Madfish Willie's Costume Contest & Clusterfuck
[Originally posted November 1, 2003 - some links will not be current - too fuckin bad if that bother you]It was a dark and stormy night…Well, it was nighttime, and the rain was pouring down on our heads like a cow peeing on a flat rock. Lightning bolts blasting through the black night followed closely by the thunderous booms of the cracked sound barrier. It was a great night for a Halloween Party at Madfish Willie's. The whole gang was coming down - the Corner of the Bar Gang, the Corner of the Bar Babes, all the Munuvians and various other assorted fruitcakes, kooks, and freaks of nature. After all, the Madfish Willie's Halloween Party, Costume Contest, and Clusterfuck was the biggest party of the year - even bigger than New Years Eve.
Harvey and Blackfive were the first to arrive. I almost didn't recognise them, except I could always tell Harvey by his big ole clown feet. He wore the big red clown shoes all year round - and he was always tripping and falling down and shit. Harvey was dressed as the Scarecrow with straw coming out of his shirt sleeves and pant legs a hollowed out pumpkin on his head. [He really needs a heart, too]
"Dam, Harvey doesnt that smell like shit after a while?" Blackfive asked.
"No, I'm used to the smell - I am a Sanitation Engineer ya know," Harvey mumbled back.
Blackfive was a Rodeo Clown. The whole clown face thing and a polka dot long sleeved shirt, and blue long johns under a pair of big old baggy knee length shorts, held up by red suspenders. He was wearing an old beat up crushed straw cowboy hat to top it off.
Next to arrive was Finn the Viking who was dressed as… you guessed it, a Viking Warrior. He was wearing one of those Viking helmets with the big horns sticking out the sides like you see at the football games. Long, flowing blonde hair and carrying a giant norse broadsword. Heavy animal skins draped his massive shoulders. He was accompanied by his beautiful and scantily clad red-haired wench, Linda.
Following them into the party were a bunch of bloggers in their great, costumed characters:
Susie - An old time Barmaid with short skirt, fishnet stockings, and a frilly low, low-cut blouse;
Helen - I Dream of Jeanie with the veil and that sexy little see through jeanie outfit;
Kate - Playboy Bunny with the bunny ears and those big hooters not quite completely stuffed into the push up thingy they wear and poking everybody in the eye who walked by
Serenity - Lela from Futurama with one big eye in the middle (I don’t how she saw where the hell she was going all night), black boots, and wrist thingy she kept hitting everyone with;
Dana, America's #1 Pin up Girl - Ginger in her slinky form-fitting, silk floor-length formal dress;
Heather - Mary Ann in a pair of short, short, short cut off jeans and half shirt tied at the… well… the boobs and just barely keeping them from popping right out;
Candy - A Mermaid with long golden curls, itty bitty shiny green bikini top with her boobies popping out, and long green fish tail;
Jennifer - Dr Beverly Crusher from Star Trek TNG in a skin-tight, form-fitting, blue, one-piece uniform;
Emporer Misha I - Master of His Domain, complete with his two snarling, slobbering, rottweilers - Geri and Freki
Frank J - came as a Fucking Hippy with tie-died shirt with a peace sign on the front, matching head scarf, tattered dirty jeans with holes in the ass and half torn off patches on the knees, dark aviator sunglasses and a goddamn white daisy flower in his filthy fucking hair – and boy did he stink!;
SilverBlue - the Red Skelton Hobo with really heavy make-up – he maybe went a little overboard on that - but he smelled like booze and vomit, real nasty, and had bags under his bloodshot eyes;
Lord Spatula I - Bad Ass Biker Dude in boots, chains, no shirt, black leather vest and chaps, or maybe he was some type of S&M guy, who knows;
Ted - Rocket Jones, the scientist extraordinaire with pocket protector, black horn-rims with the bridge taped together with adhesive tape, calculator, slide rule and everything ;
Victor - Gilligan… yes, that Gilligan with the goofy hat and the dumb-ass faux sailor outfit - damn, Victor is a natural spittin image of Gilligan ;
Pixy Misa - Captain Jon-Luc Picard, in complete control of all he surveys;
Jim - Wild Thing from Major League - damn if he didn’t look exactly like him too, right down to the jagged haircut in the back, the big black horn rimmed glasses and Cleveland Indians uniform
Don - Long John Silver, the Pirate, although he kept trying to convince Helen he was Long Dong Silver, the porn star.
Tom - Norton from the Jackie Gleason show with the white t-shirt, vest and stupid looking hat;
Mookie - Raggedy Andy with red mop-haired wig, freckles and red and white checkered outfit;
Daniel - Data with silver face paint and no emotion chip (he wasn’t any fun - too rigid)
Simon - Frank N Stein, with big black shoes with 3” soles, flat head, ugly face, scare on forehead and bolts sticking out his neck. Then he put his costume on.;
Tuning Spork - He didn’t have a name for his costume. He wore what looked like a commode made of Styrofoam with the lid up. It had the tank on the back, with a roll of toilet paper on a roller on the side of the tank, a vase of flowers and a newspaper on the top of the tank with his head sticking out the center of the bowl! We didn’t know what to call him, so we named him Shithead!
Stevie - Father Guido Sarducci with black robe, white priest collar, across hanging from his neck and a black short-brimmed hat. And a King James Version Holy Bible.
Cherry - French Maid with short black skirt, black blouse with plunging, and I do mean plunging neckline and little white apron, thigh high black hose with the line up the back and 4” black come fuck me pumps;
LeAnn - Cheesehead, a Green Bay Packers fan, complete with a Brett Favre jersey and the cheese block hat;
Tiger - Cowboy Gorilla, big hairy suit (or was the big hairy dude just naked?), red bandana, white cowboy hat and longneck beer;
Tim - Crash Test Dummy wearing a flesh colored sweat suit with a double set of tire tracks running up the front, around the side and down the back;
Straight White Guy - Locutus of Borg and who spent the whole night trying to catch Picard and beat the shit out of assimilate him;
Doc Russia - Dr Bashir with genetically engineered genius IQ wearing the blue operating smock and facemask with a stethoscope draped around his neck;
Well we were partying our ass off and drinking way too much, especially Blackfive who keeps ordering 6 beers at a time. Damn, how the fuck can he keep drinking like that and still stand up? Lots o’ practice… I guess.
About midnight, we ran our costume contest. We turned up the house lights, and turned off the house music. Everyone in costume gets on the dance floor and walks around in a circle while the judges select the best contestants for a yell-off to determine the winner of the $500.00 cash prize! We play all the cool Halloween tunes like Monster Mash, Thriller, and the rest of kind of crap. Then, we picked what we thought were the best costumes and actors playing the part.
The judges picking the Best Costumes were Harvey, Blackfive, Misha (because nobody's gonna give him any shit if they don't like our choices), and me, Madfsih Willie (shit I goota learnd how spill me name wright).
Our finalists were: Finn the Viking and wench, Helen as I Dream of Jeanie, Cherry as French Maid, Straight White Guy as Locutus of Borg, Jim as Wild Thing, and Tuning Spork as Shithead.
We cleared the dance floor of the other contestants and bought them each a beer. Then as we called each finalist out the crowd cheered for their favorite costume. Each blogger stepped forward to thunderous appluse and great shouting. When each contestant stepped forward, the cheers just got louder and louder. Back and forth and back and forth.
It was such a close vote that we couldn't decide! And we gotta give the prizes away! What to do?
I'm gonna give you the chance to tell me who should win the costume contest. Vote in the comments until Monday night. Tuesday morning we'll announce the winner!
Bullshit so far »
Two Drunk Irishmen
A couple of drunk Irishmen are wandering home after a late night of drinkin' and carousin', and get into an argument. So, they stop at the nearest convent, hoping one of the nuns can settle their dispute.
They knock on the door, a Sister answers, and one of the Irishmen asks, "Beggin' your pardon, Sister, but do ye have any nuns here in this convent about yeah high?" And holds his hand about two and a half feet from the ground.
The sister answers, "No, no... I'm quite certain we don't have any sisters... not even novitiates, that are nearly that short."
"Well then, how's about one that short, somewhere in this parish?"
Again, "No, not even in this entire parish is there one that short, lad!"
"Well, I'm guessin' there's GOT to be one that short somewhere in the entire Diocese!"
"That I couldn't say - let me ask the Convent Mother Superior." She runs off and gets the Mother Superior, who appears at the door, saying, "No, I'm quite certain - there isn't a single nun in the entire Diocese that is quite that short! Why, I can assure you, there isn't a nun that short in the whole of Ireland!"
The one Irishman turns to the other one and says, "See wha' I waz tryin' te tell ye! Ye've just gone and focked a penguin!"
Bullshit so far »A Test for the Men
Test your powers of concentration with this "spot the ball" game.
Trust me, it's NOT easy.
Bullshit so far »Beer Drinker's Troubleshooting Guide
(shamelessly stolen from Sticks of From Chaos to Serendipity)
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
Who Says You Can't Meet a Nice Girl in a Bar?
Just remember to order the wine.
[Hat tip: VW Bug of One Happy Dog Speaks]
Bullshit so far »Bad Day at the Office?
Take it out on these stick figures.
I like the shotgun best.
Bullshit so far »Why I'm Not A Gynecologist Anymore
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While dong so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for abrasions and dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place!!!"
Bullshit so far »Sad News
It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news...
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll
model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else that kneads it.
Bullshit so far »Yes, More Than A Handful Is A Waste...
... but this is just ridiculous.
[Hat tip: VW Bug of One Happy Dog Speaks]
Bullshit so far »Missing the Point
Harvey was sitting at his usual corner stool one night, and I was bartending. I'd cut him off at six again, since he'd been drinking all day and smelled like the fermenting room on the Jack Daniels distillery tour. Anyhow, he'd been watching how Madfish Willie kept going up to women, whispering in their ear, and sometimes, just sometimes, the woman would leave with Willie, and he wouldn't come back until half an hour later!
Harv was fascinated. Willie obviously had a trick up his sleeve, and Harvey was a bit peeved that his buddy hadn't let him in on it. So, next chance he got, he staggered over to Willie and asked about it.
Willie told him, "It's very simple. I just whisper in their ear, 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' Most of the time, they're shocked, and say, 'WHAT did you say?' If that happens, I just go, 'Oh! I just said, particularly nice weather!'" But sometimes, they go, "SURE!"
Harvey slurs, "Got it! You shoulda tol' me shooner!" He goes up to the first woman he sees, and hollers at her, "HEY! YOU WANNA FUCK?"
She smacks him across the face and says, "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME????"
Harvey rubs his reddened cheek and mumbles, "Rainin' like a bitch outside, ain't it!"
Bullshit so far »Something I Overheard...
... from that hot dame down at the end of the bar...
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for "Suck Here."
Q: What is an Australian Kiss?
A: Its the same as a French Kiss, only *Down Under*.
Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire and call it a GoodYear!!
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come - they're wild and wet, but when they go - they take your house and car with them.
Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the mornings?
A. Because they don't have any balls to scratch. Bullshit so far »
Hey! You! The One Smoking the Joint!
You're gonna love this music video:
The Devil Went Down to Jamaica
Bullshit so far »Wisdom with age
Morris, the old professor, visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well..." the professor drawled, "not bad at all, to be honest. The wife isn't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."
"My goodness Morris, and at your age too," the doctor said. "I hope you at least took some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I'm not senile yet, doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."
When Cartoons Go Bad
Sick.
Wrong.
Funny.
Not safe for work.
Bullshit so far »» Ex-Donkey Blog links with: Chipmunkz Wit Attitude
» Owlish Mutterings links with: We're the Chipmunkz
Wake Up, Asshole!
If Satan made alarm clocks, I imagine they'd be very much like this.
This is just fucking evil.
Bullshit so far »Ever Wonder Why Madfish Willie Tends Bar?
Let's just say that he USED to work construction.
Bullshit so far »
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Son of Monster Mash-Up: Tricks, Treats, and Dead Beats
http://audium.blogspot.com/2005/10/son-of-monster-mash-up-halloween-mash.html
Audiosports bullshitted on October 25, 2005 at 09:47 PM