Daddies Long Legs

Being a Texan, this cracked me up:

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," Her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"That might be OK in Massachusetts & California, but we're not having any of that shit here in Texas."

~LCVeeshir
in the comments at this post over at The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on April 15 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Notable Quotables

Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back...

I really lack the words to compliment myself today.
- Alberto Tomba

I'll always be Number 1 to myself.
- Moses Malone

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on March 25 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Funny Stuff

Scattershooting...

You want to see something that will make you laugh your ass off?

Check this out: The 1000 Fighting Styles of Rumsfeld

Via Sir Banagor via Emperor Darth Misha I

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on March 18 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

Astronomy?

In honor of the discovery of a new planet in our solar system, here are some jokes:

  1. What does an astronomer use to hold up his pants?
  2. Where does an astronomer go for a higher education?
  3. Did you hear the joke about astronomy?
  4. How do you keep astronomers clean?

Answer the questions in the comments if you think you are clever enough... I'll acknowledge the correct answers as posted or post the correct answers tomorrow pm in the comments.

Some miscellaneous facts:

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on March 16 :: Permalink :: Comments (8) :: Funny Stuff

The Lush Lexicon - III

The Lush Lexicon: Buzzwords for Boozeheads

Hey, slop jaw, quit boozgarting the felony juice so we can finish frontloading and get our fade on.

Last call lothario
Someone who's shy until last call, at which point he'll try to hook up with anything that has a pulse and/or booze at their home.

Loudmouth soup
A shot of strong liquor.

MDA
Mysterious Drinking Accident. When you wake up with bruises and cuts you have no recollection of receiving. Also called UPI (Unidentified Party Injury), UBB (Unidentified Beer Bruise) and drunk marks.

NBR
No Beers Required: Someone sufficiently attractive enough to hit on while sober.

One for the ditch
A less optimistic version of One for the road.

Pavement pizza
Vomit on the sidewalk, often found outside bars.

Prole piss
Any cheap American lager.

Prole piss poser
A yuppie who attempts to appear down with the working class by making a point of ordering only bottom shelf liquor and cheap beer.

Mystery guest
The guy at the party no one seems to know. They usually lurk in the kitchen near the booze.

Riding a rocking horse into battle
Getting drunk on 3.2% beer.

Roadside olympics
Roadside sobriety test.

Shelf jumper
Someone whose tastes improve from bottom to top shelf when someone offers to buy them a drink.

Skinflint sprint
The fast walk a departing patron employs after he's left the cocktail waitress a less-than-generous tip on the table. Someone who spills (unintentionally or otherwise) most of his shot down the side of his face. As in, "Don't waste anymore money on Mike, he slopjawed the last three shots."

Stout gout
The morning-after flatulence that often follows a night of drinking Guinness.

Tart fuel
Bottled alcopops, e.g. Hooch, Sky Blue, etc., regularly consumed by young women.

Thousand mile glare
The blank, vaguely hostile look a veteran bartender will give you when you ask a stupid question such as, "Is the beer cold?"

Tip jar anxiety
The fear that an unobservant bartender won't notice you left a good tip.

Trip dog
The invisible canine that starts getting underfoot around your tenth drink. Once he arrives he will trip you up the rest of the night.

Trojan hooch
Bringing an empty bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag to a party so you won't appear a mooch.

Twelve stepper
A reformed drinker or someone who wants to quit drinking early. As in, "Hold on there, twelve stepper, the bouncer hasn't even threatened us yet."

Two pint screamer
Someone who gets noticeably drunk after two drinks.

Vodka vision
A liquor specific brand of beer goggles.

Wobbly pop
Any beverage containing alcohol.

New Words for Drunk:
jagged up, boiled as an owl, mothered, curried and mashed, de-ossified, full tight, skinned, pie-eyed, gibbled, in the paint, pile-axed, rat-assed, stinko, torn off the frame, torqued, troll-eyed, wired to the tits, banjoed, chateaued, one over the eight, pixelated, swipey, wankered, zigzag, slaughtered, juice-looped, 12 gauged, Boris Yelstinned, cop-sluggin' drunk, five winos gone, jackassed, liver-lubed, monkey assed, mullocked, paralytic, stolichnyed, ten feet tall and bulletproof, tore up from the floor up, Kennedied, wearing a big hat, shined up, wingdinged, off the leash, drunk uncled, picassoed, and finally, locked out of your mind.

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on February 19 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

The Lush Lexicon - II

Buzzwords for Boozeheads

Hey, slop jaw, quit boozgarting the felony juice so we can finish frontloading and get our fade on.

De-boned
To become so drunk you appear not to have any skeletal structure to hold you up.

Deep-dish olive pie
A martini.

Deja booty
When a drunk inexplicably has sex with the person he swore he would never speak of or to again, never ever.

Deja booze
When an infrequently enjoyed drink reminds you of the last time you enjoyed it. As in, "This margarita reminds me of when I was partying in Tijuana, just before I vomited on myself, picked a fight with the bartender and got thrown in the clink. Good times, good times."

Deserter
A full beer, possibly hidden, found when cleaning up the next day after a party.

Hell's own drag
Influence. As in, "See the size of that shot? Ever since I started dating the barmaid, I've got hell's own drag at this bar."

Drink link
An ATM.

Drink shrink
Those who, after a few drinks, discover they have the ability to psychoanalyze and offer solid personal advice to their friends and/or strangers.

Drinking in stereo
Boozing with a drink in each hand.

Felony juice
Tequila.

Flip wire
That fine, fuzzy line between buzzed and hammered. As in, "That fucker ain't driving, he tripped the flip wire three shots ago."

Floored
When you're so drunk standing up just seems a silly waste of time.

Frontloading
Getting drunk before going to a nightclub because the club's drinks are expensive.

FUBAR
Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.

Fugly bus
The mysterious bus that whisks away all the ugly people from the bar and replaces them with their beautiful cousins while you're in the bathroom draining your tenth pint.

Get the fade on
Going out with intention of getting very, very drunk.

Grog monster
The part of the brain that insists you keep drinking long after you should have went home and passed out.

Gutter hugger
Drinkers who empty the contents of their stomach into a gutter or nearest trash can.

Hooch hotel
The drunk tank.

Housed
Moderately drunk. This term is particularly popular with those who listen to the Grateful Dead and smoke large amounts of marijuana.

Jack and Jill
A shot of Jack Daniels and a beer.

Joint of no return
A bar from which you are 86'd.

Juice card
Received on your 21st birthday.

Jumping on the grenade
When two groups of the opposite sex meet, one member "jumps on the grenade" by talking to (or possibly sleeping with) the least attractive member of the other group so as to ensure the success of the rest of the group.

Jumping strays
Stealing unattended or abandoned drinks at a bar or party. As in, "I'm so broke I've been jumping strays all night."

Kamikaze eyes
The look a drunk gets when he spies someone he always hated but never had the guts to fight. Until now.

Keg commander
the boisterous chap who hovers around the keg so as to ensure everyone knows how to properly pour a beer.

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on February 3 :: Permalink :: Comments (91) :: Funny Stuff
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: Logistics and Reenlistment.
» Electric Venom links with: The Letter of The Day is D
» Technicalities links with: More Wandering About
» Random Fate links with: It's time to lighten up...
» Practical Penumbra links with: Lucky Day Links
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: Now here is a home appliance I could go for!
» XSet links with: One down, god knows how many to go
» Straight White Guy links with: What's Going On?...
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: A little change of pace...

The Lush Lexicon

Buzzwords for Boozeheads

Hey, slop jaw, quit boozgarting the felony juice so we can finish frontloading and get our fade on.

Confused?

You should be. Bar slang is constantly evolving and if you fall behind you'll start coming off like Al Gore trying to get down at Ol' Dirty Bastard show. So let The Bartender hip you up and get you in with the cool kids.

Bait-and-switch
When an attractive person invites you to his or her table then steers you to a less attractive friend.

Barley sandwich
Beer for lunch. Also called a slurp sandwich.

Bayonetting the wounded
Gamely drinking the half-finished beers the morning after a party.

Booze coupons
Money.

Bedspins
The variety of spins that occur while lying prone. Putting one foot on the floor usually helps. If you are already on the floor, may God have mercy on your soul.

Beer bitch
The person sitting closest to the cooler or refrigerator at a party whose sole purpose in life is to grab another beer when yours runs out.

Beer blinders
One's perception when under the influence of alcohol. Often causes unattractive people to look hot, long distances to look jumpable and break dancing moves to look easy.

Beer Pressure
The tendency to drink what your friends drink.

Beer queer
A straight man who will pretend to be gay so as to solicit free drinks from an unsuspecting homosexual.

Blackout Brigade
A group of heavy drinkers.

Booze compass
The instinct that leads you home when you're blackout drunk.

Booze muscle
The increase in courage and combat abilities linked to heavy alcohol consumption.

Booze snooze
A nap taken early in the afternoon after a morning of drinking, designed to prepare you for the evening's drinking.

Boozgart
The person who, when he is supposed to be passing the bottle of liquor around, stops to reflect on the first time he got drunk, last time he got drunk, etc. A derivative of the stoner term bogart.

Breaking the Seal
Urinating for the first time during a drinking session. Once the seal is broken, restroom trips become much more frequent.

Britney Spears
A light beer. As in, "How can I take you seriously when you've been sucking
on Britney Spears all night?"

Buzzkill
That which destroys the buzz. Examples are fights with one's significant other while at the bar, boors who insist on telling that story one more time, your best friend admitting that he/she is sleeping with your significant other, horrible music after you've just heard three of your favorite songs in a row, or discovering that you actually have less than half of the money that you thought you had at the beginning of the evening.

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on February 2 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

What the Fuck?

What the fuck… don’t fuck with me… fuckin A… flying fuckfuck off… fuck you… fuck….

A google search for historical origins of fuck yields Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon: Fuck You! as #5 result. Only #5?!? UPDATE: Well, now Madfish Willie's is the #2 & #3 result. In a couple of days, I should be #1! Woohoo!

Here's a recap of some of the top results and we'll all know where the fuck fuck came from.

Here's the last fucking day of fuck:

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on February 1 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

What the Fuck?

What the fuck… don’t fuck with me… fuckin A… flying fuckfuck off… fuck you… fuck….

A google search for historical origins of fuck yields Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon: Fuck You! as #5 result. Only #5?!? UPDATE: Well, now Madfish Willie's is the #2 & #3 result. In a couple of days, I should be #1! Woohoo!

Here's a recap of some of the top results and we'll all know where the fuck fuck came from.

Here's the fifth fucking day of fuck:

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 31 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

What the Fuck?

What the fuck… don’t fuck with me… fuckin A… flying fuckfuck off… fuck you… fuck….

A google search for historical origins of fuck yields Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon: Fuck You! as #5 result. Only #5?!? Here's a recap of some of the top results and we'll all know where the fuck fuck came from.

Here's the fourth fucking day of fuck:

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 30 :: Permalink :: Comments (4) :: Funny Stuff
» DramaQueen links with: beauty and love and art and ooh, all sorts of nice things!
» TreyGivens.com links with: These Are a Few of My Favorite Things ~Or~ A Bloggiverse Snap Jar
» Tao of Dowingba links with: F.u.c.k.
» Tao of Dowingba links with: A hypothetical conversation

What the Fuck?

What the fuck… don’t fuck with me… fuckin A… flying fuckfuck off… fuck you… fuck….

A google search for historical origins of fuck yields Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon: Fuck You! as #5 result. Only #5?!? Here's a recap of some of the top results and we'll all know where the fuck fuck came from.

Here's the third fucking day of fuck:

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 29 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

What the Fuck?

What the fuck… don’t fuck with me… fuckin A… flying fuckfuck off… fuck you… fuck….

I was going through my referrers log and checking searches that yielded Madfish Willie's. A google search for historical origins of fuck yields Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon: Fuck You! as #5 result. Here is a recap of some of the top results and sonn we'll all know where the fuck fuck came from.

Here's the second fucking day of fuck:

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 28 :: Permalink :: Comments (3) :: Funny Stuff
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: Irish Extreme Sports.

What the Fuck?

What the fuck… don’t fuck with me… fuckin' A… flying fuckfuck off… fuck you… fuck….

I was doing a check through my referrers yesterday and checking searches that pointed people to Madfish Willie's. A google search for historical origins of fuck yields Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon: Fuck You! as #5 result. Only #5?!? Well, we must do something about this. Therefore, I will do a recap of some of the top results and we'll all know where the fuck fuck came from.

Here's the first fucking day of fuck:

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 24 :: Permalink :: Comments (7) :: Funny Stuff
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: More trolling through the 'roll.

Above and Beyond...

Above and Beyond Last Call
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty


MiddleFingerB.jpg


Skill Badge: Smart-Ass Prick Bartender

Motto: “Fuck You!”

Nominated by Harvey from Bad Money

The bartenders at the little Dallas Club in San Antonio, in addition to being the fastest fucking bartenders that ever lived, were all a bunch of smart-ass, rude, fucking pricks! We were Dick's Last Resort bartenders before Dick's Last Resort was a wet dream. Hell, fuck Dick's, we would probably have been fired from Dick's for being to rude!

So, The Bartender accepts this medal on behalf of all my fellow bartenders from the Legendary Dallas Club at Fredericksburg / Wurzbach in San Antonio

What should our next award be and to whom shall it go?

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 23 :: Permalink :: Comments (5) :: Funny Stuff

After Your Fifth Drink....

Here is a list that tells you when you are have officially become a drunkard. It comes from Modern Drunkurd Magazine.

Which one are YOU today?

Numbers 181-207 of 207:

  1. You have a born-on date tattooed on your beer gut.

  2. You hold a bottle of hair spray and say, "Man, if you were ice cold."

  3. You're addressed by three separate liquor store owners as "the guy who paid for my houseboat."

  4. You often confuse the word breakfast with Bloody Marys, i.e., "What are we going to have for Bloody Marys this morning?"

  5. You know that liquor is especially tasty when it comes from the secret hiding place in your roommates's closet.

  6. You can, in a pinch, construct a fully-operational keg tap from a cigarette lighter, two clothespins and lots of love.

  7. You get in a heated conversation with your barstool neighbor about the proper way to vomit from a moving vehicle.

  8. At 2am you proclaim, "The party ain't over until the fat lady says no!"

  9. You need a cosigner to open a bar tab.

  10. The monkey on your back is in rehab.

  11. You know that, with a bouncer's assistance, man in capable of short-term flight.

  12. You have recurring dream you're hired by the Guinness\Playboy Research foundation to prove twenty pints a day improves your sex life.

  13. You often take your lover for romantic strolls among the picturesque aisles of liquor superstores.

  14. You will eat a bug for a shot.

  15. You know wine is mentioned in the Bible over 250 times. Perrier? Not once!

  16. You have strained cigarette-butt infested beer through your teeth.

  17. You consider 3.2 beer on Sunday as Uncle Sam's cruel taunt.

  18. You can hear someone whisper "free beer" from three blocks away.

  19. You know the heartbreak of watching the bartender dump the spill tray.

  20. You call the bartending academy, inquiring as to what they do with their mistakes.

  21. You refer to your refrigerator as "the stand-up beer cooler."

  22. You give directions with liquor stores and bars the the major landmarks, i.e., "You'll pass Argonaut's Liquors on the left and Scooter's on the right, then turn right on the street between the Satire Lounge and the Lion's Lair, then continue until you see the tree that looks like a huge martini glass."

  23. You think vomiting is the body's way of making room for the next round.

  24. The first thing you look for on a wine label is the alcohol content.

  25. You consider Aqua Velvet a daring after-hours liqueur.

  26. You recognize last call as a secret signal that all unattended drinks are fair game.

  27. When someone says "expensive wine," you think "gallon jug."

  28. Four years of research and three hours of writing went into your masterful college thesis, "MD 20\20: Self-Esteem Enhancer For the Leisure Classes, or Cancer Cure for the Working Masses?"

Tomorrow: A round-up and gratuitous LinkFest of past claimers of the numbers!

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 23 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Funny Stuff

After Your Fifth Drink....

Here is a list that tells you when you are have officially become a drunkard. It comes from Modern Drunkurd Magazine.

Which one are YOU today?

Numbers 161-180 of 207:

  1. You know that time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.

  2. You use Calvin Klien’s new aftershave, but don’t really care for the aftertaste.

  3. You refer to your mouth as your "booze hole."

  4. You wish bartenders would spend more time ‘tending’ and less time ‘barring.’

  5. The first thing you say when you walk in a bar is, "I’m not still 86’d, am I?"

  6. You’d go to Mass more often if they weren’t so stingy with the wine.

  7. When you were in high school you had a poster of W.C. Fields on your bedroom wall.

  8. You drank ten bottles of wine last week and didn’t need a corkscrew once.

  9. You prefer Hamm’s and eggs for breakfast, minus the eggs.

  10. The rotgut whiskey you buy is so disgusting you have to drink the first half the bottle just so you’ll be drunk enough to put up with the taste of the second half.

  11. Whenever someone starts reading a bottle of Jack Daniels you say, "Quit cheating!"

  12. You don’t sniff the cork, you chew it.

  13. Your career is interfering with your drinking.

  14. You get so drunk Bud Light starts tasting like beer.

  15. You read this magazine until you fall asleep, then use it as a blanket.

  16. You heard you get drunker at higher altitudes so you always drink on top of the dumpster.

  17. Your alarm clock is a garbage truck.

  18. You’ve worked out a devious plot to steal Einstein’s brain. So you can drink the alcohol it’s stored in.

  19. You masturbate to the liquor ads in Playboy.

  20. You show up at the flu clinic to investigate rumors of "free shots."

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 22 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

Above and Beyond...

Above and Beyond Last Call
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty


bender.jpg

Skill Badge: Bender Badge

Motto: “Alcohol above all!”

Steady employment, familial disdain and outraged spouses mean nothing to this fearless stalwart as he launches weeklong campaigns against liquor and liver alike..

[This medal is presented to: Darren the Colorado Conservative, who is currently on vacation!]

What should our next award be and to whom shall it go?

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 22 :: Permalink :: Comments (5) :: Funny Stuff

After Your Fifth Drink....

Here is a list that tells you when you are have officially become a drunkard. It comes from Modern Drunkurd Magazine.

Which one are YOU today?

Numbers 141-160 of 207:

  1. You make a point of never drinking before noon. Which is convenient, because you’re never up before three in the afternoon.

  2. One of your hobbies is sitting down and calculating exactly how much liquor your next paycheck would buy at the liquormart. Just out of curiosity, of course.

  3. Your co-workers start whispering with concern when you don’t come in with hangover.

  4. Your boss tells you to "Shape up or ship out," and you reply, "You mean like a cruise ship? Are the drinks expensive on cruise ships?"

  5. The whole terrorism deal became very clear to you when you found out muslims aren’t allowed to drink.

  6. You wish you were closer to Jesus, especially when he’s doing his wine to water thing.

  7. A cold cement floor looks comfortable and inviting.

  8. You wish temperance leagues still sang anti-drinking religious hymns outside bars, because, you know, it’d be a very funny thing to watch while getting hammered.

  9. You think alcohol-fueled automobiles are the wave of the future because, hey, it certainly works for you.

  10. You think a wrong number is an adequate excuse to go on a bender.

  11. "Going out for a beer or two" sometimes means waking up in Vegas three days later.

  12. You hated Ted Kennedy until you realized he can probably outdrink you.

  13. You always confuse the words picture and pitcher, especially when someone says, "Hey, take my picture."

  14. You happen to share the same home town, ethnicity, lifestyle, opinions, occupation or whatever-the-hell of whoever happens to be buying the drinks.

  15. You consider vodka a chaser.

  16. Your roommates say good morning to you and you haven’t been to bed yet.

  17. You volunteered to work for free for NASA when you heard about the gas clouds in space containing billions of gallons of alcohol.

  18. You know a bottle of Jack under your bed is worth a million bottles in the liquor store after midnight.

  19. You have told a bartender: "I didn’t hear anyone yell last call. How could I? I was in the bathroom, vomiting in your urinal."

  20. Half the bouncers in town know exactly how much you weigh.

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 21 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Funny Stuff

Above and Beyond...

Above and Beyond Last Call
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty


wingman.jpg

Skill Badge: Expert Wingman

Motto: “Alcohol above all!”

The most valuable ally any drunk can have, this heroic hooch head will distract, disempower and, yes, romantically engage the hideous sidekick so his pal may seize an alluring prize.

[This medal is presented to: Trey Givens]

Last One: Skill Badge: Bender Badge

What should our next award be and to whom shall it go?

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 21 :: Permalink :: Comments (9) :: Funny Stuff
» TreyGivens.com links with: Ladies Love Cool Trey

After Your Fifth Drink....

Here is a list that tells you when you are have officially become a drunkard. It comes from Modern Drunkurd Magazine.

Which one are YOU today?

Numbers 121-140 of 207:

  1. Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.

  2. You exist in a perfect Zen circle: you drink because your wife nags and she nags because you drink.

  3. You got so drunk on St. Patrick’s day it seemed like every other day.

  4. You must have a drink by eleven, it’s a deed that must be done. If you can’t have a drink by eleven, you must have eleven by one.

  5. If a man gave you a fish and you’d eat for a day. If he taught you to fish you’d sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

  6. If it weren’t for the olives in your martinis, you’d starve to death.

  7. When your spirits get low, you use a straw.

  8. You’d go on the wagon, but can’t find one with a bar.

  9. You always cook with wine. Sometimes you even add it to the food.

  10. You drink a bottle of wine everyday. Unless you’re sick. Then you drink two.

  11. You refer to grapes as "wine eggs."

  12. You can walk into a 7-11 at 2am, look at the cheese dog that’s been mutating on the grill since 8am and think, "Man, that looks tasty!"

  13. You know liquor gets better with age, because the older you get the more you like it.

  14. You only drink to steady your nerves. Sometimes you get so steady you have to be carried out.

  15. You drink to make other people appear cool enough to hang out with you.

  16. Quitting drinking is the easiest thing in the world. You’ve done it a thousand times.

  17. You have a reserved parking space at four different liquor stores.

  18. You woke up feeling really strange, then realized you didn’t have a hangover.

  19. With a bottle of Passport Scotch and a suitcase of Stroh’s you can go on vacation without ever leaving your house.

  20. You never drink anything stronger than vodka before breakfast.

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 20 :: Permalink :: Comments (6) :: Funny Stuff

After Your Fifth Drink....

For your entertainment today, I have a funny list of stuff that happens after your fifth drink. I can't remember where I grabbed this from, therefore I cannot give the proper credits. I think it is from Modern Drunkurd Magazine. If you've seen it somewhere else, let me know.

Which one are YOU today?

Numbers 101-120 of 207:

  1. You know that vodka is tasteless going down, but memorable coming up.

  2. You say when your drunk what you think when you’re sober.

  3. You know the best beer in the world is the one in your hand.

  4. Beer does not make you fat. It makes you lean— against bars, poles and tables.

  5. You always drink Irish Coffee for breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol.

  6. You don't drink anymore . . . of course, you don't drink any less, either.

  7. Your bartender never has to ask, "Do you want another?"

  8. You recognize that vomiting is just the body’s way of making room for another round.

  9. You distrust camels or anything else that can go a week without a drink.

  10. You're favorite method of dieting is the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

  11. Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

  12. You only drink to get rid of hangovers, and sometimes it takes all night.

  13. You know if you give up drinking you won’t actually live longer — it’ll just seem like longer.

  14. You spend ninety percent of your paycheck on drinking and waste the rest.

  15. You fell down two flights of stairs and didn’t spill a drop.

  16. You don’t mind blacking out because it makes Sunday confession much less embarrassing.

  17. When you wake up hungover you’re afraid you’ll die. Half an hour later you’re afraid you’ll live.

  18. You wonder why people need friends when you can just sit in a room and drink all day.

  19. You believe the only Absolut(e) in life is vodka.

  20. You went on a diet, swore off drinking and bar food, and in fourteen days you lost two weeks.

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 16 :: Permalink :: Comments (4) :: Funny Stuff

Above and Beyond...

Above and Beyond Last Call
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty


keg.jpg

Skill Badge: Croix de Keg

Motto: “Alcohol above all!”

When lightweights have given up, this stout drunkard will lift the keg, slur, “It’s only half done,” vomit over his left shoulder, then singlehandedly do battle with his aluminum adversary until it floats empty and despondent in its icy tomb.

[This medal is presented to: Duke Nukem - Madfish Willie's Official Brewmeister!]

Next Time: ?????

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 16 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Funny Stuff

After Your Fifth Drink....

For your entertainment today, I have a funny list of stuff that happens after your fifth drink. I can't remember where I grabbed this from, therefore I cannot give the proper credits. If you've seen it somewhere else, let me know.

Which one are YOU today?

Numbers 81-100 of 207:

  1. You woke up on New Years Eve with the resolution of finding out which bars open earliest.

  2. Get mad when your family calls you a
    wino because they know damn well you prefer whiskey.

  3. You’re definition of a problem drinker is guy who won’t buy you a round.

  4. You hate the person you become when you black out, because, you know, that fucker drinks all your beer.

  5. You know hangovers only last a day, but a good drinking story lives on forever.

  6. You don’t like to think of it as blacking out. You prefer to think of it as exercising the lizard brain.

  7. The only useful thing you got out of an A.A. meeting was learning how to identify your enablers. Because, hey, those guys are most likely to buy you a drink.

  8. You distrust any wine that doesn’t give you a decent hangover.

  9. A good drinking buddy will bail you out of jail, but a great drinking buddy will be sitting in the cell beside you, saying, "Man, that was awesome!"

  10. The last words you remember each night are, "Hold my beer and watch this!"

  11. You’re disappointed when you go to a funeral and there’s no keg.

  12. You refer to your mouth as your "booze hole."

  13. You’ve told Jehovah’s Witnesses, "Of course, I want to go to Heaven. I’m sure it’s awesome. God does pick up the tab every night, right?"

  14. You once got so drunk you dreamed you got fired and broke up with your girlfriend — and it all came true!

  15. You regularly ask bartenders, "So, how are the spill mats looking tonight? Anything good in there?"

  16. Someone tells you they don’t drink anymore, and you bravely respond, "Don’t worry about it, buddy, I’ll take up your slack!"

  17. You prefer vodka that comes in the handy plastic squeeze-size bottles.

  18. The bartender asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.

  19. Two weeks into the bender you found out "Drink Canada Dry" was a corporate slogan, not a challenge.

  20. For the money you’ve spent on Thunderbird, you could have bought the car.

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 15 :: Permalink :: Comments (3) :: Funny Stuff

Above and Beyond...

Above and Beyond Last Call
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty


vermouth-wings.jpg

Skill Badge: Vermouth Wings

Motto: “Alcohol above all!”

When the keg is dead and the vodka vanquished, this plucky lush will stare a bottle of vermouth in the fancy label and say, “Fuck it, it has alcohol in it, right?” And, vile shot after vile shot, he will take that bottle down.

[This is presented to: Trey Givens - who else would drink vermouth?]

Next Time: Skill Badge: Croix de Keg

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 15 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff
» TreyGivens.com links with: Ladies Love Cool Trey

After Your Fifth Drink....

For your entertainment today, I have a funny list of stuff that happens after your fifth drink. I can't remember where I grabbed this from, therefore I cannot give the proper credits. If you've seen it somewhere else, let me know.

Which one are YOU today?

Numbers 61-80 of 207:

  1. You’ve discovered that teaching your dog to shoplift from liquor stores was not nearly as hard as teaching him to distinguish between Grey Goose and McCormick’s.

  2. You were against going to war with Iraq until you found out those poor fuckers aren’t allowed to drink.

  3. The first thing you thought when you woke up yesterday was, "Wow, look at all that gum stuck under the bar!"

  4. Your girlfriend left you because you accidentally cried out "Glenfiddich" while making love.

  5. Your beer back comes with a tap.

  6. You conduct weekly "assisted short-term flight" experiments every weekend. With the help of various bouncers.

  7. You’re regularly mobbed by autograph hungry alley winos.

  8. You were the first person in line at the flu clinic because you heard they were giving away free shots.

  9. You like tequila with a lime — or dirt, or a hamster or whatever, so long as there’s tequila involved.

  10. You come home sober and your dog bites you.

  11. The cafeteria in the detox center has a sandwich named after you.

  12. You can’t recognize your best friend unless he’s leaning against a bar. With a drink in his hand. Drunk.

  13. You like a splash of coffee in your morning whiskey.

  14. You can blow a .08 BAC from twenty feet away.

  15. You take swim trunks to brewery tours.

  16. You’re kept awake at night by the sound of your liver crying.

  17. You prefer cold showers because the ice in your drink doesn’t melt as fast.

  18. You’re shocked and confounded to discover they actually sell Coke without Jack Daniels.

  19. When a cop asks you to walk a straight line, you ask, "Which one?"

  20. You tried getting out of a DUI by putting a beer label on your arm and telling the cop you’re off the booze and on the patch.

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 14 :: Permalink :: Comments (4) :: Funny Stuff

Above and Beyond...

Above and Beyond Last Call
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty


buk.jpg

The Bukowski Award

Motto: “Alcohol above all!”

The highest award a drunkard can receive, this medal is given to those who have conducted a lifelong campaign against every manner of booze, hooch, brew and vino. No fortified wine is too vile, no rotgut too evil, no beer too green for this master of benders and barroom brawls. He is the flickering light that is the inspiration of common drunks the world over.

[This is presented to Matty O'Blackfive… what can I say?]

Next Time: Skill Badge: Vermouth Wings

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 14 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

After Your Fifth Drink....

For your entertainment today, I have a funny list of stuff that happens after your fifth drink. I can't remember where I grabbed this from, therefore I cannot give the proper credits. If you've seen it somewhere else, let me know.

Which one is Harvey today?

Numbers 41-60 of 207:

  1. You’re stalked by alcoholic vampires.

  2. You have never screwed a cap back onto a liquor bottle.

  3. Your friends pretend to be bartenders, just so you’ll pay attention to them.

  4. Your personal mantra is, "Where there’s a swill, there’s a sway."

  5. You suffer from barthritis— every night you get stiff in another joint.

  6. You don’t recognize the difference between "waking up" and "coming to."

  7. You donate a pint of blood and the hospital has to card the patient they give it to.

  8. Your liver enters itself in a Tough Man competition.

  9. You wear Hawaiian shirts because it’s tougher to see vomit stains on them.

  10. Going out drinking with you is covered by your friends’ insurance.

  11. As a child your dad helped you learn math by first explaining a four-count.

  12. Your personal math system is based on the number six, i.e.: "I’ll take a twelver of Big Macs, with a sixer of those without cheese."

  13. You use visualization techniques to master beer bongs.

  14. In high school, you were voted most likely to drink in grade school.

  15. 2 for 1 is your lucky number.

  16. A perfect date is soft music, a bottle of wine and moi.

  17. A couple times a year you go on a "non-bender."

  18. Before you go out each night you consult a psychic hotline to determine which bartenders will be pouring strong.

  19. Peeling the label off a beer bottle arouses you.

  20. You feel a tinge of pride when someone refers to you as a "shameless alcoholic."

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 13 :: Permalink :: Comments (3) :: Funny Stuff
» Ramblings of SilverBlue links with: Tuesday...who Link-Luv™'s Ya Baby?

Above and Beyond...

Above and Beyond Last Call
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty


worm.jpg

Legion of the Worm

Motto: “I see you down there, you little bastard.”

No snooty agave grub can daunt the likes of these mescal warriors. Locked in mortal combat with a bottle of the most monstrous of liquors, this liquor legionnaire will guzzle his way through hellish and murky depths and, seizing his rival in his teeth, will announce, “Tastes like chick bllllaaaaaakakak!”

[This is presented to GlennRio - who taugt me how to tend bar and how to drink Cuervo gold striaght up with a coke back! Ack!!]

Next Time: The Bukowski Award

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 13 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

After Your Fifth Drink....

For your entertainment today, I have a funny list of stuff that happens after your fifth drink. I can't remember where I grabbed this from, therefore I cannot give the proper credits. If you've seen it somewhere else, let me know.

Which one is Harvey today?

Numbers 21-40 of 207:

  1. The glass isn’t half empty or half full. It just needs to be topped off.

  2. You don’t fall off the wagon—you leap off it while chugging a bottle of cheap bourbon.

  3. You have two personalities: Mr. Responsibility and Mr. I-Think-I’ll-Call-All-My-Old-Girlfriends-While-I'm-Blacked-Out.

  4. The word "rent" loses all meaning after your fifth drink.

  5. You’re so good at "drinking to forget" that you sometimes forget how to walk.

  6. Whenever someone in a suit spills your well bourbon it magically transforms into top shelf scotch on the way to the floor.

  7. You laugh at funerals but weep like a baby whenever you hear about a beer truck overturning.

  8. You’d rather be a bus driver than an astronaut because, hey, there ain’t no beer where they’re going.

  9. You don’t mind when your wife finds you stinking drunk in a bar, because then you can hit her up for a free drink.

  10. Pink elephants get drunk and they see you.

  11. You can get drunk on Scotch tape.

  12. You’re not a hard drinker. It’s the easiest thing you do.

  13. You like to have a drink between drinks.

  14. You’d join AA but your always too drunk too memorize the pledge.

  15. Your sleep number is 151 . . . proof.

  16. You quit drinking once, and it was the worst afternoon of your life.

  17. You won’t eat an olive unless it’s sterilized in gin.

  18. You think Beethoven’s Fifth is a bottle of schnapps.

  19. You’re living a champagne lifestyle on a beer budget. Except you don’t like champagne so you just drink lots and lots of beer.

  20. Gin rummy sounded like a fun game.

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 12 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

Above and Beyond...

Above and Beyond Last Call
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty


detox.jpg

Prisoner of War Award

Motto: “Yamudderrfuckincopeyeainevendrunkyet.”

“These goddamn handcuffs are too tight,” are the watch-words of this gritty class of drunkard. For even the slyest of boozeheads are sometimes captured by the enemy and forced to endure the hardships of inedible box lunches, malodorous cellmates and mind-numbing counseling sessions common to detox centers and longer-term facilities. With even greater courage, he will call friends who can barely make rent and ask, “Dude, can you post bail?”

[This is presented to Mike the Marine.]

Next Time: Legion of the Worm

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 12 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

After Your Fifth Drink....

For your entertainment today, I have a funny list of stuff that happens after your fifth drink. I can't remember where I grabbed this from, therefore I cannot give the proper credits. If you've seen it somewhere else, let me know.

See if you can pick which one is Harvey!

Numbers 1-20 of 207:

  1. After your fifth drink, you’re like Don Juan with the ladies: They Don Juan nothing to do with you.

  2. You suspect that water, taken in small quantities, isn’t all that dangerous.

  3. You occasionally have meals with your wine.

  4. You wake up every morning at the crack of ice.

  5. You drink to forget you drink.

  6. You distrust camels, or anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

  7. People get drunk by shaking your hand.

  8. You never eat breakfast on an empty stomach.

  9. Beer is the reason you get up every afternoon.

  10. The only drinking problem you have is the two-hands/one-mouth thing.

  11. Your house is so messy because it spins like a top every time you lie down.

  12. You drink to steady yourself, and sometimes you get so steady you can’t move.

  13. You never walk, you just occasionally stagger in a straight line.

  14. You get angry because there’s always so much booze left at the end of your money.

  15. You think that drunks are a lot like chess players, only drunk.
  16. You forgot your fishing pole on your fishing trip and didn’t notice.

  17. You’ve been laid out on more floors than Johnson’s Wax.

  18. Your liver has hired an attorney.

  19. You wish all the world’s parking lots could be somehow turned into lush rain forests, because, you know, it’s hard to hide from cops in a parking lot.

  20. Your favorite bar installed a seat belt on your barstool.

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 10 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Funny Stuff

Above and Beyond...

Above and Beyond Last Call
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty


spare-change.jpg

Beer Not Bread Award

Motto: “I’m so hungry I could eat a gallon of whiskey.”

When dire finances dictate a full belly or a fullbore night of drinking, this lionhearted lush never teeters between Top Ramen and twelvers of cheap beer. Keenly aware that food is temporary but memories of debauchery last a lifetime, he will ignore his growling stomach and ask the grocery clerk, “Where’s the beer section?"

[This is presented to me, in my youth, when I did some serious drinking on a nightly basis.]

Next Time: Prisoner of War Award

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 9 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff
» Just A Girl In The World links with: MT Blacklist

Above and Beyond...

Above and Beyond Last Call
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty


drink-rescue.jpg

Abandoned Drink Rescue Commedation

Motto: “This drink belong to anybody?”

No cocktail or pint need ever fear being callously dumped into spill buckets while this intrepid inebriate is on hand. His ears endlessly tuned to the melting of ice in a neglected cocktail and the dying carbonation of a forgotten pitcher, he will swoop down like a chivalrous Valkyrie or creep up like a stealthy commando to rescue and deliver the orphan to its rightful home—his belly.

[This is presented to Finn the Viking, because he swoops down like a chivalrous Valkyrie]

Next Time: Beer Not Bread Award

Nominations for this award??

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 7 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

Above and Beyond...

Above and Beyond Last Call
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty


purple-liver.jpg

The Purple Liver

Motto: “The liver is evil and must be punished.”

No amount of blinding pain and visible swelling will sway the recipients of this medal from wholeheartedly attacking that most haughty and insolent of internal organs. “Take that, you bastard, and here comes another!” he will shout at his sworn enemy as he tests its will with jolt after jolt of rotgut tequila.

[This is presented to Matty O'Blackfive from Blackfive- The Paratrooper of Love!. Anyone that drinks 6 beers at a time has just GOT to have a Purple Liver!]

Next Time: Abandoned Drink Rescue Commedation

I'll be taking nominations for this award in the comments!

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 7 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff
» Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love links with: Wednesday Warp

Above and Beyond...

Above and Beyond Last Call
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty


lastcall.jpg

Last Call Commendation

Motto: “Just one more and I’ll go, honest.”

Unflinchingly ignoring the dire threats and hoarse shouting of bartenders and bouncers alike, these elite drinkers will boldly demand just one more drink, just five more minutes. With their backs against the cold, black night and empty liquor cabinets, they will fight like tigers the dying of the light and the closing of the taps, until, finally they are tossed haplessly into the frightful maw of impending sobriety.

[This is presented to Jeff from BigStick.US Although he's not of legal age yet, I just know this is how he's gonna turn out]

Next Time: The Purple Liver
and I'll be taking nominations in the comments!

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 6 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Above and Beyond...

Above and Beyond Last Call
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty

brain.jpg

Bruised Brain Award

Motto: “I shall never drink again. Never.”

Prized by functional alcoholics, this commendation is awarded to those who rise at ungodly hours with horrific headwounds and gallantly sally forth to hateful jobs to stoically suffer the slings and arrows of suspicious bosses and clanging telephones. Dauntless, they tremor their way through the workday and rally at the bar to extract a cruel revenge on the evil dog that bit them.

[This is presented to Eric the Straight White Guy for beating me up all last week on his new design!]

Next Time: Last Call Commendation

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 5 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Funny Stuff

Above and Beyond...

Above and Beyond Last Call
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty

tavern.jpg

Tavern Defense Campain Medal

Motto: “That’s my stool.”

The first line of defense against winos, tourists, weekend-warriors and slumming yuppies, the recipients of this medal man the barstools that are the trenches of every pub. With snide remarks, inside jokes and sidelong glares, these hardened veterans tenaciously defend the bar’s television from subversive programming and prevent thirsty strangers from overwhelming the bartender.

[Shit, it would have taken an Army of these fuckers to keep me from being overwhelmed... I was the fastest bartender that ever lived!]

Next Time: Bruised Brain Award

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 3 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

Above and Beyond...

Above and Beyond Last Call
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty

goggles2.JPG

Beer Goggles of Gallantry

Motto: “No way that’s the same chick!”

In the face of facial warts, extreme obesity, general hideousness and severe damage to their reputations, the recipients of this award bravely advance into public makeout sessions and dark bedrooms to grapple with creatures the sober wouldn’t shake hands with, never mind share bodily fluids.

[That's what Harvey says after spending the night with Fatty Sue!]

Next Time: Tavern Defense Campain Medal

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 2 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

Above And Beyond...

Above and Beyond Last Call
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty

blackout.jpg

Blackout Brigade Medal of Merit

Motto: “I won’t remember you.”

Long after lesser drunks have staggered off to bed, these valorous boozers shout: “Yes, I will have another double shot of tequila!” and gallantly lurch into the inky blackness of oblivion. Fully aware that memories and public respectability are for the timid, they will barely cringe under the whipcrack of the cruel, latter-day revelations of erstwhile friends, missing credit cards and the hateful glares of apparent strangers.

[Sounds just like Matty O'Blackfive after a long night at Madfish Willie's!]

Next Time: Beer Goggles of Gallantry

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on January 1 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff
» BLATHER REVIEW links with: I'm not here

Above and beyond...

Above and Beyond Last Call
Awards for boozing beyond the call of duty

86.jpg

Royal Order of the 86

Motto: “I promise to be good this time.”
Awarded for aggressively assaulting the patience of the most tolerant of bartenders; for never being so sober he can’t get into a scuffle with a blind Buddhist; for testing the headlock proficiency of bouncers the world over. And when the battles are over, these audacious souls still find the courage to walk into bars where their name is the basest of curses and say, “Oh, c’mon! That goddamn Buddhist was eye-fucking me all night!”

[Sounds like something Lord Spatula would say!]

Next Time: Blackout Brigade Medal of Merit

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on December 31 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

Merpy Chriskwanzukkah

The Bartender at Madfish Willie's would like to wish all my readers a Merpy Chriskwanzukkah!

May the season find you and your loved ones healthy, wealthy, and wise!

Here's my gift for Frnak Pervey Harvey this Christmas because he's been such a jack-ass all year:


badsanta.jpg

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on December 24 :: Permalink :: Comments (6) :: Funny Stuff
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: What the Barkeep said...
» She Who Will Be Obeyed! links with: Merpy Chriskwanzukkah

Rules for YellowDog

Dog Rules for my buddy, YellowDog!

NEWSPAPERS:
If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
[or go poop in Harvey's yard... that would be the best thing to do]

VISITORS:
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
[if Harvey comes over, you can lick your balls first]

BARKING:
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark ...
[it's OK to wake Harvey up every night after pooping in his front yard]

LICKING:
Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
[if it's Harvey, you can lick your butt first]

HOLES:
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
[learn to dig a hole, poop in it, and then cover it up... or go poop in Harvey's front yard]

DOORS:
The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
[you can sleep there only after pooping in Harvey's front yard]

THE ART OF SNIFFING:
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
[no sniffing of the new girlfriend's crotch - that's my job!]

DINING ETIQUETTE:
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
[stay away from Harvey's rotten crotch or you'll be sorry]

HOUSEBREAKING:
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
[make sure to pee on the corner of Harvey's recliner first thing every day]

GOING FOR WALKS:
Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your human, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
[the only acceptable place to poop is on Harvey's front lawn]

COUCHES:
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
[or you can go poop in Harvey's front yard]

PLAYING:
If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
[if you are in Harvey's front yard, watch out for the poop]

CHASING CATS:
When chasing cats, make sure you never --- quite --- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
[chasing is not near as fun as pooping in Harvey's front yard]

CHEWING:
Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe
[or you could poop in Harvey's shoes and call it doggie art]

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on December 22 :: Permalink :: Comments (3) :: Funny Stuff

Healthy Drinking Tips

drink-fitness.jpg

Updated: 12.10 1:15am

Shaping Up Your Inner Child
Your girlfriend says it, your parents say it, and everyone at the court-mandated A.A. meetings say it: “You need therapy to discover the deep-seated motivations that make you drink so much.”

If they don’t buy your answer of “My competitive spirit,” then you may feel compelled to seek out and interrogate your inner child. And I’m going to help you.

Why? Because you cannot have a sound body unless you possess a sound mind. They go together like Jack and Coke, like blackouts and bruises.

In the spirit of that fine understanding, I will generously share a secret Swedish regression technique that will enable you to find your inner child and discover what makes you the drunk that you are.

Secrets of the Backa Genom Sprit
It is common knowledge among the village wisemen who live in the shadow of Kebnekaise, Sweden’s tallest mountain, that it is quite easy to delve inside your psyche using a powerful tool called Backa Genom Sprit. Which roughly translates into Regression Through Drinking.

While this sounds too easy and delightful too be true, I can readily assure you it is a highly effective technique. Ever since I became a practicing Spritist, I’ve had a much better relationship with my family.

What follows is a basic guideline to becoming a Spritist based on someone of average age, weight, and drinking ability. Modify your levels accordingly. It is best to do this alone or with a group of strangers you will never see again.

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on December 10 :: Permalink :: Comments (11) :: Funny Stuff
» Primal Purge links with: The Cyberhikers Guide To Linking
» Note-It Posts links with: Now THAT'S linky-love
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: Tooling around my blogroll...
» Practical Penumbra links with: Attempted pongage

Google Bombs R US

OK. I usually stay away from politics in the bar, but goddammit they shouldn't had done it.

Seems like there is a concerted blogger effort on someone's part to have President George W Bush associated with the term: miserable failure on google searches. Well fuck that!

Tim at An Englishman's Castle [via Susie, via Blackfive] has had enough too. He started a Google Bomb of his own and I'm more than happy to assist him in his quest for equality of Googling.

So, here goes the big one: Miserable Failure

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on December 5 :: Permalink :: Comments (6) :: Funny Stuff

Evil Glenn Part Time Job

From the Alliance HQ answering machine as Evil Glenn was on hold waiting to talk to Harvey:

I don't know about you, but my neighborhood is overrun with squirrels. However, unlike most people who feel that these pests are nothing more than a major nuisance, I say if it wasn't for those furry little friends I never would have been able to learn the art of taxidermy, prepare gourmet rodent delicacies or design fur-lined vests with matching bushy-tailed hats...

Gaddamn, that Evil Glenn is truly one evil son-of-a-bitch. Now he fucking the squirrels! Is nothing safe in this world from the vileness of Evil Glenn? Apparantly not...

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on December 4 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Evil Glenn Part Time Job

From Alliance HQ:

Sure, Evil Glenn's got all kinds of cash rolling in from his law practice, his poetry anthology, and his celebrity endorsements, but that new girl of his is SERIOUSLY high maintenance (not to mention high mass). So it looks like Glenn's got to find yet another method of bringing in the green. We need to find out what it is. Your assignment this week is to answer the question:

What is Evil Glenn's part-time job?


Evil Glenn is a Statue Molester, and I have the photographic proof. I don't know how much he gets paid, but he sure looks like he gets off on it!

Actually, that looks a lot like Frnak!. Maybe they have some sort of weirdo man-love statue molesting thing going on that we don't know about? Kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it.

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on December 2 :: Permalink :: Comments (4) :: Funny Stuff
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: While I'm grieving...
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: While I'm grieving...
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: While I'm grieving...

Evil Glenn Restaurant Menu

Mad Dog Bad Money Harvey dropped by over at Evil Glenn's crappy little joint called Blender's the other day. Evil Glenn just added on a little "gourmet" restaurant, so Harvey swiped a menu. I sure hope he didn't order anything off of it, although with Harvey, ya never know!

Here are 21 Personal Favorite Foods items on Evil Glenn's restaurant menu:

  • Sautéed Guadalupe Fur Seal grilled to perfection in a Musk-Ox Oil

  • Boneless Marinated Numbfish simmered in an Endospore Swill

  • Stir-Fried Screech Owl

  • Steamed Mud Eel Wedges wrapped in Untanned Rawhide

  • Caramelized Neck of Whooping Crane

  • Barbecued Pygmy Hippo Riblets

  • Breaded Filet-o-Bottle-Nosed Dolphin seasoned in a Salt Marsh Brine Broth

  • Batter-Dipped Segmented Earthworms

  • Char-Grilled Pandaburger with a side order of Cartilage Chips and Pond Scum Slaw

  • Crispy Bollweevil Skins served with a liquefied Elm Bark Beetle Dipping Sauce

  • Smoked Tenderloin Mule Shank in a tangy Cactus Gravy

  • Boiled Camel Hump... a la mode

  • Stewed Dorsal Fin garnished with Shedded Scales

  • Minced Otter Pelt over a bed of mashed, fleshy Tuberous Root

  • Glazed Walrus Blubber Loaf

  • Kentucky Fried Pigeon

  • Creamed Gastropod Surprise

  • Poached Bald Eaglet Yoke-Sac sprinkled with Ragwort and topped with a zesty Duckweed Dressing

  • Extra-Chewy Tadpole Taffy

  • Prairie Dog-kabob

  • Fermented Chum Shake

That fucking Evil Glenn! He will kill and eat anything - endangered species, exotic species, it doesn't matter. And the nastier the better... I mean... segmented earthworms?

Tomorrow, I'll tell you about Evil Glenn's newest part-time job!

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on December 1 :: Permalink :: Comments (6) :: Funny Stuff
» XSet links with: Time for a round up I think
» XSet links with: Time for a round up I think
» Signal + Noise links with: Insect Menagerie (Carnival 64)
» Signal + Noise links with: Insect Menagerie (Carnival 64)
» Signal + Noise links with: Insect Menagerie (Carnival 64)
» Signal + Noise links with: Insect Menagerie (Carnival 64)
» Signal + Noise links with: Insect Menagerie (Carnival 64)
» Signal + Noise links with: Insect Menagerie (Carnival 64)
» Signal + Noise links with: Insect Menagerie (Carnival 64)
» Signal + Noise links with: Insect Menagerie (Carnival 64)
» Signal + Noise links with: Insect Menagerie (Carnival 64)
» Signal + Noise links with: Insect Menagerie (Carnival 64)
» Signal + Noise links with: Insect Menagerie (Carnival 64)
» Signal + Noise links with: Insect Menagerie (Carnival 64)
» Signal + Noise links with: Insect Menagerie (Carnival 64)
» Signal + Noise links with: Insect Menagerie (Carnival 64)

Madfish Willie's Thanksgiving Weather Report

Madfish Willie's Weather Forecast For Turkey Day:

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 27 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff
» Wizbang links with: Bonfire of the Vanities - Week 22
» Wizbang links with: Bonfire Of The Vanities - Week 26

Precision Guided Humor

OK. That does it! Now I gotta kick Harvey's ass and straighten him out a little. He's been hanging around with the pussies at the other end of the bar too fucking long. The gaddamn Corner of the Bar Babes are tougher than he is!

Below you see how Harvey is gonna deal with war-protesters and anti-America assholes. Sit back and watch me fisk the hell out of Harvey and teach him how to deal with a bunch of fucking idiots.

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 27 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

Happy Turkey Day!

On behalf of GoatHead, Kang A Roo, & Madfish Willie, The Bartender would like to wish everyone a safe and happy Thanksgiving Holiday. May the holidays find you and your family healthy and prosperous!


HAPPY

THANKSGIVING!

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 26 :: Permalink :: Comments (3) :: Funny Stuff

Thanksgiving Humor

A few short jokes for your Turkey Day extravaganza!

  • A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. ~WC Fields~
  • Did you hear about the X-rated turkey? It's served with very little dressing.
  • Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
  • Imagine... if the Pilgrims had shot a wild cat instead of a Turkey, what would we be eating for Thanksgiving? [pussy?]

  • Q: What's the difference between Thanksgiving dinner and pussy?
    A: You can eat your mom's thanksgiving dinner.
  • Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
    A: I'll tell you at Christmas.
  • Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
    A: It was the chicken's day off.
  • Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
    A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
  • Q: What key has legs and can't open doors?
    A: Tur-key.
  • Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
    A: Hubble, hubble, hubble.
  • Q: Why do turkeys always go "gobble, gobble"?
    A: Because they never learned good table manners!

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 26 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Funny Stuff

Thanksgiving Week

Things To Do Thanksgiving Day If You Want To Be Excused Early:

  • Remind your 12 year old brother/sister that you left those condoms they asked for in the closet upstairs.

  • Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed to take off your clothes at the dinner table.

  • Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.

  • Shoot olive pits at Grampa's glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!)

  • Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.

  • When it's your turn to state what you are thankful for, say "latex sheets and crisco".

  • Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.

  • Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.

  • Sit at the "children's table" and lecture them on just why we need to increase the teenage pregnancy population.

  • Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.

  • As the family is being seated, shout, "Oh my Gawd, I forgot to show you all my genitalia piercing I got on Halloween!!"

  • Hold your nose while you eat.

  • Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

  • Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing".

  • Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that you've got a new fear of choking.

  • When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.

  • During dinner, ask your brother if his mistress solved that little "dead rabbit" problem.

  • Turn to Dad and tell him to advise your brother, having experienced that himself.

  • Promise that the winner of the "wishbone tug" gets to sleep with your date. (sex/age unimportant)

  • Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, "THE SAFETY IS ON", while you hold your pocket.
Good Luck!

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 25 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Funny Stuff
» Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love links with: Tuesday Links
» Tiger: Raggin' & Rantin' links with: Why don't they ever serve Pizza?

Thanksgiving Week

In honor of the Thanksgiving Holidays this week, I'll be rotating different Thanksgiving themed backgrounds each day. How do you like this one? Looks pretty good with the rest of the page, huh? I lamost hate to rotate it out. What do you think... leave it up or rotate it?

Here are some Thanksgiving Cocktails & Liquor:

For my friends Eric, Blackfive, Graumagus and other connoisseurs of fine scotch whiskies: Glenmorangie Single Highland Malt Scotch Whisky

Rick Gobbler
1/2 oz. Wild Turkey
3/4 oz. each of Chambord, Amaretto, and Cranberry juice
Shake well with ice.
Strain into a chilled glass for a shooter, or pour over ice in a highball glass.
Garnish with a lime wedge.

Tooty Fruity Turkey
Equal parts of ;
Wild Turkey
Peach Schnapps
Orange juice
Place all in a shaker with ice.
Strain into a chilled cocktail glass or
Pour over rocks in a highball glass.

Wild Turkey 101: Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

Wild Turkey Rare Breed: Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

Tomorrow: Thanksgiving Humor:

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 25 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Funny Stuff

Thanksgiving Week

In honor of the Thanksgiving Holidays this week, I'll be rotating different Thanksgiving themed backgrounds each day. And I'll be linking Thanksgiving related posts as I run across them this week. Here are some from my collection to date:

Thanksgiving Poem:
Thanksgiving Thoughts by SilverBlue.

What To Expect:
SilverBlue tells us what he is expecting this year.

What To Do:
Thanksgiving - The Plan

Food for Thought:
Munuviana Caramel Apple Cheesecake from Jennifer.

Pumpkin Soup from Dizzy Girl.

Chocolate Chunk Cookies from SilverBlue.

Hot Virginia Dip from SilverBlue.

Snickerdoodles from Rocket Jones.

Simple Chicken Stew from Rocket Jones. [substitute turkey?]

Baked Potato Soup from Rocket Jones.

Here are some links to turkey cooking:
Turkey Cooking 101.
Turkey Basics: Safe Cooking
Thanksgiving Recipes for Dummies

Tomorrow: Thanksgiving Cocktails:

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 24 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Funny Stuff

Funny Friday

Madfish Willie told me to end the week off on a good note, so here's a bar joke followed by the funniest shit I could dig up around the blogosphere.

C-ing I Dog

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn't allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.

"Just watch me and follow my lead," he said.

He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, "I'm sorry but I can't let you in here."

The guy looked at the bartender and asked, "Why not?"

The bartender replied, "Well, we don't allow dogs into the bar."

"But this is my seeing eye dog," the guy said.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever."

The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can't let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.

"But this is my seeing eye dog," said the second guy.

The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, "Sir, ah… um… a Chihuahua?"

The man looked a little puzzled and then said, "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"

Now from around the blogosphere:

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 21 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Funny Stuff
» Ramblings of SilverBlue links with: Friday's Link-Luv™

Cyborg Bloggers III

C.Y.B.O.R.G. Generator: Enter your name and the Cyborger will tell you your Cyborg name and your dark purpose.

Cyborg name generator came up with these descriptive names and purposes for the members of Munuviana:

J.I.M.: Journeying Intelligent Machine
D.O.N.: Device Optimized for Nullification
T.I.M.: Troubleshooting and Infiltration Machine
T.E.D.: Troubleshooting and Exploration Device
T.O.M.: Troubleshooting and Observation Machine
S.U.S.I.E.: Synthetic Unit Skilled in Infiltration and Exploration
S.I.M.O.N.: Synthetic Intelligent Machine Optimized for Nullification
D.A.N.I.E.L.: Digital Artificial Nocturnal Infiltration and Exploration Lifeform
H.E.L.E.N.: Humanoid Engineered for Logical Exploration and Nullification
L.E.A.N.N.: Lifeform Engineered for Assassination and Nocturnal Nullification
V.I.C.T.O.R.: Vigilant Intelligent Construct Trained for Observation and Repair
C.H.E.R.R.Y.: Cybernetic Humanoid Engineered for Repair and Rational Yardwork
M.O.O.K.I.E.: Mechanical Organism Optimized for Killing and Intensive Exploration
S.T.E.V.I.E.: Synthetic Technician Engineered for Violence and Intensive Exploration
H.E.A.T.H.E.R.: Hydraulic Electronic Android Trained for Hazardous Exploration and Repair
M.R.G.R.E.E.N.: Mechanical Robotic Guardian Responsible for Exploration and Efficient Nullification
J.E.N.N.I.F.E.R.: Journeying Electronic Neohuman Normally for Intensive Fighting and Efficient Repair
K.A.N.G.A.R.O.O.: Kinetic Artificial Neohuman Generated for Accurate Repair and Online Observation
R.O.X.E.T.T.E.: Robotic Obedient Xenomorph Engineered for Troubleshooting and Terran Exploration
T.U.N.I.N.G.S.P.O.R.K.: Technician Used for Nocturnal Infiltration and Nullification/General Synthetic Person Optimized for Repair and Killing
P.I.X.Y.M.I.S.A.: Positronic Intelligent Xenomorph Yearning for Mandatory Infiltration and Scientific Assassination

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 19 :: Permalink :: Comments (5) :: Funny Stuff
» DFMoore: Pizzazz, Panache, and a Phoenix links with: Notes

New Blog Showcase

My votes for the New Blog Showcase this week are:

O.P.M.
and
Europe Hates America.

Below is a list of Alliance members that voted in last weeks showcase:

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 19 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Precision Guided Humor

This week's Precision Guided Humor Assignment at The Alliance is:

What were Uday and/or Qusay's last words?

D'oh!

I know, I know, that's really weak, but... I... I... Fuck it... I was just trying to get an entry in before the deadline and Susie and Harvey already took all the good ones, plus I love The Simpsons!

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 19 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Evil Glenn Product Endorsements

The Alliance's newest assignment is to make up discover what products that Evil Glenn pimps as a Celebrity Endorser. Well, as I was flipping throught the Sunday paper, the one with three trees worth of crappy advertisements, I found out the Evil Glenn actually is a very prolific endorser. Here is a small sample of what I found:

Oester Blenders: The appliance of the Puppy Blender. (Evil Glenn not included)
Timex Watches: Takes a blending and but it keeps on ticking.
Coffee: Good to the last robot dance.
Blockbuster Video: This is not your father's penguin porn.
Toys R US 1: Evil Glenn tested, Mother approved.
Toys R US 2: The good penguin porn kids go for.
Stoeffers Chocolates: Chocolate blended puppies, since 1911.
Habitat for Humanity: Every hobo murdered helps.
Breakfast Cereal: Crunch all you want, we'll make puppy smoothies.
Mustard: Pardon me, do you have any grey puppy smoothies?
Foreign Products: Vorspung Durch Evil Glenn!
Foster's: Evil Glenn - Australian for Beer
First Baptist Church: It's good to talk to satan worshippers.

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 15 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Episode 0006831492

Next Up on Random Munuviana...

Airing Saturday on Peyote TV at Nap Time:
Random Munuviana Episode 0006831492.

Drop that poor little monkey Frank J. Time for another action packed galactic thriller. Today the tube be smokin'. Up next, Don embraces existentialist philosophy when Helen makes bizarre assertions regarding dangerous telepathic plants.

Stick around for extreme carnage when Cherry's subspace communications facility is attacked by network executives in a living alien machine. Pixy Misa torpedoes the uncooperative interlopering comment spammers into submission after agreeing to a ceasefire, saving Susie from permanent damage.

Later on, Jen goes to the med lab to avoid the extreme heat from her interview with The Bartender. Tom feels extremely manly when Tuning Spork insults Dead Meat Victor at a deafening party. Meanwhile, our bonnie Heather escapes from restrictive delusions, creating much danger for Rocket Jones.

Finally, after Tim's overtly intellectual ads for nose reductions, industrial slavery and Kang's back room adoptions, meter maid Mookie and a bunch of high school girls stand around the hidden peephole and look at Jim's hairy back, everyone has a hearty laugh and they roll the credits next to a teaser for Survivor: Blogosphere Edition on Mars.

After the show, Daniel goes to Stevie's for some fine baked taters and a bottle of cheap wine. Everyone is getting ripped and LeAnn's World of Cheese is a great place.


Original content provided by Monkey Fingers.
The story and names have been
cragerized to make it funny.

Cheers!

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 14 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

The New UN Motto

The Alliance assignment to make up discover what the new United Nations motto should be is completed. Here are the members who completed this difficult assignment and thus are granted gratuitous linkage:

Roxette of Hoppings of Roxette Bunny

SilverBlue of Ramblings of SilverBlue

The Bartender of Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon

Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks

Damon of The Dimmick Institute

Phil of Flying Chair

Susie of Practical Penumbra

Don of Anger Management

Physics Geek of physicsgeek

Tom of Tom's Nap Room

Darren of Colorado Conservative

Harvey of Bad Money

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 13 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff
» Simon World links with: Thanks

Gratuitous Linkage

[Via Harvey's post] For the third straight week, the League of Liberals has won sponsorship of the New Blog Showcase. The good news is that they were once again under 100% participation. The bad news is that the Alliance didn't take advantage of that fact, and actually saw its own participation ratio drop a bit.

I hate those friggin guys! They bite the big one... for sure... those cheating bastards!

Anyway, here is some gratuitous linkage for The Alliance members that voted this week!

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 11 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Newsflash: The Alliance

It looks like there is a lot of action over at The Alliance HQ this week.

Don has Survivor: The Blog Edition up and running.

I post a link to some Blog Tips from Living Room >> a space for life.

Trey Givens posts another Filthy Lie

Heather posts an observation about the LoL and reminds members to vote in The New Blog Showcase.

Blackfive reminds everyone to send their posts for The Hunting of the Snark, Bonfire of the Vanities and Carnival of the Vanities.

Harvey has gathered more Evil Glenn Quotes Lies - check the extended entry to read them all. My favorites from the new batch are:

Tom's Nap Room: Glenn Reynolds says: "I drink Michelob Ultra because I am a pussy who can't hold his liquor"

annika's journal: "The force is strong within that young Skywalker chick." - Darth Reynolds

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 10 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

Evil Glenn Personals Ad

In an effort to try to slow down Evil Glenn, The Alliance has decided to help him find a woman mate. We figure that taking care of his woman mate should take some of his evil time away from him and save the puppies from horrible death by blending. So, here is a personal ad that I worked up to help him find his dream woman mate.

Charming S P Metrosexual Blogger searching for S P M F Metrosexual. Ages 8 to 80; Blind, crippled or crazy; I don't care. Any race, color, or creed. I'm not picky. Most All teeth and most hair expecially legs and underarms preferred optional. Must be adept at operating all models of blenders kitchen appliances. Must know how to pre-treat to get those hard to remove hobo and puppy blood stains out of laundry. Must like to stay home and watch pengiun porn movies. Must like the smell of murdered hobos hippies. Must be a satan-worshipping god-fearing person. Must be a commie bitch far-left-wing looney liberal. Must have an extensive heh, indeed volcabulary and talent for writing blog taglines. Must be into punching Frank J physical activity and exercise. Must love sailing and poetry. Must love kangaroos humping all animals, including snakes. Must like to go to Madfish Willie's bars and do the robot disco dance. Above all, must like blending puppies stroking little kittens!

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 9 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

Ode To Evil Glenn

The Alliance assigment for poetry titled "An Ode To Glenn Reynolds" is completed.

This is the final listing of The Alliance members to complete this assignment and recieve gartutitous linkage! Go over to these people sites and read their odes to Evil Glenn! [There's some pretty good stuff here, really.]

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 9 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

UN Motto

The Alliance newest assignment is asking for our ideas of what the United Nations motto should be.

The United Nations:
France's answer to the UNilateral actions by the US

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 9 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Anagrams

I followed a link from As I See It.. to Babalu Blog to Wordsmith.Org. This is a site that will generate anagrams for any word or phrase you type in their data box.

I typed in blogosphere, and this is a partial result:

  • BEER HOG SLOP

  • BEER HOG LOPS

  • BEER HOGS POL

  • BEER HOGS LOP

  • BEER GOSH POL

  • BEER GOSH LOP

  • BEER LOG POSH

  • BEER LOG HOPS

  • BEER LOG SHOP

  • BEER LOGS HOP

  • BEER SLOG HOP

  • BEERS HOG POL

  • BEERS HOG LOP

  • BEERS LOG HOP
I knew there was a reason I needed to be hanging around the blogosphere!

Be warned!

The more characters that you input, the longer the anagram list will be!

Have Fun!

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 7 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Funny Stuff
» Munuviana links with: Susie Spouts Off

Frizzen Sparks

A big hearty Welcome to The Alliance's newest member: Frizzen Sparks.

Just came back from a visit to his site... nice design and layout... Evil Glenn Filthy Lie... good Glenn Reynolds quote... interesting posts... some ranting and raving... in short, my kind of blogger!

So go over and visit Graumagus and leave some comments on his stuff so he know's you went by to check it out!

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 6 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Episode 0006846668

Next Up on Random Munuviana...

Airing Friday on PalmNet at Sunup:
Random Munuviana Episode 0006846668.

Hold onto yer seat. Get ready for Random Munuviana. With yet another formulaic cheeseball space based thriller. Rocket Jones, will soil his shorts from happiness. Doctor Jennifer fears flying when Susie's changeling spy bids on LeAnn's valuable antique trinket.

Later on, Comm Officer Simon goes to the science lab to satisfy a sexy robot. Don feels giddy when Borg Queen Helen date rapes Jim at a comedic interlude. Meanwhile, Borg defectors escape from the Continuum, causing painful hives and extreme agitation for Mookie Riffic and Pixy Misa.

The screen drips blood when a cluster of space-based energy systems is attacked by giant insects in a heavily armored Battle Star. Captain Cherry Rambling weasels the arrogant attackers into withdrawl while drinking vodka and playing Russian Roulette with The Michagander and loaded phasers, saving a bullet riddled escape pod from being auctioned out to Stevie as scrap metal.

Finally, after a string of painfully obnoxious ads for Brylcreem, Tom's ass waxing and Kinko the Clown, the ship's jock, Tiger, stand around the voyeur-cam and look at the Heather's trashy fishnet stockings, everyone has a hearty laugh and they roll the credits next to a teaser for Publious & Co.

After the show, the resident groupies go to The Blather Review for some laughs and a little shade. Everyone is blissfully dreaming and the Pepperoni Pizzazz's bum-covered sidewalk is a great place.


Content provided by Monkey Fingers.
The names have been cragerized
to try to make it funny.

Cheers!

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 6 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

An Ode To Glenn Reynolds

The Alliance wants to gather some Evil Glenn Poetry.

Well, there's no way I could produce anything like what Susie did in an Ode to Glenn Reynolds. Instead, I chose to cheat and Google for my entry. I came across this little gem that gives one possible explanation for puppy blending and not kitty blending!

Puppy Haiku
    The cat is not all

    Bad. She fills the litter box

    With Tootsie Rolls.


Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 5 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

Gratuitous Linkage

These are The Alliance members that voted in The New Blog Showcase last week. Harvey is trying to encourage aal alliance members to vote so we can regain the sponsorship for the hated League of Liberals. So I am going with Harvey's lead in case we don't have a total duplication of readers.

If you see a link to a site you haven't read before, go on over and take a look. If, it's not your bottle of beer, don't go back.

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on November 4 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Funny Stuff

Happy Halloween!




HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Venoumous Kate Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on October 31 :: Permalink :: Comments (7) :: Funny Stuff

Evil Glenn's Halloween Costume

The Alliance wants to know what Evil Glenn's Halloween plans are. Well, I'll tell you that later... right now I have found out what his puppy killing disguise halloween costume will be. So be on the look-out for this: Evil Glenn Costume

[ Drink Alert in effect ]

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on October 31 :: Permalink :: Comments (4) :: Funny Stuff
» BigStick.us links with: OMG PERMALINKS
» BigStick.us links with: OMG PERMALINKS

Episode 0006824377

Next Up on Random Munuviana...

Airing Wednesday on Kosher Zombie TV at full moon:
Random Munuviana Episode 0006824377.

Touch prefrontal lobes for another half hard space drama. Tonight's episode. Ted hallucinates when a floating fat man molests a box of amusing artifacts.

Later on, Doctor Jennifer goes to a highspeed shuttle to find the enemy base. Tiger feels empowered when Tim disfigures The Borg Queen at a rare photo opportunity. Meanwhile, Victor (Oh my g-d, they killed Dead Meat)'s lice-infested flying pigs escape from confining religious delusion, causing nightmares for Leann.

You'll love the bloodshed when Chuck's energy relay station is attacked by black Nazi Burger Queen in a living alien transit device. Pixy Misa blasts the hostile forces into withdrawl after dodging inside a dense metallic asteroid, saving Susie's badly designed transport vehicle from certain destruction.

Finally, after a generous slew of ads for Cherry's aging phone sluts, Don's monkey glands, and Jim's ant farms, some electricians and a couple of the Munuvian body doubles stand around the secret mirror and look at Jennifer's fetish vinyl, everyone has a hearty laugh and they roll the credits next to a teaser for the Donald Trump execution.

After the show, the model makers go to Helen's for corn dogs and a blow job. Everyone is growing extra sets of arms and Mookie Riffic's blue planet is a great place.


Content provided by Monkey Fingers.
The names have been cragerized
to try to make it funny.

Cheers!

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on October 31 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

Episode 0006821512

    Next Up on Random Munuviana...

    Airing Monday on Channel Gone at Bottle Time:
    Random Munuviana Episode 0006821512.

    Tune in for Random Munuviana. Yet another reason you should go buy a Writers Noose. Your hacker stupor clears as Jennifer learns to hate space when an insane scientist lies to try and get several dangerous telekinetic midgets from the M4 cluster.

    Later on, Mookie goes to neutral space to find some batteries. The Borg Queen feels weak at the knees when Helen sucks Don at a kinky sex encounter. Meanwhile, corrupt executives escape from dead end careers, causing crossed eyes and hair loss for Cherry.

    Feel the terror of a near collision when an inhabited mining complex is attacked by doped-up xenophobic mercenary warriors, led by Pixy Misa, in a pair of time skipping battleships. Tuning Spork blasts the ignorant invaders into withdrawal while reciting the Iliad and drinking Scotch, saving LeAnn from becoming Ensign Dead Meat.

    Finally, after several insultingly vapid ads for weight loss clinics, disposable diapers and Thorazine crisps, Simon and Jim stand around the hidden peephole and look at Space Babe Helen's naked curves, everyone has a hearty laugh and they roll the credits next to a teaser for Tom's Nap Room.

    After the show, the camera crew goes to The Practical Penumbra for a Dew and a little abuse. Everyone is fat an' fucked up and the eleventh Michigander dimensional universe is a great place.


Content provided by Monkey Fingers.
The names have been changed to convict the guilty.
    Cheers!


    Last Call »

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 30 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Funny Stuff

    Episode 0006815992


    Warning!!! Warning!!! Warning!!!
    Output may contain crude language, adult themes,
    sexual innuendo or necro-bestiality. Never can tell.
    May cause hair loss in test animals, dry mouth, vertigo, or night sweats.

    Next Up on Random Munuviana...

    Airing Tuesday on Psychic-Net at 'Bout Zero Hour:
    Random Munuviana Episode 0006815992.

    Get ready for another exciting episode. This time, our hero Tuning Spork gets the space clap when an intolerant nine hundred pound military dictator takes possesion of a jar of defective human brains.

    Later on, Mr Green goes to Tom's Nap Room to get the orbital parking validated. Pixy Misa feels discorporate when Jennifer eats Tim at a sentient nanophysics class. Meanwhile, photonic life forms escape from the vortex, causing nightmares for Jim.

    Action builds to a climax when a remote fuel depot is attacked by malfunctioning Borg warriors in a living alien machine. Don talks the destructive space pirates into withdrawl while threatening self destruction, saving a refugee barge from slow death.

    Finally, after a generous slew of ads for infanticide, ass waxing and fabric softener, some dorky technicians stand around the secret mirror and look at Susie's naked breasts, everyone has a hearty laugh and they roll the credits next to a teaser for the Bill Clinton Execution.

    After the show, the actors go to Munuviana for fine cookin' and a bit of fun. Everyone is morphing into giant insects and the future is a great place.


    Content provided by Monkey Fingers.
    The names have been changed to convict the guilty.

    Cheers!

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 29 :: Permalink :: Comments (6) :: Funny Stuff

    I have a horrible habit

    I have a horrible habit that I cannot seem to break. I cuss worse than a sailor. As a matter of fact, sailors run the other way when they hear me coming. Shit, crap, piss, bitch, prick, cock-sucker, muther-fucker, asshole, fuck, dick,...

    When I ran across this article, it was too good not to share with everyone, that is unless Jennifer hasn't already done it.

    The Historical Origin Of The Middle Finger

    by Rich Dunn

    Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

    This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

    Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

    It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

    Now you know!

    Fuck You! and Fuck You!


    Cheers!

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 29 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

    Evil Glenn Quotes

    Harvey at Bad Money has compiled all of the Evil Glenn Reynolds Quotes posted by Alliance members on their blogs as a requirement of membership. They are posted over at The Alliance HQ page.


    My favorite is, of course, mine.

    Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon - "If I were half the mixologist that The Bartender is, I wouldn't be blogging" -- Glenn Reynolds


    Next, I like these:

    Physicsgeek - "The Physics Geek is a nerdy fellow with absolutely no socially redeeming qualities. It's like I'm looking in a mirror." - Glenn Reynolds

    The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler - "The Emperor's unstoppable might is the reason that no puppy blender can feel secure." - Glenn Reynolds.

    There are many more to laugh at... Go on over and check it out!

    Cheers!

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 28 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Funny Stuff

    Lessons From Teddy

    The Alliance wants to know what life lessons I have learned from Ted Kennedy? Well, he taught me several things, some of which have come in very handy in dealing with life's everyday problems. He's given me lessons on everyday skills, lessons for personal safety and well-being, lessons that I should ignore and lessons that I never intend to forget.


      First, he taught me how to drive.

      Then, he taught me how to swim.

      Then, he taught me how to lie.

      Then, he taught me how to get away with stuff.

      Then, he taught me how to be fat pig.

      Then, he taught me that he knows what's better for me than I do myself.

      Last, but not least, he taught me to order doubles!


    Cheers

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 28 :: Permalink :: Comments (4) :: Funny Stuff

    Random Madfish TV


    Warning!!! Warning!!! Warning!!!
    Output may contain crude language, adult themes,
    sexual innuendo or necro-bestiality. Never can tell.
    May cause hair loss in test animals, dry mouth, vertigo, or night sweats.

    Next Up on Random Madfish...

    Airing Monday on PoNet at Closing Time:
    Random Madfish Episode 0006812860.

    Stop that snoring, hoser. It's time for painfully predictable space melodrama. Watch in horror as Grand Nagus Frank J talks smack when an expendable bit player, aka the guy in the red shirt, bids on some infected alien undies.

    Later on, Doc Russia goes to the ice planet to get some privacy. Romulas feels seriously hungover when Doctor Who flogs Dana at a lesbian sushifest. Meanwhile, some fatassed crack smoking politicians escape from lockdown, making a mess for Serenity.

    Stay around for jiggly camera work when Madfish Willie's is attacked by black Nazis in an organic battle craft. Harvey confuses the dangerous aggressors into withdrawl by threatening castration and endless torture for the attackers, saving a drifting space station from curvy space and air sickness.

    Finally, after a few gazillion ads for home lyposuction kits, disposable diapers and pepper spray, a bunch of dykes from engineering stand around the video console and look at a kinky bimbo's tattooed boobs, everyone has a hearty laugh and they roll the credits next to a teaser for Class of Nuke 'em High.

    After the show, the camera crew goes to the Mamamontezz' place for a nice apple pie and a little abuse. Everyone is brushing and flossing and the planet Houston is a great place.


    Content provided by Monkey Fingers.
    The names have been changed to convict the guilty.

    Cheers!

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 28 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

    Random Madfish TV


    Warning!!! Warning!!! Warning!!!
    Output may contain crude language, adult themes,
    sexual innuendo or necro-bestiality. Never can tell.
    May cause hair loss in test animals, dry mouth, vertigo, or night sweats.

    Next Up on Random Madfish...

    Airing Sunday on your Brain Implant TV at Midnight:
    Random Madfish pisode 0006811505.

    Stay tuned for Random Madfish. With yet another formulaic cheeseball space based thriller. Today's episode. Lord Spatula I joins a cult when an expendable bit player has crazy ideas about modified human body parts.

    Later on, Straight White Guy goes to the Continuum to beat the snot out of an old enemy. Linda K feels strangely invincible when The Borg Queen eats Serenity at a weird little vacation planet. Meanwhile, Jem'Hadar killers escape from Borg space, causing angst and loathing for Harvey and Rocket Jones.

    See guts and brains on the walls when a subspace communications facility is attacked by doped up gangsters in a living alien machine. Blackfive phasers the violent cretins into withdrawl through sheer luck and brinksmanship, saving a struggling NCC 1701 from bad hibbidy-jibbidy and vampires.

    Finally, after several aesthetically deafening ads for moldy oldie CD collections, disposable diapers and personal trainers, Harvey and Rocket Jones stand around the remote viewscreen and look at a FINE bimbo's sleeping quarters, everyone has a hearty laugh and they roll the credits next to a teaser for Insomniac Cannibal Theater.

    After the show, the crew goes to the Champagne Room for sizzlin' hog jowls and a little leather. Everyone is insured for millions and the boundless void is a great place.


    Content provided by Monkey Fingers.
    The names have been changed to convict the guilty.

    Cheers!

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 27 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Funny Stuff

    Madfish Willie's Halloween Party!

    Every year for Halloween, we decorate the joint real scary-like, put on some ghoulish costumes and try to scare the crap out of everybody that walks in the door. I'll be posting about Halloween ralated stuff all week - Jack-O-Lanterns, costumes, trick or treats, and all that kind of neat crap. Here is the first frightnening installment of hell week!

    Starting the week off, SilverBlue wants to know how you spend your Halloween.

    Psycho Dad at Psychtic Rants found some cool Jack-O-Lanterns that were involved somehow in an Evil Glenn Filthy Lie. Apparently, Evil Glenn was playing grab ass of some sort and this is the end result.

    Candy, a Corner of the Bar Babe, from Candy Universe has a really cool looking poll thingy in her sidebar. Go vote and check out Evil Glenn's Halloween pics!

    Simon of Simon's World explains the Australian traditions of Halloween.

    Still hunting for that fantastic costume idea so you can win the big prize? SilverBlue has some great costume ideas and links to some better ideas at CostumeIdeaZone. He then proceeeds to tell us why you won't win. What an asshole! He makes up by suppling us with this cartoon and this Wonder Woman photo.

    Physics Geek, Madfish Willie's Official Brewmeister, pours us a double strength post with 15 reasons Halloween is better than sex and 10 things that sound dirty but aren't.

    Captain Awesome at Boat Drinks has candy, costumes, horror movie marathions, special halloween episodes and everything else going on this year.

    Caleb at Caleb Walker has a link to HellStop.

    Then there's candy: Happy Hulk Halloween, Heather of Angleweave has a diet alternative, and Jennifer from Jennifer's History & Stuff has a yummy recipe for Caramel Apple Cheesecake!

    To decorate your site, you can download this really cool script of flying ghosts!!!

    That's it for this scary edition of Halloween posts. Tomorrow we'll get in to extreme pumpkin carving and tips from the pros!

    Cheers!

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 27 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

    We all know Murphy's Law

    We all know Murphy's Law as: "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong!" Well Murphy has some other laws, too!

    MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS

    1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

    2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

    3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

    4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    5. Back up my hard drive ? How do I put it in reverse ?

    6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

    7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

    8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

    9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

    10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

    11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

    12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."

    13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

    14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges ?

    15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

    16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

    17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular ?

    18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

    19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

    20. Just remember if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

    21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

    22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

    23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it ?

    24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.

    25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

    26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

    27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.

    28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

    29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

    30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

    31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

    32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

    33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

    34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

    35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

    36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    Actually, I think we should all get together and beat the crap out of Murphy for even bringing this shit up!


    Cheers!

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 25 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

    Precison Guided Humor

    I recently had the distinktion of being selected to be an awards presenter at the Internet Blogosphere Awards Presentation and Slobberfest. As repulsed as I was at being given this dubious honor, I showed up and did my duty - but not before downing a couple of my famous Ultimate Martinis!

    The award I presented was the Epimenides' Paradox Award. Last year's winner was Al Franken for Lying Liars and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them (or whatever that piece of crap book was named).

    This award celebrates the ananias, the falsifier, the fibber, the fibster, the perjurer, the prevaricator, the storyteller, and well... big fat fucking liars. This year's nominees were Michael Moore and... Shit, he was such a big, fat, lying turd, no one else had room to enter.

    So when I announced Michael Moore as the winner, I thought I would give him a little spoonful o' his own medicine and go off on my own rant:

    You were a crack baby, severely retarded, hardly a looker. You are a borderline cretin, a socially maladjusted parasite, an ill-mannered, undereducated piece of white trash maggot-infested butt-fucking bed-wetting asshat. You are a howling, drunken, fat slob dancing about. You are one huge, corrupt, incestuous orgy of mutual masturbatory orgies. You syphilitic sow. You should be driven into a building, then blown up and buried under 50 ft of dirt and covered with pig shit. You have an IQ slightly above that of room-temperature butter which makes trying to hold a decent argument like kicking a cripple. You despicable, depraved, amoral slug. Anybody can bitch and moan, but few really have the answers, so go ahead and shove that gerbil up your Hilter-kissing, butt-fucking, skinhead-licking, sheep-fucking, small-impaired, desperatly seeking real contact, grasping stupid ass! You syphlitic, neutered, weiner-doggy with worms. You have the creative abilities of a bucket of okra. You are neurally-deficient, morally challenged colon polyp. You are like some cheesy advertizement jingle you can't get out of your head. Ack! You are like watching old ladies at the casino, working the slot machines for the big score but instead of using up their quarters, they're using up their credibility. You are lots of burps and fart noises, signifying nothing. There's a special place in hell for ogres like you. You are like a spoiled teenager begging for attention. You are very boring, whiny and utterly unfunny. Strange that you have't blown your bitter little brains out by now, given your decidedly limited and amoral worldview.

    Ya wanna know the funny thing about the whole episode?

    I got a standing ovation!

    SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

    Cheers!

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 16 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

    Texas Talking

    >

    Here in Texas, everything IS bigger and better! We even have own own vocabulary called: Texas Talkin'

    Here's what the heck we mean in the Lone Star State...


    • The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart

    • As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person

    • Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy

    • Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action

    • We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced

    • He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink

    • She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker

    • It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice

    • Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving

    • This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block

    • He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y

    • They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin

    • Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told

    • As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart

    • You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing

    Cheers!

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 16 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

    I love Monte Python &

    I love Monte Python & The Holy Grail! [Check out the link on the sidebar]

    I had two assistant managers working for me one time that could quote entire scenes from the movie. After work, we would usually head over to my place and drink, smoke, watch a flick till we passed out. They were two funny sumbitches! Whatever happened to those guys? Tell 'em thay need to check in, dammit!

    When I saw this Quizilla quiz, I just had to take it.

    King

    You are King Arthur of the Britons!
    You like to hear yourself talk a lot, namely about
    some damn grail. Those closest to you are just
    there to serve you and bang your coconuts
    together. For some reason Mystical beings come
    to you and set you out on quests. If only more
    people understood you, perhaps you'd get that
    grail afterall.

    What Monty Python Holy Grail Quest Character are You?
    brought to you by Quizilla

    It's GOOD to be The King!

    Cheers!

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 15 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

    Evil Glenn's Tagline

    I'm back and I'm all better now. Now, where was I? That's right, Evil Glenn's tagline.

    I was closing the joint up one night last week, I think it was Thursday. I heard a loud bang outside and went to investigate. There I found, all by itself beside the front door, what looked like a small music box. I picked it up and hurried back inside. Safely inside, I locked the doors and gazed at the frail little wooden box. Turning it around, I located a button. I thought to myself, 'Self, this button surely must turn the music box on'. I pressed the button. It vibrated out of my hands and dropped to the floor, somehow not splintering into bits and pieces, and landed on it's base. That's when it happened!

    JOHN EMDALL, a dreadlocked woman in a silver uniform appeared to me in a weird column of light and said:

    JOHN EMDALL: Salutations, great Bartender. I am John Emdall, from Planet Ten. A common grave danger confronts both our worlds. After a bloody reign of terror the hated leader of our military caste, the self-proclaimed Evil Lord Glenn Reynolds, a bloodthirsty butcher as evil as your Hitler was overthrown by freedom-loving forces, tried, and condemned, along with several hundred of his followers, to spend eternity in the formless void of the 8th dimension. Death was deemed too good for them. Now, you, bloggers, have unintentionally helped Evil Glenn with your internet oscillation overthruster. For our intelligence warns us he intends to steal your overthruster. If he should attempt this, we will have no choice but to disrupt world-wide internet communications, and fire a particle beam weapon from your airspace to Smolensk, in the Union of the Soviet Socialist Republics.

    THE BARTENDER: (alarmed) That's an action the Kremlin would most certainly misinterpret as an American first strike! They're already a little trigger-happy as it is!

    JOHN EMDALL: Stop... Evil... Glenn... before sun... sets! If you fail, we will be forced to help you destroy yourselves.


    There you have it - straight from the Black Lectroid's mouth.

    Evil Glenn is an Evil Red Lectroid from Planet 10 and wants to take over the world's internet communications via the internet oscillation overthruster and thereby Rule The World!

    Oh yeah... His tagline reads:

    Must.Have.Internet.Oscillation.Overthruster

    Cheers!

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 15 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

    Fuck!

    >[This quiz just about says it all!]

    fuck

    your fuck.


    What swear word are you?
    brought to you by Quizilla

    ROFLMAO!!

    Cheers!

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 13 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

    THE ANTI-IDIOTARIAN IMPERIAL COCKTAIL PARTY

    I was finishing up some posts on Saturday night, so I decided to drop by The Loyal Citizen AIM Chatroom - Where the VRWC Conspires. The topics of conversations over are vast and varied. The topic somehow got turned to drinking, what people's favorite drinks, liquor, cocktails, etc. were. Someone brought up cocktails for Saudis! And away we went... Great hilarity and mass spewage ensued. By the end, everyone was ROFLTAO - couldn't type, couldn't spell, couldn't breath - laughing.too.hard.

    Here are some of the drinks we determined the Saudi would drink:


    • Turbin Twister

    • Mecca Surprize

    • Baghdad Buzzsaw

    • Bloody Imam

    • Mad Mullah

    • Medina Sunrise

    • Fuzzy Goat Butt: Mad Dog 20/20, poured into Helen Thomas' navel

    • Saudi Sunrise: Camel Piss /w Sand

    • Sex With A Goat: Mountain Dew /w Prune Juice

    • One Eyed Cleric (Mullah Omar): Needs Recipe

    Misha suggested we come up with a recipe for the One Eyed Cleric. So, how about this;

      1 oz Everclear
      1 oz Bacardi 151
      1 oz Wild Turkey 101
      Orange Juice
      Cranberry Juice

    If that doesn't make you walk around in a circle with one eye closed, a patch over your other eye and a towel on your head... nothing will!

    The Bartender says: drop on by the chat room for The Anti-Idiotarian Cocktail Party some time - lots of fine folks with strong opinions - and not afraid to let you know what they are! Good Times...Great fun!!

    Cheers!

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 12 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

    3 little words that will

    3 little words that will get guys slapped!

    By Margot Carmichael Lester

    If only there were a switch men could flip before they opened their mouths and said something completely off-putting. If only someone could invent an early warning system to reside in men's minds and alert them before they uttered something inane or offensive. Why aren't the big brains working on that?

    Now, I'm not saying that women are always articulate. I'm not saying we never take a verbal misstep that can send a fella running screaming from the room. But after years of study, it appears to me that men are more likely than women to run off at the mouth in the most unflattering ways.

    So until someone figures out how to keep gents from going off half-cocked, as it were, I offer these 10 dodgey lines as examples of what to avoid:

    1. "Come here often?" Please. This is so hackneyed that even if you actually want to know, it's going to send the wrong signal. All this line does is make you appear totally incapable of an original thought.

    2. "Are those real?" Curiosity killed the cat. It also just killed your chances with her, unless she's a total bimbo.

    "The rule of thumb should be, 'If you have to ask, the answer is probably no,'" counsels Becky, 33. "And you should never ask. Wait for your chance to find out first-hand."

    3. "What's your sign?" Hello? It's the 21st century. You're probably still wearing that nifty polyester disco suit or a turtleneck sweater and belted leather jacket. Unless you're at a theme party or a retro bar, this line screams, "Hi, I'm a walking clichÃ(c)."

    4. "My wife's away." Quick. Duck and cover.

    "This line â€" and the guy who says it â€" is an accident waiting to happen," quips Magda, 43.

    5. "Are you pregnant?" Nothing good will come from this â€" ever.

    6. "Who's your daddy?" Someone please retire this one.

    "Where do guys get the idea that women dig this line?" wonders Trina, 29. "Have you ever met a women who gets turned on by it? Of course not!"


    The Bartender says: I don't see what's wrong with #6... at the right time, in the right place. Hehehe!

    Cheers!

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 10 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

    3 Little Words

    >3 little words that will get guys slapped!

    By Margot Carmichael Lester

    If only there were a switch men could flip before they opened their mouths and said something completely off-putting. If only someone could invent an early warning system to reside in men's minds and alert them before they uttered something inane or offensive. Why aren't the big brains working on that?

    Now, I'm not saying that women are always articulate. I'm not saying we never take a verbal misstep that can send a fella running screaming from the room. But after years of study, it appears to me that men are more likely than women to run off at the mouth in the most unflattering ways.

    So until someone figures out how to keep gents from going off half-cocked, as it were, I offer these 10 dodgey lines as examples of what to avoid:

    1. "Come here often?" Please. This is so hackneyed that even if you actually want to know, it's going to send the wrong signal. All this line does is make you appear totally incapable of an original thought.

    2. "Are those real?" Curiosity killed the cat. It also just killed your chances with her, unless she's a total bimbo.

    "The rule of thumb should be, 'If you have to ask, the answer is probably no,'" counsels Becky, 33. "And you should never ask. Wait for your chance to find out first-hand."

    3. "What's your sign?" Hello? It's the 21st century. You're probably still wearing that nifty polyester disco suit or a turtleneck sweater and belted leather jacket. Unless you're at a theme party or a retro bar, this line screams, "Hi, I'm a walking cliché."

    4. "My wife's away." Quick. Duck and cover.

    "This line — and the guy who says it — is an accident waiting to happen," quips Magda, 43.

    5. "Are you pregnant?" Nothing good will come from this — ever.

    6. "Who's your daddy?" Someone please retire this one.

    "Where do guys get the idea that women dig this line?" wonders Trina, 29. "Have you ever met a women who gets turned on by it? Of course not!"


    The Bartender says: I don't see what's wrong with #6... at the right time, in the right place. Hehehe!

    Cheers!

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 10 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

    .FILTHY LIES: PUPPY JOKES BY

    .

    FILTHY LIES: PUPPY JOKES BY EVIL GLENN

    What do dogs have that no other animal has ?

    Why is it called a "litter" of puppies ?

    What looks like a dog, sounds like a dog, eats like a dog, but isn't a dog?

    What did Evil Glenn sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy ?

    What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow ?

    What would you call a nine day old dog in Russia?

    What should you know before you teach your puppy a new trick?

    Where do you usually find puppys?

    How is a puppy like a penny?

    How long are a puppy's legs?

    Evil Glenn answers these questions in the comments.

    Cheers!

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 9 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

    This is what I would

    This is what I would say if I had the floor at a Jacques Chirac press conference.

    [Drink Alert is in effect for the remainer of this post.]

    JACQUES CHIRAC IS A TROLL AND MUST DIE!

    Thou hast forsaken me! Mine hatred of thee is pure and all-consuming. Now thou shalt taste the wrath of a Viking unavenged!

    Hither and yon, thine creamy center will squish with greater glee than a pair of over-cooked rice balls! Lo, the overly-shiney Tricycle of Death comes to cart thy soul to the Monkey House! I shalt smite thine grandmother's stockings with more force than a polyp-bottomed Hungarian goat-herd on Tuesday! Behold, mine Fists of Justice greet thy face with a dozen roses and an unceremonious root canal! I will pelt thee with little packets of unpronounceable imported cheese! I shall flatten thee until thou can be used to store mine stock portfolio. I shall frappe thine entrails and paint thee tombstone with glitter! I shall force thee to wear thine dog's ass for a feedbag. Ye just wait til mine fuzzy rubber chicken gets through with thee! Odin calls upon Loyal Citizens to rise up and wield your mightiest weapons of destruction against this evil pretender!

    [By this time, I'm really pissed off. I really let him have it. I give him The Ultimate Insult]

    You were a crack baby, severely retarded, hardly a looker. You are a borderline cretin, a socially maladjusted parasite, an ill-mannered, undereducated piece of white trash maggot-infested butt-fucking bed-wetting asshat. You are a howling, drunken, fat slob dancing about. You are one huge, corrupt, incestuous orgy of mutual masturbatory orgies. You syphilitic sow. You should be driven into a building, then blown up and buried under 50 ft. Of dirt, covered with pig shit. You shit sucking prick. May you choke on the diseased dicks you slurp. You have an IQ slightly above that of room-temperature butter which makes trying to hold a decent argument like kicking a cripple. You Motherfucking cowardly cocksucking troll - I hope you fucking die, no, better yet, I hope you go to jail and get gang-fucked up the ass! You despicable, depraved, amoral slug. Your asshole must resemble a wind sock. Anybody can bitch and moan but few really have the answers so go ahead and shove that gerbil up your Hilter kissing buttfucking skinhead licking sheepfucking small impaired desperatly seeking real contact grasping stupid ass! You come and suck my big hairy nuts. You syphlitic neutered weiner-doggy with worms. You sperm-guzzling turd burglar. You have the creative abilities of a bucket of okra. Don't you have a razor blade that you can drag along your wrist and end your pathetic existence? And have the decency to do it in a bathtub so your mother doesn't have to mop up the floor. You are neurally-deficient, morally challenged colon polyp. You are like some cheesy advertizement jingle you can't get out of your head. Ack! You are like watching old ladies at the casino, working the slot machines for the big score but instead of using up their quarters, they're using up their credibility. You are lots of burps and fart noises, signifying nothing. There's a special place in hell for ogres like you. I hope you get hit by a fucking train. You are like a spoiled teenager begging for attention. You are very boring, whiny and utterly unfunny. Strange that you hasn't blown his bitter little brains out by now, given your decidedly limited and amoral worldview. You certainly are a dry and constipated little impacted turd. You'd be better accepted if you actually made some points other than the usual asshat propaganda. To make you feel better, maybe we can dub thee Sir Shit for Brains or the Earl of Asshats. You are the poster boy for corporal punishment, not to mention retro-active abortionjust a random shit-sucker. You are a seething, sniveling, miserable, envious, pissy, bratty troll-cunt. You anonymous cowardly bastard. You are slightly more dangerous than a canary on crack. The only danger you pose now is sucking all the oxygen out of the universe every time you open your mouth. You dumb-fuck son-of-a-bitch. You felching little fucknozzle. Go climb back under your rock, assmunch. You're not only stupid, you're annoying - like some cheesy advertizement jingle you can't get out of your head. You should be tied up in a burlap sack and thrown off a cliff. You malodorous canker, you suppurating pustule on the atrophied anus of a crackskank, you slimy, malign, mucousoid vector of some unspeakable veneral disease! You pasty-faced little maggot. You are yet another clump of feces thrown against the wall. You totalitarian lickspittle. You pickled camel nards. You impress me less than the contents of my 'kerchief after i've blown my nose. You are a drowning man, with a failed ideology, clutching at strawmen. You fucking partisan piece of shit. Until you have proof, shut your fucking commie ass up! Keep spouting the distortions and spin as truth and you might earn an official Karl Rove proof tinfoil hat autographed by the great Noam Chomsky for your efforts. You are a guise of pompous, sanctimonious arrogance. You are obtuse and throw a tantrum when you have been exposed. You are a base, vile, useless sack of protoplasm. You are beneath contempt. Your hideous nature seeps from your pores. You are black hole stupidity - the kind of stupidity that sucks any intelligence out of the region in which it exists. You're a twit, a turd and an utterly insignificant little insect. Come out from behind your mommy's skirt and i'll be happy to show you how wrong Ghandi was, you cowardly prick. You nadless, Idiotarian, functionally illiterate poster boy for retroactive abortion. Please stop leaving ass-lube puddles all over the place. Oh, and please use disposable enemas, you know Grandma hates it when you use hers. And stop stealing her panties, for crying out loud! You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. You grotty wanking oik. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup patting naff. You gob kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill. You don't have the moral credibility to be lecturing us, pissweasel. I'm not a fascist, punk-ass, but the closing of your methane-spewing mouth can be arranged. I think your pimp called, he wants you to keep working on your Tennis Ball Trick and to go pick up your new styrofoam boobs. Sod off you yeast infected arse wart. Fuckin ponce. You are a kind of crawly vermin that hide in curly butt hairs, fighting over the assraisins. You are the very essence of suckitude. Your name is engraved in the Eternal Buttboy for Kooks Hall of Fame. You are the sorriest, most piss-poor excuse for a poster that ever figured out the QWERTY layout. They are going to love you in prison. They already got dibs on who gets your pasty little arse first. Four words, babe, four words: PICK. UP. THAT. SOAP. Your moma's real ones are but gruesome, sagging, sock-like man-boobs, attached to a pasty, sunken chest. Great Laughing-Buddha-On-A-Popsicle-Stick that is you are one fucking ugly bitch. We are offering to make a skullcap from his scrotum! Are you still eating cardboard? Did it occur to you that your plan may be that you cause everyone but himself to fall out their chair in a drunken stupor, leaving him free to babble on with no coherent counter battery to worry about? You poor deluded truebeliever Tranzi reactionary, parroting leftwingidiologue deceit. You should stop being so insulting and mean, you stupid pigheaded foul-smelling jerk! You illiterate retarded math-imparied lice-ridden drug-addled liberal-arts-degree-toting goat-fucking shit-eating lackwitted fuckhead. Go sit in your round room and jack off in the corner. The swineherds have yet again forgotten to lock up the pens, thus letting out the swine and allowing it to roam freely and to enter your Palace. You are an old sow with two suckling piglets, trolling your unspeakable filth throughout this particular part of the Imperial Domain, leaving piles of droppings and horrifying stench. Since this is not the first time it has happened I request permission to place the swineherds under arrest and subject them to brutal interrogation and proper punishment. You deserve no place in this world. You are wasting our air. Please, please, please, call a gang member a name. Fall in the ocean. Have an unfortunate run-in with a manatee. Choke on an orange. Terminal sunburn. Just, whatever you do, please insure that your quite obviously defective genes do not accidentally get passed on to future generations. In short - you are a nitwit and a toad. Die already. Please?

    [I'm just getting warmed up - I'm frothing at the mouth mad. I gulp down two of my famous Ultimate Martinis, and continue this troll-bashing]

    You have the brain of a microcephalic lemur, transplanted into the rotting carcass of a common swine. You roll around in the puke of dogs, masturbating furiously. You emerge from your nest of flattened milk cartons each morning to toil until sundown emptying portable toilets. Like the shared bathroom of a dormitory, everyone urinates in this equal opportunity toilet. You are considered a cheap alternative to expensive crash test dummies. You are rewarded for years of faithful service with his very own bag of shiny things to play with, and a computer. Incoherent and sloppy, you waver in and out of consciousness while composing your responses. Skittish and awkward like a colt on coke, this autistic child prostitute hides behind the sympathy generated by the gastrointestinal disease that bears his name. You are characterized by the projectile expulsion of a curdlike, smelly discharge, forcing you to leave the keyboard every ten minutes for an enema. You are widely disliked, but never with any real intensity since you are so easily ignored. You are neither interesting nor noteworthy, an ongoing impression of tepid tapwater adopting whatever pose you feel would be most likely to appease your attackers so that you can meekly return to ignominy. You are irrational and weak-willed. This Flighty Balloo can write about little more than his unnatural obsession with oddly colored body fluids. A twenty year circus career as Willie the Shaved Monkey Boy made you especially vulnerable to narrative flame that references midgets, bananas and/or chloroform. You are a walking affront to the written word. Your sole saving grace is that You'll allow a 10% discount if you rent out his boyfriend to be passed around by the others when no other entertainment presents itself. In an attempt to make him seem more realistic, his puppeteer recently retrofitted him with some hints of personality. Still, judging by his range of expression you'd swear that the hand up his ass is Senor Wences. You are a tattooed truck driver with the manners and sophistication to go along with the look. You spend all of your time arguing that the past tense of 'blind' is 'blound.' You are as delicate and fragile as a snowflake, and about as tolerant of heat. After figuring out how to set up the presets in your car radio, you proclaimed yourself the best engineer in North Carolina and is probably correct. You are a small fish in a small pond. You have a momentary spasm of creativity once each month, about five days into your twelve-day period. Other than that, you are just bitching weakly about the hubbie and the dirty kitchen and the ten starving filthy children and the plugged up loo. You are easily filtered background noise. You are about as entertaining as a child's inflatable punching toy. You bop it, it springs back, you bop it again and you forget it ever existed. It slowly deflates in an unused corner, then one day you throw it away. Rumor has it you are almost incomprehensible in person (owing to your heavily accented and alchohol-slurred speech) and this combined with your being dirt poor and ugly makes you very uncomfortable with human interaction of any kind. You have therefore moved yourself far from the mainstream of human society, thereby earning its eternal gratitude.

    [This is fun! I need a drink of The Ultimate Bloody Mary before I continue.]

    It's Clobbering Time! I'm going to bruise you so utterly, you will drink poison and piss honey! I'm seriously going to contort you until your mom feels it in her womb! I'm going to clobber you into the stuff of nightmares! I'm going to flog you until the sun burns out! May your balls be conflagrated and defenstrated! I'm going to peel you apart like an overripe banana! Call me Pimp-Daddy, cause I'm gonna beat you like a bitch on payday. I'm going to strangle you with your own intestines. I'm going to touch myself, and by the Sock you're going to watch me! I'm going to sodomize you with an empty bottle of Jack lubed with Tabasco and Ben-Gay. I will flatten you until you can be used to store my stock portfolio. I will make animals out of your toenail clippings and train them to attack your chewy centers. I will rip you apart and funnel Trading Spaces designers directly into your nostrels. I'm gonna kick your ass and eat ALLLLL your grandma's Birthday cake. STABBY, STABBY, STABBY! MWAHAHAHA! I'm gonna castrate you with a dull, rusty, spoon! I'm going to punch you in such an inhumane manner, you will drink poison and piss honey! I will force you to wear your dog's ass for a feedbag. I shall frappe your entrails and paint your tombstone with glitter! RuPaul is a woman, tweak my nipples and remove my left eye if I'm wrong! Eat Yanni balls, you spineless bipedal orangutan turd!

    [Actually, this is starting to wear me out a little bit. Better have The Ultimate Margarita before I blast him some more.]

    I'm going to go Martha Stewart on your blasphemous ass! Have you ever been flayed by a spork? Prepare for your untimely demise, foolish mortal! I'll gauge out your eyes with a sodering iron and fuck your skull until you bleed to death. I'm gonna whip your ass til' your atoms split!. You just wait til my fuzzy rubber chicken gets through with you. If I weren't so hungry right now, you'd be SO beaten up! I'll train my gnomes to mash you up and turn you into honey! My hatred of you in pure and all-consuming. With God as my witness, I shan't be de-pants-ed again! I will strap you to a Canadian pony and rain on your parade! Under MY Constitution, your ass is GRASS! I'm going to strike a match on your crotch, and set you ablaze! Infidel! I unleash upon you seventeen rabid squirrels. May they eat you very, very slowly and with horrid table manners! Mua ha ha! You have insulted me. Please put down that table lamp and stand still so that I may pelt you with little packets of unpronounceable imported cheese! Shut your mouth, fucktard! Or I will lock you in a room I have specially prepared for you in my basement that is filled with goats that are extraordinarily gassy because I have fed them large buckets of pinto beans!

    [Running out of breath and invective, I finish him off]

    You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down the evolutionary chain at you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. And what meaning do you expect your delusional self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake? You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meat slapper. On a good day you are a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wall paper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go. You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofer sod. Bugger off pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit.You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup patting naff. You gob kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill. You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and wish you would go away. The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of what you wrote, because, well ... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective ... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us normal people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known that this was your case then I would never have read your mail. It just wouldn't have been right. Sort of like parking in a handicapped space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

    [Sound of violent blows being dealt, things being smashed, awful crunching noises, bones being broken, and other bodily harm being inflicted. All of this accompanied by screaming sounds like a woman.]

    Now, go away before I taunt you a second time!

    [I bow, slowly turn and walk off the stage to the sound of a thunderous ovation.]


    Sic Semper Tyrannus


    The Bartender says: I would like to tell you that I made all this up, however, I believe in giving credit where credit is due. A hearty Thank You to all the Loyal Citizens at The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler for their most excellent invective and troll bashing skills!

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 9 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

    Precison Guided Humorr

    This is what I would say if I had the floor at a Jacques Chirac press conference.

    [Drink Alert is in effect for the remainer of this post.]

    JACQUES CHIRAC IS A TROLL AND MUST DIE!

    Thou hast forsaken me! Mine hatred of thee is pure and all-consuming. Now thou shalt taste the wrath of a Viking unavenged!

    Hither and yon, thine creamy center will squish with greater glee than a pair of over-cooked rice balls! Lo, the overly-shiney Tricycle of Death comes to cart thy soul to the Monkey House! I shalt smite thine grandmother's stockings with more force than a polyp-bottomed Hungarian goat-herd on Tuesday! Behold, mine Fists of Justice greet thy face with a dozen roses and an unceremonious root canal! I will pelt thee with little packets of unpronounceable imported cheese! I shall flatten thee until thou can be used to store mine stock portfolio. I shall frappe thine entrails and paint thee tombstone with glitter! I shall force thee to wear thine dog's ass for a feedbag. Ye just wait til mine fuzzy rubber chicken gets through with thee! Odin calls upon Loyal Citizens to rise up and wield your mightiest weapons of destruction against this evil pretender!

    [By this time, I'm really pissed off. I really let him have it. I give him The Ultimate Insult]

    Last Call »

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 9 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

    What does Evil Glenn's tattoo

    What does Evil Glenn's tattoo look like and where is it? The Alliance wants to know. Harvey tells a sordid tale of drinking mass quantities of beer, robot dancing, and tattoos. It seems that Blackfive was out drinking with Evil Glenn and blacked out. How did he find out about Glenn's tattoo? I hope Matt's butt isn't sore!

    Cheers!

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 6 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff

    Moe's Martini Recipes

    >Harvey over at Bad Money gives my favorite cartoon bartender, Moe Syzslak, Martini recipes and names for the cast of The Simpsons. (Is there another cartoon bartender? Inquiring minds want to know.)

    My recommendations for Moe were:

    Willie-tini: substitute Jamesons Irish Whiskey, garnish w/ potato peel, rip shirt off and say "Now grease me up, woman."

    Patty/Selma-tini: double standard recipe in tall glass, served with pack of cigarettes

    BumbleBee Guy-tini: substitute Tequila, add dash of salt, lime juice, and lime wedge ... Hey that's a Margarita, D'oh

    My favorite Martini recipe was from Mike the Marine:

    Moe-tini: served on fire... at double the cost

    Scroll down the comments to see the rest. A couple of them look pretty tasty - might have to try them out at the First Annual Madfish Willie's Martini Party.

    Cheers!

    Bullshit so far »

    » by Madfish Willie on October 5 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Funny Stuff