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Mines a double JB - straight up.

So when you callin' time?

posted by Rob at February 19, 2004 06:29 AM

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...Scotch and Water... make mine a double as well..

posted by eric at February 19, 2004 07:14 AM

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Double Brandy on the Rocks, please...

posted by Rudi Juli Yanni at February 19, 2004 08:23 AM

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Whiskey. The cheap shit that really burns on the way down. In a dirty glass. Leave the bottle.

Don't forget the little paper umbrella.

posted by Harvey at February 19, 2004 08:43 AM

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Whiskey and coke. Something smooth, purty pleeze!

posted by Trey Givens at February 19, 2004 08:46 AM

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I'll have a Bloody Mary...and save the celery for your rabbit.

posted by Tiffany at February 19, 2004 10:15 AM

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By the way, Bartender, pour something off the top shelf for your own ugly mug. My dime.

Good to have ya back.

posted by Harvey at February 19, 2004 10:23 AM

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You dumbshits don't quit understand this post do you... read it again jack-ass!

posted by The Bartender at February 19, 2004 01:44 PM

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I'll have rum...Mount Gay...on the Rocks. thank you

mmmmmmmRUMmmmmmm

posted by Darren at February 19, 2004 02:51 PM

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Wait... did you just crawl out from behind the dumpster to announce that you're shutting the place down?

Well then, gimme a Beam and Coke before ya go... make it a triple... two of 'em... no, the Black Label... and don't say yer out, because I squirreled away a bottle behind the beer cooler when this whole debacle started. Forewarned is forearmed, dontcha know.

posted by Mike the Marine at February 19, 2004 02:51 PM

---

Actually, I'm thinking about doing a more sports related thing after the baseball season starts... just thinking about it for now. Other than that, I haven't really decided what I'm going to do with this old thingy... who knows??? who cares???

posted by The Bartender at February 19, 2004 05:46 PM

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Sheeeee-it... I care. Everybody that filled up that comments box while you were out CARES!

When did ya get so sentimental about all this?

First Rachel Lucas, then Don Watkins, and now YOU? If I lose three of my favorites inside of a month, I'm gonna cry like a little girl...

posted by Mike the Marine at February 19, 2004 08:59 PM

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Welcome back, Barkeep! We've missed ya! (Sorry about the pool table--we'll get it re-felted for you...)

posted by Susie at February 19, 2004 09:42 PM

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Listen here motherfucker, i'd had just about enough of your no showin, short pourin, pool table licking shit! You can either shut the fuck up, pour another round of hooch for the champagne gals, turn the station to WTBS for some America's Team ass whuupins, or Kiss John Rocker's ass.

I really dont care which.

Pick any two, and POUR you whiny cocksucker!

(PS: Go Braves! Chop Chop! Mets and Yanks are all gay anyway!)

posted by Uledi Coxswain at February 20, 2004 12:25 AM

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Quit your bitching, Barkeep, and get me a Scotch and Water... we had one helluva party in here a few days ago... if you close the bar, we'll end up doin' that shit at HOME with our Wives... now, do you REALLY want that to happen?..

posted by eric at February 20, 2004 09:42 AM

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Fuck you, Bartender. After you get done pourin' everyone drinks (including one for yourself), just shut up & listen.

Mike's right. Did you SEE that comment party? You damn near broke 100. I've never seen that many comments on a non-political blog before. Hell, I've never even broke double digits, myself.

Now, if you want to turn Madfish Willie's into a sports bar, well, it's your mortgage, so it's your call. But don't go around saying nobody cares, 'cuz if you can't feel the love, you're just a thick-headed ass-gremlin. This place reeks of love.

Or at least jizz.

Sorry about the pool table.

posted by Harvey at February 20, 2004 10:08 AM

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sweetbabyjamesonagriddle! You've reduced grown men to outbursts of emotion. Next thing you know they'll be trying on their wives' and girlfriends' bras. I hope you're happy with yourself.

I'd like something with an umbrella, please.

And a fast vehicle.

posted by pam at February 20, 2004 12:48 PM

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Just passing through. Can I get a packet of peanuts?

posted by Pixy Misa at February 20, 2004 09:58 PM

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That's weird. I broke the blog - but it was working before.

Hmph. Anyway, all fixed now.

posted by Pixy Misa at February 22, 2004 06:52 PM

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...what pam said.

I only just got onto the babes list, and I ain't leaving until I get some more Veuve. Where else can a self-respecting COTBB go?

And bloody hell, I missed the party! So I have nothing to do with that felt...

posted by goldie at February 23, 2004 12:37 AM

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Goldie - did you say you wanted to be felt? Hey, not a problem. We'll just have the Corner of the Bar Gang form a line & you can run the gauntlet.

After which you will be bought many drinks by your tingly-fingered fans.

posted by Harvey at February 23, 2004 09:11 AM

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*looks at devil* mmm... free drinks
*looks at angel on other shoulder* wtf? you're sposed to be married!
*looks at devil* but... you've had some Veuve...

Would that be more of the French stuff, Harvey?

posted by goldie at February 23, 2004 03:50 PM

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Last call, my ass! Good Kee-rist. If I didn't know any better, I'd say we're on our way to another blowout.

Hey Bartender, what are you gonna do if we organize a hippie-style sit-in? "No blood for booze! Boobs are Hitler!"

Wait... where was I?

posted by Mike the Marine at February 23, 2004 04:56 PM

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Hmm.... I wonder, can you mail Alcohol internationally? I'll take a triple of Jimmy Beam, bartkeep, and a 6-pack of Yuengling lager. Make it quick, this is a long distance call, and I ain't got time for some paraplegic unwashed bartender like yourself to take his time. =)

Here's to you, Willie, I'll slug a Kronenbourg for ya.

posted by Jeff at February 24, 2004 05:34 AM

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hehe, yeah.. Goldie, just tell us where you want the line to start... but, let's do a shot first...

posted by eric at February 24, 2004 06:28 AM

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WooHoo! Fat Tuesday Baby! Lets see them Titties gals!!!!

/me is waving a very large strand of purdy colored beads....

posted by Marty Gras at February 24, 2004 07:25 AM

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The Bourbon Street Booby Cam:
http://www.nola.com/bourbocam/classic/

posted by Marty Gras at February 24, 2004 08:08 AM

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Ah hell, here we go again...

[grabbing onto chandelier]

Me Tarzan. We party!

AHAUAUAUAHUAHAUHAUA!

posted by Harvey at February 24, 2004 09:43 AM

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Make mine Diet Coke...on the rocks.

posted by SpaceMonkey at February 24, 2004 01:47 PM

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The Bartender can't stifle our inebriated dissent!

Hey, ho
We won't go!
Another Double
Jack and Coke!

Hey, ho
We won't go!
Another Double
Jack and Coke! [/hippie sit-in organizing]

posted by Mike the Marine at February 24, 2004 02:36 PM

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where are all the Ladies? COTBB's, front and CENTER!

posted by Eric at February 24, 2004 04:49 PM

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Yeah, what Eric said!

mmmmm... CotBB fronts...

posted by Harvey at February 24, 2004 05:02 PM

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*Tiffany pokes head in door...sensing no other estrogen, backs away slowly and breaks into a run.*

posted by Tiffany at February 24, 2004 10:03 PM

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How come Harvey always gets the chandelier? OOooh, tandem chandelier swinging, wheeeeeeee!!!!

*proudly brandishing her trademark CoTBB front*

posted by Dana at February 24, 2004 10:37 PM

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TIFFANY! Get your luscious little hinder back in here!

And bring the Pleasure Paddle.

By the way, Dana, what's the funnest thing you've ever done while dangling from a chandelier?

And would you be interested in trying to set a new high-water mark in that department? ;-)

posted by Harvey at February 24, 2004 11:30 PM

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If Dana's here, I'm here. *adjusts her brand new CotBB Tshirt* And Eric, if you're buying the shots, I'm drinkin' 'em.

Is a butterscotch&baileys cowboy cocksucker known as such in the US? or is it just us pervy aussies...?

posted by goldie at February 25, 2004 04:57 AM

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DANG, Goldie! *thump*... wow.. musta fainted for a second.. good thing I wore my cowboy boots today..

*a'hem*.. I don't know that drink, Goldiebaby, but.. why don't you come over here and show me how to make it...

posted by eric at February 25, 2004 06:10 AM

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*Hippy style sit in organising*
we demand that the facist oppresors *hic* grant us the right *hic* to continue our inberit inhibrea inebriato drunkeness until such time as we see fit *hic* or double, whichever comes first.

And remember *hic* the party isn't over till the fat girl cries...

posted by Rob at February 25, 2004 08:29 AM

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Rob, their ain't a girl in the world fat enough to make this party over.

And if there were, the Bartender would probably go home with her at closing time.

By the way, is there any Reddi-Wip left? I feel the need...

posted by Harvey at February 25, 2004 09:53 AM

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*Joins the sit-in*

Is it too early for Jello Shooters? I'm giving up straight alcohol for Lent *snicker*.

posted by Tiffany at February 25, 2004 01:50 PM

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Eric, sure!

*hops behind bar and pulls out two shotglasses*

So... you make sure to float the bailey's on top of the butterscotch schnapps... and just make sure not to get any on your cowboy boots...

mmm... tastes so GOOD!

posted by goldie at February 25, 2004 03:54 PM

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...Goldie... nevermind the boots, I am in lurve with the way... that you use your ellipses... do they teach ALL the gentle Ladies down in the Land of Oz how to do that?... oh, and the drink ain't half bad either....

Jello shots comin' riiiight up, Tiffany! Strawberry, or Cherry? Harvey! Put some of that redi-whip on Tiffany's shot..

posted by Eric at February 25, 2004 04:08 PM

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Cherry, please. And don't be stingy with the Redi-Whip, Harvey! And not that "Lite" crap, either--full fat all the way!

posted by Tiffany at February 25, 2004 06:05 PM

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Well, I've heard it called a LOT of things before, but never a "shot"

*shrug*

Ok, Tiffany, hike that skirt up so I can cover your..."shot" in Reddi-Wip.

Hurry up! I want to get back on that chandelier. I just LOVE the way Dana keeps poking me with her perkies when I'm swinging next to her.

posted by Harvey at February 26, 2004 09:31 AM

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What fresh Hell is THIS?

Here comes His Imperial Soberness, tired after a long day of whacking trolls over the head and looking for a good time and what doth meet his weary eye?

Well I'll be fucked. No, correct that, I WOULD be ABOUT to, if the damn Bartender wasn't babbling incoherently about shutting the bar down, but it would seem that His Imperial Parchedness will have to waste time better spent on ordering long lines of shots on dragging the Barkeep out from behind the kegs.

Did we somehow miss the Imperial Memo stating that, from now on, Imperial Bars were allowed to shut down at their own discretion? Well DID we? HUH?

Has the Empire become some sort of anarcho-syndicalist hippie commune while we weren't looking, with people letting their hair down, singing "Kumbaya" in an excruciatingly painful off-key manner and shutting down perfectly good drinking holes in gay abandon?

Well HAS IT???

Now quit yer kvetching, you craven knave, and pour me three fingers of potato vodka, and don't even THINK about taking the bottle away, for I am wroth and quick to anger on this eve, and likely to play "Pick the Barkeep's Teeth With the Broadsword" at the drop of a hat. Or a head. Matters not to me.

Well?

posted by Emperor Misha I at February 28, 2004 10:22 PM

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Harvey - Actually, before this, I was a chandelier-swinging cherry, so I guess.. this is the funniest thing I've done. What did ya have in mind?

Goldie - Glad to see you drop in. Don't let em talk you into going into the back room to help "get some more kegs." That's a total trick. That is, unless, you brought an extra pair of panties (for after).

*frowns*

OK, ladies and gentlemen, we appear to have a problem. I've eaten all the food The food has all mysteriously disappeared, so I'm ordering pizza. Who wants what?

posted by Dana at February 29, 2004 12:25 AM

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Misha! Good to have you by! Tell ya what, why don't you have a swing on the chandelier while you're waiting for the Barkeep to get his head out of his ass. Goldie can keep ya company (it's more fun in pairs).

Meanwhile, Dana, once you get the pizza ordered (anything but green olives for me), let's go back & get some more kegs.

Panties! Pshaw! Who needs 'em? I... Hey... are those edible?

posted by Harvey at February 29, 2004 01:08 AM

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Eric: oh yes, us aussie girls know how to work those ellipses, baby...

*pours another and shoots the shot* (although not one of Harvey's Reddi-wip-covered 'shots')

Dana: thanks for the warning ;). I was wondering why the guys kept offering to buy me beer... I just came in after a hard day's shopping and they obviously saw my Victoria's Secret bag...

Harvey: don't mind if I do! Swinging sounds like an awful lot of fun! :)

posted by goldie at February 29, 2004 03:57 AM

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Victoria's Secret... and Ellipses... ahhh, two of my favorite things.. *pours a double Macallan*... get off that chandelier, and give us a fashion show, Goldie..

Glad to see you finally made it, Misha.. Let's talk Guns and Scotch while Goldie get's changed..

posted by Eric at February 29, 2004 07:20 AM

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Where the shell is Shusie?

*hic*

She shaid that "we" should chain ourshelves to the bar to keep the Bartender from turning it into shome cheashy sports bar...

*hic*

*has a very sobering thought*

And, Goldie, I'd be careful where I'd leave your bag of goodies. Harv's been known to where ladies undergarments in the past. Talk about buzz kill...

Eric, I'll take some of that Macallan, now, please.

posted by Blackfive at February 29, 2004 08:19 AM

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..no worries, Matty.. (Goldie's been teaching us some of her lingo).. here's a double... now, help me talk Goldie down from that Chandelier...

..ya know, this bar will make a good catwalk for the fashion show...

posted by Eric at February 29, 2004 08:22 AM

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DAMMIT Matty! How many times do I have to tell you? It's *strictly* a comfort thing!

[rooting through bag]

OOOOO! Lacy thong!

I don't know about chains. There might be some in the champagne room. But I *do* know that the Bartender has a handcuff collection that would put the Chicago PD to shame.

posted by Harvey at February 29, 2004 11:27 AM

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No chains in the back Harv... but I did come across a stack of those "flexi-cuffs" the cops have started using. Hey! We can link ourselves together for the hippie sit-in and then the Bartender CAN'T throw us out!

... or we could like, apply them to other purposes... hehehehehe...

posted by Mike the Marine at February 29, 2004 11:39 AM

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(Kicks in door and staggers to bar)
Did I hear something about a SPORTS BAR?!?!?
Screw that! I'll use the damn dart boards for tomahawk practice! Now if you were thinking of, say, turning it into a strip club I'd be over here helping to install the poles...
Oh yeah, make it 4 shots of Ouzo and a Black & Tan.

posted by Graumagus at February 29, 2004 12:34 PM

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Did no one notice that I was asleep in that dark corner over there for the past several hours? Geez...I'm covered with unidentifiable wet stuff. Someone get out the DNA test kit!

posted by Tiffany at February 29, 2004 02:02 PM

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Guns and scotch?

Well, let me tell you ONE thing: If that layabout deserter of a Barkeep doesn't get his ass around to fixing me up with some (right after the Vodka), we WILL be talking guns. Or the guns will be talking. Whichever.

A SPORTS bar???

The only sports I want to see pursued or talked about in Imperial Bars is "Boat Races" and the like.

Also, could we get some real hippies for the hippie sit-in? We need something to beat up on in case we get bored, after all.

posted by Darth Misha I at March 1, 2004 09:01 AM

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Don't worry about it, Tiffany, I think Graumagus just spilled his Ouzo. Why don't you just towel off and show us what you can do on that bar/catwalk.

Meanwhile I'm going to flexicuff myself to something... preferably something in a 1.75 liter size and at least 100 proof.

By the way, has anyone seen the Slip-N-Slide?

posted by Harvey at March 1, 2004 09:01 AM

---

The doors swing slowly open... for a brief instant, the bar is silent. A chill wind flutters the curtains. Standing before you is a tall man in a black hat and boots. He stamps his heels once to clear the dust and steps to the bar. Without a word he reaches across, past the taps and over the lower shelf to the clear glass bottle on the upper shelf, the one with the worm resting peacefully at the bottom. He removes the cork with a practiced pull and touches the bottle to his lips. His eyes flicker back and forth, quickly assessing the rooms occupants. The bottle tilts, and his adams apple bobs once as he takes a swallow. He rests the bottle on the bar, his hand still wrapped around it. His eyes seem cold and distant, focused on something distant, over the horizon, beyond the ken of the patrons flanking him. He nudges his hat back with a touch of his rough hands, and he leans on the bar. His exhaustion is palpable, a living, breathing thing that seems to rest on his shoulders like a rain soaked poncho.

"Go on about your business," he says quietly. "I've had a long day."

posted by J. Fielek at March 1, 2004 12:19 PM

---

Hey, I heard that there was a party, and I thought I'd check it...HOLY CRAP, I AM WAY TOO YOUNG TO BE IN HERE!

*runs away*

posted by CD at March 1, 2004 12:56 PM

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flexicuffs, suicide attempts, guns, hippies, and slip'n'slides?? .... gentlemen.. GENTLEMEN!!... these Corner of the Bar Babes are Ladies... some of them, in the classical sense.. let's offer them some Champagne.. we can grope them later..

posted by Eric at March 1, 2004 04:47 PM

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Exactly Eric! mmm.. champagne. Cristal thanks. I won't get off the chandelier for less.

And stop looking up my skirt.

posted by goldie at March 2, 2004 08:01 AM

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As John Paul Jones once said, "Stop? I have not yet BEGUN to look up your skirt!"

[knocking hat off J's head]

Criminey, J! Would ya STOP being so melodramatic? It creeps me out when you bring mysterious chill winds into the room with you.

Loosen up and pour me a knock of that tequila.

And is Susie around somewhere? I need someone to spray Reddi-Wip on, and white is her color.

posted by Harvey at March 2, 2004 09:37 AM

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Sorry to be so late, all! I "accidently" got locked in the projection booth with two electricians and a case of Newcastle...

Now, who wants to play "Mistress and Commander: The Far Side of the Champagne Room"?

posted by Susie at March 2, 2004 10:35 AM

---

posted by Susie at March 2, 2004 10:49 AM

---

Oops! Here

posted by Susie at March 2, 2004 10:55 AM

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I probably shouldn't say this out loud, but ATF might be stopping by later so if any of you gents are packing heat without a license, I've dug a hole for you out by the dumpster for you to hide it in. To whomever tipped them off: shame on you >:(. And no, I can't fit anymore guns in my sweatpants pockets SO QUIT TRYING TO STUFF THEM IN THERE! Ahem.

posted by Tiffany at March 2, 2004 01:04 PM

---

Miss Tiffany, I have one way to handle government agents.[pats holster like it were a good dog].

And Harvey, touch my hat again and you know where you'll end up.

Miss Susie, haven;t we met? You look just like a girl I knew in Laredo.

posted by J. Fielek at March 2, 2004 01:10 PM

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Tiffany - that wasn't a gun, and I wasn't aiming for your pocket ;-)

Susie - ME! ME! Pick ME! OO! OO!

posted by Harvey at March 2, 2004 01:11 PM

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Goldie- I've always called butterscotch schnapps and baileys a Buttery Nipple.

Tiffany- Got my own special "concealed" holster, no need to overload your pockets. :)

Harvey- Is that "pick" or "pickle"?

J. Filek- That is one snappy hat. Did you bring one for everyone? No? We disciplinarians might have to arrange a special time-out for those who will not share....

posted by LeeAnn at March 2, 2004 07:11 PM

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LeeAnn --

Sweetie, you sound like you could use a good spanking.

posted by J. Fielek at March 2, 2004 10:08 PM

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Spankings! Wooohooooooo!

This is like a bad-girl amusement park - ride the chandelier, slip the slide, fun with Reddi-Whip, and tall, sexy men in hats. Does it GET better?

*hops in line*

posted by Dana at March 3, 2004 01:20 AM

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Am I too late for a single malt? I think I have a flask in my sporran if you haven't got anything good. Please forgert about the JW (as my grandfather always said: "Johnny Walker is an export scotch)

posted by Ozguru at March 3, 2004 03:26 AM

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So..... is he here, or what? BARKEEP!!!

Hmm...

BAAAAAARRRRRRKKEEEEEEEPPP!!!!

I know, someone should go check the livestock...

posted by Jeff at March 3, 2004 07:00 AM

---

[holding hands half an inch from J's hat]

Does this bother you? Huh? Does this bother you? I'm not touching your hat! l'm not touching it at all! Whee! Does this bother you? Huh? Does it? Not touching your hat... Heh.

Jeff, ain't you a little too young to be here? Come to think of it, ain't you a little too currently in France to be here? *shrug* Good point though - the goats are probably at risk...

LeeAnn - did you say something about my pickle & your holster? I didn't catch the whole thing, but... uh... do you have ANY idea how distracting your cleavage is?

Dana - well, there is *one* thing better than waiting in line... see that big blender behind the bar? It's got a bad motor. Vibrates like crazy. You might want to mix up a Margarita & lean in close once you hit the "on" button.

posted by Harvey at March 3, 2004 07:39 AM

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J. Fielek- Many a man has tried, and found himself facing an authority figure and saying "I do." :)

Harvey- I've never gotten a speeding ticket, imagine that.

Dana- and we have a season pass, too!

posted by LeeAnn at March 3, 2004 08:04 AM

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Whiskey and Coke, please!

What's going on here?

posted by Trey Givens at March 3, 2004 10:34 AM

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*Matty O'Tatertot walking out of the Champagne room talking to Eric*

Dude! The Bartender said the room was extra but through in the midgets FOR FREE!

SUH-WEET!

posted by Blackfive at March 3, 2004 01:03 PM

---

Damn, Matt... I knew Goldie was hot, but THAT was incredible... where'd they find all those midgets anyway?.. Those four-leaf clover pasties, and the midgets in the Leprechaun outfits were a nice touch, though...

and, Ozguru, it is NEVER too late for a single malt.. c'mon, Me and Matt'll buy you a Macallan...

posted by Eric at March 3, 2004 03:44 PM

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I'm not a midget. >:( I'm just vertically challenged, although it certainly saves me on neck strain...

posted by Tiffany at March 3, 2004 07:22 PM

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*pouring another from his pitcher of Louenbrau Octoberfest*

You guys are fun to watch.

posted by Tuning Spork at March 3, 2004 07:25 PM

---

If you guys just had a TV in your foreheads and could breathe through your ears, you'd be about damn near perfect.

Spork, is it better than Oregon Honey Beer? And can I have a sip?

posted by LeeAnn at March 3, 2004 07:32 PM

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You may, indeed have a sip, LeeAnn. And if y'likey; ye may have a quaff.

posted by Tuning Spork at March 3, 2004 07:48 PM

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Damnit, Grandpa Harvey, I'm NEARLY 20. And that law is for people that don't ROCK THE HOUSE. Read up on yer schoolin' y'old scupperfish.

posted by Jeff at March 4, 2004 07:19 AM

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Hehehehehe... he said scupperfish.
I know, I know.. but it just sounds suggestive. Or is it just me?

posted by LeeAnn at March 4, 2004 08:10 AM

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LeeAnn:

I'll take ya on, sweetheart. Now be a good girl and bend over the pool table.

And a scupperfish is not suggestive, unless you're into scat.

Harvey:

Sit down, Francis.

Dana:

You may join LeAnn at the pool table. Now where did I put that riding crop o' nine-tails?

posted by J. Fielek at March 4, 2004 08:27 AM

---

LeeAnn - Ok, I don't have TV, but I can pull in a couple radio stations on my fillings. And my nickname is SCUBA.

Tiffany - as long as you make up for in enthusiasm what you lack in height...

J - Francis?

Eric - take it easy on that pool table, big guy, they just re-felted it, and... oh my! THAT'S gonna leave a stain... a BIG stain...

posted by Harvey at March 4, 2004 09:11 AM

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I'm plenty enthusiastic, Harvey. *checks to make sure shamrock pasty glue is still adhering*

I've got a carton of Marlboro lights for whomever finds my shirt.

posted by Tiffany at March 4, 2004 02:19 PM

---

Wait, we're supposed to be wearing clothes? Aww, hell. :(

posted by Dana at March 4, 2004 09:53 PM

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Get your ass back here, Madfish!!

posted by beth at March 4, 2004 10:56 PM

---

Tiffany - I think your pastie's comin' off. Here, let me push it back on. Be patient, I'm a little drunk, so it may take me a couple dozen tries.

Dana - last I checked, the Champagne Room was clothing-optional. The only catch was "no sex". Last I heard from President Clinton, oral sex isn't really sex, so...

Beth - Don't bug the Bartender. Last I checked, he was huddled under the desk in his office, mumbling "my poor bar" over & over again

Does anyone here know how to make a beer bong?

posted by Harvey at March 5, 2004 09:28 AM

---

Harv- I'll have the beer bong working in a few seconds. Now I know why you remind me of Wil Farrel (Old School).

I also stole the barber chair from Mickey O'Hara's (down the street) to do upside-down Margaritas. There is absolutely no reason for a self-respectin' Mick bar to have Margaritas (Tequila, sure. Margaritas, no.).

Hey, Eric, what's our Fire Engine count up to now? The record is 6 calls to the fire department by the neighbors. I can set off a few more explosions if that will help (and, no, Harv, I ain't talking about those kind of explosions).

posted by Blackfive at March 5, 2004 11:32 AM

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Fire engines? We don't need no steeenkin' fire engines. We need to padlock the door because the busybody biddy that lives upstairs has been making noise complaints...next thing you know SWAT will be beating down the door with a big stick.

Damnit...why does EVERYTHING seem like inuendo when Harvey's around?

posted by Tiffany at March 5, 2004 12:42 PM

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Mmmmm, upside down margaritas, I love those.
I got thrown out of Mexico once after an afternoon of upside down margaritas.

posted by LeeAnn at March 5, 2004 02:55 PM

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*finally stumbles out of the champagne room*

Eric and Matty, you never told me clothing was optional. I'm never going to get these stains out...

Think I'll join you for that Margarita LeeAnn. That is if you've had your spanking already... When's the spanking to begin J? Huh?

posted by goldie at March 5, 2004 09:11 PM

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Hey, let the SWAT guys join in, too! I love a man in uniform. Especially if he has cuffs.

posted by Dana at March 5, 2004 10:28 PM

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Damn. Just damn. I think I'm going to have to get the video camera and release forms out of the car...be right back! Wait--really guys, where's my shirt?

posted by Tiffany at March 5, 2004 10:34 PM

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Phhhhft the Atf...
Alcohol, tombacco, firearms, & explosives should be the name of a damn STORE, not a government agency.
Hey! That calls for some scotch....

posted by Graumagus at March 5, 2004 11:51 PM

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Scupperfish IS suggestive, at least I meant it to be...

But you know you're going down the wrong hole when you start making a horny 19 year old sick, huh?

Jeese Harve....

posted by Jeff at March 6, 2004 05:15 AM

---

Sorry, Goldie... let's go over here in the broom closet... there is a sink in there, and I'll help you wash those stains out... *blush* sorry about those stains babe.. I got a little too excited... shamrock pasties will do tht to a guy..

Matt, I've only seen 4 fire engines so far... but, after watching Goldie's performance... and LeeAnn shooting tequila... and Tiffany's enthusiasm... I have to ask..

"it that cannonfire, or the beating of my heart?"

posted by Eric at March 6, 2004 08:28 AM

---

Four fire engines? I've only got seven firemen over here! LeeAnn! Have you got some of my firemen?

posted by Susie at March 6, 2004 08:59 AM

---

First, Congratulations to Susie for being the lucky 100th commenter. As a reward, I will put on this fireman's hat and give her "scuba" lessons.

Could somebody find me a bottle of Hershey's chocolate syrup, please?

posted by Harvey at March 6, 2004 09:44 AM

---

*burp*
Uh... no.... No firemen here. Nope.
Has anyone seen my toothbrush?

posted by LeeAnn at March 6, 2004 10:20 AM

---

....mmmmm...Hershey's syrup! Find some fresh Reddi-Wip and you'll make me forget the firemen....

posted by Susie at March 6, 2004 10:34 AM

---

A Susie-sundae! Don't forget the cherry, Harv. And we wanna see you twist the stem into a knot with your tongue.

posted by Dana at March 6, 2004 11:41 AM

---

Oh, that's my cue, Dana.

Now, will a double bowline on a bite do?

posted by Trey Givens at March 6, 2004 03:48 PM

---

ah so that's the unexplained stain on my erm... top. Hersheys! The sauce is back in the champagne room Harvey, with the reddi-wip. I'll just get it for you...

*grabs a couple of lost and confused firemen on the way*

posted by goldie at March 6, 2004 05:23 PM

---

Oh before I disappear, those shamrock pasties were delicious Eric. I'd love to eat them with you again one day...

LeeAnn, I found your toothbrush in the CR too! Better come get it hon, these firemen are getting antsy...

posted by goldie at March 6, 2004 05:31 PM

---

Goldie- thanks... it was my favorite one, with Spongebob on the handle. :)
Susie- I promise to bring 'em back in the same shape I found them.
Harv- I'll race on cherry stem tying...my record is 13 seconds.
Is there any reddi whip left? I think both Jeff and J need some decorating.

posted by LeeAnn at March 6, 2004 09:26 PM

---

Crap...no more Redi-whip, but I raided Martha Stewart's studio kitchen and found this stand mixer and quart of heavy cream. All we need now is a little sugar...come here Harvey!

posted by Tiffany at March 6, 2004 09:56 PM

---

Oh bewitching elixer how I love thee! Yay, booze.

posted by Agatha at March 7, 2004 12:42 AM

---

Oh Tiffany, YOU'RE the sugar in whipped cream of this party. And don't use that crappy Martha Stewart mixer. Use the Bartender's shaky old blender. Talk about good vibrations!

LeeAnn - go easy on Jeff... I don't think he's ever been Mrs. Robinsoned before. Break him in gently.

Susie - now that you mention it, let me go out to the car. I usually carry a case of Reddi-Wip in the trunk. Never know when I might accidentally drive through Indiana ;-)

... LOOK EVERYBODY! An entire case of Reddi-Wip! Grab a can & have fun!

Tiffany, you can stop messing with the Bartender's blender... Tiffany?... TIFFANY!

posted by Harvey at March 7, 2004 11:21 AM

---

Great, Harv!

And I found this Twister game and half a pizza under the couch in the champagne room. The pizza's kind of soggy.

*Mike the Marine slurs something about pizza and commies*

Hey! Who wants to play Clothing-Optional Twister?

*all the firemen run to play Twister with Trey*

Oh. Sorry Suze.

Where's that Macallan, Eric? Eric?

posted by Blackfive at March 7, 2004 09:43 PM

---

...I believe I'm about all Redi-Whipped out.. heh... besides, I need to find a quiet corner, and digest those Shamrock Pasties...

Matt, last I saw the Macallan, Graumagus was swilling direct from the bottle, and instructing Mike the Marine how best to do "carrier landings" on the dance floor.. I think we need to start on the Lagavulin anyway...

posted by eric at March 8, 2004 06:20 AM

---

singing:

"Jesus loves you more than you could know...

whoa whoa whoa..."

posted by Jeff at March 8, 2004 06:29 AM

---

Who unplugged the blender? Crap! I guess the motor went out...is there an unbalanced washing machine around here anywhere?

posted by Tiffany at March 8, 2004 09:31 AM

---

Jeff - you look... different, somehow...

LeeAnn - you look... a little tired, yet VERY happy.

I'm going into the Champagne room and hosing those firemen down with Reddi-Wip. Maybe if Susie goes into a feeding frenzy, they'll turn out not to be completely g... uh, festive.

[pauses, looks at ceiling]

Huh... How did THAT get up THERE?

posted by Harvey at March 8, 2004 09:45 AM

---

Hubba Hubba... Firemen! And I'm really good at Twister, too!

WOOHOO!

C'mon, Suzie! It'll be fun, I promise!

posted by Trey Givens at March 8, 2004 10:24 AM

---

LeeAnn --

Here, put on my chaps. No, nothing elese, just the chaps.

There. That's better.

posted by J. Fielek at March 8, 2004 11:04 AM

---

Ok, Trey--you, me and the firemen! But Harvey gets to watch...

posted by Susie at March 8, 2004 01:19 PM

---

Wandering in - very late indeed... Harvey, you're supposed to buy me a drink. Is there any left? I thought the pool table had been refelted, what happened to it? And what's with all the firemen? Looks like I've been missing a knock-down drag-out party!

posted by Teresa at March 8, 2004 03:10 PM

---

...sorry about the table, Teresa.. that was me... but, dangit, it was all Goldie's fault.. how can a redhead resist shamrock pasties...

...Matt, I found the Macallan... looks like Gramaugus dropped it when he passed out in the corner...

posted by Eric at March 8, 2004 04:04 PM

---

Where's the TV? There's a race on.

Oh, wait, let's start our own racing league!

Dana, Lee Ann, Goldie, get naked and run around the room.

We'll call it "NASBABE" :-)

posted by J. Fielek at March 8, 2004 06:54 PM

---

Amongst all the commotion, a smooth-faced noob slides quietly onto a chair at the of the bar. He softly orders a soda. Looking down the bar, he nods a respectful "Hello" to his Daddy.

He glances at the pool table, the chandelier, the half-used case of ReddiWhip, and the smiling, laughing people dancing on the bar.

A broad smile crosses his face, and to no one in particular he says; "I'm gonna like it here."

Cheers

posted by _Jon at March 8, 2004 08:07 PM

---

Jeff- If you still have the energy to sing, we ain't done. Get back here.

J- I have my own chaps, and spurs too. Should I accessorize?

Teresa- I saved you a fireman, let me just wring him out for you.

Back where I used to live, one New Years Eve we did do a version of NASBABE... we called it the Bare Butt 500.
I came in third... built for comfort, not for speed.

Jon- Have a beer, and welcome. Are those trousers washable?

posted by LeeAnn at March 8, 2004 08:18 PM

---

Thanks.

Yes they are but there's nothing on them ... oops. damn. Frontal seepage. How embarrassing.

I need someone to come over here and leave some snail tracks. Cover this up a little.

Any help?

posted by _Jon at March 8, 2004 09:29 PM

---

Snail tracks, heh heh. Perhaps some dame here is coordinated enough for that right now, but I isn't...aren't...ain't? Oh. Not--I'm not.

I've been drinking for 19 straight days and it's a miracle I can still spell.

posted by Tiffany at March 8, 2004 10:35 PM

---

*mumbling in the corner*

I like to ride my horses
And shoot my gun
You know a cowboy's work
Is just never done
I am into basics
And I don't like fads
And I like to have women I've never had

posted by Jeff at March 9, 2004 04:35 AM

---

Susie - watch? Hell! Camcorder... :-)

Teresa - Let me get you a drink. What'll ya have? Blowjob? Sex on the Beach? Screaming Orgasm? Cowboy Cocksucker? Quickfuck?... Hmmm... looks like we're all out of non-suggestive beverages...

J - NASBABE? Great! We can paint on some Hershey's syrup racing stripes! ZOOOOOM!

_Jon - respect my ass, whelp [tosses _Jon a can of Reddi-Wip] Go make a new friend.

LeeAnn - Looks like Jeff's still got a little strength left. Work him, sweetie!

posted by Harvey at March 9, 2004 09:40 AM

---

Hey, Eric, it's time to get out the old gee-tar and start playing.

*Mike the Marine wakes up and starts screaming "FREE BIRD! FREE BIRD!"*

How about some drinking songs Eric?

posted by Blackfive at March 9, 2004 12:18 PM

---

J: ok, I'll be in your NASBABE... but only if I can ride around on some fireman's shoulders cos right now all I can do is stumble... and with at least SOME clothing on. Hey, I left my victoria's secret bag around here somewhere...

Eric: dang they was tasty shamrock pasties! Up for another round?

Tiffany: have we really... *hic* been here that long???

Harvey: I think I needs a Quickfuck. Do you think you can oblige?

posted by goldie at March 9, 2004 03:20 PM

---

Hang on, Matty... I've got JUST the tune for all you miscreants... most especially Harvey the Perv... Give me a few minutes to get the guitar tuned, and I'll have it for ya..

Where'd the Maniak go? She can play some background while I sing... but, pay attention, I'm only gonna sing this once, dammit, I'm too drunk to remember the lyrics...

...oh, and Goldie... yooooouuuuu betcha..

posted by Eric at March 9, 2004 04:53 PM

---

...ok... here goes... this song has touched my heart, on occasion... and, I humbly dedicate.. HEY!... KEEP IT DOWN IN THE BACK!... I'm trying to SING up here...

*A'hem*... anyway... this song is dedicated to the COTBB.. and COTBG members... and, anyone else who's dropped in.. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Pervy Harvey's Song... after all... he's the guy who kicked this party off...

..oh, and feel free to sing along...

..the Conga line starts over by LeeAnn.. lead us, LeeAnn!

posted by Eric at March 9, 2004 05:13 PM

---

Let me get us started by shaking these maracas....
Here we go.... *shake shake shake*, step, step, kick, wiggle booty.... step step, kick, shimmy....Come on, y'all!
Need I mention it's clothing optional? As if any of you have that much on at this point.

posted by LeeAnn at March 9, 2004 06:32 PM

---

I love that song... day-um, it's almost up there with Lawyers, Guns, and Money. :)

posted by LeeAnn at March 9, 2004 06:37 PM

---

thankye, Ma'am.. Thankye very much.. I don't play bars very often, but, I'm glad you enjoyed it...oh, and you start one HELLUVA Conga line...;^)

posted by Eric at March 9, 2004 06:42 PM

---

Here's the lyrics to a song I'd like to dedicate to all us COTBB... can't find the song itself to share, dang it, but we could all just change our names to Patricia for the nonce, eh?
http://www.chrisdeburgh.net/english/azlyrics/p.html#song2

posted by LeeAnn at March 9, 2004 06:45 PM

---

Uhh, I keep losing track of who's who - and who's wearing whose undergarments. So I created a Scorecard.

Kinda.

LOL

posted by _Jon at March 9, 2004 08:21 PM

---

Oh holy Grey Goose, we're doomed! Our debauchery is documented, and not just in the comments wingding!
Jon, that is darn obsessive... er, cool. :)

posted by LeeAnn at March 9, 2004 08:36 PM

---

When I was looking for my shirt a couple of days ago, how come no one told me it'd been cut up and used for coasters?

posted by Tiffany at March 9, 2004 08:44 PM

---

Boy, firemen sure don't have the stamina they used to! Harvey, put down the camcorder--I need a hand here...

posted by Susie at March 9, 2004 11:43 PM

---

*violently*

FREE BIRD!!! FREE BIRD!!!

*Swigs some Johnny Walker*

posted by Jeff at March 10, 2004 06:49 AM

---

I jus' wanna know where Eric found a drinking song about Harvey that mentions my hometown.

PS no Aussies drink Fosters :). It's an urban myth. But we do like shooters with dirty names. Who wants to join me for a cowboy cocksucker? Or try one of leeAnn's buttery nipples?

posted by goldie at March 10, 2004 07:14 AM

---

[coming up for air]

Eric, can you sing that a little louder? I can't hear a damn thing through Susie's thighs...

posted by Harvey at March 10, 2004 10:00 AM

---

Hmmmm... [pulls out guitar...]

Cowboys ain't easy to love, and they're harder to hold...

Hell, folks, a little Waylon goes right along with this cheap mescale (and i know it's mescale -- it sure as hell ain't tequila).

Lee Ann, spank yourself with those marachas...

posted by J. Fielek at March 10, 2004 10:02 AM

---

Here's a song from the band to the patrons:

Bugger Off!
Well you've been a lovely audience, but oh the time does pass.
So don't you all be lettin' the door hit you in the ass.
You've been a splendid audience, but enough is enough.
We'd take it very kindly if you'd all just bugger off!

Chorus:
So bugger off, you bastards bugger off! (Pub Patrons: Fuck You!)
Bugger off, you bastards bugger off! (Pub Patrons: Fuck You!)
Like a herd of bloody swine that refuse to leave the trough
You'll get no more this evening so you bastards bugger off!

http://www.timmalloys.net/buggeroff.html

posted by Blackfive at March 10, 2004 11:27 AM

---

J- Why in the world need I spank my own monk...er, maracas when I have all you lovelies?

posted by LeeAnn at March 10, 2004 01:53 PM

---

*swatting LeeAnn on the caboose with his guitar*

shake it, LeeAnn... DANG!... I think I broke a string, but y'all wanna hear anymore Zevon?

oh, and Goldiedear, I found my cowboy hat for later...

posted by Eric at March 10, 2004 04:02 PM

---

YES! Spank LeeAnn!

But first a song for that leg-waxing, kilt-wearing, mama's-boy Eric

lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.us/17270

mp3(ctrl+f "scotsman unbound"): http://www.soundclick.com/pro/default.cfm?BandID=106366&content=music

posted by Harvey at March 10, 2004 04:12 PM

---

[flips LeeAnn over his knee...]

What birthday is this? Aw, who the hell cares!

A- One! [smacks fanny]
A- Two! [smacks fanny]
...

posted by J. Fielek at March 10, 2004 05:58 PM

---

Harvey, I got some bad news for you - those aren't Susie's thighs. That's a passed-out Fireman. :o

LeeAnn, if your fanny gets sore from the smacking, I'll kiss it and make it better. :)

posted by _Jon at March 10, 2004 08:36 PM

---

Damn, did I miss LeeAnn's Birthday?/
I need a drink. Actually, I think I'd like a Drambui on the rocks.

Thanks.

posted by Beth at March 10, 2004 09:12 PM

---

And one to grow on! [smacks buttocks one last time...]

Next? No, not you, Harvey. Ask Trey to smack your fanny for you.

posted by J. Fielek at March 10, 2004 09:36 PM

---

I would go next but I'm already swooning from all the

oooh! pretty bird! come here pretty birdie! don't fly--

Oh. What was I saying?

posted by Tiffany at March 10, 2004 11:30 PM

---

I think it's time we turned the tables.... instead of being under or dancing on top of 'em.
C'mon girls... grab a guy and spank 'em like they stole your best lipgloss!

posted by LeeAnn at March 11, 2004 09:17 AM

---

_Jon - Firewoman. Trust me. After the Titty Bar Debacle, I check these things before I plant face. Really thought it was Susie though... *shrugs*

I *would* let Trey spank me, but he hits like a girl. I want someone who knows how to hit like a WOMAN.

Say, Tiffany, didn't you say that you knew some really bad fake kung fu? Come get me...

posted by Harvey at March 11, 2004 09:46 AM

---

Fashionably late again. Well, I'll give you all a little rendition of Ode to Joy as I walk through the door.

posted by hM at March 11, 2004 11:00 AM

---

Harvey, I'd put the fear of *insert diety of choice* into you. You can't handle my faux-fu.

posted by Tiffany at March 11, 2004 04:21 PM

---

Why does faux-fu sound naughty?

posted by _Jon at March 11, 2004 05:48 PM

---

You'll see why when the how-to videotape makes it's way to late night infomercials, _Jon. ;-)

posted by Tiffany at March 12, 2004 12:08 AM

---

Hell, Tiffany, this should make the Playboy Channel at least. Cinemax if it gets nasty.

Now, bring your dancin' butt over here or i'll have to start spanking Goldie...

posted by J. Fielek at March 12, 2004 08:33 AM

---

_Jon - faux fu sounds naughty because *I'm* here. EVERYTHING sounds naughty when Pervey's in the hizzouse.

Tiffany - ok, give me a good whack & then get your spankin' from J. Although if J were a REAL man, he could handle spanking 2 girls at once

And could someone hand me a Zima? Susie's T-shirt is starting to dry out...

posted by Harvey at March 12, 2004 08:56 AM

---

Eric: you hang on to that cowboy hat now, y'hear? I'm thinking it's time for another shot...

*falls backward off a fireman's shoulders onto the defelted pool table* Ooops, sorry Harvey. Didn't see you two there. Wet my T-shirt while you're at it?

*leans over pool table* OK J, I'm ready for my spanking now... Ooooh! Tingly!

posted by goldie at March 12, 2004 09:06 AM

---

Hey, everybody! Here come the cops!

....

Oh, nevermind, it's just the midget strippers dressed as Keystone cops. Harv must have ordered them for Trey.

And, I'd never thought I'd hear myself say this, but that ZIMA looks GREAT!

posted by Blackfive at March 12, 2004 03:20 PM

---

Mmmm, midget strippers :)
See a little, get a lot.

posted by LeeAnn at March 12, 2004 05:52 PM

---

Now that's the firdt decent use of Zima I've ever seen.

Susie, i've got a knee free. Your turn, too.

posted by J. Fielek at March 12, 2004 07:20 PM

---

Thanks, Josh! I needed that! ;)

Sheesh, Harv! Did you have to refrigerate that Zima first????? Brrrr...it's nippy in here now!!!

posted by Susie at March 12, 2004 11:32 PM

---

(There's always ONE, right?!)

It's not too late to order ONE MORE screaming orgasm, is it?

::: bats eyelashes :::

Pleeeaassee??

posted by margi at March 14, 2004 12:48 PM

---

Susie - not a problem. I got a nipple warmer right here :-O

Margi - for you, I'll make it a double ;-)

Challenge for the ladies - take this magic marker and write "Madfish Willie's has the best comment parties". But you can't use your hands.

Or your feet.

Or your mouth...

So... who's got good penmaship?...

posted by Harvey at March 14, 2004 06:47 PM

---

I can shoot a ping-pong ball 30 feet.

But I don't know if I'm :: cough :: ambidextrous.

posted by margi at March 14, 2004 08:48 PM

---

Harvey- pffft, mere child's play. What font do you want it in?

posted by LeeAnn at March 14, 2004 10:49 PM

---

"We came, we saw, we drank.... we drank some more, we came again, and we need to recover the pool table. And a fine time was had by all."

Think we can get that on a bumper sticker?

posted by LeeAnn at March 15, 2004 08:24 AM

---

Margi - ping-pong ball, eh? Can you knock J's hat off from here?

LeeAnn - Here's your paper, here's your marker, and I'd like that in Times New Roman, please

Oh... and you only came twice? I counted at least 3.

posted by Harvey at March 15, 2004 08:48 AM

---

Margi - ping-pong ball, eh? Think you can knock J's hat off from here?

LeeAnn - That's good. Now write that in Times New Roman, please.

And I can't believe you only came twice... I must be losing my touch.

By the way, is Jeff still breathing?

posted by Harvey at March 15, 2004 09:00 AM

---

Harvey, you need to patent your nipple warmers--although, oddly, I now feel even perkier...

posted by Susie at March 15, 2004 09:40 AM

---

What the hell's going on in here? And who allowed me to stop drinking just because I passed out?

Hmmm... well, at least Blackfive logged all events that took place during my coma...er... downtime. Let's see... slurred remarks about pizza and commies... yeah I've done that before... screaming for some Skynyrd... yeah done that too...

Well, doesn't look like I did anything too out of the norm while I was in la-la-land. Hafta fix that immediately. Somebody tell me where the Captain Morgan is around here... ooh, Anchor Steam Ale! Who knew that Sodom and Gomorrah were so well stocked on microbrews?

And somebody hose me off... this week-old Cool Whip is itchy...

posted by Mike the Marine at March 15, 2004 01:32 PM

---

Harvey- you mistook an asthma attack with a smidge of Tourette's for the third one.
And I thought I gave you Jeff and told you to have him cleaned....
Oh... and that's a kinda small marker, don't you have something more inspiring?

posted by LeeAnn at March 15, 2004 08:54 PM

---

I was outside, riding a horse with one of the Firewomen.

Or maybe I was riding the firewoman, with the horse?

posted by Jeff at March 16, 2004 04:18 AM

---

LeeAnn - is THIS big enough for ya?

Susie - ya got any Zima left for scrubbin' up the Jimmie the Jarhead?

By the way, any of you other ladies got cold perkies?

posted by Harvey at March 16, 2004 10:57 AM

---

LeeAnn -- It should be Veni, Vidi, Ve'll be back.

And IO'm working on a John Kerry bumper sticker -- WWAQD -- Vote Kerry!

Mike the Marine -- We've got to check your sobreniety before we give you another drink. Sing the first three verses of the Marine Corps Hymn and we'll give you a beer. Make that two beers. Three beers and ten minutes with LeeAnn on the pool table. Oh, wiat, you're a Marine. Make it a half an hour.

If he was Navy, he'd only need three minutes.

posted by J. Fielek at March 17, 2004 08:49 AM

---

J - 3 minutes for Navy? True, but he'd be able to go 10 times, so it's still half an hour.

Anyone got something green to drink?

posted by Harvey at March 17, 2004 10:20 AM

---

I'm talking about with a woman, Harvey...

posted by J. Fielek at March 17, 2004 10:57 AM

---

Wait... just the first three verses? What about the fourth and fifth? Oh wait... there's only three to begin with... well, I remembered that much so I must be okay for another round.

Is it okay if I sing WHILE I'm on the pool table with LeeAnn? Or will my mouth be full?

posted by Mike the Marine at March 17, 2004 04:41 PM

---

Hey, guys--it's lonely over here in the Champagne Room! And just because the motto is "there's no sex in the Champagne Room," that DOESN'T mean there's no "entrance fee".... ;)

posted by Susie at March 17, 2004 09:19 PM

---

Harvey- that oughta do it. Maybe.

Mike- you might be able to hum. Forget gesturing, you'll need the paws.

J- I've never needed ten minutes.

posted by LeeAnn at March 17, 2004 09:59 PM

---

Excuse me, I'll be in the Champagne Room....

I hope no one minds if I blockade the entrance with the pool table.
(_Jon and Susie need some "quality private time" together.....)

/woo hoooo!!!

posted by _Jon at March 18, 2004 07:43 AM

---

dang, J... I didn't know LeeAnn could do that with her thighs... wow... can you breathe man?.. *whew*... LeeAnn, maybe you guys could head for the storage closet.. it's got a nice, firm table in it...

..besides.. this pooltable needs a LOT more than refelting now... heh.. anyone know who left these handcuffs in the corner pocket?

posted by eric at March 18, 2004 08:12 AM

---

*hauls self from behind bar, dislodging small quantities of party detritius from ears*

I had the weirdest dream, there was reddy-wip, and midgets and firemen ... or maybe midget firemen, and baseball and ... and ... oh god I need a drink...

if anybody wants me I'll be in a meeting with jack ...

*slumps back under bar, fresh bottle clutched tight*

posted by Robert at March 18, 2004 08:43 AM

---

J - what would you know about being with a woman?

LeeAnn - you've never had J, though. You could go 10 days and still be waiting for the surf to break.

Eric - Thanks! I was wondering where I left those...

Anyone seen - or felt - Goldie lately? I need some "down under" assistance...

posted by Harvey at March 18, 2004 09:17 AM

---

*steps over the doorman*
A bottle of rum and a coke please bartender?

posted by Jeremy at March 18, 2004 11:11 AM

---

Harv -- Beleive me, I know.

Jeremy -- There ain't no bartender. unless you're a termite, in which case, yes, the bar is tender here.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch... Goldie? Where you hidin'?

posted by J. Fielek at March 18, 2004 11:17 AM

---

(Graumagus staggers out to his van, comes back in with 3 brass poles that reach from floor to ceiling and a cordless drill)
[Fwrreeeppt! Fwretetttpp!fwwrrrtt! FWWRREEEEEPT!]
Ok, I keep these in the back of my van for just such an occasion, (along with many unmentionable things in the back of my van), now we need some double jointed 6'5" strippers with double D's to go along with the nekkid midgets.......

posted by Graumagus at March 18, 2004 11:23 AM

---

*loud shout of pleasure heard from Champagne room*

*_Jon pokes head out of Champagne room*

Hey Harv - throw me another can of Whip, will ya'? Oh, and those 'cuffs you've got would be nice too. :)

posted by _Jon at March 18, 2004 11:56 AM

---

*wanders in with a sheepish look in her eyes*

I... Did someone mention my name? Harv? I was out back trying to fix the blender. Yeah. I'm pretty gawdamm sure it's working now though... So. You require assistance down under? Just happens to be one of my specialities.

posted by goldie at March 18, 2004 03:54 PM

---

hey, Harv... Goldie's worth the wait, Bro.... wanna borrow my cowboy hat?... trust me, it adds a lot to the experience...

posted by eric at March 19, 2004 09:05 AM

---

Jeremy - welcome to the party! Here...[tosses can of Reddi Wip]... go make a friend ;-)

Graumagus - Damn, G, you can fit a pole almost as good as Susie. I wonder if she can do three at once like that?

I don't know about the 6'5" dancers, but Dana's 6'1" & she should be back from vacation before the Bartender kicks us out.

_Jon - Catch! [tosses can of Reddi-Wip & pair of cuffs]... careful with those cuffs, they're my favorite pair... and I'd appreciate it if you'd at least rinse them off when you're done.

Eric - Sure, gimme that hat... uh... wring it out first.

Goldie - let's go take another look at that blender...

posted by Harvey at March 19, 2004 09:50 AM

---

Harv- Suzanne Somers took out an injunction against me...she's tired of paying out refunds when I break the thighmasters.

Hey, 5'2" isn't midgetly!

And it's not the cowboy hat that adds to the experience, it's the chaps and spurs.

*dives into refridgerator in search of Cool Whip*

posted by LeeAnn at March 19, 2004 04:50 PM

---

...LeeAnn... I wanna have your baby....*faints*...

posted by Eric at March 19, 2004 05:17 PM

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LeeAnn, I want you to BE my baby. Come over here and let me slap a little talcum powder on your ass.

Graumagus - do we need to grease those poles, or it that women's work?

posted by Harvey at March 20, 2004 09:13 AM

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I'm here Harvey, buy me a drink!!! I believe the next commenter will be the big 200 - congrats whoever you are.

posted by Teresa at March 20, 2004 12:30 PM

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Harvey: How come your trackback links don't show up under my byline?

The rest of you just continue spanking the monkies...

posted by Madfish Willie at March 20, 2004 01:54 PM

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Heh. How ironic.
The man who wants to shut the party down is #200. :) Congrats!

Oh, uhh, on a more serious note, I haven't heard anything from Susie here in the Champagne Room. She's uhh, either passed out -- or I broke her. I *hate* when I do that. :/

posted by _Jon at March 20, 2004 03:14 PM

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Teresa - You want a drink? How about a Screaming Orgasm? Then I'll have a drink, too.

Wait... did that sound dirty? Nevermind.

Bartender - my outgoing trackbacks have never worked. Don't know why. Maybe you should set up a Technorati profile on your posts?

_Jon - Susie's ok, she's just a little weepy about her March Madness picks right now. I should go give her... a little something... to cheer her up...

posted by Harvey at March 21, 2004 10:36 AM

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Just fix you fucking your blog, dickhead!

How fucking weak is that? You are proably in the class action lawsuit for the penis enlarging thingy... Enzyte from smiling Bob!

posted by Madfish Willie at March 21, 2004 01:28 PM

---

The Bartender is more fun when he's drunk - we should call him Fun Willie...wait. That's what Susie calls m...nevermind.

I thought I saw Margi running around here somewhere. One of those brass poles is for her. I just know that girl's got some moves.

Hey, Eric, this keg's empty. What say you to cutting it in half and starting a BBQ? I've got an acetylene torch behind the bar. Just watch that Maccallan around it...

Maybe, Harv could get some sand from the Champagne Room and have the girls play beach volleyball (clothing optional).

posted by Blackfive at March 21, 2004 04:37 PM

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Bartender - doesn't matter if I get the trackbacks fixed. I'm never linking this shithole blog again, so you'd never see a ping anyway. Fuckhead.

Yeah, Margi's quite AWOL. And I haven't seen Pam for a while either. I wonder if... hmmm... I better get the camcorder & check the mud pit.

Speaking of which, all the sand is currently IN the mud pit. Mabye we can just set up a net in there.

And please tell me Mike the Marine didn't drink all the damn Guinness. I could really use one right now.

posted by Harvey at March 22, 2004 09:15 AM

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Beach Volleyball! It's likes skinny dippin' without the water!

Hey! Where's my mescale? Goldie? Goldie? Where'd ya go?

posted by J. Fielek at March 23, 2004 06:59 AM

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Hey, where did all the chicks go? I'll have to investigate this [dons deerstalker cap & whips out magnifying glass]

posted by Harvey at March 23, 2004 07:03 AM

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Anybody know what day it is? I have a paper due April 1st...

Somebody tell _Jon I haven't had that much fun since the first time I wore edible underwear; I'll just be napping here under the pool table...

posted by Susie at March 23, 2004 09:13 AM

---

::rubbing eyes::
I'm not certain I believe what I'm seeing here. It looks like my college dorm after a party: torn pool tables, greasy poles and drunks everywhere. Sigh. Those were the days. Oh well, enough reminiscing. Time for a glass of Guinness ...I'm sorry, did someone say that we're OUT OF GUINNESS? Lemme in that keg cooler! Be right back...

posted by physics geek at March 23, 2004 10:20 AM

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Whew!
I was gettin' kinda nervous about Susie! :o)

OK, well, I'm done with the Champagne Room (for now). I tidied up a little bit, cleaned the prints off the ceiling and the gooey stuff off the mirrors. I drew the line at cleaning the jacuzzi. I think that thing will just have to be replaced. Yeck! No Harvey, you may *NOT* lick it clean.

Oh, and it appears we've got some left-over fireman equipment - oxygen mask and breather, fire-proof gloves, flippers, water hose, ....

BTW Susie - I'd never seen edible underwear _melt_ off of a woman before..... it takes a lot of heat and liquid to do that! :-)

posted by _Jon at March 23, 2004 01:16 PM

---

Harvey- forget the magnifying glass. Get the snorkel. But keep the hat. Mmmmm, likee.
Eric- I don't think modern genetics could handle any spawn of our loins, hon. :)
Susie- Need to borrow another pair? I got...lessee...I got lime, strawberry, kiwi-banana, and peach. Nope, no cherry..are you kidding?

posted by LeeAnn at March 23, 2004 02:49 PM

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Oooh! Give me that oxygen mask!

whoosh.... whoosh

Luke... I am your father!

See? I am easily amused...

posted by J. Fielek at March 23, 2004 05:33 PM

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Matt, the ribs are almost done... Tennessee BBQ all the way... anyone hungry?... *Dammit, Harvey, I meant for FOOD!*...

...LeeAnn... I shall stand rejected.. but content... our spawn might not be the next Einstein... but, having the next Seinfeld might be too much to bear as well.. oh... and before I start back on the ribs, I just HAVE to say.... you've some awesome turnips, babe...

posted by Eric at March 23, 2004 06:43 PM

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Tennessee BBQ? Sucking up to the InstaBandit, huh?

Pork ribs of beef ribs? And are you makin' enough for everyone? This is a hungry crowd...

posted by J. Fielek at March 24, 2004 07:39 AM

---

*yawning and stretching* Now that I've had a nap, I'm hungry...I'm a messy eater, though--who wants to lick this barbeque sauce off my tee-shirt?

Wait...where's my tee-shirt?

posted by Susie at March 24, 2004 10:07 AM

---

Looks like this party's got a good while to run just yet.

So, how many comments can MT take on a single post before it chokes and dies? Let's find out!

posted by Pixy Misa at March 24, 2004 10:22 AM

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Sorry about your T-shirt, Susie, I was using it to clean the jacuzzi.

...ewwww...

Ummm... let me go out to the car & see if I can rustle up some font-coverings...

... nope. Nothing. But I did find some flavored body paint. I'll just paint a T-shirt on you.

How's that?

posted by Harvey at March 24, 2004 10:54 AM

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*emerges from dark corner, yawning*

Somebody give me a shot of Pepto Bismol with a beer chaser. Something must have went down the wrong way. *hack!*

posted by Tiffany at March 24, 2004 09:25 PM

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I like the painted tee shirt idea, Harv, but first somebody's STILL gotta do something about all this barbeque sauce--I can't reach it with MY tongue....

posted by Susie at March 24, 2004 10:14 PM

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pepto with a chaser?

You know, you just might be an alcoholic IF...

... if you've ever wished Rolaids came as a powdered coffee creamer...

... if you've ever asked the pharmacist for maalox suppositories...

posted by Fox Jeffworthy at March 25, 2004 07:17 AM

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Ok, Susie, I'll take care of your little sauce problem... Hmmm... this could take a while. In this dim light, it looks like your entire body's covered.

*shrug*

[dives in]

posted by Harvey at March 25, 2004 09:14 AM

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Sorry about that Tiffany. :O

posted by _Jon at March 25, 2004 01:22 PM

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What in the name of all that's holy have I sat in? Can someone come pry me off this seat? It's all sticky and lumpy and has strange protuberance..... oh.... sorry, Eric, didn't see you there.
Nevermind, no help needed here... I'll just rest a while. :)
Where's that barbeque sauce?

posted by LeeAnn at March 25, 2004 07:29 PM

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LeeAnn - the barbeque sauce is where you'd expect to find it - next to hot meat.

Susie - you're clean now, let's start painting... hmmm hmmm hmmm... oops! Misplaced brush stroke. Better lick that clean.

And has anyone seen Goldie? She better not be messing up that jacuzzi again. I just cleaned that.

Oh, and if Dana stops in for a pole dance, tell her not to trip over the midgets.

posted by Harvey at March 26, 2004 10:01 AM

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Sauce, sauce, everywhere, and not a drop to drink... LeeAnn, I'm ready for a few more bodyshots..

Matty can handle the grill...

...so.... c'mon over here and let me show you what Goldie taught me a few hours ago...

..oh, and Harv, the ribs, burgers, and hot wings are done...but, when you can tear yourself away from Susie... and you have a minute... can you check the weiners?... they're probably burning by now...

oh, and everyone be warned.. the Tennessee BBQ sauce is sweet and sticky... SWEET and STICKY... if it is anything other, then you better check the source, 'cause it ain't sauce.. *a'hem*

posted by Eric at March 26, 2004 04:45 PM

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That explains my real need for Pepto, Eric. *hack! cough!*

posted by Tiffany at March 26, 2004 04:51 PM

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Geez, Tiffany, you're COVERED in sauce...

Wait a minute... Eric, isn't Tennessee barbeque sauce red?

As soon as Susie's done checking my weiner, I'll go check the ones on the grill. Oh, and thanks for the great straight line, Eric :-)

posted by Harvey at March 27, 2004 08:42 AM

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mmmffgrf....sorry, my mouth was full...can somebody get me a beer? The paint's not dry yet and I'm afraid it'll smear...

posted by Susie at March 27, 2004 10:25 AM

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Mmmmm, hot wings.... now all I need is some sort of receptacle for the Ranch dressing and I'll be all set.

Christ, it's a mess in here. Is there ANYWHERE to sit that isn't sticky, slimy, slippery, or gooey? Might be time for a call to Merry Maids.

posted by Dana at March 27, 2004 11:59 PM

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...did I hear my name? I fell asleep in the jacuzzi. I couldn't resist the nice clean tub on my way to check out the mescale for J. Course it needs another clean now...

Thanks for the BBQ Eric, a nice hot sausage was just what I needed.

Nice paint you have there Susie, although I think Harvey missed a spot.

...is that a pole I see?

posted by goldie at March 28, 2004 06:39 AM

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..Dana, I saw a dish of something that kinda looked like Ranch dressing.. but, it was over near Harvey.. so, somehow it seems suspect..

..you are more than welcome, Goldie.. glad I had a chance to fill you up...;).. nothing like a BBQ to get the juices flowing..

Tiffany, sorry about your upset tummy.. have some of the Maniak's Sprite.. that should do the trick..

posted by Eric at March 28, 2004 08:09 AM

---

Speaking of hM, isn't she overdue for an appearance? I'll go check the mudpit. I wonder if she knows any grilling songs?

Dana - YAY! Welcome back! And if you just lay down for a minute, you can be the ranch dressing container and you'll have plenty of hot meat dipped in you

Susie - Goldie's right, I missed a spot. *sigh* Guess I'll just have to lick you clean & start over...

posted by Harvey at March 28, 2004 12:22 PM

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Hey everybody! Am I late? I was out for a run...that lasted a few days.

Eric: What are you doing giving out my Sprite to other people? Pass me one and all will be forgiven.

Harvey: Don't know any grilling songs yet, but I did learn a simple rendition of the Schindler's List theme. Wait, maybe I shouldn't play that. Too many drunk people in here. The only thing worse than a mean drunk is a sad drunk.

posted by hM at March 28, 2004 02:17 PM

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Yummy - hot breasts with BBQ sauce all over them. Yes!

Oh, I ...uhhh... took the liberty of pouring a bunch of Jello powder into the Jacuzzi. It should start spitting out chunks of Jello really soon.

Harvey; I hear your song is starting on the Juke Box - "Closer" from Nine Inch Nails.

hM; I'll be in the Champagne Room - waiting. :) *BUT* - please keep in mind that I did make Susie pass out... :evil grin:

posted by _Jon at March 28, 2004 09:12 PM

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Susie passed out from laughing at your "Shorty".

posted by Madfish Willie at March 28, 2004 10:10 PM

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_Jon - netiquette lesson: when mentioning a song, be kind to the unfamiliar and link the lyrics, thusly so that everyone may enjoy

[singing badly] "I wanna feel you from the inside"

Yeah, hM, sad drunks are almost as pathetic as aging Texas Bartenders... how 'bout a little Jimmy Buffet, that should get people goin'...

Meanwhile, where'd the hot sauce go?...

posted by Harvey at March 29, 2004 09:18 AM

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If it was up your ass you'd know.

It's over behind the... under the... what the fuck... who stoled the hot sauce again?

posted by Madfish Willie at March 29, 2004 09:55 AM

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Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, "Bartender, I'll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACC~ErJ" The second string says "Pardon my friend, he isn't NUL terminated."

posted by Jim at March 29, 2004 10:38 AM

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I got your hot sauce riiiiiiight here...

posted by Dana at March 29, 2004 03:43 PM

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Yeah, but is it habenero?

Adn AHrvey -- Buffet? C'mon now, how about some Toby Keith?

Now to explore the Jellocuzzi...

posted by J. Fielek at March 29, 2004 04:47 PM

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For everyone's edification: it is NOT wise to ride the mechanical bull AND do upside down Kamikazi shots.

Bwhah.

*gives Jim a puzzled look*
*tackles him*

Did someone say Jellocuzzi?

posted by Emma at March 29, 2004 05:57 PM

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I'll try my best to play something recognizable. How's "Margaritaville"?

*ahem*

"Nibblin' on sponge cake
Watchin' the sun bake
All of those tourists covered with oil
Strummin' my six-string
On my front porch swing
Smell those shrimp they're beginnin' to boil

Wastin' away again in Margaritaville
Searching for my lost shaker of salt
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame
But I know it's nobody's fault"

posted by hM at March 30, 2004 03:49 AM

---

[giving Emma a friendly wave to welcome her to the party & wishing I was Jim]

I don't know the reason
I stayed here all season
Nothing to show but this brand new tattoo
But it's a real beauty
A Mexican cutie
How it got here I haven't a clue

Everybody!

posted by Harvey at March 30, 2004 09:34 AM

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Dang! The Jellocuzzi smeared my bady paint again! Guess I'll just have to slip into the red teddy and hope the drycleaner gives discounts...

posted by Susie at March 30, 2004 11:42 AM

---

How about a wet cleaner, Suze?

(shakes tonic dispenser....)

They say this stuff takes out any stains....

(starts hosing down Susie...)

posted by J. Fielek at March 30, 2004 12:19 PM

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Bring your Sprite on over here, Maniak... theme tune to Schindler's List?.. sheesh... play along with THIS ONE, babe... it's about time for you to learn some NEW music...

posted by eric at March 30, 2004 01:31 PM

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Ok, I'll give it a whirl.

*Twang*

Let me try that again.

*TWANG*

DAMMIT!

posted by hM at March 30, 2004 03:22 PM

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...that's OK, Maniak... just strum along with me on THIS ONE... dedicated to the COTBBabes...

....Guys, be sure to join in on the CHORUS..

..and Ladies... especially Goldie, LeeAnn, Tiffany, Dana, Susie, and Emma... feel free to dance on any elevated horizontal surface...

posted by Eric at March 30, 2004 04:20 PM

---

So Harvey asked me to come over here and replace the pool table, and what do I find? A Party!

Someone help me with this thing, will ya?
(Dragging new table into place...) Grunt!

Whew! That's thirsty work. I believe I'll knock off for the day and have a....Double Black Jack and a beer back. I wonder if I'm going to like this place?

posted by Johnny - Oh at March 30, 2004 06:55 PM

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Johnny - Oh... we'll treat you so many different ways over here that you're bound to like one of them. Enjoy the hot women and cold beer while either lasts.

posted by Madfish Willie at March 30, 2004 07:39 PM

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Yo, hM - how's about we "break" in the new pool table?

wink wink nudge nudge know-what-I-mean? :)

posted by _Jon at March 30, 2004 08:43 PM

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Thanks Willie. This place looks like fun, so I'll stick around as long as it's open.

_Jon: Hey! I brought the table, so shouldn't I get first "crack" at it? Besides, I left 50 cents on the rail for first game!

S...who's "Rack"ing?

posted by Johnny - Oh at March 30, 2004 09:00 PM

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Suzy is racking... as is Dana... and Emma, and Goldie, and... oh hell, they all are.

Suzie, come here... i need a little "mountain dew"...

posted by J. Fielek at March 31, 2004 09:03 AM

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I think Susie's much more "racky" than I am, but I'll slip on a bikini and walk around the edge of the pool table, flashing those big "Round 1!" cards, if ya like.

posted by Dana at March 31, 2004 09:42 AM

---

Johnny-Oh - welcome to the party boy. Here's your Reddi-Wip [tosses can] Guarantee you're gonna love it here. If the Bartender ever shuts the fuck up & starts serving drinks, that is...

hM - wanna see a really neat trick you can do with a broken guitar string? I learned it in a Bangkok whorehouse...

LeeAnn - so how's the... HOLY SHIT! What are you doing with that pole? I... I didn't know that was physically possible. That's even better than the marker trick.

J - are you asking Susie to give you a golden shower? Wow! And I thought *I* was twisted...

... let me know if she says "yes"...

By the way, Susie, if you need a teddy, just take the one off the Bartender's Inflatable Katie.

posted by Harvey at March 31, 2004 09:48 AM

---

HEY! Katie's my blow up bitch... keep your hands and lips off her!

posted by Madfish Willie at March 31, 2004 12:13 PM

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Man, back in a wet tee shirt AGAIN! Is this deja vu or what?

Sigh...

Hey! A new pool table! Cool! I'll rack 'em--somebody find the sticks...(Harvey's stick needs LOTS of chalking--I hope it's not wearing out!)

posted by Susie at March 31, 2004 02:11 PM

---

Dana. Don that Bikini! Or on second thought, I'll just make you one with this here Reddi Whip. My hands may shake a little while I'm apllying it, but just go with it. ;)

Harv. Thanks for the Whip..(Whap!) No! I mean the Reddi Whip ya freak! (Ouch) Someone kiss this and make it better, would ya?

Susie. I just happen to have a stick handy. Chalk all you want, I won't mind. ;)

posted by Johnny - Oh at March 31, 2004 04:27 PM

---

Johnny - Wooohoo! Edible bikini! Don't forget the cherries on my perkies.

*smooch* Kiss da boo-boo!

posted by Dana at March 31, 2004 05:11 PM

---

Dana - I knew there were Goddesses on this Earth, but I never would have dreamed I'd find one in a place like this! That and I never knew I had such a erm "tasteful" fashion sense. ;)

(Placing Cherry #1...placing Cherry #2) Now what in the world am I gonna do with the rest of these cherries?

posted by Johnny - Oh at March 31, 2004 05:36 PM

---

*wince* Okay, small request? Next person to clean the pole, please use something a little less...stringent. I think it gave me a rash.

Who wants to help me out with the ointment? There are certain places a girl just can't reach on her own.

posted by LeeAnn at March 31, 2004 06:33 PM

---

LeeAnn - I understand that cherry juice has wonderful healing properties. Let me just find a place to put all these cherries. Dana. A little help? Thanks you're a dear. Okay, now I'm just going to pour this juice on the pole, you do your thing, and you'll be right as rain in a few days. :)

posted by Johnny - Oh at March 31, 2004 07:01 PM

---

With God as my witness, I shan't be de-pants-ed again!

posted by Madfish Willie at March 31, 2004 10:32 PM

---

Don't worry Susie, my stick is fine. Watch this:

9 ball, corner pocket, 3 rails, off the two...

[clack]

[thuf]... [thuf]... [thuf]

[click]

[thump]

next shooter...

posted by Harvey at April 1, 2004 08:45 AM

---

Is it just me, or does "shooter" just bring up all kinds of not-PG-related images when Harvey says it?

posted by Dana at April 1, 2004 05:12 PM

---

It's just you Dana. I find Harvey to be one of the most staid, stoic, and (dare I say it) clean individuals that this blogoshpere has ever seen. In fact, your brash remarks have made me shatter my monocle in a fit of pique! Now you should get some clothes on and start acting like a proper lady.

What date was this again?

posted by Johnny - Oh at April 1, 2004 05:23 PM

---

You know, pretty soon they're going to start driving one of those double-decker tour buses past here (as this has somehow become blogumental).

If we move the pool table and inflatable mud-wrestling pit outside, we may just be able to wrangle this month's mortgage payment...ooh, here's my shot!

*flashes passing tour bus*

posted by Tiffany at April 1, 2004 10:35 PM

---

Speaking of shooting, $5 says I can hit a shotglass from 30 feet. Any takers? Anyone want to "pull the trigger"?

Tiffany - you... uh... they... um... it's... oh hell! I'll just say it: nice rack!

Hey, Bartender! Does that mechanical bull in the corner still work?

posted by Harvey at April 2, 2004 09:41 AM

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"clothes"... "on"...

Does not compute.

posted by Dana at April 2, 2004 10:25 AM

---

Anyone else's stick need chalking? I'm on a roll (actually I think it's a bedroll that Mike the Marine left when he shipped out--I'm sure he won't mind if we use it since LeeAnn gets a group discount at the dry cleaners...)

posted by Susie at April 2, 2004 11:58 AM

---

Dana - Sorry about that. I didn't mean to "Blow" your processor.

Tiffany - I'll be happy to drag the pool table out front, but I will expect some champagne room time for the effort. ;)

Susie - I'm willing to set up my "Sensual Car Wash" outside if you help out with the "Sponging".

posted by Johnny - Oh at April 2, 2004 04:25 PM

---

"The only two things in life that make it worth livin...
are firm fellin wimmin and...
firm feelin wimmin...."

~Madfish Willie (1976)

posted by Madfish Willie at April 2, 2004 04:39 PM

---

Susie, my Meucci needs a bit of chalk... oh... wait... *blush*... you weren't talking about THAT kind of stick....

...whew... I need another drink... BARTENDER!!! Macallan... FAST....

posted by Eric at April 2, 2004 06:53 PM

---

We need some friggin pings over here guys - what the fuck? Goldie's on the way and wants to see some real action... not this lame ol' shit you been tossin round... sitting around, pullin your pud while Susie does all heavy lifting...it's time to get NASTY!

posted by Madfish Willie at April 2, 2004 09:03 PM

---

:: enters wearing leather bustier ::

:: whipcrack ::

You rang?

posted by Emma at April 2, 2004 10:30 PM

---

WooHoo... Emma... beat me, whip me, pich me till I bleed!!1! What else you wearing?

posted by Madfish Willie at April 2, 2004 10:40 PM

---

*looks around*
Umm, I might be lost... Anyone seen Goldie? I umm, yeah, tell her I'll meet her by the bar.

posted by daniel at April 3, 2004 12:45 AM

---

Daniel: you're in the wrong place... all the real action is in the Champagne Room! Remember... There is NO sex in the Champpagne Room!

Just watch your step... what with all the whhipped cream, bar-b-que sauce, hot sauce, spoog, jizz, love juice etc all over everything. Maybe you should put some rubber boots on.

posted by Madfish Willie at April 3, 2004 09:03 AM

---

Rubber boots? Hell, he's gonna need a wetsuit.

posted by Harvey at April 3, 2004 09:51 AM

---

Somebody wake up the firemen...they can probably hose the place out and we can start over...Dang! Trey took one home! Engine Company 3 isn't a complete set anymore! Bummer....

posted by Susie at April 3, 2004 03:27 PM

---

*puts on patent rubber studded crotch-less wading pants*

I guess I'll just poke around...

posted by daniel at April 4, 2004 12:55 AM

---

daniel - If you're not gonna shield Mr. Happy, what's the point? But as long as you're poking....

posted by Dana at April 4, 2004 09:39 AM

---

I didn't find Goldie, but I *did* find her Rubber Ducky:

http://www.sassyroad.com/zoomin.asp?productid=202017&subdepartmentid=01&departmentid=01&offset=8

Hmmm... his poor beak's been worn down to a nub.

posted by Harvey at April 4, 2004 10:28 PM

---

*sniffle* Who took the little pink umbrella out of my Rolling Rock?

If I have to go back to the dollar store for more, I'll have to flash another bus for change :(.

posted by Tiffany at April 5, 2004 09:07 PM

---

...awww... Tiffany... don't be sad, baby.... I think I saw some of those plastic umbrellas over in the storage closet.. c'mon... help me look... ;)

posted by eric at April 6, 2004 06:22 AM

---

Tiffany - don't listen to Eric, it's just a trick to get you in the closet so he can try something naughty.

And if you do go in, try not to block the lens on the infrared spycam.

posted by Harvey at April 6, 2004 09:30 AM

---

Back from vacation...whew, spent ten days getting the liver back into shape and...

*looks around MFW's in awe*

What the HELL HAS BEEN GOING ON IN HERE?!

No, Harv, I would rather not use the blacklight as further proof that you all have gotten way out of control in my absence.

BTW, the harness from the Parasailing Club in Florida gave me a few ideas. I brought one along to hang from the ceiling...just let me whip this out.

*brings out a screwdriver*

There. Who's first?

posted by Blackfive at April 6, 2004 11:16 AM

---

HAve you noticed that there aren't many recent post from the COTBB's. Well not to brag, but after a few round's of "pocket Pool with Johnny" they all ran screa-uh, are all too exhausted to participate. I would say that I'm sorry, but that would be a rotten lie. Whenever you are ready for round 2 ladies, I'm sure I'll have a dry pocket for you, but don't expect yours to be for long. ;)

posted by Johnny - Oh at April 6, 2004 09:08 PM

---

Move, Eric, damnit! I can't hear! What did that Johnny cat just say? My ear is clogged for some reason...

And Harvey said there's a mechanical bull...where's the bull? I want to ride!

posted by Tiffany at April 6, 2004 09:30 PM

---

Heh. It's always the shy, quiet ones up for the biggest adventure. Anyway, Tiffany, the mechanical bull is in the corner. Mount up & I'll turn it on.

By the way, did you want the regular saddle, or the one with the *ahem*... let's just call it an "extra saddle horn".

Johnny-Oh's right, those CotBB's are MIA. I'll go check the Champagne Room and douse the layabouts with a bucket of icy cold Zima.

So hold tight, Matty, I'll get you a partner for your harness...

posted by Harvey at April 7, 2004 09:57 AM

---

Tiffany: I'll be happy to offer my services as "Saddle Horn". I wouldn't want you to get lonely up there.

Harvey: Make sure you set the bull on "Puree", will ya?

Now where the hell are my spurs?

posted by Johnny - Oh at April 7, 2004 02:03 PM

---

I always used to swing the highest at the playground, so let me at Matt's new toy!

Open up a window Johnny, let me catch my breath...

Harv--that Zima was freaking freezing!!!!! Just for that, NO spanking for you!!!!

posted by Susie at April 8, 2004 12:41 AM

---

{sits in corner}
{watches the circus}
{chuckles to self}
{sips diet coke}
{chuckles some more}

posted by SpaceMonkey at April 8, 2004 01:19 AM

---

Hey, what flavor jello is this in the wading pool? Raspberry or strawberry? Guess I have to find out for myself...... Susie? Tiffany? Come take a look at this.
Come closer.
Closer.
*shove*
Oopsie. :)

posted by LeeAnn at April 8, 2004 08:39 AM

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I just hope everybody realizes the irony of the fact that we - and this place - have all pretty much given the the lie to that "uptight conservatives" meme. Debauchery is so much more fun! Messy, granted, but fun!

Speaking of messy, I called a friend and had him install a carwash out back. I've always wondered what it'd feel like to have those wet nylon straps slapping my wet, exposed skin. And I saw a tricycle in the parking lot (Johnny? Yours?) so I'm gonna go give 'er a run-through. I just hope somebody's prepared to kiss the booboos when I'm done.

posted by Dana at April 8, 2004 09:28 AM

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Johnny-Oh - Hmmm... no puree setting... we'll try "Texas Twister". Power on...

Susie - I don't need a spanking, I'm gonna have a bruise from where your perky popped up & poked me. Guess that Zima was REALLY cold. Mheh.

Space Monkey - catch! [throws a can of Reddi-Wip]. Looks like LeeAnn, Susie & Tiffany are gonna be having a 3-way jello wrestling match. Go top them off. Oh, and here's a microphone. You can do the color commentary.

Dana - rest assured, I will kiss anything you want as often as you want, whether it has a boo-boo or not ;-)

posted by Harvey at April 8, 2004 09:47 AM

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::coming out of the beer cooler:: Whew. Finally found the Guiness keg. For some reason, it's only half full. ::burp:: Sorry I took so long but... uh, am I still in the right place? Let's see:
1) sticky tables- check
2) perverted comments by Harvey- check
3) SpaceMonkey quietly observing- check. Hey, got an extra Diet Coke?
4) the Bartender is here- huh? Guess I've missed a lot.

posted by physics geek at April 8, 2004 09:47 AM

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[saunders in and looks around curiously]

Someone told me this place has a bull that needs ridin'. Oh, there it is. Why is that hot chick sitting on it backwards? Hey! That thing's not plugged in!

[finds plug and looks around for a outlet without any puddles nearby.]

posted by Dave at April 8, 2004 12:50 PM

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Susie: I'd love to open a window for you, but that where I put the camer-uh...but they're stuck. ;)

Dana: If that tricycle had Fire-stripes it was mine...and if you were looking for "wet slapping" sensations, I'm always available. Hell I'll even ride you through the car wash. I mean, give you a ride through...Nah I liked it better the first way. I'm stuck in permanent pucker for any boo boo's you may have.

Harvey: Texas Twister sounds good, but ins't there a Tennessee Tornado setting on that thing?

Dave: There aren't any "outlets" without "puddles" around here. Just plug it in. It's only 220v, can't hurt for very long.

posted by Johnny - Oh at April 8, 2004 07:50 PM

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Sorry I just had t... Three Hunnert

posted by Johnny - Oh at April 8, 2004 08:13 PM

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*Tosses a feeble handful of confetti at Johnny*

The bull's stuck...I think I broke it.

posted by Tiffany at April 8, 2004 08:24 PM

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Tiffany: Luckily, I happen to have a spare "four and a quarter horse Griggs and Stratten" that you can ride. Not as much fun as the bull, but any port in a storm right?

I'll break out my "tool belt", and see if I can fix 'er up for ya.

posted by Johnny - Oh at April 9, 2004 11:08 PM

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Physics Geek - Hey, if you snuck one of your yummy home-brews in with ya, toss it over this way. I won't tell the Bartender that you're undercutting his business.

Johnny-Oh - So YOU were the guy in the K-mart parking lot hitting on Tiffany...:

http://www.blownfuse.us/index.php?id=P339

Hmmm... let's see, no Tennessee Tornado, but there is an Trailer Park Trasher setting.

And WHY is there an empty stripper-pole? Don't make me get on that thing myself...

posted by Harvey at April 10, 2004 07:25 AM

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sorry I took so long to arrive *ahem*, I was looking everywhere for my rubber ducky! I see arvey found it and erm... put it to good use.

*wipes the not-so-buzzing ducky*

I think he's out of betteries already.

Poor daniel, I left him in the champers room all by his lonesome. hope those 'chaps' came in handy ;).

meanwhile, Harvey did you mention a pole?

*slips on her stilettos*

posted by goldie at April 11, 2004 02:48 AM

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BARTENDER! Goldie's mounting the pole. Get me a bucket to drool in!

And maybe a bucket of Guinness.

And a bucket of chicken wings if there are any left on the grill.

And a dry chair to put next to the stage.

posted by Harvey at April 11, 2004 12:37 PM

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"Garcon! Another bucket for Monsieur!" and while you're at it, drag a few more over this way as well. I'm sure that watching Goldie on the pole will have me leaking all sorts of liquids in very short order!

Harvey: I would never hit on Tiffany like that...Aw who am I kidding? I'd hit on her if she was in a bathrobe and rollers, with her husband in the next room! :)

Tiffany: I believe I've got the Bull fixed. Up for another ride? I've heard that the "Trailer Trash" setting is hard to beat.

posted by Johnny - Oh at April 11, 2004 05:38 PM

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...wow... well, since Goldiedear is gonna give take the pole and give us a dance, I guess I should play some appropriate music... Maniak? Get over here, girl... you might learn some licks....

...and Goldie... baby, the only thing hotter than a Red Hot Chili Pepper... is Goldie in stilettos.... Take it away, Babe...

posted by Eric at April 11, 2004 07:26 PM

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Damn, Eric, I have to admit you have THE best knack for picking music appropriate to the moment. If Goldie can do even half the dance she was doing in my head while I was listening to that song, my bucket's gonna be full in no time.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna man the Reddi-Wip cannon.

And is there any Zima left? Too many babes in dry T-shirts around here.

posted by Harvey at April 12, 2004 08:33 AM

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*crickets*

Fine! I'll just get the fucking Zima myself

[rummages around behind bar]

[pops caps off 2 bottles]

[shooka, shooka, shooka]

Hey LeeAnn, look over here!

*FSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHTTTT!*

Better.

posted by Harvey at April 13, 2004 09:46 AM

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Damn... looks like everyone's about all fucked out over here... time to close 'r up 'n hose 'r down... 'n get ready for the next party.

posted by Madfish Willie at April 13, 2004 12:59 PM

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HELL NO I WON'T GO! HELL NO I WON'T...

[WHACK!]

[Harv slips to floor unconscious, as the Bartender slips a slightly bloody blackjack back into his pocket]

posted by Harvey at April 14, 2004 07:38 AM

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[Drags Harvey out to taxicab and sends him home.]

Time to go sober up, folks :).

posted by Tiffany at April 14, 2004 09:43 PM

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« Shut your pie-hole!

---

LOL - I commented over on Harvey's link to you and the story. I was in a rush at the time - can one be rushed and verbose at the same time? Anyhow, you can wander on over an have a look if you like. Thanks for the heads up on the story!

Remember - they're just jealous.

posted by Teresa at January 20, 2004 06:15 PM

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Ah, the transnationalists are at it again. They've conveniently forgotten the meaning of the word, "sovereignty".

Legally, they can come vote in our elections after they apply for, and are granted, citizenship in the United States, which means that they get to forswear allegiance to any other state or potentate. Once they're brother and sister citizens, they can have a say in the way we do things.

The irony is that what they don't realize is that they're unconsciously trying to involve themselves in the very thing they damn us for: our republic.

JMHO, of course. :)

posted by Linda at January 22, 2004 05:58 PM

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« Shut your pie-hole!

---

/me breaks out in spontanous poetry...

Susie Lee done fell in love
She planned to marry Joe
She was so happy about it all
She told her pappy so

Pappy told her Susie gal
You'll have to find another
I'd just as soon your mom don't know
But Joe is your half brother

So Susie puts aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will
But after telling her pappy this
He said "there's trouble still"

You can't marry Will my gal
And please don't tell your mother
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is you half brother

But Mama knew and said "my child"
Just do what makes you happy
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy

posted by Marty at January 19, 2004 02:11 PM

---

« Shut your pie-hole!

• Moved Madfish Willie group up underneath The Rott logo
• Posted the Madfish Willie Baby Picture
• Listed the sites Madfish Willie HammerHead Blog Design has completed to date
Listed some Attaboys from the site owners Posted a PayPal account for HammerHead Blog Design. You can also tip out The Bartender here.
• Re-worked all my link groupings. The labels speak for themselves. I'm not finished with this part yet so be patient.
• Posted a group of links for the Corner of the Bar Gang, complete with brand new logo designed by pamibe.
• Posted a group of links for the Corner of the Bar Babes, complete with brand new logo designed by pamibe.
• Made a new group for Frnak complete with absolutely no linkage!
• Posted a new grouping called Juicy Drinks of sites that I think look really cool. I need to add to this one so don't give me any shit if your site isn't up here yet.
• Combined all my archive thingys into one group. I like it a lot better this way. what do you think?
• Deleted the Recent Posts group. Hey they were all still on the page. Maybe I could insert it and pull up the 10 posts that have just gone off the page?
• Put all my affiliation logos together after the links. And I joined the Axis of Martinis and United Socierty of Unusually Responsible People.
• Insert a new group for site credits with my blog host Pixy Misa, banner designer pamibe, and site designer HammerHead.
• Grouped all the goofy site related stuff together at the bottom.

Shit, that was a pretty major undertaking. Anyway, I like the new ordering.

Almost forgot!! I changed the Christmas background image to a New Years Eve background image! That's it... until next time....

« You're cut off!

---

By god, this joint is lookin' damn near respectable...

... guess I won't be hanging out *here* anymore. I've got my reputation to think of.

And when ya gonna clean the cum-stains out of the Champagne Room carpet?

posted by Harvey at December 29, 2003 10:32 AM

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Hey, Bartender, you sidebar shows up properly for us Mozilla users now! Nice job!

Hey Harvey! I knew a guy who had a dog named "Stains". That way, he could say "Come, Stains" in mixed company...

posted by Paige at December 29, 2003 02:17 PM

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If I could only get shtml to work with archives...

posted by pylorns at December 29, 2003 10:14 PM

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« Shut your pie-hole!

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Welcome home!! The first two shots are on me. Heh.

posted by margi at December 19, 2003 09:01 PM

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Body shots! Woooohooooooo!!!

posted by Dana at December 20, 2003 12:22 AM

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Test strike

go to hell Harvey!

bold italics underline Eject!³ H₂O

thanks to Pixy Misa for pointing the way out of the wilderness

posted by The Bartender at December 20, 2003 12:32 AM

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Dana's offering body shots? I'm next!

Welcome back Bartender, ya lazy, no good loafer. And pass the pretzels.

posted by Harvey at December 20, 2003 07:24 AM

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Welcome back, Bartender, I was starting to get the DT's....so, I'll have a Scotch and Water..iffin it ain't too much trouble...

posted by Eric at December 20, 2003 07:46 AM

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Except for me? Hey, I wasn't the one who went to the can and forgot to come back!

posted by Victor at December 20, 2003 08:59 AM

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Yeah.... greeting and salutations, yadda yadda. Enough small talk - POUR!

posted by Mike the Marine at December 20, 2003 12:33 PM

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Welcome back! I'll take something with Kahlua...

posted by pam at December 20, 2003 06:26 PM

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don't lie.. you weren't out of town.. you were found nekked in a motel 6 with some strange looking ewok standing next to you...

posted by pylorns at December 22, 2003 10:43 AM

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« Shut your pie-hole!

---

Ok, Firebird 0.7 only has a couple of glitches ... but one of them is prety huge. Your sidebar, links and all appears under all the posts... go figure.

There are also the usual inconistencies with border widths but Moz users will be used to that.

Mozilla 1.5 has the same problems.

Opera 7 - same problems.

Safari - I could care less ... but i should imagine it'll have the same problem.

God work on the xHTML though and all the best getting it sorted

posted by robert at December 9, 2003 04:12 AM

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First a general nIm, Bartender.

Second - you deleted the guest map? Why don't ya just nuke Chicago while you're at it? You've destroyed America!

Other than that, the place looks ok.

posted by Harvey at December 9, 2003 10:09 AM

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I only had like twelve entries anyway, it's not like it was Helen's map with a list of 1432 from all over the planet. Besides, I just have to figure out why it didn't make it through the validator, then I'll put it back up.

Robert, I wonder if the sidebar thing is because I use a float in the positioning? If I used absolute positioning, it should go where I put it right?

posted by The Bartender at December 9, 2003 12:32 PM

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Your "sidebar" has always been at the bottom under the posts for me, with both Mozilla and IE 5.5ish. Otherwise, the site looks the same for both! great job!

posted by Susie at December 9, 2003 10:48 PM

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Here are some Mozilla errors I captured with version 1.7a

Error: event is not defined
Source File: http://madfishwillies.mu.nu/archives/008102.html
Line: 106

Error: this.innerDiv has no properties
Source File: chrome://xbl-marquee/content/xbl-marquee.xml
Line: 234

Error: document.parentWindow has no properties
Source File: http://madfishwillies.mu.nu/archives/008102.html
Line: 354

posted by Thomas at January 12, 2004 01:32 AM

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Mozilla sucks ass. Get opera and forget about it.

posted by wde at February 8, 2004 11:27 PM

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Mozilla sucks ass. Get opera and forget about it.

posted by wde at February 8, 2004 11:29 PM

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« Shut your pie-hole!

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Damn, tell me how to do that. Seems my site actually looks like crap on some people's computers, while many who see it the way it is meant to be seen only think it looks crappy.

posted by Tiger at December 8, 2003 07:30 PM

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« Shut your pie-hole!

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Susie is spying on us. IM me Susie!!

posted by The Bartender at December 5, 2003 01:30 AM

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Shall I test ping too? I ping rather well if I do say so myself.....

posted by Susie at December 5, 2003 01:50 AM

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Ha! My pings went through!!!!

posted by Susie at December 5, 2003 02:02 AM

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WooHoo!

We have formatting buttons now! Do they work?

Let's see...

Bold... Italics... Underline... Link...

posted by The Bartender at December 5, 2003 11:07 PM

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What about blockquotes and strike?

Strike? We don't need no stinkin strike!

posted by The Bartender at December 5, 2003 11:10 PM

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What do you think about the cool new logo in the comments? Wanna know how i did that... just ask... or send me an e-mail!

posted by The Bartender at December 6, 2003 12:55 AM

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« Shut your pie-hole!

---

Looks great to me using Mozilla 1.5.

posted by Paige at November 22, 2003 05:22 PM

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Using Firebird 0.7 on Windows XP. Unfortunately, your right sidebar is appearing under your posts column.

This comments box is expanding beyond the right margin of its column too. (ie. overlapping into the grey background)

posted by LightandDark at November 22, 2003 07:58 PM

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Not to poop on your party, because I know you've worked hard on things, but I liked the other background a bit better. The gray is a good neutral, but chilly.
I wonder if there's a workable (i.e. nonintrusive) background out there that looks like champagne bubbles?
Or a nice beer color?

posted by LeeAnn at November 22, 2003 08:30 PM

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As Susie would say "kvetch, kvetch, kvetch!"

LeeAnn [with 2 e's] which background are you talking about? The wheat colored, beer bottles, or hippy Homer? What I'll probably end up doing is making the main background black crinkly paper, move this background into the outside of the post boxes. That looks really tough, but I wanted to make sure that it wouldn't bleed through as the others were doing for some reason.

LightandDark: Are you viewing full screen? My comments boxes are all lined up and there is no funky code in the ss or comments template, but I'll check again for a comment tag.

posted by The Bartender at November 22, 2003 10:19 PM

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Now that the boxes show up, you can put the beer bottles back! They were way cool and VERY appropriate!!!!

posted by Susie at November 22, 2003 11:45 PM

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Okay, I agree with Light and Dark. Using Mozilla 1.5, your sidebar is still under all the posts.

posted by Paige at November 23, 2003 07:54 AM

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« Shut your pie-hole!

---

I don't care who it is, as long as it's 2 chicks so I can make a gratuitous "hot girl-on-girl action" reference.

posted by Harvey at November 21, 2003 10:07 AM

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How about Susie vs Dana... Kate vs Margi... who else you wanna see you pervert?

posted by The Bartender at November 21, 2003 03:11 PM

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« Shut your pie-hole!

So in the spirit of brotherhood and teamwork, here you go Tom:

General Douchebaggery.
General Douchebaggery.
General Douchebaggery.
General Douchebaggery.
General Douchebaggery.
General Douchebaggery.
General Douchebaggery.
General Douchebaggery.
General Douchebaggery.
General Douchebaggery.
General Douchebaggery.
General Douchebaggery.

« You're cut off!

---

Ok, now this is worse--black print on a black background!!!! Barkeep, dearest Barkeep, for the THIRD time, it's not the wallpaper that's the problem!!! It's that Mozilla is not reading your aqua text boxes. The text boxes are invisible--transparent, if you will, in Mozilla. So while with IE the text is on aqua on sand on ebony, with mozilla the text is right on the ebony (or Homer OR the beer bottles or the straw mat you had). Now, whatever you have in the comment box is working--there's an aqua box on top of the black (or Homer or beer bottles) here. So maybe knowing that will help. I don't know. CSS is scary.

posted by Susie at November 20, 2003 07:40 PM

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The reason this matters to me is Mozilla blocks pop ups, and IE doesn't, and your site has pop up ads (probably from the polls). Ok?

posted by Susie at November 20, 2003 07:43 PM

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There are no pop up ads on this site. There didn't seem to be a problem with the old background pricture before the beer bottles and hippy homer. My suggestion would be to not use Mozilla on this site till I get whatever the problem is corrected.

posted by The Bartender at November 20, 2003 07:56 PM

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Ok. I took out the polls. Do you still have pop-up ads? I've never seen a pop-up ad ever from this site. The box color is supposed to be #faffff a real light blue/green, nearly white.

posted by The Bartender at November 20, 2003 08:11 PM

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Odd--I still had a pop up ad! But only with IE, not Mozilla. Hmmm....guess it wasn't the polls. That's the color I'm calling aqua--a real light blue/green nearly white. Guess it's more of an aquamarine, but that's longer to type! ;) If it's spywear causing the pop ups, it's only on your site! Anyway, with mozilla the print is on the straw again, which is slightly more legible because it's lighter. Sorry to be such a kvetcher! But I criticize because I love....;)

posted by Susie at November 21, 2003 11:08 AM

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I guess I went a little overboard on the googlebomb, huh?

posted by candy at November 22, 2003 01:30 PM

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Very inspiring, thankyou! Good luck to you in the future. :)

posted by Drug Test at January 13, 2004 02:59 AM

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« Shut your pie-hole!

---

« Shut your pie-hole!

---

Who knew that "assgremlin monkey face" was such a popular name?

Just out of curiosity, how often do you plan on changing your background.

And where the hell did you get the Hippie Homer pic?

posted by Harvey at November 20, 2003 11:01 AM

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I changed today because people were saying they couldn't read the blog on mozilla browsers. I got the Homer pic at one of The Simpsons I googled one boring Saturday afternoon... can't remember which one, but I have several others to switch out that are pretty good too.

posted by The Bartender at November 20, 2003 11:50 AM

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Dear Barkeep--the problem is NOT the background (it's just as illegible with Homer as with the beer bottles in Mozilla)! It's the lack of the TEXT BOXES in mozilla! With IE, the text is printed on an aqua box in a sand frame. In Mozilla, the text is DIRECTLY on the beckground, whether bottles, Homer or straw. THAT'S the problem...you need to get the boxes to show up with Mozilla.....

posted by Susie at November 20, 2003 04:19 PM

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« Shut your pie-hole!

---

Your first name is "midget porn"?

OK, insulting the bartender...I'm cut off. Just lemme finish this beer and give me my check, please. . .

posted by Victor at November 19, 2003 07:18 AM

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So, Mikhail, when you gonna start using your real name? It's got a nice bartendery ring to it.

Too bad your last name is Rotch...

posted by Harvey at November 19, 2003 09:54 AM

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Wow! I love the beer wallpaper! (Too bad the aqua boxes don't show up in Mozilla, so the text gets lost over the pictures...)

posted by Susie at November 19, 2003 05:52 PM

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« Shut your pie-hole!

Here, he beat up Subway Jarred and took all his money. That shouldn't have too hard, since that poor fucking Jarred has been starving his ass off for a couple of years.

This dollar he was trying to have sex with.

This buckwas from when he rolled some illegal aliens, the ones from Mexico not the ones from outer space. He was trying to score some ganja but they didn't have any, so he just took their money.

This one illustrates his obssesion with losing presidential candidates. He stole it from Dukakis.

This one he stole from some blogger whore after he did his "business" with her.

He swiped this one from the League of Liberals PAC (Political Asshat Committee). I'll keep this one with no shame or guilt.

He even steals money from his buddy, Blackfive after he gets him drunk!

Moral of the story: when Harvey's around, hang on to your wallet!

« You're cut off!

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Fuck you, Bartender!

If you'd actually *wash* the glasses in this joint instead of just wiping them on your grungy apron, you might get a little more jingle in your jar.

posted by Harvey at November 11, 2003 12:53 PM

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« Shut your pie-hole!

---

Since when don't we like sexual innuendo?!

posted by Jennifer at November 12, 2003 10:24 AM

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Actually, we love it. That was just a dig at Harv the Perv.

posted by The Bartender at November 12, 2003 08:12 PM

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« Shut your pie-hole!

Here's what some of the other bloggers are:

SilverBlue from Ramblings of SilverBlue: Screaming Orgasm

Darren from Cool Colorado Conservative: Martini

Ith from Absinthe & Cookies: Tequila

Gwen from Amusing Things In The House: Tequila

Mulder's Bitch from Quizzes: Tequila

Desert Cat from Desert Cat's Musings: Long Island Iced Tea

Trish from In A Bloggy Mood: Fuzzy Navel

Ninjababe from Ninjababe's Ramble: Screaming Orgasm

Leah from Snot Rockets on Ice: Cold Beer

Kelley from Surburban Blight: Zombie

JCAngst from InTheTrunk: Pink Lady

That's it for this edition of Madfish Willie's Gratuitous LinkFest.

Cheers!

« You're cut off!

---

Thanks, Barkeep! Keep 'em comin'! ;)

posted by Susie at November 9, 2003 11:50 PM

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Thanks for the link, although I am not Ninjababe -- at least not to my knowledge. :)

posted by mtpolitics at November 11, 2003 08:35 AM

---

If the bartender says you're a Ninjababe, you're a Ninjababe.

Arguing with the bartender is always grounds for getting cut off--at least it was when *I* tended bar, it was. It told me you were drunk enough to argue with the guy who's slingin' your beer.

Don't tork off your bartender, waiter, or barber. Words to live by.

posted by Victor at November 12, 2003 07:43 PM

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« Shut your pie-hole!

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Fuck You Bartender! The way you water down the drinks around here, it's a wonder I can work up a good buzz, much less the nerve to be makin' clumsy passess at the broads.

And don't forget to pimp for Susie's interview, which is now taking questions.

posted by Harvey at November 5, 2003 10:26 AM

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Yeah, where WERE all my sex questions? Am wondering if you submit any for me, Bartender...

And who is this mythical Harvey (besides a wonderful ale in the UK)?

posted by Helen at November 5, 2003 01:58 PM

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Harvey is a big dumb-ass rabbit that is constantly laying eggs in my comments!

posted by The Bartender at November 5, 2003 02:14 PM

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« Shut your pie-hole!

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« Shut your pie-hole!

---

History

It is commonly believed that the calling position of Shotgun is a relatively new phenomena. This is certainly not the case. The position of Shotgun goes back to the days of covered wagons in the Wild West. In these days of course there was very little safety from attacks by bandits, outlaws, Indians, rival settlers, etc. Of course, driving a wagon, especially during a pursuit usually took most of the attention of the driver, leaving him vulnerable. Therefore usually another member of the party sat by the driver carrying a Shotgun to fend off any would-be attackers. This position was often just as important or more important than the driver.

In today's world of automobiles and relative peace, it is no longer necessary to have a member of the traveling party carrying a firearm ... except in some areas of L.A., Chicago and New York. However, the position of Shotgun is still a revered position. The holder of this handsome position is instantly bequeathed with the advantages of additional leg-room, superior seat adjustability, ease of egress/ingress, panoramic view, vanity mirror access, social prestige, general panache, and sexual accessibility.

Today's society has generally agreed upon an unwritten set of rules for the claiming of this position. These rules are usually fundamentally the same. However, there are usually a few variances in these rules. These rules can be adapted for your own use. In the event of discrepancies, the rules of the owner/driver of the vehicle applies.

---

Rules of Calling Shotgun

1. Stake your Claim:You must shout out "Shotgun" clearly and loudly. In order for this claim to be valid, at least one other member of the party must hear it.
2. Finish The Job: In order to establish a clearly-defined time frame for the calling of Shotgun, Shotgun can only be called after the event immediately preceding the car ride. This is can be going out to eat, or visiting a friend or whatever. This is to prevent someone from calling Shotgun for an upcoming trip far into the future. This I should mention is a severe in.
3. Take It Outside: The calling of Shotgun can only take place outside. This defines the precise moment that time frame for the calling of Shotgun begins. In addition, you must be outside with the intention of walking to the vehicle and driving. The jingling of keys is usually a very good indication of this. Hearing the driver say "let's go" is another one.
   • No Barefoot: You must have your shoes on to call Shotgun. This is to prevent someone from just grabbing their shoes and running out the door to call Shotgun and then put on shoes.
   • Re-Entry: If you go outside and call Shotgun, and then go back in for any reason, your call of Shotgun becomes void, and can immediately be called by someone else.
4. Line-Of-Sight: In the event that the activity directly prior to the car-ride is outdoors, the vehicle must be completely in sight in order to call Shotgun.
5. Abandoning Your Post: If the person sitting in Shotgun leaves their seat for any reason, then Shotgun immediately becomes available for other passengers.

   Exception: If the Shotgunner leaves his seat to allow other passengers to get into the vehicle or is running an errand for the driver, they retain their Shotgun position.

6. Hand-On-Door or Ass-In-Seat: If you manage to place your hand on the door of Shotgun or sit in Shotgun before anyone calls Shotgun, you are hereby granted Shotgun even if someone calls Shotgun afterwards.
7. Multiple Cars: If there are multiple cars involved, when calling Shotgun you must specify which car you are calling Shotgun for. For example, calling out the drivers name or the type of vehicle immediately following "Shotgun".
8. In-Context: Someone can only call Shotgun, in the actual context of calling Shotgun.  Asking if someone has called Shotgun is not in itself a calling of Shotgun.  Talking about Shotguns is also not.
9. Shotgun Gladiators: Once Shotgun has been called and another member (usually larger) voices their desire to have Shotgun, the driver can call "Prove It". The call of "Prove It" forces the two to prove they are worthy of the position of Shotgun. They two individuals must now wrestle for the position and the winner is granted the Shotgun position. Any physical tactics short of grievous physical injury are employable

   This rule is not commonly used and should be reserved for special circumstances only. It should also be noted that if either of the combatants damages the vehicle in any way their Shotgun privileges are revoked for life, or at least the life of the vehicle.

10. Premature-Lift: This applies if you have successfully called Shotgun and are waiting for the doors to be unlocked. If you lift up on the handle of the door while they are being unlocked,
    thereby causing the door to stay locked you hereby void your claim to Shotgun. Shotgun is now available to other passengers to call.
11. Assume The Role: If the vehicle is forced to stop for a serious infraction of the Shotgunner, the Shotgunner must relinquish his/her seat, if the driver so wishes. Serious infractions can include spilling a beverage, failing in the duties of the Shotgunner (see Responsibilities), being annoying, breaking parts of the car, and in extreme cases, just being ugly.
12. Violations: You automatically void your Shotgun privileges for the upcoming ride if you violate any of the rules.
13. Supporting Roles: Once Shotgun has been called, other lesser seats can also be called using any of the above rules. These might be "Not-Bitch" (Bitch: the middle of the back bench seat in most cars), or "Back-Left", etc.
14. The Final Verdict: The Driver has the final say in all ties and disputes. However most disputes can more easily and fairly be resolved by a quick time-honored game of Rock-Paper-Scissors.



15. Evolution: Since the calling of Shotgun is a forever evolving tradition, these rules can be amended. However, in the event that a new rule is determined, it will not be enforced until the end of the current journey.

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Exceptions

1. Medical Privilege: In the instance, that one of the passengers may become so ill during the course of the car ride that the other occupants feel he/she will vomit, then the ill person shall be granted Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window.
2. Got Maps?: In the situation, where only one person knows how to get to the destination, and this person is not the driver, then as the navigator they assume the position of Shotgun, unless they so incline. However, they still assume the role of navigator.
3. Genetic Misfit: Should one of the occupants be too wide, or tall, or large to comfortably fit in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and grant Shotgun to the genetic misfit. However, in this case the other passengers are allowed (and encouraged) to heckle the mutant for the entire journey.
4. The Better Half: In the event that a Significant Other (girl/boyfriend, fiancée, wife, husband, etc) of the driver is part of the group, that person is automatically granted Shotgun privileges. This Significant Other may turn down this spot, at which time the normal rules apply unless subject to other exceptions.
5. Paying the Bills: If someone besides the owner of the vehicle is driving, the owner automatically gets Shotgun privileges. This supercedes all previous exceptions. If the owner of the vehicle turns down this position, the normal rules apply unless subject to other exceptions.

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Responsibilities of Shotgun

1. The Shotgunner must server as Navigator. This means, they must watch for signs, and intersections that the driver may miss. If
   directions are needed, the Shotgunner must ask. If a map needs to be consulted, the Shotgunner must check the map. If the group gets lost, it is always the Shotgunners fault.
2. The Shotgunner will serve as Lookout for the vehicle. This involves looking out for potential hazards. Potential Hazards includes stalled cars, debris on the road, law enforcement, road construction, etc.
3. It is the responsibility of the Shotgunner to take control of the radio, air conditioning, heat, etc. However, the driver has the final say over the settings. The opinion of other occupants of the vehicle are simply that, opinions. The driver may also ask the Shotgunner to control such devices as wipers, defoggers, GPS device, etc.

   If the Shotgunner is found to be delinquent in their duties by missing a road sign, forcing the occupants to listen to bad music, or allowing the temperature of the vehicle to become uncomfortable, the Shotgun privilege is lost.Of course this is all in the good judgment of the driver.

« You're cut off!

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SHOTGUN!

posted by Linda at October 29, 2003 05:01 PM

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*Leaps into the front seat & buckles seatbelt.*

HAH!

posted by Linda at October 29, 2003 05:02 PM

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« Shut your pie-hole!

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« Shut your pie-hole!

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« Shut your pie-hole!

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« Shut your pie-hole!

ISTJ - "Trustee". Decisiveness in practical affairs. Guardian of time- honored institutions. Dependable. 11.6% of total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

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« Shut your pie-hole!

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« Shut your pie-hole!

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« Shut your pie-hole!

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« Shut your pie-hole!

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« Shut your pie-hole!

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« Shut your pie-hole!

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« Shut your pie-hole!

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« Shut your pie-hole!

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« Shut your pie-hole!

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« Shut your pie-hole!