Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it ?
Kang A Roo: Nothing, it just let out a little wine !
Harv E Roo: How can you tell if there is an elephant in your dessert ?
Kang A Roo: You get very lumpy ice cream !
Harv E Roo: Why are elephants wiser than chickens ?
Kang A Roo: Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant ?!
Harv E Roo: Why do elephants eat raw food ?
Kang A Roo: Because they don't know how to cook !
Harv E Roo: Have you heard about the elephant that went on a crash diet ?
Kang A Roo: He wrecked three cars, a bus and two fire engines !
Harv E Roo: Why did the elephant eat the candle ?
Kang A Roo: For light refreshment !
Harv E Roo: What do you do with a green elephant ?
Kang A Roo: Wait till it ripens !
Harv E Roo: When should you feed milk to a baby elephant ?
Kang A Roo: When it's a baby elephant !
Harv E Roo: How do you know that peanuts are fattening ?
Kang A Roo: Have you ever seen a skinny elephant ?
Harv E Roo: What do you call an elephant that can't do sums ?
Kang A Roo: Dumbo !
3 Little Words
[Originally posted on October 10, 2003]
3 little words that will get guys slapped!
By Margot Carmichael Lester
If only there were a switch men could flip before they opened their mouths and said something completely off-putting. If only someone could invent an early warning system to reside in men's minds and alert them before they uttered something inane or offensive. Why aren't the big brains working on that?
Now, I'm not saying that women are always articulate. I'm not saying we never take a verbal misstep that can send a fella running screaming from the room. But after years of study, it appears to me that men are more likely than women to run off at the mouth in the most unflattering ways.
So until someone figures out how to keep gents from going off half-cocked, as it were, I offer these 10 dodgey lines as examples of what to avoid:
1. "Come here often?" Please. This is so hackneyed that even if you actually want to know, it's going to send the wrong signal. All this line does is make you appear totally incapable of an original thought.
2. "Are those real?" Curiosity killed the cat. It also just killed your chances with her, unless she's a total bimbo.
"The rule of thumb should be, 'If you have to ask, the answer is probably no,'" counsels Becky, 33. "And you should never ask. Wait for your chance to find out first-hand."
3. "What's your sign?" Hello? It's the 21st century. You're probably still wearing that nifty polyester disco suit or a turtleneck sweater and belted leather jacket. Unless you're at a theme party or a retro bar, this line screams, "Hi, I'm a walking cliché."
4. "My wife's away." Quick. Duck and cover.
"This line — and the guy who says it — is an accident waiting to happen," quips Magda, 43.
5. "Are you pregnant?" Nothing good will come from this — ever.
6. "Who's your daddy?" Someone please retire this one.
"Where do guys get the idea that women dig this line?" wonders Trina, 29. "Have you ever met a women who gets turned on by it? Of course not!"
The Bartender says: I don't see what's wrong with #6... at the right time, in the right place. Hehehe!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »I Love You...
How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....
English
I Love You
Spanish
Te Amo
French
Je T'aime
German
lch Liebe Dich
Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu
Italian
Ti Amo
Chinese
Wo Ai Ni
Swedish
Jag Alskar
Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida
Nice Ass, Get in the truck
Thanks to Pam for the e-mail!
Bullshit so far »Cheating Wife
From the file of ZooAss...
Cheating WifeBullshit so far »"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant. "You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," replies the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," replies the defendant.
"Then my question to you is," demands the prosecutor, "why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?"
"It seemed easier," the defendant says, "than shooting a different man every day!"
The Ultimate Salsa
[Originally posted on October 10, 2003]
The Ultimate Salsa recipe is from the Yucatan Liquor Stand in Oklahoma City (now closed). This is a 15 gallon quantity recipe, so you will have adjust proportions.
Ingredients:
2 case #10 can - Heinz Garlic & Herb Diced Tomatoes
5 lbs fresh Jalepeno Peppers
1 case #10 can Hunts Tomato Juice
2 #10 cans Ketchup
5 lbs White Onions - diced
5-6 bunches of fresh Cilantro
1 cup Cracked Black Pepper
.5 cup Cumin
4 cups McCormicks California Style Garlic Salt
1 Buttload of quality dipping style Tortilla ChipsPreparation:
Pour diced tomatos, tomato juice, and ketchup into large mixing bowl. Add cracked black pepper, cumin, and garlic salt into mixture and mix thoroughly by hand. Cut stems off jalepeno peppers and discard. Chop jalepeno peppers and place into mixture. Dice onions and place into mixture. Finely chop cilantro and place into mixture. Mix all ingredients until well blended. Place in large covered bowl and refrigerate. Best served cold.This will give you a Thick & Chunky Ultimate Salsa.
Variations:
Regular Ultimate Salsa: use a mechanical blender to dice onions and cilantro before adding to mixture. You can also increase the proportion of tomato juice and possibly add some Real Lemon to thin the mixture.
Extra Spicy Ultimate Salsa: subsitute a hotter pepper for jalepeno or add the hotter pepper to this recipe. Cayenne pepper can also be added to "kick it up a notch".
The Bartender says: I apologize for my lack of proper proportions. Actually, I thought I had lost this recipe years ago, but I found it in my book on HTML code! Bingo!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »» Ambient Irony links with: Carnival Of The Vanities
High Tech
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing on the back of his hand as if it's a telephone. He then flips his hand over and starts talking into his palm. The bartender walks over and tells the guy it's a tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos.
"You don't understand," the man says. "I'm very high tech. I've had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying a cell."
"Prove it!"
So the guy dials up a number and presents his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation.
"That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah," says the guy. "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"
The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and five, ten, twenty minutes go by. Fearing the worst given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. The guy is spread-eagled against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.
"Oh my god!" says the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy casually turns around and says, "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."
Bullshit so far »
Limericks for Winos
From the files of Naughty Limericks...
Submitted By:Papa Johnny
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
Bullshit so far »
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What is the difference between an elephant and a flea?
Kang A Roo: An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants !
Harv E Roo: Why did the elephant paint his toenails red ?
Kang A Roo: So he could hide in the cherry tree !
Harv E Roo: How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed ?
Kang A Roo: When your nose touches the ceiling !
Harv E Roo: What do you call an elephant that flies ?
Kang A Roo: A jumbo jet !
Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo ?
Kang A Roo: Big holes all over Australia !
Harv E Roo: How does an elephant get down from a tree ?
Kang A Roo: He sits on a leaf and waits till autumn !
Harv E Roo: Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours?
Kang A Roo: Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box !
Harv E Roo: Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool ?
Kang A Roo: Because they couldn't hold their trunks up !
Harv E Roo: What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence ?
Kang A Roo: Time to fix the fence !
Harv E Roo: Why does an elephant wear sneakers ?
Kang A Roo: So that he can sneak up on mice !
Drunk Driver
From the files of ZooAss...
Drunk DriverBullshit so far »
Eric was out, driving happily along in his car late one Wednesday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over.The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"
"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."
Limericks for Winos
From the files of Naughty Limericks...
Submitted By:R. Guptill
There once was a pirate (the story relates)
who liked to go dancing on roller skates.
He fell on his cutlass
which rendered him nutless
and virtually useless on dates.
Bullshit so far »
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What do you call someone with an elephant on their head ?
Kang A Roo: Squashed !
Harv E Roo: How to elephants talk to each other ?
Kang A Roo: By 'elephone !
Harv E Roo: What did the zoo keeper say when he saw four elephants walking over the hill towards him wearing sunglasses ?
Kang A Roo: Nothing, he didn't recognize them !
Harv E Roo: When do elephants have 8 feet ?
Kang A Roo: When there are two of them !
Harv E Roo: What do you give an elephant with big feet ?
Kang A Roo: Plenty of room !
Harv E Roo: Why did the elephant walk on two feet ?
Kang A Roo: To give the ants a chance !
Harv E Roo: Why do elephants have trunks ?
Kang A Roo: Because they've no pockets to put things in !
Harv E Roo: What animals were last to leave the ark ?
Kang A Roo: The elephants as they had to pack their trunks !
Harv E Roo: What would happen if an elephant sat in front of you at the movies ?
Kang A Roo: You would miss most of the film !
Harv E Roo: A man was sprinkling some white powder on his lawn.
Kang A Roo: "Why are you doing that ?" asked his neighbour.
Harv E Roo: "It's to keep the elephants off the grass", he replied.
Kang A Roo: "But we don't get elephants round here!"
Harv E Roo: "I know - good stuff isn't it !"
Wedding Night Woe
Form the files of ZooAss...
A married couple is about to have sex for the first time on their wedding night.Bullshit so far »They start to undress, and the husband removes his shoes. The wife notices something frightful about his feet.
"Oh my goodness! What happened to your toes?" she exclaimed.
"I have tolio," he said.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"Well, it's kind of like polio except it only affects your toes."
The husband then removes his pants.
"Oh my gosh!" the wife exclaimed again. "What happened to your knees?"
"I have kneesles. It's kind of like measles except it only affects your knees."
The husband finally takes off his underwear.
The wife says, "Wait, let me guess, smallcox."
Onestone [OneHungLow]
A joke from my buddy Pam... At least there's a story with this moral!!
Onestone
This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle.
After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning
Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest and there he made love to her all day, he made love to her all night, he made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant business.
Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after many years away.
Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of the story?
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
A Man Walks Into A Bar...
An Irishman, an Englishman, a Polish man, 2 lesbians, 4 lawyers, 5 politicians, Santa Clause, a blonde, an Australian and a Chihuahua walk into a bar... the bartender says: "What is this? Some kind of joke?!"
Bullshit so far »
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: Why don't elephants like playing cards in the jungle ?
Kang A Roo: Because of all the cheetahs !
Harv E Roo: What do you call a elephant that never washes ?
Kang A Roo: A smellyphant !
Harv E Roo: What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear ?
Kang A Roo: Anything you want as he can't hear you !
Harv E Roo: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun ?
Kang A Roo: Sir !
Harv E Roo: What can an elephant with a machine gun call you ?
Kang A Roo: Anything he likes !
Harv E Roo: What do you call an elephant that's small and pink ?
Kang A Roo: A failure !
Harv E Roo: What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court ?
Kang A Roo: Annette !
Harv E Roo: What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night ?
Kang A Roo: Russell !
Harv E Roo: What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it's sweater ?
Kang A Roo: Warren !
Harv E Roo: What do you call the rabbit up the elephant's sweater ?
Kang A Roo: Terrified !
The Life & Times of Madfish Willie
I was boarding an airplane the other day and finally made it past all the rest of the idiots to my seat. As I settled in, I glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. I soon realized that she is headed straight toward my seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washed over me.
Low and behold, she takes the seat right beside mine. Anxious to strike up a conversation, I blurt out, "So where are you flying to today?" She turns and smiles and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
Whoa! I swallowed hard and was instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen, sitting right next to me, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain my outward cool, I calmly asked, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flips her long hair back, turns to me, looks into my eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", I said, swallowing hard, again. "And what myths are those?" She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."
"Very interesting" I responded. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name." I extended my hand and replied, "Tonto, Tonto Goldstein."
Bullshit so far »
Limericks for Winos
From the files of Allan Kitching
There was a young fellow named perkin
Who was always jerkin his gherkin
His father said perkin
Stop jerkin your gherkin
Your gherkins fer ferkin not jerkin
Bullshit so far »
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it ?
Kang A Roo: Nothing, it just let out a little wine !
Harv E Roo: How can you tell if there is an elephant in your dessert ?
Kang A Roo: You get very lumpy ice cream !
Harv E Roo: Why are elephants wiser than chickens ?
Kang A Roo: Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant ?!
Harv E Roo: Why do elephants eat raw food ?
Kang A Roo: Because they don't know how to cook !
Harv E Roo: Have you heard about the elephant that went on a crash diet ?
Kang A Roo: He wrecked three cars, a bus and two fire engines !
Harv E Roo: Why did the elephant eat the candle ?
Kang A Roo: For light refreshment !
Harv E Roo: What do you do with a green elephant ?
Kang A Roo: Wait till it ripens !
Harv E Roo: When should you feed milk to a baby elephant ?
Kang A Roo: When it's a baby elephant !
Harv E Roo: How do you know that peanuts are fattening ?
Kang A Roo: Have you ever seen a skinny elephant ?
Harv E Roo: What do you call an elephant that can't do sums ?
Kang A Roo: Dumbo !
New Brews
New skins up in the sidebar...
[UPDATE: Check out Firecracker Weird!]
First is Firecracker. I started this one as a tribute/rip-off of Wizbang. I wanted to put the big firecracker explosion over on the right hand side at the top of the links. It looked pretty crappy so I used the image as a background for the date and sidetitle divs. Then I used a 1px outline to make it pop off the black background a little better. I re-worked my banner image to stretch all the way across the page up to 1290px wide. I aligned the image right top, no-repeat and it looks great. It would look better, I think, with a text banner instead of my banner images, but they still look ok for a skin.
Next is Purple Fog. I found this really cool image for trees and fog shot through a purple filter. It's a pretty large image so I aligned it right bottom and fixed. Then, I grabbed a color off the background, ran it through my disgronifier and got 10 shades to work with. I used a combination of the color scheme to make the date and sidetitle divs look like raised buttons. I used white backgrounds and opacity settings of .60 for the blogbody and side divs so you could see the page background image through the posts and links. The date and sidetitle divs I set as full opacity so it gives a better visual clue to the page divisions. The only thing about opacity settings I don't like, is that I haven't figured out how to make the embedded images 100%... yet.
I designed these skins for full screen viewing at 1280x1024. Both designs degrade gracefully down to 800x600. I haven't checked then in IE yet as IE sucks and is not CSS standards compliant. They both look great in Mozilla 1.6 though.
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
Life & Times of Madfish Willie
Eric rolls into Madfish Willie's last night, but Madfish Willie refused to serve him. "You've had too much to drink," he said. "I'm not serving you." Five minutes later, Eric came in again. Madfish stood firm. "There's no way I'm serving you more alcohol. You've had more than enough already." Five minutes later, the doors opened and Eric lurched in once more. "Look," said Madfish, "I'm not serving you. You're too drunk." Eric nodded. "I guess I must be, " he said. "The last two places said the same thing."
Bullshit so far »Cool Images
Bullshit so far »
» Physics Geek links with: It's time for some linky love
Limericks for Winos
From the files of Naughty Limericks...
Submitted By: Bad Girl
There once was a man from Madrass
Who's balls were constructed of brass
When jangled together
They played stormy weather
And lightening shot out of his ass!
Bullshit so far »
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper ?
Kang A Roo: You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant !
Harv E Roo: What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days ?
Kang A Roo: One is a weak one and the other one week !
Harv E Roo: What's the difference between an elephant and a banana ?
Kang A Roo: Have you ever tried to peel an elephant ?
Harv E Roo: Why are elephants grey ?
Kang A Roo: So you can tell them from flamingos !
Harv E Roo: My Elephant isn't well, do you know a good animal doctor ?
Kang A Roo: No, all the doctors I know are people !
Harv E Roo: Why do elephants scratch themselves ?
Kang A Roo: Because they're the only ones who know where they itch !
Harv E Roo: What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant ?
Kang A Roo: About 3,000 miles !
Harv E Roo: What's the difference between an elephant and a gooseberry ?
Kang A Roo: A gooseberry is green !
Harv E Roo: What pill would you give to an elephant that can't sleep ?
Kang A Roo: Trunkquilizers !
The Ultimate Insult
[Originally posted on October 9, 2004]
This is what I would say if I had the floor at a Jacques Chirac press conference.
[Drink Alert is in effect for the remainer of this post.]
JACQUES CHIRAC IS A TROLL AND MUST DIE!
Thou hast forsaken me! Mine hatred of thee is pure and all-consuming. Now thou shalt taste the wrath of a Viking unavenged!
Hither and yon, thine creamy center will squish with greater glee than a pair of over-cooked rice balls! Lo, the overly-shiney Tricycle of Death comes to cart thy soul to the Monkey House! I shalt smite thine grandmother's stockings with more force than a polyp-bottomed Hungarian goat-herd on Tuesday! Behold, mine Fists of Justice greet thy face with a dozen roses and an unceremonious root canal! I will pelt thee with little packets of unpronounceable imported cheese! I shall flatten thee until thou can be used to store mine stock portfolio. I shall frappe thine entrails and paint thee tombstone with glitter! I shall force thee to wear thine dog's ass for a feedbag. Ye just wait til mine fuzzy rubber chicken gets through with thee! Odin calls upon Loyal Citizens to rise up and wield your mightiest weapons of destruction against this evil pretender!
[By this time, I'm really pissed off. I really let him have it. I give him The Ultimate Insult]
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
The Ultimate Margarita
[Originally posted on October 9, 2003]
"Basically, this is the concoction that created the Americanos' taste for tequila in the 1960's. Before this, tequila (which is technically a brandy) was best known in Central America and Mexico. Tax records in the Mexican town of Tequila note that 3 barrels of "mezcal wine" had been shipped to Texas in 1873, and American troop in pursuit of Pancho Villa had brought some back in 1916. Still, folks north of the border had not quite taken to the taste of tequila. Even when there was a shortage of gin during World War II, the gringo interest in tequila proved to be nothing more than a flirtation.
Then California college students discovered the Margarita, and the rest (as they say) is history. As for the creation of the drink itself, several bars and bartenders have staked a claim. The Caliente Racetrack in Tijuana boasts of its origin around 1930, as does Bertita's bar in Tasca, Mexico. Later claims have been insisted upon not only by the Garci Crespo Hotel in Puebla, Mexico, around 1936 (where the bartender says he named the drink for his girlfriend), but also by a couple from San Antonio, Texas, who spent many an hour wasting away during the 1950's at the bar of the Flamingo Hotel in Acapulco, where they owned a home. (Her name, of course, was Margarita.) And not to be denied a piece of the legend is an LA restaurant called The Tale of the Cock, where they claim to have created this recipe first during the Eisenhower Administration.
But the most documented story comes from Danny Herrera, who owned Rancho La Gloria between Rosarito Beach and Tijuana. In the late 1940's, a showgirl named Marjorie King stopped there often, and she had a drinking "problem" of sorts: she was allergic to every form of booze except tequila, which she needed mixed. Among the many tequila experiments that Danny Herrera tried was a concoction consisting of 3 parts white tequila, 2 parts Cointreau, and 1 part fresh lemon juice. These he shook together in a container of shaved ice, then served up in a short stemmed glass rimmed with lemon juice and salt. This she liked, and so he gave the drink the Spanish name for Marjorie: Margarita."
Recipe:Add completed Frozen Margarita to Frozen Strawberry Dacquiri for a Frozen Strawberry Margarita. Note: For the ultimate presentation of FSM alternate pouring Frozen Strawberry Dacquiri then Frozen Margarita into tall stemmed sugar rimmed glass giving you a layered or swirled appearance. Garnish with large strawberry, lime wheel, and insert milk straw.
1 1/2 oz. Cuervo Gold Tequila
3/4 oz. Cointreau
Splash of Sour Mix
Fresh sqeezed lime juice
Lime wedge
Lime wheelPreparation:
Prepare salted rim glass (see below) before mixing cocktail. Pour ingredients into mixing glass over ice. Shake vigorously for several seconds - you should have a frothy mix when complete. Pour with ice (on the rocks) into salted rim glass or strain and serve (straight up) in salted rim glass.Presentation:
Moisten rim of tall stemmed glass. The best way to do this is to wet a sponge and push the rim of the glass onto the surface of the sponge. Dip rim of glass into a pile of Kosher salt. You should have a thick line of salt on the rim. Your mixture should be filled up to right below the salted rim. Sqeeze lime wedge into drink and throw rind away. Garnish with lime wheel.Variations:
Add more sweet-n-sour mix and blend with ice for a Frozen Margarita. Pour into tall, stemmed, salt rimmed glass. Garnish with lime wheel and insert milk straw.
Cheers!
Corner of The Bar Gang
Madfish Willie's is proud to present a new member of The Corner Of The Bar Gang. Since that stingy fucker Harvey refuses to blogroll him, I thought Madfish Willie's should do something for Mr Dave.
A regular reader (according to Sitemeter), HeadChair is now annointed with all the privileges and responsibilities accorded to the members of Madfish Willie's Corner of The Bar Gang.
Here is the key to The Champagne Room. Remember... there is NO SEX in The Champagne Room.
Now everyone go over and harass welcome Dave for the next couple of days.
Bullshit so far »
» HeadChair links with: Bits and Bytes: A look around blogville
Irish Toast
Courtesy of Pam, cragerized for your enjoyment.
Matty O'Blackfive, in the local pub, hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" Matty said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, Matty!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of Matty's toasting buddies, Harvey, on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Matty won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
-thumb.jpg)
Circle Jerk
Hehe... Madfish Willie and Eric are having a classic circle jerk. Be sure to scroll down and read through the comments.
Bullshit so far »
Limericks for Winos
From the files of Papa Johnny
There once was a Bishop of TreetBullshit so far »
Who decided to be indiscreet,
But after one round
To his horror he found
You repeat, and repeat, and repeat.
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What's grey and lights up ?
Kang A Roo: An electric elephant !
Harv E Roo: What's grey but turns red ?
Kang A Roo: An embarrassed elephant !
Harv E Roo: What's grey, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when your ill ?
Kang A Roo: A get wellephant !
Harv E Roo: What' s big and grey with horns ?
Kang A Roo: An elephant marching band !
Harv E Roo: What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants ?
Kang A Roo: The tusk fairy !
Harv E Roo: What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers ?
Kang A Roo: Cinderelephant !
Harv E Roo: What's the difference between an injured elephant and bad weather ?
Kang A Roo: One roars with pain and the other pours with rain !
Harv E Roo: What's the difference between an elephant and a post box ?
Kang A Roo: I don't know !
Harv E Roo: Well I'm not asking you to post my letters !
Harv E Roo: What's the difference between an elephant and a bad pupil ?
Kang A Roo: One rarely bites and the other barely writes !
Harv E Roo: How to you tell the difference between an elephant and a mouse ?
Kang A Roo: Try picking them up !
-thumb.jpg)
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What's big and grey and protects you from the rain ?
Kang A Roo: An umbrellaphant !
Harv E Roo: What's big and grey and has 16 wheels ?
Kang A Roo: An elephant on roller skates !
Harv E Roo: What's big, grey and flies straight up ?
Kang A Roo: An elecopter !
Harv E Roo: What' s grey, has four legs and jumps up and down ?
Kang A Roo: An elephant on a trampoline !
Harv E Roo: What weighs 4 tons and is bright red ?
Kang A Roo: An elephant holding its breath !
Harv E Roo: What's blue and has big ears ?
Kang A Roo: An elephant at the North Pole !
Harv E Roo: What's grey and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds ?
Kang A Roo: An elephant with hiccups !
Harv E Roo: What goes up slowly and comes down quickly ?
Kang A Roo: An elephant in a lift !
Harv E Roo: What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet ?
Kang A Roo: An elephant with spare parts !
Harv E Roo: What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing ?
Kang A Roo: An elephant's shadow !
Limericks for Winos
From the files of Deirdre Kinney
There once was a man from Bel Air,Bullshit so far »
Who was doing his girl on the stair.
When the banister broke,
He doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.
Life & Times of Madfish Willie
Madfish Willie discovered a wild dog in an icy cave during an important business meeting because his head hurt and banged his head on a wall which caused an avalanche, he stole a car and as if it were a miracle he escaped narrowly and hitch-hiked all the way home.
Bullshit so far »Visit to the Drug Store
A man Blackfive walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
Blackfive matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
Blackfive replies, "Those are for high-school boys Eric. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy.
He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men Madfish Willie," Blackfive answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy.
"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, Blackfive replies, "Those are for married men Harvey. One for January, one for February, one for..."
» Straight White Guy links with: A Damn Lie...
Best of Madfish Willie
[Originally posted on October 8, 2003]
Wednesday Happy Hour
Moe's Toast...
"May you live as long as you like,
And have all you like as long as you live."
Bart's Prank Call[Bart with Lisa and Maggie]
Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!
[Marge picks up the extension and hears:]
Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!
Harvey finally comes across with some big cabbage for the Tip Jar. I was just fixin ta aks ya what the hell, dude, where's the beef? Now you're talking, daddio! [reaches up and pulls the high roller tip bell...repeatedly] Update: Some son-of-a-bitch came and swiped my $20 bill out of the Tip Jar. Friggin' rotten, thievin, bastards!
Stop looking at my TITS! Jim at Snooze Button Dreams has the answer to one of the mankind's deepest mysteries .
One burning question has lingered in the thoughts of women across the world since the very beginning of civilization. "Why the hell are guys like that?" Or more specifically, "Why can't I have a rational conversation with a guy without him looking at my boobs every five seconds or having his eyes glaze over as he strokes his mental stiffy with thoughts of me in a naughty French maid outfit, two nipple clamps and a short but firm whip?"Helen has some advice. When you take your lady to the bar, keep your eyes in your head and take the swivel out of your neck. And don't be lookin around the room when she's in the john with all her friends. She'll sneak up behind you and smack the crap out of you. Then all the shit hits the fan and I have to come over there and throw everybody out. Be warned!
Beat me, beat me, whip me till I bleed!
Beam Me Up Scotty! Ever talk to a computer?< Go check out A.L.I.C.E. and "talk" to this Artificial Intelligence bot. I jacked around with it the other day, but couldn't talk her into to coming over for any wild trick f***ing.
Coming Soon: The History of Beer
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Tech Support - Pullquotes
From Susie, from SilverBlue, from KiwiFruit, from Mandarin Design
Pullquotes...
I've seen several sites over the last few days using a neat little CSS formatting trick to display pullquotes like a magazine. Here is a screen cap of my at MadLab test site
I set mine up in my stylesheet. See the extended entry for the code I used. I have included the code for a left float pullquote and a right float pullquote.
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
The Ultimate Bloody Mary
[Originally posted on October 8, 2003]
Today's recipe from the The Professional Mixologist Recipe Guide is The Bartender's very own creation and damn near as good as The Ultimate Martini.
This drink hails from Harry's New York Bar in Paris, and was first mixed by "Pete" Petoit. When Pete came back to New York City in the 1930's, he introduced the Red Snapper as America's first Bloody Mary. It was made with Gin, as Vodka was just emerging as a new spirit to American palates. The name may be attributed to Mary Tudor, the daughter of Henry VIII, who was declared illegitimate when Henry divorced her mother in 1532 to marry Anne Boleyn. She had a brief five year tenure as Queen and managed to kill off most of her Protestant adversaries. She was known as "Bloody Mary". Another account is that a patron said it reminded him of a girl named Mary he knew at the Bucket of Blood Club in Chicago. [Follow the link for a good picture of final product]
Ingredients:
1 1/4 oz. Vodka
Worchestershire Sauce - splash or to taste
Tabasco Sauce - splash or to taste
Real Lemon Juice - splash or to taste
Celery Salt - pinch or to taste
Cracked Pepper - pinch or to taste
Kosher salt
Tomato juice
Preparation:
Pour Vodka, Worchestershire sauce, Real Lemon juice, celery salt, cracked pepper, and tomato juice over ice in a mixing glass. Shake mixture enough to consolidate ingredients.Presentation:
Salted rim glass
Stalk of celery - must have small amount of leaves on stalk
Lime wheel
Lime wedge - 1/8 small limeMoisten rim of tall glass. The best way to do this is to wet a sponge and push the rim of the glass onto the surface of the sponge. Dip rim of glass into a pile of Kosher salt. You should have a thick line of salt on the rim. Pour consolidated mixture from mixing glass into beverage glass, leaving enough room to place celery stalk into glass. Take a slice of lime and slit from center out. Place on rim of glass. Squeeze lime wedge onto top of Bloody Mary and discard skin. Your mixture should be filled up to right below the salted rim.
The Bartender says: I used to make this recipe in 5 Gallon quantities, so I'm not sure of the exact quantities for single or multiple cocktails. Just season to taste. Use the thickest tomato juice possible. I used to like Hunts but cannot find it anymore; just don't use the thin, runny stuff. Make sure to use Kosher salt - it has bigger crystals and looks better on the glass.
This recipe is damn near as good as The Ultimate Martini! I do guarantee you the Best Bloody Mary you have ever seen or tasted!
Cheers!
Limericks for Winos
From the files of Naughty Limericks...
Submitted By: Justin Eisele
There once was a man named DanBullshit so far »
He once ate beans from a can
His colon swelled
his wife said oh well
and what rhymes with dan and can?
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: Dad, Mum is fighting with an enormous elephant in the garden !"
Kang A Roo: "Don't worry dear, I'm sure the elephant can look after itself !"
Harv E Roo: My elephants got no trunk ?
Kang A Roo: How does it smell ?
Harv E Roo:Terrible !
Harv E Roo: How are elephants and hippopotanuses alike ?
Kang A Roo: Neither can play basketball !
Harv E Roo: How do you stop an angry elephant from charging ?
Kang A Roo: Take away it's credit cards !
Harv E Roo: What did the baby elephant get when the daddy elephant sneezed ?
Kang A Roo: Out of the way !
Harv E Roo: Why do the elephants have short tails ?
Kang A Roo: Because they can't remember long stories !
Harv E Roo: How to you keep an elephant in suspense ?
Kang A Roo: I'll tell you tomorrow !
Harv E Roo: Why is an elephant braver than a hen ?
Kang A Roo: Because the elephant isn't chicken !
Harv E Roo: What is worse than raining cats and dogs ?
Kang A Roo: Raining elephants !
Harv E Roo: How do you raise a baby elephant ?
Kang A Roo: With a fork lift truck !
Bartender Jokes
A guy walked into a bar.
The bartender said: "You've got a steering wheel down your pants."
"Yeah, I know," said the guy. "It's driving me nuts!"
Bullshit so far »Limericks for Winos
From the files of Naughty Limericks...
Submitted By: Art Burke
There once was a man named Screwy Dick,Bullshit so far »
A man who was born with a spiral prick.
His life was spent in one long hunt
to find the girl with the spiral cunt.
When he found her he dropped dead,
'cause that damn bitch had left hand thread!!!
Life & Times of Madfish Willie
Madfish Willie was friends with an axe murderer after winning the lottery and got 2nd degree burns because he had no sleep the night before and fell violently ill. Madfish Willie just dodged three bullets, he blew up a truck with a hand grenade and while wearing his lucky backpack he got promoted to field marshal.
Bullshit so far »
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What steps would you take if you were being chased by an elephant ?
Kang A Roo: Big ones !
Harv E Roo: What do you find in an elephants graveyard ?
Kang A Roo: Elephantoms !
Harv E Roo: Why do elephants have wrinkly ankes ?
Kang A Roo: Because their shoes are too tight !
Harv E Roo: What is stronger an elephant or a snail ?
Kang A Roo: A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk !
Harv E Roo: What do you do with old cannon balls ?
Kang A Roo: Give them to elephants to use as marbles !
Harv E Roo: What do elephants do in the evenings ?
Kang A Roo: Watch elevision !
Harv E Roo: Who lost a herd of elephants ?
Kang A Roo: Big bo peep !
Harv E Roo: What is an elephants favourite film ?
Kang A Roo: Elephantasia
Harv E Roo: What do elephants say as a compliment ?
Kang A Roo: You look elephantastic !
Harv E Roo: What did the elephant say to the famous detective ?
Kang A Roo: It's ele-mentary, my dear Sherlock !”
Fair & Balanced
From The Schnidtt Show
Contact CBS and tell them to show the full Nick Berg murder. Tell them to show both sides.
Phone: 212.275.4321
Fax: 212.975.1893
Email: Evening@CBS.com
Fucking animals... they need to shown for exactly what they are. They would just as soon this be YOU or, better yet, YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY. There is no talking or negotiating with the barbaric savages who think like this. There is only DEATH! Bullshit so far »
Limericks for Winos
From the files of Naughty Limericks...
Submitted By: Roger Morris
There was a young girl from Cape Cod,Bullshit so far »
Who thought babies came only from God.
T'wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie.
T'was Roger the Lodger by god!
The Beer That Time Forgot
A few years ago a dozen or so of us put our names in for a slow-pitch softball tournament about 100 kilometers away. That means on the road 6 o'clock in the morning with bats and balls and beer. Our first game was 8 o'clock and we started on the beer right away - drinking and hitting and running around. The day was looking good. After that game we went to a little club that was nearby to enjoy some refreshments inside and plot strategy for the next game - who'll pitch, who'll sit out and who'll go get more beer. While we were there Harvey noticed a beer on the top of the cooler easily within reach. So when the owner left the bar for a couple of seconds Harvey ran over, grabbed it and bought it back to the table and started drinking it. We asked how it was and he said it was a bit stale but it was free so you can't complain. Then the owner came back and right away he yelled "WHICH ONE OF YOU TOOK THE GOD DAMN BEER OFF THE COOLER?" We were quiet for a couple of seconds and Harvey said he took it and asked what the big deal was - he'll pay for it. But the owner said it was an old style beer bottle from ten years ago that he was going to put in a display case at the bar. I guess that plan went down the drain. That was our last trip to that bar so I'm not sure what he put in the display case after.Bullshit so far »
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: "I've lost one of my elephants"
Kang A Roo: "Why don't you put an advert in the paper ?"
Harv E Roo: "Don't be silly, he can't read !"
Harv E Roo: What do you do if you find a blue elephant ?
Kang A Roo: Try and cheer him up !
Harv E Roo: Why did the elephant jump in the lake when it began to rain ?
Kang A Roo: To stop getting wet !
Harv E Roo: What is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old ?
Kang A Roo: Six weeks old !
Harv E Roo: What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail ?
Kang A Roo: This is the end of me !
Harv E Roo: "One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle."
Kang A Roo: "Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle !"
Harv E Roo: What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant ?
Kang A Roo: An animal that tells you everything that it remembers !
Harv E Roo: What do elephants sing at christmas ?
Kang A Roo: Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants...
Harv E Roo: Who do elephants get their christmas presents from ?
Kang A Roo: Elephanta Claus !
Harv E Roo: How do you hire an elephant ?
Kang A Roo: Stand it on four bricks !
Limericks for Winos
From the files of Naughty Limericks...
Submitted By: GBlowfish
There once was a Senator from MassBullshit so far »
who was searchin around for a Lass;
He lucked out and found it;
He fucked up and drowned it.
And That was the end of HIS ass!
To dgci With Love
Bullshit so far »
» MadLab links with: Testing Songs
Topless in Atlantic City
This past summer my best friend and I decided that we deserved a "girls night out". We were down by the Jersey shore and started our night at a local bar which featured some good live bands. After a couple of hours and more then a couple of drinks we got bored and headed to Atlantic City. We took the shore roads to get down there stopping at every place that looked interesting to either one of us. Needless to say by the time we got into the city we were totally wasted. My friend parked (sort of) and we staggered into the nearest casino. After some time and several more free drinks we moved back out to the street and wandered around. My friend saw a "strip bar"and convinced me that we should check it out. Inside there were a lot of drunk rowdy men and on stage was a young girl flashing her stuff. The next thing I know there’s my best friend up on stage dancing around and pulling off her blouse. I tried to get her down but somehow (and to this day I still don't remember how) I ended up there with her. We both stripped and danced together until the manager told us we had to get down, the rest of the night guys were buying us drinks and trying to pick us up. When the bar closed at 4a.m. We decided that since we were down there we should go to the beach so drunk as skunks we crawled over there and fell asleep in the sand. The next thing I remember was waking up and after peeling my eyelids apart I woke my friend up and tried to figure out what we had done, you see we were both still topless and our blouses and bras were nowhere to be seen. We had to go onto the boardwalk holding our arms in front of our breasts until we could buy some tee shirts at a stand (the owner gave them to us as we also had lost our purses). We both swore off drinking that day and stayed sober after that. Until the next weekend but that’s another story.Bullshit so far »~Pam
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: Why does a dinosaur have cracks between his toes?
Kang A Roo: To carry his library card.
Harv E Roo: What's the difference between a lemon, a dinosaur and a tube of glue?
Kang A Roo: I give up.
Harv E Roo: You can squeeze a lemon, but you can't squeeze a dinosaur.
Kang A Roo: What about the glue ?
Harv E Roo:That's where you get stuck. Why don't more dinosaurs join the police force?
Kang A Roo: They can't hide behind billboards.
Harv E Roo: Why did the dinosaur walk on two legs?
Kang A Roo: To give the ants a chance.
Harv E Roo: Why is it dangerous to go into the jungle between two and four in the afternoon?
Kang A Roo: That's when dinosaurs are jumping out of palm trees.
Harv E Roo: Why does a dinosaur climb a tree?
Kang A Roo: To get in his nest.
Harv E Roo: What weighs two pounds, is grey and flies?
Kang A Roo: A two pound dinosaur bird.
Harv E Roo: Why do dinosaurs have long toenails on Friday?
Kang A Roo: Because their manicurist doesn't come until Saturday.
Harv E Roo: What did the man say when he saw the dinosaurs coming down the path wearing sunglasses?
Kang A Roo: Nothing! He didn't recognise them.
Harv E Roo: Why don't dinosaurs take ballet lessons?
Kang A Roo: They outgrew their leotards.
I'm Talking To You... Shorty
The Writings on the Stall
Writing 267, via Dan
Emerson Jr Sr High School
Emerson, New Jersey USA 07630
Men's restroom, 1st floor
uoY kcuF
On the wall, opposite the mirror. It's been washed off since.
Bullshit so far »Hangover - Part 1
[Originally posted on Octover 7, 2003]
So you wanna cure a hangover? I found this article a few months ago, and want to share it with you, while giving the appropriate credit the anonymous author(s) at soyouwanna.com
This article has five different sections:
- Understand what alcohol does to your body.
- Prepare for the night out.
- Know what to do while you're drinking.
- Survive the morning after.
- Quaff our ultimate hangover cure.
A nasty hangover is Mother Nature's way of telling you, "Fool, I thought I told you not to drink so much. Now you gonna pay." (Don't ask us why Mother Nature sounds like Mr. T.) Hangovers can completely incapacitate you, giving you an upset stomach, a huge headache, a gross-tasting mouth, and a guilty conscience. So what we've constructed for you are some tips for easing the pain and curing that hangover. We only expect you to use this article once. If you find that you need our help to cure your hangovers every weekend (no matter how happy all those page views will make us), we insist that you contact Alcoholics Anonymous right away. People (especially those in their 20s) usually revel in binge drinking, but it really can be life-threatening.
Understand What Alcohol Does To Your Body
They don't call it intoxication for nothing. Happy juice is poisonous. Put enough of it into your body and you die. What concerns us here, however, is not so much alcohol itself (which we'll take as a given) but the by-products of alcohol, and especially one particularly nasty chemical critter by the name of acetaldehyde. It's got a lot more of the bad kind of kapow, and the latest research suggests that it may be responsible for the worst of your hangover.
Symptoms
After you ingest alcohol, your body breaks it down into (among other things) acetaldehyde, before converting it into less harmful substances. The acetaldehyde messes with your brain at the same time as a host of depleted minerals are short-circuiting your nervous system, and that's in addition to low blood sugar and the classic headache-and-dry-mouth symptoms caused by dehydration. The result: nausea, twitchy nerves, unpleasantness, pessimism, terrible brain pain, and a temporary suspension of the laws of gravity.
The severity of a hangover varies according to . . .
- The amount you've guzzled in a given period of time
- Your own innate enzymatic capacity to deal with the poisons
- Your age
Translation: the more you drink in a short amount of time, the more you'll feel the alcohol. One's weight is also a factor (the less you weigh, the more you'll feel it), as is a genetic predisposition. Finally, the older you get, the more you'll feel the alcohol the next morning. (I was wondering about about. I used to drink like a fish during my college days and never have half the hangover I do now-a-days...The Bartender.)
Prepare for the night out: Coming tomorrow night.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Imperial Animatrix
The Imperial Animatrix has struck again!
Check out the cool new graphics she did for Madfish Willie's.
Hit the [F5] button or refresh your screen to cycle throught the new banner images she did for Madfish Willie's.
This on I'm going to use for my comments and trackbacks.
She does awesome work, don't you think?
Below are a couple of images she is doing for our re-design of Kevin Aylward's Wizbang Tech site. Kevin won the bidding/donation for a site re-design during the recent bloggers Spirit of America fund raising drive.
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
About Madfish Willie
[Originally posted on October 4, 2003]
I worked in the nightclub and restaurant business for right at 20 years. I started at the bottom and worked my way up. I worked as a part time-doorman, barback, bartender, Bar Manager, Assistant Manager, General Manager, Area Supervisor, Quality Control (IG) Inspector, and Director of Operations. I worked in 1,500 sq ft neighbohood joints with jukebox entertainment, mid-size clubs with recorded music and dancing, 25,000 sq ft Country Western Dance Halls with racetrack style dance-floors, and 40,000 sq ft multi-concept Entertainment Complexes with live music. I've booked all types of live music with my favorite being the Classic Concert Series with old rock bands still touring the nightclub circuits. I worked in a Cajun Cafe many of you have probably heard of and possibly eaten at, if you are in a major metropolitan area in Texas. Hell, you've probably been in one of my nightclubs if you are over 25 - might have even seen each other!
I ran every kind of promotion under the sun trying to increase traffic counts and sales. I want to incorporate some of those promotional into this blog to keep it entertaining and fresh, but more about that later.
Primarily, I want this blog to be like dropping in at the corner bar for a couple of cold ones on the way home. I have some ideas on how I want to acheive that atmosphere. I'll talk about drinking, throwing up, beer, whiskey, movies, music, beer, other bars & restaurants, sports, tv (because I want to), beer, tell some jokes, and finally... more beer. Two things we won't talk about, just like two things we don't talk about in bars: Religion & Politics. Starts a fight every time. Besides there are plenty of other places you can discuss those topics, starting with the links on my sidebar. I will also talk about Yellow Dog and Harold (Hey, this is my site) and maybe some cool guy stuff like power tools and cars and stuff.
I have some ideas for weekly satire, trivia contests, holiday parties and pics, and maybe some fund-raising benefits. If you have anything you'd like to see, let me know. If I like it and it doesn't cost too much, we'll do it. After all, you are The Customer!
Wish me luck on my new journey and drop by for some Beers and Bullshittin'!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Bad Example
Well, just finished up the design for fellow MuNuvian Harvey's new blog over Bad Example.
We finally got him off the world's slowest loading blooger list. I used to pull his page up, go grab some coffee, make some breakfast, take a crap, read the paper and then finally his site would be up. And I have a broadband connection.
It's a complete design overhaul. He's got a nice 3 column design with all kinds of thingys & doodads to make the reader experience a little easier. For those visually or harware impaired, we set up a link to a 800x600 view for the main page. If you need to view 800x600 click the littel button and you'll go to a 2 column design with the same content and the two sidebars merges together.
Pam did all the banners (12 to be exact) and we have several of them in a rotating banner script. She really does a great job coming up with new and unique ideas for all the sites she works with.
He's even started to post so I need to give him his first official MuNu trackback.
Go over and tell him to Fuck Off... tell 'em Madfish sent you!
Bullshit so far »
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: Why do dinosaurs have wrinkles in their knees?
Kang A Roo: They stayed in the swimming pool too long.
Harv E Roo: Why do dinosaurs climb trees?
Kang A Roo: There's nothing else to climb in the jungle.
Harv E Roo: How can you tell a male dinosaur from a female dinosaur?
Kang A Roo: Ask it a question. If he answers, it's a male; if she answers, it's female.
Harv E Roo: Why did the dinosaur fall out of a palm tree?
Kang A Roo: A hippopotamus pushed him out.
Harv E Roo: Why do dinosaurs have flat feet?
Kang A Roo: They don't wear sneakers.
Harv E Roo: How can you tell if a dinosaur is visiting your house?
Kang A Roo: His tricycle will be parked outside.
Harv E Roo: Why did the dinosaur lie on his back in the water and stick his feet up?
Kang A Roo: So you could tell he wasn't a bar of soap.
Harv E Roo: Why do dinosaurs wear glasses?
Kang A Roo: To make sure they don't step on other dinosaurs.
Harv E Roo: What do you know when you see three dinosaurs walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
Kang A Roo: You need help. Whoever heard of three dinosaurs walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
Harv E Roo: What's red on the outside and green on the inside?
Kang A Roo: A dinosaur wearing red pajamas.
Limericks for Winos
From the files of Naughty Limericks...
Submitted By:
Roger Morris
There was a young student from Boston,Bullshit so far »
Who drove around in an Austen.
There was room for his ass
and a gallon of gas.
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
Kang A Roo: Because the cow has the udder.
Harv E Roo: Why doesn't Sweden export it's cattle?
Kang A Roo: It wants to keep it's Stockholm!
Harv E Roo: Why don't cows ever have any money?
Kang A Roo: Because the farmers milk them dry!
Harv E Roo: Why don't the people in Sweden export cattle?
Kang A Roo: They like to keep their Stockholm!
Harv E Roo: Why is a barn so noisy?
Kang A Roo: All the cows have horns.
Harv E Roo: Why is the barn always so noisy?
Kang A Roo: All the cows have horns!
Harv E Roo: Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress?
Kang A Roo: She was charged with rustling!
Harv E Roo: Why was the calf afraid?
Kang A Roo: He was a cow-herd!
Harv E Roo: Why was the calf so snobby?
Kang A Roo: He thought he was a cutlet above the rest!
Harv E Roo: Why wouldn't anyone play with the little longhorn?
Kang A Roo: He was too much of a bully!
Limericks for Winos
From the files of Naughty Limericks...
Submitted By:
Al the Pal
There once was a man named McGill,Bullshit so far »
Whose acts grew exceedingly ill,
He insisted on habits,
involving white rabbits,
and a bird with a flexible bill.
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: Why did the cow yawn when she got up?
Kang A Roo: It was just an udder day!
Harv E Roo: Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
Kang A Roo: He wanted rich milk!
Harv E Roo: Why did the farmer fence in the bull?
Kang A Roo: The farmer had too much of a steak in him to let him go!
Harv E Roo: Why did the farmer but brandy in the cow's food?
Kang A Roo: He wanted to raised stewed beef!
Harv E Roo: Why did the farmer feed his cow money?
Kang A Roo: He wanted rich milk.
Harv E Roo: Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
Kang A Roo: He wanted to see how much the milky weighed!
Harv E Roo: Why did the mooron give the bull a credit card?
Kang A Roo: He wanted to see him charge!
Harv E Roo: Why did the mooron give the sleepy cow a hammer?
Kang A Roo: He wanted her to hit the hay!
Harv E Roo: Why do cows think cooks are mean?
Kang A Roo: They whip cream!
Harv E Roo: Why does a cow wear a bell?
Kang A Roo: Because her horn doesn't work!
Limericks for Winos
From the files of Naughty Limericks...
Submitted By:
Tom Maguire
There once was a girl named MadonnaBullshit so far »
To all the boys she'd ask "Do yo wanna?"
Warren Beatty said no,
called her a "HO"
Now she cries and smokes marijuana.
The Good Old Days
This morning's Shoe
Now that's fucking funny!
Brings to mind this old saying...
I'm not as good as I once was,Bullshit so far »
But I'm as good once as I ever was!
Baseball Gameday
Right now I'm watching the Tampa Bay Devil Rays play the First Place Texas Rangers on MLB Game Day. This is a really cool little Macromedia Flash thingy.
Crap... Jeff Blum just homered on a line drive to right field in the top of the 5th off Rangers' pitcher Chan Ho Park... lucky it's only a solo shot... Texas 4 Tampa Bay 2... next three batters Crawford, Lugo, Huff are out on fly to right, SOS, ground to first...
Bottom of the 5th... Zambrabo pitching... Blalock [R] SOS after working count to 3/2 with three foul balls... Soriano [R] up... walks on 5 pitches... Fullmer [L] up... pick off attempt at 1B... called S... ball 1, outside high... foul... pick off attempt at 1B... ball 2 outside, high... ball 3, outside high... ball 4, outside, low... Soraino to 2B, Fullmer to 1B... Texiera [L] up... ball 1, outside... ball in play... GIDP... 3 AWAY...
Score: Texas 4 Tampa Bay 2
WOW, this is so cool... there is a screen capture in the extended entry if you want to see all the stuff that is on the screen.
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: Why are lawyers like dairy farmers?
Kang A Roo: The milk you for all that you've got!
Harv E Roo: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
Kang A Roo: He's got no beef.
Harv E Roo: Why can't you shock cows?
Kang A Roo: They've herd it all.
Harv E Roo: Why couldn't the cow leave the farm?
Kang A Roo: She was pasteurized!
Harv E Roo: Why did Bossy slug Roy Rogers?
Kang A Roo: She heard he was a cowpuncher!
Harv E Roo: Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone?
Kang A Roo: She thought children should be seen and not herded!
Harv E Roo: Why did the chef watch the lazy cow?
Kang A Roo: He liked to see meat loaf.
Harv E Roo: Why did the cow cross the road?
Kang A Roo: It was the chicken's day off!
Harv E Roo: Why did the cow go to the doctors?
Kang A Roo: Because she was udderly exhausted!
Harv E Roo: Why did the cow jump over the moon?
Kang A Roo: To get to the Milky Way!
» Read My Lips links with: The return of the Prodigal Category
Limericks for Winos
From the files of Naughty Limericks...
Submitted By:
Krishna Jayaraman
There was a lady who triplets begatBullshit so far »
Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat!
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: Where do cows go on dates?
Kang A Roo: To the moovies!
Harv E Roo: Where do cows go on their space vacation?
Kang A Roo: The moooooon!
Harv E Roo: Where do cows like to live?
Kang A Roo: St. Moo-is, Moo-ssouri, and Moo Jersey.
Harv E Roo: Where do cows like to ride on trains?
Kang A Roo: In the cow-boose.
Harv E Roo: Where do Danish cows come from?
Kang A Roo: Cowpenhagenf
Harv E Roo: Where do milk shakes come from?
Kang A Roo: Nervous cows!
Harv E Roo: Where do Russian cows come from?
Kang A Roo: Moscow!
Harv E Roo: Where do steers go to dance?
Kang A Roo: To the Meat Ball!
Harv E Roo: Where does a cow stop to drink?
Kang A Roo: The milky way!
Harv E Roo: Why are cpws made for dancing?
Kang A Roo: They're all born hoofers!
Limericks for Winos
From the files of Naughty Limericks...
Submitted By:
Krishna Jayaraman
There was a man called DaveBullshit so far »
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said "I admit
I am a bit of a shit
But think of the money I save".
Limericks for Winos
One of my drunken wino fans has requested I post some limericks... actually a pretty good idea... coming from a drunken wino! So here it is.
A limerick is a five-line poem written with one couplet and one triplet. If a couplet is a two-line rhymed poem, then a triplet would be a three-line rhymed poem. The rhyme pattern is a a b b a with lines 1, 2 and 5 containing 3 beats and rhyming, and lines 3 and 4 having two beats and rhyming. Some people say that the limerick was invented by soldiers returning from France to the Irish town of Limerick in the 1700's.
Limericks are meant to be funny. They often contain hyperbole, onomatopoeia, idioms, puns, and other figurative devices. The last line of a good limerick contains the PUNCH LINE or "heart of the joke." As you work with limericks, remember to have pun, I mean FUN! Say the following limericks out loud and clap to the rhythm.
From the files of Naughty Limericks...
Submitted By:
Krishna Jayaraman
There was a man from GhentBullshit so far »
Who had a penis so long it bent
It was so much trouble
That he kept it double
And instead of coming he went.
History of Martini
[Originally posted on October 8, 2003]
... As the Martini matured in popularity, its paternity was contested, giving rise to a second theory. Call this The Martinez Story. Citizens of Martinez, California, claimed that around 1870 a miner from San Francisco stopped his horse at Julio Richelieu's saloon on Ferry Street in Martinez for a bottle of whiskey. Richelieu was a young Frenchman who had come up from to Contra Costa County from New Orleans. The miner plunked a tobacco sack of gold nuggets on the bar near the weigh-scales and handed Richelieu a bottle. The bartender filled the container with whiskey from a large barrel, but the traveler said he wasn't quite satisfied. To make up the difference, Richelieu picked up a glass, mixed him a small drink, and dropped an olive in it. "What is it?" asked the miner. "That," replied Richelieu, "is a Martinez cocktail."
Richelieu left Martinez to operate barrooms in San Francisco, his last saloon being Lotta's Fountain on the corner of Kearny and Market. Richelieu served a Free Lunch and a number of gourmet cocktails, but the Martinez was his specialty in the 1880s. Although Richelieu didn't stake his claim with a bar manual, the town of Martinez still insists that it is the Birthplace of the Martini; in 1992, a zealous group installed a brass plaque on the corner of Alhambra and Masonic to declare this "fact."
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
Shaken, Not Stirred
[Originally posted on October 8, 2003]
"Shaken, not stirred" - James Bond 007
Can you really ‘bruise’ a spirit?
James Bond asks for his Vodka Martini shaken not stirred, but what difference does it make?
Drinking has many myths and sayings but one common debate revolves around the two questions posed above. Let’s start with the facts. No, you cannot ‘bruise’ a spirit by shaking it. This is most commonly applied to Gin, but is really a meaningless, though quaint phrase. What it may be trying to describe is the different effect shaking rather than stirring has on a Vodka or Gin Martini’s interaction with the ice. Shaking will provide the Martini with a greater amount of exposure to the ice thus chilling the drink more quickly. Stirring on the other hand is not as vigorous and is therefore a less swift way of achieving the same cold temperature. In addition, differing amounts of water will dilute the drink depending on how long it has been shaken or stirred with ice. If preparation time is a serious issue then this might make a shaken Martini the best choice. Well done, Mr. Bond!
However, there is another factor that should be considered. Shaking your Martini may have a serious drawback. The crystalline clarity that makes a Martini look so clean, crisp and sophisticated is lost. The shaking motion inundates the cocktail with many tiny bubbles, often producing undesirable cloudiness. What this means is a trade off between speed of preparation and appearance. Maybe we should be surprised that the stylish and sophisticated 007 would risk getting a cloudy Vodka Martini!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Moe's Martini Recipes
[Orginally posted on October 5, 2003]
Harvey over at Bad Money gives my favorite cartoon bartender, Moe Syzslak, Martini recipes and names for the cast of The Simpsons. (Is there another cartoon bartender? Inquiring minds want to know.)
My recommendations for Moe were:
Willie-tini: substitute Jamesons Irish Whiskey, garnish w/ potato peel, rip shirt off and say "Now grease me up, woman."
Patty/Selma-tini: double standard recipe in tall glass, served with pack of cigarettes
BumbleBee Guy-tini: substitute Tequila, add dash of salt, lime juice, and lime wedge ... Hey that's a Margarita, D'oh
My favorite Martini recipe was from Mike the Marine:
Moe-tini: served on fire... at double the cost
Scroll down the comments to see the rest. A couple of them look pretty tasty - might have to try them out at the First Annual Madfish Willie's Martini Party.
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Dumb Ass Jokes
[Originally posted on October 5, 2003]
You how you go into a bar/nightclub/joint and before the crowd gets there you're sittin up at the bar, pullin your pud with no one to talk to? So, you ask the bartender if he knows any good jokes.
Well, me and my buddy GoatHead used to tell these absolutely, positively, horrible one-liner jokes. They were soooo bad that no one ever laughed at the jokes, they were always laughing at us laughing at how stupid the jokes were. I'm cracking myself up just thinking about it! [sittin here, laughing my ass off...] I mean, you should have seen people's faces - they were like "What the fuck?" This would go on and on until they either couldn't stand to hear another joke, or we couldn't stand up to tell another one. Then, we just waited for the next sucker to pull up a barstool and ask for funnies.
Funny to me.
Here is this week's edition of really Dumbass Bar Jokes™. Enjoy!
Q What did the soap give to his fiancé?
A A bathtub ring
Q What do you call soap on a trapeze?
A Soap on a rope
Q Why did the comedian bring soap to his show?
A He was trying to clean up his act
Q Why did the burglar have soap in his pocket?
A He wanted to make a clean getaway
Now, I can't give you all the pretzels at one time, ya know. Tune in next week - Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel!
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »
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..that wasn't you Sister, was it?..
Eric bullshitted on May 28, 2004 at 04:57 PM