T'was a week before Chirstmas...

And three regular golfing partners are bemoaing the fact their wives would never consdier the idea of them meetings on the links for a few rounds such as Christmas.

One guy bragged, "I'm the man of my house, and if I want to be here at 8 AM Christmas day, well, that's where I'll be! And I've got $5000 to back it up!"

Not to be outdone, the next one says, "Well I wear the pants in my marriage, see... and I'll see your five thou and RAISE you another five! I'll be here, ready for golf, at 8 AM Christmas day!"

Third guietely says, "Well, obviously I'm surrounded *shaking his head humbly*. I'll see the ten thousand, raise another five, and then call."

The Hamburger's Daughter

What did the hamburgers name their daughter?

Macroni & Tomato?

What did the macaroni say to the tomato?

If Anyone Needs Me, I'll Be At The Beach

Just kinda taking in the sights.

Pig Latin

How do pigs talk?

Did Someone Leave Their Watch On The Bar?

I think this might belong to Madfish Willie.

[Hat tip: The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns]

Mad Dog Bad Example Hervey's Turkey Day

I talked to Harvey earlier today and asked him how his Turkey Day went. He goes into this long diatribe about how everyone in his family came over to the trailer for Turkey Day and he even had an unexpected guest.

Lorena catches Debbie adding a box of Ex-Lax to Diane's special brown gravy to insure that everyone will "be regular" afterwards.

Niece Laura shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of it and proudly displays nephew Matthew's summons for his court date to answer for beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined Laura's new coat.

Blogless Brother John, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his "piece" in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars.

Cousin Ronnie shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Shandra, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister.

Uncle Roy coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup and asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of "Redman" chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back home.

Aunt Patty shows up with freaky sister Connie, who brings her new "best friend" as well as her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show.

Second-cousin Blogless Tom brings as his guest his current analyst, who's doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial subcultures.

Uncle Mike, who's legally blind but can see some shapes and colors and shadows and who also got legally blind fucking stone drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Sarah, keeps "accidentally" nearly falling into all the women and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.

13-year-old cousin Derrick asks his cousins Ben & Jeff if he can borrow their thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an eight-ball "rock" he just bought from cousin Scott.

Uncle Harvey serves the turkey flambe' by pouring some his famous homemade 'shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what hair is left on Uncle Gary's head and gives third-degree burns to his balding pate, filling the dining room with the stench of roasting human as well as turkey flesh, as 911 is called for the second time on this special Thanksgiving holiday.

[More under the jump]

I, Robot

What do you call a robot with no job?

How to cook a turkey

This has been making its way around the Internet since 1500 B.C., even though the first computer still hadn't been manufactured yet. However, if there's one thing that you can count on me for, it's recycling the stalest holiday humor you've ever seen between now and the New Year.
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HOW TO COOK A TURKEY

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey(Ed. note: this didn't used to be possible)
Update: More on this here.

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Maybe I Need An Intercom...

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"

"What! Are you crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, " he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us..."

"It's just a small blowjob, " he insists, "and I know you like it."

"No! I said no!"

"Baby... don't be like that."

"Come on baby pleeeeaassseee"

"I'm not going to give you a blowjob"

"Why Not...baby it will be quick I promise?"

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

[Shamelessly stolen from A Trainwreck In Maxwell]

Customer service

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account"

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Anal Intercourse Anyone?

Madfish Willie's is the #10 Google Link for Anal Intercourse... WTF???

The Catcher's Seat

Where does the catcher sit for dinner?

Bad Day At The Office?

A little Destructionism should cheer you up.

Job application

A few months ago, the CIA had an opening for an assassin. This highly classified position is hard to fill, requiring enormous testing and background checks involved before an applicant can be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, the Agency narrowed the possible choices down to 3 men, for the one available position.

The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The Agent administering the test took one of the applicants to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could
never shoot my own wife!". "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

The second applicant was brought to the same door and handed the gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", the Agent explained, "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take
your wife and go the hell home."

The Agents brought the third applicant to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third applicant. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair!"

The Dentist's Gift

What did the dentist give the marching band?

Elf Sandwiches

What do Elves use to make sandwiches?

LMAO

Two Palestinian men are showing pictures of their children to each other.

The first says: "This is my oldest, Muhammed. He was a martyr.... This is my second oldest, Muhammed. He was a martyr too.... This is my baby boy, Muhammed. One day I hope he will be a martyr too."

The other replies: "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Shamelessly ripped from the comments at Ace of Spades]

Did You Know Madfish Willie Used to Be a Boy Scout?

Used to help old ladies, he did.

[caution: contains tasteless cartoon violence]

The Lawyer's Daughter

What did the lawyer name her daughter?

The Soldier's Tank

How did the soldier fit his tank in his house?

The Dollar's Daughter

What did the dollar bill name his daughter?

Toeless Joe Jackson

What has three feet but no toes?

Subliminal Britney

So THIS is why otherwise sensible men find Britney attractive...

The Hockey Player & The Thief

What did the hockey player do when the thief demanded money?

Problems, problems

"The other day," said the woman to the psychiatrist, "I happened to see my son and the little girl next door both naked, examining each other's bodies."

"Well, that's not unusual," smiled the shrink, "I wouldn't worry about something as normal as that."

"But I AM worried doctor." insisted the woman. "I don't think it's normal at all, and neither does my son's wife."

WTF???

This is the kind of shit Herbey likes.

Giant Lizards and screaming girlies....

Take me to your leader

Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around.

The first thing they see that resembles a human being is the gas pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!" Of course he gets no response...

The first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Of course, still no response...

The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!"

At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the next block."

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time.

"Earthling take me to your leader!" Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump...

The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien. "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me!?"

The second replies "Well, I didn't know exactly *what* was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna' mess with a guy who's dick hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear."

The competition

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

Is He Still Alive?

Ever hear a news story about a washed-up old celebrity and thought to yourself, "Dead? I didn't even know he was alive!"

Sure, we all have.

But thanks to the magic of the internet, you no longer need to wonder. Just look them up here on

Who's Alive And Who's Dead

Great for researching Dead Pool picks, too.

Pretty Much Sums it Up

Flashback - Hollywood Squares Vintage Quotes

(courtesy of my blogless brother Roy)

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. [My Favorite] As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?

A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.