, but it still makes me laugh.

Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.

A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior-And it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, cooking him a nice meal and not mentioning his behavior.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should-he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, cooking a nice meal and not mentioning this behavior.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Bullshit so far »

» by Physics Geek on August 12 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Jokes

The Madfish Willie Home Security System

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,

Big Jim, Duke, Slim and I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on August 10 :: Permalink :: Comments (2)

Drunk Fuckers Babbling About Cats

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on your computer."
--Bruce Graham

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
--Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
--English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
--Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another."
--Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
--Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
--Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life."
--Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
--Hippolyte Taine

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me."

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
--Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
--Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."

"Time spent with cats is never wasted."

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."
--Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."
--Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
-Joseph Wood Krutch

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."

"My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on August 8 :: Permalink :: Comments (0)

Question For You Drunks Out There

What must you do?

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

If you do not know, see extended entry.

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on August 1 :: Permalink :: Comments (0)