Evil Glenn Part Time Job
From the Alliance HQ answering machine as Evil Glenn was on hold waiting to talk to Harvey:
I don't know about you, but my neighborhood is overrun with squirrels. However, unlike most people who feel that these pests are nothing more than a major nuisance, I say if it wasn't for those furry little friends I never would have been able to learn the art of taxidermy, prepare gourmet rodent delicacies or design fur-lined vests with matching bushy-tailed hats...
Gaddamn, that Evil Glenn is truly one evil son-of-a-bitch. Now he fucking the squirrels! Is nothing safe in this world from the vileness of Evil Glenn? Apparantly not...
What they said »New Blog Showcase
Voting for The Bear's New Blog Showcase this week:
This entry from Joe's Thoughts
This entry from a moderate environmentalist, BaySense.
Linky Love for those Alliance Members who voted last week is below!
Last Call »What they said »
Precision Guided Humor
OK. That does it! Now I gotta kick Harvey's ass and straighten him out a little. He's been hanging around with the pussies at the other end of the bar too fucking long. The gaddamn Corner of the Bar Babes are tougher than he is!
Below you see how Harvey is gonna deal with war-protesters and anti-America assholes. Sit back and watch me fisk the hell out of Harvey and teach him how to deal with a bunch of fucking idiots.
What they said »
New Blog Showcase
My votes for the New Blog Showcase this week are:
O.P.M.
and
Europe Hates America.
Below is a list of Alliance members that voted in last weeks showcase:
What they said »
Precision Guided Humor
This week's Precision Guided Humor Assignment at The Alliance is:
What were Uday and/or Qusay's last words?
D'oh!
I know, I know, that's really weak, but... I... I... Fuck it... I was just trying to get an entry in before the deadline and Susie and Harvey already took all the good ones, plus I love The Simpsons!
What they said »Evil Glenn Product Endorsements
The Alliance's newest assignment is to make up discover what products that Evil Glenn pimps as a Celebrity Endorser. Well, as I was flipping throught the Sunday paper, the one with three trees worth of crappy advertisements, I found out the Evil Glenn actually is a very prolific endorser. Here is a small sample of what I found:
Oester Blenders: The appliance of the Puppy Blender. (Evil Glenn not included)
Timex Watches: Takes a blending and but it keeps on ticking.
Coffee: Good to the last robot dance.
Blockbuster Video: This is not your father's penguin porn.
Toys R US 1: Evil Glenn tested, Mother approved.
Toys R US 2: The good penguin porn kids go for.
Stoeffers Chocolates: Chocolate blended puppies, since 1911.
Habitat for Humanity: Every hobo murdered helps.
Breakfast Cereal: Crunch all you want, we'll make puppy smoothies.
Mustard: Pardon me, do you have any grey puppy smoothies?
Foreign Products: Vorspung Durch Evil Glenn!
Foster's: Evil Glenn - Australian for Beer
First Baptist Church: It's good to talk to satan worshippers.
What they said »
The New UN Motto
The Alliance assignment to make up discover what the new United Nations motto should be is completed. Here are the members who completed this difficult assignment and thus are granted gratuitous linkage:
Roxette of Hoppings of Roxette Bunny
SilverBlue of Ramblings of SilverBlue
The Bartender of Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon
Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks
Damon of The Dimmick Institute
Phil of Flying Chair
Susie of Practical Penumbra
Don of Anger Management
Physics Geek of physicsgeek
Tom of Tom's Nap Room
Darren of Colorado Conservative
Harvey of Bad Money
What they said »
» Simon World links with: Thanks
Gratuitous Linkage
[Via Harvey's post] For the third straight week, the League of Liberals has won sponsorship of the New Blog Showcase. The good news is that they were once again under 100% participation. The bad news is that the Alliance didn't take advantage of that fact, and actually saw its own participation ratio drop a bit.
I hate those friggin guys! They bite the big one... for sure... those cheating bastards!
Anyway, here is some gratuitous linkage for The Alliance members that voted this week!
Last Call »What they said »
Newsflash: The Alliance
It looks like there is a lot of action over at The Alliance HQ this week.
Don has Survivor: The Blog Edition up and running.
I post a link to some Blog Tips from Living Room >> a space for life.
Trey Givens posts another Filthy Lie
Heather posts an observation about the LoL and reminds members to vote in The New Blog Showcase.
Blackfive reminds everyone to send their posts for The Hunting of the Snark, Bonfire of the Vanities and Carnival of the Vanities.
Harvey has gathered more Evil Glenn Quotes Lies - check the extended entry to read them all. My favorites from the new batch are:
Tom's Nap Room: Glenn Reynolds says: "I drink Michelob Ultra because I am a pussy who can't hold his liquor"
annika's journal: "The force is strong within that young Skywalker chick." - Darth Reynolds
What they said »
Evil Glenn Personals Ad
In an effort to try to slow down Evil Glenn, The Alliance has decided to help him find a woman mate. We figure that taking care of his woman mate should take some of his evil time away from him and save the puppies from horrible death by blending. So, here is a personal ad that I worked up to help him find his dream woman mate.
Charming S P Metrosexual Blogger searching for S P M F Metrosexual. Ages 8 to 80; Blind, crippled or crazy; I don't care. Any race, color, or creed. I'm not picky. Most All teeth and most hair expecially legs and underarms preferred optional. Must be adept at operating all models of blenders kitchen appliances. Must know how to pre-treat to get those hard to remove hobo and puppy blood stains out of laundry. Must like to stay home and watch pengiun porn movies. Must like the smell of murdered hobos hippies. Must be a satan-worshipping god-fearing person. Must be a commie bitch far-left-wing looney liberal. Must have an extensive heh, indeed volcabulary and talent for writing blog taglines. Must be into punching Frank J physical activity and exercise. Must love sailing and poetry. Must love kangaroos humping all animals, including snakes. Must like to go to Madfish Willie's bars and do the robot disco dance. Above all, must like blending puppies stroking little kittens!
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!
Ode To Evil Glenn
The Alliance assigment for poetry titled "An Ode To Glenn Reynolds" is completed.
This is the final listing of The Alliance members to complete this assignment and recieve gartutitous linkage! Go over to these people sites and read their odes to Evil Glenn! [There's some pretty good stuff here, really.]
Last Call »What they said »
UN Motto
The Alliance newest assignment is asking for our ideas of what the United Nations motto should be.
The United Nations:
France's answer to the UNilateral actions by the US
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
What they said »New Blog Showcase
For the New Blog Showcase at NZ Bear's this week, there are two parts - one political and one everything else.
My the everything else category vote goes to Rocket Penguin. I linked this post: Who Da Pope! after he first wrote it about a month ago. I liked it then, I like it now. Here is an excerpt fromhis list of objectives as Pope:
I will abolish grape juice for the whole communion thing. Come one you've got to sit through a few hours of church. The least the church can do is give you a real shot. The blood of Christ should really pack more of a kick than grape juice. I've never actually been to catholic church so if it's not grape juice, I'll see your wine and raise you tequila.Now, that's my kind of Pope!
Last Call »
What they said »
Frizzen Sparks
A big hearty Welcome to The Alliance's newest member: Frizzen Sparks.
Just came back from a visit to his site... nice design and layout... Evil Glenn Filthy Lie... good Glenn Reynolds quote... interesting posts... some ranting and raving... in short, my kind of blogger!
So go over and visit Graumagus and leave some comments on his stuff so he know's you went by to check it out!
What they said »An Ode To Glenn Reynolds
The Alliance wants to gather some Evil Glenn Poetry.
Well, there's no way I could produce anything like what Susie did in an Ode to Glenn Reynolds. Instead, I chose to cheat and Google for my entry. I came across this little gem that gives one possible explanation for puppy blending and not kitty blending!
Puppy HaikuThe cat is not all
Bad. She fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.
Gratuitous Linkage
These are The Alliance members that voted in The New Blog Showcase last week. Harvey is trying to encourage aal alliance members to vote so we can regain the sponsorship for the hated League of Liberals. So I am going with Harvey's lead in case we don't have a total duplication of readers.
If you see a link to a site you haven't read before, go on over and take a look. If, it's not your bottle of beer, don't go back.
Last Call »What they said »
League of Liberals (Boo...Hiss)
The Alliance has determined that the hated League of Liberals needs a tagline to communicate in a short message exactly what it is they stand for.
In order to show their gross ignorance and general fucking stupidity, Madfish Willie has composed this little ditty:
"Pouring the piss out of our boots so we can read the instructions on the heel! (so that's how to get piss out of your boot!)"
Damned if that doesn't tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!
What they said »Evil Glenn's Halloween Costume
The Alliance wants to know what Evil Glenn's Halloween plans are. Well, I'll tell you that later... right now I have found out what his puppy killing disguise halloween costume will be. So be on the look-out for this: Evil Glenn Costume
[ Drink Alert in effect ]
What they said »» BigStick.us links with: OMG PERMALINKS
» BigStick.us links with: OMG PERMALINKS
New Blog Showcase
The Alliance calls us to vote and we answer.
The New Blog Showcase this week has three entries I like:
The first one I linked over to from Linda, at Civilization Calls. It is called Legalizing Illegals and is from Peripheral Mind.
The second entry I liked is Compliments Wanted from Dipped in Chocolate.
The third entry I liked was a new blog from Daniel, a Munuvianan. He new blog is named Bsurot Tovot and his post is called Our Mission.
Go over to The Bear's and support these new bloggers - read their stuff, and if its not your bottle of beer, you don't have to tip.
What they said »Evil Glenn Quotes
Harvey at Bad Money has compiled all of the Evil Glenn Reynolds Quotes posted by Alliance members on their blogs as a requirement of membership. They are posted over at The Alliance HQ page.
My favorite is, of course, mine.
Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon - "If I were half the mixologist that The Bartender is, I wouldn't be blogging" -- Glenn Reynolds
Next, I like these:
Physicsgeek - "The Physics Geek is a nerdy fellow with absolutely no socially redeeming qualities. It's like I'm looking in a mirror." - Glenn Reynolds
The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler - "The Emperor's unstoppable might is the reason that no puppy blender can feel secure." - Glenn Reynolds.
There are many more to laugh at... Go on over and check it out!
Cheers!
What they said »Lessons From Teddy
The Alliance wants to know what life lessons I have learned from Ted Kennedy? Well, he taught me several things, some of which have come in very handy in dealing with life's everyday problems. He's given me lessons on everyday skills, lessons for personal safety and well-being, lessons that I should ignore and lessons that I never intend to forget.
- First, he taught me how to drive.
Then, he taught me how to swim.
Then, he taught me how to lie.
Then, he taught me how to get away with stuff.
Then, he taught me how to be fat pig.
Then, he taught me that he knows what's better for me than I do myself.
Last, but not least, he taught me to order doubles!
Cheers What they said »
Precison Guided Humor
I recently had the distinktion of being selected to be an awards presenter at the Internet Blogosphere Awards Presentation and Slobberfest. As repulsed as I was at being given this dubious honor, I showed up and did my duty - but not before downing a couple of my famous Ultimate Martinis!
The award I presented was the Epimenides' Paradox Award. Last year's winner was Al Franken for Lying Liars and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them (or whatever that piece of crap book was named).
This award celebrates the ananias, the falsifier, the fibber, the fibster, the perjurer, the prevaricator, the storyteller, and well... big fat fucking liars. This year's nominees were Michael Moore and... Shit, he was such a big, fat, lying turd, no one else had room to enter.
So when I announced Michael Moore as the winner, I thought I would give him a little spoonful o' his own medicine and go off on my own rant:
You were a crack baby, severely retarded, hardly a looker. You are a borderline cretin, a socially maladjusted parasite, an ill-mannered, undereducated piece of white trash maggot-infested butt-fucking bed-wetting asshat. You are a howling, drunken, fat slob dancing about. You are one huge, corrupt, incestuous orgy of mutual masturbatory orgies. You syphilitic sow. You should be driven into a building, then blown up and buried under 50 ft of dirt and covered with pig shit. You have an IQ slightly above that of room-temperature butter which makes trying to hold a decent argument like kicking a cripple. You despicable, depraved, amoral slug. Anybody can bitch and moan, but few really have the answers, so go ahead and shove that gerbil up your Hilter-kissing, butt-fucking, skinhead-licking, sheep-fucking, small-impaired, desperatly seeking real contact, grasping stupid ass! You syphlitic, neutered, weiner-doggy with worms. You have the creative abilities of a bucket of okra. You are neurally-deficient, morally challenged colon polyp. You are like some cheesy advertizement jingle you can't get out of your head. Ack! You are like watching old ladies at the casino, working the slot machines for the big score but instead of using up their quarters, they're using up their credibility. You are lots of burps and fart noises, signifying nothing. There's a special place in hell for ogres like you. You are like a spoiled teenager begging for attention. You are very boring, whiny and utterly unfunny. Strange that you have't blown your bitter little brains out by now, given your decidedly limited and amoral worldview.
Ya wanna know the funny thing about the whole episode?
I got a standing ovation!
Cheers!
What they said »Evil Glenn's Tagline
I'm back and I'm all better now. Now, where was I? That's right, Evil Glenn's tagline.
I was closing the joint up one night last week, I think it was Thursday. I heard a loud bang outside and went to investigate. There I found, all by itself beside the front door, what looked like a small music box. I picked it up and hurried back inside. Safely inside, I locked the doors and gazed at the frail little wooden box. Turning it around, I located a button. I thought to myself, 'Self, this button surely must turn the music box on'. I pressed the button. It vibrated out of my hands and dropped to the floor, somehow not splintering into bits and pieces, and landed on it's base. That's when it happened!
JOHN EMDALL, a dreadlocked woman in a silver uniform appeared to me in a weird column of light and said:
JOHN EMDALL: Salutations, great Bartender. I am John Emdall, from Planet Ten. A common grave danger confronts both our worlds. After a bloody reign of terror the hated leader of our military caste, the self-proclaimed Evil Lord Glenn Reynolds, a bloodthirsty butcher as evil as your Hitler was overthrown by freedom-loving forces, tried, and condemned, along with several hundred of his followers, to spend eternity in the formless void of the 8th dimension. Death was deemed too good for them. Now, you, bloggers, have unintentionally helped Evil Glenn with your internet oscillation overthruster. For our intelligence warns us he intends to steal your overthruster. If he should attempt this, we will have no choice but to disrupt world-wide internet communications, and fire a particle beam weapon from your airspace to Smolensk, in the Union of the Soviet Socialist Republics.THE BARTENDER: (alarmed) That's an action the Kremlin would most certainly misinterpret as an American first strike! They're already a little trigger-happy as it is!
JOHN EMDALL: Stop... Evil... Glenn... before sun... sets! If you fail, we will be forced to help you destroy yourselves.
There you have it - straight from the Black Lectroid's mouth.
Evil Glenn is an Evil Red Lectroid from Planet 10 and wants to take over the world's internet communications via the internet oscillation overthruster and thereby Rule The World!
Oh yeah... His tagline reads:
Must.Have.Internet.Oscillation.Overthruster
Cheers!
What they said »Precison Guided Humorr
This is what I would say if I had the floor at a Jacques Chirac press conference.
[Drink Alert is in effect for the remainer of this post.]
JACQUES CHIRAC IS A TROLL AND MUST DIE!
Thou hast forsaken me! Mine hatred of thee is pure and all-consuming. Now thou shalt taste the wrath of a Viking unavenged!
Hither and yon, thine creamy center will squish with greater glee than a pair of over-cooked rice balls! Lo, the overly-shiney Tricycle of Death comes to cart thy soul to the Monkey House! I shalt smite thine grandmother's stockings with more force than a polyp-bottomed Hungarian goat-herd on Tuesday! Behold, mine Fists of Justice greet thy face with a dozen roses and an unceremonious root canal! I will pelt thee with little packets of unpronounceable imported cheese! I shall flatten thee until thou can be used to store mine stock portfolio. I shall frappe thine entrails and paint thee tombstone with glitter! I shall force thee to wear thine dog's ass for a feedbag. Ye just wait til mine fuzzy rubber chicken gets through with thee! Odin calls upon Loyal Citizens to rise up and wield your mightiest weapons of destruction against this evil pretender!
[By this time, I'm really pissed off. I really let him have it. I give him The Ultimate Insult]
What they said »
