All Your Smurf Are Belong To Us

Hey, *I* liked it...

Pournography

Dirty pictures from clean liquids?

Some imagination required.

[Hat tip: Lynn of Reflections in D Minor]

You Look Like You Had a Rough Day

Go play some mini-golf.

World's shortest fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf
a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

Because There's Nothing Funnier Than Stick-Figure Violence

Except badly-drawn, slightly-more-complex-than-just-a-stick figure violence.

Like the Squigo series.

A Guy In Houston Shares His Volunteer Experience

Considering the coarse language, the bad writing, and the overuse of exclamation points, I can't see discussing this anywhere except at Madfish Willie's.

Anyway, my blogless brother Roy passed this along. I have no idea as to the source. Snopes has nothing to say about it.

I thought I might inform the few friends I have on my recent traumatic experience. I am going to tell it straight, blunt, raw, and I don't give a damn.
Long read, I know but please do read!!!

I went to volunteer on Saturday at the George R. Brown convention for two reasons.
A: I wanted to help people to get a warm fuzzy.
B: Curiosity.

I've been watching the news lately and have seen scenes that have made me want to vomit. And no it wasn't dead bodies, the city under water, or the sludge everywhere. It was PEOPLE'S BEHAVIOR. The people on T.V. (99% being Black) were DEMANDING help. They were not asking nicely but demanding as if society owed these people something. Well the honest truth is WE DON'T. Help should be asked for in a kind manner and then appreciated. This is not what the press (FOX in particular) was showing, what I was seeing was a group of people who are yelling, demanding, looting, killing, raping, and SHOOTING back at the demanded help!!!!! So I'm thinking this can't possibly be true can it???? So I decide! to submit to the DEMAND for help out of SHOCK.

I couldn't believe this to be true of the majority of the people who are the weakest of society. So I went to volunteer and help folks out and see the truth. So I will tell the following story and you decide:

I arrived at the Astrodome only to find out that there are too many volunteers and that volunteers where needed at the George R. Brown Convention Center. As I was walking up to the Convention Center I noticed a line of cars that wrapped around blocks filled with donations. These were ordinary Houstonians coming with truckloads and trunks full of water, diapers, clothes, blankets, food, all types of good stuff. And lots of it was NEW. I felt that warm fuzzy while helping unload these vehicles of these wonderful human beings. I then went inside the building and noticed approximately 100,000 sq. ft. of clothes, shoes, jackets, toys and all types of goodies all organized and ready for the people in need. I signed up, received a name badge and was on my merry way excited to be useful.

I toured the place to get familiar with my surrounding; the entire place is probably around 2 million sq. ft. I noticed rows as far as the eye can see of mattresses, not cots, BLOW UP MATTRESSES!!! All of which had nice pillows and plenty of blankets. 2 to 3 bottles of water lay on every bed. These full size to queen size beds by the way were comfortable, I laid in one to see for myself. I went to look at the medical area. I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing!!! A makeshift hospital created in 24 hours!!! It was unbelievable, they even had a pharmacy. I also noticed that they created showers, which would also have hot water. I went upstairs to the third floor to find a HUGE cafeteria created in under 24 hours! Rows of tables, chairs and food everywhere - enough to feed an army! I'm not talking about crap food either. They had Jason's deli food, apples, oranges, coke, diet coke, lemonade, orange juice, cookies, all types of chips and sandwiches. All the beverages by the way were put on ice and chilled!!!! In a matter of about 24 hours or less an entire mini-city was erected by volunteers for the poor evacuees. This was not your rundown crap shelter, it was BUM HEAVEN.

So that was the layout: great food, comfy beds, clean showers, free medical help, by the way there was a library, and a theater room I forgot to mention. Great stuff right????

Well here is what happened on my journey -

I started by handing out COLD water bottles to evacuees as they got off the bus. Many would take them and only 20% or less said thank you. Lots of them would shake their heads and ask for sodas! So this went on for about 20-30 minutes until I was sick of being an unappreciated servant. I figured certainly these folks would appreciate some food!!! So I went upstairs to serve these beloved evacuees some GOOD food that I wish I could have at the moment!

***The following statements are graphic, truthful, and disgusting UNRATIONAL behavior***

Evacuees come slowly to receive this mountain of food that is worth serving to a king! I tell them that we have 2 types of great deli sandwiches to choose from - ham and turkey. Many look at the food in disgust and DEMANDED burgers, pizza, and even McDonalds!!!! Jason's deli is better than McDonalds!!!! Only 1 out of ten people who took something would say "thank you" the rest took items as if it was their God given right to be served without a shred of appreciation!!! They would ask for beer and liquor. They complained that we didn't have good enough food. They refused food and laughed at us. They treated us volunteers as if we were SLAVES. No not all of them of course but 70% did!!!!!! 20% where appreciative, 10% took the food without any comment and the other 70% had some disgusting comment to say. So! me had the nerve to laugh at us. And when I snapped back at them for being mean, they would curse at me!!! Needless to say I was in utter shock.

They would eat their food and leave their mess on the table. some would pick up their stuff many would leave it for the volunteers to pick up. I left that real quick to go down and help set up some more beds. I saw many young ladies carrying mattresses and I helped for a while. Then I realized something.their where hundreds of able bodied young men who could help!! I asked a group of young evacuees in their teens and early twenties to help. I got cursed at for asking them to help!!! One said "We just lost our ****ing homes and you want us to work!!" The next said "Ya Cracker, you got a home we don't" I looked at them in disbelief. Here are women walking by carrying THEIR ****ING BEDS and they can't lift a finger and help themselves!!

WHY THE **** SHOULD I HELP PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO HELP THEMESELVES!!!!

I waved them off and turned away and was laughed at and more "white boy jokes" where made at me. I felt no need to waste my breath on a bunch of pitiful losers. I went to a nearby restroom where I noticed a man shaving. I used the restroom, washed my hands and saw this man throw his razor towards the trash can...he missed. he walked out leaving his disgusting razor on the floor for some other "cracker" to pick up. Even the little kids where demanding. I saw only ONE white family and only TWO Hispanic families. The rest where blacks. Sorry, 20% to 30% decent blacks. and 70% LOSERS!!!!!

I would call them ******S, but the actual definition of a ****** is one who is ignorant, these people were not ignorant..they where ARROGANT *******S.

The majority of which are thugs and lifetime lazy ass welfare recipients. We are inviting the lowest of the low to Houston. And like idiots we are serving the people who will soon steal our cars, rape, murder, and destroy our city while stealing from our pockets on a daily basis through the welfare checks they take. We will fund our own destruction.

By "US" I don't mean a specific race, I mean the people who work hard, work smart, have values and morals. Only people who want to help themselves should be helped, the others should be allowed to destroy themselves. I do not want to work hard, give the government close to half the money I earn so they can in turn give it to a bunch of losers.

I don't believe in being poor for life. My family immigrated here, we came here poor, and now thank God, and due to HARD WORK we are doing fine. If immigrants, who come here, don't know the language can work and become successful... WHY THE **** CAN'T THE MAJORITY OF THE HOMEGROWN DO IT!!! If we continue to reward these losers then we will soon destroy our great country. I just witnessed selfish, arrogant, unappreciative behavior by the very people who need help the most. Now these same people who cursed me, refused my city's generosity, who refuse to help themselves are DEMANDING handouts on their own terms!!!!!!! They prance around as if they are owed something, and when they do receive a handout, they say it's not good enough! Well you know what..these types of people can go to hell for all I care!

A little reality to mix with the propaganda generated by the local television stations! Draw your own conclusions but I for one am not the least bit ashamed to say...if there are healthy and able human beings residing in any shelter (in this city or any other) they should be doing everything possible to make their new environment workable, clean and free from lawlessness!!!! ...and the lack of gratitude is where I'd say...bus 'em back boys so they can steal, rape and destroy themselves NOT THE HANDS THAT HAVE FED, CLOTHED AND SHELTERED THEM!!!! This environment seems to be the epitome of slothfulness and lawlessness and from a people that should be willing to do ANYTHING to show their gratitude...right down to scrubbing the toilets that THEY use, preparing the food that THEY will eat and helping to clean the environment in which THEY now call home for only God above knows how long!!!!!!!

For those that are here with gratitude and an attitude that contributes to the vast work ahead of us all ... I sincerely hope that restoration is swift and some sense of peace restored to each of them soon!

I for one intend on taking care of "our own" first and that means Michael and Ronny Davidson, who tirelessly continue to help countless of individuals plagued by this disaster, all the while, suffering their own personal losses and requiring nothing. Alabama and Mississippi seem to be pulling together to take care of their own and have countless dead and mass destruction to contend with...hello Houston and America....there is just something ! plain wrong about what is happening in these shelters... !!!!!!

....and that's my personal commentary and not necessarily the opinion of any of the fine people that I know and call family!

God Help Us All,
Topper Russell Painton

Swimming Lessons

I was tending bar here the other night, and Harvey was predictably plastered at the far corner of the bar. He says he's a part-time bartender here, but I've seen him consume more alcohol than he ever serves to customers.

Anyhow, the owner of this dive (Madfish Willie) comes in with this huge grin on his face a few nights ago, and Harvey asks what's up with the huge grin? Willie says, "Just yesterday, I was polishing my speedboat, and, Harvey, I swear, this gorgeous redhead came down the dock and asked if she could take a ride in my boat! Harvey, she had tits out to here!"

So, I took her way out on the water, then I shut down the engine and told her it was screw or swim! Man, that was some of the best sex I've EVER had!"

Couple nights later, though, similar situation - Harvey drunk off his ass at a corner stool, but this time, Madfish Willie came in looking considerably depressed. Nothing like the time before. Harvey asks him, "Why the glum face?"

Willie says, "Well, I was out polishing my boat again, and an absolutely gorgeous brunette walks up, asking if I will take her for a ride! So, I went way out onto the water, shut down the engine, and told her it was screw or swim! She pulled down her pants, and had a dick twice the size of mine, Harvey! And... and... Harvey... I CAN'T SWIM!"

So, What's It Like Being Unemployed?

OddTodd has the scoop.

Happy Fucking Birthday... Asshole!!1!

I got some of my bitches together for a Happy Birthday Toast to Herbey...

Although I have the PERFECT pic for the currency freak, I cannot locate it right now... it's a picture of a beautiful babe in the Handmade Bikini Contest whose 'bikini' was made of dollar bills... instead, I'll just give him some more boob shots below

[NSFW - but you are supposed to be fucking around reading blogs at work anyway... so get back to work dickheads]

Buyin' A Horse

A midget with a speech impediment wants to buy a horse. When he arrives at the stables, the owner asks if he'd like a male or female horse.

"A female howth," says the midget. So the owner takes him to the stable housing his mares, and shows him his prized mare.

"Nithe howth," the midget says. "Can I thee huh mouth?" So the owner picks the midget up, holds him at mouth level, and let's him check her teeth.

"Nithe... could I pleathe thee huh eyeth?" So the owner picks him up again, and let's him examine her eyes. "Vewy nithe," says the midget, nodding his approval.

They slowly walk around her, examining her, when the midget suddenly says, "I'd like to see huh twat."

The owner looks at him in disgust, and, enraged, grabs the midget, and shoves his head into her twat. "Is that close enough for you, you little pervert?!"

The midget shakes his head, and slowly, deliberately says, "Let me wephrathe... I'd like to thee her RUN."

If You Want to Drink at Madfish Willie's, You Have to Learn How to Play Quarters

This guy can stay.

[Hat tip: I Hate My Cubicle!!!]

What's Madfish Willie's Favorite Boardgame?

BUTTPLUG!

With a name like that, do I really need to mention how not safe from work it is?

And who the hell would surf here from work, anyway?

Faith Healing Failure

A faith healer came to my town the other day. He set up the big revival tent, ran ads in the town newspaper and on our local radio stations.

Now, I don't believe in faith healing, but I do like to watch a good charlatan at work, so I went to see the show.

The guy is up there on the stage, working the crowd into a fever pitch, when he hollers out, "I know many of you have seen faith healing by the POWER of JEE-sus! But have you EVER seen a DOUBLE healin'? You're gonna see one tonight!"

He asks for a volunteer, and an old guy on crutches hobbles up onto the stage. The healer asks him his name, and how long he's been on crutches. The old geezer answers, "My name is Fred, and Ah've been on these here things my whole life. I uz born with bad legs."

Healer tells him it's all gonna get cured, and to go stand behind this 7' curtain that is directly behind them. Old geezer hobbles around behind the curtain. Healer asks for another volunteer, and a healthy-looking fellow strides up onto the stage. The healer remarks that there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with him, asks his name and what is his affliction?

The second volunteer replies, "M-m-m-m-my N-n-n-n-name is B-b-b-b-b-bob. M-m-m-my..."

Faith healer interrupts the poor guy, and says, "Oh, Bob... don't try to say anything else. I think we can all see what your affliction is. Now, you go around behind the curtain with Fred, there, and we're gonna fix you right up, drive those demons from your vocal cords, by the HEALIN' power of JEE-sus!" Bob goes around behind the curtain.

The faith healer turns back to the audience and works them up to a tizzy with prayers and "Can I get a witness!" and "AMEN!" Finally he smacks his hands together, and hollers out like he's gonna faint, "The GOOD Lord's work HAS BEEN DONE, ladies and gentlemen!" A hush falls over the crowd as the preacher hollers at the curtain, "FRED! Throw your useless old crutches OVER the CURTAIN!" A pair of crutches come flying over the curtain. Then the preacher hollers, "BOB! Now... SPEAK to us!"

Bob says, "F-f-f-f-f-f-f-fred fell down!"

You Look Bored

Go shoot some stick-figure bad guys.

Gas Prices

Since Bill Whittle Mentioned Osama

... in his latest brilliant essay "Tribes", I thought this might be a good time to remind people of the value of diplomacy when dealing with terrorists.

Bored?

Go shoot a terrorist.

Yeah, it's graphic. He's a fucking terrorist.

Weight Loss From Hell

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company, then shows him the sign. The sign reads , "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot". This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

Marital Positions

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

[stolen from I Hate My Cubicle!!!]