Top Ten Signs You Have Purchased a Bad Beer
10. TV Ads Begin "From the sparkling waters of Lake Erie. . ."
9. The second you take a sip, your liver explodes
8. For some reason, it's sold in the detergent aisle
7. It was actually brewed by Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams
6. Instead of a wagon pulled by Clydesdales, beer company has a wheelbarrow pushed by a doped-up monkey
5. The company isn't running any sort of sweepstakes, but the underside of the bottle caps all say "Sorry"
4. Tastes more like a mountain goat than a mountain stream
3. Picture on label is of a guy throwing up
2. Your girlfriend announces she's leaving you for Billy Dee Williams
1. When you crack a couple open on a fishing trip and say, "It doesn't get any better than this," your buddies kill themselves
Top Ten Signs You Drank Too Much This Weekend
10. You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping -- with your Oldsmobile.
9. Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
8. For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.
7. You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
6. Absolut wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5. Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's VomitMan!"
4. The doorman asks for your ID just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3. Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2. Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1. You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
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