The Many Faces of Michael Jackson

Watch him go from boy to man to noseless freak in this 10 second flash experience.

You WILL say "what the fuck?"

Irishman in a bar

An Irishman walks into a Dublin pub and orders four pints of ale. He takes all of them to a table, sets them around the table, and starts drinking the one in front of him. Then, he gets up, sits in another chair, and starts sipping another pint. He goes around the table this way until all four pints are finished.

In the process, the bartender gently reminds him the ale will be colder and fresher if he would just order them one at a time.

The Irishman answers, "Aaack, I drink fer me brudders. One is in Australia, one is in Canada, and one is in Scotland. Me custom is to drink not only fer meself, but also in honor of me far-flung brudders."

The bartender understands this, and everyone in the pub heard the explanation, and nodded their heads in understanding of the closeness of brothers.

This goes on, every day, for months. Always four pints of ale, always sipped one mug at a time. The pub regulars know why, and don't bother the guy.

One day, he comes in and orders three pints of ale, not four. The entire pub becomes hushed. After a few moments, the bartender gently says, "I dunna know what happened, lad, but we're all sorry fer yer loss."

The guy is confused for a moment, and then finally realizes what the bartender is implying. He says, "AH!! No, no, everybody is fine! It's just that I've given up drinking!"

True Story

I'm sitting in this low-life bar drinking beer, and the guy sitting next to me starts pointing out the various hookers in the place. He's describing them to me in great detail; the guy obviously had "been" with all of them, at one time or another. He knew too many details - things like tattoos on that one's upper inner thigh, the mole next to the left nipple on the other one...

Anyhow, I'm enjoying my beer and this guy's ongoing commentary. I saw a new girl come into the bar, obviously another hooker the way she dressed and acted. So I ask the guy with all the info, what does he know about her?

He says, "Her? She could suck-start a leaf blower."

I nearly fell off my barstool I was laughing so hard.

What Your Horoscope Really Means

AQUARIUS: JAN 20 - FEB 18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

PISCES: FEB 19 - MAR 20
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and scornful of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

ARIES: MAR 21 - APR 19
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

TAURUS: ARP 20 - MAY 20
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

GEMINI: MAY 21 - JUNE 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER: JUNE 21 - JULY 22
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a cancer.

LEO: JULY 23 - AUG 22
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are all idiots. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mother fuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

VIRGO: AUG 23 - SEPT 22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA: SEPT 23 - OCT 21
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO: OCT 22 - NOV 21
The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios live in fear of assault by the mob.

SAGITTARIUS: NOV 22 - DEC 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

CAPRICORN: DEC 22 - JAN 19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should withdraw from society.

[Hat tip: my blogless niece Sarah]

Battle of the sexes

Top 17 Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife

17. "I finished the Oreos."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

13. "Well, could they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

and the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife...

1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger........"

Baseball fan

The World's most avid baseball fan, a blond, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize that she had left her ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, she went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's wait she was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, Linda!"

She looked up, stepped out ofline and tried to find the owner of the voice -- with no success. Then she realized she had lost her place in the line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over again.

After she had purchased her ticket, she was thirsty, so she went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand was also very long. But since the game hadn't started she decided to wait. Just as she got to the window, a voice called out "Hey, Linda!"

Again she tried to find the voice and got out of line as she wandered looking for the owner of the voice. But no luck. She was very upset as she got back in line for her drink.

Finally she had her drink and took her seat eager for the game to begin. As she waited for the first pitch, she heard the voice calling, "Hey, Linda!" once more.

Furious, she stood up and yelled a the top of her lungs:

"My name isn't Linda!"|

Since You Can't Get A REAL Girlfriend

You might as well get a virtual one by playing Sim Girl.

Same high-maintenance, pain-in-the-ass hoops to jump through if you ever hope to get any nookie, and getting there is just like the real world, right down to the part where she expects you to remember all the boring, trivial details she's ever mentioned about her life.

He'll Probably Ask About the Proctologist Appointment Next

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry hun; I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Why Engineers Don't Write Cook Books

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten

2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3

3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite

4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride

5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11

6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11

7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde

8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein

9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao

10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Oklahoma!

Do you know what "Tulsa" spelled backwards is?

"a slut"

Do you know what "a slut" backwards is?

$100

You're Too Drunk To Play This...

...intellectually challenging timewaster.

Herbey's Credit Card

Making A Woman Wet

You can do it if you play this short, non-violent game of "squirt-gun the bikini babe".

[Hat tip: I Hate My Cubicle!!!]

You Have Too Much Free Time

So waste some of it playing this simple little game.

[Hat tip: I Hate My Cubicle!!!]

Movie Trivia

I've been trying to find an answer to a particular piece of movie trivia... to no avail... so I beseech ye to enlighten me....

What movie starred the most number of Oscar Winning Actors/Actressess? The actor/actress doesn't necessarily have to win for that particular role, just at some point in their career have to have won the honors...

I can think of several movies with 3 Oscar winning actors/actresses:

Heat w/ DeNiro, Pacino, Voight
On Golden Pond w/ Fonda, Fonda, Hepburn
The Unforgiven w/ Eastwood, Hackman, Freemen

What are the others... and is there a movie with four or more?

Inquiring minds want to know....

In the UK, Your Ass is Called Your "Bum"

Two Islamic extremists are out shopping and go into a camping supply store in London... one tries on a backpack and says to the other... "Does my bomb look big in this?"

[Hat tip: Sally of Whimsy Capricious]

Videos That _Jon's Too Damn Lazy To Post Links To Himself

Mocking terrorists on Saturday Night Live

and

Stupid people shouldn't be allowed to play with fire. Leave it to the professionals, please.

My Reaction Time Was Slowed Down By All The Booze

Neat little flash game: hide all the incriminating evidence in your dorm room before your parents come over.

Great for helping your children develop eye-hand coordination and vital concealment skills.

[Hat tip: I Hate My Cubicle!!!]

UK Fashion Trend?

Q. Why are London beauty parlours worried they'll be put out of business?

A. Because the London Met are doing Brazilians for free.

[Hat tip to Sally of Whimsy Capricious]

Happy B'Day!

Happy Birthday to my friend pamibe

Not That Anyone's Surprised

... but the Bartender was full of shit on that last post. The actual quote from that section of the Koran is:

But if they repent and keep up prayer and pay the poor-rate, they are your brethren in faith; and We make the communications clear for a people who know.

I got some clear communications for you, my Islamofascist brethren:

Surrender or we'll blow your shit up, motherfucker.

Fuck Iraq!

From the 1000 times forwarded e-mail file:

The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible)

Koran (9:11) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair, still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace.

(Note the verse number!)

Free Hand Lotion

Some duck-butter for Herbey....

It's Showtime!

Here's one for the Corner of the Bar Babes

Wonder If This Ever Happened to Bill Clinton?

A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in
journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper that hired him was
to write a human-interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.

The young man asked, "What's the most exciting thing that ever happened around here?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "One time one of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else exciting that happened?" "But that's what we do round here." said the farmer. "The screwing is the reward." "No, I can't print that!" the young man said. "Can you think of anything else?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's
daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that
time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Okay let's try
something else. What's the most terrible thing that's ever happened around here?"

The old farmer dropped his head and after a few seconds looked up
timidly at the young man and said,

"I got lost once."