The Beer Store Caper

After we finished running Evil Glenn out of the joint, I knew we would have to drink several beers to calm down. Besides, Harvey and Blackfive knocked over all those drinks and beers chasing that commie outside. Damn, this is gonna cost me.

I walked the storage area to check the beer cooler. Shit, this won't last very long. Not with Blackfive drinking 6 beers at a time. We're gonna have to go get some more beer so's we don't run out. Frank J and Misha get so pissed off when we run out of stuff and we don't want to listen to any of their shit tonight.

I asked Susie: "Susie, will you watch the joint for me while we go down to the beer store to get some more stock?"

Susie: "OK, but hurry up and don't be chasing any floozies around and stopping at the titty bars while you're gone. And leave the hookers alone, too." she shouted.

"I promise." [I lied]

With that, we headed toward the beer store. Something along the way just wasn't right. I couldn't quite put my finger on it though. You know, that nagging feeling you get when something is amiss.

As we pulled into the parking lot at the beer store, it was eerily empty. Not empty of cars and customers, but empty of the winos always hanging around begging for money and booze. "Where are all the winos?" I thought.

Just then, a wino/bum walked up to my car window.

Wino/Bum: "Hey man, could you spare some money... your loose change... anything?"

Blackfive slipped the dude a fiver.

Harvey: 'Don't be giving him any money! You'll just encourage him."

Blackfive: "Well, it's only a couple of bucks so he can run down and get some Mad Dog 20/20 or something."

A short silence, then in a very low voice, almost imperceptible, under his breath,

Blackfive: "Besides, I remember what it was like."

Harvey: "Dammit, Matt, now we'll have to give him money every time we buy beer! This is gonna cost you!"

We walked inside the beer store, got several cases of Blackfive's favorite imported beer. As we were checking out, the Wino/Bum that Blackfive had given the money to rushed into the store. He was all cut up and bleeding. Blood spurting everywhere. Just like that movie - Kill Bill.

Harvey asked: "What the hell happened to you?"

Wino/Bum: "I went around back to drink my wine in peace and this wild animal thing with evil tattoos was doing a Satan Worshiping ritual and it attacked me when I interrupted. It would have killed me too if it wasn't for that puppy that wondered by."

We looked at each other: Evil Glenn!

We followed the bloody footprint trail around the building and into the alley. There was a big round puddle o' blood in front of the dumpster.

Blackfive: "Harvey, check in the dumpster."

Harvey: "You check in the dumpster."

Me: "You friggin' wimps, I'll check in the dumpster. Crap, next time I'll bring Susie and Jennifer with me to do the heavy work."

I walked toward the dumpster, with Harvey and Blackfive close behind me. As I slowly lifted the lid off the dumpster, we all peeked inside. What a ghastly sight! Hobos - murdered - must be five or six of 'em. And doggie fur and Puppy Heads!

Just then, from down the ally, we hear a shout of glee! Evil Glenn jumped from behind the building.

"Death to all hobos!" he shouted and began doing the Robot Dance.

We chased him down the alley, but he leapt into his Monster Truck with the Big Giant Wheels and peeled out, leaving us in a smoke of rubber! As he pulled into the street, he veered sharply and ran over another hobo. Then he backed up and ran over him again.

"Is there no stopping this Hobo-murdering, Puppy-blending, Robot-dancing Commie, who listens to weird songs and reads funky books and makes pengiun porn?" we cried.

Just then we realized, Evil Glenn hadn't been on vacation, he's been murdering hobos at beer stores for the last week! Frank J ain't gonna like this!

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!