Shorty's Bar & Grill

A joke from Ms Pam:

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player.

They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

"What's that?" the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.

"No, no! Calm down," the man replies. "This will say ADIDAS in a minute.”

Internet Pecker

From the files of ZooAss...

Internet Pecker

Matsushita Electric is promoting a new Japanese PC targeted at the Internet. Panasonic has developed a complete Japanese Web browser, and to make the system "user-friendly", licensed the cartoon character "Woody Woodpecker" as the "Internet guide." Panasonic eventually planned on a world version of the product.

A huge marketing campaign was to have introduced the product in Japan last week. The day before the ads were to be released, Panasonic suddenly pulled back and delayed the product launch indefinitely. The reason: the ads featured the slogan "Touch Woody - The Internet Pecker." An American staff member at the internal product launch explained to the stunned and embarrassed Japanese what "touch woody" and "pecker" meant in American slang ...

That Pesky Red Riding Hood

From the files of ZooAss...

That Pesky Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have Mr. Wolf!", says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red RidingHood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My, what big ears you have Mr Wolf!", says Little Red Riding Hood. Once again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf yet again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what big teeth you have Mr Wolf!", taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you leave me the fuck alone? I'm trying to take a shit you dumb bitch!"

No ChurchKey?

32 Ways To Open A Beer

[via Bacon and Ehs]

How Unfortunate

From the files of ZooAss...

How Unfortunate

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen: Honey, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

Texas Talking

[Originally posted on October 16, 2003]

Here in Texas, everything IS bigger and better! We even have own own vocabulary called: Texas Talkin'

Here's what the heck we mean in the Lone Star State...

• The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart


• As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person


• Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy


• Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action


• We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced


• He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink


• She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker


• It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice


• Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving


• This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block


• He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y


• They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin


• Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told


• As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart


• You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing

Insurance Claims

From the files of ZooAss...

Insurance Claims

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

Limericks for Winos

From the files of Naughty Limericks...

Submitted By:Krishna Jayaraman

There was a lady who triplets begat

Nat, Pat and Tat

It was fun breeding

But trouble feeding

Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat.

Help Wanted

From the files of ZooAss...

Help Wanted

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".

"Today and tomorrow." replied the blonde.

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?", asked the sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Dumb Ass Jokes

Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.

Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!

Harv E Roo: What do you call a pig thief ?
Kang A Roo: A hamburglar !

Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes ?
Kang A Roo: A swine gut !

Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel ?
Kang A Roo: Lumpy milkshakes !

Harv E Roo: What is the definition of a goose ?
Kang A Roo: An animal that grows down as it grows up !

Harv E Roo: What is the opposite of cock-a doodle-doo ?
Kang A Roo: Cock-a-doodle-don't !

Harv E Roo: What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour ?
Kang A Roo: Leave it inside the cow !

Harv E Roo: Why was the lamb told off for being rude ?
Kang A Roo: He would not say 'thank ewe' to his mum !

Harv E Roo: What goes 'peck,bang,peck,bang,peck,bang' ?
Kang A Roo: A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons !

Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross a pile of mud with a pig ?
Kang A Roo: A groundhog !

Harv E Roo: How do you take a pig to hospital ?
Kang A Roo: By hambulance !

Limericks for Winos

From the files of Naughty Limericks...

Submitted By:
Krishna Jayaraman

There was a man called Dave

Who kept a dead whore in a cave

He said "I admit

I am a bit of a shit

But think of the money I save".

Good vs Evil

Sherlock Holmes vs Keyser Soze

A grudge match between two of my all-time favorite fictional characters...

Who wins?... Answer before you follow the link...

[idea via Eric's post]

The Pearly Gates

A joke from Ms Pam:

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St.Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the TIP OF YOUR FINGER in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St.Peter says "OK, dip your WHOLE HAND in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

Flat Tire

From the files of ZooAss...

Flat Tire

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?"

He says, "Hell, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off."

Driving Under the Influence

From the files of ZooAss...

Driving Under the Influence

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then the man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. By this time everyone had left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. However, the police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. With a smile on his face, the driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy!"

The Elevator

From the files of ZooAss...

The Elevator

A brunette, a red head and a blonde climb onto an elevator when the brunette notices a small white pasty stain on the floor. She looks at her two friends and says, "Well I don't know, but that sure looks like someone's cum to me." The red head looks at the spot and crouches down near it. She sniffs the small stain and says, "Well I don't know, but that sure smells like someone's cum to me." The blonde decides to settle the matter. She too crouches down by the spot. Then she proceeds to dip her finger in it and put it to her mouth. "Well it sure isn't anyone from this building."

The Ultimate Pizza

[Originally posted on October 15, 2003]

The Ultimate Pizza Recipe is from one of my old roommates. He was one funny guy. Watching TV with this guy was like being in a Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie! He would just sit there and wipe the whole movie out. He could recite verbatim entire sections of movies, his favorite being Monty Python & The Holy Grail. Meanwhile, back on the ranch...

Barry's Meatza Pizza

Ingredients:
1 Biboli Pizza Crust - Thick Crust
1 Italian Sausage - Crumbled
1 Canadian Bacon - Diced Big
1 Pepperoni - Diced Big
4 oz Prego Traditional Sauce
2 cups Mozzarella Cheese
Red Peppers
Parmesan Cheese
McCormicks Lemon Pepper
McCormicks California Style Garlic Salt

Directions:
Brown Italian Sausage, drain grease, paper soak top 2 times to remove remainder of grease
Brown Canadian Bacon, drain grease, paper soak top 2 times to remove remainder of grease
Preheat oven to 425
Sauce on Boboli - watch edges - too close to edge and the crust gets hard, burns
Top with meats - don't be afraid of the meat, either - pile it on
Bake 10 minutes at 425
Add Mozzarella Cheese

Bake 10 minutes at 425
Sprinkle red peppers to taste
Sprinkle Parmesan chesse to taste
Sprinkle spices to taste

Options:
Add large, sliced, sauteed mushrooms after meat and before first bake cycle.

Cheers!

The Adventures of Madfish Willie

[Originally posted on October 13, 2004]

I was working the joint during an unsually busy Happy Hour Party last Friday. There was a disheveled, goofy guy at the end of the bar scribbling furiously with a teeny, tiny little pencil in a small, black blood-stained book.

He was leaning back in Frank J's chair, with his feet kicked up on Misha's seat. Who was this freak? How dare he come into our place, sit in Frank J's special reserved place and put his feet on any chair, much less Misha's? The Rott was growling furiously, foaming at the mouth and straining at the chain to get at this interloper. [I was dog sitting The Rott for a couple of hours while Misha was out running around.] He didn't like the idea of someone sitting in Misha's seat. He didn't like people putting their feet up on the chairs, either.

This didn't look good. I could tell from my many years of experience dealing with dumb-asses that something bad was about to happen. I checked under the bar, making sure the Imperial ClueBat was handy, then I walked over and asked him if he needed something to drink.

"What is your blending capacity in this establishment?", he inquired.

Sergeant Major Dick

From the files of ZooAss...

Sergeant Major Dick

An Army Sgt. Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best girl they have for him. Sgt. Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE!" His penis immediately goes limp. The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration. The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" (a raging hard-on once again), and he follows this display of prowess with the command of, "DICK, AT EASE!" (His penis goes limp once again). The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again. The Sgt. Major shouts, "I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" His penis becomes immediately erect, and then he gives the following command, "DICK, AT EASE." The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE!" Once again, his penis is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!" No luck, his penis is still hard. He yells, "God damn it!!!", and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?" The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!"

Lesbian Dinosaur

From the files of ZooAss...

Lesbian Dinosaur

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A: Lickalotapuss!

Best Piece of Ash...

A joke from Ms Pam....

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.

The Ultimate Banana Daiquiri

[Originally posted on October 12, 2003]

Although the name of this recipe post is The Ultimate Dacquiri, I'm going to break it down into two separate posts: Frozen Strawberry Dacquiri and Frozen Banana Dacquiri.

The Ultimate Frozen Banana Dacquiri

Ingredients:
2-3 Fresh Bananas
1 oz Bacardi Rum
2 oz Creme de Banana
Soft Blue Bell Premium Ice Cream
1 sprig Fresh Mint
Kool-Whip Dessert Topping

Preparation:
Place softened ice cream into a beverage blender - about 3/4 full. Fill remander of blender with peeled fresh banana. Pour rum and creme de banana into blender. Blender until thick and smooth. This should not take very long. Remember, the longer you blend the mixture, the thinner it will become.

Presentation:
Pour frozen mixture into a tall, stemmed cocktail glass. Fill to 3/4 full. Spray a line whipping cream around the outside of the glass. Pouring mixture into the center, fill remainder of glass with frozen mixture. Do Not Overfill Glass! Spray a spot of whipping cream onto the center of mixture. Garnish with slices of fresh banana placed around the rim of the glass, and a spring of mint leaf placed stem down by the rim.

Cheers!

Tales From The Champagne Room

There is
NO SEX
in the
Champagne Room

There might not be any sex in the Champagne Room, but you can join the comment party and post a link to whatever naughtiness you can rustle up. It can be a link to a post on your site, a link to a post on another site, a link to a pop-up image, or a link to another web site altogether.

[Please Note: These links might not be work safe]

The Ultimate Strawberry Daiquiri

[Originally posted on October 12, 2003]

Although the name of this recipe post is The Ultimate Daiquiri, I'm going to break it down into two separate posts: Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri and Frozen Banana Daiquiri.

The Ultimate Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri

Ingredients:
1 Packet Frozen Strawberries
1 oz Bacardi Rum
2 oz Creme de Almond
Sweet 'n Sour Cocktail Mix
Crushed Ice
1 lg Fresh Strawberry
1 sprig Fresh Mint
Kool-Whip Dessert Topping

Preparation:
Place crushed ice into a beverage blender - about 3/4 full. Fill remander of blender with thawed frozen strawberries. Pour rum and creme de almond into blender. Fill with sour mix. Blend until thick and smooth. Remember, the longer you blend the mixture, the thinner it will become.

Presentation:
Pour frozen mixture into a tall, stemmed cocktail glass. Fill to 3/4 full. Spray a line whipping cream around the outside of the glass. Pouring mixture into the center, fill remainder of glass with frozen mixture. Do Not Overfill Glass! Spray a spot of whipping cream onto the center of mixture. Garnish with a large fresh strawberry pressed on the rim of the glass, and a spring of mint leaf placed stem down by the rim, beside the strawberry. The strawberry will look better with the stem still attached.

Tomorrow: The Ultimate Banana Daiquiri

Cheers!

Limericks for Winos

From the files of Naughty Limericks...

Submitted By: Bill E. Bob

There once was a cat named black,

he ran around and smoked crack,

till one day,

he was found gay,

now he sucks.

Dumb Ass Jokes

Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.

Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!

Harv E Roo: Why is it called a 'herd' of cattle ?
Kang A Roo: Well, have you 'herd' the sound they make !

Harv E Roo: What do you call a joke book for chickens ?
Kang A Roo: A yolk book !

Harv E Roo: What did the lovesick bull say to the cow ?
Kang A Roo: 'When I fall in love it will be for heifer' !

Harv E Roo: What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken ?
Kang A Roo: An egg-splosion !

Harv E Roo: Why did the chicken cross the road at the fairground ?
Kang A Roo: To get to the other side !

Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo ?
Kang A Roo: A woolly jumper !

Harv E Roo: What has two legs and flies ?
Kang A Roo: A pig !

Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus ?
Kang A Roo: A cow that can milk itself !

Harv E Roo: What do you call a sleeping bull ?
Kang A Roo: A bulldozer !

Harv E Roo: Why did the unwashed chicken cross the road twice ?
Kang A Roo: Because he was a dirty double crosser !

Limericks for Winos

From the files of Naughty Limericks...

Submitted By: Sugar

There once was a man from Nantucket,

who was old, but not yet kicked the bucket,

don't be a creep,

at the sound of the beep,

leave a message or you can just f-- orget about anyone calling you back!

Balcony View

From the files of ZooAss...

Balcony View

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Dumb Ass Jokes

Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.

Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!

Harv E Roo: Where do you take sick ponies ?
Kang A Roo: To the horsepital !

Harv E Roo: What do you say if you see a flying pig ?
Kang A Roo: 'I see bacon's going up' !

Harv E Roo: Who tells chicken jokes ?
Kang A Roo: Comedihens !

Harv E Roo: What do you call a bull who tells jokes ?
Kang A Roo: Laugh-a-bull !

Harv E Roo: If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have ?
Kang A Roo: Plenty of milk !

Harv E Roo: Why did the baby turkey bolt down his food ?
Kang A Roo: Because he was a little gobbler !

Harv E Roo: Why did the starstruck chicken cross the road ?
Kang A Roo: To see Gregory Peck !

Harv E Roo: What kind of tie does a pig wear ?
Kang A Roo: Pig's tie !

Harv E Roo: What is another name for a cow ?
Kang A Roo: A lawn-mooer !

Harv E Roo: Why did the Roman chicken cross the road ?
Kang A Roo: Because she was afraid someone would caesar !

Limericks for Winos

From the files of Naughty Limericks...

Submitted By: Bruce

Tthere once was a couple named Kelly

who walked around belly to belly

because in their haste

they used library paste

instead of petroleum jelly

Dumb Ass Jokes

Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.

Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!

Harv E Roo: How do you stop a rooser crowing on Sunday ?
Kang A Roo: Eat him on Saturday !

Harv E Roo: Why did the foal cough ?
Kang A Roo: Because he was a little horse !

Harv E Roo: What do you call a pig that took a plane ?
Kang A Roo: Swine flu !

Harv E Roo: Why was the farmer hopping mad ?
Kang A Roo: Because someone had trodden on his corn !

Harv E Roo: What's the best way to make a bull sweat ?
Kang A Roo: Put him in a tight jumper !

Harv E Roo: Why did Bo Peep lose her sheep ?
Kang A Roo: She had a crook with her !

Harv E Roo: Why do cows like being told jokes ?
Kang A Roo: Because they like being amoosed !

Harv E Roo: What do you call an arctic cow ?
Kang A Roo: An eskimoo !

Harv E Roo: Why did the pig go to the casino ?
Kang A Roo: To play the slop machine !

Harv E Roo: What is a pigs favorite ballet ?
Kang A Roo: Swine Lake !

Limericks for Winos

From the files of Naughty Limericks...

Submitted By: Michael Lehane

There once was a technician named Lil.

That took a chance on a Nuclear Pill.

They found her vagina,

in South Carolina,

and her boobs in a tree in Brazil!

Dumb Ass Jokes

Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.

Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!

Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross a hen with a dog ?
Kang A Roo: Pooched eggs !

Harv E Roo: Why did the bull rush ?
Kang A Roo: Because it saw the cow slip !

Harv E Roo: Why did the ram fall over the cliff ?
Kang A Roo: He didn't see the ewe turn !

Harv E Roo: What is a cow's favourite TV show ?
Kang A Roo: Dr Moo !

Harv E Roo: What is a horse's favourite sport ?
Kang A Roo: Stable tennis !

Harv E Roo: Why did the farmer call his pig 'Ink' ?
Kang A Roo: Because he kept running out of the pen !

Harv E Roo: Where does a woodsman keep his pigs ?
Kang A Roo: In a hog cabin !

Harv E Roo: What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle ?
Kang A Roo: Use a cowculator !

Harv E Roo: What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange ?
Kang A Roo: 'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid' !

Harv E Roo: What do you call a sheep with no legs or head ?
Kang A Roo: A cloud !

Box of Tampons

From the files of ZooAss...

Box of Tampons

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other four.

The nine-year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your Mom, huh.?"

The nine-year old shakes his head and replies, Nope, not for my Mom."

Cashier: "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

Nine-year old: "Nope, not for my sister either."

Cashier, curious now: "If they're not for your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine-year old says, "They're for my four-year old brother."

Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right here??"

Nine year old explains: "Well, yeah! They say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either!"

Dumb Ass Jokes

Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.

Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!

Harv E Roo: What do you call a pig thief ?
Kang A Roo: A hamburglar !

Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes ?
Kang A Roo: A swine gut !

Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel ?
Kang A Roo: Lumpy milkshakes !

Harv E Roo: What is the definition of a goose ?
Kang A Roo: An animal that grows down as it grows up !

Harv E Roo: What is the opposite of cock-a doodle-doo ?
Kang A Roo:Cock-a-doodle-don't !

Harv E Roo: What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour ?
Kang A Roo: Leave it inside the cow !

Harv E Roo: Why was the lamb told off for being rude ?
Kang A Roo: He would not say 'thank ewe' to his mum !

Harv E Roo: What goes 'peck,bang,peck,bang,peck,bang' ?
Kang A Roo: A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons !

Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross a pile of mud with a pig ?
Kang A Roo: A groundhog !

Harv E Roo: How do you take a pig to hospital ?
Kang A Roo: By hambulance !

Limericks for Winos

From the files of Naughty Limericks...

Submitted By: Scott Straub

The once was a young girl from Norway

Who hung by her feet from the doorway;

Which worked out quite well,

'Cause when you rang her bell,

It actually turned out to be foreplay!

Imperial Cocktail Party

Originally posted on October 12, 2003]

I was finishing up some posts on Saturday night, so I decided to drop by The Loyal Citizen AIM Chatroom - Where the VRWC Conspires. The topics of conversations over are vast and varied. The topic somehow got turned to drinking, what people's favorite drinks, liquor, cocktails, etc. were. Someone brought up cocktails for Saudis! And away we went... Great hilarity and mass spewage ensued. By the end, everyone was ROFLTAO - couldn't type, couldn't spell, couldn't breath - laughing.too.hard.

Here are some of the drinks we determined the Saudi would drink:

• Turbin Twister


• Mecca Surprize


• Baghdad Buzzsaw


• Bloody Imam


• Mad Mullah


• Medina Sunrise


• Fuzzy Goat Butt: Mad Dog 20/20, poured into Helen Thomas' navel


• Saudi Sunrise: Camel Piss /w Sand


• Sex With A Goat: Mountain Dew /w Prune Juice


• One Eyed Cleric (Mullah Omar): Needs Recipe

1 oz Everclear

1 oz Bacardi 151

1 oz Wild Turkey 101

Orange Juice

Cranberry Juice

The Bartender says: drop on by the chat room for The Anti-Idiotarian Cocktail Party some time - lots of fine folks with strong opinions - and not afraid to let you know what they are! Good Times...Great fun!!

Cheers!

Limericks for Winos

From the files of Naughty Limericks...

Submitted By: Bryan King

There once was a chick named Alice

who used dynamite for a phallus

it blew a hole in her vagina

like South Carolina

and bits of her tits in Dallas

The Ultimate Queso

[Originally posted on October 11, 2003]

The Ultimate Queso recipe is one of my own creations. It is pretty simple and I use only the highest quality ingredients.

Ingredients:
1 lb block of Velveeta Cheese .5 - 1 cup of Milk 1 - 2 cups of the Ultimate Salsa 1 Buttload of quality dipping style Tortilla Chips

Preparation:
Cut Velveeta Cheese into small cubes. Place cheese into a double boiler or crock pot. Place heat on medium and slow cook until melted. Add milk and hand blend. Add the Ultimate Salsa mix and blend until all ingredients are thoroughly incorporated. Add additional milk as needed until desired thickness is achieved.

Presentation:
Pour Queso mixture into medium sized bowl. Dip tortilla chips into Ultimate Queso and insert into mouth. [You're dripping that stuff all over the place]

Variations:
Chili con Queso: add spicy, browned, ground-beef (85-15 minimum) to taste.

The Bartender says: Make sure you have a large towel available to wipe your mouth and chin and shirt and chair.

Cheers!

Limericks for Winos

From the files of Naughty Limericks...

Submitted By:Dan Benko

There once as a man from Nantucket

Whose dick was so long he could suck it

He said with a grin

As he wiped off his chin,

"If my ear were a c#%+ I would f@#* it!"

Scrubbing the Floor

From the files of ZooAss...

Scrubbing the Floor

One day Fred comes home to find his wife scrubbing the floor in just her bra and panties. He creeps up behind her and starts giving it to her up the ass. After he is finished, he slaps her on the cheek. She astonishment she asks, "What was that for?", and Fred replies "For not looking to see who it was!"

Dumb Ass Jokes

Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.

Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!

Harv E Roo: Bill:"My homework is really difficult tonight, I've to write an essay on an elephant."?
Kang A Roo: Bert:"Well, for a start your going to need a big ladder.."

Harv E Roo: Why do elephants do well in school ?
Kang A Roo: Because they have a lot of grey matter !

Harv E Roo: Teacher:"To which family does the elephant belong ?"
Kang A Roo: Pupil:"I don't know, nobody I know owns one !"

Harv E Roo: How do you spell elephant ?
Kang A Roo: E-l-l-e-e-f-a-n-t
Harv E Roo: "That's not how the dictionary spells it"
Kang A Roo: "You didn't ask me how the dictionary spelt it !"

Harv E Roo: Teacher: "Name six wild animals"
Kang A Roo: Pupil:"Four elephants and two lions !"

Harv E Roo: Teacher: "Where would you find an elephant ?"
Kang A Roo: Pupil:"You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose !"

Harv E Roo: What is the easy way to get a wild elephant ?
Kang A Roo: Get a tame one and annoy it !

Harv E Roo: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming ?
Kang A Roo: Here come the elephants

Harv E Roo: What's the best way to see a charging herd of elephants ?
Kang A Roo: On television !

Harv E Roo: Why do elephants have flat feet ?
Kang A Roo: From jumping out of tall trees !

Harv E Roo: Is the squirt from an elephants trunk very powerful?
Kang A Roo: Well, a jumbo jet can keep 500 people oin the air for hours at a time !

Limericks for Winos

From the files of Naughty Limericks...

Submitted By: Papa Johnny

A nudist girl wearing three raisins

A masquerade prize was her goal.

The judges said, "Lookie,

From the front she's a cookie,

From the rear she's a Parker house Roll."

Farmer's Bull

From the files of ZooAss...

Farmers Bull

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting this fact to a few of his friends down at the local grain silos. One
of them says, "You know, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but got it fixed really quick."

"How did you get it fixed?"

"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."

He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose.

The bull gets a rip-roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately.

That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's vagina
and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip-roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out loud,....

"Darling. Look at THIS!!!"

"She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

Dumb Ass Jokes

Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.

Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!

Harv E Roo: What's grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour ?
Kang A Roo: A jet propelled elephant !

Harv E Roo: What's big and grey and wears a mask ?
Kang A Roo: The elephantom of the opera !

Harv E Roo: What's grey, stands in a river when it rains and doesn't get wet ?
Kang A Roo: An elephant with an umbrella !

Harv E Roo: What' s grey with red spots ?
Kang A Roo: An elephant with the measles !

Harv E Roo: What's grey and never needs ironing ?
Kang A Roo: A drip dry elephant !

Harv E Roo: What's big and grey and red ?
Kang A Roo: A sunburnt elephant !

Harv E Roo: What's grey and goes round and round ?
Kang A Roo: An elephant in a washing machine !

Harv E Roo: What's grey and highly dangerous ?
Kang A Roo: An elephant with a machine gun !

Harv E Roo: What's big and grey and lives in a lake in Scotland ?
Kang A Roo: The Loch Ness Elephant !

Harv E Roo: What's yellow on the outside and grey on the inside ?
Kang A Roo: An elephant disguised as a banana !

Limericks for Winos

From the files of Naughty Limericks...

Submitted By: Bad Girl

There once was a man from Madrass

Who's balls were constructed of brass

When jangled together

They played stormy weather

And lightening shot out of his ass!

Horth

From the files of ZooAss...

The Horth
This couple owns a horse farm, and gets a call from a friend, who tells them, "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owners ask if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth", the midget replies. So the owners show him a mare.

The midget says, "Wet me thee her feet." So they pick up and inspect all her feet.

"Nith looking horth, can you pick me up an' wet me thee her mouf?" So the guy picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouf, hold me up a little higher tho I can thee her eyeths?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's eyes.

"Ok, waise me up a wittle higher tho I can wook in her eerths." Now the owner is getting a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him
the horses ears.

"OK, now, tan I see her twat?" With that, the owner picks up the midget walks around behind and shoves his head up the horse's vagina, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head and wiping his face, the midget says, "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Tan I thee her wun awownd?

Dumb Ass Jokes

Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.

Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!

Harv E Roo: What kind of elephants live in Antartica ?
Kang A Roo: Cold ones !

Harv E Roo: Why do elephants have trunks ?
Kang A Roo: Because they would look silly carrying suitcases !

Harv E Roo: How do you fit five elephants into a car ?
Kang A Roo: Two in the front, two in the back and the other in the glove compartment !

Harv E Roo: How does an elephant get out of a small car ?
Kang A Roo: The same way that he got in !

Harv E Roo: Why did the elephant cross the road ?
Kang A Roo: Because the chicken was having a day off !

Harv E Roo: What do you call an elephant at the North Pole ?
Kang A Roo: Lost !

Harv E Roo: What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill ?
Kang A Roo: "Pack your trunk and clear out !"

Harv E Roo: How do you get an elephant into a matchbox ?
Kang A Roo: Take all the matches out first !

Harv E Roo: What happened to the elephant who ran away with the circus ?
Kang A Roo: The police made him bring it back !

Harv E Roo: Why shouldn't you take an elephant to the zoo ?
Kang A Roo: Because he'd rather go to the movies !

Construction Work

Form the files of ZooAss...

Construction Work

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough, all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks,and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week". "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?

"I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking bricks", replied the little girl.

Limericks for Winos

From the files of Naughty Limericks...

Submitted By: Papa Johnny

There once was a Bishop of Treet

Who decided to be indiscreet,

But after one round

To his horror he found

You repeat, and repeat, and repeat.