Verbal Challenges For Drunks
Things That Are Difficult to Say When Drunk:
Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When Drunk:
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
You're right; I can't jump over that table.
37 Signs That You're Too Drunk
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence???
9. Two hands and just one mouth - now THAT's a drinking problem!
10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved when you were in the bar.
12. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
13. You fall off the floor...
14. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
15. "Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!"
16. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
17. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
18. Vampires and mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
19. At AA meetings you begin with: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
20. Your idea of cutting back means less salt.
21. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
22. The whole bar says "HI!" when you come in.
23. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
24. "Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
25. "I'm not drunk, you're just sober"
26. Roseanne looks good.
27. You don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.
28. "That damned pink elephant followed me home again."
29. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
30. "I'm as jober as a sudge."
31. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
32. You've fallen and you can't get up.
33. When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
34. "Beertender! Get me another bar!"
35. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
36. Your name is Ted Kennedy.
37. Foster Brooks appears sober to you.Bullshit so far »
53 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women
1. You can enjoy a beer all night long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A beer goes down easy.
16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
26. You can't catch social diseases from a beer.
27. When you're interrupted by a beer it's for a good reason.
28. A beer is always satisfying.
29. A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.
30. A beer won't tell you its pregnant for fun.
31. A beer does not come with in-laws.
32. No matter what the package, a beer still looks good.
33. To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box.
34. All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak.
35. Beer doesn't complain about farting.
36. The only thing a beer tells you is when its time to go to the bathroom.
37. You are never embarrassed about the beer you bring to a party.
38. Its okay to leave a party with a different beer than the one you brought.
39. Beer won't drive you to drink.
40. You can shoot a beer.
41. A beer chaser is easier to catch.
42. You don't need a license to live with a beer.
43. A tree is good enough for a beer.
44. Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.
45. Beer doesn't care how much you earn.
46. Beer and "ice" don't mix.
47. Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation--it goes along happily.
48. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.
49. Beer is happy to ride in the trunk of your car.
50. You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning.
51. Beer never complains about a wet spot.
52. You can put all your old beers together in one room and they won't fight.
53. A beer doesn't bleed one week out of the month.
Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Religion
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.Bullshit so far »