Limerick time!

There once was a fella named Dave,
who kept a dead whore in his cave.
He said, "I know you must think
of the unbearable stink
But imagine the money I save!"
There once was a fella named Blair;
Who was fucking is wife on the stair.
When the bannister broke,
He doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air!

Bullshit so far »

» by Jeff on May 31 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Limericks

Today's Riddle

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Susie on May 31 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Ever Try Jumping Rope With Barbed Wire?

Of course you haven't. There's nothing even remotely funny about it. It's just sick, twisted & disgusting.

I apologize for bringing it up.

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on May 30 :: Permalink :: Comments (1)

Important Warnings

Being a conscientious (if merely part-time) bartender, I think it's only fair to share some important cautions to keep in mind if you're going to be drinking heavily.

[you're not going deaf, there really isn't any sound accompanying the video]

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on May 30 :: Permalink :: Comments (0)

Today's Riddle

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Susie on May 30 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Today's Riddle

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Susie on May 29 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

Today's Riddle

Why do men want to marry virgins?

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Susie on May 28 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Not Masters & Johnson

I shouldn't have done it. I should just keep my sex advice to myself.

A friend of mine showed up at work one day, saying that no matter how he tried, he could NOT get his woman to have an orgasm. He said he'd tried everything.

So (this is where I messed up) I told him my little trick. I keep a loaded .38 under my pillow, and I've discovered that if I reach under there and pull the trigger at just the right second, the sound of the explosion just sends her right over the edge. Incredible.

Anyhow, I pass this advice along to that friend. Then, he misses work for an entire week. I figure he's having some of the best sex ever. When he finally shows up, though, he looks like a mild case of death warmed over.

I said, "Holy CRAP, man! What the hell happened to YOU?"

He says, "Well, I took your advice about the .38. I pulled the trigger, and the bitch shit all over my face and bit my dick off!"

Bullshit so far »

» by Jeff on May 27 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Dumb Ass Jokes

Today's Riddle

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Susie on May 27 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

Physics Geek had to bring up strange guests...

He went and mentioned three ducks that were in here recently. That might sound sorta strange, but...

A piece of string came in here one time. And he'd been thrown out of four other bars before he came here. A piece of string.

I guess he'd gotten tired of being thrown out of all those other places, because when he came here to Madfish Willie's, he stopped himself at the door. He tied himself every which a way tryin' to look like a person. He even finished himself off by tying a BIG ol' tangle at the top, pushed the very end of himself up through, split that down to look like hair, and sat down on that barstool, right over there.

It was so realistic-lookin' I almost served him up immediately. But I looked closer. I said, "Hey! Aren't you a piece of string?"

He says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Bullshit so far »

» by Jeff on May 26 :: Permalink :: Comments (1)

Now Playing...

...at the Bad Example Performing Arts Center:

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum
Grease
Passion
The King and I
The Gondoliers

Please contact Lynn of Reflections in D Minor for tickets and showtimes.

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on May 25 :: Permalink :: Comments (0)

What Kind of Sick, Twisted Person...

...would think it's funny to take an innocent, single panel cartoon like "Love Is..." and turn it into something disgusting & perverted?

Sally of Whimsy Capricious, apparently.

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on May 25 :: Permalink :: Comments (0)

Darth Vader Walks Out of a Bar...

And into a grocery store with a couple Stormtroopers...

Looks like I shoulda cut the sons of bitches off a couple hours earlier.

[Hat tip: Jed of Boots & Sabers]

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on May 25 :: Permalink :: Comments (0)

Lovely day

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.

The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the
restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation.

"What's your name?" He says to the first duck.

"Huey" said the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day".

"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?".

"Dewey" came the answer.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?".

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again".

So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie".

"No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fucking day".

Bullshit so far »

» by Physics Geek on May 24 :: Permalink :: Comments (2)

THERE IS NO SEX IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM!

So I'm tending bar last night and this bunch of freaks from Disneyland storm in, get shitface drunk, smashin' glass & tearin' the place up. After about 6 hours of this shit they all wind up in the Champagne Room and...

Well, check the Champagne-cam in the extended entry...

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on May 24 :: Permalink :: Comments (0)

PG's male chauvinist pig series

Well, Jeff started it here and I just couldn't resist stealing his idea"

Q: Why does the bride always wear white?

A: Because the dishwasher is supposed to match the oven.

Bullshit so far »

» by Physics Geek on May 23 :: Permalink :: Comments (3)

The bar philosopher

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was
going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the
shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick
was a faggot and he didn't care!"

"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second
Englishman walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder. "I hear your
St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!"

"Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're
right. He is unshakable!"

The third Englishman said, "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just
watch."

The Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and
said... "I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

Bullshit so far »

» by Physics Geek on May 23 :: Permalink :: Comments (4)

Dictionary for Women’s Personal Ads

This may come in handy the next time you're considering answering that personal ad:

40-ish...........................49
Adventurous.................Slept with everyone
Athletic..........................No boobs
Average looking.............Ugly
Beautiful.......................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..........Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure.......On medication
Feminist........................Fat
Free spirit......................Junkie
Friendship first..............Former slut
Fun.................................Annoying
New-Age......................Body hair in the wrong places
Old fashioned................No BJs
Open-minded.................Desperate
Outgoing......................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate................Sloppy drunk
Professional....................Bitch
Voluptuous..................Very Fat
Large frame....................Hugely Fat Thighs
Soul mate............Stalker

Bullshit so far »

» by phin on May 23 :: Permalink :: Comments (2)

Spreading the word

A missionary decides to venture off to Africa to spread the word to secluded tribes over in that region who might not have heard the word of god before. He settles down with a tribe he befriended.

A year goes past and things had progressed very well. One day the tribal chief pulls the missionary aside and confronts him about a white child being born to a tribes woman. The missionary explains to him that the child was nothing more than a genetic flaw. The tribesman still did not understand.

So the missionary points to the flock of sheep and points out one black sheep in the heard of white sheep and explains that it is similar to the black sheep.

Finally understanding the situation the tribal chief says "ah, i see..... well i will say nothing about the white child if you say nothing about the black sheep".

Bullshit so far »

» by phin on May 23 :: Permalink :: Comments (0)

TONIGHT'S HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL

Harvey Wallbanger

INGREDIENTS:

  • 1 1/4 oz. Vodka
  • Float of Galliano
  • Orange juice

PREPARATION:
Build over ice in a tall glass. Float Galliano on top.

Or, just throw Harvey into the wall as hard as you can. (recipe courtesy About: Food & Drink. They have a neat brief history of the drink name, there, too.)

This drink was very popular with the grownups back in the 70's, when I was just old enough to be allowed an occasional sip, if I promised to be a good boy and not pester the grownups having their weekly Pinochle social (another great 70's throwback).

I remember the Galliano very well. Prettiest yellow liquid in a truly artistically sculpted bottle, almost two feet tall. Mom would save the empties and burn different colored candles in them until they had the most gorgeous multicolored wax squiggles, all down the sides, in random and fascinating patterns.

Bullshit so far »

» by Jeff on May 21 :: Permalink :: Comments (2)

Limber enough?

I was walking down the street the other night, with Madfish Willie. We had just closed up for the night.

Right there in the middle of the sidewalk was a mangy old stray dog, just a lickin' and a slurpin' on his balls. MW and I just stood and stared for a minute, and Willie finally says, "Man, I wish I could do that."

I told him, "I'm sure you can do that, but you'd probably better pet him first!

Bullshit so far »

» by Jeff on May 21 :: Permalink :: Comments (2)

Mixed Heritage. . .

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Graumagus on May 21 :: Permalink :: Comments (3)

The camping trip

Harvey and Madfish had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Harvey had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. Madfish agreed.

So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Harvey says "I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring... it was so wonderful."

Madfish said "Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day."

Harvey was so jealous "Your day was so much better than mine... did you get a blow job?"

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Graumagus on May 21 :: Permalink :: Comments (5)

Jeff's Male Chauvinist Pig Series: # 3

Q. What does not belong in this list?

  • Meat
  • Eggs
  • Wife
  • Blowjob

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Jeff on May 21 :: Permalink :: Comments (0)

Jeff's Male Chauvinist Pig Series: # 2

Why do women have such small feet?

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Jeff on May 20 :: Permalink :: Comments (3)

Fraternizing With the Enemy

(A Filthy Lie)

So, the Alliance wants to know what Evil Glenn's going to do about Arianna's upstart "blogging" venture...

Well, ya knew he wasn't just going to stand idly by while someone threatened his Ecosystematic blogospheric overlordship. Seems Glenn & Arianna had a chit-chat about who gets to rule what, during the course of which they discovered they had something in common:

They're both "Furries".

What's a Furry? Well, the short answer is that they're folks who like to dress up in animal costumes and have sex. Glenn & Arianna were particularly interested in cartoon characters.

I mean, you already know about Glenn's... thing... for Opus.

And you probably wouldn't be surprised to find out that Arianna's always dreamed of being ravished by a certain switch-blade-wielding, bad-ass, mini-lop bunny rabbit.

Well, if you've got the stomach for it, there's a couple pictures of those bastards indulging themselves in the extended entry...

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on May 20 :: Permalink :: Comments (3) :: Filthy Lies
» The Alliance links with: Filthy Lie Roundup: Evil Glenn vs. Arianna Huffington

Anger Fucking

No extended entry here out of senses of propriety, because the whole THING would be there.

You know you've done it. I've done it more times than I can count.

You and her have known each other, had sex with one another for years.

She says something stupid, or she says something stupid, and then you have a fight on your hands.

And the only solution to a truly valuable relationship of many years is to just grab her and fuck her brains out. All men know what I'm talking about, yet we never talk about it. Not even in the locker room. Why?

Because there are a few asshole males out there who don't know when "no" means "yes". They've gone and ruined things. Now, women resort to ridiculous campaigns like, "NO MEANS NO!"

And I don't blame the women for resorting to that language. All it takes is a couple asshole men to fuck it up for the rest of us, and they did.

But. MEN? You know what I'm talking about here. If you've spent any time in a seriously monogamous sexual relationship, you have fucked your anger out before. You couldn't help yourself, because words weren't working anymore. And she thought she'd died and gone to heaven because of it. And now the fight is over and everybody is happy. An honest anger fuck. Discussion?

UPDATE: One reader emails because he is confused and thinks I am advocating rape. I'm not, and would never do such a thing. I'm referring to a particularly violent form of consensual sex. I suppose there are some politically correct idiots who could see "rape" being described above. Out of deference to such politically correct idiots, I hereby aver that my above post has nothing to do with rape.

Jesus fuckin' CHRIST! Who let all the pansies in? I thought I felt a draft!

UPDATE II: Another reader emails to say, "Has political correctness run so far amok that the scene where Rhett Butler whisks Scarlet O'Hara off her feet and up the stairs, is off-limits?" Apparently so my friend, apparently so.

Bullshit so far »

» by Jeff on May 20 :: Permalink :: Comments (11)

This Is Why You Should Tip Your Bartenders

A grungy looking man walks into a bar, proceeds to the bartender and tells him that he's buying a round for everyone and for the bartender to have what he desires. Everyone is pleased, especially the bartender.

After everyone has finished their drinks, the bartender hands the man the check. The man replies that he has no money. The bartender proceeds to take him out back and beat the living shit out of him for a good portion of the hour. Finally, he lets him go telling him to not ever try and pull that again.

A few days pass and the same grungy and dirty man came into the bar and sat down. The bartender recognized him but didn't say anything. As before, he said he wanted to buy a round for everyone in the bar and for the bartender to have what he wanted. After everyone finished their drinks, once again the bartender asked him for the money and the man replied he had none. This time the bartender took him out back again and began to really kick the shit out of him, for a better part of the afternoon and again was let go and was told to never try it again or he would be killed.

A few days past and the man came back in again, more dirty than ever. Again, he sat down and said that he'd like to buy a round for everyone in the bar. The bartender smirked and said, "Hell no, not this time! You've swindled me twice before...never again." At this point, the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a huge roll of money. The bartender looked in disbelief and said, "Well, what about me? Do I get to get what I want? "

The man replied, "No sir! You get mean when you drink!"

[Hat tip to Sissy of ...And What Next for this one]

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on May 20 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Jokes

A Record

Three little people... aw, hell! This is Madfish's place!

Three dwarves are sittin' around drinking at the bar here the other night, just telling each other sob stories, and feeling sorry for themselves. I made my way over and asked what was depressing them.

One of them looks at me, and starts to cry. "We've come to a realization: we are never going to amount to anything! We're all going to die as unkowns!"

I kindly, and gently, reach over the bar and slap the side of his head, "Pull yourself together, man! This is a BAR, not a frickin' nursery!" Then in my best "helpful bartender" voice, I ask, "Have you guys thought about getting into showbiz?"

"Yeah, we've tried. Just isn't happening."

So I ask, "Have you gotten in touch with Blackfive? I hear he likes to party with you little bastards... or maybe that's bring you to parties as... either way, you could meet some influential people hanging with him!"

"Have you been sampling the stock? MIDGETS!!! Blackfive favors MIDGETS! WE. ARE. DWARVES!" screams the cry baby, as he bangs his fist on the bar.

Suddenly, I had an idea. "Let me see your hand, Tiny Tim!" He holds out his hands, and they are tiny. "Holy Shit! I've never seen such small hands! That's something... why not go over to Guinness and see if you can't get yourselves into the record books?"

Their eyes all light up, and smiles abound as they finish their beers and run out the door.

The next night, two of them come back, all grins.

"So how'd that work out for ya?"

The cry baby smiles and says, "You are now looking at the record holder for smallest adult hands!"

The other one looks at me, smiles, and says, "Well, I got to thinking about how small my feet were, and thought, 'What the hell? Can't hurt to see.' And I now own the record for smallest adult feet... male or female! Pour us a couple of shots to help celebrate! Matter of fact, get yourself one while your about it!"

So we did the shots, and then curiousity took over. "Where's the third guy at?"

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by That 1 Guy on May 20 :: Permalink :: Comments (3)

Is it ever acceptable?

I’m browsing the internet the other day and I see this shocking picture. I mean this guys cock was so huge I could barely stand to look at it. And to think of his wife’s reaction the first time she got a really good look at it damn. I mean she must have fainted. To be honest with you to ride this guy’s cock you’d almost have to have a saddle.

But it got me to thinking. Is it ever really acceptable to think about another man’s cock? I know one of the Ten Commandments is Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife’s popcorn, or something like that (I heard it on a Jimmy Buffett song once), but this is completely different.

I mean I’ve seen other cocks before, but this guy's cock is gargantuan.
Really is it bad that I can’t get the image of this guy's cock out of my minds eye?

Oh there’s a work safe picture in the extended entry.

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by phin on May 20 :: Permalink :: Comments (3)

Jeff's Male Chauvinist Pig Series: # 1

Why is a washing machine better than a woman?

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Jeff on May 19 :: Permalink :: Comments (6)

THE BARTENDER'S MAGAZINE RACK

You ever take a good look at the magazines sitting in the rack in the Champagne Room? Check this one out:

(click to enlarge)

And that's one of the TAME ones. There's a whole shitload more.

Willie's one sick little weasel, man...

[Hat tip to Lynn of Reflections in D Minor for the link]

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on May 18 :: Permalink :: Comments (3)

I've had worse careers...

A lot of folks would think that tending bar in this dive sucks. Well, it does, but not as bad as some jobs I've had!

Like the time I worked in a remote mining camp in the wilderness. I'd been there about four days, and started getting the "urge". So, I asked one of my fellow miners what they did about that. Was there a whorehouse nearby, etc.?

Frank, the fellow miner, says, "No, nuthin' like that for a hundr'd miles'r more, dude... When we get that urge we just take ol' Pete (he was this grizzled old man about 80 years old), and we go to one of the abandoned shafts, and... well, that's how we take care of things!"

I told Frank, in no uncertain terms, "No WAY! I don't go for that shit!"

A couple weeks later, the urge is getting almost unbearable now, I asked Frank again. "There's GOTTA be something better than ol' Pete!"

"Nope, I'm tellin' ya, man... it's that or nothing!"

So, just to make sure I'd been clear the first time, I said it again. "I do NOT go for that shit! Period! End of sentence!"

Well, now a whole month has gone by, and I'm so desperate to get laid I'm not even thinking straight. I go to Frank's tent, and I ask him, "OK, I've changed my mind. How do I go about approaching ol' Pete for some sex?"

Frank sits up in his sleeping bag, rubs his eyes, and says, "Well, hang on, let me go get Bob. We'll go with you."

"Go WITH me??? What the fuck are you talking about?"

Frank says, "Yeah, go WITH you. Ol' Pete don't go for that shit either!"

Bullshit so far »

» by Jeff on May 18 :: Permalink :: Comments (3)

Religion in a nutshell

Have you heard about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He lies awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.


And the Dyslexic devil worshiper?

He sold his soul to Santa, and worshiped the source of all Levi.

Bullshit so far »

» by Physics Geek on May 17 :: Permalink :: Comments (3)

TONIGHT'S HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL

The Crown of Roses

1 oz. Crown Royal
½ oz. amaretto
1 oz. pineapple juice
¼ oz. cranberry juice
3 dashes Angostura bitters
Garnish with a maraschino cherry

Fill a cocktail shaker two-thirds full of ice and add all of the ingredients. Shake for approximately 15 seconds. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass and add garnish.

[Stolen from Sissy of And What Next... who forgot to mention how many of these things a guy has to pour into her to take her home]

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on May 17 :: Permalink :: Comments (5) :: Drink Recipes

New Bar, Same Crap

So, there I am, tending bar one night at a different dump dive saloon (one that Harvey has paid me a big, defaced pile of filthy $1 bills NOT to mention by name), Harvey's down at the end of the bar, smashed as usual, snoring in one of the mixed-nuts bowls, when this guy from Scotland walks in! Even ol' wasted Harv picks his head up, when he heard that very noticeable Scottish accent.

The gent tells me, "An' I'll be havin' a dooble shat if yer verrah best single-malt, twelve-year-old Scotch!"

Heh! I'm thinking to myself, 'damned foreigners... always trying to be so damned SUPERIOR, I'll fix HIS little wagon!" So, I serve him up a double shot, but this stuff is my rot-gut Rye whiskey I keep behind the bar just for Harvey.

Scotsman takes a sip, grimaces, and says, "This is nae even SCOTCH, man! This is RYE, and cheap stuff at that!" Harvey's starting to really wake up at this point, 'cause he realizes I'm tapping his personal stash. He's still down there at the end of the bar, but his eyes almost uncrossed for a second...

Now, I'm thinking, 'OK, that's pretty good, but this guy ain't THAT damned good...' So, I serve him a double shot of a decent brand six-year-old double-malt Scotch. Let's see this funny-speaking bastard detect THAT one!

Scotsman takes a sip, grimaces, but not quite as fiercely as before, "Aye, man, yer gettin' CLOSER noo, but this... this is a six-year-ol', and it's been DOOBLE malted. Are ye daft? I asked for a twelve-year-old single-malt SCOTCH!"

By now, Harvey down there is transfixed, staring at the guy like he's seen the loaves get multiplied or something, and me? I'm deciding I've met my match. So, I serve the guy a double shot of my premiere brand 12 yr. single and stand back as the Scotsman sips tentatively at first and then deeper. Guy looks up at me gratefully and says, "Nae THIS, is more like it, laddie!"

I figure Harvey for losing interest by now and passing out in the beer nuts again, but NO! He's now staggering toward the Scotsman, with a shot glass in his hand! Harv says, "Here. Tashe thish!"

The Scotsman looks at Harvey oddly and takes a small sip from the proffered shot glass. Immediately, his face turns purple, he spews the liquid all over the place, and hollers, "Christ a'MIGHTY, mon! That tastes like PISS!"

Harvey weaves for a second, and finally slurs, "Yesh. I gnoww. I wash hopin' you could tell me how ol' I am."

Bullshit so far »

» by Jeff on May 17 :: Permalink :: Comments (5)

Yeah, I'm the new guy!

OK, I've been here ten seconds, haven't even figured out the cash register yet, and everybody's yelling "Who's the Ponyboy and what's he doin' goin' behind the bar? He got permission for that shit?

And I'm yellin', "Who the hell's in charge here? Harvey? Wilbur? Herby? Harvard?"

And nobody can understand nuthin' cause everybody's yelling!

Not like the time I was walkin' past a barn in West Virginia, and it was so quiet, from up in the hay loft, I could hear...

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Jeff on May 17 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Dumb Ass Jokes

A promotion

The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named
advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."

"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses
on relations with their secretaries?"

"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to
suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I
was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."

Bullshit so far »

» by Physics Geek on May 16 :: Permalink :: Comments (1)

Always the last to know

Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Bullshit so far »

» by Physics Geek on May 16 :: Permalink :: Comments (3)

Updated fairy tales

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her. As Cinderella sat crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appeared and promised to provide her with everything she needed to go to the ball, but only on two conditions:

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agreed. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00am. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agreed to be home by 2:00am.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00am, Cinderella shows up looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"

"I can't remember, exactly. Peter Peter, something or other...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever needed, and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him,"How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket, pulled out a .44 magnum, pointed it at him and said, "No you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court. The judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy. I said she's fucking Goofy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you know Captain Hook died from jock itch?

Bullshit so far »

» by Physics Geek on May 16 :: Permalink :: Comments (3)

When Harvey Met Jake

Many years ago, Harvey decided to take a cruise. While going through some unexpected bad weather, the ship was pushed far off course. Damaged, the ship sank.

In the ensuing panic, Harvey didn't manage to get on one of the lifeboats, but he did spy what looked like an island. So he began to swim for the shore. As he swam, he noticed a dog from the ship swimming nearby. Almost there, he started to weaken, when the dog siezed him by his shirt collar and dragged him to land.

Harvey decided to look around the island in the hopes of locating help. There were no signs of recent human activity, but he found evidence that someone had been there before... there was a large flock of sheep grazing on a hillside. He marked this as a food supply, and then remembered what some of his friends back in Wisconsin had said... a sheep's vagina is fairly close to a woman's. He chuckled to himself, and set out to find food.

After a week, Harvey is feeling a little lonely, and he once again thinks of his friends from 'sconsin. So he makes his way up to the flock and starts to eye a large ewe, when the dog, who he now calls Jake, comes running up, grabs his pantleg and growls. Harvey looks at Jake and says, "Thanks, boy! I almost did something really stupid!" This happens a few more times, each time Harvey being less pleased with the dog looking out for him.

One day, the very frustrated Harvey starts to make his way up the hill, when he spies smoke on the horizon. Thinking he's about to be rescued, he runs down the hill to the beach. There he sees that another ship is sinking, and as he watches, he sees splashing as someone is swimming towards the island. He watches until he notices that the swimmer isn't going to make it, then takes off to help.

Harvey reached the swimmer just as they went under for the last time. He managed to bring the swimmer (a woman) to the surface and he dragged her to the beach. Here he discovers that not only is this a woman, but an incredibly beautiful woman... the woman of his dreams! He happily performed mouth to mouth, and brought her around.

The woman looks at him, and thanks him profusely. She promises that she will do anything for him since he saved her life. Harvey's eyes lighten up as he asks, "Anything?" She says, "yes," and he starts grinning like an idiot.

Then he says, "Just hang on to this damn dog for five minutes..."

Bullshit so far »

» by That 1 Guy on May 15 :: Permalink :: Comments (3)

The moral of the story . . . .

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source
of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling
through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all
of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards
ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and
discovers that it was a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there
may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out
pops a genie.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three
wishes."

"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a
genie!"

"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And
he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and
surrounded by beautiful women."

***POOF***

The Arab is turned into a Tampax.

And the moral of the story is.....

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Graumagus on May 14 :: Permalink :: Comments (5)

Evil Glenn's Farm

(A Filthy Lie)

What's Glenn raising on his farm?

[make sure your boss isn't looking before you check the extended entry]

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on May 13 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Images
» The Alliance links with: Filthy Lie Roundup: Evil Glenn's Farm

New medical equipment

It was announced that Wurlitzer is merging with Xerox. They are going to market ... reproductive organs.

Bullshit so far »

» by Physics Geek on May 13 :: Permalink :: Comments (4)

Order in the court

The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted. He turns to the defendant and says, "you are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel"

"Damn tightwad" the same man in the gallery blurted out.

"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "you are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You jackass!" the man from the gallery yelled.

The judge thundered at the man in the galley: "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"

The man answered back, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?!"

Bullshit so far »

» by Physics Geek on May 13 :: Permalink :: Comments (2)

Why beer is better. . .

Jeebus H. Christ! I'm behind the bar for two minutes while Madfish is away and we get inspected for ADA violations! Like it's my fault that Madfish has a closed circuit TV camera out front aimed at the greased wheelchair ramp or something. I just record people's bets and hold the green folks, I'm not the one who advertised "Cripple Night" drink specials on tuesdays and takes bets on how long it takes them to get into the bar.

Anyway, after getting fleeced for a few cold ones on the house to get some of those violations written off, the government puke went on and on about how he hated his job, despised the disabled and the mentally challenged, and just wanted to collect his pension and get the hell out of government service before he started sorting his guns by barrel flavor. He shared this nugget of "wisdom" with me after his seventh pint of Old Style...


Why Beer is better than Retarded People

Beer doesn't drool.
Beer stains wash out easier than drool.
Beer will wait patiently in the car while you play (football, etc.)
Beer is never late.
You don't have to limit yourself to bisyllabic words in discourse with beer.
Beer doesn't cry if you forget it.
Beer doesn't vote.
Beer never answers your phone.
Beer doesn't work your crossword puzzles in crayon.
Beer doesn't demand to watch cartoons.
Beer won't ask loud, embarrassing questions in public.
If the head's too big on your beer you can blow it off.
If the head's too small on your beer you can get another.
Beer doesn't have to be sterilized.
Beer doesn't suffocate if it gets stuck in the refrigerator.

Bullshit so far »

» by Graumagus on May 12 :: Permalink :: Comments (3)

This place is special. . . like "short bus" special

I'm here working my ass off for free because Madfish is a cheap sumbitch guest bartending for Madfish, and he really needs the help. There are things in this place in need of definite improvement.

First off, one of the beers he has on tap tastes like piss... wait.. it is piss...

The man has some strange goddamn customers...

Anyway, the only thing I could get to come in on the cheap ass flea market satellite dish he has duct taped to the roof of the bar was C-Span, which was showing the 2005 UN's World Women's Issue Conference. The off button wouldn't work on the TV, no matter how badly I beat the filthy Guatemalan kid Madfish keeps under the bar as a remote control.

Since the only other option was to stick an icepick into my brain (and I couldn't find an icepick) so I was forced to listen...

At the 2005 World Women's conference, the first speaker from Canada, stood up "At last years conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband I would no longer cook for him, and that he would have to do it himself. Afer the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb".

The crowd stood up, applauded and cheered.

The second speaker, from France, stood up
"After last years conference I went straight home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that not only had he done his own, but my washing as well".

Once again the audience rose to their feet, applauded and cheered.

The third speaker, from Scotland stood up "After last year's conference ah went home and tolt ma man that I widnae doo his cookin, cleanin or shoppin, and he wid hiftae doo it himsell. After the first day I saw nothin, after the second day I saw nothin, but after the third day, I could see a wee bit oota ma left eye"

I shoulda beat on the kid harder....

Bullshit so far »

» by Graumagus on May 12 :: Permalink :: Comments (4)

TEST YOUR MEMORY

It's like that game "Concentration", except with boobs.

And here's something to drink while you're playing:

"Kinky"

1 shot watermelon pucker
1/2 fill sweet and sour mix
1/2 fill 7-up

Serve over ice.

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on May 12 :: Permalink :: Comments (5)

Driving Herbey Nuts...

Herbey walked into Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon.

Madfish Willie said: "Hey dickhead, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."

"Yeah, I know," said Herbey. "It's driving me nuts!"

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on May 11 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Jokes

FUCK BILL CLINTON

I got the best damn cigars in the world right fuckin' HERE!

(2.3 MB, NSFW)

(Like you're dumb enough to be surfing here from work anyway)

[hat tip to VW Bug of One Happy Dog Speaks for letting me know this thing exists]

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on May 10 :: Permalink :: Comments (6)

Fax for Harvey...

Herbey walked into a bar and started dialling numbers on his hand as if it were a phone.

Madfish Willie looked at him warily, "Look," warned Madfish, "I don't know what you're up to, but this is a tough neighbourhood and I don't want any trouble."

Herbey said: "I'm not out to cause trouble, I promise. Let me explain. I'm very hi-tech and I had a phone installed in my hand because I got tired of carrying around my mobile."

Madfish Willie looked at him as if he were a crank, "I don't believe a word of it."

"OK," said Herbey, "I'll prove it to you," And he pressed the digits on his hand, held his wrist up to his ear and began conducting a conversation. Then he gave his hand to Madfish and, to Madfish's amazement, he could hear a voice coming through the hand.

"That's incredible," said Madfish at the end of the call. "I was able to talk to someone through your hand."

"It's ingenious," said Herbey. "It means I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, anyone, without needing a conventional phone. By the way, where is the men's room?"

Madfish Willie directed him down the corridor to the toilets but began to get a bit worried when Herbey hadn't returned 20 minutes later. Knowing of the reputation of the neighbourhood, he thought he'd better go and check that he was all right. On opening the door, he found Herbey spreadeagled against the wall, with his pants down and a roll of toilet paper rammed up his butt. "Oh God," exclaimed Madfish. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

"No, I'm fine," answered Herbey. "I'm just waiting for a fax."

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on May 10 :: Permalink :: Comments (4) :: Jokes
» Bad Example links with: JUST SO YOU KNOW

All Right Bitches, Who Wants What?

Shut the fuck up, I'm talkin' here:


A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, I can't come in today, I'm sick. He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, I can't come in today, I'm sick.The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him.So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?”

The guy replies, “No I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she's alright.
She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another,
and the next thing you know I'm fucking her.”

The boss says, “You fuck your sister?”

The guy replies, “Hey, I told you I was sick.”


And that's where the Bad Example Family came from.

Bullshit so far »

» by Harvey on May 8 :: Permalink :: Comments (5) :: Jokes

Help Wanted

Wanted: Part-Time Bartenders.

Must be able to tell Jokes... Dirty Jokes... Really Dirty Jokes... Lame-Ass Jokes... Limericks... etc.

Politcally incorrect preferred.

Ability to insult customers a plus.

Must be talentless hack who think they are funny [See Bad Example].

Leave e-mail address in comments and my Bar Manager, Herbey, will set up interview and give you a set of keys.

UnEqual Opportunity Employer - If I don't like you - you're fired!

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on May 7 :: Permalink :: Comments (9)
» Bad Example links with: MADFISH WILLIE'S CYBER SALOON LOOKING FOR PART TIME BARTENDERS