AQUARIUS: JAN 20 - FEB 18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
PISCES: FEB 19 - MAR 20
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and scornful of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
ARIES: MAR 21 - APR 19
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
TAURUS: ARP 20 - MAY 20
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
GEMINI: MAY 21 - JUNE 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER: JUNE 21 - JULY 22
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a cancer.
LEO: JULY 23 - AUG 22
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are all idiots. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mother fuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
VIRGO: AUG 23 - SEPT 22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA: SEPT 23 - OCT 21
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO: OCT 22 - NOV 21
The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios live in fear of assault by the mob.
SAGITTARIUS: NOV 22 - DEC 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.
CAPRICORN: DEC 22 - JAN 19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should withdraw from society.
[Hat tip: my blogless niece Sarah]