Real American Hero

Mr Push Up Bra Inventor

Don't Go To The Same Eye Doctor As Madfish Willie

Madfish Willie was concerned about his failing eyesight and went into the opticians. The optician said he should stop masturbating.

Madfish asked, "Will I go blind?"

The optician said "No, but you are upsetting all the people in the waiting room."

Breast Police

Beat Herbey to this one....

Breast Police

Herbey's Identification

Do you know why Herbey has a piece of dog poop in his back pocket?

A Message From De Beers

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.”

The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

Since We're Discussing Nasty Things

Q) What's worse than shoving 5 oysters up an 80 year old pussy?
A) Sucking them out and finding 6.

Q) What's worse than sucking out an unexpected oyster from an 80 year old pussy?
A) The burp.

Question???

If farts didn't stink... would they still be funny?

You tell me.....

Madfish Willie Drives Home

How many pedestrians can you run over before time runs out?

[Hat tip: Sarah the Penguin of Because We Have Thumbs]

Dave's day

Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"

Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.

Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.

"Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

A conceptual problem

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby Photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it.", Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um, ... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??".

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam?.... Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

MORE VODKA, PLEASE...

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

Meanwhile At Madfish Willie's House...

Madfish Willie's wife is having an affair. Everyday when Madfish Willie leaves the house, she opens the backdoor, allowing the other man in the house. One day the son decides to play in his mother's wardrobe. He sees his mother bring the other man into her bedroom, and watches as they begin to play with each other. Suddenly Willie comes back home because he had left his suitcase in the bedroom. His wife instantly pushes the other man into the wardrobe and dresses herself. In the wardrobe, the son decides to start a conversation with the other man.
“Dark, isn't it?” the boy starts.
“Indeed.”
“I got a baseball mitt.”
“That's good!”
“Want to buy it?”
“How much?”
“$750…”
“Get real!” replies the man.
“I'll tell my dad on you!”
“Ok ok!”
So on that the day the boy had sold his baseball mitt for $750. The next day the boy did the same thing, and apparently the same thing happened again, his mother pushes the other man into the wardrobe. The boy starts the conversation again.
“Dark, isn't it?” the boy starts.
“Indeed.”
“I got a baseball.”
“That's good!”
“Want to buy it?”
“How much?”
“$20…”
“Get real!” replies the man.
“I'll tell my dad on you!”
“Ok ok!”
So the boy had now sold his baseball for $250. The next day Willie asked the boy to play catch in the park. The boy told Willie that he had sold his baseball and mitt. When Willie asked how much, the boy told him he sold both for $1000. Willie straight away dragged the boy into the car and took him to the church to confess. When the boy entered the confession booth, he starts the conversation again.
“Dark, isn't it?” the boy starts.
The priest replies, “Don't start that shit again!”

Golf And Sales

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew that hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't", he responded
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh!"
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

Drugs for women

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. MOMMA’S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person...Can we get naked now?”

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to put the toilet seat back down.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him

Being the best

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily.

Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."

"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"

She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."

Near-Death Experience

A blonde had a near death experience that has changed her forever. The other day, she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.

Dying to get in

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!

"By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell - but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Madfish Willie Goes Shopping

Madfish Willie walks into a grocery store. He picks out a can of Coke, a frozen pizza, a cup of noodles and some chips. He walks up to the counter and sees an attractive young blond girl and says "Hey". The girl says "Single, huh?" and Madfish says "Yeah, how'd you know?"
The girl replies "Cuz' you're fuckin' ugly."

I Guess This Means Madfish Willie's a Redneck

Because he fits just about every description on this list sent to me by VW Bug of One Happy Dog Speaks:

Your standard of living improves when you go camping.

Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.

You have a relative living in your garage.

Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.

There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.

You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.

None of the tires on your van are the same size.

You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.

Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.

Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.

Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.

Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.

You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.

Starting your car involves popping the hood.

Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.

You whistle at women in church.

You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.

You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat.

If you've ever fixed a broken coil primary wire on a car with a safety pin off your date's bra strap,
and didn't think the date was unusual.

If you've got a matching set of salad bowls that all say "cool whip" on them.

If you take the Christmas lights on the front porch down in November, and only long enough to
get them working again.

You've ever used duct tape to repair dental work.

You've unstopped a sink with a shotgun.

Your will states your wife can't touch your money 'til she's fourteen.

You have to pass through a metal detector to get to a family reunion.

Your coffee table is also a cooler.

Your mailing address includes the word "holler".

The first time you ever saw your wife in lingerie, you had to pay a cover charge.

You've sold a car to settle a bar tab.

The best sofa you ever had came out of a Chevrolet.

You've ever used your bathtub as a punch bowl.

If you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.

If you have ever used a barstool as a walker.

World's Dullest Blog

Here's a blog that is even duller than Herbey's... that has got to be one fucked up sumbitch to be worse than Herbey... poor bastard needs to get some imagination... or some pussy... something... damn!

Quandry???

Let's say you are working on a construction site... deep in the heart of Texas... 95+ degree heat for weeks on end... gotta take a crap... you screw up the nerve to go into the nasty filthy fucking port-o-_Jon... after you finsih your business, you stand up to pull your pants up and your wallet, full of cash and credit cards, falls into the tank...

What would you do?

Lesson #1 from Madfish Willie's International Bartending Institute

That's why you should NEVER put money in your mouth.

Overheard From The Corner of the Bar

Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

"I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!

What's the best date to bring on a picnic? One who will arch her back so your balls don't get grass-stained.

I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?

Boy: Do you like parties?
Girl: Yes, why?
Boy: Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there's nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die...

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"

Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?" He says, "No, our house isn't blue."

Breakfast at the Bartender's House

One morning while making breakfast, Madfish Willie walked up to his wife, pinched her butt, and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control-top pantyhose.”

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, Willie woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.”

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his privates.

With a death grip in place, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother!”

Mexican Earthquake

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America