S P E C I A L    A N N O U N C E M E N T

Internet Cleaning
DO NOT CONNECT TO THE INTERNET FROM MARCH 31st 23:59 pm (GMT) UNTIL 12:01am (GMT) APRIL 2nd.

*** Attention ***

It's that time again! As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead e-mail and inactive ftp, www, and gopher sites, allows for a better working and faster Internet.

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 23:59 pm (GMT) on March 31st until 00:01 am (GMT) on April 2nd. During that 24-hour period, five powerful Internet-crawling robots situated around the world will search the Internet and delete any data that they find.

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following:

1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet connections.

2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.

3. Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the Internet.

4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.

We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.

We thank you for your cooperation.

Fu Ling Yu

Interconnected Network Maintenance Staff Main Branch,
Massachusetts Institute of Technology

Sysops and others: Since the last Internet cleaning, the number of Internet users has grown dramatically. Please assist us in alerting the public of the upcoming Internet cleaning by posting this message where your users will be able to read it.

Please pass this message on to other sysops and Internet users as well.

Thank you.

Update: Click on extended entry for more information.

Sure, the Bottom Shelf Whiskey's Cheaper, But You Still Shouldn't Drink It

If you do, you may end up going home and using the cat to put out the fire on your head, like this.

This Is Why They Invented Happy Hour

I Love My Job!
(The Lost Dr Seuss Poem)

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, she is the best!
I love her boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location,
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And piles of paper that grow each day!

I think my job is really swell,
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.

I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job - I'll say it again -
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!

A Guest Post From Madfish Willie's Pets

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast!
9:40 a.m. A walk in the park! Ate some crap... Delicious!
10:30 a.m. Getting rubbed and petted! I'm in love!
12:00 p.m. Lunch! Yummy!
1:00 p.m. Playing in the yard! I just love it!
3:00 p.m. Staring adoringly at my masters...they're the best! I'll wag my
tail in joy.
4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids are home! I'm bouncing off the walls!
5:00 p.m. Milkbones! Great!
7:00 p.m. Get to play ball! This is too good to be true!
8:00 p.m. Wow! Watching TV with my master! Heavenly!
11:00 p.m. Sleeping at the bottom of my master's bed! Life is soooooooo
great!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 683 of My Captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They
dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or
some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations
perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my
strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the floor. Today I
decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had
hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a ''good little hunter'' I am. The audacity!!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could
hear the noise and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due
to my power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it
to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of
my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The
dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released--and he seems
more than willing to return! He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant-- I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe-- for now. But I can wait.

It is only a matter of time.

Belated St. Patrick's Day humor

"I've Lost Me Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

*****************************************************
"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

***********************************************
"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well." Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying."

*************************************
Irish Cemetery

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he! was 95 when he died"!

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

***************************************************
Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

***************************************************
Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun!'

Crank Up the Jukebox

Top 100 Heavy Metal albums of all time.

Where the fuck is Ted Nugent???

Flying FemAir

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit. Now it's the box office."

Crap I Have To Listen To When There Are Southerners In The Bar

SOUTHERN SAYINGS:

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

She's so stuck up she'd drown in a rainstorm.

It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

My cow died last night, so I don't need your bull.

He's as country as cornflakes.

This is gooder'n grits.

If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

I'm 'bout as........ Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Busy as a moth in a mitten. Happy as a clam at high tide.

ADVICE FOR NORTHERNERS WHO TRAVEL SOUTH:

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If you DO run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol' ," as in "big ol' truck," or "big ol' boy." "Fixin'" (as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store") is 2nd, and "Y'all" is 3rd.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

If it can't be fried , it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.

Beer vs. Vagina

(via my Blogless Brother Roy)

1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER

2.Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA

3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER

4.If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely apoint to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances.
I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA

9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to VAGINA

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc.
One point to BEER

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost.
One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn't have a mother.
One point to BEER

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it.
One point to BEER

FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8

That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them.
An extra point for BEER

Meet Your New Neighbors - The Simpsons

Someone with more time than sense has produced a live-action version of the Simpsons intro.

Marvelously done.

[Hat tip: I Hate My Cubicle]

Thinkin' men

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's right,"Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

And On Ladies Night, We'll Be Having...

Some retro pin-up chicks, including:

Aishwarya Rai

Angie Dickinson

Ann-Margret

Ann Miller

Anna Pacquin

Audrey Landers

Ava Gardner

And that's just the A's. You can see the complete list at RetroCrush.

She's Got Quite a Grip

Beer Lady

Via Sticks of From Chaos to Serendipity