Fucking Funny

The Big Lebowski - The Fucking Short Version

Madfish Willie's Surgery

Madfish Willie was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appeared to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbled, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replied "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggled to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers. She raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she took a close look and said, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

Madfish pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

Damn Left Coasters

"you might be from California if...":

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a Conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . . Is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . Is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a Baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

The virgin

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer,
going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle, that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

Check the extended entry for the rest of the story...

You Could Learn A Lot From A Worm

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little extremely old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

I Got Yer Puddin' Right Here!

I love this one:

The Bill Cosby Fun Game

A psychotic Bill Cosby lures victims close to him with pudding, then bashes their heads in with a camera, after which he returns to his Cosby Cave and dumps their bodies.

Pretty darn fun, actually.

If you're having a hard time keeping money, there are two helpful hints in the extended entry.

[hat tip: I Hate My Cubicle!!]

Legal Eagle Wing-Clipping

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Sabinal.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy; "License and registration, please."

Lawyer; "What for?"

Deputy; "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy; "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer; "What's the difference?"

Deputy; "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer; "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy; "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop....or just slow down?"