Cheating President

Bill and Hilary Clinton were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 40 years of marriage Hilary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was really curious as to why.

That evening while they were out for a special dinner Hilary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under the bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why you keep the cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth.Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hilary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all these years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not bad considering the years we've been together."

A little while later Hilary asked Bill "Why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box got full of cans, I cashed them in."

Blondes Beer

A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer." The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"

Little Johhny's Letter To Santa

Little Johnny's mother was cleaning one weekend and found this letter that he had sent to Santa the previous year, when they were living in California:

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year, not only was I the first in my class but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there were no kid in the neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!

What balls you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a lame ass whistle and a pair of socks! What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you'd taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the damn tree.

As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little shithead across the street so many fucking toys, that he can't even walk into his damn house! Please don't let me see you trying to fit your huge ass down my chimney next year! I'll fuck you up! I'll throw rocks at those corny ass reindeers of yours and scare them the fuck away, so you'll have to walk your big fat ass back to the north pole, just like I have to do since you didn't get me that fucking bike, you punk bastard!! You know what Santa, Fuck You!! Next year you'll find out how bad I can really fucking be!

So watch your back next year, Beeyaaaaatch!!!!

Sincerely,

Johnny

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!", and she pushed him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

Two-Story House

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"

The Terrible Storm

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman.

Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"

Eagerly, she shakes her head, Yes!

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."

Backwards Nurse

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.", said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Herbey Sucks!

hehehe... Herbey sucks!

[NSFW]

Christmas Pussy

Hee's a little pussy for Herbey at Christmas...

The Poopie List

Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the poop come out, but there is no poop in the toilet.

Clean Poopie
The kind where you poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you won't ruin them with a skid mark.

Second Wave Poopie
This happens when you're done Pooping and you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poop some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Gassy Poopie
It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.

Drinker Poopie
The kind of Poop you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poop that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Corn Poopie
Self-explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie*
The kind where you want to Poop but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie
That's where it hurts so bad coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie**
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie
It smells so bad your nose burns.

The Surprise Poopie
You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops.......a Poop!!!

The Dangling Poopie
This Poop refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done pooping it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

Fishermen's Bobber Poopie
That's the kind where you are in a public restroom, there are two people waiting in your stall, you poop and flush two times, but several golf ball size pieces are still floating above the water line.

Richard Simmons Poopie
You poop so much you lose 30 pounds.

*Also known as the Wizard of Oz Poopie where all that comes out are a couple of munchkins and some music.

**This is different from the Applejuice Poopie which leaves the system in the exact same form it came into the mouth.

Buying Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?".

He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

OJ and the Lion King

Q: What is the difference between OJ Simpson and the Lion King?

Bear and the Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Mr Rabbit, do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "Why, no, Mr Bear!" So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.