Check This Out

[via Pam]

Herbey should like this one: Booby Cursor [NSFW]

Hold This

[via Boudicca's Voice]

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."

The man asks "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"

Herbey Turkey Day Party

I talked to Harvey earlier today and asked him how his Turkey Day went. He goes into this long diatribe about how everyone in his family came over to the trailer for Turkey Day and he even had an unexpected guest.

Lorena catches Debbie adding a box of Ex-Lax to Diane's special brown gravy to insure that everyone will "be regular" afterwards.

Niece Laura shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of it and proudly displays nephew Matthew's summons for his court date to answer for beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined Laura's new coat.

Blogless Brother John, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his "piece" in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars.

Cousin Ronnie shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Shandra, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister.

Uncle Roy coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup and asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of "Redman" chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back home.

Aunt Patty shows up with freaky sister Connie, who brings her new "best friend" as well as her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show.

Second-cousin Blogless Tom brings as his guest his current analyst, who's doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial subcultures.

Uncle Mike, who's legally blind but can see some shapes and colors and shadows and who also got legally blind fucking stone drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Sarah, keeps "accidentally" nearly falling into all the women and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.

13-year-old cousin Derrick asks his cousins Ben & Jeff if he can borrow their thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an eight-ball "rock" he just bought from cousin Scott.

Uncle Harvey serves the turkey flambe' by pouring some his famous homemade 'shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what hair is left on Uncle Gary's head and gives third-degree burns to his balding pate, filling the dining room with the stench of roasting human as well as turkey flesh, as 911 is called for the second time on this special Thanksgiving holiday.

Then, wouldn't you know it, on top of all this insanity, Jake is raising all kinds of hell at the door. No wonder, here comes Evil Glenn. Evil Glenn arrives carrying his super sized 7-11 mug full o' puppy smoothy in one hand and a hairless Chi-hua-hua doggie under his other scrawny pale-skinned arm. Jake jumps through the living room window and hauls ass down the street.

"Power's out over my trailer!" Evil Glenn exclaims. "I need to use your 'puter to surf the net for penguin porn, kangaroo humpin and XXX Black Peeing Porn! I might as well eat turkey dinner with you while I'm here. Oh, and I brought dessert!"

As they sit down for dinner Evil Glenn volunteers to say the thanksgiving prayer. Little did they know it would be a commie prayer to Satan!

After dinner Evil Glenn makes hisself at home and sits in Harvey's big orange bean bag chair in the corner of the room across from the 13" B&W TV with the tin foil antennaes on a coat hanger. He reads yesterday's paper, scouring the personal ads for a date. He finds one, makes a short phone call on Harvey's 1970 era rotary phone, jumps up, does a robot dance.

"I gotta go talk to Mudfish Billie and Fatty Sue" he screams joyously and runs down the road to his shitty little gin joint called Blender's. "See ya'll later. I gotta go murder some hobos and then I gots me a date" he shouts over his shoulder to the Trailer Park Addams Family.

"That was a great Thanksgiving Day. Now 'scuse me, I gotta go hunt down Jake," Harvey cries as he hangs up the phone.

[The strangest thing about the whole day is, no one in Harvey's family thought the second thing about Evil Glenn's perverse and evil activities! FREAKS!]

Pam's Thanksgiving Celebration

Highlights of Pam's Thanksgving Celebration!

He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I saw you across a crowded room.
Among all the others that were there,
The lights seemed to shine down on you alone.
I knew then I had to have you for my own.

Willingly, you came with me to my home.
From the car, I carried you through the door.
Looking at you, I admire your body,
your well shaped legs, and breasts.

Slowly I remove what wraps,
around your body so tightly,
fitting you like a glove.
Exposing your tender white skin.
From your neck I remove your charms,
and carry you off in my arms,
to the warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck,
flowing over your soft breasts then,
making your legs glisten with wetness.
Droplets of water cover your taut skin.
My hands rub your body, ummmm
running them through the beads of water.
Making them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside you.
You are warm and moist, so ready.
I carry your still dripping body,
to a laying place, so that I can
put inside you what was well
prepared to enter you before
we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down
your legs spread open wide.
You are ready now and so am I.

I put a little in slowly at first,
getting a feel for how much you can take in.
I put in more, you take it willingly.
In anticipation, faster and faster
I put it in, pushing it in deeply
as far as I can, until I can't
put any more in, you are so tight.

With your legs wrapped tightly,
not wanting to release any of it,
I make you so hot for a very long time,
until your sweet juices escape from within.

Then I taste you, with my tongue at first,
your skin is so soft and tender.
I taste more of you with my mouth,
you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.

Your juices coating my mouth,
making me drool in anticipation
of eating you more, with every taste.

"Oh yes", I say to you,
I must say Grace
"Thank God for Butterball turkey...
Amen."

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast

Madfish Willie's Weather Forecast For Turkey Day:

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Matty's Thanksgiving

Matty O'Blackfive Turkey Day Instructions:

How To Cook A Turkey
1) Go buy a turkey.
2) Take a drink of scotch whisky (Glenmorangie) or Jack Daniels.
3) Put turkey in the oven.
4) Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.
5) Set the degree at 375 ovens
6) Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.
7) Turn oven the on.
8) Take 4 whisks of drinky.
9) Turk the bastey.
10) Whiskey another bottle of get.
11) Stick a turkey in the thermometer
12) Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
13) Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.
14) Take the oven out of the turkey.
15) Take the oven out of the turkey.
16) Floor the turkey up off of the pick.
17) Turk the carvey.
18) Get yourself another scottle of botch.
19) Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
20) Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

Turkey Dressing (15#)
3 cups bread crumbs
2 large onions
2 cups of celery
2 tablespoons of poultry seasoning
2 cups of unpopped popcorn
Stuff turkey.
Bake at 350 degrees for 5 hours until corn pops and blows the turkey's ass across the room!

Drinking Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.
Barmen.

Thanksgiving Jokes

A few short jokes for your Turkey Day extravaganza!

• A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. ~WC Fields~
• Did you hear about the X-rated turkey? It's served with very little dressing.
• Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
• Imagine... if the Pilgrims had shot a wild cat instead of a Turkey, what would we be eating for Thanksgiving? [pussy?]


• Q: What's the difference between Thanksgiving dinner and pussy?
  
  A: You can eat your mom's thanksgiving dinner.
• Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
  
  A: I'll tell you at Christmas.
• Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
  
  A: It was the chicken's day off.
• Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
  
  A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
• Q: What key has legs and can't open doors?
  
  A: Tur-key.
• Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
  
  A: Hubble, hubble, hubble.
• Q: Why do turkeys always go "gobble, gobble"?
  
  A: Because they never learned good table manners!

A young boy, after hearing the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together, climbed up into his father's lap and said, "Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk?"

"That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard," replied his daddy as he ducked.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."

The representative from Butterball goes to see the Pope and asks him to change the Lord's Prayer from "Give us our daily bread" to "Give us our daily turkey". The Pope says that it is impossible, but the Butterball rep says that they are prepared to give the church a billion dollars to change it. The Pope says he must discuss it with the head Cardinals. The next day he calls them all together and announces he has good news and bad news. "The good news", he begins "is that the church is to come into a billion dollars. The bad news is that we are losing the Wonderbread account!"

Have you read President Clinton's Thanksgiving Day proclamation for 2000? It includes the warning that, under penalty of fine and/or imprisonment, it is illegal for Americans to eat turkey on Thanksgiving Day as of this year.

It seems that, according to a scholar doing research at the Library of Congress on Miles Standish (one of our Pilgrim Fathers), the Pilgrims did not serve turkey at the first Thanksgiving but served wildcats.

Therefore, starting with Thanksgiving 2000, all Americans must eat pussy for Thansgiving.

The day before Thanksgiving this little boy heard his mom and dad fighting. The husband said to his wife, "You stupid bitch, you have floppy tits." She wasn't about to be outdone and said, "Well you have a crooked dick, you bastard." Well, the little boy heard every word they said. After they got done fighting, he went up to the mom and asked her what bitches and bastards were. She told him that they were people. Then he asked what crooked dicks and floppy tits were. She told him that they were coats and hats. The little boy accepted both answers and went on his way.

The next day, they were getting ready for a huge feast with friends and family. The little boy went up stairs where his dad was shaving. The dad cut himself and said "Shit!" Well once again, the boy started asking questions and asked what "shit" was. The father told him that it was "shaving cream". The boy accepted this answer and went downstairs were his mom was stuffing a turkey. When the mom cut herself with a knife, she said "Fuck!" The boy once again asked what "fuck" was. She told him that it was "stuffing". About that time, the door bell rang.

When the little boy went to answer the door, it was his grandparents. Upon opening the door, the little boy said: "Hi bitches and bastards. Let me take your crooked dicks and floppy tits for you. Dad's upstairs putting shit on his face and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

Turkey Day Humor Links:

Thanksgiving E-Cards

Brilliant and hilarious cards to send electronically to your loved ones on Turkey Day, from the very creative Modernhumorist.com.

Valerie Archer...

A collection of WAV files pertaining to Thanksgiving. A few from the

Simpsons, Bart not OJ.

Thanksgiving Excuses

A list of excuses to get away from the family after you've stuffed yourself

silly.

Cybergeek's Thanksgiving

A collection of things for webheads and cybergeeks to be thankful for.

Thanksgiving Jokes

A bit corny but some good one liners.

More Thanksgiving Humor

From laffnow.com, more jokes for turkey day.

All About Thanksgiving

A large collection of Thanksgiving content from humor to cooking to decorating and much much more. Created by About Guides and presented by New England for Visitors guide, Kim Knox Beckius.

Thanksgiving Excuses

Things To Do Thanksgiving Day If You Want To Be Excused Early:

• Remind your 12 year old brother/sister that you left those condoms they asked for in the closet upstairs.


• Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed to take off your clothes at the dinner table.


• Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.


• Shoot olive pits at Grampa's glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!)


• Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.


• When it's your turn to state what you are thankful for, say "latex sheets and crisco".


• Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.


• Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.


• Sit at the "children's table" and lecture them on just why we need to increase the teenage pregnancy population.


• Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.


• As the family is being seated, shout, "Oh my Gawd, I forgot to show you all my genitalia piercing I got on Halloween!!"


• Hold your nose while you eat.


• Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.


• Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing".


• Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that you've got a new fear of choking.


• When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.


• During dinner, ask your brother if his mistress solved that little "dead rabbit" problem.


• Turn to Dad and tell him to advise your brother, having experienced that himself.


• Promise that the winner of the "wishbone tug" gets to sleep with your date. (sex/age unimportant)


• Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, "THE SAFETY IS ON", while you hold your pocket.

Thanksgiving Drinks

Here are some Thanksgiving Cocktails & Liquor:

For my friends Eric, Blackfive, Graumagus and other connoisseurs of fine scotch whiskies: Glenmorangie Single Highland Malt Scotch Whisky

Rick Gobbler

1/2 oz. Wild Turkey

3/4 oz. each of Chambord, Amaretto, and Cranberry juice

Shake well with ice.

Strain into a chilled glass for a shooter, or pour over ice in a highball glass.

Garnish with a lime wedge.

Tooty Fruity Turkey

Equal parts of ;

Wild Turkey

Peach Schnapps

Orange juice

Place all in a shaker with ice.

Strain into a chilled cocktail glass or

Pour over rocks in a highball glass.

Wild Turkey 101: Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

Wild Turkey Rare Breed: Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

Thanksgiving Stuff

Thanksgiving Poem:
Thanksgiving Thoughts by SilverBlue.

What To Expect:
SilverBlue tells us what he is expecting this year.

What To Do:
Thanksgiving - The Plan

Food for Thought:
Munuviana Caramel Apple Cheesecake from Jennifer.

Pumpkin Soup from Dizzy Girl.

Chocolate Chunk Cookies from SilverBlue.

Hot Virginia Dip from SilverBlue.

Snickerdoodles from Rocket Jones.

Simple Chicken Stew from Rocket Jones. [substitute turkey?]

Baked Potato Soup from Rocket Jones.

Here are some links to turkey cooking:

Turkey Cooking 101.

Turkey Basics: Safe Cooking

Thanksgiving Recipes for Dummies

Snowmans Smile

Q: Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?

Medical Emergency

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "If neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try." Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrusts continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell are you doing?!?!?!", screamed the husband. "Change of plans," the physician panted, "I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

2 Aspirin and Water

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.

His wife asks, "What's that for?"

He replies, "It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache.", she says.

He replies, "Good, let's fuck!"

Boy and the Train

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you bastards who are getting on, get your asses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She then hears the boy continue, "For those o f you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

Just as the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Women and Rocks

Why are women like rocks?

Scotsmens Kilts

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Blonde and the Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, Asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person ... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large ... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

Inquisitive Adam

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?"

GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."

So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvaceous and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"No, so that she would love YOU!"

Beer Trivia

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" - or what we know today as the "honeymoon".

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".

Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice.