Mines a double JB - straight up.

So when you callin' time?

...Scotch and Water... make mine a double as well..

Double Brandy on the Rocks, please...

Whiskey. The cheap shit that really burns on the way down. In a dirty glass. Leave the bottle.

Don't forget the little paper umbrella.

Whiskey and coke. Something smooth, purty pleeze!

I'll have a Bloody Mary...and save the celery for your rabbit.

By the way, Bartender, pour something off the top shelf for your own ugly mug. My dime.

Good to have ya back.

You dumbshits don't quit understand this post do you... read it again jack-ass!

I'll have rum...Mount Gay...on the Rocks. thank you

mmmmmmmRUMmmmmmm

Wait... did you just crawl out from behind the dumpster to announce that you're shutting the place down?

Well then, gimme a Beam and Coke before ya go... make it a triple... two of 'em... no, the Black Label... and don't say yer out, because I squirreled away a bottle behind the beer cooler when this whole debacle started. Forewarned is forearmed, dontcha know.

Actually, I'm thinking about doing a more sports related thing after the baseball season starts... just thinking about it for now. Other than that, I haven't really decided what I'm going to do with this old thingy... who knows??? who cares???

Sheeeee-it... I care. Everybody that filled up that comments box while you were out CARES!

When did ya get so sentimental about all this?

First Rachel Lucas, then Don Watkins, and now YOU? If I lose three of my favorites inside of a month, I'm gonna cry like a little girl...

Welcome back, Barkeep! We've missed ya! (Sorry about the pool table--we'll get it re-felted for you...)

Listen here motherfucker, i'd had just about enough of your no showin, short pourin, pool table licking shit! You can either shut the fuck up, pour another round of hooch for the champagne gals, turn the station to WTBS for some America's Team ass whuupins, or Kiss John Rocker's ass.

I really dont care which.

Pick any two, and POUR you whiny cocksucker!

(PS: Go Braves! Chop Chop! Mets and Yanks are all gay anyway!)

Quit your bitching, Barkeep, and get me a Scotch and Water... we had one helluva party in here a few days ago... if you close the bar, we'll end up doin' that shit at HOME with our Wives... now, do you REALLY want that to happen?..

Fuck you, Bartender. After you get done pourin' everyone drinks (including one for yourself), just shut up & listen.

Mike's right. Did you SEE that comment party? You damn near broke 100. I've never seen that many comments on a non-political blog before. Hell, I've never even broke double digits, myself.

Now, if you want to turn Madfish Willie's into a sports bar, well, it's your mortgage, so it's your call. But don't go around saying nobody cares, 'cuz if you can't feel the love, you're just a thick-headed ass-gremlin. This place reeks of love.

Or at least jizz.

Sorry about the pool table.

sweetbabyjamesonagriddle! You've reduced grown men to outbursts of emotion. Next thing you know they'll be trying on their wives' and girlfriends' bras. I hope you're happy with yourself.

I'd like something with an umbrella, please.

And a fast vehicle.

Just passing through. Can I get a packet of peanuts?

That's weird. I broke the blog - but it was working before.

Hmph. Anyway, all fixed now.

...what pam said.

I only just got onto the babes list, and I ain't leaving until I get some more Veuve. Where else can a self-respecting COTBB go?

And bloody hell, I missed the party! So I have nothing to do with that felt...

Goldie - did you say you wanted to be felt? Hey, not a problem. We'll just have the Corner of the Bar Gang form a line & you can run the gauntlet.

After which you will be bought many drinks by your tingly-fingered fans.

*looks at devil* mmm... free drinks
*looks at angel on other shoulder* wtf? you're sposed to be married!
*looks at devil* but... you've had some Veuve...

Would that be more of the French stuff, Harvey?

Last call, my ass! Good Kee-rist. If I didn't know any better, I'd say we're on our way to another blowout.

Hey Bartender, what are you gonna do if we organize a hippie-style sit-in? "No blood for booze! Boobs are Hitler!"

Wait... where was I?

Hmm.... I wonder, can you mail Alcohol internationally? I'll take a triple of Jimmy Beam, bartkeep, and a 6-pack of Yuengling lager. Make it quick, this is a long distance call, and I ain't got time for some paraplegic unwashed bartender like yourself to take his time. =)

Here's to you, Willie, I'll slug a Kronenbourg for ya.

hehe, yeah.. Goldie, just tell us where you want the line to start... but, let's do a shot first...

WooHoo! Fat Tuesday Baby! Lets see them Titties gals!!!!

/me is waving a very large strand of purdy colored beads....

The Bourbon Street Booby Cam:
http://www.nola.com/bourbocam/classic/

Ah hell, here we go again...

[grabbing onto chandelier]

Me Tarzan. We party!

AHAUAUAUAHUAHAUHAUA!

Make mine Diet Coke...on the rocks.

The Bartender can't stifle our inebriated dissent!

Hey, ho
We won't go!
Another Double
Jack and Coke!

Hey, ho
We won't go!
Another Double
Jack and Coke! [/hippie sit-in organizing]

where are all the Ladies? COTBB's, front and CENTER!

Yeah, what Eric said!

mmmmm... CotBB fronts...

*Tiffany pokes head in door...sensing no other estrogen, backs away slowly and breaks into a run.*

How come Harvey always gets the chandelier? OOooh, tandem chandelier swinging, wheeeeeeee!!!!

*proudly brandishing her trademark CoTBB front*

TIFFANY! Get your luscious little hinder back in here!

And bring the Pleasure Paddle.

By the way, Dana, what's the funnest thing you've ever done while dangling from a chandelier?

And would you be interested in trying to set a new high-water mark in that department? ;-)

If Dana's here, I'm here. *adjusts her brand new CotBB Tshirt* And Eric, if you're buying the shots, I'm drinkin' 'em.

Is a butterscotch&baileys cowboy cocksucker known as such in the US? or is it just us pervy aussies...?

DANG, Goldie! *thump*... wow.. musta fainted for a second.. good thing I wore my cowboy boots today..

*a'hem*.. I don't know that drink, Goldiebaby, but.. why don't you come over here and show me how to make it...

*Hippy style sit in organising*
we demand that the facist oppresors *hic* grant us the right *hic* to continue our inberit inhibrea inebriato drunkeness until such time as we see fit *hic* or double, whichever comes first.

And remember *hic* the party isn't over till the fat girl cries...

Rob, their ain't a girl in the world fat enough to make this party over.

And if there were, the Bartender would probably go home with her at closing time.

By the way, is there any Reddi-Wip left? I feel the need...

*Joins the sit-in*

Is it too early for Jello Shooters? I'm giving up straight alcohol for Lent *snicker*.

Eric, sure!

*hops behind bar and pulls out two shotglasses*

So... you make sure to float the bailey's on top of the butterscotch schnapps... and just make sure not to get any on your cowboy boots...

mmm... tastes so GOOD!

...Goldie... nevermind the boots, I am in lurve with the way... that you use your ellipses... do they teach ALL the gentle Ladies down in the Land of Oz how to do that?... oh, and the drink ain't half bad either....

Jello shots comin' riiiight up, Tiffany! Strawberry, or Cherry? Harvey! Put some of that redi-whip on Tiffany's shot..

Cherry, please. And don't be stingy with the Redi-Whip, Harvey! And not that "Lite" crap, either--full fat all the way!

Well, I've heard it called a LOT of things before, but never a "shot"

*shrug*

Ok, Tiffany, hike that skirt up so I can cover your..."shot" in Reddi-Wip.

Hurry up! I want to get back on that chandelier. I just LOVE the way Dana keeps poking me with her perkies when I'm swinging next to her.

What fresh Hell is THIS?

Here comes His Imperial Soberness, tired after a long day of whacking trolls over the head and looking for a good time and what doth meet his weary eye?

Well I'll be fucked. No, correct that, I WOULD be ABOUT to, if the damn Bartender wasn't babbling incoherently about shutting the bar down, but it would seem that His Imperial Parchedness will have to waste time better spent on ordering long lines of shots on dragging the Barkeep out from behind the kegs.

Did we somehow miss the Imperial Memo stating that, from now on, Imperial Bars were allowed to shut down at their own discretion? Well DID we? HUH?

Has the Empire become some sort of anarcho-syndicalist hippie commune while we weren't looking, with people letting their hair down, singing "Kumbaya" in an excruciatingly painful off-key manner and shutting down perfectly good drinking holes in gay abandon?

Well HAS IT???

Now quit yer kvetching, you craven knave, and pour me three fingers of potato vodka, and don't even THINK about taking the bottle away, for I am wroth and quick to anger on this eve, and likely to play "Pick the Barkeep's Teeth With the Broadsword" at the drop of a hat. Or a head. Matters not to me.

Well?

Harvey - Actually, before this, I was a chandelier-swinging cherry, so I guess.. this is the funniest thing I've done. What did ya have in mind?

Goldie - Glad to see you drop in. Don't let em talk you into going into the back room to help "get some more kegs." That's a total trick. That is, unless, you brought an extra pair of panties (for after).

*frowns*

OK, ladies and gentlemen, we appear to have a problem. I've eaten all the food The food has all mysteriously disappeared, so I'm ordering pizza. Who wants what?

Misha! Good to have you by! Tell ya what, why don't you have a swing on the chandelier while you're waiting for the Barkeep to get his head out of his ass. Goldie can keep ya company (it's more fun in pairs).

Meanwhile, Dana, once you get the pizza ordered (anything but green olives for me), let's go back & get some more kegs.

Panties! Pshaw! Who needs 'em? I... Hey... are those edible?

Eric: oh yes, us aussie girls know how to work those ellipses, baby...

*pours another and shoots the shot* (although not one of Harvey's Reddi-wip-covered 'shots')

Dana: thanks for the warning ;). I was wondering why the guys kept offering to buy me beer... I just came in after a hard day's shopping and they obviously saw my Victoria's Secret bag...

Harvey: don't mind if I do! Swinging sounds like an awful lot of fun! :)

Victoria's Secret... and Ellipses... ahhh, two of my favorite things.. *pours a double Macallan*... get off that chandelier, and give us a fashion show, Goldie..

Glad to see you finally made it, Misha.. Let's talk Guns and Scotch while Goldie get's changed..

Where the shell is Shusie?

*hic*

She shaid that "we" should chain ourshelves to the bar to keep the Bartender from turning it into shome cheashy sports bar...

*hic*

*has a very sobering thought*

And, Goldie, I'd be careful where I'd leave your bag of goodies. Harv's been known to where ladies undergarments in the past. Talk about buzz kill...

Eric, I'll take some of that Macallan, now, please.

..no worries, Matty.. (Goldie's been teaching us some of her lingo).. here's a double... now, help me talk Goldie down from that Chandelier...

..ya know, this bar will make a good catwalk for the fashion show...

DAMMIT Matty! How many times do I have to tell you? It's *strictly* a comfort thing!

[rooting through bag]

OOOOO! Lacy thong!

I don't know about chains. There might be some in the champagne room. But I *do* know that the Bartender has a handcuff collection that would put the Chicago PD to shame.

No chains in the back Harv... but I did come across a stack of those "flexi-cuffs" the cops have started using. Hey! We can link ourselves together for the hippie sit-in and then the Bartender CAN'T throw us out!

... or we could like, apply them to other purposes... hehehehehe...

(Kicks in door and staggers to bar)
Did I hear something about a SPORTS BAR?!?!?
Screw that! I'll use the damn dart boards for tomahawk practice! Now if you were thinking of, say, turning it into a strip club I'd be over here helping to install the poles...
Oh yeah, make it 4 shots of Ouzo and a Black & Tan.

Did no one notice that I was asleep in that dark corner over there for the past several hours? Geez...I'm covered with unidentifiable wet stuff. Someone get out the DNA test kit!

Guns and scotch?

Well, let me tell you ONE thing: If that layabout deserter of a Barkeep doesn't get his ass around to fixing me up with some (right after the Vodka), we WILL be talking guns. Or the guns will be talking. Whichever.

A SPORTS bar???

The only sports I want to see pursued or talked about in Imperial Bars is "Boat Races" and the like.

Also, could we get some real hippies for the hippie sit-in? We need something to beat up on in case we get bored, after all.

Don't worry about it, Tiffany, I think Graumagus just spilled his Ouzo. Why don't you just towel off and show us what you can do on that bar/catwalk.

Meanwhile I'm going to flexicuff myself to something... preferably something in a 1.75 liter size and at least 100 proof.

By the way, has anyone seen the Slip-N-Slide?

The doors swing slowly open... for a brief instant, the bar is silent. A chill wind flutters the curtains. Standing before you is a tall man in a black hat and boots. He stamps his heels once to clear the dust and steps to the bar. Without a word he reaches across, past the taps and over the lower shelf to the clear glass bottle on the upper shelf, the one with the worm resting peacefully at the bottom. He removes the cork with a practiced pull and touches the bottle to his lips. His eyes flicker back and forth, quickly assessing the rooms occupants. The bottle tilts, and his adams apple bobs once as he takes a swallow. He rests the bottle on the bar, his hand still wrapped around it. His eyes seem cold and distant, focused on something distant, over the horizon, beyond the ken of the patrons flanking him. He nudges his hat back with a touch of his rough hands, and he leans on the bar. His exhaustion is palpable, a living, breathing thing that seems to rest on his shoulders like a rain soaked poncho.

"Go on about your business," he says quietly. "I've had a long day."

Hey, I heard that there was a party, and I thought I'd check it...HOLY CRAP, I AM WAY TOO YOUNG TO BE IN HERE!

*runs away*

flexicuffs, suicide attempts, guns, hippies, and slip'n'slides?? .... gentlemen.. GENTLEMEN!!... these Corner of the Bar Babes are Ladies... some of them, in the classical sense.. let's offer them some Champagne.. we can grope them later..

Exactly Eric! mmm.. champagne. Cristal thanks. I won't get off the chandelier for less.

And stop looking up my skirt.

As John Paul Jones once said, "Stop? I have not yet BEGUN to look up your skirt!"

[knocking hat off J's head]

Criminey, J! Would ya STOP being so melodramatic? It creeps me out when you bring mysterious chill winds into the room with you.

Loosen up and pour me a knock of that tequila.

And is Susie around somewhere? I need someone to spray Reddi-Wip on, and white is her color.

Sorry to be so late, all! I "accidently" got locked in the projection booth with two electricians and a case of Newcastle...

Now, who wants to play "Mistress and Commander: The Far Side of the Champagne Room"?

Oops! Here

I probably shouldn't say this out loud, but ATF might be stopping by later so if any of you gents are packing heat without a license, I've dug a hole for you out by the dumpster for you to hide it in. To whomever tipped them off: shame on you >:(. And no, I can't fit anymore guns in my sweatpants pockets SO QUIT TRYING TO STUFF THEM IN THERE! Ahem.

Miss Tiffany, I have one way to handle government agents.[pats holster like it were a good dog].

And Harvey, touch my hat again and you know where you'll end up.

Miss Susie, haven;t we met? You look just like a girl I knew in Laredo.

Tiffany - that wasn't a gun, and I wasn't aiming for your pocket ;-)

Susie - ME! ME! Pick ME! OO! OO!

Goldie- I've always called butterscotch schnapps and baileys a Buttery Nipple.

Tiffany- Got my own special "concealed" holster, no need to overload your pockets. :)

Harvey- Is that "pick" or "pickle"?

J. Filek- That is one snappy hat. Did you bring one for everyone? No? We disciplinarians might have to arrange a special time-out for those who will not share....

LeeAnn --

Sweetie, you sound like you could use a good spanking.

Spankings! Wooohooooooo!

This is like a bad-girl amusement park - ride the chandelier, slip the slide, fun with Reddi-Whip, and tall, sexy men in hats. Does it GET better?

*hops in line*

Am I too late for a single malt? I think I have a flask in my sporran if you haven't got anything good. Please forgert about the JW (as my grandfather always said: "Johnny Walker is an export scotch)

So..... is he here, or what? BARKEEP!!!

Hmm...

BAAAAAARRRRRRKKEEEEEEEPPP!!!!

I know, someone should go check the livestock...

[holding hands half an inch from J's hat]

Does this bother you? Huh? Does this bother you? I'm not touching your hat! l'm not touching it at all! Whee! Does this bother you? Huh? Does it? Not touching your hat... Heh.

Jeff, ain't you a little too young to be here? Come to think of it, ain't you a little too currently in France to be here? *shrug* Good point though - the goats are probably at risk...

LeeAnn - did you say something about my pickle & your holster? I didn't catch the whole thing, but... uh... do you have ANY idea how distracting your cleavage is?

Dana - well, there is *one* thing better than waiting in line... see that big blender behind the bar? It's got a bad motor. Vibrates like crazy. You might want to mix up a Margarita & lean in close once you hit the "on" button.

J. Fielek- Many a man has tried, and found himself facing an authority figure and saying "I do." :)

Harvey- I've never gotten a speeding ticket, imagine that.

Dana- and we have a season pass, too!

Whiskey and Coke, please!

What's going on here?

*Matty O'Tatertot walking out of the Champagne room talking to Eric*

Dude! The Bartender said the room was extra but through in the midgets FOR FREE!

SUH-WEET!

Damn, Matt... I knew Goldie was hot, but THAT was incredible... where'd they find all those midgets anyway?.. Those four-leaf clover pasties, and the midgets in the Leprechaun outfits were a nice touch, though...

and, Ozguru, it is NEVER too late for a single malt.. c'mon, Me and Matt'll buy you a Macallan...

I'm not a midget. >:( I'm just vertically challenged, although it certainly saves me on neck strain...

*pouring another from his pitcher of Louenbrau Octoberfest*

You guys are fun to watch.

If you guys just had a TV in your foreheads and could breathe through your ears, you'd be about damn near perfect.

Spork, is it better than Oregon Honey Beer? And can I have a sip?

You may, indeed have a sip, LeeAnn. And if y'likey; ye may have a quaff.

Damnit, Grandpa Harvey, I'm NEARLY 20. And that law is for people that don't ROCK THE HOUSE. Read up on yer schoolin' y'old scupperfish.

Hehehehehe... he said scupperfish.
I know, I know.. but it just sounds suggestive. Or is it just me?

LeeAnn:

I'll take ya on, sweetheart. Now be a good girl and bend over the pool table.

And a scupperfish is not suggestive, unless you're into scat.

Harvey:

Sit down, Francis.

Dana:

You may join LeAnn at the pool table. Now where did I put that riding crop o' nine-tails?

LeeAnn - Ok, I don't have TV, but I can pull in a couple radio stations on my fillings. And my nickname is SCUBA.

Tiffany - as long as you make up for in enthusiasm what you lack in height...

J - Francis?

Eric - take it easy on that pool table, big guy, they just re-felted it, and... oh my! THAT'S gonna leave a stain... a BIG stain...

I'm plenty enthusiastic, Harvey. *checks to make sure shamrock pasty glue is still adhering*

I've got a carton of Marlboro lights for whomever finds my shirt.

Wait, we're supposed to be wearing clothes? Aww, hell. :(

Get your ass back here, Madfish!!

Tiffany - I think your pastie's comin' off. Here, let me push it back on. Be patient, I'm a little drunk, so it may take me a couple dozen tries.

Dana - last I checked, the Champagne Room was clothing-optional. The only catch was "no sex". Last I heard from President Clinton, oral sex isn't really sex, so...

Beth - Don't bug the Bartender. Last I checked, he was huddled under the desk in his office, mumbling "my poor bar" over & over again

Does anyone here know how to make a beer bong?

Harv- I'll have the beer bong working in a few seconds. Now I know why you remind me of Wil Farrel (Old School).

I also stole the barber chair from Mickey O'Hara's (down the street) to do upside-down Margaritas. There is absolutely no reason for a self-respectin' Mick bar to have Margaritas (Tequila, sure. Margaritas, no.).

Hey, Eric, what's our Fire Engine count up to now? The record is 6 calls to the fire department by the neighbors. I can set off a few more explosions if that will help (and, no, Harv, I ain't talking about those kind of explosions).

Fire engines? We don't need no steeenkin' fire engines. We need to padlock the door because the busybody biddy that lives upstairs has been making noise complaints...next thing you know SWAT will be beating down the door with a big stick.

Damnit...why does EVERYTHING seem like inuendo when Harvey's around?

Mmmmm, upside down margaritas, I love those.
I got thrown out of Mexico once after an afternoon of upside down margaritas.

*finally stumbles out of the champagne room*

Eric and Matty, you never told me clothing was optional. I'm never going to get these stains out...

Think I'll join you for that Margarita LeeAnn. That is if you've had your spanking already... When's the spanking to begin J? Huh?

Hey, let the SWAT guys join in, too! I love a man in uniform. Especially if he has cuffs.

Damn. Just damn. I think I'm going to have to get the video camera and release forms out of the car...be right back! Wait--really guys, where's my shirt?

Phhhhft the Atf...
Alcohol, tombacco, firearms, & explosives should be the name of a damn STORE, not a government agency.
Hey! That calls for some scotch....

Scupperfish IS suggestive, at least I meant it to be...

But you know you're going down the wrong hole when you start making a horny 19 year old sick, huh?

Jeese Harve....

Sorry, Goldie... let's go over here in the broom closet... there is a sink in there, and I'll help you wash those stains out... *blush* sorry about those stains babe.. I got a little too excited... shamrock pasties will do tht to a guy..

Matt, I've only seen 4 fire engines so far... but, after watching Goldie's performance... and LeeAnn shooting tequila... and Tiffany's enthusiasm... I have to ask..

"it that cannonfire, or the beating of my heart?"

Four fire engines? I've only got seven firemen over here! LeeAnn! Have you got some of my firemen?

First, Congratulations to Susie for being the lucky 100th commenter. As a reward, I will put on this fireman's hat and give her "scuba" lessons.

Could somebody find me a bottle of Hershey's chocolate syrup, please?

*burp*
Uh... no.... No firemen here. Nope.
Has anyone seen my toothbrush?

....mmmmm...Hershey's syrup! Find some fresh Reddi-Wip and you'll make me forget the firemen....

A Susie-sundae! Don't forget the cherry, Harv. And we wanna see you twist the stem into a knot with your tongue.

Oh, that's my cue, Dana.

Now, will a double bowline on a bite do?

ah so that's the unexplained stain on my erm... top. Hersheys! The sauce is back in the champagne room Harvey, with the reddi-wip. I'll just get it for you...

*grabs a couple of lost and confused firemen on the way*

Oh before I disappear, those shamrock pasties were delicious Eric. I'd love to eat them with you again one day...

LeeAnn, I found your toothbrush in the CR too! Better come get it hon, these firemen are getting antsy...

Goldie- thanks... it was my favorite one, with Spongebob on the handle. :)
Susie- I promise to bring 'em back in the same shape I found them.
Harv- I'll race on cherry stem tying...my record is 13 seconds.
Is there any reddi whip left? I think both Jeff and J need some decorating.

Crap...no more Redi-whip, but I raided Martha Stewart's studio kitchen and found this stand mixer and quart of heavy cream. All we need now is a little sugar...come here Harvey!

Oh bewitching elixer how I love thee! Yay, booze.

Oh Tiffany, YOU'RE the sugar in whipped cream of this party. And don't use that crappy Martha Stewart mixer. Use the Bartender's shaky old blender. Talk about good vibrations!

LeeAnn - go easy on Jeff... I don't think he's ever been Mrs. Robinsoned before. Break him in gently.

Susie - now that you mention it, let me go out to the car. I usually carry a case of Reddi-Wip in the trunk. Never know when I might accidentally drive through Indiana ;-)

... LOOK EVERYBODY! An entire case of Reddi-Wip! Grab a can & have fun!

Tiffany, you can stop messing with the Bartender's blender... Tiffany?... TIFFANY!

Great, Harv!

And I found this Twister game and half a pizza under the couch in the champagne room. The pizza's kind of soggy.

*Mike the Marine slurs something about pizza and commies*

Hey! Who wants to play Clothing-Optional Twister?

*all the firemen run to play Twister with Trey*

Oh. Sorry Suze.

Where's that Macallan, Eric? Eric?

...I believe I'm about all Redi-Whipped out.. heh... besides, I need to find a quiet corner, and digest those Shamrock Pasties...

Matt, last I saw the Macallan, Graumagus was swilling direct from the bottle, and instructing Mike the Marine how best to do "carrier landings" on the dance floor.. I think we need to start on the Lagavulin anyway...

singing:

"Jesus loves you more than you could know...

whoa whoa whoa..."

Who unplugged the blender? Crap! I guess the motor went out...is there an unbalanced washing machine around here anywhere?

Jeff - you look... different, somehow...

LeeAnn - you look... a little tired, yet VERY happy.

I'm going into the Champagne room and hosing those firemen down with Reddi-Wip. Maybe if Susie goes into a feeding frenzy, they'll turn out not to be completely g... uh, festive.

[pauses, looks at ceiling]

Huh... How did THAT get up THERE?

Hubba Hubba... Firemen! And I'm really good at Twister, too!

WOOHOO!

C'mon, Suzie! It'll be fun, I promise!

LeeAnn --

Here, put on my chaps. No, nothing elese, just the chaps.

There. That's better.

Ok, Trey--you, me and the firemen! But Harvey gets to watch...

Wandering in - very late indeed... Harvey, you're supposed to buy me a drink. Is there any left? I thought the pool table had been refelted, what happened to it? And what's with all the firemen? Looks like I've been missing a knock-down drag-out party!

...sorry about the table, Teresa.. that was me... but, dangit, it was all Goldie's fault.. how can a redhead resist shamrock pasties...

...Matt, I found the Macallan... looks like Gramaugus dropped it when he passed out in the corner...

Where's the TV? There's a race on.

Oh, wait, let's start our own racing league!

Dana, Lee Ann, Goldie, get naked and run around the room.

We'll call it "NASBABE" :-)

Amongst all the commotion, a smooth-faced noob slides quietly onto a chair at the of the bar. He softly orders a soda. Looking down the bar, he nods a respectful "Hello" to his Daddy.

He glances at the pool table, the chandelier, the half-used case of ReddiWhip, and the smiling, laughing people dancing on the bar.

A broad smile crosses his face, and to no one in particular he says; "I'm gonna like it here."

Cheers

Jeff- If you still have the energy to sing, we ain't done. Get back here.

J- I have my own chaps, and spurs too. Should I accessorize?

Teresa- I saved you a fireman, let me just wring him out for you.

Back where I used to live, one New Years Eve we did do a version of NASBABE... we called it the Bare Butt 500.
I came in third... built for comfort, not for speed.

Jon- Have a beer, and welcome. Are those trousers washable?

Thanks.

Yes they are but there's nothing on them ... oops. damn. Frontal seepage. How embarrassing.

I need someone to come over here and leave some snail tracks. Cover this up a little.

Any help?

Snail tracks, heh heh. Perhaps some dame here is coordinated enough for that right now, but I isn't...aren't...ain't? Oh. Not--I'm not.

I've been drinking for 19 straight days and it's a miracle I can still spell.

*mumbling in the corner*

I like to ride my horses
And shoot my gun
You know a cowboy's work
Is just never done
I am into basics
And I don't like fads
And I like to have women I've never had

Susie - watch? Hell! Camcorder... :-)

Teresa - Let me get you a drink. What'll ya have? Blowjob? Sex on the Beach? Screaming Orgasm? Cowboy Cocksucker? Quickfuck?... Hmmm... looks like we're all out of non-suggestive beverages...

J - NASBABE? Great! We can paint on some Hershey's syrup racing stripes! ZOOOOOM!

_Jon - respect my ass, whelp [tosses _Jon a can of Reddi-Wip] Go make a new friend.

LeeAnn - Looks like Jeff's still got a little strength left. Work him, sweetie!

Hey, Eric, it's time to get out the old gee-tar and start playing.

*Mike the Marine wakes up and starts screaming "FREE BIRD! FREE BIRD!"*

How about some drinking songs Eric?

J: ok, I'll be in your NASBABE... but only if I can ride around on some fireman's shoulders cos right now all I can do is stumble... and with at least SOME clothing on. Hey, I left my victoria's secret bag around here somewhere...

Eric: dang they was tasty shamrock pasties! Up for another round?

Tiffany: have we really... *hic* been here that long???

Harvey: I think I needs a Quickfuck. Do you think you can oblige?

Hang on, Matty... I've got JUST the tune for all you miscreants... most especially Harvey the Perv... Give me a few minutes to get the guitar tuned, and I'll have it for ya..

Where'd the Maniak go? She can play some background while I sing... but, pay attention, I'm only gonna sing this once, dammit, I'm too drunk to remember the lyrics...

...oh, and Goldie... yooooouuuuu betcha..

...ok... here goes... this song has touched my heart, on occasion... and, I humbly dedicate.. HEY!... KEEP IT DOWN IN THE BACK!... I'm trying to SING up here...

*A'hem*... anyway... this song is dedicated to the COTBB.. and COTBG members... and, anyone else who's dropped in.. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Pervy Harvey's Song... after all... he's the guy who kicked this party off...

..oh, and feel free to sing along...

..the Conga line starts over by LeeAnn.. lead us, LeeAnn!

Let me get us started by shaking these maracas....
Here we go.... *shake shake shake*, step, step, kick, wiggle booty.... step step, kick, shimmy....Come on, y'all!
Need I mention it's clothing optional? As if any of you have that much on at this point.

I love that song... day-um, it's almost up there with Lawyers, Guns, and Money. :)

thankye, Ma'am.. Thankye very much.. I don't play bars very often, but, I'm glad you enjoyed it...oh, and you start one HELLUVA Conga line...;^)

Here's the lyrics to a song I'd like to dedicate to all us COTBB... can't find the song itself to share, dang it, but we could all just change our names to Patricia for the nonce, eh?
http://www.chrisdeburgh.net/english/azlyrics/p.html#song2

Uhh, I keep losing track of who's who - and who's wearing whose undergarments. So I created a Scorecard.

Kinda.

LOL

Oh holy Grey Goose, we're doomed! Our debauchery is documented, and not just in the comments wingding!
Jon, that is darn obsessive... er, cool. :)

When I was looking for my shirt a couple of days ago, how come no one told me it'd been cut up and used for coasters?

Boy, firemen sure don't have the stamina they used to! Harvey, put down the camcorder--I need a hand here...

*violently*

FREE BIRD!!! FREE BIRD!!!

*Swigs some Johnny Walker*

I jus' wanna know where Eric found a drinking song about Harvey that mentions my hometown.

PS no Aussies drink Fosters :). It's an urban myth. But we do like shooters with dirty names. Who wants to join me for a cowboy cocksucker? Or try one of leeAnn's buttery nipples?

[coming up for air]

Eric, can you sing that a little louder? I can't hear a damn thing through Susie's thighs...

Hmmmm... [pulls out guitar...]

Cowboys ain't easy to love, and they're harder to hold...

Hell, folks, a little Waylon goes right along with this cheap mescale (and i know it's mescale -- it sure as hell ain't tequila).

Lee Ann, spank yourself with those marachas...

Here's a song from the band to the patrons:

Bugger Off!
Well you've been a lovely audience, but oh the time does pass.
So don't you all be lettin' the door hit you in the ass.
You've been a splendid audience, but enough is enough.
We'd take it very kindly if you'd all just bugger off!

Chorus:
So bugger off, you bastards bugger off! (Pub Patrons: Fuck You!)
Bugger off, you bastards bugger off! (Pub Patrons: Fuck You!)
Like a herd of bloody swine that refuse to leave the trough
You'll get no more this evening so you bastards bugger off!

http://www.timmalloys.net/buggeroff.html

J- Why in the world need I spank my own monk...er, maracas when I have all you lovelies?

*swatting LeeAnn on the caboose with his guitar*

shake it, LeeAnn... DANG!... I think I broke a string, but y'all wanna hear anymore Zevon?

oh, and Goldiedear, I found my cowboy hat for later...

YES! Spank LeeAnn!

But first a song for that leg-waxing, kilt-wearing, mama's-boy Eric

lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.us/17270

mp3(ctrl+f "scotsman unbound"): http://www.soundclick.com/pro/default.cfm?BandID=106366&content=music

[flips LeeAnn over his knee...]

What birthday is this? Aw, who the hell cares!

A- One! [smacks fanny]
A- Two! [smacks fanny]
...

Harvey, I got some bad news for you - those aren't Susie's thighs. That's a passed-out Fireman. :o

LeeAnn, if your fanny gets sore from the smacking, I'll kiss it and make it better. :)

Damn, did I miss LeeAnn's Birthday?/
I need a drink. Actually, I think I'd like a Drambui on the rocks.

Thanks.

And one to grow on! [smacks buttocks one last time...]

Next? No, not you, Harvey. Ask Trey to smack your fanny for you.

I would go next but I'm already swooning from all the

oooh! pretty bird! come here pretty birdie! don't fly--

Oh. What was I saying?

I think it's time we turned the tables.... instead of being under or dancing on top of 'em.
C'mon girls... grab a guy and spank 'em like they stole your best lipgloss!

_Jon - Firewoman. Trust me. After the Titty Bar Debacle, I check these things before I plant face. Really thought it was Susie though... *shrugs*

I *would* let Trey spank me, but he hits like a girl. I want someone who knows how to hit like a WOMAN.

Say, Tiffany, didn't you say that you knew some really bad fake kung fu? Come get me...

Fashionably late again. Well, I'll give you all a little rendition of Ode to Joy as I walk through the door.

Harvey, I'd put the fear of *insert diety of choice* into you. You can't handle my faux-fu.

Why does faux-fu sound naughty?

You'll see why when the how-to videotape makes it's way to late night infomercials, _Jon. ;-)

Hell, Tiffany, this should make the Playboy Channel at least. Cinemax if it gets nasty.

Now, bring your dancin' butt over here or i'll have to start spanking Goldie...

_Jon - faux fu sounds naughty because *I'm* here. EVERYTHING sounds naughty when Pervey's in the hizzouse.

Tiffany - ok, give me a good whack & then get your spankin' from J. Although if J were a REAL man, he could handle spanking 2 girls at once

And could someone hand me a Zima? Susie's T-shirt is starting to dry out...

Eric: you hang on to that cowboy hat now, y'hear? I'm thinking it's time for another shot...

*falls backward off a fireman's shoulders onto the defelted pool table* Ooops, sorry Harvey. Didn't see you two there. Wet my T-shirt while you're at it?

*leans over pool table* OK J, I'm ready for my spanking now... Ooooh! Tingly!

Hey, everybody! Here come the cops!

....

Oh, nevermind, it's just the midget strippers dressed as Keystone cops. Harv must have ordered them for Trey.

And, I'd never thought I'd hear myself say this, but that ZIMA looks GREAT!

Mmmm, midget strippers :)
See a little, get a lot.

Now that's the firdt decent use of Zima I've ever seen.

Susie, i've got a knee free. Your turn, too.

Thanks, Josh! I needed that! ;)

Sheesh, Harv! Did you have to refrigerate that Zima first????? Brrrr...it's nippy in here now!!!

(There's always ONE, right?!)

It's not too late to order ONE MORE screaming orgasm, is it?

::: bats eyelashes :::

Pleeeaassee??

Susie - not a problem. I got a nipple warmer right here :-O

Margi - for you, I'll make it a double ;-)

Challenge for the ladies - take this magic marker and write "Madfish Willie's has the best comment parties". But you can't use your hands.

Or your feet.

Or your mouth...

So... who's got good penmaship?...

I can shoot a ping-pong ball 30 feet.

But I don't know if I'm :: cough :: ambidextrous.

Harvey- pffft, mere child's play. What font do you want it in?

"We came, we saw, we drank.... we drank some more, we came again, and we need to recover the pool table. And a fine time was had by all."

Think we can get that on a bumper sticker?

Margi - ping-pong ball, eh? Can you knock J's hat off from here?

LeeAnn - Here's your paper, here's your marker, and I'd like that in Times New Roman, please

Oh... and you only came twice? I counted at least 3.

Margi - ping-pong ball, eh? Think you can knock J's hat off from here?

LeeAnn - That's good. Now write that in Times New Roman, please.

And I can't believe you only came twice... I must be losing my touch.

By the way, is Jeff still breathing?

Harvey, you need to patent your nipple warmers--although, oddly, I now feel even perkier...

What the hell's going on in here? And who allowed me to stop drinking just because I passed out?

Hmmm... well, at least Blackfive logged all events that took place during my coma...er... downtime. Let's see... slurred remarks about pizza and commies... yeah I've done that before... screaming for some Skynyrd... yeah done that too...

Well, doesn't look like I did anything too out of the norm while I was in la-la-land. Hafta fix that immediately. Somebody tell me where the Captain Morgan is around here... ooh, Anchor Steam Ale! Who knew that Sodom and Gomorrah were so well stocked on microbrews?

And somebody hose me off... this week-old Cool Whip is itchy...

Harvey- you mistook an asthma attack with a smidge of Tourette's for the third one.
And I thought I gave you Jeff and told you to have him cleaned....
Oh... and that's a kinda small marker, don't you have something more inspiring?

I was outside, riding a horse with one of the Firewomen.

Or maybe I was riding the firewoman, with the horse?

LeeAnn - is THIS big enough for ya?

Susie - ya got any Zima left for scrubbin' up the Jimmie the Jarhead?

By the way, any of you other ladies got cold perkies?

LeeAnn -- It should be Veni, Vidi, Ve'll be back.

And IO'm working on a John Kerry bumper sticker -- WWAQD -- Vote Kerry!

Mike the Marine -- We've got to check your sobreniety before we give you another drink. Sing the first three verses of the Marine Corps Hymn and we'll give you a beer. Make that two beers. Three beers and ten minutes with LeeAnn on the pool table. Oh, wiat, you're a Marine. Make it a half an hour.

If he was Navy, he'd only need three minutes.

J - 3 minutes for Navy? True, but he'd be able to go 10 times, so it's still half an hour.

Anyone got something green to drink?

I'm talking about with a woman, Harvey...

Wait... just the first three verses? What about the fourth and fifth? Oh wait... there's only three to begin with... well, I remembered that much so I must be okay for another round.

Is it okay if I sing WHILE I'm on the pool table with LeeAnn? Or will my mouth be full?

Hey, guys--it's lonely over here in the Champagne Room! And just because the motto is "there's no sex in the Champagne Room," that DOESN'T mean there's no "entrance fee".... ;)

Harvey- that oughta do it. Maybe.

Mike- you might be able to hum. Forget gesturing, you'll need the paws.

J- I've never needed ten minutes.

Excuse me, I'll be in the Champagne Room....

I hope no one minds if I blockade the entrance with the pool table.
(_Jon and Susie need some "quality private time" together.....)

/woo hoooo!!!

dang, J... I didn't know LeeAnn could do that with her thighs... wow... can you breathe man?.. *whew*... LeeAnn, maybe you guys could head for the storage closet.. it's got a nice, firm table in it...

..besides.. this pooltable needs a LOT more than refelting now... heh.. anyone know who left these handcuffs in the corner pocket?

*hauls self from behind bar, dislodging small quantities of party detritius from ears*

I had the weirdest dream, there was reddy-wip, and midgets and firemen ... or maybe midget firemen, and baseball and ... and ... oh god I need a drink...

if anybody wants me I'll be in a meeting with jack ...

*slumps back under bar, fresh bottle clutched tight*

J - what would you know about being with a woman?

LeeAnn - you've never had J, though. You could go 10 days and still be waiting for the surf to break.

Eric - Thanks! I was wondering where I left those...

Anyone seen - or felt - Goldie lately? I need some "down under" assistance...

*steps over the doorman*
A bottle of rum and a coke please bartender?

Harv -- Beleive me, I know.

Jeremy -- There ain't no bartender. unless you're a termite, in which case, yes, the bar is tender here.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch... Goldie? Where you hidin'?

(Graumagus staggers out to his van, comes back in with 3 brass poles that reach from floor to ceiling and a cordless drill)
[Fwrreeeppt! Fwretetttpp!fwwrrrtt! FWWRREEEEEPT!]
Ok, I keep these in the back of my van for just such an occasion, (along with many unmentionable things in the back of my van), now we need some double jointed 6'5" strippers with double D's to go along with the nekkid midgets.......

*loud shout of pleasure heard from Champagne room*

*_Jon pokes head out of Champagne room*

Hey Harv - throw me another can of Whip, will ya'? Oh, and those 'cuffs you've got would be nice too. :)

*wanders in with a sheepish look in her eyes*

I... Did someone mention my name? Harv? I was out back trying to fix the blender. Yeah. I'm pretty gawdamm sure it's working now though... So. You require assistance down under? Just happens to be one of my specialities.

hey, Harv... Goldie's worth the wait, Bro.... wanna borrow my cowboy hat?... trust me, it adds a lot to the experience...

Jeremy - welcome to the party! Here...[tosses can of Reddi Wip]... go make a friend ;-)

Graumagus - Damn, G, you can fit a pole almost as good as Susie. I wonder if she can do three at once like that?

I don't know about the 6'5" dancers, but Dana's 6'1" & she should be back from vacation before the Bartender kicks us out.

_Jon - Catch! [tosses can of Reddi-Wip & pair of cuffs]... careful with those cuffs, they're my favorite pair... and I'd appreciate it if you'd at least rinse them off when you're done.

Eric - Sure, gimme that hat... uh... wring it out first.

Goldie - let's go take another look at that blender...

Harv- Suzanne Somers took out an injunction against me...she's tired of paying out refunds when I break the thighmasters.

Hey, 5'2" isn't midgetly!

And it's not the cowboy hat that adds to the experience, it's the chaps and spurs.

*dives into refridgerator in search of Cool Whip*

...LeeAnn... I wanna have your baby....*faints*...

LeeAnn, I want you to BE my baby. Come over here and let me slap a little talcum powder on your ass.

Graumagus - do we need to grease those poles, or it that women's work?

I'm here Harvey, buy me a drink!!! I believe the next commenter will be the big 200 - congrats whoever you are.

Harvey: How come your trackback links don't show up under my byline?

The rest of you just continue spanking the monkies...

Heh. How ironic.
The man who wants to shut the party down is #200. :) Congrats!

Oh, uhh, on a more serious note, I haven't heard anything from Susie here in the Champagne Room. She's uhh, either passed out -- or I broke her. I *hate* when I do that. :/

Teresa - You want a drink? How about a Screaming Orgasm? Then I'll have a drink, too.

Wait... did that sound dirty? Nevermind.

Bartender - my outgoing trackbacks have never worked. Don't know why. Maybe you should set up a Technorati profile on your posts?

_Jon - Susie's ok, she's just a little weepy about her March Madness picks right now. I should go give her... a little something... to cheer her up...

Just fix you fucking your blog, dickhead!

How fucking weak is that? You are proably in the class action lawsuit for the penis enlarging thingy... Enzyte from smiling Bob!

The Bartender is more fun when he's drunk - we should call him Fun Willie...wait. That's what Susie calls m...nevermind.

I thought I saw Margi running around here somewhere. One of those brass poles is for her. I just know that girl's got some moves.

Hey, Eric, this keg's empty. What say you to cutting it in half and starting a BBQ? I've got an acetylene torch behind the bar. Just watch that Maccallan around it...

Maybe, Harv could get some sand from the Champagne Room and have the girls play beach volleyball (clothing optional).

Bartender - doesn't matter if I get the trackbacks fixed. I'm never linking this shithole blog again, so you'd never see a ping anyway. Fuckhead.

Yeah, Margi's quite AWOL. And I haven't seen Pam for a while either. I wonder if... hmmm... I better get the camcorder & check the mud pit.

Speaking of which, all the sand is currently IN the mud pit. Mabye we can just set up a net in there.

And please tell me Mike the Marine didn't drink all the damn Guinness. I could really use one right now.

Beach Volleyball! It's likes skinny dippin' without the water!

Hey! Where's my mescale? Goldie? Goldie? Where'd ya go?

Hey, where did all the chicks go? I'll have to investigate this [dons deerstalker cap & whips out magnifying glass]

Anybody know what day it is? I have a paper due April 1st...

Somebody tell _Jon I haven't had that much fun since the first time I wore edible underwear; I'll just be napping here under the pool table...

::rubbing eyes::
I'm not certain I believe what I'm seeing here. It looks like my college dorm after a party: torn pool tables, greasy poles and drunks everywhere. Sigh. Those were the days. Oh well, enough reminiscing. Time for a glass of Guinness ...I'm sorry, did someone say that we're OUT OF GUINNESS? Lemme in that keg cooler! Be right back...

Whew!
I was gettin' kinda nervous about Susie! :o)

OK, well, I'm done with the Champagne Room (for now). I tidied up a little bit, cleaned the prints off the ceiling and the gooey stuff off the mirrors. I drew the line at cleaning the jacuzzi. I think that thing will just have to be replaced. Yeck! No Harvey, you may *NOT* lick it clean.

Oh, and it appears we've got some left-over fireman equipment - oxygen mask and breather, fire-proof gloves, flippers, water hose, ....

BTW Susie - I'd never seen edible underwear _melt_ off of a woman before..... it takes a lot of heat and liquid to do that! :-)

Harvey- forget the magnifying glass. Get the snorkel. But keep the hat. Mmmmm, likee.
Eric- I don't think modern genetics could handle any spawn of our loins, hon. :)
Susie- Need to borrow another pair? I got...lessee...I got lime, strawberry, kiwi-banana, and peach. Nope, no cherry..are you kidding?

Oooh! Give me that oxygen mask!

whoosh.... whoosh

Luke... I am your father!

See? I am easily amused...

Matt, the ribs are almost done... Tennessee BBQ all the way... anyone hungry?... *Dammit, Harvey, I meant for FOOD!*...

...LeeAnn... I shall stand rejected.. but content... our spawn might not be the next Einstein... but, having the next Seinfeld might be too much to bear as well.. oh... and before I start back on the ribs, I just HAVE to say.... you've some awesome turnips, babe...

Tennessee BBQ? Sucking up to the InstaBandit, huh?

Pork ribs of beef ribs? And are you makin' enough for everyone? This is a hungry crowd...

*yawning and stretching* Now that I've had a nap, I'm hungry...I'm a messy eater, though--who wants to lick this barbeque sauce off my tee-shirt?

Wait...where's my tee-shirt?

Looks like this party's got a good while to run just yet.

So, how many comments can MT take on a single post before it chokes and dies? Let's find out!

Sorry about your T-shirt, Susie, I was using it to clean the jacuzzi.

...ewwww...

Ummm... let me go out to the car & see if I can rustle up some font-coverings...

... nope. Nothing. But I did find some flavored body paint. I'll just paint a T-shirt on you.

How's that?

*emerges from dark corner, yawning*

Somebody give me a shot of Pepto Bismol with a beer chaser. Something must have went down the wrong way. *hack!*

I like the painted tee shirt idea, Harv, but first somebody's STILL gotta do something about all this barbeque sauce--I can't reach it with MY tongue....

pepto with a chaser?

You know, you just might be an alcoholic IF...

... if you've ever wished Rolaids came as a powdered coffee creamer...

... if you've ever asked the pharmacist for maalox suppositories...

Ok, Susie, I'll take care of your little sauce problem... Hmmm... this could take a while. In this dim light, it looks like your entire body's covered.

*shrug*

[dives in]

Sorry about that Tiffany. :O

What in the name of all that's holy have I sat in? Can someone come pry me off this seat? It's all sticky and lumpy and has strange protuberance..... oh.... sorry, Eric, didn't see you there.
Nevermind, no help needed here... I'll just rest a while. :)
Where's that barbeque sauce?

LeeAnn - the barbeque sauce is where you'd expect to find it - next to hot meat.

Susie - you're clean now, let's start painting... hmmm hmmm hmmm... oops! Misplaced brush stroke. Better lick that clean.

And has anyone seen Goldie? She better not be messing up that jacuzzi again. I just cleaned that.

Oh, and if Dana stops in for a pole dance, tell her not to trip over the midgets.

Sauce, sauce, everywhere, and not a drop to drink... LeeAnn, I'm ready for a few more bodyshots..

Matty can handle the grill...

...so.... c'mon over here and let me show you what Goldie taught me a few hours ago...

..oh, and Harv, the ribs, burgers, and hot wings are done...but, when you can tear yourself away from Susie... and you have a minute... can you check the weiners?... they're probably burning by now...

oh, and everyone be warned.. the Tennessee BBQ sauce is sweet and sticky... SWEET and STICKY... if it is anything other, then you better check the source, 'cause it ain't sauce.. *a'hem*

That explains my real need for Pepto, Eric. *hack! cough!*

Geez, Tiffany, you're COVERED in sauce...

Wait a minute... Eric, isn't Tennessee barbeque sauce red?

As soon as Susie's done checking my weiner, I'll go check the ones on the grill. Oh, and thanks for the great straight line, Eric :-)

mmmffgrf....sorry, my mouth was full...can somebody get me a beer? The paint's not dry yet and I'm afraid it'll smear...

Mmmmm, hot wings.... now all I need is some sort of receptacle for the Ranch dressing and I'll be all set.

Christ, it's a mess in here. Is there ANYWHERE to sit that isn't sticky, slimy, slippery, or gooey? Might be time for a call to Merry Maids.

...did I hear my name? I fell asleep in the jacuzzi. I couldn't resist the nice clean tub on my way to check out the mescale for J. Course it needs another clean now...

Thanks for the BBQ Eric, a nice hot sausage was just what I needed.

Nice paint you have there Susie, although I think Harvey missed a spot.

...is that a pole I see?

..Dana, I saw a dish of something that kinda looked like Ranch dressing.. but, it was over near Harvey.. so, somehow it seems suspect..

..you are more than welcome, Goldie.. glad I had a chance to fill you up...;).. nothing like a BBQ to get the juices flowing..

Tiffany, sorry about your upset tummy.. have some of the Maniak's Sprite.. that should do the trick..

Speaking of hM, isn't she overdue for an appearance? I'll go check the mudpit. I wonder if she knows any grilling songs?

Dana - YAY! Welcome back! And if you just lay down for a minute, you can be the ranch dressing container and you'll have plenty of hot meat dipped in you

Susie - Goldie's right, I missed a spot. *sigh* Guess I'll just have to lick you clean & start over...

Hey everybody! Am I late? I was out for a run...that lasted a few days.

Eric: What are you doing giving out my Sprite to other people? Pass me one and all will be forgiven.

Harvey: Don't know any grilling songs yet, but I did learn a simple rendition of the Schindler's List theme. Wait, maybe I shouldn't play that. Too many drunk people in here. The only thing worse than a mean drunk is a sad drunk.

Yummy - hot breasts with BBQ sauce all over them. Yes!

Oh, I ...uhhh... took the liberty of pouring a bunch of Jello powder into the Jacuzzi. It should start spitting out chunks of Jello really soon.

Harvey; I hear your song is starting on the Juke Box - "Closer" from Nine Inch Nails.

hM; I'll be in the Champagne Room - waiting. :) *BUT* - please keep in mind that I did make Susie pass out... :evil grin:

Susie passed out from laughing at your "Shorty".

_Jon - netiquette lesson: when mentioning a song, be kind to the unfamiliar and link the lyrics, thusly so that everyone may enjoy

[singing badly] "I wanna feel you from the inside"

Yeah, hM, sad drunks are almost as pathetic as aging Texas Bartenders... how 'bout a little Jimmy Buffet, that should get people goin'...

Meanwhile, where'd the hot sauce go?...

If it was up your ass you'd know.

It's over behind the... under the... what the fuck... who stoled the hot sauce again?

Two strings walk into a bar. The first string says to the bartender, "Bartender, I'll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACC~ErJ" The second string says "Pardon my friend, he isn't NUL terminated."

I got your hot sauce riiiiiiight here...

Yeah, but is it habenero?

Adn AHrvey -- Buffet? C'mon now, how about some Toby Keith?

Now to explore the Jellocuzzi...

For everyone's edification: it is NOT wise to ride the mechanical bull AND do upside down Kamikazi shots.

Bwhah.

*gives Jim a puzzled look*
*tackles him*

Did someone say Jellocuzzi?

I'll try my best to play something recognizable. How's "Margaritaville"?

*ahem*

"Nibblin' on sponge cake
Watchin' the sun bake
All of those tourists covered with oil
Strummin' my six-string
On my front porch swing
Smell those shrimp they're beginnin' to boil

Wastin' away again in Margaritaville
Searching for my lost shaker of salt
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame
But I know it's nobody's fault"

[giving Emma a friendly wave to welcome her to the party & wishing I was Jim]

I don't know the reason
I stayed here all season
Nothing to show but this brand new tattoo
But it's a real beauty
A Mexican cutie
How it got here I haven't a clue

Everybody!

Dang! The Jellocuzzi smeared my bady paint again! Guess I'll just have to slip into the red teddy and hope the drycleaner gives discounts...

How about a wet cleaner, Suze?

(shakes tonic dispenser....)

They say this stuff takes out any stains....

(starts hosing down Susie...)

Bring your Sprite on over here, Maniak... theme tune to Schindler's List?.. sheesh... play along with THIS ONE, babe... it's about time for you to learn some NEW music...

Ok, I'll give it a whirl.

*Twang*

Let me try that again.

*TWANG*

DAMMIT!

...that's OK, Maniak... just strum along with me on THIS ONE... dedicated to the COTBBabes...

....Guys, be sure to join in on the CHORUS..

..and Ladies... especially Goldie, LeeAnn, Tiffany, Dana, Susie, and Emma... feel free to dance on any elevated horizontal surface...

So Harvey asked me to come over here and replace the pool table, and what do I find? A Party!

Someone help me with this thing, will ya?
(Dragging new table into place...) Grunt!

Whew! That's thirsty work. I believe I'll knock off for the day and have a....Double Black Jack and a beer back. I wonder if I'm going to like this place?

Johnny - Oh... we'll treat you so many different ways over here that you're bound to like one of them. Enjoy the hot women and cold beer while either lasts.

Yo, hM - how's about we "break" in the new pool table?

wink wink nudge nudge know-what-I-mean? :)

Thanks Willie. This place looks like fun, so I'll stick around as long as it's open.

_Jon: Hey! I brought the table, so shouldn't I get first "crack" at it? Besides, I left 50 cents on the rail for first game!

S...who's "Rack"ing?

Suzy is racking... as is Dana... and Emma, and Goldie, and... oh hell, they all are.

Suzie, come here... i need a little "mountain dew"...

I think Susie's much more "racky" than I am, but I'll slip on a bikini and walk around the edge of the pool table, flashing those big "Round 1!" cards, if ya like.

Johnny-Oh - welcome to the party boy. Here's your Reddi-Wip [tosses can] Guarantee you're gonna love it here. If the Bartender ever shuts the fuck up & starts serving drinks, that is...

hM - wanna see a really neat trick you can do with a broken guitar string? I learned it in a Bangkok whorehouse...

LeeAnn - so how's the... HOLY SHIT! What are you doing with that pole? I... I didn't know that was physically possible. That's even better than the marker trick.

J - are you asking Susie to give you a golden shower? Wow! And I thought *I* was twisted...

... let me know if she says "yes"...

By the way, Susie, if you need a teddy, just take the one off the Bartender's Inflatable Katie.

HEY! Katie's my blow up bitch... keep your hands and lips off her!

Man, back in a wet tee shirt AGAIN! Is this deja vu or what?

Sigh...

Hey! A new pool table! Cool! I'll rack 'em--somebody find the sticks...(Harvey's stick needs LOTS of chalking--I hope it's not wearing out!)

Dana. Don that Bikini! Or on second thought, I'll just make you one with this here Reddi Whip. My hands may shake a little while I'm apllying it, but just go with it. ;)

Harv. Thanks for the Whip..(Whap!) No! I mean the Reddi Whip ya freak! (Ouch) Someone kiss this and make it better, would ya?

Susie. I just happen to have a stick handy. Chalk all you want, I won't mind. ;)

Johnny - Wooohoo! Edible bikini! Don't forget the cherries on my perkies.

*smooch* Kiss da boo-boo!

Dana - I knew there were Goddesses on this Earth, but I never would have dreamed I'd find one in a place like this! That and I never knew I had such a erm "tasteful" fashion sense. ;)

(Placing Cherry #1...placing Cherry #2) Now what in the world am I gonna do with the rest of these cherries?

*wince* Okay, small request? Next person to clean the pole, please use something a little less...stringent. I think it gave me a rash.

Who wants to help me out with the ointment? There are certain places a girl just can't reach on her own.

LeeAnn - I understand that cherry juice has wonderful healing properties. Let me just find a place to put all these cherries. Dana. A little help? Thanks you're a dear. Okay, now I'm just going to pour this juice on the pole, you do your thing, and you'll be right as rain in a few days. :)

With God as my witness, I shan't be de-pants-ed again!

Don't worry Susie, my stick is fine. Watch this:

9 ball, corner pocket, 3 rails, off the two...

[clack]

[thuf]... [thuf]... [thuf]

[click]

[thump]

next shooter...

Is it just me, or does "shooter" just bring up all kinds of not-PG-related images when Harvey says it?

It's just you Dana. I find Harvey to be one of the most staid, stoic, and (dare I say it) clean individuals that this blogoshpere has ever seen. In fact, your brash remarks have made me shatter my monocle in a fit of pique! Now you should get some clothes on and start acting like a proper lady.

What date was this again?

You know, pretty soon they're going to start driving one of those double-decker tour buses past here (as this has somehow become blogumental).

If we move the pool table and inflatable mud-wrestling pit outside, we may just be able to wrangle this month's mortgage payment...ooh, here's my shot!

*flashes passing tour bus*

Speaking of shooting, $5 says I can hit a shotglass from 30 feet. Any takers? Anyone want to "pull the trigger"?

Tiffany - you... uh... they... um... it's... oh hell! I'll just say it: nice rack!

Hey, Bartender! Does that mechanical bull in the corner still work?

"clothes"... "on"...

Does not compute.

Anyone else's stick need chalking? I'm on a roll (actually I think it's a bedroll that Mike the Marine left when he shipped out--I'm sure he won't mind if we use it since LeeAnn gets a group discount at the dry cleaners...)

Dana - Sorry about that. I didn't mean to "Blow" your processor.

Tiffany - I'll be happy to drag the pool table out front, but I will expect some champagne room time for the effort. ;)

Susie - I'm willing to set up my "Sensual Car Wash" outside if you help out with the "Sponging".

"The only two things in life that make it worth livin...
are firm fellin wimmin and...
firm feelin wimmin...."

~Madfish Willie (1976)

Susie, my Meucci needs a bit of chalk... oh... wait... *blush*... you weren't talking about THAT kind of stick....

...whew... I need another drink... BARTENDER!!! Macallan... FAST....

We need some friggin pings over here guys - what the fuck? Goldie's on the way and wants to see some real action... not this lame ol' shit you been tossin round... sitting around, pullin your pud while Susie does all heavy lifting...it's time to get NASTY!

:: enters wearing leather bustier ::

:: whipcrack ::

You rang?

WooHoo... Emma... beat me, whip me, pich me till I bleed!!1! What else you wearing?

*looks around*
Umm, I might be lost... Anyone seen Goldie? I umm, yeah, tell her I'll meet her by the bar.

Daniel: you're in the wrong place... all the real action is in the Champagne Room! Remember... There is NO sex in the Champpagne Room!

Just watch your step... what with all the whhipped cream, bar-b-que sauce, hot sauce, spoog, jizz, love juice etc all over everything. Maybe you should put some rubber boots on.

Rubber boots? Hell, he's gonna need a wetsuit.

Somebody wake up the firemen...they can probably hose the place out and we can start over...Dang! Trey took one home! Engine Company 3 isn't a complete set anymore! Bummer....

*puts on patent rubber studded crotch-less wading pants*

I guess I'll just poke around...

daniel - If you're not gonna shield Mr. Happy, what's the point? But as long as you're poking....

I didn't find Goldie, but I *did* find her Rubber Ducky:

http://www.sassyroad.com/zoomin.asp?productid=202017&subdepartmentid=01&departmentid=01&offset=8

Hmmm... his poor beak's been worn down to a nub.

*sniffle* Who took the little pink umbrella out of my Rolling Rock?

If I have to go back to the dollar store for more, I'll have to flash another bus for change :(.

...awww... Tiffany... don't be sad, baby.... I think I saw some of those plastic umbrellas over in the storage closet.. c'mon... help me look... ;)

Tiffany - don't listen to Eric, it's just a trick to get you in the closet so he can try something naughty.

And if you do go in, try not to block the lens on the infrared spycam.

Back from vacation...whew, spent ten days getting the liver back into shape and...

*looks around MFW's in awe*

What the HELL HAS BEEN GOING ON IN HERE?!

No, Harv, I would rather not use the blacklight as further proof that you all have gotten way out of control in my absence.

BTW, the harness from the Parasailing Club in Florida gave me a few ideas. I brought one along to hang from the ceiling...just let me whip this out.

*brings out a screwdriver*

There. Who's first?

HAve you noticed that there aren't many recent post from the COTBB's. Well not to brag, but after a few round's of "pocket Pool with Johnny" they all ran screa-uh, are all too exhausted to participate. I would say that I'm sorry, but that would be a rotten lie. Whenever you are ready for round 2 ladies, I'm sure I'll have a dry pocket for you, but don't expect yours to be for long. ;)

Move, Eric, damnit! I can't hear! What did that Johnny cat just say? My ear is clogged for some reason...

And Harvey said there's a mechanical bull...where's the bull? I want to ride!

Heh. It's always the shy, quiet ones up for the biggest adventure. Anyway, Tiffany, the mechanical bull is in the corner. Mount up & I'll turn it on.

By the way, did you want the regular saddle, or the one with the *ahem*... let's just call it an "extra saddle horn".

Johnny-Oh's right, those CotBB's are MIA. I'll go check the Champagne Room and douse the layabouts with a bucket of icy cold Zima.

So hold tight, Matty, I'll get you a partner for your harness...

Tiffany: I'll be happy to offer my services as "Saddle Horn". I wouldn't want you to get lonely up there.

Harvey: Make sure you set the bull on "Puree", will ya?

Now where the hell are my spurs?

I always used to swing the highest at the playground, so let me at Matt's new toy!

Open up a window Johnny, let me catch my breath...

Harv--that Zima was freaking freezing!!!!! Just for that, NO spanking for you!!!!

{sits in corner}
{watches the circus}
{chuckles to self}
{sips diet coke}
{chuckles some more}

Hey, what flavor jello is this in the wading pool? Raspberry or strawberry? Guess I have to find out for myself...... Susie? Tiffany? Come take a look at this.
Come closer.
Closer.
*shove*
Oopsie. :)

I just hope everybody realizes the irony of the fact that we - and this place - have all pretty much given the the lie to that "uptight conservatives" meme. Debauchery is so much more fun! Messy, granted, but fun!

Speaking of messy, I called a friend and had him install a carwash out back. I've always wondered what it'd feel like to have those wet nylon straps slapping my wet, exposed skin. And I saw a tricycle in the parking lot (Johnny? Yours?) so I'm gonna go give 'er a run-through. I just hope somebody's prepared to kiss the booboos when I'm done.

Johnny-Oh - Hmmm... no puree setting... we'll try "Texas Twister". Power on...

Susie - I don't need a spanking, I'm gonna have a bruise from where your perky popped up & poked me. Guess that Zima was REALLY cold. Mheh.

Space Monkey - catch! [throws a can of Reddi-Wip]. Looks like LeeAnn, Susie & Tiffany are gonna be having a 3-way jello wrestling match. Go top them off. Oh, and here's a microphone. You can do the color commentary.

Dana - rest assured, I will kiss anything you want as often as you want, whether it has a boo-boo or not ;-)

::coming out of the beer cooler:: Whew. Finally found the Guiness keg. For some reason, it's only half full. ::burp:: Sorry I took so long but... uh, am I still in the right place? Let's see:
1) sticky tables- check
2) perverted comments by Harvey- check
3) SpaceMonkey quietly observing- check. Hey, got an extra Diet Coke?
4) the Bartender is here- huh? Guess I've missed a lot.

[saunders in and looks around curiously]

Someone told me this place has a bull that needs ridin'. Oh, there it is. Why is that hot chick sitting on it backwards? Hey! That thing's not plugged in!

[finds plug and looks around for a outlet without any puddles nearby.]

Susie: I'd love to open a window for you, but that where I put the camer-uh...but they're stuck. ;)

Dana: If that tricycle had Fire-stripes it was mine...and if you were looking for "wet slapping" sensations, I'm always available. Hell I'll even ride you through the car wash. I mean, give you a ride through...Nah I liked it better the first way. I'm stuck in permanent pucker for any boo boo's you may have.

Harvey: Texas Twister sounds good, but ins't there a Tennessee Tornado setting on that thing?

Dave: There aren't any "outlets" without "puddles" around here. Just plug it in. It's only 220v, can't hurt for very long.

Sorry I just had t... Three Hunnert

*Tosses a feeble handful of confetti at Johnny*

The bull's stuck...I think I broke it.

Tiffany: Luckily, I happen to have a spare "four and a quarter horse Griggs and Stratten" that you can ride. Not as much fun as the bull, but any port in a storm right?

I'll break out my "tool belt", and see if I can fix 'er up for ya.

Physics Geek - Hey, if you snuck one of your yummy home-brews in with ya, toss it over this way. I won't tell the Bartender that you're undercutting his business.

Johnny-Oh - So YOU were the guy in the K-mart parking lot hitting on Tiffany...:

http://www.blownfuse.us/index.php?id=P339

Hmmm... let's see, no Tennessee Tornado, but there is an Trailer Park Trasher setting.

And WHY is there an empty stripper-pole? Don't make me get on that thing myself...

sorry I took so long to arrive *ahem*, I was looking everywhere for my rubber ducky! I see arvey found it and erm... put it to good use.

*wipes the not-so-buzzing ducky*

I think he's out of betteries already.

Poor daniel, I left him in the champers room all by his lonesome. hope those 'chaps' came in handy ;).

meanwhile, Harvey did you mention a pole?

*slips on her stilettos*

BARTENDER! Goldie's mounting the pole. Get me a bucket to drool in!

And maybe a bucket of Guinness.

And a bucket of chicken wings if there are any left on the grill.

And a dry chair to put next to the stage.

"Garcon! Another bucket for Monsieur!" and while you're at it, drag a few more over this way as well. I'm sure that watching Goldie on the pole will have me leaking all sorts of liquids in very short order!

Harvey: I would never hit on Tiffany like that...Aw who am I kidding? I'd hit on her if she was in a bathrobe and rollers, with her husband in the next room! :)

Tiffany: I believe I've got the Bull fixed. Up for another ride? I've heard that the "Trailer Trash" setting is hard to beat.

...wow... well, since Goldiedear is gonna give take the pole and give us a dance, I guess I should play some appropriate music... Maniak? Get over here, girl... you might learn some licks....

...and Goldie... baby, the only thing hotter than a Red Hot Chili Pepper... is Goldie in stilettos.... Take it away, Babe...

Damn, Eric, I have to admit you have THE best knack for picking music appropriate to the moment. If Goldie can do even half the dance she was doing in my head while I was listening to that song, my bucket's gonna be full in no time.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna man the Reddi-Wip cannon.

And is there any Zima left? Too many babes in dry T-shirts around here.

*crickets*

Fine! I'll just get the fucking Zima myself

[rummages around behind bar]

[pops caps off 2 bottles]

[shooka, shooka, shooka]

Hey LeeAnn, look over here!

*FSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHTTTT!*

Better.

Damn... looks like everyone's about all fucked out over here... time to close 'r up 'n hose 'r down... 'n get ready for the next party.

HELL NO I WON'T GO! HELL NO I WON'T...

[WHACK!]

[Harv slips to floor unconscious, as the Bartender slips a slightly bloody blackjack back into his pocket]

[Drags Harvey out to taxicab and sends him home.]

Time to go sober up, folks :).