Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon: September 2006 Archives

Boobie Joke For Herbey

If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?

» by Madfish Willie on September 30 :: Permalink :: Comments (70) :: Jokes

Least Popular Children's Books - #1

» by Harvey on September 25 :: Permalink :: Comments (16) :: Least Popular Children's Books

Trust Me, I'm A Doctor

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

"Dave...............................

Dave....

Dave....

Dave...

Dave...

You're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard".

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on September 19 :: Permalink :: Comments (3)

Let's See Ya Answer These, Ya Fuckin' Know-it-all!

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "Panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Bullshit so far »

Can you cry under water? -- Yes.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? -- Not long at all; the words are synonomous.

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? -- The extra 'penny' is going to the listener. The thinker has been tricked.

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? -- If you're cremated, do you remain in ash form for the rest of eternity? Heaven is supposed to be a place of eternal happiness, and happiness is relative. So, if you like the outfit you were buried in (or if you like being ashes) then yes. Otherwise, no. One more unnecessary complication removed by atheism, though.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box? -- Because a circular box would be impractical. Do you think boxes arrive at the pizza places already folded up and ready to be used? Employees fold boxes in their spare time. You try folding a box with a circular edge. Then try doing 20 in less than 10 minutes.

What disease did cured ham actually have? -- Meats, ham included, were cured out of necessity when refridgeration was not an option. It prevents aging, rotting, and the reproduction of many harmful bacteria.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? -- When has America ever been known to do the right thing at the right time? At that time, it was just more important that we not get shown up by Russia. Anyway, there are some people out there that believe the moon landing didn't happen at all...

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? --Newborns wake up every couple of hours but after a few months most babies sleep very soundly for most of the time. In addition, babies sleep for a total of 17-20 hours a day (basically any time they are not eating or crapping) so the saying implies that they slept without any worries for quite a long time. Maybe secretly they are saying they woke up every couple of hours and cried their eyes out for no reason. Maybe anyone who claims to have slept like a baby should be institutionalized.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? -- Yes. Signings are a different thing entirely and it would cause a lot of confusion. :P

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? -- A movie is a program that contains a story, actors, dialogue, music, etc... all sorts of things IN the movie. The television is an electronic device that projects images onto a screen. Therefore all the images you see while watching TV are ON the TV, or IN a TV show. They are IN the program, and the program is projected ONTO the screen of the TV. Not to mention, saying you saw things in the TV is a little weird.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? "People" is a pretty general word. -- If you asked the question a litte more specifically, say, starting a little like... "Why do rich, bored people with nothing to do with their money but throw it away pay to go..." you will realize the answer to the question before you finish it.

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. -- To begin with, my doctor is not the one who leads me to an examination room; it's a nurse who takes me there. She has other things to do than to stand there and watch me change, plus I don't want all the employees seeing me naked. Secondly, my doctor doesn't see me naked. The paper gown has a purpose-- physical examinations do not necessitate complete nudity, and some people feel more comfortable with privacy and a thin paper gown. However, feel free to invite your doctor to stay and watch you strip down.

Why is "bra" singular and "Panties" plural? -- "Bra" is short for brassiere, a word that, through the natural evolution of language, has come to mean an undergarment support for lovely lady lumps. "Panties" is a slang word for "Underpants" which is a modification of "Pants" which is a shortened form of "Pantalones" or "Pantaloons". ONE pantaloon or one pantalone is actually just one leg-sleeve, as it were. Two makes a full set of what we call "pants" even though the modern garment is completely attached and singular. Therefore you say panties. However, in some lingerie shops/departments they say "Womens panty." I, personally, think that looks and sounds weird.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? -- Because some people buy lots of bread at once and freeze it to preserve it. If you don't want to take the bread out and wait for it to thaw, you can stick it in on the highest setting, and the toaster will thaw the bread and then toast it.

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? -- The carpool lane is limited to private vehicles driven by ordinary citizens commuting. Driving laws are state-by-state, but all carpool lanes have exceptions (Like ambulances and police cars and stuff) and as far as I know, hearses are another exception. It could vary from state to state. If hearses are not an exception, than probably they have to use the regular lanes like everyone else and just plan for lots of traffic.

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? -- Because he's a TV show character and if he did things logically there would be no show.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! -- They're also both cartoon characters designed to entertain small children. Not only can the cartoonists do whatever they like, but children will accept just about anything that is fed to their imaginations. Something else you should be worried about is why Goofy and an endless number of other TV show animals can speak english like humans (or like dogs making a good effort, in the case of Scooby Doo).

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner? -- Maybe he is against buying food that is packed with preservatives and potentially harmful chemicals. Maybe he is just trying to satisfy an instinctive animal need to hunt.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? -- Babies, obviously.

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?-- Yes.

Why did you just try singing the two songs above? -- I didn't. I got over this fact before I turned 10, many years ago when I had nothing REAL to worry about.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? -- The words are not based on the more crude areas of the english language, and asteroid are so far away that hemispheres need not even be considered. The -oid suffix generally means, "Appears to be". "Aster" means "Star." So "asteroid" means, literally, "Starlike" or "Appears to be a star." The "Hemo" in "Hemorrhoid" means "blood," as is exemplified by the word "Hemorrhage" which means "to bleed profusely." Therefore a "hemorrhoid" is something that "appears to be blood" or is "bloodlike." An a hemorrhoid is actually a swollen vein or what appears to be a blood-filled pustule, so the definition is appropriate.

So there ya go.

Jesika bullshitted on September 14, 2006 at 10:03 PM

« Shut your pie-hole!

» by Harvey on September 12 :: Permalink :: Comments (1)