One more beer commercial
Actually, the beer in question is only okay, but a friend of mine bought a "Bring Me A Bierbitzch" t-shirt for his wife. She wears it proudly.
Bullshit so far »Fistful of Penis
OK... time for a movie penis thread... in the comments, take a movie title and substitute the word penis for a word in the title... do not repeat a previous penis movie tile... you are only allowed ONE penis movie title per post as we are aiming for the Blogger World Record for comments on a post...
I'll kick it off with a couple so you know what to do!
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
» basil's blog links with: Brunch: 8/14/05
» Don Surber links with: Penis Mightier Than The Sword
» NIF links with: Sorcerer of Wonkavator
» The LLama Butchers links with: An interesting topic
» Bad Example links with: MADFISH WILLIE PLAYS WITH HIS PENIS FOR ATTENTION
» The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler links with: And Now For Something Very Much Different...
» MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy links with: Party at Madfish Willie's
» Who Tends the Fires links with: Putting the "Willie" in Madfish Willie's
» Armies of Liberation links with: An Expanding Phenomenon
» It'sAPundit.com links with: http://www.itsapundit.com/2005/08/this_blogger_ha_1.html
» Bad Example links with: WHAT'S THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY?
I *Know* It Wasn't The Vinyl Seat On The Stool That Made That Sound
Courtesy of That 1 Drunk Fuck sitting in the corner over there.
Bullshit so far »Blonde Jokes - Most of Which I Hadn't Heard Before
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
***************
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese
***************
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
*****************
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
****************
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames.
****************
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold" "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.
"What do you have there?" he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied, "Two popcicles, and some coffee".
***************
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Bullshit so far »Sure, the Bottom Shelf Whiskey's Cheaper, But You Still Shouldn't Drink It
If you do, you may end up going home and using the cat to put out the fire on your head, like this.
Bullshit so far »Flying FemAir
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit. Now it's the box office."
Bullshit so far »Beer vs. Vagina
(via my Blogless Brother Roy)
1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER
2.Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA
3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER
4.If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA
5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely apoint to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances.
I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.
6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA
7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA
8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA
9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER
10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA
11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to VAGINA
12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA
13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER
14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
One point to BEER
15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER
16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc.
One point to BEER
17. You always know how much beer is going to cost.
One point to BEER
18. Beer doesn't have a mother.
One point to BEER
19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it.
One point to BEER
FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8
That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER
PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them.
An extra point for BEER
Ask your doctor or pharmacist
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila. Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.
Tequila may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
The Three Herbeys
Tammi, Boudicca, & TNT are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Herbey. TNT asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?"
Tammi thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime."
Boudicca thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up."
TNT thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels."
The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor."
TNT says, "Yep, thats my Herbey!"
Bullshit so far »Herbey New Year
Herbey at 2005 New Years Eve party...
Remember... don't drink and puke!!
Bullshit so far »Cherry Mistmas
[Shamelessly stolen from babalu]
Cookie Recipe
1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, Try another cup...just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS
[Since I stole his post, please go over and read Wiwichu a Merri Cri'ma]
Bullshit so far »Christmas Traditions
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree
Bullshit so far »Christmas... Badger Style!
Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa, Santa...
Presents, Presents...
Merpy Chistkwanzaahanamas!
Subject: The Christmas Party
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 1 October 2005
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon, in the private function room at the Grill
House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols ....... feel free to sing along!
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no
gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special
announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 2 October 2005
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation
Day.
There will be no Christmas tree present, No Christmas carols sung. We will
have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 3 October 2005
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table................ you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to
handle this?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the
union members feel that $10 is too much money and executives believe $10 is
a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4 October 2005
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of the year does
not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can
hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package
everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that
work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower
arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross-dress, no cross-dressing allowed
though.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available
for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food, we
suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No
sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All fucking Employees
DATE: 5 October 2005
RE: The fucking Holiday Party
Vegetarian assholes I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at
the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it,
and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you
know, tomatoes have feelings too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream
right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6 October 2005
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and
I'll continue to forward your cards to her
In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and
give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Before it starts
Madfish came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his life partner wife "roommate", Herby, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts!"
Herby looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When Madfish finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer." "It's gonna start." This time Herby looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, Madfish said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" Herby blows his top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
Madfish sighed. "Oh shit, it started !!!!!!
Bullshit so far »I miss Grandpa
I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in >your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes from a mentor, and on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. We used to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him.
I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember best, the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice came from him when I was only 12.
We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. Then he said, "And be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked.
"It makes your pecker look bigger."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Bullshit so far »Today's Riddle
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
Today's Riddle
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
Today's Riddle
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
Today's Riddle
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
Today's Riddle
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
Today's Riddle
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
Today's Riddle
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
What's a Harvey?
Harvey is trying to find out what is a Harvey?.
My definition for a Harvey:
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
» Bad Example links with: HELL YEAH!
High Tech
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing on the back of his hand as if it's a telephone. He then flips his hand over and starts talking into his palm. The bartender walks over and tells the guy it's a tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos.
"You don't understand," the man says. "I'm very high tech. I've had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying a cell."
"Prove it!"
So the guy dials up a number and presents his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation.
"That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah," says the guy. "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"
The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and five, ten, twenty minutes go by. Fearing the worst given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. The guy is spread-eagled against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt.
"Oh my god!" says the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy casually turns around and says, "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."
Bullshit so far »Irish Toast
Courtesy of Pam, cragerized for your enjoyment.
Matty O'Blackfive, in the local pub, hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" Matty said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, Matty!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of Matty's toasting buddies, Harvey, on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Matty won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
Circle Jerk
Hehe... Madfish Willie and Eric are having a classic circle jerk. Be sure to scroll down and read through the comments.
Bullshit so far »
To dgci With Love
Bullshit so far »
» MadLab links with: Testing Songs
I'm Talking To You... Shorty
The Writings on the Stall
Writing 267, via Dan
Emerson Jr Sr High School
Emerson, New Jersey USA 07630
Men's restroom, 1st floor
uoY kcuF
On the wall, opposite the mirror. It's been washed off since.
Bullshit so far »The Good Old Days
This morning's Shoe
Now that's fucking funny!
Brings to mind this old saying...
I'm not as good as I once was,Bullshit so far »
But I'm as good once as I ever was!
Happy Birthday
A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.
"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18."
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"
The bartender asks "So which one died?"
"No one."
"But you only ordered two drinks!"
"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."
[Today just happens to be MY birthday... I'm so old, I'm fartin dust!]
Bullshit so far »
Signs You May Be Drinking Too Much
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. You can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
15. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
16. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
17. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.
18. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
19. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
20. Roseanne looks good.
21. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
22. That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23. Senator's Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
24."I'm as jober as a sudge."
25. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
Bullshit so far »My Cat Hates You
From the files of My Cat Hates You:
A seance gone horribly awry brought this beast from the netherworld. She now haunts humanity in this twisted form.
Wife's Special Treat
A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he dares have only one beer. The bartender asks him what the problem is, and he replies "The last time I came in drunk at 3:00 A.M. my wife was so bent out of shape we damn neared ended up in divorce court."
The bartender replies "I'll you what, all you have to do is give her an extra special treat and she'll forget her little difficulty with you."
"Such as?" asks the man.
"Do you ever go down on her?"
The man replies, "I really can't bring myself to do that, and, in fact, the mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach!"
"I'd get over it if I were you," replies the bartender. "Just think, she'll be so grateful and no matter how loaded you are you won't be all stressed-out trying to keep it up and end up resorting to soft-packing."
"I'll give it a try. And now, get me a double Manhattan!"
Our hero stumbles in the house blind-drunk and having a hard time containing his guts. "I'll get this over quick and hope not to upchuck all over her." he thinks. "I don't EVEN want to see it," he tells himself and so goes into the bedroom without even turning on the light and dives straight under the covers at the foot of the bed. The response is incredible!
Our hero's response is an incredible wave of nausea so he rushes into the bathroom where he sees his wife sitting on the toilet taking a tinkle.
"I don't know how you beat me in here," he says, "but be quick! I've got an emergency!"
"Shut up you damn drunk," she hisses. "Your mother's in there trying to sleep!!"
Bullshit so far »Make The Donkey Laugh
A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink. He then notices a jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for.
The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and "if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars."
The man says, "I can do it!" So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves.
About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars." The man says, "ok I'll do it!"
He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, "How did you make the donkey laugh?"
The man looks at the bartender and says, "Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did".
"How did you make him cry?" asks the bartender?
"Well I showed him."
Bullshit so far »Now, Something Completely Different
Don't click this link if you like kitties!
LMAO...
Bullshit so far »Win $10,000!
A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details".
He asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?" The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. The bartender says "if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step...
The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an alligator with a sore tooth. if you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three...
Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. She has never been satisfied by any man. if you can satisfy her, you win the money!"
The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. He orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. Five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded.
He orders another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?".
Bullshit so far »My Cat Hates You!
From the files of My Cat Hates You:
Agnes hates YOU and EVERYBODY.
Bullshit so far »Daddies Long Legs
Being a Texan, this cracked me up:
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.Bullshit so far »He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," Her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"That might be OK in Massachusetts & California, but we're not having any of that shit here in Texas."
~LCVeeshir
in the comments at this post over at The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
Notable Quotables
Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back...
I really lack the words to compliment myself today.
- Alberto Tomba
I'll always be Number 1 to myself.
- Moses Malone
Scattershooting...
You want to see something that will make you laugh your ass off?
Check this out: The 1000 Fighting Styles of Rumsfeld
Via Sir Banagor via Emperor Darth Misha I
Bullshit so far »Astronomy?
In honor of the discovery of a new planet in our solar system, here are some jokes:
- What does an astronomer use to hold up his pants?
- Where does an astronomer go for a higher education?
- Did you hear the joke about astronomy?
- How do you keep astronomers clean?
Answer the questions in the comments if you think you are clever enough... I'll acknowledge the correct answers as posted or post the correct answers tomorrow pm in the comments.
Some miscellaneous facts:
Bullshit so far »
The Lush Lexicon - III
The Lush Lexicon: Buzzwords for Boozeheads
Hey, slop jaw, quit boozgarting the felony juice so we can finish frontloading and get our fade on.
- Last call lothario
- Someone who's shy until last call, at which point he'll try to hook up with anything that has a pulse and/or booze at their home.
- Loudmouth soup
- A shot of strong liquor.
- MDA
- Mysterious Drinking Accident. When you wake up with bruises and cuts you have no recollection of receiving. Also called UPI (Unidentified Party Injury), UBB (Unidentified Beer Bruise) and drunk marks.
- NBR
- No Beers Required: Someone sufficiently attractive enough to hit on while sober.
- One for the ditch
- A less optimistic version of One for the road.
- Pavement pizza
- Vomit on the sidewalk, often found outside bars.
- Prole piss
- Any cheap American lager.
- Prole piss poser
- A yuppie who attempts to appear down with the working class by making a point of ordering only bottom shelf liquor and cheap beer.
- Mystery guest
- The guy at the party no one seems to know. They usually lurk in the kitchen near the booze.
- Riding a rocking horse into battle
- Getting drunk on 3.2% beer.
- Roadside olympics
- Roadside sobriety test.
- Shelf jumper
- Someone whose tastes improve from bottom to top shelf when someone offers to buy them a drink.
- Skinflint sprint
- The fast walk a departing patron employs after he's left the cocktail waitress a less-than-generous tip on the table. Someone who spills (unintentionally or otherwise) most of his shot down the side of his face. As in, "Don't waste anymore money on Mike, he slopjawed the last three shots."
- Stout gout
- The morning-after flatulence that often follows a night of drinking Guinness.
- Tart fuel
- Bottled alcopops, e.g. Hooch, Sky Blue, etc., regularly consumed by young women.
- Thousand mile glare
- The blank, vaguely hostile look a veteran bartender will give you when you ask a stupid question such as, "Is the beer cold?"
- Tip jar anxiety
- The fear that an unobservant bartender won't notice you left a good tip.
- Trip dog
- The invisible canine that starts getting underfoot around your tenth drink. Once he arrives he will trip you up the rest of the night.
- Trojan hooch
- Bringing an empty bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag to a party so you won't appear a mooch.
- Twelve stepper
- A reformed drinker or someone who wants to quit drinking early. As in, "Hold on there, twelve stepper, the bouncer hasn't even threatened us yet."
- Two pint screamer
- Someone who gets noticeably drunk after two drinks.
- Vodka vision
- A liquor specific brand of beer goggles.
- Wobbly pop
- Any beverage containing alcohol.
- New Words for Drunk:
- jagged up, boiled as an owl, mothered, curried and mashed, de-ossified, full tight, skinned, pie-eyed, gibbled, in the paint, pile-axed, rat-assed, stinko, torn off the frame, torqued, troll-eyed, wired to the tits, banjoed, chateaued, one over the eight, pixelated, swipey, wankered, zigzag, slaughtered, juice-looped, 12 gauged, Boris Yelstinned, cop-sluggin' drunk, five winos gone, jackassed, liver-lubed, monkey assed, mullocked, paralytic, stolichnyed, ten feet tall and bulletproof, tore up from the floor up, Kennedied, wearing a big hat, shined up, wingdinged, off the leash, drunk uncled, picassoed, and finally, locked out of your mind.
Bullshit so far »
The Lush Lexicon - II
Hey, slop jaw, quit boozgarting the felony juice so we can finish frontloading and get our fade on.
- De-boned
- To become so drunk you appear not to have any skeletal structure to hold you up.
- Deep-dish olive pie
- A martini.
- Deja booty
- When a drunk inexplicably has sex with the person he swore he would never speak of or to again, never ever.
- Deja booze
- When an infrequently enjoyed drink reminds you of the last time you enjoyed it. As in, "This margarita reminds me of when I was partying in Tijuana, just before I vomited on myself, picked a fight with the bartender and got thrown in the clink. Good times, good times."
- Deserter
- A full beer, possibly hidden, found when cleaning up the next day after a party.
- Hell's own drag
- Influence. As in, "See the size of that shot? Ever since I started dating the barmaid, I've got hell's own drag at this bar."
- Drink link
- An ATM.
- Drink shrink
- Those who, after a few drinks, discover they have the ability to psychoanalyze and offer solid personal advice to their friends and/or strangers.
- Drinking in stereo
- Boozing with a drink in each hand.
- Felony juice
- Tequila.
- Flip wire
- That fine, fuzzy line between buzzed and hammered. As in, "That fucker ain't driving, he tripped the flip wire three shots ago."
- Floored
- When you're so drunk standing up just seems a silly waste of time.
- Frontloading
- Getting drunk before going to a nightclub because the club's drinks are expensive.
- FUBAR
- Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.
- Fugly bus
- The mysterious bus that whisks away all the ugly people from the bar and replaces them with their beautiful cousins while you're in the bathroom draining your tenth pint.
- Get the fade on
- Going out with intention of getting very, very drunk.
- Grog monster
- The part of the brain that insists you keep drinking long after you should have went home and passed out.
- Gutter hugger
- Drinkers who empty the contents of their stomach into a gutter or nearest trash can.
- Hooch hotel
- The drunk tank.
- Housed
- Moderately drunk. This term is particularly popular with those who listen to the Grateful Dead and smoke large amounts of marijuana.
- Jack and Jill
- A shot of Jack Daniels and a beer.
- Joint of no return
- A bar from which you are 86'd.
- Juice card
- Received on your 21st birthday.
- Jumping on the grenade
- When two groups of the opposite sex meet, one member "jumps on the grenade" by talking to (or possibly sleeping with) the least attractive member of the other group so as to ensure the success of the rest of the group.
- Jumping strays
- Stealing unattended or abandoned drinks at a bar or party. As in, "I'm so broke I've been jumping strays all night."
- Kamikaze eyes
- The look a drunk gets when he spies someone he always hated but never had the guts to fight. Until now.
- Keg commander
- the boisterous chap who hovers around the keg so as to ensure everyone knows how to properly pour a beer.
Bullshit so far »
» Argghhh! The Home Of Two Of Jonah's Military Guys.. links with: Logistics and Reenlistment.
» Electric Venom links with: The Letter of The Day is D
» Technicalities links with: More Wandering About
» Random Fate links with: It's time to lighten up...
» Practical Penumbra links with: Lucky Day Links
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: Now here is a home appliance I could go for!
» XSet links with: One down, god knows how many to go
» Straight White Guy links with: What's Going On?...
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: A little change of pace...
The Lush Lexicon
Hey, slop jaw, quit boozgarting the felony juice so we can finish frontloading and get our fade on.
Confused?
You should be. Bar slang is constantly evolving and if you fall behind you'll start coming off like Al Gore trying to get down at Ol' Dirty Bastard show. So let The Bartender hip you up and get you in with the cool kids.
- Bait-and-switch
- When an attractive person invites you to his or her table then steers you to a less attractive friend.
- Barley sandwich
- Beer for lunch. Also called a slurp sandwich.
- Bayonetting the wounded
- Gamely drinking the half-finished beers the morning after a party.
- Booze coupons
- Money.
- Bedspins
- The variety of spins that occur while lying prone. Putting one foot on the floor usually helps. If you are already on the floor, may God have mercy on your soul.
- Beer bitch
- The person sitting closest to the cooler or refrigerator at a party whose sole purpose in life is to grab another beer when yours runs out.
- Beer blinders
- One's perception when under the influence of alcohol. Often causes unattractive people to look hot, long distances to look jumpable and break dancing moves to look easy.
- Beer Pressure
- The tendency to drink what your friends drink.
- Beer queer
- A straight man who will pretend to be gay so as to solicit free drinks from an unsuspecting homosexual.
- Blackout Brigade
- A group of heavy drinkers.
- Booze compass
- The instinct that leads you home when you're blackout drunk.
- Booze muscle
- The increase in courage and combat abilities linked to heavy alcohol consumption.
- Booze snooze
- A nap taken early in the afternoon after a morning of drinking, designed to prepare you for the evening's drinking.
- Boozgart
- The person who, when he is supposed to be passing the bottle of liquor around, stops to reflect on the first time he got drunk, last time he got drunk, etc. A derivative of the stoner term bogart.
- Breaking the Seal
- Urinating for the first time during a drinking session. Once the seal is broken, restroom trips become much more frequent.
- Britney Spears
- A light beer. As in, "How can I take you seriously when you've been sucking
on Britney Spears all night?" - Buzzkill
- That which destroys the buzz. Examples are fights with one's significant other while at the bar, boors who insist on telling that story one more time, your best friend admitting that he/she is sleeping with your significant other, horrible music after you've just heard three of your favorite songs in a row, or discovering that you actually have less than half of the money that you thought you had at the beginning of the evening.
Bullshit so far »
What the Fuck?
What the fuck… don’t fuck with me… fuckin A… flying fuck… fuck off… fuck you… fuck….
A google search for historical origins of fuck yields Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon: Fuck You! as #5 result. Only #5?!? UPDATE: Well, now Madfish Willie's is the #2 & #3 result. In a couple of days, I should be #1! Woohoo!
Here's a recap of some of the top results and we'll all know where the fuck fuck came from.
Here's the last fucking day of fuck:
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
What the Fuck?
What the fuck… don’t fuck with me… fuckin A… flying fuck… fuck off… fuck you… fuck….
A google search for historical origins of fuck yields Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon: Fuck You! as #5 result. Only #5?!? UPDATE: Well, now Madfish Willie's is the #2 & #3 result. In a couple of days, I should be #1! Woohoo!
Here's a recap of some of the top results and we'll all know where the fuck fuck came from.
Here's the fifth fucking day of fuck:
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
What the Fuck?
What the fuck… don’t fuck with me… fuckin A… flying fuck… fuck off… fuck you… fuck….
A google search for historical origins of fuck yields Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon: Fuck You! as #5 result. Only #5?!? Here's a recap of some of the top results and we'll all know where the fuck fuck came from.
Here's the fourth fucking day of fuck:
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
» DramaQueen links with: beauty and love and art and ooh, all sorts of nice things!
» TreyGivens.com links with: These Are a Few of My Favorite Things ~Or~ A Bloggiverse Snap Jar
» Tao of Dowingba links with: F.u.c.k.
» Tao of Dowingba links with: A hypothetical conversation
What the Fuck?
What the fuck… don’t fuck with me… fuckin A… flying fuck… fuck off… fuck you… fuck….
A google search for historical origins of fuck yields Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon: Fuck You! as #5 result. Only #5?!? Here's a recap of some of the top results and we'll all know where the fuck fuck came from.
Here's the third fucking day of fuck:
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
What the Fuck?
What the fuck… don’t fuck with me… fuckin A… flying fuck… fuck off… fuck you… fuck….
I was going through my referrers log and checking searches that yielded Madfish Willie's. A google search for historical origins of fuck yields Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon: Fuck You! as #5 result. Here is a recap of some of the top results and sonn we'll all know where the fuck fuck came from.
Here's the second fucking day of fuck:
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: Irish Extreme Sports.
What the Fuck?
What the fuck… don’t fuck with me… fuckin' A… flying fuck… fuck off… fuck you… fuck….
I was doing a check through my referrers yesterday and checking searches that pointed people to Madfish Willie's. A google search for historical origins of fuck yields Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon: Fuck You! as #5 result. Only #5?!? Well, we must do something about this. Therefore, I will do a recap of some of the top results and we'll all know where the fuck fuck came from.
Here's the first fucking day of fuck:
Bullshit so far »
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: More trolling through the 'roll.
Above and Beyond...
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty
Skill Badge: Smart-Ass Prick Bartender
Motto: “Fuck You!”
Nominated by Harvey from Bad Money
The bartenders at the little Dallas Club in San Antonio, in addition to being the fastest fucking bartenders that ever lived, were all a bunch of smart-ass, rude, fucking pricks! We were Dick's Last Resort bartenders before Dick's Last Resort was a wet dream. Hell, fuck Dick's, we would probably have been fired from Dick's for being to rude!
So, The Bartender accepts this medal on behalf of all my fellow bartenders from the Legendary Dallas Club at Fredericksburg / Wurzbach in San Antonio
What should our next award be and to whom shall it go?
Last Call »Bullshit so far »
After Your Fifth Drink....
Here is a list that tells you when you are have officially become a drunkard. It comes from Modern Drunkurd Magazine.
Which one are YOU today?
Numbers 181-207 of 207:
- You have a born-on date tattooed on your beer gut.
- You hold a bottle of hair spray and say, "Man, if you were ice cold."
- You're addressed by three separate liquor store owners as "the guy who paid for my houseboat."
- You often confuse the word breakfast with Bloody Marys, i.e., "What are we going to have for Bloody Marys this morning?"
- You know that liquor is especially tasty when it comes from the secret hiding place in your roommates's closet.
- You can, in a pinch, construct a fully-operational keg tap from a cigarette lighter, two clothespins and lots of love.
- You get in a heated conversation with your barstool neighbor about the proper way to vomit from a moving vehicle.
- At 2am you proclaim, "The party ain't over until the fat lady says no!"
- You need a cosigner to open a bar tab.
- The monkey on your back is in rehab.
- You know that, with a bouncer's assistance, man in capable of short-term flight.
- You have recurring dream you're hired by the Guinness\Playboy Research foundation to prove twenty pints a day improves your sex life.
- You often take your lover for romantic strolls among the picturesque aisles of liquor superstores.
- You will eat a bug for a shot.
- You know wine is mentioned in the Bible over 250 times. Perrier? Not once!
- You have strained cigarette-butt infested beer through your teeth.
- You consider 3.2 beer on Sunday as Uncle Sam's cruel taunt.
- You can hear someone whisper "free beer" from three blocks away.
- You know the heartbreak of watching the bartender dump the spill tray.
- You call the bartending academy, inquiring as to what they do with their mistakes.
- You refer to your refrigerator as "the stand-up beer cooler."
- You give directions with liquor stores and bars the the major landmarks, i.e., "You'll pass Argonaut's Liquors on the left and Scooter's on the right, then turn right on the street between the Satire Lounge and the Lion's Lair, then continue until you see the tree that looks like a huge martini glass."
- You think vomiting is the body's way of making room for the next round.
- The first thing you look for on a wine label is the alcohol content.
- You consider Aqua Velvet a daring after-hours liqueur.
- You recognize last call as a secret signal that all unattended drinks are fair game.
- When someone says "expensive wine," you think "gallon jug."
- Four years of research and three hours of writing went into your masterful college thesis, "MD 20\20: Self-Esteem Enhancer For the Leisure Classes, or Cancer Cure for the Working Masses?"
Tomorrow: A round-up and gratuitous LinkFest of past claimers of the numbers!
Bullshit so far »After Your Fifth Drink....
Here is a list that tells you when you are have officially become a drunkard. It comes from Modern Drunkurd Magazine.
Which one are YOU today?
Numbers 161-180 of 207:
- You know that time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
- You use Calvin Klien’s new aftershave, but don’t really care for the aftertaste.
- You refer to your mouth as your "booze hole."
- You wish bartenders would spend more time ‘tending’ and less time ‘barring.’
- The first thing you say when you walk in a bar is, "I’m not still 86’d, am I?"
- You’d go to Mass more often if they weren’t so stingy with the wine.
- When you were in high school you had a poster of W.C. Fields on your bedroom wall.
- You drank ten bottles of wine last week and didn’t need a corkscrew once.
- You prefer Hamm’s and eggs for breakfast, minus the eggs.
- The rotgut whiskey you buy is so disgusting you have to drink the first half the bottle just so you’ll be drunk enough to put up with the taste of the second half.
- Whenever someone starts reading a bottle of Jack Daniels you say, "Quit cheating!"
- You don’t sniff the cork, you chew it.
- Your career is interfering with your drinking.
- You get so drunk Bud Light starts tasting like beer.
- You read this magazine until you fall asleep, then use it as a blanket.
- You heard you get drunker at higher altitudes so you always drink on top of the dumpster.
- Your alarm clock is a garbage truck.
- You’ve worked out a devious plot to steal Einstein’s brain. So you can drink the alcohol it’s stored in.
- You masturbate to the liquor ads in Playboy.
- You show up at the flu clinic to investigate rumors of "free shots."
Above and Beyond...
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty
Skill Badge: Bender Badge
Motto: “Alcohol above all!”
Steady employment, familial disdain and outraged spouses mean nothing to this fearless stalwart as he launches weeklong campaigns against liquor and liver alike..
[This medal is presented to: Darren the Colorado Conservative, who is currently on vacation!]
What should our next award be and to whom shall it go?
After Your Fifth Drink....
Here is a list that tells you when you are have officially become a drunkard. It comes from Modern Drunkurd Magazine.
Which one are YOU today?
Numbers 141-160 of 207:
- You make a point of never drinking before noon. Which is convenient, because you’re never up before three in the afternoon.
- One of your hobbies is sitting down and calculating exactly how much liquor your next paycheck would buy at the liquormart. Just out of curiosity, of course.
- Your co-workers start whispering with concern when you don’t come in with hangover.
- Your boss tells you to "Shape up or ship out," and you reply, "You mean like a cruise ship? Are the drinks expensive on cruise ships?"
- The whole terrorism deal became very clear to you when you found out muslims aren’t allowed to drink.
- You wish you were closer to Jesus, especially when he’s doing his wine to water thing.
- A cold cement floor looks comfortable and inviting.
- You wish temperance leagues still sang anti-drinking religious hymns outside bars, because, you know, it’d be a very funny thing to watch while getting hammered.
- You think alcohol-fueled automobiles are the wave of the future because, hey, it certainly works for you.
- You think a wrong number is an adequate excuse to go on a bender.
- "Going out for a beer or two" sometimes means waking up in Vegas three days later.
- You hated Ted Kennedy until you realized he can probably outdrink you.
- You always confuse the words picture and pitcher, especially when someone says, "Hey, take my picture."
- You happen to share the same home town, ethnicity, lifestyle, opinions, occupation or whatever-the-hell of whoever happens to be buying the drinks.
- You consider vodka a chaser.
- Your roommates say good morning to you and you haven’t been to bed yet.
- You volunteered to work for free for NASA when you heard about the gas clouds in space containing billions of gallons of alcohol.
- You know a bottle of Jack under your bed is worth a million bottles in the liquor store after midnight.
- You have told a bartender: "I didn’t hear anyone yell last call. How could I? I was in the bathroom, vomiting in your urinal."
- Half the bouncers in town know exactly how much you weigh.
Bullshit so far »
Above and Beyond...
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty
Skill Badge: Expert Wingman
Motto: “Alcohol above all!”
The most valuable ally any drunk can have, this heroic hooch head will distract, disempower and, yes, romantically engage the hideous sidekick so his pal may seize an alluring prize.
[This medal is presented to: Trey Givens]
Last One: Skill Badge: Bender Badge
What should our next award be and to whom shall it go?
Bullshit so far »» TreyGivens.com links with: Ladies Love Cool Trey
After Your Fifth Drink....
Here is a list that tells you when you are have officially become a drunkard. It comes from Modern Drunkurd Magazine.
Which one are YOU today?
Numbers 121-140 of 207:
- Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.
- You exist in a perfect Zen circle: you drink because your wife nags and she nags because you drink.
- You got so drunk on St. Patrick’s day it seemed like every other day.
- You must have a drink by eleven, it’s a deed that must be done. If you can’t have a drink by eleven, you must have eleven by one.
- If a man gave you a fish and you’d eat for a day. If he taught you to fish you’d sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- If it weren’t for the olives in your martinis, you’d starve to death.
- When your spirits get low, you use a straw.
- You’d go on the wagon, but can’t find one with a bar.
- You always cook with wine. Sometimes you even add it to the food.
- You drink a bottle of wine everyday. Unless you’re sick. Then you drink two.
- You refer to grapes as "wine eggs."
- You can walk into a 7-11 at 2am, look at the cheese dog that’s been mutating on the grill since 8am and think, "Man, that looks tasty!"
- You know liquor gets better with age, because the older you get the more you like it.
- You only drink to steady your nerves. Sometimes you get so steady you have to be carried out.
- You drink to make other people appear cool enough to hang out with you.
- Quitting drinking is the easiest thing in the world. You’ve done it a thousand times.
- You have a reserved parking space at four different liquor stores.
- You woke up feeling really strange, then realized you didn’t have a hangover.
- With a bottle of Passport Scotch and a suitcase of Stroh’s you can go on vacation without ever leaving your house.
- You never drink anything stronger than vodka before breakfast.
Bullshit so far »
After Your Fifth Drink....
For your entertainment today, I have a funny list of stuff that happens after your fifth drink. I can't remember where I grabbed this from, therefore I cannot give the proper credits. I think it is from Modern Drunkurd Magazine. If you've seen it somewhere else, let me know.
Which one are YOU today?
Numbers 101-120 of 207:
- You know that vodka is tasteless going down, but memorable coming up.
- You say when your drunk what you think when you’re sober.
- You know the best beer in the world is the one in your hand.
- Beer does not make you fat. It makes you lean— against bars, poles and tables.
- You always drink Irish Coffee for breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol.
- You don't drink anymore . . . of course, you don't drink any less, either.
- Your bartender never has to ask, "Do you want another?"
- You recognize that vomiting is just the body’s way of making room for another round.
- You distrust camels or anything else that can go a week without a drink.
- You're favorite method of dieting is the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
- Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
- You only drink to get rid of hangovers, and sometimes it takes all night.
- You know if you give up drinking you won’t actually live longer — it’ll just seem like longer.
- You spend ninety percent of your paycheck on drinking and waste the rest.
- You fell down two flights of stairs and didn’t spill a drop.
- You don’t mind blacking out because it makes Sunday confession much less embarrassing.
- When you wake up hungover you’re afraid you’ll die. Half an hour later you’re afraid you’ll live.
- You wonder why people need friends when you can just sit in a room and drink all day.
- You believe the only Absolut(e) in life is vodka.
- You went on a diet, swore off drinking and bar food, and in fourteen days you lost two weeks.
Bullshit so far »
This is now on my list of beers to find to review.
Contagion bullshitted on July 03, 2007 at 05:57 PM