Precison Guided Humor
I recently had the distinktion of being selected to be an awards presenter at the Internet Blogosphere Awards Presentation and Slobberfest. As repulsed as I was at being given this dubious honor, I showed up and did my duty - but not before downing a couple of my famous Ultimate Martinis!
The award I presented was the Epimenides' Paradox Award. Last year's winner was Al Franken for Lying Liars and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them (or whatever that piece of crap book was named).
This award celebrates the ananias, the falsifier, the fibber, the fibster, the perjurer, the prevaricator, the storyteller, and well... big fat fucking liars. This year's nominees were Michael Moore and... Shit, he was such a big, fat, lying turd, no one else had room to enter.
So when I announced Michael Moore as the winner, I thought I would give him a little spoonful o' his own medicine and go off on my own rant:
You were a crack baby, severely retarded, hardly a looker. You are a borderline cretin, a socially maladjusted parasite, an ill-mannered, undereducated piece of white trash maggot-infested butt-fucking bed-wetting asshat. You are a howling, drunken, fat slob dancing about. You are one huge, corrupt, incestuous orgy of mutual masturbatory orgies. You syphilitic sow. You should be driven into a building, then blown up and buried under 50 ft of dirt and covered with pig shit. You have an IQ slightly above that of room-temperature butter which makes trying to hold a decent argument like kicking a cripple. You despicable, depraved, amoral slug. Anybody can bitch and moan, but few really have the answers, so go ahead and shove that gerbil up your Hilter-kissing, butt-fucking, skinhead-licking, sheep-fucking, small-impaired, desperatly seeking real contact, grasping stupid ass! You syphlitic, neutered, weiner-doggy with worms. You have the creative abilities of a bucket of okra. You are neurally-deficient, morally challenged colon polyp. You are like some cheesy advertizement jingle you can't get out of your head. Ack! You are like watching old ladies at the casino, working the slot machines for the big score but instead of using up their quarters, they're using up their credibility. You are lots of burps and fart noises, signifying nothing. There's a special place in hell for ogres like you. You are like a spoiled teenager begging for attention. You are very boring, whiny and utterly unfunny. Strange that you have't blown your bitter little brains out by now, given your decidedly limited and amoral worldview.
Ya wanna know the funny thing about the whole episode?
I got a standing ovation!
Cheers!
