Thanksgiving Humor

A few short jokes for your Turkey Day extravaganza!

• A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. ~WC Fields~
• Did you hear about the X-rated turkey? It's served with very little dressing.
• Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
• Imagine... if the Pilgrims had shot a wild cat instead of a Turkey, what would we be eating for Thanksgiving? [pussy?]


• Q: What's the difference between Thanksgiving dinner and pussy?
  A: You can eat your mom's thanksgiving dinner.
• Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
  A: I'll tell you at Christmas.
• Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
  A: It was the chicken's day off.
• Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
  A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
• Q: What key has legs and can't open doors?
  A: Tur-key.
• Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
  A: Hubble, hubble, hubble.
• Q: Why do turkeys always go "gobble, gobble"?
  A: Because they never learned good table manners!

A young boy, after hearing the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together, climbed up into his father's lap and said, "Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk?"

"That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard," replied his daddy as he ducked.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."

The representative from Butterball goes to see the Pope and asks him to change the Lord's Prayer from "Give us our daily bread" to "Give us our daily turkey". The Pope says that it is impossible, but the Butterball rep says that they are prepared to give the church a billion dollars to change it. The Pope says he must discuss it with the head Cardinals. The next day he calls them all together and announces he has good news and bad news. "The good news", he begins "is that the church is to come into a billion dollars. The bad news is that we are losing the Wonderbread account!"

Have you read President Clinton's Thanksgiving Day proclamation for 2000? It includes the warning that, under penalty of fine and/or imprisonment, it is illegal for Americans to eat turkey on Thanksgiving Day as of this year.

It seems that, according to a scholar doing research at the Library of Congress on Miles Standish (one of our Pilgrim Fathers), the Pilgrims did not serve turkey at the first Thanksgiving but served wildcats.

Therefore, starting with Thanksgiving 2000, all Americans must eat pussy for Thansgiving.

The day before Thanksgiving this little boy heard his mom and dad fighting. The husband said to his wife, "You stupid bitch, you have floppy tits." She wasn't about to be outdone and said, "Well you have a crooked dick, you bastard." Well, the little boy heard every word they said. After they got done fighting, he went up to the mom and asked her what bitches and bastards were. She told him that they were people. Then he asked what crooked dicks and floppy tits were. She told him that they were coats and hats. The little boy accepted both answers and went on his way.

The next day, they were getting ready for a huge feast with friends and family. The little boy went up stairs where his dad was shaving. The dad cut himself and said "Shit!" Well once again, the boy started asking questions and asked what "shit" was. The father told him that it was "shaving cream". The boy accepted this answer and went downstairs were his mom was stuffing a turkey. When the mom cut herself with a knife, she said "Fuck!" The boy once again asked what "fuck" was. She told him that it was "stuffing". About that time, the door bell rang.

When the little boy went to answer the door, it was his grandparents. Upon opening the door, the little boy said: "Hi bitches and bastards. Let me take your crooked dicks and floppy tits for you. Dad's upstairs putting shit on his face and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

Turkey Day Humor Links:
Thanksgiving E-Cards
Brilliant and hilarious cards to send electronically to your loved ones on Turkey Day, from the very creative Modernhumorist.com.

Valerie Archer...
A collection of WAV files pertaining to Thanksgiving. A few from the
Simpsons, Bart not OJ.

Thanksgiving Excuses
A list of excuses to get away from the family after you've stuffed yourself
silly.

Cybergeek's Thanksgiving
A collection of things for webheads and cybergeeks to be thankful for.

Thanksgiving Jokes
A bit corny but some good one liners.

More Thanksgiving Humor
From laffnow.com, more jokes for turkey day.

All About Thanksgiving
A large collection of Thanksgiving content from humor to cooking to decorating and much much more. Created by About Guides and presented by New England for Visitors guide, Kim Knox Beckius.