Rules for YellowDog

Dog Rules for my buddy, YellowDog!

NEWSPAPERS:
If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
[or go poop in Harvey's yard... that would be the best thing to do]

VISITORS:
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
[if Harvey comes over, you can lick your balls first]

BARKING:
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark ...
[it's OK to wake Harvey up every night after pooping in his front yard]

LICKING:
Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
[if it's Harvey, you can lick your butt first]

HOLES:
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
[learn to dig a hole, poop in it, and then cover it up... or go poop in Harvey's front yard]

DOORS:
The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
[you can sleep there only after pooping in Harvey's front yard]

THE ART OF SNIFFING:
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
[no sniffing of the new girlfriend's crotch - that's my job!]

DINING ETIQUETTE:
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
[stay away from Harvey's rotten crotch or you'll be sorry]

HOUSEBREAKING:
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
[make sure to pee on the corner of Harvey's recliner first thing every day]

GOING FOR WALKS:
Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your human, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
[the only acceptable place to poop is on Harvey's front lawn]

COUCHES:
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
[or you can go poop in Harvey's front yard]

PLAYING:
If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
[if you are in Harvey's front yard, watch out for the poop]

CHASING CATS:
When chasing cats, make sure you never --- quite --- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
[chasing is not near as fun as pooping in Harvey's front yard]

CHEWING:
Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe
[or you could poop in Harvey's shoes and call it doggie art]