Serving Wine
From the files of Cork Cuisine
Choreography
Opening the Bottle
- Cut the foil off neatly below the rim.
- Remove the cork, taking care not to bend it.
- Be careful not to shake the wine up, especially in the case of older wines that may have thrown sediment.
Pouring the Wine
- Wipe the top of the bottle, or pour about an ounce into your glass to remove cork fragments. This also enables you to inspect the colour, texture and taste of the wine.
- Inspect the cork to see that it is not too dry and crumbling. This can indicate a bottle of wine that has been standing upright for a long period. If the cork is dry it may shrink; this can lead to oxidation, or "corked" wine.
- Decant the wine if necessary by pouring it into a carafe. Make sure no sediment transfers into the new container.
- Fill the wine glass to two-thirds of its capacity. This allows the bouquet to develop and makes it easier to drink and swirl the wine without spilling.
Storing the Wine at the Table
- Place the bottle at the right side of the host.
- Ask for an ice bucket if the wine is too warm, or refuse one if the wine is too cold. Don't be shy!
Quick Wine Tip
Giving the bottle a little twist after pouring avoids spilling or dripping on the tablecloth.
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What's a moo hoo for a young calf?
Kang A Roo: A new moo!
Harv E Roo: What's a moo hoo for grazing school?
Kang A Roo: Grass class!
Harv E Roo: What's a moo hoo for the sound you hear when a cow spits?
Kang A Roo: A cud thud!
Harv E Roo: What's another name for a cowhand?
Kang A Roo: Hamburger helper!
Harv E Roo: When a bull wants to listen to a cassette, what does he put on his head?
Kang A Roo: Steer phones!
Harv E Roo: When is a farmer like a magician?
Kang A Roo: When he turns his cow into pasture.
Harv E Roo: When was beef the highest?
Kang A Roo: When the cow jumped over the moon!
Harv E Roo: Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
Kang A Roo: In his beef case!
Harv E Roo: Where did the mooron take the baby cow to eat?
Kang A Roo: To the calf-ateria!
Harv E Roo: Where do cows go on dates?
Kang A Roo: The moo-vies!
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What's a cow's favorite moosical note?
Kang A Roo: Beef-flat!
Harv E Roo: What's a moo hoo for a baby cow's giggle?
Kang A Roo: A calf laugh!
Harv E Roo: What's a moo hoo for a bull's haircut?
Kang A Roo: A steer shear!
Harv E Roo: What's a moo hoo for a bunch of weirdo cattle?
Kang A Roo: A nerd herd!
Harv E Roo: What's a moo hoo for a cattle dinner?
Kang A Roo: Cow chow!
Harv E Roo: What's a moo hoo for a cow barn on a holiday?
Kang A Roo: A merry dairy!
Harv E Roo: What's a moo hoo for a cow's cud?
Kang A Roo: A moo chew!
Harv E Roo: What's a moo hoo for a darling bull?
Kang A Roo: A dear steer!
Harv E Roo: What's a moo hoo for a stuffed steer?
Kang A Roo: A full bull!
Harv E Roo: What's a moo hoo for a tug-of-war between two longhorns?
Kang A Roo: A bull pull!
.jpg)
Serving Wine
From the files of Cork Cuisine
In the world of connoisseurs, there are several rules that are a must for formal wine service.
May I Have Another Glass?
For many wine lovers, enjoying a great bottle tends to be a very involved process. However, understanding ways to enjoy wine elevates the entire wine tasting experience.
Glasses
Different shapes of glasses are made to complement different types of wine. Be sure, when serving or drinking wine, to use the proper wine glass. This will help you enjoy your wine to the fullest.
White wine glasses are tulip shaped. If other glasses are unavailable, white wine glasses are acceptable to serve red or sparkling wine.
Red wine glasses are usually larger in size. They have a rounder bowl to enhance the wine's aroma by allowing more air contact.
Flutes are for sparkling wines or Champagne. These are tall and thin to bring out the delicate scent and effervescence of the wine.
The proper way to hold any style of glass is by the stem. In addition to keeping unsightly fingerprints off of the glass, this also prevents the wine from heating to an undesirable temperature. Beware of too large a bowl; it can make a glass unsteady.
For a good all purpose wine glass, look for a glass with a minimum capacity of 10 oz. The glass must be transparent to allow the taster to examine the wine's colour and body. The glass should also curve in at the top to retain the bouquet or scent.
All purpose white wine glasses are adequate for serving red wine, but it is unacceptable to serve white wine in a red wine glass.
Bullshit so far »Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What kind of cow goes, "Beeeeep, beeeeep!"
Kang A Roo: A longhorn!
Harv E Roo: What kind of cows do you find in Alaska?
Kang A Roo: Eski-moos!
Harv E Roo: What magazine makes cows stampede to the newsstand?
Kang A Roo: Cows-mopolitan!
Harv E Roo: What newspaper do cows read?
Kang A Roo: The Daily Moos.
Harv E Roo: What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Kang A Roo: Cowboom!
Harv E Roo: What South American dance do cows like to do?
Kang A Roo: The Rump-a
Harv E Roo: What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Kang A Roo: Your calves!
Harv E Roo: What US state has the most cows?
Kang A Roo: Moosouri!
Harv E Roo: What would you get if you crossed a cow with a rabbit?
Kang A Roo: Hare in your milk!
Harv E Roo: What would you hear at a cow concert?
Kang A Roo: Moo-sic!
.jpg)
Serving Wine
From the files of Cork Cuisine
In the world of connoisseurs, there are several rules that are a must for formal wine service. These rules include the following:
- Use the correct glasses according to the wine served.
- Use correct table settings.
- Do not smoke at the table.
- Decant the wine if sediment is present. This separates the sediment from the wine and aerates it as well.
- Serve the wine at its proper temperature.
- Let red wines "breathe."
- Cut the capsule (the foil just below the lip of the bottle).
- Uncork the wine properly (do not bend the cork).
- Pour the cork (about an ounce in a glass). This checks the wine for colour, texture, and taste, and removes any bits of broken cork out of the wine.
- Pair food and wine to complement each other.
More Wine Etiquette tomorrow!
Bullshit so far »Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What is a moo hoo for a cow that fell into the thresher?
Kang A Roo: Ground round!
Harv E Roo: What is a moo hoo for a delightful ranch owner?
Kang A Roo: A charmer farmer!
Harv E Roo: What is a moo hoo for a sheepish steer?
Kang A Roo: A woolly bully!
Harv E Roo: What is a moo hoo for steak that came late?
Kang A Roo: Filet delay!
Harv E Roo: What is a moo hoo for the bucket that goes at the back end of the cow?
Kang A Roo: A tail pail!
Harv E Roo: What is the daffynition of "derange"?
Kang A Roo: De place where de cowboys ride!
Harv E Roo: What is the daffynition of "moon"?
Kang A Roo: The past tense of "moo"!
Harv E Roo: What is the golden rule for cows?
Kang A Roo: Do unto udders as you would have udders do to you!
Harv E Roo: What is the most important use for cowhide?
Kang A Roo: To hold the cow together.
Harv E Roo: What kind of bulls giggle?
Kang A Roo: Laughingstock!
Happy Birthday
A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.
"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18."
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"
The bartender asks "So which one died?"
"No one."
"But you only ordered two drinks!"
"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."
[Today just happens to be MY birthday... I'm so old, I'm fartin dust!]
Bullshit so far »Evolution of the Cocktail
1960 to 2000 – Commercialisation and Innovation
In the second half of the twentieth century, the Cocktail has taken on many guises as its popularity has fluctuated. Literature and film (“Shaken not stirred…”) have contributed to the images now grasped by the marketers and advertisers. We have tropical drinks to remind us of holidays and sunnier climes, while other cocktails achieve cult popularity, for example, as a representation of jazz era cool style.
Mass production of branded mixes and other ingredients has allowed cocktails to become available to all and at better prices. Making authentic cocktails with quality ingredients and timeless flavours will always be popular, while more people than ever have access to great sources of mixers and spirits. This can only encourage the key ingredients to the best cocktails: individual innovation and interpretation!
Bullshit so far »Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What game do little cows like to play?
Kang A Roo: Moonopoly.
Harv E Roo: What gives milk and has a horn?
Kang A Roo: A milk tank!
Harv E Roo: What goes oo ooo oooo?
Kang A Roo: A cow with no lips.
Harv E Roo: What hair style is a calf s favorite?
Kang A Roo: The cowlick!
Harv E Roo: What happened to the lost cattle?
Kang A Roo: Nobody's herd.
Harv E Roo: What happens when a cow stops shaving?
Kang A Roo: It grows a Moostache.
Harv E Roo: What happens when the cows refuse to be milked?
Kang A Roo: Udder chaos!
Harv E Roo: What has four legs and goes, "Oom! Oom!"?
Kang A Roo: A cow walking backwards!
Harv E Roo: What is a calf after it is six months old?
Kang A Roo: Seven months old!
Harv E Roo: What is a cow's favorite lunch meat?
Kang A Roo: Bullogna
Harv E Roo: What is a moo hoo for a cow fight?
Kang A Roo: A cattle battle!
Evolution of the Cocktail
1934 to 1959 – The Margarita is Born
This period saw consolidation of the cocktail scene and some great innovations were made. One of the most popular cocktails, the Margarita, originates in 1948. Some say a Dallas socialite named Margarita Sames hosted a poolside Christmas party at her vacation home in Acapulco, Mexico. The party game for Margarita was to see what concoctions she could develop behind the bar, and let her guests rate the results. When she mixed three parts tequila with one part triple sec and one part lime, it was such a success among her guests that it quickly travelled from Texas society to Hollywood and the rest of the country, bearing her name.
Legend also says the drink originated in the early 1930s at the Caliente Racetrack Bar in Tijuana, Mexico. There is little evidence, though, for the story of showgirl Marjorie King who had an allergy to most alcoholic drinks and could only drink tequila. In 1938, she asked for a tequila cocktail rather than a shot at the Rancho Del Gloria Bar in Rosarita Beach, Mexico. The bartender, Danny Herrera, poured tequila over shaved ice then added lemon and triple sec naming it after Marjorie translated into Spanish.
Bullshit so far »Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross a steer and a chicken?
Kang A Roo: Roost beef!
Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Kang A Roo: Dracowla!
Harv E Roo: What do you get when you cross a cow with a kangaroo?
Kang A Roo: A kangamoo!
Harv E Roo: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a cow?
Kang A Roo: Cockadoodlemoo!
Harv E Roo: What do you use this rope for?
Kang A Roo: I use it to catch cattle.
Harv E Roo: Oh really? What do you use for bait?
Harv E Roo: What does a cow like to do by a campfire?
Kang A Roo: Roast Moosmallows!
Harv E Roo: What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
Kang A Roo: A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle!
Harv E Roo: What does an invisible man drink?
Kang A Roo: Evaporated milk!
Harv E Roo: What famous painting do cows love to look at?
Kang A Roo: The Moona Lisa!
Signs You May Be Drinking Too Much
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
15. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
16. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.
18. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
19. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
20. Roseanne looks good.
21. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22. That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23. Senator's Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
24."I'm as jober as a sudge."
25. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
Bullshit so far »Evolution of the Cocktail
1920 to 1933 - Prohibition in the US
On January 16, 1920, the National Prohibition Act became the 18th Amendment to the United States Constitution. This meant it was illegal to manufacture, sell, transport, import, or export any 'intoxicating liquors.’ Despite this, much of the general public still had ways to gain access to the illegal substance, often through speakeasies and private parties. Gangsters focused on bootlegging and moonshine, and Chicago was a centre of booze, gambling and prostitution. Al Capone was the most notorious crime boss and the power behind the illegal activities in Chicago during Prohibition. As a gangster and racketeer, Capone became one of the biggest bootleggers of all time.
The popularity of cocktails at that time was at least partly due to the need to cover up the bad taste of some of the crudely produced hooch served up by the bootleggers. Some of the cocktail recipes used today were invented in the days of Prohibition as cocktail recipes flourished in the illegal bars, parties and clubs of the major American cities.
Bullshit so far »My Cat Hates You
From the files of My Cat Hates You:
A seance gone horribly awry brought this beast from the netherworld. She now haunts humanity in this twisted form.
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What do you get from a cowmedian?
Kang A Roo: Cream of Wit!
Harv E Roo: What do you get from a forgetful cow?
Kang A Roo: Milk of amnesia!
Harv E Roo: What do you get from a short-legged cow?
Kang A Roo: Dragon milk!
Harv E Roo: What do you get from an invisible cow?
Kang A Roo: Evaporated milk!
Harv E Roo: What do you get from pampered cows?
Kang A Roo: Spoiled milk!
Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross a cow and a threshing machine?
Kang A Roo: A lawn mooer!
Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross a cow with a spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster?
Kang A Roo: A cockerpoodlemoo!
Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross a cow with a tension headache?
Kang A Roo: A bad mood!
Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross a cow, a french fry, and a sofa?
Kang A Roo: A cowch potato!
Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross a longhorn with a knight?
Kang A Roo: Sir Loin!
Wife's Special Treat
A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he dares have only one beer. The bartender asks him what the problem is, and he replies "The last time I came in drunk at 3:00 A.M. my wife was so bent out of shape we damn neared ended up in divorce court."
The bartender replies "I'll you what, all you have to do is give her an extra special treat and she'll forget her little difficulty with you."
"Such as?" asks the man.
"Do you ever go down on her?"
The man replies, "I really can't bring myself to do that, and, in fact, the mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach!"
"I'd get over it if I were you," replies the bartender. "Just think, she'll be so grateful and no matter how loaded you are you won't be all stressed-out trying to keep it up and end up resorting to soft-packing."
"I'll give it a try. And now, get me a double Manhattan!"
Our hero stumbles in the house blind-drunk and having a hard time containing his guts. "I'll get this over quick and hope not to upchuck all over her." he thinks. "I don't EVEN want to see it," he tells himself and so goes into the bedroom without even turning on the light and dives straight under the covers at the foot of the bed. The response is incredible!
Our hero's response is an incredible wave of nausea so he rushes into the bathroom where he sees his wife sitting on the toilet taking a tinkle.
"I don't know how you beat me in here," he says, "but be quick! I've got an emergency!"
"Shut up you damn drunk," she hisses. "Your mother's in there trying to sleep!!"
Bullshit so far »Evolution of the Cocktail
Over the years, the cocktail has become an institution to drinkers worldwide. However, the cocktail’s evolution is both fragmented and contested.
The true creation of a popular cocktail can be traced to the nineteenth century.
One early written reference to the term "cocktail" as a drink based on spirits with other spirits and additives can be found in an American magazine, The Balance, published in May 1806. It stated that a "Cocktail is a stimulating liquor, composed of spirits of any kind, sugar, water, and bitters…”
1860 to 1920 – California: The Birthplace of the First Cocktails?
The cocktail’s fragmented history begins in the nineteenth century. One of the first of the modern cocktails to be named and recognised is the Martini. It can be traced back to an 1862 recipe for the Martinez. This American recipe consisted of four parts sweet red vermouth to one part gin, garnished with a cherry. "Professor" Jerry Thomas tended the bar of the old Occidental Hotel in San Francisco and reputedly made the drink for a gold miner on his way to the town of Martinez, which lies forty miles to the east. The recipe for the Martinez in Thomas’ 1887 bartender's guide called for Old Tom gin, sweet vermouth, a dash of maraschino and bitters, as well as a slice of lemon and two dashes of gum syrup.
A modern day Dry Martini consists of gin and dry white vermouth to taste, garnished with an olive. Obviously, gin has changed a lot since then, when it would have been relatively sweet compared to modern gins. Some even claim the Martini was named after the Martini-Henry rifle used by the British army around 1870, as both the rifle and the drink had a strong kick!
What we do know is that by 1900 in the USA, the Martini had become known nationwide and had spread to the other side of the Atlantic. This is said by some to be the beginning of the golden age of cocktails. During this time a basic list of cocktails emerged and steadily became more and more popular.
Bullshit so far »Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What do you call a cow that fell in a hole?
Kang A Roo: A hole-y Cow!
Harv E Roo: What do you call a cow that's just had a baby?
Kang A Roo: De-calfinated!
Harv E Roo: What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
Kang A Roo: A lawn moo-er.
Harv E Roo: What do you call a herd of cows in a psychiatrists office?
Kang A Roo: An encownter group.
Harv E Roo: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Kang A Roo: Laughing stock.
Harv E Roo: What do you call explosive cow vomit?
Kang A Roo: A cud missle!
Harv E Roo: What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Kang A Roo: Steer Wars.
Harv E Roo: What do you call it when one bull spies on another bull?
Kang A Roo: A steak-out!
Harv E Roo: What do you get from a cow on the North Pole?
Kang A Roo: Cold cream!
Harv E Roo: What do you get from a cow with a split personality?
Kang A Roo: Half and half!
Make The Donkey Laugh
A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink. He then notices a jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for.
The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and "if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars."
The man says, "I can do it!" So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves.
About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars." The man says, "ok I'll do it!"
He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, "How did you make the donkey laugh?"
The man looks at the bartender and says, "Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did".
"How did you make him cry?" asks the bartender?
"Well I showed him."
Bullshit so far »History of the word "Cocktail"
The origin of the name ‘cocktail’ is not certain, though many explanations have been suggested.
History-Why “Cocktails”?
The history of the cocktail is a contested story whose truth may never fully come to light. All over the western world people have been experimenting with different combinations of drinks, both alcoholic and non-alcoholic for centuries. The origin of the name cocktail itself is not certain. Some of the more common (and amusing!) explanations are. . .
An Englishman’s Misfortune
In 1779, after her husband was killed in the American War of Independence, innkeeper Betsy Flanagan opened an inn near Yorktown that was frequented by American and French soldiers. An English chicken farmer lived nearby prompting Betsy to promise her American and French customers that she would serve them a meal of roast chicken. Her guests mocked her boasts saying she would never go through with it. One evening, an unusual number of officers gathered at her inn, so Betsy served a lavish meal of chicken, stolen from her English neighbour. When the meal was over, Betsy moved her guests to the bar, where she served up drinks decorated with a tail-feather from the chickens, amid rowdy calls for more “cock tails.”
A Ceramic Rooster
The owner of an American bar had a large ceramic container in the form of a rooster. The container was filled with the leftovers from drinks. The less affluent could get a drink from this container, served from a tap at the tail. Hence, the name cocktail became associated with a mix of drinks. Some say the quality was always high after English sailors had been in, as there was a good mixture of rum, gin and brandy in the cocktail.
Virginian Dregs
In nineteenth century America, a cock was a tap, while its tail was the last, muddy dregs of the tap. One Colonel Carter, of Culpepper Court House, Virginia, was served the tail at his local tavern. Seeing it as a disgrace, he threw it to the floor and said from then on he would only drink “cock tails” of his own design. His concoction was a mix of gin, lemon peel, bitters and sugar, and is possibly the ancestor of modern cocktails.
Night-mare-ish Strength
A "cocktailed horse" was a term for one whose tail has been bobbed, giving it a flamboyant and jolly appearance. As the mixed drinks served in the bars and inns had a very high alcoholic content, the name "cocktail" possibly came from its ability to "cock the tail", or get an careless customer drunk very quickly!
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
Kang A Roo: An udder failure.
Harv E Roo: What do you call a cow that plays the guitar?
Kang A Roo: A Moosician!
Harv E Roo: What do you call a cow who argues with her husband?
Kang A Roo: A bullfighter!
Harv E Roo: What do you call a cow with no front legs?
Kang A Roo: Lean Beef
Harv E Roo: What do you call a cow with no legs at all?
Kang A Roo: Ground beef
Harv E Roo: What do you call a group of cattle sent into orbit?
Kang A Roo: The first herd shot round the world!
Harv E Roo: What do you call a sleeping bull?
Kang A Roo: A bull-dozer.
Harv E Roo: What do you call a sleeping steer?
Kang A Roo: A bull dozer!
Harv E Roo: What do you call a tired cow?
Kang A Roo: Milked out!
Harv E Roo: What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
Kang A Roo: A milk dud!
Now, Something Completely Different
Don't click this link if you like kitties!
LMAO...
Bullshit so far »Win $10,000!
A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details".
He asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?" The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. The bartender says "if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step...
The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an alligator with a sore tooth. if you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three...
Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. She has never been satisfied by any man. if you can satisfy her, you win the money!"
The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. He orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. Five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded.
He orders another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?".
Bullshit so far »My Cat Hates You!
From the files of My Cat Hates You:
Agnes hates YOU and EVERYBODY.
Bullshit so far »Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What do cows get when they do all their chores?
Kang A Roo: Mooney.
Harv E Roo: What do cows like to do at amoosement parks?
Kang A Roo: Ride on the roller cowster.
Harv E Roo: What do cows like to listen to?
Kang A Roo: Moo-sic!
Harv E Roo: What do cows read at the breakfast table?
Kang A Roo: The moospaper!
Harv E Roo: What do cows sing at their friends birthday parties?
Kang A Roo: "Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo
Harv E Roo: What do cows usually fly around in?
Kang A Roo: Helicowpters and Bulloons.
Harv E Roo: What do cows wear when they're vacationing in Hawaii?
Kang A Roo: Moo moos
Harv E Roo: What do you call a bull that runs into a threshing machine?
Kang A Roo: Hamburger!
Harv E Roo: What do you call a bull that's sent overseas by boat?
Kang A Roo: Shipped beef!
Harv E Roo: What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor?
Kang A Roo: Ground Beef
Cool Images
Bullshit so far »
» Ramblings of SilverBlue links with: Hunka Hunka Burnin' Link-Luv™
Usenet Performance Art
From the files of W E B C E N T E R ...
Header Art
joe_1 (current leader in Number of Me-Too's)
[excerpt]
X-MeoW: +++++++MeoW+++++++MeoW+++++++MeoW+++++++MeoW+++++++MeoW
X-mEOw: mEOw$$$$mEOw$$$$mEOw$$$$mEOw$$$$mEOw$$$$mEOw$$$$mEOw$
X-MeOw: @@@MeOw@@@MeOw@@@MeOw@@@MeOw@@@MeOw@@@Me
X-MEow: MEow###MEow###MEow###MEow###MEow###MEow###MEow###ME
X-mEOW: *******mEOW*******mEOW *******mEOW*******mEOW *******mEOW *******mEOW
X-meoW: meoW%%%%% meoW%%%%% meoW%%%% meoW%%%% meoW%%%%meoW
X-meow: ======meow ======meow ======meow ======meow =====meow =====meow
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What band is a cow favorite?
Kang A Roo: Moody Blues
Harv E Roo: What country do cows love to visit?
Kang A Roo: Moo Zealand!
Harv E Roo: What did one dairy cow say to another?
Kang A Roo: Got milk?
Harv E Roo: What did the calf say to the silo?
Kang A Roo: "Is my fodder in there?"
Harv E Roo: What did the cow wear to the football game?
Kang A Roo: A Jersey.
Harv E Roo: What did the mooron say when he saw the milk cartons in the grass?
Kang A Roo: "Hey! Look at the cow's nest!"
Harv E Roo: What do cows call Frank Sinatra?
Kang A Roo: Old Moo Eyes!
Harv E Roo: What do cows do for entertainment?
Kang A Roo: They go to the mooooovies.
Harv E Roo: What do cows do when they're introduced?
Kang A Roo: They give each other a milk shake!
Harv E Roo: What do cows get when they are sick?
Kang A Roo: Hay Fever
» Beyond the Black Hole links with: Answering Idiots is the name of the game
Usenet Performance Art
From the files of W E B C E N T E R ...
Cascade, weiner-doggy n. A type of cascade where an element is added to the sentence with each followup, making each succeeding entry longer and longer:
>>>Weiner-doggy.
>>Neutered weiner-doggy.
>Syphlitic neutered weiner-doggy.
Syphlitic neutered weiner-doggy with worms.
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: I've just discovered a method for making wool out of milk!
Kang A Roo: But doesn't that make the cow feel a little sheepish?
Harv E Roo: Pa's being chased by a bull!
Kang A Roo: Well, what in tarnation do you want me to do about it?
Harv E Roo: Get me some film for my camera!
Harv E Roo: Name five things that contain milk.
Kang A Roo: Butter, cheese, ice cream ... and two cows!
Harv E Roo: That bull you sold me is a lazy good-for-nothing!
Kang A Roo: I told you he was a bum steer!
Harv E Roo: That tornado damage your cow barn any?
Kang A Roo: Dunno. Haven't found the durn thing yet!
Harv E Roo: What advice to cows give?
Kang A Roo: Turn the udder cheek and mooooove on!
Harv E Roo: What animals do you bring to bed?
Kang A Roo: Your calves.
Harv E Roo: What are cows favorite party games?
Kang A Roo: MOO-sical chairs!
Harv E Roo: What are the spots on black-and-white cows?
Kang A Roo: Holstaines
Cool Images
Bullshit so far »
» Munuviana links with: Useful Thingies
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: If a bull is chasing you, what steps should you take?
Kang A Roo: The longest ones I could!
Harv E Roo: If you crossed a cow with a goat, what would you get?
Kang A Roo: Half and half!
Harv E Roo: If you crossed a cow with an insect, what would you get?
Kang A Roo: A moosquito!
Harv E Roo: If you crossed a cow with Michael Jackson, what song would you get?
Kang A Roo: "Beeflt!"
Harv E Roo: If you crossed two cows with a flock of ducks, what would you get?
Kang A Roo: Milk and quackers!
Harv E Roo: If you had a gun and you were being chased by a bull and a mountain lion, which one would you shoot first?
Kang A Roo: The mountain lion. You can always shoot the bull!
Harv E Roo: If you make a cow angry, how will she get even?
Kang A Roo: She'll cream you!
Harv E Roo: If you see a whole field of cows, what's a fast way to figure out how many cattle there are?
Kang A Roo: Count the hooves and divide by four!
Harv E Roo: In what state will you find the most cows?
Kang A Roo: Moo York!
Harv E Roo: Is there big money in the cattle business?
Kang A Roo: So I've herd!
Daddies Long Legs
Being a Texan, this cracked me up:
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.Bullshit so far »He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," Her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"That might be OK in Massachusetts & California, but we're not having any of that shit here in Texas."
~LCVeeshir
in the comments at this post over at The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Usenet Performance Art
Found in alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk, this one had me rolling in the floor:
Our guest tonight on alt.usenet.kooks is very special...Bullshit so far »
let's all give Dick Hertz (Hey, who's Dick Hertz?) a big hand!
Usenet Performance Art
Form the files of W E B C E N T E R ...
Sig Files: July Ford-McKenna - 1000 LINES! Longer than Kibo!
[...]
Attention flonkers, nosers, altflamers, aunties, sig.bunnies,[...] Bullshit so far »
dolphin-fishers, disneyites, frogs, kooks and other netizens
TIRED of reading fuckhead cascades?
FED UP TO THE BACK TEETH with "me too!!!"
BORED with downloading hundreds of HFW lames?
SICK of reading dozens of permutations of the "bitch" flame?
IF YOU SEE ONE MORE BLOODY "yer sig's too long" you'll KILL YOURSELF?
***THIS SPIFFY .SIG!! (tm) will revolutionize USENET!!!***
Killfile everyone but me. That's July Ford-McKenna. That's it -
*plonk* the lot of 'em. *PLONK* *PLONK* *PLONK*Then read my .sig once a week.
THE SPIFFY .SIG!!(tm) There is NO substitute.
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: How did the calf s final exam turn out?
Kang A Roo: Grade A!
Harv E Roo: How did the cow feel when she couldn't give any milk?
Kang A Roo: Like an udder failure!
Harv E Roo: How did the farmer find his lost cow?
Kang A Roo: He tractor down
Harv E Roo: How do bulls drive their cars?
Kang A Roo: They steer them!
Harv E Roo: How do you make a milkshake?
Kang A Roo: Give a cow a pogo stick.
Harv E Roo: How does a cow do math?
Kang A Roo: With a cowculator!
Harv E Roo: How to you know that cows will be in heaven?
Kang A Roo: It's a place of udder delight.
Harv E Roo: I broke three wild bulls this morning.
Kang A Roo: How careless of you!
Harv E Roo: I can't decide whether to buy a bicycle or a cow for my farm.
Kang A Roo: Well, wouldn't you look silly riding a cow?
Harv E Roo: I'd look a darn sight sillier trying to milk a bicycle!
Harv E Roo:I hear you take milk baths.
Kang A Roo: That's right.
Harv E Roo: Why?
Kang A Roo: I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower!
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: A man climbed over a fence into a field to pick some flowers. He noticed a bull nearby.
Kang A Roo: Say, farmer. Is that bull safe?
Harv E Roo: Well, he's a lot safer than you are right now!
Harv E Roo: A summer visitor asked the farmer how long cows should be milked.
Kang A Roo: "Oh, I reckon about the same as short ones!" the farmer answered.
Harv E Roo: Cow: Why don't you shoo those flies?
Kang A Roo: Bull: I'll let them go barefoot!
Harv E Roo: Did you hear about the farmer who lost control of his tractor in the cow pasture?
Kang A Roo: No! Did he hurt the cows?
Harv E Roo: No, he just grazed them!
Harv E Roo: Did you hear about the snobby cow?
Kang A Roo: She thought she was a cutlet above the rest!
Harv E Roo: Did you hear that Canada sold the U.S. a large herd of bison?
Kang A Roo: Did Canada send the U.S. a buffalo bill?
Harv E Roo: Did you know that I'm a dairy maid at a chocolate factory?
Kang A Roo: That's strange. What do you do?
Harv E Roo: I milk chocolates!
Harv E Roo: Does running out of a burning barn make a cow unusual?
Kang A Roo: No, only medium rare!
Harv E Roo: How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented?
Kang A Roo: They were very impressed!
Harv E Roo: How did that bullfight come out?
Kang A Roo: Oh, it was a toss-up!
Designing Ideas!
Color codes... what are they... where do I find them... how do I use them... what about fonts... Thse are some questions we ask when starting on a design for our site. I have compiled some links to answer these questions and presented them by groups in the extended entry. Design gurus will tell you that content is king and design presentation should not detract from the actual content of your post. I am not presenting this information to discuss the theories of content and presentation. I am presenting it as a set of tools for you to use and decide for yourself how you want to present your content to your corner of the the world. I tend to favor a more bold approach to using color in my designs, whereas other designers prefer a more subtle approach. I've tried to give you enough information and reference sources so you would be able to make your own decisions and present your content how you want it to look for your readers. After all... it's your site... do what YOU want to do. Last Call »
Bullshit so far »
» Ramblings of SilverBlue links with: Massive Link-Luv™
Last Call
Last Call for Alcohol!
Bullshit so far »» DramaQueen links with: a good blogger, like a good bra, never lets you down
» Note-It Posts links with: Second Quote of the Day
» drowning at 2 feet sea level links with: Utter nonsense.
» Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love links with: Wednesday Warp
» Straight White Guy links with: Joke of the Day
» Practical Penumbra links with: Monday Morning Blues....
» drowning at 2 feet sea level links with: Sunday Roll Call
» Straight White Guy links with: Zevon again...
» Practical Penumbra links with: Idle blogs are the devil's playthings...
» margilowry [dot] com links with: Madfish Willie announces Last Call
» XSet links with: Party on dudes!
» Practical Penumbra links with: With a little help from my friends...
» dramaqueen .:. my horns are tangled in my halo links with: you flirt!
» Straight White Guy links with: Blogger Sins....
» Bad Example links with: GLENN'S LAW
» Bad Example links with: [INSERT THEME MUSIC HERE]
» Jennifer's History and Stuff links with: Harvey Interview
» Bad Example links with: ON THE CHICAGO BLOGMEET: ERIC OF STRAIGHT WHITE GUY
» Bad Example links with: BOOTCAMP BLOGSON COMING HOME SOON
Greatest Hitters Ever Comment Party
I'm starting a comment party about baseball in general and the Greatest Hitters Ever!
I'll post date it to October 1 [just in time to start a Play-offs comment party] so it will stay at the top, under the last call party.
So, if you are a baseball fan, jump in and let's hear your 2cents on the topic at hand!!
Bullshit so far »» BLATHER REVIEW links with: Aaah, the sweet smell of horse-hide
Scattershooting
Not much in the way of scattershooting this week... been busy helping move all the new MuNuvians set up their MT blogs and move their links and pics and stylesheets. It's not difficult, but it's real time consuming.
So far I've moved Key Issues, A Likely Story, Brain Fertilizer, There's One, Only (in process), Mamamontezz, Educated Beyond Her Intelligence, and there is someone else, but I can't remember... Oh yeah... it's Straight White Guy, who's moving off his current server/host due to some problems. We have so many new and excellent blogs at MuNuviana, it's getting hard to read them and everybody else I want to read everyday...
My new favorite blog is The Commissar! That guy cracks me up.
Hey, I'm flipping around the tube this weekend and I see The Blue Man Group on Direct TV's Freeview. Man... those guys KICK ASS!... a visual kaleidascope, an explosion of colors and textures, a veritable lighting and video extravaganza... if you like drums and percussion instruments, you won't want to miss this... they had four dudes working a colossal bank of drums just kicking ass the whole time... a unique auditory experience... the best part was Annette Strean from Venus Hum singing a cover of Donna Summer's I Feel Love! THAT ROCKED!!!! If you ever get the chance, don't miss the opportunity to experience the phenomenal Blue Man Group.
Check out this article about Google Bombing! Serves Kerry right... take A position... take ANY position... as long as it's only ONE postion. Google Bombs in USA Today... must have been a slow news day?
Kudos to Phil Mickelson on finally winning his first major golf tournament! The Masters, no less. And he's a lefty! Ya gotta like that.
Bullshit so far »
Usenet Performance Art
Found this one today at alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk...
what about this one? :Last Call »
this was posted today at the computer forum where i like to hang out, by Tsaven Nava, so all credits should go to him. i hope it didn't hide in his bed to wait for revenge, hehe.
regards
Anja
mhm 36x5
Bullshit so far »
» She Who Will Be Obeyed! links with: Glad I'm not this kid's mom!
» She Who Will Be Obeyed! links with: Glad I'm not this kid's mom!
Usenet Performace Art
Here's a sig file [Author: Tim Weaver] that I stumbled across today:
To err is human. To bleat is ovine. To bark is canine.Bullshit so far »To forgive is divine. To oink is porcine. To purr is feline.
To moo is bovine. To howl is lupine. This list is assinine.
Usenet Performance Art
From the files of W E B C E N T E R ...
FEAR OF A MEOW PLANET by The King of Rock
Bullshit so far »Greatest Hitters Ever
Madfish Willie's Greatest Hitter Ever - #4 Stan Musial
Awards:
• 1943: National League Most Valuable Player
• 1946: National League Most Valuable Player
• 1948: National League Most Valuable Player
• 1999: Named to All-Century Team (OF)
After 22 years as a Cardinal, Stan Musial ranked at or near the top of Baseball's all-time lists in almost every batting category. The dead-armed Class C pitcher became a slugging outfielder who topped the .300 mark 17 times and won seven National League batting titles with his famed corkscrew stance and ringing line drives. A three-time MVP, he played in 24 All-Star Games. He was nicknamed "The Man" by Dodger fans for the havoc he wrought at Ebbets Field, and is still renowned for his skilled harmonica playing.
Did you know... ... that on May 2, 1954, Stan Musial hit a record five home runs in a doubleheader against the Giants, including two round-trippers off future Hall of Fame pitcher Hoyt Wilhelm?
Here are his complete career statistics.
Here are his top 15 productive seasons according to the Madfish Willie Index:
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: Why did the chicken cross the road half way ?
Kang A Roo: He wanted to lay it on the line !
Harv E Roo: What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
Kang A Roo: They go on peck-nics !
Harv E Roo: What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy ?
Kang A Roo: "You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours!"
Harv E Roo: Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
Kang A Roo: He wasn't what he was cracked up to be !
Harv E Roo: Is chicken soup good for your health ?
Kang A Roo: Not if you're the chicken !
Harv E Roo: What do chickens serve at birthday parties ?
Kang A Roo: Coop-cakes !
Harv E Roo: What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn ?
Kang A Roo: An eggroll !
Harv E Roo: What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg ?
Kang A Roo: The bombshell !
Harv E Roo: Which day of the week do chickens hate most ?
Kang A Roo: Fry-day !
Harv E Roo: What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg ?
Kang A Roo: It eggs-plodes !
Around The Horn...
Opening Day! WooHoo!!!
The real Opening Day where everybody plays, not the piece of shit exhibition baseball in Japan and Mexico and everywhere else! I have to say that all that other stuff really dilutes the impact and excitment of what used to be a special day every year. The Boys of Summer... enternally young... playing the game we love so much... one more time!
Kaz Matsui hits his first HR in the ML... in his first AB... leading off the game... on Opening Day. How many times has that ever been done? Wave the magic wand ---> This is only the second time in Major League history !
Bonds parks one and is one away from tying Willie Mays at 660 for #3 All Time Home Run list.
Randy Johnson is being weird because he thinks he is tipping his pitches. Damn... you throw the ball 100 MPH... just blaze away... they can't hit THAT heater even of they KNOW it's coming.
Todd Helton, my candidate for the Hitter's Triple Crown this year, went 4 for 4 in the Colorado Rockies opener! Who was the last Major Leaguer to hit for the Triple Crown, you ask? Carl Yaztremski, Boston Red Sox, 1968 !
In other Sports news:
The University of Connecticutt won both the Men's College Basketball Title & the Women's College Basketball Title this year. How many times has that ever happened? This is the first time ever !
The women's team just completed back-to-back-to-back championship seasons!
Bullshit so far »Greatest Hitters Ever
Madfish Willie's Greatest Hitter Ever - #5 Joe Dimaggio
Awards:
• 1939: American League Most Valuable Player
• 1941: American League Most Valuable Player
• 1947: American League Most Valuable Player
• 1999: Named to All-Century Team (OF)
Joe DiMaggio is remembered as one of the game's most graceful athletes — a "picture player" both at bat and in center field. Many rate his 56-consecutive-game hitting streak in 1941 as the top baseball feat of all time. "The Yankee Clipper" used an unusually wide stance in winning two batting championships and three MVP awards. In 13 seasons he amassed 361 homers, averaged 118 RBI annually and compiled a .325 lifetime batting mark. At Baseball's 1969 Centennial Celebration, he was named the game's greatest living player.
Did you know... ... that in 1933, eight years before his famed 56-game hitting streak, Joe DiMaggio fashioned a 61-game hitting streak with the San Francisco Seals of the Pacific Coast League?
Here are his complete career statistics.
Here are his top 15 productive seasons according to the Madfish Willie Index:
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: Why did the cow cross the road ?
Kang A Roo: To get to the udder side !
Harv E Roo: Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Kang A Roo: Because it was stuck to the chicken !
Harv E Roo: Why did the chicken cross the "net" ?
Kang A Roo: It wanted to get to the other site !
Harv E Roo: What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning ?
Kang A Roo: An alarm cluck !
Harv E Roo: What does an alarm cluck say ?
Kang A Roo: "Tick-tock-a-doodle-doo !"
Harv E Roo: Why does a chicken coop have two doors ?
Kang A Roo: Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
Harv E Roo: How long do chickens work ?
Kang A Roo: Around the cluck !
Harv E Roo: Why did the chicken cross the road ?
Kang A Roo: To prove to the possum that it could be done !
Harv E Roo: Why did the chicken end up in the soup ?
Kang A Roo: Because it ran out of cluck !
Harv E Roo: Why did the cow cross the road ?
Kang A Roo: To go to the moooooovies !
Usenet Performance Art
From the files of W E B C E N T E R ...
Someone's Forging Glennie Webb: a poem-cascade.
This one ended up with The 2-Belo! Check out his header files for some additional silliness.
Bullshit so far »Usenet Performance Art
From the files of W E B C E N T E R ...
El Brujo explains to a hapless Canadian about the possibility of fellatio with 220 million people.
Bullshit so far »Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: Why did the chicken cross the road ?
Kang A Roo: To get to the other side
Harv E Roo: Why did the rooster cross the road ?
Kang A Roo: To cockadoodle dooo something
Harv E Roo: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?
Kang A Roo: He heard the referee calling fowls
Harv E Roo: Why did the turkey cross the road ?
Kang A Roo: To prove he wasn't chicken
Harv E Roo: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again ?
Kang A Roo: Because he was a dirty double-crosser
Harv E Roo: Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road ?
Kang A Roo: Because he didn't have enough guts
Harv E Roo: Why did the chicken cross the playground ?
Kang A Roo: To get to the other slide
Harv E Roo: Why did the dinosaur cross the road ?
Kang A Roo: Because chickens hadn't evolved yet
Harv E Roo: Why did the turtle cross the road ?
Kang A Roo: To get to the shell station
Harv E Roo: Why did the horse cross the road ?
Kang A Roo: Because the chicken needed a day off
Usenet Performance Art
From the files of W E B C E N T E R ...
All Bound for Meow Meow Land by posterkid.
Bullshit so far »Greatest Hitters Ever
Madfish Willie's Greatest Hitter Ever - #6 Rogers Hornsby
Awards:
• 1922: National League Triple Crown
• 1925: National League Triple Crown
• 1925: National League Most Valuable Player
• 1929: National League Most Valuable Player
• 1999: Named to All-Century Team (2B)
Perhaps the game's most consistent right-handed hitter, Rogers Hornsby captured seven batting titles — including six in a row — averaging better than .400 three times. A complete player whose passion for the game was shown both on and off the field, Hornsby's .424 mark in 1924 is a National League record for the 20th century and his career average of .359 is the highest ever in the National League. "The Rajah," a two-time MVP and Triple Crown winner, was the player-manager of the Cardinals' first World Championship team in 1926.
Did you know... that on September 13, 1931, Rogers Hornsby became the first big leaguer to connect for an extra-inning, pinch-hit grand slam, as the Cubs defeated the Braves in 11 innings, 11-7?
Here are his complete career statistics.
Here are his top 15 productive seasons according to the Madfish Willie Index:
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What do you call a crazy chicken ?
Kang A Roo: A cuckoo cluck !
Harv E Roo: What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way ?
Kang A Roo: She was tickled to death !
Harv E Roo: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck?
Kang A Roo: A bird that lays down !
Harv E Roo: Why don't chickens like people ?
Kang A Roo: They beat eggs !
Harv E Roo: Why did the rooster run away ?
Kang A Roo: He was chicken !
Harv E Roo: What do chickens grow on ?
Kang A Roo: Eggplants !
Harv E Roo: Why is it easy for chicks to talk ?
Kang A Roo: Because talk is cheep !
Harv E Roo: What happens when a hen eats gunpowder ?
Kang A Roo: She lays hand gren-eggs !
Harv E Roo: What happened when the chicken ate cement ?
Kang A Roo: She laid a sidewalk !
Harv E Roo: What did the chicken do when he saw a bucket of fried chicken ?
Kang A Roo: She kicked the bucket !
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »Scattershooting...
My cat Harold is housebroken. He runs outside to make a poop. No nasty litter boxes to clean up. How cool is that? He looks like a holstein milk cow - black spots on white body. Except his nose... that has a little brown patch on it... it looks like he has been out burying a bone or something in the dirt like a dog and then covering it up with his nose.
Has anybody beside me ever seen the movie Evil Roy Slade? I saw that when I was in high school. I laughed my ass off. As a baby, his family was headed west in a wagon train. The wagon train was attacked by Indians and everyone killed or taken away or something. The only one left was this baby in a diaper. The Indians took one look at the baby and ran away. Next, the wolves came. They took one look at the baby and ran away. So, he grows up all alone out on the prairie in his diaper. Cut to several years later... Evil Roy Slade, fully grown and still wearing his diaper, is wondering around in the fields, stumbles over something, walks up to a big bunch of prickley pear cactus and KICKS it! Bwahahaha!
Go over and check SithMonkey's new blog. Me and Darth Monkeybone grew up in the same boys home... he was there a couple of years after I graduated... but we share a common "heritage". We were over at the Misha's chatroom on week-end night several months ago and through the course of discussion, figured out what we had in common. It's a small world after all.
Hehe... don't buy any shit from these dumbfucks! Be sure to read the comments, too. I wonder why they did initial caps on all but the last word?
Has anyone heard of any others bloggers in San Antonio? I know a bunch in Houston and Dallas and a couple in Austin... what about the rest of Texas? Just wondering is all.
Looky here! I found this picture of Harvey!
Something I've noticed on some TV series, they never have any lights on... I mean no one works in the dark like that. Check SCI, CSI:Miami, there are some others but I can't remember them off the top of my head. Those CSI people are always working in the fucking dark... every indoor crime scene is investigated with the lights off... even in the office they don't have any lights... how much crap do they miss because they won't flip a fucking light switch?
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
Usenet Performance Art
From the files of W E B C E N T E R ...
The infamous "BARNEY RAPED MY FAMILY!!!n!" cascade. Fully restored. The largest, most widely crossposted cascade of the last two years, eclipsing the 'Nose's 2nd Anniversary Cascade in sheer volume.
Bullshit so far »Greatest Hitters Ever
Madfish Willie's Greatest Hitter Ever - #7 Barry Bonds
Awards:
• 1990: National League Most Valuable Player
• 1990: National League Gold Glove at OF
• 1991: National League Gold Glove at OF
• 1992: National League Gold Glove at OF
• 1992: National League Most Valuable Player
• 1993: National League Most Valuable Player
• 1993: National League Gold Glove at OF
• 1994: National League Gold Glove at OF
• 1994 ESPY: Outstanding Baseball Performer
• 1994 ESPY: Male Athlete of the Year
• 1996: National League Gold Glove at OF
• 1997: National League Gold Glove at OF
• 1998: National League Gold Glove at OF
• 2001: National League Most Valuable Player
• 2002 ESPY: Moment of the Year
• 2002: National League Most Valuable Player
• 2002 ESPY: Outstanding Baseball Performer
• 2003: National League Most Valuable Player
Scouting Report
2003 Season
Though he again posted amazing numbers while winning his sixth National League MVP Award, it was a difficult season for Barry Bonds, who played most of the season knowing his father, Bobby, was dying of cancer. Bonds was on the bereavement list twice, including a second time when his father passed away on August 23. When he returned, Bonds openly talked about the tough times he was experiencing, saying he was having trouble sleeping. Bonds stayed overnight in a Phoenix hospital with a rapid heartbeat in early September.
Hitting
Although Bonds is approaching 40 years old, he has the bat speed of a man much younger. With his short, quick swing, he's still able to turn on inside pitches and drive them out of the park. As the years have progressed he's become an even more disciplined hitter, drawing an astonishing 523 walks the past three seasons. There was a time when Bonds' weakness was hitting against lefthanders, but that's no longer the case.
Baserunning & Defense
Bonds' days as a Gold Glove left fielder are over. He's bulked up over the years and has lost his agility and foot speed. However, he still can keep runners from taking the extra base with a quick release and intelligent positioning. He also cut his errors from the previous season from eight to two. Bonds no longer is an elite basestealer, but he was 7-for-7 last season, including the 500th of his career.
2004 Outlook
There seems no reason to believe Bonds can't continue his astounding pace, even though he'll turn 40 on July 24. He needs two homers to tie his godfather, Willie Mays, for third place on the all-time list. Bonds has to continue to remain patient at the plate; at times, it appeared he grew frustrated with the walks he constantly received, going into mini-slumps when teams did pitch to him.
Here are his complete career statistics.
Here are his top 15 productive seasons according to the Madfish Willie Index:
Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Wave the magic wand over Kang's answers too see them!!! Magic!
Harv E Roo: What looks like half a cat ?
Kang A Roo: The other half !
Harv E Roo: What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool ?
Kang A Roo: She had mittens !
Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot ?
Kang A Roo: A carrot !
Harv E Roo: How do cats eat spaghetti ?
Kang A Roo: The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths!
Harv E Roo: What is a French cat's favourite pudding ?
Kang A Roo: Chocolate mousse !
Harv E Roo: What do cat actors say on stage ?
Kang A Roo: Tabby or not tabby !
Harv E Roo: What did the cat say when he lost all his money ?
Kang A Roo: I'm paw !
Harv E Roo: How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold ?
Kang A Roo: He has cat-arrh !
Harv E Roo: How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling ?
Kang A Roo: She's got that down in the mouth look !
Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla ?
Kang A Roo: An animal that puts you out a night !
Harv E Roo: Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin ?
Kang A Roo: There was some money in the kitty !
Harv E Roo: Why did the cat sleep under the car ?
Kang A Roo: Because she wanted to wake up oily !
Cheers!
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
Greatest Hitters Ever
Madfish Willie's Greatest Hitter Ever - #8 Jimmie Foxx
Awards:
• 1932: American League Triple Crown
• 1932: American League Most Valuable Player
• 1933: American League Most Valuable Player
• 1933: American League Triple Crown
• 1938: American League Most Valuable Player
A fearsome power hitter whose strength earned him the moniker "The Beast," Jimmie Foxx was the anchor of an intimidating Philadelphia Athletics lineup that produced pennant winners from 1929 to 1931. The second batter in history to top 500 home runs, Foxx belted 30 or more homers in a record 12 consecutive seasons and drove in more than 100 runs 13 consecutive years, including a career-best 175 with Boston in 1938. He won back-to-back MVP awards in 1932 and 1933, capturing the Triple Crown the latter year.
Did you know... that Jimmie Foxx holds the record for most walks in a big league game with six on June 16, 1938?
Here are his complete career statistics.
Here are his top 15 productive seasons according to the Madfish Willie Index:
Usenet Performance Art
From the files of W E B C E N T E R ...
A Fuckhead is Born: Narrative Flame.
Bullshit so far »Dumb Ass Jokes
To learn the answer to the funny joke, wave your magic wand over Kang A Roo's space! Not that wand, Pervey!
Harv E Roo: Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit ?
Kang A Roo: They are both ginger nuts !
Harv E Roo: What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck ?
Kang A Roo: A duck filled fatty puss !
Harv E Roo: What kind of cat should you take into the desert ?
Kang A Roo: A first aid kitty !
Harv E Roo: Why do cats chase birds ?
Kang A Roo: For a lark !
Harv E Roo: What do cats read in the morning ?
Kang A Roo: Mewspapers !
Harv E Roo: On what should you mount a statue of your cat ?
Kang A Roo: A caterpillar !
Harv E Roo: How is a cat laying down like a coin ?
Kang A Roo: Because he has his head on one side and his tail on the other !
Harv E Roo: What cat purrs more than any other ?
Kang A Roo: Purrsians !
Harv E Roo: How do you spell mousetrap in just three letters ?
Kang A Roo: C-A-T !
Harv E Roo: What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese?
Kang A Roo: A Peking Tom !
Cheers!
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
Usenet Performance Art
From the files of W E B C E N T E R ...
This is a little ditty from Fluffy, Ruler of All Usenet:
Bullshit so far »Dumb Ass Jokes
Dumb-Ass Jokes as told by Harv E Roo.
Madfish Willie's is the #1 & #2 & #3 Google search result for: Dumb Ass Jokes!
Harv E Roo: What do you do with a blue Burmese ?
Kang A Roo: Try and cheer it up a bit !
Harv E Roo: What is the cat's favourite TV show ?
Kang A Roo: The evening mews !
Harv E Roo: What's worse than raining cats and dogs ?
Kang A Roo: Hailing taxi cabs !
Harv E Roo: How is cat food sold ?
Kang A Roo: Usually purr can !
Harv E Roo: What noise does a cat make going down the highway ?
Kang A Roo: Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow !
Harv E Roo: What do you get if cross a cat with a canary ?
Kang A Roo: Shredded tweet !
Harv E Roo: What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have ?
Kang A Roo: A catastrophe !
Harv E Roo: What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree ?
Kang A Roo: A cat-a-logue !
Harv E Roo: What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim ?
Kang A Roo: An octopuss !
Harv E Roo: Why did the cat join the Red Cross ?
Kang A Roo: Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit !
Cheers!
Bullshit so far »
.gif){kind=logo}
What, no applause?
Kang A. Roo bullshitted on May 01, 2004 at 04:31 PM