Crap I Have To Listen To When There Are Southerners In The Bar

SOUTHERN SAYINGS:

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

She's so stuck up she'd drown in a rainstorm.

It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

My cow died last night, so I don't need your bull.

He's as country as cornflakes.

This is gooder'n grits.

If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

I'm 'bout as........ Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Busy as a moth in a mitten. Happy as a clam at high tide.

ADVICE FOR NORTHERNERS WHO TRAVEL SOUTH:

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If you DO run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol' ," as in "big ol' truck," or "big ol' boy." "Fixin'" (as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store") is 2nd, and "Y'all" is 3rd.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

If it can't be fried , it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.

Meet Your New Neighbors - The Simpsons

Someone with more time than sense has produced a live-action version of the Simpsons intro.

Marvelously done.

[Hat tip: I Hate My Cubicle]

Our Military's Wit and Wisdom OR the Military's version of Murphy's Law.

(as passed along to me by my blogless brother Roy)

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
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"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - US Marine Corps
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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - US Air Force Manual
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - US Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways." - US Army Ordnance
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"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
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Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth
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"If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anonymous
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."
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"Never trade luck for skill."
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Shit!"
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"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
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"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
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"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
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Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

Because You Need to Watch More Cartoons About Rabid Squirrels

The complete Foamy the Squirrel cartoon archive.

Dickless Bastard!

Why it's called a boner [Pirate translation]....

Anal Intercourse Anyone?

Madfish Willie's is the #10 Google Link for Anal Intercourse... WTF???

Happy Fucking Birthday... Asshole!!1!

I got some of my bitches together for a Happy Birthday Toast to Herbey...

Although I have the PERFECT pic for the currency freak, I cannot locate it right now... it's a picture of a beautiful babe in the Handmade Bikini Contest whose 'bikini' was made of dollar bills... instead, I'll just give him some more boob shots below

[NSFW - but you are supposed to be fucking around reading blogs at work anyway... so get back to work dickheads]

Gas Prices

True Story

I'm sitting in this low-life bar drinking beer, and the guy sitting next to me starts pointing out the various hookers in the place. He's describing them to me in great detail; the guy obviously had "been" with all of them, at one time or another. He knew too many details - things like tattoos on that one's upper inner thigh, the mole next to the left nipple on the other one...

Anyhow, I'm enjoying my beer and this guy's ongoing commentary. I saw a new girl come into the bar, obviously another hooker the way she dressed and acted. So I ask the guy with all the info, what does he know about her?

He says, "Her? She could suck-start a leaf blower."

I nearly fell off my barstool I was laughing so hard.

Herbey's Credit Card

Movie Trivia

I've been trying to find an answer to a particular piece of movie trivia... to no avail... so I beseech ye to enlighten me....

What movie starred the most number of Oscar Winning Actors/Actressess? The actor/actress doesn't necessarily have to win for that particular role, just at some point in their career have to have won the honors...

I can think of several movies with 3 Oscar winning actors/actresses:

Heat w/ DeNiro, Pacino, Voight
On Golden Pond w/ Fonda, Fonda, Hepburn
The Unforgiven w/ Eastwood, Hackman, Freemen

What are the others... and is there a movie with four or more?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Fuck Iraq!

From the 1000 times forwarded e-mail file:

The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible)

Koran (9:11) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair, still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace.

(Note the verse number!)

World's Dullest Blog

Here's a blog that is even duller than Herbey's... that has got to be one fucked up sumbitch to be worse than Herbey... poor bastard needs to get some imagination... or some pussy... something... damn!

Quandry???

Let's say you are working on a construction site... deep in the heart of Texas... 95+ degree heat for weeks on end... gotta take a crap... you screw up the nerve to go into the nasty filthy fucking port-o-_Jon... after you finsih your business, you stand up to pull your pants up and your wallet, full of cash and credit cards, falls into the tank...

What would you do?

Herbey Turkey Day Party

I talked to Harvey earlier today and asked him how his Turkey Day went. He goes into this long diatribe about how everyone in his family came over to the trailer for Turkey Day and he even had an unexpected guest.

Lorena catches Debbie adding a box of Ex-Lax to Diane's special brown gravy to insure that everyone will "be regular" afterwards.

Niece Laura shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of it and proudly displays nephew Matthew's summons for his court date to answer for beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined Laura's new coat.

Blogless Brother John, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his "piece" in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars.

Cousin Ronnie shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Shandra, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister.

Uncle Roy coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup and asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of "Redman" chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back home.

Aunt Patty shows up with freaky sister Connie, who brings her new "best friend" as well as her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show.

Second-cousin Blogless Tom brings as his guest his current analyst, who's doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial subcultures.

Uncle Mike, who's legally blind but can see some shapes and colors and shadows and who also got legally blind fucking stone drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Sarah, keeps "accidentally" nearly falling into all the women and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.

13-year-old cousin Derrick asks his cousins Ben & Jeff if he can borrow their thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an eight-ball "rock" he just bought from cousin Scott.

Uncle Harvey serves the turkey flambe' by pouring some his famous homemade 'shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what hair is left on Uncle Gary's head and gives third-degree burns to his balding pate, filling the dining room with the stench of roasting human as well as turkey flesh, as 911 is called for the second time on this special Thanksgiving holiday.

Then, wouldn't you know it, on top of all this insanity, Jake is raising all kinds of hell at the door. No wonder, here comes Evil Glenn. Evil Glenn arrives carrying his super sized 7-11 mug full o' puppy smoothy in one hand and a hairless Chi-hua-hua doggie under his other scrawny pale-skinned arm. Jake jumps through the living room window and hauls ass down the street.

"Power's out over my trailer!" Evil Glenn exclaims. "I need to use your 'puter to surf the net for penguin porn, kangaroo humpin and XXX Black Peeing Porn! I might as well eat turkey dinner with you while I'm here. Oh, and I brought dessert!"

As they sit down for dinner Evil Glenn volunteers to say the thanksgiving prayer. Little did they know it would be a commie prayer to Satan!

After dinner Evil Glenn makes hisself at home and sits in Harvey's big orange bean bag chair in the corner of the room across from the 13" B&W TV with the tin foil antennaes on a coat hanger. He reads yesterday's paper, scouring the personal ads for a date. He finds one, makes a short phone call on Harvey's 1970 era rotary phone, jumps up, does a robot dance.

"I gotta go talk to Mudfish Billie and Fatty Sue" he screams joyously and runs down the road to his shitty little gin joint called Blender's. "See ya'll later. I gotta go murder some hobos and then I gots me a date" he shouts over his shoulder to the Trailer Park Addams Family.

"That was a great Thanksgiving Day. Now 'scuse me, I gotta go hunt down Jake," Harvey cries as he hangs up the phone.

[The strangest thing about the whole day is, no one in Harvey's family thought the second thing about Evil Glenn's perverse and evil activities! FREAKS!]

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

Madfish Willie's Weather Forecast For Turkey Day:

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Matty's Thanksgiving

Matty O'Blackfive Turkey Day Instructions:

How To Cook A Turkey
1) Go buy a turkey.
2) Take a drink of scotch whisky (Glenmorangie) or Jack Daniels.
3) Put turkey in the oven.
4) Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.
5) Set the degree at 375 ovens
6) Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.
7) Turn oven the on.
8) Take 4 whisks of drinky.
9) Turk the bastey.
10) Whiskey another bottle of get.
11) Stick a turkey in the thermometer
12) Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
13) Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
14) Take the oven out of the turkey.
15) Take the oven out of the turkey.
16) Floor the turkey up off of the pick.
17) Turk the carvey.
18) Get yourself another scottle of botch.
19) Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
20) Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

Turkey Dressing (15#)
3 cups bread crumbs
2 large onions
2 cups of celery
2 tablespoons of poultry seasoning
2 cups of unpopped popcorn
Stuff turkey.
Bake at 350 degrees for 5 hours until corn pops and blows the turkey's ass across the room!

Drinking Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
Barmen.

Thanksgiving Excuses

Things To Do Thanksgiving Day If You Want To Be Excused Early:

• Remind your 12 year old brother/sister that you left those condoms they asked for in the closet upstairs.


• Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed to take off your clothes at the dinner table.


• Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.


• Shoot olive pits at Grampa's glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!)


• Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.


• When it's your turn to state what you are thankful for, say "latex sheets and crisco".


• Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.


• Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.


• Sit at the "children's table" and lecture them on just why we need to increase the teenage pregnancy population.


• Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.


• As the family is being seated, shout, "Oh my Gawd, I forgot to show you all my genitalia piercing I got on Halloween!!"


• Hold your nose while you eat.


• Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.


• Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing".


• Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that you've got a new fear of choking.


• When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.


• During dinner, ask your brother if his mistress solved that little "dead rabbit" problem.


• Turn to Dad and tell him to advise your brother, having experienced that himself.


• Promise that the winner of the "wishbone tug" gets to sleep with your date. (sex/age unimportant)


• Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, "THE SAFETY IS ON", while you hold your pocket.

Thanksgiving Drinks

Here are some Thanksgiving Cocktails & Liquor:

For my friends Eric, Blackfive, Graumagus and other connoisseurs of fine scotch whiskies: Glenmorangie Single Highland Malt Scotch Whisky

Rick Gobbler

1/2 oz. Wild Turkey

3/4 oz. each of Chambord, Amaretto, and Cranberry juice

Shake well with ice.

Strain into a chilled glass for a shooter, or pour over ice in a highball glass.

Garnish with a lime wedge.

Tooty Fruity Turkey

Equal parts of ;

Wild Turkey

Peach Schnapps

Orange juice

Place all in a shaker with ice.

Strain into a chilled cocktail glass or

Pour over rocks in a highball glass.

Wild Turkey 101: Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

Wild Turkey Rare Breed: Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

Thanksgiving Stuff

Thanksgiving Poem:
Thanksgiving Thoughts by SilverBlue.

What To Expect:
SilverBlue tells us what he is expecting this year.

What To Do:
Thanksgiving - The Plan

Food for Thought:
Munuviana Caramel Apple Cheesecake from Jennifer.

Pumpkin Soup from Dizzy Girl.

Chocolate Chunk Cookies from SilverBlue.

Hot Virginia Dip from SilverBlue.

Snickerdoodles from Rocket Jones.

Simple Chicken Stew from Rocket Jones. [substitute turkey?]

Baked Potato Soup from Rocket Jones.

Here are some links to turkey cooking:

Turkey Cooking 101.

Turkey Basics: Safe Cooking

Thanksgiving Recipes for Dummies

Look... Over There!

Soccer Badgers!

via Hugh Hewitt

Scattershooting

Not much in the way of scattershooting this week... been busy helping move all the new MuNuvians set up their MT blogs and move their links and pics and stylesheets. It's not difficult, but it's real time consuming.

So far I've moved Key Issues, A Likely Story, Brain Fertilizer, There's One, Only (in process), Mamamontezz, Educated Beyond Her Intelligence, and there is someone else, but I can't remember... Oh yeah... it's Straight White Guy, who's moving off his current server/host due to some problems. We have so many new and excellent blogs at MuNuviana, it's getting hard to read them and everybody else I want to read everyday...

My new favorite blog is The Commissar! That guy cracks me up.

Hey, I'm flipping around the tube this weekend and I see The Blue Man Group on Direct TV's Freeview. Man... those guys KICK ASS!... a visual kaleidascope, an explosion of colors and textures, a veritable lighting and video extravaganza... if you like drums and percussion instruments, you won't want to miss this... they had four dudes working a colossal bank of drums just kicking ass the whole time... a unique auditory experience... the best part was Annette Strean from Venus Hum singing a cover of Donna Summer's I Feel Love! THAT ROCKED!!!! If you ever get the chance, don't miss the opportunity to experience the phenomenal Blue Man Group.

Check out this article about Google Bombing! Serves Kerry right... take A position... take ANY position... as long as it's only ONE postion. Google Bombs in USA Today... must have been a slow news day?

Kudos to Phil Mickelson on finally winning his first major golf tournament! The Masters, no less. And he's a lefty! Ya gotta like that.

Scattershooting...

My cat Harold is housebroken. He runs outside to make a poop. No nasty litter boxes to clean up. How cool is that? He looks like a holstein milk cow - black spots on white body. Except his nose... that has a little brown patch on it... it looks like he has been out burying a bone or something in the dirt like a dog and then covering it up with his nose.

Has anybody beside me ever seen the movie Evil Roy Slade? I saw that when I was in high school. I laughed my ass off. As a baby, his family was headed west in a wagon train. The wagon train was attacked by Indians and everyone killed or taken away or something. The only one left was this baby in a diaper. The Indians took one look at the baby and ran away. Next, the wolves came. They took one look at the baby and ran away. So, he grows up all alone out on the prairie in his diaper. Cut to several years later... Evil Roy Slade, fully grown and still wearing his diaper, is wondering around in the fields, stumbles over something, walks up to a big bunch of prickley pear cactus and KICKS it! Bwahahaha!

Go over and check SithMonkey's new blog. Me and Darth Monkeybone grew up in the same boys home... he was there a couple of years after I graduated... but we share a common "heritage". We were over at the Misha's chatroom on week-end night several months ago and through the course of discussion, figured out what we had in common. It's a small world after all.

Hehe... don't buy any shit from these dumbfucks! Be sure to read the comments, too. I wonder why they did initial caps on all but the last word?

Has anyone heard of any others bloggers in San Antonio? I know a bunch in Houston and Dallas and a couple in Austin... what about the rest of Texas? Just wondering is all.

Looky here! I found this picture of Harvey!

Something I've noticed on some TV series, they never have any lights on... I mean no one works in the dark like that. Check SCI, CSI:Miami, there are some others but I can't remember them off the top of my head. Those CSI people are always working in the fucking dark... every indoor crime scene is investigated with the lights off... even in the office they don't have any lights... how much crap do they miss because they won't flip a fucking light switch?

Scattershooting...

How do dogs remember where the hell they have buried all the shit they bury? Some type of doggie-radar? YellowDog can find shit she has buried months ago - tennis balls, etc - when the one she was playing with got bounced over the fence or rolls under the frig. Fucking weird.

Speaking of dogs... Go check out Two Nervous Dogs. I like her writing style and subject matter. And her pictures of her chocolate dog. Plus, I don't know if she knows this, she is a Corner of The Bar Babe!

Flashback... Atom Ant/Secret Squirrel... The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle... I hated Sesame Street... Never watched Mr Rogers... Popeye - now that guy was always kicking some ass... Bugs Bunny - did anyone ever fuck him up, EVER?...

I was born in the wrong cenutry. I would have loved living in the "old west", except maybe for all them wild fucking Indians trying to scalp you all the damn time. Other than that, if someone was giving you a bunch of shit or they fucked you over, it was a lot easier to settle the arguement. You blew their head off or they blew your head off. Case closed!

Flashback... Maverick (James Garner)... Rawhide (Duh! Clint Eastwood)... Gunsmoke (longest running series in TV history)... Have Gun Will Travel (that guy was cool in his black outfit, plus he always kicked some dickhead's ass)... The Big Valley (a young and beautiful Linda Evans), there are some more but I can't remember the names of them right now. All in black & white too. ...Alias Smith & Jones

Scattershooting...

My thoughts on the steriods/illegal drug testing issue in professional sports? They are all a bunch of pussies! Let 'em try the IOC testing program or the one the the bicyclists have to go through. Then they would know what testing is all about. The penalties dealt out in those programs would effectively terminate most professional careers. Imagine having to sit out two years of your multi-million dollar a year career.

Allen Iverson is a spoiled brat troublemaker. Why is he too good to come off the bench? Why is he too good to play by the rules the rest of his teammates have to play by? I don't recall any titles on his collegiate or professional resume. Until then, I think he should just shut the fuck up and do what the coach tells him to do.

Terrell [There is no I in team, but there is a M and a E and that spells ME] Owens is a bad person to have on your football team. He is a great talent, no doubt about it, but his ME-first attitude is poison. My predictions are the Ravens will be better off without him, the Eagles will wish they had never seen him by the middle of the year, and the Eagles won't make it to the Conference Title Game this year.

First Starky & Hutch, and now Walking Tall? What's next... Billy Jack? I like The Rock, but remaking Walking Tall is a bad move. It seems to me The Rock is good in an action/comedy movie. I may be wrong, but I don't think so.

Remember when a multiplex theatre was the Cinema I & II.

Did you know that The Flintstones was the longest running prime time animated series ever until it was eclipsed by The Simpsons?

I think The Flintstones was based on The Honeymooners with Jackie Gleason and Art Carney... think about that.

I think Star Trek was Gunsmoke in outer space. Think about the how the characters correlate to each other.

I met Ken Curtis who played Deputy Festus Haggen at the boys home where I grew up. He came to do a little show... in his Gunsmoke costume and everything... he was really sick but "the show must go on"... then he stuck around to talk to some of the kids... a really cool guy!

You know when Star Trek first came out on TV... and we thought those flip open communicators were really cool... today we call them cell phones!

What ever happened to Sandy Koufax? Check out his stats from 1963 to 1966... won the pitching Triple Crown 3 out of 4 years... the most dominate pitcher EVER!

Joe DiMaggio always insisted on being introduced as "The Greatest Living Baseball Player". Although I agree he was one of the best to ever play the game, how fucking arrogant was that?

Who is the greatest living baseball player today? Stan Musial, Willie Mays, Henry Aaron, Barry "S" Bonds?

WooHoo!

OK.. Look how cool this is... watch the banner/logo thingy... press [F5]... presto-chango a new banner/logo thingy! Isn't that the tits!

I like neat little doohickey thingamabob whachamcallit chingaderas!

I'd really like to credit where much credit is really due. Pam from Pamibe did all the banner designs at the top, one at the bottom of the sidebar, the banners on the comments and trackback pages, and the banners on the archive pages. She even re-worked them for me after I gave her the wrong sizes because she didn't like the way they looked stretched out. And didn't complain a single time!

They are simply fantastic looking, don't you think? She also designed the logo for Dana's Bloggers With Boobies cult little group. She sure has a lot of talent for this type of thing.

Over my many years in the nightclub business, I opened 18 locations and had to deal with a bunch of graphic artists. A good 90% of them were complete assholes. They did what they wanted and thought looked good and fuck me, and they will get the work done when the spirit moved them. Well, Pam is as good as the best of them were and better than most. I am really just too impressed with the quality of her designs, the speed at which she did them, and her attitude about the whole project. I cannot thank her enough for what she did.

Well, with so many cool banner/logo thingys, I needed to show them off to both of my regular readers. I remembered that Jeff at BigStick.US has some rotating banners. So, I bribed confered and cajoled and trashed some of his trolls and he sold shared his code with me. He walked me through the install and a sizing issue while we were on an IM session. Presto-chango coding 101! Jeff also has a neat skinning script in his sidebar with some pretty good stylesheets. He even has one as a tribute to Frnak!

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you to both of them for helping me out. Now go over to their sites and tell them how cool they are!! Tell them Willie sent ya!

You Asked, The Bartender Answered

Well, my Interview with Jen is finally up. The answers to all the deep and probing questions of a lifetime of alcohol and drug abuse. Damn, she didn't give me much time to be the smart-ass fucker that I usually am. But, it was fun anyway.

If you haven't had an interview yet, go get signed up and take your beatin like a real man!

Who Would You Kill?

If you were a writer on the Star Trek TV series, who would you kill off? Why? How?

I would kill off those fuzzy, loveable little tribbles. They were the worst excuse for bad guys ever! And that episode, although always voted as one of the fan favorites, totally sucked. Where was Space Babe Helen for Kirk to hit on for a piece of space ass? Where was Ensign Dead Meat and how did he die? Where was the ugly alien mofo that Kirk kicks the shit out of? I mean... fuck a tribble. What the g-ddamn hell was a tribble anyway? Just a furry piece of crap that could only eat, shit, and fuck. They should have been crushed with a sledge hammer and then beamed out into the cold vaccum of deep space, never to be seen or heard from again. The same goes for that goofy jerk-off who brought the fucking things to the Enterprise in the first place! [In space, no one can hear you scream.] However, in his next appearance, he brought three really hot space babes in really short skirts to the Enterprise for the Captain! So, maybe we give him a pass on beaming him out, but we still smash his balls with the sledge hammer!

Check out these characters and their horrible demises that their fans, and we use this term very loosely, have plotted for them!

Click down to see the current tally of who gets killed and how many times they die a gruesome death!

Then, link on over to the site and read about the various ways Star Trek fans have killed off their least favorite characters! [For some strange reason, Uhura always seems to be involved in a kinky sex scene with Capt Kirk... what's up with that?]

               

Last Call »

You Asked, Jim Answers

You asked and Jim Answered.

Jennifer's Interview with Jim from Snooze Button Dreams is up now. Go read it... Find out about the sex thing with Helen!

Dr Phil's Test

Below is Dr. Phil's test. (Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah-she got a 38.) Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out. Read on, this is very interesting!

Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends.

The person who sent it placed their score in the subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends. (send it back to the person who sent it to you)

Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now...... not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 simple questions, so...... grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers.

Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When you are finished, forward this to everyone you know, and also send it to the person who sent this to you. Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box. Ready??

Begin...

Survivor: Blog Edition

It looks like Don at Anger Management has the tentative schedule lined up for his contest, Survivor: Blog Edition. Below is a recap of where to find the pertinent information:

Survivor: Schedule

Survivor: The Slogan

Survivor: The Rules

Survivor: The Announcement

I've browsed the rules and contest outline, and if it's anywhere near the quality of work that Don does with his blog writing, it's sure to be a Home Run! it looks like a real interesting project with blogger participation in the voting and possiblities galore for skill, daring and knowledge (not to mention cunning behind the scenes deal making and sabotage)! Go check it out and keep an eye and ear open for more announcements regarding the final blog site, rules, contestants, etc.

Good Luck, Don!

You Ask, Susie Questions

You Ask, Susie Will Answer....

But not without any questions. Jennifer is still taking questions for Susie's interview, so get with the program and send your questions to JenLars.

Bonfire of The Vanities

Kevin's got this week's Bonfire a blazin'!

I even see an entry for Venomous Kate! Has anyone ever used the Psuedodictionary? It's a funny as hell deal when you put together an entire post and scatter a bunch of the terminology throughout it. Kate seems to get a lot of milage out of it ever time she does one.

Go over and read the Bonfire entries and especially read Kate's entry!

Google Freak

Hey... I told you about my Google Freak that is always searching lion sleeps tonight with different combinations of other words...

Well, go check out my referral logs in my site meter! The freak has 9 searches already today! I mean, what is with that?

I just checked the details on the referral log and they are all different IP addresses... so, can anyone tell me what the fjuck... is this one person searching... or a whole friggin group looking for something... if it's one person, you would think they would have found what they were looking for on my site by now... or would have at least bookmarked it so they wouldn't have to do the search every time... weird... just plain weird.

Hunting The Halloween Snark

Venomous Kate has the Halloween Edition of the Snark Hunt posted. Her weekly Snark Hunt was one of the first things I read regularly in the blogosphere. It always has some funny stuff and this week is no exception. After you're finished reading the rest of MY STUFF, come back up here a slink over to Electric Venom!

Cheers!

Googling for Dollars

I've been looking throught the referrer logs to see what people are searching for when they run across Madfish Willie's. Some of this crap is too funny. How does one associate these search terms with my site? Plus there is one anal retentive guy that is stuck on "lion sleeps tonight" - every day, two or three hits for that search term. I wonder... what's up with that?

Here are terms that people google and yahoo search and Madfish Willie's is returned as a hit:

• Usual saloon names


• lion sleeps tonight + movie + hippo


• singing hippo + dancing dog + lions sleeps tonight


• hippo + lion sleeps tonight - #2


• cold remedy + bloody mary


• sodering for dummies


• picasso's favorite dish


• recipe rosarita fish taco


• baby elephant cheers drunk


• halloween costume ideas


• halloween costume idea college posting


• costume saloon bartender


• pumpkin carving that look like throwing up


• cookie in finnish


• recipe rosarita fish taco


• hypnotic drink manufacturer


• drunk as cooter brown


• slut bimbo chewy


• adult cartoon cure sore throat


• hairy buffalo punch recipe fresh fruit - #23


• halloween butter sex - #15


• show off your willie and boobs - #10


• yucatan liquor stand owned by - #3


• fucked up halloween costume ideas - #2


• saloon pics alcohol - #2


• bart on the road homer "why can't you" - #1


• banana dacquiri recipe - #1


• spokeless rim pics - #1


• asshat turd burglar - #1


• shithead hall of fame

How did I get to be number one search for Asshat Turd Burglar?

How the hell did Madfish Willie's get into the Shithead Hall of Fame?

Cheers!

Jokes From Mom

My mom gets all these stupid jokes and crap in e-mail from one of her friends.

I saw this over at Aimless Forrest and it gave me a chance to post my mom's joke and get it off my computer.

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

GUYnecologist

When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.

Send this to all the men just to annoy them.

What? No Friggin' Tip?

This is what happens when you don't leave a tip for The Bartender!

Thanks to Dizzy Girl at Aimless Forrest.

Adios Blogspot!!

Well, I'm finally making the move to MT with the Munuviana group. This will be my final post at this site.

My new address will be http://MadishWillies.mu.nu/ or Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon.

While I personally never had any problems here with Blogger and Blog*Spot, there is just a more robust feature set to not make the move. My file archives will still be here for the time being until Pixy Misa or someone over at Munuviana can assist me in moving them to the new server. I guess I'll keep this address for backup and emergencies - whatever that might be.

Cheers!

Fuck You!

I have a horrible habit that I cannot seem to break. I cuss worse than a sailor. As a matter of fact, sailors run the other way when they hear me coming. Shit, crap, piss, bitch, prick, cock-sucker, muther-fucker, asshole, fuck, dick,...

When I ran across this article, it was too good not to share with everyone, that is unless Jennifer hasn't already done it.

The Historical Origin Of The Middle Finger

by Rich Dunn

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

Fuck You! and Fuck You!

Comments?

Comments? We don't leave no stinkin comments!

What's the deal with people never leaving comments to my stuff? It's not funny? You don't like it? You hate my guts?

Maybe I'm just weird, but when I go to a site and browse around and read stuff, I leave a footprint so the blogger knew that I was there. Shit, say something... anything... hi... bye... good morning... fuck you! I expect the usual suspects to follow up on this and leave me the obligatory FY in the comments and I have a comment for you: Bite Me!

Just wonderin, s'all!

Cheers!

You Asked, Jen Answers

It looks like The Nanopundit has turned the tables and interviewed the lovely Jennifer.

These blogger interviews are a really good idea and Jennifer's execution of it is outstanding.

My interview is in the que over at Jennifer's History & Stuff. I hope I can be as funny as Bad Money, my Blogfather or Blackfive, my Blog Uncle.

Cheers!

Venomous Kate

Venomous Kate leaps tall buildings and overcomes sickness and all other obstacles to give us another edition of The Hunting Of The Snark.

I've been working on my move over to MT at Munuviana this week-end, and I haven't had time to read most of them, but I saw some familiar tracks over there: Bad Money, Blackfive, Madfish Willie, Paige's Page, Snooze Button Dreams are on my regular reading lists.

I don't know about anybody else, but I get all giddy when I see my site mentioned by one of the Mortal Humans. Plus I get a shitload of traffic (which is slightly less than a buttload of traffic). I love getting a Kate-alanche or a Rumble-lanche.

Cheers!

Blackfive's Interview

Blackfive's Interview with Jennifer is up! Go over and find what drives Madfish Willie's blog uncle and Charter Member of The Corner of the Bar Gang!

So run, don't walk, over there right now, and check it out. See if you tell what what question(s) Madfish Willie had for him!

Cheers!

The Star Wars Drinking Game

The Star Wars Drinking Game

Madfish Willie has a huge repertoire of drinking games! Some of them suck, and some of them are pretty good. Some of them are new and some of them you already know. I'll post the best one's around, starting with this one with a Star Wars theme. I'm kinda of a Sci-Fi fan and everybody likes the original Star Wars trilogy, so here goes:

The Ultimate Blogger Cocktail Recipe

The Ultimate Blogger Cocktail Recipe Contest:

• Contest is open to anyone (prefer you to have a blog - but will consider all entries).


• You may enter as many times as you wish.


• Send me your favorite cocktail recipe (either in comments or e-mail me)


• Give it a name relating to your blog.


• All recipes posted on Friday, October 24.


• Style points for recipe originality.


• Style points for drink title originality.


• I will determine top 10 recipes.


• My decision for top 10 is final.


• I will post a Poll Host poll at the top of my blog for 1 week.


• Vote 1x per day till Thursday, October 30.


• Winner is entry with most votes posted on Poll Host by blog readers.


• Winner announced on Friday, October 31.

Update: There are some good new entries today, so go check it out!

Your First Drink

Remember the first drink you ever took? (With your parents doesn't count - sneaking out is where it's at!)

How about the first time you got drunk?...

The first bar you were ever in?...

The first bar you ever got thrown out of?...

Madfish Willie remembers all of that stuff! And he wants to hear your stories of "The First Time". Post your stories and send me a link via e-mail and Madfish Willie's will distribute some Drinky Links and he will tell you Tales of The First Time from his own adventures!

He has four tall tales to tell and will tell a tale when he gets some posts to link to!

He is particularly interested in tales from The Corner of The Bar Gang and The Corner of The Bar Babes!!

Maybe we'll even make a contest on who has the funniest tales! If Madfish Willie gets five posts on a particular First Time, we'll post all the links and let the readers decide who was funniest!

What does the winner get? Winner gets to be the featured star of a one of The Continuing Adventures of Madfish Willie stories, with gratuitous linkage and multiple posts!

Cheers!

Virtual Music

Tonight's playlist is from SilverBlue, Madfish Willie's very own Virtual Disc Jockey. It is titled: The Cheating Time

Tonight's playlist, includes:

Eagles - Lyin' Eyes
Lorrie Morgan - I Guess You Had To Be There
Eurythmics - Who's That Girl?
Roxette - What's She Like?
Garth Brooks - The Thunder Rolls
Reba McEntire - Ring On Her Finger (Time On Her Hands)
Randy Travis - Reasons I Cheat
Shania Twain - Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?
Cathy Dennis - You Lied To Me
Timi Yuro - Something Bad On My Mind
Maureen McGregor - Torn Between Two Lovers
Bananarama - Last Thing On My Mind
Lara Fabian or Josh Groban - Broken Vow
Samantha Fox - Another Woman (Too Many People)
Crystal Gayle - Talking In Your Sleep
Barbara Mandrell - If Loving You Is Wrong (I Don't Wanna Be Right)

Cheers!