Me, I love cats, but my sick, twisted sense of humor wins out with this game.

Hint: aim for their little paws if you want to get some height.

[Hat tip: I Hate My Cubicle!]

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on June 30 :: Permalink :: Comments (1)

I miss Grandpa

I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in >your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. We used to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him.

I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember best, the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice came from him when I was only 12.

We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. Then he said, "And be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Bullshit so far »

» by phin on June 30 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Hey Harv! Why Do You Have an M on Your Chest?

A girl goes to a doctor for a check-up. It's a routine exam, therefore, she takes of her shirt. When her shirt is off, the doctor sees a large "P" on her chest. The doctor says, "What the hell happend to you?" The Girl replies "Well, my boyfriend goes to college, and he is so proud of himself, that he wears his letterman jacket during sex. The check-up is done and the girl leaves.

The Next day, another girl goes tot he doctor for a checkup, she takes off her shirt and on her chest, is the letter "L". Yet again the doctor says, "What the hell happend to you?" The Girl replies "Well, my boyfriend goes to college, and he is so proud of himself, that he wears his letterman jacketwhen we fuck. The check-up is done and the girl leaves.

On the third day, a third girl walks in for her exam, she removes her shirt and there is a large letter "W" on her chest.

The doctor says, "Lemme guess... , your boyfriend goes to Wisconsin...right?"

The girl replies, "No doctor, but I just had sex with my girlfriend from Michigan."

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on June 28 :: Permalink :: Comments (0)

Children's books that didn't make

Old, but I couldn't resist posting them again:

1. You Are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy who Died From Eating His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife Robert

4. Fun Four Letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Scissors and Screwdrivers: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and The High Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go To Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly

12. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption

13. The Magic World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator

14. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
15. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

16. Strangers Have The Best Candy

17. Whining, Kicking and Crying To Get Your Way

18. You Were An Accident

19. The Things Rich Kids Have And You Never Will

20. Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games

21. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan

22. Your Nightmares Are Real

23. Where Would You Like To Be Buried?

24. Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School

25. Why Can't Mr. Fork And Mr. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

26. Places Where Mommy And Daddy Hide Neat Things

27. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Bullshit so far »

» by Physics Geek on June 27 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Jokes

Wedded bliss

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their lovemaking.

Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit.

The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large
suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.

Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success.

Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."

At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this, I gotta see!"

Bullshit so far »

» by Physics Geek on June 27 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Jokes

Community Service

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to improve your business” and “Becoming more successful".

Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

Bullshit so far »

» by _Jon on June 27 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Jokes
» Synthstuff - music, photography and more... links with: Community Service and a Barber's Tale

Who's on First - Twist

This is a play on the "Who's On First?".

Bullshit so far »

» by _Jon on June 25 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Jokes

Television specials for 00's

Do you remember the Charlie Brown specials that taught valuable life lessons to a generation of kids? Well here are some new episodes:

Peanuts specials for kids of the Aughts:

We learn about VD in: "It Burns When I Pee, Charlie Brown"

Charlie and the little redheaded girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in:
"I'm Starting To Show, Charlie Brown!"

Is Linus gay? "Its A Different Kind Of Love, Charlie Brown"

Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A in: "Oye! Vato! Que Pasa, Carlito Moreno?"

See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in: "No Means No, Charlie Brown!"

Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in: "Imo Busta Cap Inyo Ass, Charlie Brown"

What goes on the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego "Mr. Clean" in: "God Told Me To Do It, Charlie Brown"

Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in: "Roll Us A Fat One, Charlie Brown!"

Charlie Brown gets his first job in: "Would You Like Fries With That, Charlie Brown?"

Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in: "Go Blame Society, Charlie Brown"

Peppermint Patty 'goes to town' on Marcie in: "Who Needs Men, Charlie Brown?"

Bullshit so far »

» by Physics Geek on June 24 :: Permalink :: Comments (3) :: Dumb Ass Jokes
» the day lee misadventures links with: Charles Schultz rolling over in his grave right about now...

No smoking?

A recent survey shows that 9 out of 10 men, who have tried camels, still prefer women.

Bullshit so far »

» by Physics Geek on June 24 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Dumb Ass Jokes

It's Ladies Night! Time to Kick the Men Around a Little

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . . Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on June 24 :: Permalink :: Comments (0)

Marital advice

With the divorce rate at 50 percent, lifelong wedded bliss is far from guaranteed for married couples. Here are some tips to help keep the flame of love burning years after that walk down the aisle.

Be sure to thank your spouse whenever they do something nice, even if it's something as small as taking it up the ass.

The best way to ensure a long-lasting marriage is to keep your individual needs out of it.

Treat your partner with respect. Don't hit him/her in front of relatives.

A good relationship leaves room for outside interests. Be supportive of your spouse's rough-sex-with-the-mailman hobby.

Cranking out another child is a great way to bring you and your spouse closer together.

Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and scream at each other for 24 hours, 36 hours--however long it takes.

Always speak to spouse in soothing, patronizing tones.

Take out your marital problems on your young children.

Communication is the key to a good marriage. Be sure your spouse knows every last little thing you hate about him/her.

Sit down with your spouse and work out a diet that will allow you to get big and fat together.

If your marriage is truly in jeopardy, stay in touch with your phone psychic at all times.

Countless conflicts can be avoided by walking out on your family for years at a time.

In a two-job household, both careers need to be considered, even if one is some silly little woman endeavor.

One common myth states that hitting is no way to solve a marital dispute, but studies show that this is not always the case.

If you sense that your marriage is growing stale, accept it and live out the remainder of your days in unfulfilled misery and despair.

Bullshit so far »

» by Physics Geek on June 22 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Jokes

Banana loaf

2 laughing eyes
2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl
1 banana

Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and
massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check
frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until
creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is done
when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the

WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN

Bullshit so far »

» by Physics Geek on June 22 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Jokes

It's Like Poetry, Only Dirty

Shamelessly stolen from VW Bug of One Happy Dog Speaks

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb ass!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay

THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on June 22 :: Permalink :: Comments (2)

Men Are Like / Women Are Like

Men are like ... Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like ... Bananas ........ The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ... Weather ........ Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders ........ You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ... Mascara ......... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn ......... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ... Snowstorms ........ You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps ......... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Women are like ... Snowflakes .....
- They are all beautiful,
- They are all different,
- They can all be cold as ice,
- They all melt when they land on your face.

Bullshit so far »

» by _Jon on June 22 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Jokes

Battle of the Sexes! Special Guest Referee - GOD!


Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.



I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit!


Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on June 20 :: Permalink :: Comments (2)

Why I Tend Bar

People are always asking me - and by "always" I mean "never" - "Hey, Harv! How'd you end up slingin' hooch in a sleazy dive like Madfish Willie's?"

Well, it all started shortly after I got married...

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the
town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the
door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany,
Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that
he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop.... but at the know..they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy
Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so
frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll,
but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are
really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I
promise...OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She
opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors
d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps,
and pork strips.

"But my sweet the know, there's
swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT

Let's just say this job is the only way I can get my married ass into a fucking bar anymore...

[hat tip to my Blogless Brother Roy]

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on June 18 :: Permalink :: Comments (2)

40 things you'd love to say out loud at work

Not at work HERE, since bartending is fun, but still...

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh--.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learned to see
it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
23. And your crybaby whiny-ased opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office; it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder --- my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on June 16 :: Permalink :: Comments (4)
» Shadowscope links with: Things NOT to say at work


I'm thinking of ditching the pretzel bowl and filling it up with Gummy Dongs, instead.

According to the video, the chicks should be swarming into the place.

[Free beer to I Hate My Cubicle]

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on June 13 :: Permalink :: Comments (0)

Don't Lie to Mom

A guy invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful her son's roommate was. She had long been curious of a relationship between her son and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between her son and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, he volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, the son's roommate said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't know where she put it, do you?"
He replied, "No, but I'll ask her."

He called his mom and got her answering machine, so he left a message; "Hi Mom. We can't find the gravy ladle we used during dinner. I appreciate you helping with the dishes, but we don't know where you put it."

Several days later, the son got home to find a message from his mom on his voicemail; "Hi Son. If your roommate were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Bullshit so far »

» by _Jon on June 13 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Jokes

An Announcement

Because of a dispute it has been decided to devote the rest of this space to a forum specially written for people who like figures of speech, for the not a few fans of litotes, and those with no small interest in meiosis, for the infinite millions of hyperbole-lovers, for those fond of hypallage, and the epithet's golden transfer, for those who fall willingly into the arms of the metaphor, those who give up the ghost, bury their heads in the sand and ride roughshod over the mixed metaphor, and even those of hyperbaton the friends. It will be too, for those who reprehend the malapropism; who love the wealth of metonymy; for all friends of rhetoric and syllepsis; and zeugmatists with smiling eyes and hearts. It will bring a large absence of unsatisfactory malevolence to periphrastic fans; a wig harm bello to spoonerists; and in no small measure a not less than splendid greeting to you circumlocutors.

The World adores prosopopeiasts, and the friendly faces of synechdotists, and can one not make those amorous of anacoluthon understand that if they are not satisfied by this, what is to happen to them? It will attempt to really welcome all splitters of infinitives, all who are Romeo and Juliet to antonomasia, those who drink up similes like sparkling champagne, who lose nothing compared with comparison heads, self-evident axiomists, all pithy aphorists, apothegemists, maximiles, theorists, epigrammatists and evengnomists.

And as for the lovers of aposiopesis -- ! It will wish bienvenu to all classical adherents of euphuism, all metathesistic birds, golden paranomasiasts covered in guilt, fallacious paralogists, trophists, anagogists, and anaphorists; to greet, welcome, embrace asyndeton buffs, while the lovers of ellipsis will be well-met and its followers embraced, as will be chronic worshippers of catachresis and supporters of anastrophe the world over.

Bullshit so far »

» by _Jon on June 11 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Jokes

Don't Shoot the Piano Player!

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar that had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.

The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up! and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg.

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out
of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the Piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much.

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on June 10 :: Permalink :: Comments (0)

Why ARE Men Happier?

Men Are Just Happier People.
What do you expect from such simple creatures?

- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Wedding dress: $5000. Tux rental: $100.
- Chocolate is just another snack.

- You can be President.
- You can never be pregnant.
- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.

- The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- Same work, more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- One mood all the time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks and jets.

- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

- Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- Everything on your face stays its original color.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You only have to shave your face and neck.

- You can play with toys all your life.
- Your belly usually hides your big hips.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes. One color for all seasons.
- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
- You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

It's NO wonder why men are happier

Bullshit so far »

» by _Jon on June 10 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Jokes


A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" words to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "Typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Bullshit so far »

» by _Jon on June 8 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Jokes

First Dinner

(Joke stolen from elsewhere.)

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she'd like to go out and have sex for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he'd never had sex before, so he makes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3 pack, a 10 pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in.' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend;
"I had no idea you were so religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back;
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Bullshit so far »

» by _Jon on June 7 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Jokes

Today's Riddle

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Susie on June 7 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Yay! Lesbians!

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.

6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.

7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.

8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.

9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods? Fingerpaint.

10.What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI.

11.What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? See you next month.

12.Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

13.How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls

14.Do you know what drag is? It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

15.What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes.

16.How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

17.What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

18.What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

[stolen from here]

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on June 6 :: Permalink :: Comments (1)

Today's Riddle

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Susie on June 6 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Today's Riddle

Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?

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» by Susie on June 5 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Dress For Success

10 of the best T-shirts ever made.

I *know* Susie has #8.

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on June 4 :: Permalink :: Comments (2)

Today's Riddle

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Susie on June 4 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Today's Riddle

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Susie on June 3 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Today's Riddle

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

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Bullshit so far »

» by Susie on June 2 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

Today's Riddle

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Susie on June 2 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Where HAS the Bartender Gone?

Ya wanna know what happened to Madfish Willie?

Seems he got into a little legal hassle & got hisself tossed in the pokey. As soon as he walks in, his huge, buff cellmate says to him, “We're gonna play house. Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?”

After thinking about it for a minute, Willie slowly answers, “Well, if I have to choose, I guess I'll be the daddy.”

“OK,” his cellmate says, “then get over here and suck mommy's dick.”

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on June 1 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Jokes

Today's Riddle

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Susie on June 1 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff