Boobie Joke For Herbey

If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?

If Dear Abby were a man...

An oldie, but it still makes me laugh.
============================================

Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.

A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior-And it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, cooking him a nice meal and not mentioning his behavior.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should-he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, cooking a nice meal and not mentioning this behavior.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

The virgin

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer,
going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle, that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

Check the extended entry for the rest of the story...

Battle of the sexes

Recycled, sure, but it's still funny.

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband
has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff."

The wife's face goes blank.

"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!"

An oldie, but...

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father Bill says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks. The first nun cannot resist temptation, suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops one of the bars of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser."

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells! "Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!"

S P E C I A L    A N N O U N C E M E N T

Internet Cleaning
DO NOT CONNECT TO THE INTERNET FROM MARCH 31st 23:59 pm (GMT) UNTIL 12:01am (GMT) APRIL 2nd.

*** Attention ***

It's that time again! As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead e-mail and inactive ftp, www, and gopher sites, allows for a better working and faster Internet.

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 23:59 pm (GMT) on March 31st until 00:01 am (GMT) on April 2nd. During that 24-hour period, five powerful Internet-crawling robots situated around the world will search the Internet and delete any data that they find.

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following:

1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet connections.

2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.

3. Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the Internet.

4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.

We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.

We thank you for your cooperation.

Fu Ling Yu

Interconnected Network Maintenance Staff Main Branch,
Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Sysops and others: Since the last Internet cleaning, the number of Internet users has grown dramatically. Please assist us in alerting the public of the upcoming Internet cleaning by posting this message where your users will be able to read it.

Please pass this message on to other sysops and Internet users as well.

Thank you.

Update: Click on extended entry for more information.

Belated St. Patrick's Day humor

"I've Lost Me Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

*****************************************************
"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

***********************************************
"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well." Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying."

*************************************
Irish Cemetery

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he! was 95 when he died"!

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

***************************************************
Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

***************************************************
Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun!'

Thinkin' men

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's right,"Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

How Well Do You Really Know Your Spouse

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Eric and the Straight White Wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed Eric, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Eric leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,

"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

And thus began Eric's life of celibacy....

[Shamelessly ripped from Eric's old blogspot blog]

Oral Awakening

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

WrOnG AppRoAcH

Mudfish Willie and phin are out drinking one night when Mudfish turns to phin and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after I've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

phin looks at Mudfish and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY??" .... and she acts like she's asleep every time."

Waiting For A Fax

The other day, Phin walked into Madfish Willie's and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing on the back of his hand as if it's a telephone. He then flips his hand over and starts talking into his palm. I walked over and tell Phinn "This a tough neighborhood and I doesn't need any trouble from weirdos."

"You don't understand," Phin says. "I'm very high tech. I've had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying a cell."

"Prove it!"

So Phin dials up a number and presents his hand to me. I talked into the hand and carried on a brief conversation.

"That's incredible," I said. "I would never have believed it!"

"Yeah," says Phin. "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"

I directed him to the men's room. Phin goes in and five, ten, twenty minutes go by. Fearing the worst given the violence in the neighborhood, I went into the men's room. Phinn is spread-eagled against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.

"Oh my god!" says I. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?"

Phin casually turns around and says, "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."

Canadian Club

A baby seal walked into a bar and sat down.

"What can I get you?" asked the bartender.

The baby seal said: "Anything but a Canadian Club."

A teapot

Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer..

When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot. Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary , you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

Dumb Ass Phin!

Phin was sitting quietly at the bar when Mudfish Billie presented him with a riddle. "My mother had a child. It wasn't my brother, and it wasn't my sister. Who was it?" Phin thought for a minute but then gave up. "It was me, you idiot!" exclaimed Mudfish Billie triumphantly.

Phin thought it was a good trick and decided to play it on his wife when he got home. He announced: "My mother had a child. It wasn't my brother, and it wasn't my sister. Who was it?" His wife looked at him blankly and gave up. "It was Mudfish Billie down at Blender's you idiot!"

VE HAV VAYS TO MAKE YOU TOC

A man brings his clock to a German clock repairman and complains: "It doesn't go tic-toc, tic-toc; it just goes 'tic-tic-tic’."

The clock repairman puts in his monocle and glares at the clock: "Ve hav vays to make you toc..."

[Stolen from National Review Online]

How to cook a turkey

This has been making its way around the Internet since 1500 B.C., even though the first computer still hadn't been manufactured yet. However, if there's one thing that you can count on me for, it's recycling the stalest holiday humor you've ever seen between now and the New Year.
---------------------------------------------------
HOW TO COOK A TURKEY

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey(Ed. note: this didn't used to be possible)
Update: More on this here.

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Maybe I Need An Intercom...

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"

"What! Are you crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, " he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us..."

"It's just a small blowjob, " he insists, "and I know you like it."

"No! I said no!"

"Baby... don't be like that."

"Come on baby pleeeeaassseee"

"I'm not going to give you a blowjob"

"Why Not...baby it will be quick I promise?"

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

[Shamelessly stolen from A Trainwreck In Maxwell]

Customer service

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account"

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Job application

A few months ago, the CIA had an opening for an assassin. This highly classified position is hard to fill, requiring enormous testing and background checks involved before an applicant can be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, the Agency narrowed the possible choices down to 3 men, for the one available position.

The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The Agent administering the test took one of the applicants to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could
never shoot my own wife!". "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

The second applicant was brought to the same door and handed the gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", the Agent explained, "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go the hell home."

The Agents brought the third applicant to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third applicant. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair!"

LMAO

Two Palestinian men are showing pictures of their children to each other.

The first says: "This is my oldest, Muhammed. He was a martyr.... This is my second oldest, Muhammed. He was a martyr too.... This is my baby boy, Muhammed. One day I hope he will be a martyr too."

The other replies: "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Shamelessly ripped from the comments at Ace of Spades]

Problems, problems

"The other day," said the woman to the psychiatrist, "I happened to see my son and the little girl next door both naked, examining each other's bodies."

"Well, that's not unusual," smiled the shrink, "I wouldn't worry about something as normal as that."

"But I AM worried doctor." insisted the woman. "I don't think it's normal at all, and neither does my son's wife."

Take me to your leader

Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around.

The first thing they see that resembles a human being is the gas pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!" Of course he gets no response...

The first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Of course, still no response...

The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!"

At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the next block."

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time.

"Earthling take me to your leader!" Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump...

The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien. "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me!?"

The second replies "Well, I didn't know exactly *what* was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna' mess with a guy who's dick hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear."

The competition

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

Wisdom with age

Morris, the old professor, visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.

"Well..." the professor drawled, "not bad at all, to be honest. The wife isn't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."

"My goodness Morris, and at your age too," the doctor said. "I hope you at least took some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I'm not senile yet, doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."

World's shortest fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf
a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

Buyin' A Horse

A midget with a speech impediment wants to buy a horse. When he arrives at the stables, the owner asks if he'd like a male or female horse.

"A female howth," says the midget. So the owner takes him to the stable housing his mares, and shows him his prized mare.

"Nithe howth," the midget says. "Can I thee huh mouth?" So the owner picks the midget up, holds him at mouth level, and let's him check her teeth.

"Nithe... could I pleathe thee huh eyeth?" So the owner picks him up again, and let's him examine her eyes. "Vewy nithe," says the midget, nodding his approval.

They slowly walk around her, examining her, when the midget suddenly says, "I'd like to see huh twat."

The owner looks at him in disgust, and, enraged, grabs the midget, and shoves his head into her twat. "Is that close enough for you, you little pervert?!"

The midget shakes his head, and slowly, deliberately says, "Let me wephrathe... I'd like to thee her RUN."

Battle of the sexes

Top 17 Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife

17. "I finished the Oreos."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

13. "Well, could they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

and the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife...

1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger........"

Baseball fan

The World's most avid baseball fan, a blond, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize that she had left her ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, she went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's wait she was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, Linda!"

She looked up, stepped out ofline and tried to find the owner of the voice -- with no success. Then she realized she had lost her place in the line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over again.

After she had purchased her ticket, she was thirsty, so she went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand was also very long. But since the game hadn't started she decided to wait. Just as she got to the window, a voice called out "Hey, Linda!"

Again she tried to find the voice and got out of line as she wandered looking for the owner of the voice. But no luck. She was very upset as she got back in line for her drink.

Finally she had her drink and took her seat eager for the game to begin. As she waited for the first pitch, she heard the voice calling, "Hey, Linda!" once more.

Furious, she stood up and yelled a the top of her lungs:

"My name isn't Linda!"|

Why Engineers Don't Write Cook Books

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten

2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3

3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite

4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride

5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11

6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11

7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde

8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein

9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao

10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Herbey's Identification

Do you know why Herbey has a piece of dog poop in his back pocket?

Dave's day

Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"

Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.

Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.

"Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

A conceptual problem

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby Photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it.", Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um, ... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??".

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam?.... Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Drugs for women

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. MOMMA’S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person...Can we get naked now?�

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to put the toilet seat back down.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him

Being the best

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily.

Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."

"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"

She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."

Near-Death Experience

A blonde had a near death experience that has changed her forever. The other day, she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.

Dying to get in

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!

"By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell - but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Mexican Earthquake

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America

Children's books that didn't make

Old, but I couldn't resist posting them again:
---------------------------------------------------------

1. You Are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy who Died From Eating His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife Robert

4. Fun Four Letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Scissors and Screwdrivers: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and The High Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go To Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly

12. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption

13. The Magic World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator

14. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
15. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

16. Strangers Have The Best Candy

17. Whining, Kicking and Crying To Get Your Way

18. You Were An Accident

19. The Things Rich Kids Have And You Never Will

20. Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games

21. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan

22. Your Nightmares Are Real

23. Where Would You Like To Be Buried?

24. Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School

25. Why Can't Mr. Fork And Mr. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

26. Places Where Mommy And Daddy Hide Neat Things

27. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Wedded bliss

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their lovemaking.

Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit.

The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large
suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.

Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success.

Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."

At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this, I gotta see!"

Community Service

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

---
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

---
Later a Republican comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The Republican is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as "How to improve your business� and “Becoming more successful".

---
Then a Democrat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week."

The Democrat is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Democrats lined up waiting for a free haircut.

Who's on First - Twist

This is a play on the "Who's On First?".

Marital advice

With the divorce rate at 50 percent, lifelong wedded bliss is far from guaranteed for married couples. Here are some tips to help keep the flame of love burning years after that walk down the aisle.

Be sure to thank your spouse whenever they do something nice, even if it's something as small as taking it up the ass.

If you sense that your marriage is growing stale, accept it and live out the remainder of your days in unfulfilled misery and despair.

Banana loaf

2 laughing eyes
2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl
1 banana

Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and
massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check
frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until
creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is done
when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the
bowl.

WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN

Men Are Like / Women Are Like

Men are like ... Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like ... Bananas ........ The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ... Weather ........ Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders ........ You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ... Mascara ......... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn ......... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ... Snowstorms ........ You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps ......... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Women are like ... Snowflakes .....
- They are all beautiful,
- They are all different,
- They can all be cold as ice,
- They all melt when they land on your face.

Don't Lie to Mom

A guy invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful her son's roommate was. She had long been curious of a relationship between her son and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between her son and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, he volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, the son's roommate said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't know where she put it, do you?"
He replied, "No, but I'll ask her."

He called his mom and got her answering machine, so he left a message; "Hi Mom. We can't find the gravy ladle we used during dinner. I appreciate you helping with the dishes, but we don't know where you put it."

Several days later, the son got home to find a message from his mom on his voicemail; "Hi Son. If your roommate were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

An Announcement

Because of a dispute it has been decided to devote the rest of this space to a forum specially written for people who like figures of speech, for the not a few fans of litotes, and those with no small interest in meiosis, for the infinite millions of hyperbole-lovers, for those fond of hypallage, and the epithet's golden transfer, for those who fall willingly into the arms of the metaphor, those who give up the ghost, bury their heads in the sand and ride roughshod over the mixed metaphor, and even those of hyperbaton the friends. It will be too, for those who reprehend the malapropism; who love the wealth of metonymy; for all friends of rhetoric and syllepsis; and zeugmatists with smiling eyes and hearts. It will bring a large absence of unsatisfactory malevolence to periphrastic fans; a wig harm bello to spoonerists; and in no small measure a not less than splendid greeting to you circumlocutors.

The World adores prosopopeiasts, and the friendly faces of synechdotists, and can one not make those amorous of anacoluthon understand that if they are not satisfied by this, what is to happen to them? It will attempt to really welcome all splitters of infinitives, all who are Romeo and Juliet to antonomasia, those who drink up similes like sparkling champagne, who lose nothing compared with comparison heads, self-evident axiomists, all pithy aphorists, apothegemists, maximiles, theorists, epigrammatists and evengnomists.

And as for the lovers of aposiopesis -- ! It will wish bienvenu to all classical adherents of euphuism, all metathesistic birds, golden paranomasiasts covered in guilt, fallacious paralogists, trophists, anagogists, and anaphorists; to greet, welcome, embrace asyndeton buffs, while the lovers of ellipsis will be well-met and its followers embraced, as will be chronic worshippers of catachresis and supporters of anastrophe the world over.

Why ARE Men Happier?

Men Are Just Happier People.
What do you expect from such simple creatures?

- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Wedding dress: $5000. Tux rental: $100.
- Chocolate is just another snack.

- You can be President.
- You can never be pregnant.
- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.

- The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- Same work, more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- One mood all the time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks and jets.

- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

- Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- Everything on your face stays its original color.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You only have to shave your face and neck.

- You can play with toys all your life.
- Your belly usually hides your big hips.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes. One color for all seasons.
- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
- You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

It's NO wonder why men are happier

Typewriter

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" words to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "Typewriter."

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

First Dinner

(Joke stolen from elsewhere.)

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she'd like to go out and have sex for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he'd never had sex before, so he makes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3 pack, a 10 pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in.' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend;
"I had no idea you were so religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back;
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Where HAS the Bartender Gone?

Ya wanna know what happened to Madfish Willie?

Seems he got into a little legal hassle & got hisself tossed in the pokey. As soon as he walks in, his huge, buff cellmate says to him, “We're gonna play house. Do you want to be the mommy or the daddy?�

After thinking about it for a minute, Willie slowly answers, “Well, if I have to choose, I guess I'll be the daddy.�

“OK,� his cellmate says, “then get over here and suck mommy's dick.�

This Is Why You Should Tip Your Bartenders

A grungy looking man walks into a bar, proceeds to the bartender and tells him that he's buying a round for everyone and for the bartender to have what he desires. Everyone is pleased, especially the bartender.

After everyone has finished their drinks, the bartender hands the man the check. The man replies that he has no money. The bartender proceeds to take him out back and beat the living shit out of him for a good portion of the hour. Finally, he lets him go telling him to not ever try and pull that again.

A few days pass and the same grungy and dirty man came into the bar and sat down. The bartender recognized him but didn't say anything. As before, he said he wanted to buy a round for everyone in the bar and for the bartender to have what he wanted. After everyone finished their drinks, once again the bartender asked him for the money and the man replied he had none. This time the bartender took him out back again and began to really kick the shit out of him, for a better part of the afternoon and again was let go and was told to never try it again or he would be killed.

A few days past and the man came back in again, more dirty than ever. Again, he sat down and said that he'd like to buy a round for everyone in the bar. The bartender smirked and said, "Hell no, not this time! You've swindled me twice before...never again." At this point, the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a huge roll of money. The bartender looked in disbelief and said, "Well, what about me? Do I get to get what I want? "

The man replied, "No sir! You get mean when you drink!"

[Hat tip to Sissy of ...And What Next for this one]

Driving Herbey Nuts...

Herbey walked into Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon.

Madfish Willie said: "Hey dickhead, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."

"Yeah, I know," said Herbey. "It's driving me nuts!"

Fax for Harvey...

Herbey walked into a bar and started dialling numbers on his hand as if it were a phone.

Madfish Willie looked at him warily, "Look," warned Madfish, "I don't know what you're up to, but this is a tough neighbourhood and I don't want any trouble."

Herbey said: "I'm not out to cause trouble, I promise. Let me explain. I'm very hi-tech and I had a phone installed in my hand because I got tired of carrying around my mobile."

Madfish Willie looked at him as if he were a crank, "I don't believe a word of it."

"OK," said Herbey, "I'll prove it to you," And he pressed the digits on his hand, held his wrist up to his ear and began conducting a conversation. Then he gave his hand to Madfish and, to Madfish's amazement, he could hear a voice coming through the hand.

"That's incredible," said Madfish at the end of the call. "I was able to talk to someone through your hand."

"It's ingenious," said Herbey. "It means I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, anyone, without needing a conventional phone. By the way, where is the men's room?"

Madfish Willie directed him down the corridor to the toilets but began to get a bit worried when Herbey hadn't returned 20 minutes later. Knowing of the reputation of the neighbourhood, he thought he'd better go and check that he was all right. On opening the door, he found Herbey spreadeagled against the wall, with his pants down and a roll of toilet paper rammed up his butt. "Oh God," exclaimed Madfish. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

"No, I'm fine," answered Herbey. "I'm just waiting for a fax."

All Right Bitches, Who Wants What?

Shut the fuck up, I'm talkin' here:

The guy replies, “No I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she's alright.
She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another,
and the next thing you know I'm fucking her.�

The boss says, “You fuck your sister?�

The guy replies, “Hey, I told you I was sick.�

Divorced Barbie

Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Nightclub for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?!?", Ralph asked surprised.

The Manager replies, "Well, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

Cheating President

Bill and Hilary Clinton were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 40 years of marriage Hilary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was really curious as to why.

That evening while they were out for a special dinner Hilary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under the bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why you keep the cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth.Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hilary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all these years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not bad considering the years we've been together."

A little while later Hilary asked Bill "Why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box got full of cans, I cashed them in."

Blondes Beer

A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer." The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"

Little Johhny's Letter To Santa

Little Johnny's mother was cleaning one weekend and found this letter that he had sent to Santa the previous year, when they were living in California:

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year, not only was I the first in my class but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you Santa, there were no kid in the neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity!

What balls you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a lame ass whistle and a pair of socks! What the fuck were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you'd taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the damn tree.

As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little shithead across the street so many fucking toys, that he can't even walk into his damn house! Please don't let me see you trying to fit your huge ass down my chimney next year! I'll fuck you up! I'll throw rocks at those corny ass reindeers of yours and scare them the fuck away, so you'll have to walk your big fat ass back to the north pole, just like I have to do since you didn't get me that fucking bike, you punk bastard!! You know what Santa, Fuck You!! Next year you'll find out how bad I can really fucking be!

So watch your back next year, Beeyaaaaatch!!!!

Sincerely,

Johnny

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!", and she pushed him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

Two-Story House

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"

The Terrible Storm

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman.

Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"

Eagerly, she shakes her head, Yes!

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."

Backwards Nurse

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.", said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Herbey Sucks!

hehehe... Herbey sucks!

[NSFW]

The Poopie List

Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the poop come out, but there is no poop in the toilet.

Clean Poopie
The kind where you poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you won't ruin them with a skid mark.

Second Wave Poopie
This happens when you're done Pooping and you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poop some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Gassy Poopie
It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.

Drinker Poopie
The kind of Poop you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poop that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Corn Poopie
Self-explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie*
The kind where you want to Poop but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie
That's where it hurts so bad coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie**
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie
It smells so bad your nose burns.

The Surprise Poopie
You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops.......a Poop!!!

The Dangling Poopie
This Poop refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done pooping it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

Fishermen's Bobber Poopie
That's the kind where you are in a public restroom, there are two people waiting in your stall, you poop and flush two times, but several golf ball size pieces are still floating above the water line.

Richard Simmons Poopie
You poop so much you lose 30 pounds.

*Also known as the Wizard of Oz Poopie where all that comes out are a couple of munchkins and some music.

**This is different from the Applejuice Poopie which leaves the system in the exact same form it came into the mouth.

Buying Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?".

He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

OJ and the Lion King

Q: What is the difference between OJ Simpson and the Lion King?

Bear and the Rabbit

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Mr Rabbit, do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "Why, no, Mr Bear!" So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.

Check This Out

[via Pam]

Herbey should like this one: Booby Cursor [NSFW]

Hold This

[via Boudicca's Voice]

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."

The man asks "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"

Pam's Thanksgiving Celebration

Highlights of Pam's Thanksgving Celebration!

He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I saw you across a crowded room.
Among all the others that were there,
The lights seemed to shine down on you alone.
I knew then I had to have you for my own.

Willingly, you came with me to my home.
From the car, I carried you through the door.
Looking at you, I admire your body,
your well shaped legs, and breasts.

Slowly I remove what wraps,
around your body so tightly,
fitting you like a glove.
Exposing your tender white skin.
From your neck I remove your charms,
and carry you off in my arms,
to the warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck,
flowing over your soft breasts then,
making your legs glisten with wetness.
Droplets of water cover your taut skin.
My hands rub your body, ummmm
running them through the beads of water.
Making them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside you.
You are warm and moist, so ready.
I carry your still dripping body,
to a laying place, so that I can
put inside you what was well
prepared to enter you before
we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down
your legs spread open wide.
You are ready now and so am I.

I put a little in slowly at first,
getting a feel for how much you can take in.
I put in more, you take it willingly.
In anticipation, faster and faster
I put it in, pushing it in deeply
as far as I can, until I can't
put any more in, you are so tight.

With your legs wrapped tightly,
not wanting to release any of it,
I make you so hot for a very long time,
until your sweet juices escape from within.

Then I taste you, with my tongue at first,
your skin is so soft and tender.
I taste more of you with my mouth,
you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.

Your juices coating my mouth,
making me drool in anticipation
of eating you more, with every taste.

"Oh yes", I say to you,
I must say Grace
"Thank God for Butterball turkey...
Amen."

Thanksgiving Jokes

A few short jokes for your Turkey Day extravaganza!

• A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. ~WC Fields~
• Did you hear about the X-rated turkey? It's served with very little dressing.
• Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
• Imagine... if the Pilgrims had shot a wild cat instead of a Turkey, what would we be eating for Thanksgiving? [pussy?]


• Q: What's the difference between Thanksgiving dinner and pussy?
  
  A: You can eat your mom's thanksgiving dinner.
• Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
  
  A: I'll tell you at Christmas.
• Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
  
  A: It was the chicken's day off.
• Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
  
  A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
• Q: What key has legs and can't open doors?
  
  A: Tur-key.
• Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
  
  A: Hubble, hubble, hubble.
• Q: Why do turkeys always go "gobble, gobble"?
  
  A: Because they never learned good table manners!

A young boy, after hearing the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together, climbed up into his father's lap and said, "Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk?"

"That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard," replied his daddy as he ducked.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."

The representative from Butterball goes to see the Pope and asks him to change the Lord's Prayer from "Give us our daily bread" to "Give us our daily turkey". The Pope says that it is impossible, but the Butterball rep says that they are prepared to give the church a billion dollars to change it. The Pope says he must discuss it with the head Cardinals. The next day he calls them all together and announces he has good news and bad news. "The good news", he begins "is that the church is to come into a billion dollars. The bad news is that we are losing the Wonderbread account!"

Have you read President Clinton's Thanksgiving Day proclamation for 2000? It includes the warning that, under penalty of fine and/or imprisonment, it is illegal for Americans to eat turkey on Thanksgiving Day as of this year.

It seems that, according to a scholar doing research at the Library of Congress on Miles Standish (one of our Pilgrim Fathers), the Pilgrims did not serve turkey at the first Thanksgiving but served wildcats.

Therefore, starting with Thanksgiving 2000, all Americans must eat pussy for Thansgiving.

The day before Thanksgiving this little boy heard his mom and dad fighting. The husband said to his wife, "You stupid bitch, you have floppy tits." She wasn't about to be outdone and said, "Well you have a crooked dick, you bastard." Well, the little boy heard every word they said. After they got done fighting, he went up to the mom and asked her what bitches and bastards were. She told him that they were people. Then he asked what crooked dicks and floppy tits were. She told him that they were coats and hats. The little boy accepted both answers and went on his way.

The next day, they were getting ready for a huge feast with friends and family. The little boy went up stairs where his dad was shaving. The dad cut himself and said "Shit!" Well once again, the boy started asking questions and asked what "shit" was. The father told him that it was "shaving cream". The boy accepted this answer and went downstairs were his mom was stuffing a turkey. When the mom cut herself with a knife, she said "Fuck!" The boy once again asked what "fuck" was. She told him that it was "stuffing". About that time, the door bell rang.

When the little boy went to answer the door, it was his grandparents. Upon opening the door, the little boy said: "Hi bitches and bastards. Let me take your crooked dicks and floppy tits for you. Dad's upstairs putting shit on his face and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

Turkey Day Humor Links:

Thanksgiving E-Cards

Brilliant and hilarious cards to send electronically to your loved ones on Turkey Day, from the very creative Modernhumorist.com.

Valerie Archer...

A collection of WAV files pertaining to Thanksgiving. A few from the

Simpsons, Bart not OJ.

Thanksgiving Excuses

A list of excuses to get away from the family after you've stuffed yourself

silly.

Cybergeek's Thanksgiving

A collection of things for webheads and cybergeeks to be thankful for.

Thanksgiving Jokes

A bit corny but some good one liners.

More Thanksgiving Humor

From laffnow.com, more jokes for turkey day.

All About Thanksgiving

A large collection of Thanksgiving content from humor to cooking to decorating and much much more. Created by About Guides and presented by New England for Visitors guide, Kim Knox Beckius.

Snowmans Smile

Q: Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?

Medical Emergency

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "If neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try." Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrusts continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell are you doing?!?!?!", screamed the husband. "Change of plans," the physician panted, "I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

2 Aspirin and Water

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.

His wife asks, "What's that for?"

He replies, "It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache.", she says.

He replies, "Good, let's fuck!"

Boy and the Train

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you bastards who are getting on, get your asses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She then hears the boy continue, "For those o f you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

Just as the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Women and Rocks

Why are women like rocks?

Blonde and the Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, Asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

Inquisitive Adam

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?"

GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."

So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvaceous and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"No, so that she would love YOU!"

Beer Trivia

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" - or what we know today as the "honeymoon".

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".

Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Hell

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he meets a demon.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon:" Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly"

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

Fart Football

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops in the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

Looking for Mice

A man and his wife have just finished having sex and he is in the bathroom removing a condom. Unexpectedly, his little boy walks in and says, "Daddy, what are you doing?".

The father, not wanting to tell his young son what he is really doing says, "Oh, I was just looking for mice".

The little boy looks puzzled, then says "What are you doing? Fuckin' em?"

Newlywed Virgin

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him.

As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do.

The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.

"What can I help you with?" he asked.

She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?"

"Maam," he answered, "that there is called a penis."

"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?"

The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of the penis."

"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?"

He paused and said, "I'm not sure about your husband, maam, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!"

Prostitute Raid

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were they're passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry."

The Gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for a new sweetheart's birthday, and after careful consideration he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note; romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went shopping and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister bought a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I notice you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it wasn't for your sister, I would have chosen the longer ones with buttons, but she said the short ones are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really nice in them.

I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as naturally they will be a little damp from wearing.

Just think of how many times I will kiss them in the coming year. I hope you will wear them on our date this Friday. I would love to see you in them. All my love."

Hooker Handjob

Harry and his wife are having rough financial times, so they both decide that she'll become a hooker until things smooth over a bit. She's not quite sure what to do so Harry says, "Just stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." Five minutes later a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" She replies, "A hundred dollars." Disappointed he says, "Damn! All I've got is thirty." She thinks for a second and then says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" He tells her that she can give him a handjob. She runs back and tells the guy that all he can get for thirty bucks is a handjob. He agrees and she gets in the car with him. He unzips his pants and pulls out this abnormally large cock. She stares at it for a minute and then says, I'll be right back!" She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?!?!?!?!?!"

The Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the airway. He goes looking for his ball, and comes across this little guy with a huge lump on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness!!!", exclaims the golfer, and he proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly.", and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun replies, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," says the leprechaun, "and might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." "I did that for you," says the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer replies, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Whimpy's Handjob

This is funny....

Olive, on the other hand, is just a bitch. She clearly gets off on having two guys fighting over her. Neither of them is good looking, neither have much in the way of personality. But they both want her and that's good enough for Olive. The poor guys don't even have any idea that Olive has been giving Wimpy handjobs behind the hamburger stand for a dollar so she can save money to get a much needed boob job. Which is why Wimpy never has any money for hamburgers.

Tribute to Rodney

Original here

Born Jacob Cohen in 1921, Rodney "No Respect" Dangerfield began writing jokes at the age of 15. At 19 he changed his name to Jack Roy and had two jobs: one as a comic who couldn't make a living and the other as a singing waiter.

After traveling the comedy circuit for ten years, the struggling Jack Roy quit show business in favor of selling aluminum siding.

It wasn't until the age of 40 that Dangerfield made the decision to relaunch his career as a performer and comedy writer. He spent his days in a business office and nights working in New York clubs.

Rodney's famous trademark white shirt and red tie are on permanent display at the Smithsonian.

Russian Manly-Men

A joke for der Commissar's Showtrial

An international competition for the title of the most manly man comprised three tests. Every participant must:

1. Drink in one gulp a bottle of vodka


2. Walk into a cage and shake hands with a female bear


3. To make love to a woman from a remote Siberian village who never in her life took a bath

A Frenchman drank all of the vodka, and dropped dead.

An Englishman drank vodka, then walked into the cage, and dropped dead when he saw the female bear.

A Russian drank vodka, and walked into the cage. There was a noisy commotion, then the Russian walked out of the cage, buttoning his pants, and asked, "Where is the woman to shake her hand?"

Hickphonics

Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.

Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

Generous Barber

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "You do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "You protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "You serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.

Adams Companion

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam replied, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history.

What Your Car Says About You

What your car says about you:

Food for Thought

- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

- If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called, "Holes"?

- If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

- When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

- If horrific means to make horrible, doesn't terrific mean to make terrible?

- Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

- "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?

- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Lawyers Vacations

For three years, a young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

The Perfect Day

The "Perfect Day" for Her:

8:15AM Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8:30AM Weigh in 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday

8:45AM Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed OJ & croissants.

9:15AM Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.

10:00AM Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.

10:30AM Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.

12:00PM Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.

12:45PM Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.

1:00PM Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.

3:00PM Nap.

4:00PM 3 dozen roses delivered by florist from secret admirer.

4:15PM Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.

5:30PM Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror.

7:30PM Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.

10:00PM Hot shower.

10:30PM Make love.

11:00PM Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

11:15PM Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

Nasty Talk

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?

A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?

A: $3.99 a minute.

Body Odor

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doc asked the rank young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and wash up as far up as possible."

"Well," the doc concluded, "go home and wash possible."

Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist is visiting this Indian Chief. He decides to have some fun and tells the Chief, "Hey Chief, I see ya got an old hound dog. Mind if I talk to him?"

"Dog no talk!", replied the chief.

"Oh, I'll bet he does. Hi buddy, how ya doin?", says the ventriloquist while petting the pooch".

"Oh, not bad", says the dog. "Chief feeds me good and I just lay around the teepee.", came the reply from the dog.

The Chief was amazed! The ventriloquist was having fun so he says, "Hey Chief, I see you've got a horse outside here. Mind if I talk to him?"

"Horse no talk!", replied the Chief.

"Oh, I'll bet he does. Hi fella, how ya doin?", say the ventriloquist while rubbing the horses nose.

"Oh, not bad says the horse. Chief stays home a lot anymore. I just hang around eating hay.", came the reply from the horse.