History of Beer

[Originally posted on October 15, 2003]

History of Beer

The history of beer is a five-part series documenting... well, the history of beer.

    1. The History of Beer
    2. The Story of Beer
    3. The Brewing of Beer
    4. Styles of Beer
    5. Beer Today
The History of Beer

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin

Beer is as old as civilization itself. One of the most common and popular of beverages, it is made in every corner of the world. It has a long and fascinating history, from ancient Egypt to medieval monks, to (for a time) being outlawed by the U.S. Constitution. It has been part of the daily ration for people whose lives have been long and hard, as well as the symbol of celebration, recreation, and relaxation. The local tavern has been a refuge and social universe to many.

The simple combination of barley, water, hops, and yeast produces many different styles of beer. The process has several steps, and although it is simple enough that it can be done at home with the right equipment, many people would consider brewing an art.

Beer types range from a pale, sparkling yellow to dark, rich reddish-brown. There is a place and time for each, from tossing back a cheap cold lager on a summer afternoon to sipping a sweet, syrupy Christmas brew on a cold winter night. Beer generates a sense of well-being and enhances conversation. [ed. Yeah, but what if your are an asshole?]

Although ancient, the custom of beer drinking is by no means in danger of extinction. The recent explosion of microbrews has created a new generation of beer connoisseurs, while the less sophisticated will no doubt continue to love it blindly but passionately.

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on July 10 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Best of Madfish

Healthy Drinking Tips

[Originally posted on December 10, 2003]


Updated: 12.10 1:15am

Shaping Up Your Inner Child
Your girlfriend says it, your parents say it, and everyone at the court-mandated A.A. meetings say it: “You need therapy to discover the deep-seated motivations that make you drink so much.”

If they don’t buy your answer of “My competitive spirit,” then you may feel compelled to seek out and interrogate your inner child. And I’m going to help you.

Why? Because you cannot have a sound body unless you possess a sound mind. They go together like Jack and Coke, like blackouts and bruises.

In the spirit of that fine understanding, I will generously share a secret Swedish regression technique that will enable you to find your inner child and discover what makes you the drunk that you are.

Secrets of the Backa Genom Sprit
It is common knowledge among the village wisemen who live in the shadow of Kebnekaise, Sweden’s tallest mountain, that it is quite easy to delve inside your psyche using a powerful tool called Backa Genom Sprit. Which roughly translates into Regression Through Drinking.

While this sounds too easy and delightful too be true, I can readily assure you it is a highly effective technique. Ever since I became a practicing Spritist, I’ve had a much better relationship with my family.

What follows is a basic guideline to becoming a Spritist based on someone of average age, weight, and drinking ability. Modify your levels accordingly. It is best to do this alone or with a group of strangers you will never see again.

Level One: Jeff The Juvenile Delinquent
Number of drinks: 1-5
Regressive State: 16-20 years old
Common Behaviors: Rather relaxed, as the stress of the daily grind of your life slips from your shoulders. You may feel the urge to rebel against authority figures.
Common Revelations: Your job sucks, your life sucks and you will never be 17 again.

Level Two: The Hormonal Monster
Number of drinks: 6-10
Regressive State: 10-15 years old
Common Behaviors: Unnecessary hooting. Hitting girls that you are secretly attracted to. Complaining about your mother to strangers.
Common Revelations: You deserved every bruise your momma ever gave you, that she did the best with what she had, and that you now realize that every time you stole drinks from that bottle of peppermint schnapps she kept in her sewing box, you were actually stealing her only source of joy.

Level Three: The Wild Child
Number of drinks: 11-15
Regressive State: 5-9 years old
Common Behaviors: Pointing at people. Ignoring common sense. Poor math skills when trying to remember how many drinks you’ve had. A tendancy to treat women as both mysterious and icky.
Common Revelations: The dreams that you had as a child don’t die when you enter that cubicle. That if John Glenn can be an astronaut at age 70 there’s still time for you. That there’s still time to find that pink princess you used to draw.

Level Four: Harvey The Big Cry Baby
Number of drinks: 16-20
Regressive State: 0-4
Common Behaviors: Drooling. Grabbing breasts. Baby talk. Throwing temper tantrums when your bottle is taken away. Wetting your pants. Falling asleep in odd places.
Common Revelations: That you will forget much of this period, but you will later be haunted by painful feelings of disempowerment and being touched in naughty places.

So now that you know the way of the Spritist, a sect of peaceful Swedish mountain folk who have been quietly harvesting wheat and barley for centuries in pursuit of mental harmony, I hope that you too will be able to find inner peace and be able to create a stronger relationship with your friends and family and most importantly yourself.

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on July 3 :: Permalink :: Comments (3) :: Best of Madfish
» Bad Example links with: TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

Texas Talking

[Originally posted on October 16, 2003]

Here in Texas, everything IS bigger and better! We even have own own vocabulary called: Texas Talkin'

Here's what the heck we mean in the Lone Star State...

  • The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart

  • As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person

  • Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy

  • Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action

  • We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced

  • He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink

  • She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker

  • It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice

  • Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving

  • This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block

  • He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y

  • They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin

  • Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told

  • As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart

  • You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing


Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on June 26 :: Permalink :: Comments (3) :: Best of Madfish

The Ultimate Pizza

[Originally posted on October 15, 2003]

The Ultimate Pizza Recipe is from one of my old roommates. He was one funny guy. Watching TV with this guy was like being in a Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie! He would just sit there and wipe the whole movie out. He could recite verbatim entire sections of movies, his favorite being Monty Python & The Holy Grail. Meanwhile, back on the ranch...

Barry's Meatza Pizza

1 Biboli Pizza Crust - Thick Crust
1 Italian Sausage - Crumbled
1 Canadian Bacon - Diced Big
1 Pepperoni - Diced Big
4 oz Prego Traditional Sauce
2 cups Mozzarella Cheese
Red Peppers
Parmesan Cheese
McCormicks Lemon Pepper
McCormicks California Style Garlic Salt

Brown Italian Sausage, drain grease, paper soak top 2 times to remove remainder of grease
Brown Canadian Bacon, drain grease, paper soak top 2 times to remove remainder of grease
Preheat oven to 425
Sauce on Boboli - watch edges - too close to edge and the crust gets hard, burns
Top with meats - don't be afraid of the meat, either - pile it on
Bake 10 minutes at 425
Add Mozzarella Cheese

Bake 10 minutes at 425
Sprinkle red peppers to taste
Sprinkle Parmesan chesse to taste
Sprinkle spices to taste

Add large, sliced, sauteed mushrooms after meat and before first bake cycle.

This is a great recipe for football games and casual munching. Also tastes great first thing in the morning from the frig after a hard night's partying! Enjoy!


Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on June 20 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Best of Madfish

The Adventures of Madfish Willie

[Originally posted on October 13, 2004]

I was working the joint during an unsually busy Happy Hour Party last Friday. There was a disheveled, goofy guy at the end of the bar scribbling furiously with a teeny, tiny little pencil in a small, black blood-stained book.

He was leaning back in Frank J's chair, with his feet kicked up on Misha's seat. Who was this freak? How dare he come into our place, sit in Frank J's special reserved place and put his feet on any chair, much less Misha's? The Rott was growling furiously, foaming at the mouth and straining at the chain to get at this interloper. [I was dog sitting The Rott for a couple of hours while Misha was out running around.] He didn't like the idea of someone sitting in Misha's seat. He didn't like people putting their feet up on the chairs, either.

This didn't look good. I could tell from my many years of experience dealing with dumb-asses that something bad was about to happen. I checked under the bar, making sure the Imperial ClueBat was handy, then I walked over and asked him if he needed something to drink.

"What is your blending capacity in this establishment?", he inquired.

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on June 19 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Best of Madfish
» Bad Example links with: PRESENTS!

The Ultimate Banana Daiquiri

[Originally posted on October 12, 2003]

Although the name of this recipe post is The Ultimate Dacquiri, I'm going to break it down into two separate posts: Frozen Strawberry Dacquiri and Frozen Banana Dacquiri.

The Ultimate Frozen Banana Dacquiri

2-3 Fresh Bananas
1 oz Bacardi Rum
2 oz Creme de Banana
Soft Blue Bell Premium Ice Cream
1 sprig Fresh Mint
Kool-Whip Dessert Topping

Place softened ice cream into a beverage blender - about 3/4 full. Fill remander of blender with peeled fresh banana. Pour rum and creme de banana into blender. Blender until thick and smooth. This should not take very long. Remember, the longer you blend the mixture, the thinner it will become.

Pour frozen mixture into a tall, stemmed cocktail glass. Fill to 3/4 full. Spray a line whipping cream around the outside of the glass. Pouring mixture into the center, fill remainder of glass with frozen mixture. Do Not Overfill Glass! Spray a spot of whipping cream onto the center of mixture. Garnish with slices of fresh banana placed around the rim of the glass, and a spring of mint leaf placed stem down by the rim.


Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on June 13 :: Permalink :: Comments (3) :: Best of Madfish

The Ultimate Strawberry Daiquiri

[Originally posted on October 12, 2003]

Although the name of this recipe post is The Ultimate Daiquiri, I'm going to break it down into two separate posts: Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri and Frozen Banana Daiquiri.

The Ultimate Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri

1 Packet Frozen Strawberries
1 oz Bacardi Rum
2 oz Creme de Almond
Sweet 'n Sour Cocktail Mix
Crushed Ice
1 lg Fresh Strawberry
1 sprig Fresh Mint
Kool-Whip Dessert Topping

Place crushed ice into a beverage blender - about 3/4 full. Fill remander of blender with thawed frozen strawberries. Pour rum and creme de almond into blender. Fill with sour mix. Blend until thick and smooth. Remember, the longer you blend the mixture, the thinner it will become.

Pour frozen mixture into a tall, stemmed cocktail glass. Fill to 3/4 full. Spray a line whipping cream around the outside of the glass. Pouring mixture into the center, fill remainder of glass with frozen mixture. Do Not Overfill Glass! Spray a spot of whipping cream onto the center of mixture. Garnish with a large fresh strawberry pressed on the rim of the glass, and a spring of mint leaf placed stem down by the rim, beside the strawberry. The strawberry will look better with the stem still attached.

Tomorrow: The Ultimate Banana Daiquiri


Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on June 12 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Best of Madfish

Imperial Cocktail Party

Originally posted on October 12, 2003]

I was finishing up some posts on Saturday night, so I decided to drop by The Loyal Citizen AIM Chatroom - Where the VRWC Conspires. The topics of conversations over are vast and varied. The topic somehow got turned to drinking, what people's favorite drinks, liquor, cocktails, etc. were. Someone brought up cocktails for Saudis! And away we went... Great hilarity and mass spewage ensued. By the end, everyone was ROFLTAO - couldn't type, couldn't spell, couldn't breath - laughing.too.hard.

Here are some of the drinks we determined the Saudi would drink:

  • Turbin Twister

  • Mecca Surprize

  • Baghdad Buzzsaw

  • Bloody Imam

  • Mad Mullah

  • Medina Sunrise

  • Fuzzy Goat Butt: Mad Dog 20/20, poured into Helen Thomas' navel

  • Saudi Sunrise: Camel Piss /w Sand

  • Sex With A Goat: Mountain Dew /w Prune Juice

  • One Eyed Cleric (Mullah Omar): Needs Recipe

Misha suggested we come up with a recipe for the One Eyed Cleric. So, how about this;
    1 oz Everclear

    1 oz Bacardi 151

    1 oz Wild Turkey 101

    Orange Juice

    Cranberry Juice

If that doesn't make you walk around in a circle with one eye closed, a patch over your other eye and a towel on your head... nothing will!

The Bartender says: drop on by the chat room for The Anti-Idiotarian Cocktail Party some time - lots of fine folks with strong opinions - and not afraid to let you know what they are! Good Times...Great fun!!


Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on June 6 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Best of Madfish

The Ultimate Queso

[Originally posted on October 11, 2003]

The Ultimate Queso recipe is one of my own creations. It is pretty simple and I use only the highest quality ingredients.

1 lb block of Velveeta Cheese .5 - 1 cup of Milk 1 - 2 cups of the Ultimate Salsa 1 Buttload of quality dipping style Tortilla Chips

Cut Velveeta Cheese into small cubes. Place cheese into a double boiler or crock pot. Place heat on medium and slow cook until melted. Add milk and hand blend. Add the Ultimate Salsa mix and blend until all ingredients are thoroughly incorporated. Add additional milk as needed until desired thickness is achieved.

Pour Queso mixture into medium sized bowl. Dip tortilla chips into Ultimate Queso and insert into mouth. [You're dripping that stuff all over the place]

Chili con Queso: add spicy, browned, ground-beef (85-15 minimum) to taste.

The Bartender says: Make sure you have a large towel available to wipe your mouth and chin and shirt and chair.


Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on June 5 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Best of Madfish

3 Little Words

[Originally posted on October 10, 2003]

3 little words that will get guys slapped!

By Margot Carmichael Lester

If only there were a switch men could flip before they opened their mouths and said something completely off-putting. If only someone could invent an early warning system to reside in men's minds and alert them before they uttered something inane or offensive. Why aren't the big brains working on that?

Now, I'm not saying that women are always articulate. I'm not saying we never take a verbal misstep that can send a fella running screaming from the room. But after years of study, it appears to me that men are more likely than women to run off at the mouth in the most unflattering ways.

So until someone figures out how to keep gents from going off half-cocked, as it were, I offer these 10 dodgey lines as examples of what to avoid:

1. "Come here often?" Please. This is so hackneyed that even if you actually want to know, it's going to send the wrong signal. All this line does is make you appear totally incapable of an original thought.

2. "Are those real?" Curiosity killed the cat. It also just killed your chances with her, unless she's a total bimbo.

"The rule of thumb should be, 'If you have to ask, the answer is probably no,'" counsels Becky, 33. "And you should never ask. Wait for your chance to find out first-hand."

3. "What's your sign?" Hello? It's the 21st century. You're probably still wearing that nifty polyester disco suit or a turtleneck sweater and belted leather jacket. Unless you're at a theme party or a retro bar, this line screams, "Hi, I'm a walking cliché."

4. "My wife's away." Quick. Duck and cover.

"This line — and the guy who says it — is an accident waiting to happen," quips Magda, 43.

5. "Are you pregnant?" Nothing good will come from this — ever.

6. "Who's your daddy?" Someone please retire this one.

"Where do guys get the idea that women dig this line?" wonders Trina, 29. "Have you ever met a women who gets turned on by it? Of course not!"

The Bartender says: I don't see what's wrong with #6... at the right time, in the right place. Hehehe!


Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on May 30 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Best of Madfish

The Ultimate Salsa

[Originally posted on October 10, 2003]

The Ultimate Salsa recipe is from the Yucatan Liquor Stand in Oklahoma City (now closed). This is a 15 gallon quantity recipe, so you will have adjust proportions.

2 case #10 can - Heinz Garlic & Herb Diced Tomatoes
5 lbs fresh Jalepeno Peppers
1 case #10 can Hunts Tomato Juice
2 #10 cans Ketchup
5 lbs White Onions - diced
5-6 bunches of fresh Cilantro
1 cup Cracked Black Pepper
.5 cup Cumin
4 cups McCormicks California Style Garlic Salt
1 Buttload of quality dipping style Tortilla Chips

Pour diced tomatos, tomato juice, and ketchup into large mixing bowl. Add cracked black pepper, cumin, and garlic salt into mixture and mix thoroughly by hand. Cut stems off jalepeno peppers and discard. Chop jalepeno peppers and place into mixture. Dice onions and place into mixture. Finely chop cilantro and place into mixture. Mix all ingredients until well blended. Place in large covered bowl and refrigerate. Best served cold.

This will give you a Thick & Chunky Ultimate Salsa.

Regular Ultimate Salsa: use a mechanical blender to dice onions and cilantro before adding to mixture. You can also increase the proportion of tomato juice and possibly add some Real Lemon to thin the mixture.
Extra Spicy Ultimate Salsa: subsitute a hotter pepper for jalepeno or add the hotter pepper to this recipe. Cayenne pepper can also be added to "kick it up a notch".

The Bartender says: I apologize for my lack of proper proportions. Actually, I thought I had lost this recipe years ago, but I found it in my book on HTML code! Bingo!


Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on May 29 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Best of Madfish
» Ambient Irony links with: Carnival Of The Vanities

The Ultimate Insult

[Originally posted on October 9, 2004]

This is what I would say if I had the floor at a Jacques Chirac press conference.

[Drink Alert is in effect for the remainer of this post.]


Thou hast forsaken me! Mine hatred of thee is pure and all-consuming. Now thou shalt taste the wrath of a Viking unavenged!

Hither and yon, thine creamy center will squish with greater glee than a pair of over-cooked rice balls! Lo, the overly-shiney Tricycle of Death comes to cart thy soul to the Monkey House! I shalt smite thine grandmother's stockings with more force than a polyp-bottomed Hungarian goat-herd on Tuesday! Behold, mine Fists of Justice greet thy face with a dozen roses and an unceremonious root canal! I will pelt thee with little packets of unpronounceable imported cheese! I shall flatten thee until thou can be used to store mine stock portfolio. I shall frappe thine entrails and paint thee tombstone with glitter! I shall force thee to wear thine dog's ass for a feedbag. Ye just wait til mine fuzzy rubber chicken gets through with thee! Odin calls upon Loyal Citizens to rise up and wield your mightiest weapons of destruction against this evil pretender!

[By this time, I'm really pissed off. I really let him have it. I give him The Ultimate Insult]

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on May 23 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Best of Madfish

The Ultimate Margarita

[Originally posted on October 9, 2003]

History of Margarita

"Basically, this is the concoction that created the Americanos' taste for tequila in the 1960's. Before this, tequila (which is technically a brandy) was best known in Central America and Mexico. Tax records in the Mexican town of Tequila note that 3 barrels of "mezcal wine" had been shipped to Texas in 1873, and American troop in pursuit of Pancho Villa had brought some back in 1916. Still, folks north of the border had not quite taken to the taste of tequila. Even when there was a shortage of gin during World War II, the gringo interest in tequila proved to be nothing more than a flirtation.

Then California college students discovered the Margarita, and the rest (as they say) is history. As for the creation of the drink itself, several bars and bartenders have staked a claim. The Caliente Racetrack in Tijuana boasts of its origin around 1930, as does Bertita's bar in Tasca, Mexico. Later claims have been insisted upon not only by the Garci Crespo Hotel in Puebla, Mexico, around 1936 (where the bartender says he named the drink for his girlfriend), but also by a couple from San Antonio, Texas, who spent many an hour wasting away during the 1950's at the bar of the Flamingo Hotel in Acapulco, where they owned a home. (Her name, of course, was Margarita.) And not to be denied a piece of the legend is an LA restaurant called The Tale of the Cock, where they claim to have created this recipe first during the Eisenhower Administration.

But the most documented story comes from Danny Herrera, who owned Rancho La Gloria between Rosarito Beach and Tijuana. In the late 1940's, a showgirl named Marjorie King stopped there often, and she had a drinking "problem" of sorts: she was allergic to every form of booze except tequila, which she needed mixed. Among the many tequila experiments that Danny Herrera tried was a concoction consisting of 3 parts white tequila, 2 parts Cointreau, and 1 part fresh lemon juice. These he shook together in a container of shaved ice, then served up in a short stemmed glass rimmed with lemon juice and salt. This she liked, and so he gave the drink the Spanish name for Marjorie: Margarita."

1 1/2 oz. Cuervo Gold Tequila
3/4 oz. Cointreau
Splash of Sour Mix
Fresh sqeezed lime juice
Lime wedge
Lime wheel

Prepare salted rim glass (see below) before mixing cocktail. Pour ingredients into mixing glass over ice. Shake vigorously for several seconds - you should have a frothy mix when complete. Pour with ice (on the rocks) into salted rim glass or strain and serve (straight up) in salted rim glass.

Moisten rim of tall stemmed glass. The best way to do this is to wet a sponge and push the rim of the glass onto the surface of the sponge. Dip rim of glass into a pile of Kosher salt. You should have a thick line of salt on the rim. Your mixture should be filled up to right below the salted rim. Sqeeze lime wedge into drink and throw rind away. Garnish with lime wheel.

Add more sweet-n-sour mix and blend with ice for a Frozen Margarita. Pour into tall, stemmed, salt rimmed glass. Garnish with lime wheel and insert milk straw.

Add completed Frozen Margarita to Frozen Strawberry Dacquiri for a Frozen Strawberry Margarita. Note: For the ultimate presentation of FSM alternate pouring Frozen Strawberry Dacquiri then Frozen Margarita into tall stemmed sugar rimmed glass giving you a layered or swirled appearance. Garnish with large strawberry, lime wheel, and insert milk straw.


Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on May 22 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Best of Madfish

Best of Madfish Willie

[Originally posted on October 8, 2003]

Wednesday Happy Hour

Moe's Toast...

"May you live as long as you like,

And have all you like as long as you live."

Bart's Prank Call[Bart with Lisa and Maggie]

Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!

[Marge picks up the extension and hears:]

Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!

Harvey finally comes across with some big cabbage for the Tip Jar. I was just fixin ta aks ya what the hell, dude, where's the beef? Now you're talking, daddio! [reaches up and pulls the high roller tip bell...repeatedly] Update: Some son-of-a-bitch came and swiped my $20 bill out of the Tip Jar. Friggin' rotten, thievin, bastards!

Stop looking at my TITS! Jim at Snooze Button Dreams has the answer to one of the mankind's deepest mysteries .

One burning question has lingered in the thoughts of women across the world since the very beginning of civilization. "Why the hell are guys like that?" Or more specifically, "Why can't I have a rational conversation with a guy without him looking at my boobs every five seconds or having his eyes glaze over as he strokes his mental stiffy with thoughts of me in a naughty French maid outfit, two nipple clamps and a short but firm whip?"

Beat me, beat me, whip me till I bleed!
Helen has some advice. When you take your lady to the bar, keep your eyes in your head and take the swivel out of your neck. And don't be lookin around the room when she's in the john with all her friends. She'll sneak up behind you and smack the crap out of you. Then all the shit hits the fan and I have to come over there and throw everybody out. Be warned!

Beam Me Up Scotty! Ever talk to a computer?< Go check out A.L.I.C.E. and "talk" to this Artificial Intelligence bot. I jacked around with it the other day, but couldn't talk her into to coming over for any wild trick f***ing.

Coming Soon: The History of Beer


Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on May 16 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Best of Madfish

The Ultimate Bloody Mary

[Originally posted on October 8, 2003]

Today's recipe from the The Professional Mixologist Recipe Guide is The Bartender's very own creation and damn near as good as The Ultimate Martini.

This drink hails from Harry's New York Bar in Paris, and was first mixed by "Pete" Petoit. When Pete came back to New York City in the 1930's, he introduced the Red Snapper as America's first Bloody Mary. It was made with Gin, as Vodka was just emerging as a new spirit to American palates. The name may be attributed to Mary Tudor, the daughter of Henry VIII, who was declared illegitimate when Henry divorced her mother in 1532 to marry Anne Boleyn. She had a brief five year tenure as Queen and managed to kill off most of her Protestant adversaries. She was known as "Bloody Mary". Another account is that a patron said it reminded him of a girl named Mary he knew at the Bucket of Blood Club in Chicago. [Follow the link for a good picture of final product]

1 1/4 oz. Vodka
Worchestershire Sauce - splash or to taste
Tabasco Sauce - splash or to taste
Real Lemon Juice - splash or to taste
Celery Salt - pinch or to taste
Cracked Pepper - pinch or to taste
Kosher salt
Tomato juice

Pour Vodka, Worchestershire sauce, Real Lemon juice, celery salt, cracked pepper, and tomato juice over ice in a mixing glass. Shake mixture enough to consolidate ingredients.

Salted rim glass
Stalk of celery - must have small amount of leaves on stalk
Lime wheel
Lime wedge - 1/8 small lime

Moisten rim of tall glass. The best way to do this is to wet a sponge and push the rim of the glass onto the surface of the sponge. Dip rim of glass into a pile of Kosher salt. You should have a thick line of salt on the rim. Pour consolidated mixture from mixing glass into beverage glass, leaving enough room to place celery stalk into glass. Take a slice of lime and slit from center out. Place on rim of glass. Squeeze lime wedge onto top of Bloody Mary and discard skin. Your mixture should be filled up to right below the salted rim.

The Bartender says: I used to make this recipe in 5 Gallon quantities, so I'm not sure of the exact quantities for single or multiple cocktails. Just season to taste. Use the thickest tomato juice possible. I used to like Hunts but cannot find it anymore; just don't use the thin, runny stuff. Make sure to use Kosher salt - it has bigger crystals and looks better on the glass.

This recipe is damn near as good as The Ultimate Martini! I do guarantee you the Best Bloody Mary you have ever seen or tasted!


Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on May 15 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Best of Madfish

Hangover - Part 1

[Originally posted on Octover 7, 2003]

So you wanna cure a hangover? I found this article a few months ago, and want to share it with you, while giving the appropriate credit the anonymous author(s) at soyouwanna.com

This article has five different sections:

  1. Understand what alcohol does to your body.

  2. Prepare for the night out.

  3. Know what to do while you're drinking.

  4. Survive the morning after.

  5. Quaff our ultimate hangover cure.
Part of being young is being stupid, and anyone who tells you that he or she has never gotten drunk is either lying, boring, a Mormon, or some combination thereof. But just because so many people get drunk doesn't make it OK. A recent survey found that 3 out of every 5 college students have engaged in binge drinking. Binge drinking completely thrashes your liver and kidneys, not to mention puts you at risk of death via alcohol overdose. But you don't need us lecturing at you... you know that massive drinking is bad. How do you know? Because your mother tells you - no, not Mother Goose... Mother Nature.

A nasty hangover is Mother Nature's way of telling you, "Fool, I thought I told you not to drink so much. Now you gonna pay." (Don't ask us why Mother Nature sounds like Mr. T.) Hangovers can completely incapacitate you, giving you an upset stomach, a huge headache, a gross-tasting mouth, and a guilty conscience. So what we've constructed for you are some tips for easing the pain and curing that hangover. We only expect you to use this article once. If you find that you need our help to cure your hangovers every weekend (no matter how happy all those page views will make us), we insist that you contact Alcoholics Anonymous right away. People (especially those in their 20s) usually revel in binge drinking, but it really can be life-threatening.

Understand What Alcohol Does To Your Body

They don't call it intoxication for nothing. Happy juice is poisonous. Put enough of it into your body and you die. What concerns us here, however, is not so much alcohol itself (which we'll take as a given) but the by-products of alcohol, and especially one particularly nasty chemical critter by the name of acetaldehyde. It's got a lot more of the bad kind of kapow, and the latest research suggests that it may be responsible for the worst of your hangover.


After you ingest alcohol, your body breaks it down into (among other things) acetaldehyde, before converting it into less harmful substances. The acetaldehyde messes with your brain at the same time as a host of depleted minerals are short-circuiting your nervous system, and that's in addition to low blood sugar and the classic headache-and-dry-mouth symptoms caused by dehydration. The result: nausea, twitchy nerves, unpleasantness, pessimism, terrible brain pain, and a temporary suspension of the laws of gravity.

The severity of a hangover varies according to . . .

  • The amount you've guzzled in a given period of time
  • Your own innate enzymatic capacity to deal with the poisons
  • Your age

Translation: the more you drink in a short amount of time, the more you'll feel the alcohol. One's weight is also a factor (the less you weigh, the more you'll feel it), as is a genetic predisposition. Finally, the older you get, the more you'll feel the alcohol the next morning. (I was wondering about about. I used to drink like a fish during my college days and never have half the hangover I do now-a-days...The Bartender.)

Prepare for the night out: Coming tomorrow night.


Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on May 9 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Best of Madfish

About Madfish Willie

[Originally posted on October 4, 2003]

I worked in the nightclub and restaurant business for right at 20 years. I started at the bottom and worked my way up. I worked as a part time-doorman, barback, bartender, Bar Manager, Assistant Manager, General Manager, Area Supervisor, Quality Control (IG) Inspector, and Director of Operations. I worked in 1,500 sq ft neighbohood joints with jukebox entertainment, mid-size clubs with recorded music and dancing, 25,000 sq ft Country Western Dance Halls with racetrack style dance-floors, and 40,000 sq ft multi-concept Entertainment Complexes with live music. I've booked all types of live music with my favorite being the Classic Concert Series with old rock bands still touring the nightclub circuits. I worked in a Cajun Cafe many of you have probably heard of and possibly eaten at, if you are in a major metropolitan area in Texas. Hell, you've probably been in one of my nightclubs if you are over 25 - might have even seen each other!

I ran every kind of promotion under the sun trying to increase traffic counts and sales. I want to incorporate some of those promotional into this blog to keep it entertaining and fresh, but more about that later.

Primarily, I want this blog to be like dropping in at the corner bar for a couple of cold ones on the way home. I have some ideas on how I want to acheive that atmosphere. I'll talk about drinking, throwing up, beer, whiskey, movies, music, beer, other bars & restaurants, sports, tv (because I want to), beer, tell some jokes, and finally... more beer. Two things we won't talk about, just like two things we don't talk about in bars: Religion & Politics. Starts a fight every time. Besides there are plenty of other places you can discuss those topics, starting with the links on my sidebar. I will also talk about Yellow Dog and Harold (Hey, this is my site) and maybe some cool guy stuff like power tools and cars and stuff.

I have some ideas for weekly satire, trivia contests, holiday parties and pics, and maybe some fund-raising benefits. If you have anything you'd like to see, let me know. If I like it and it doesn't cost too much, we'll do it. After all, you are The Customer!

Wish me luck on my new journey and drop by for some Beers and Bullshittin'!


Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on May 8 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Best of Madfish

History of Martini

[Originally posted on October 8, 2003]

... As the Martini matured in popularity, its paternity was contested, giving rise to a second theory. Call this The Martinez Story. Citizens of Martinez, California, claimed that around 1870 a miner from San Francisco stopped his horse at Julio Richelieu's saloon on Ferry Street in Martinez for a bottle of whiskey. Richelieu was a young Frenchman who had come up from to Contra Costa County from New Orleans. The miner plunked a tobacco sack of gold nuggets on the bar near the weigh-scales and handed Richelieu a bottle. The bartender filled the container with whiskey from a large barrel, but the traveler said he wasn't quite satisfied. To make up the difference, Richelieu picked up a glass, mixed him a small drink, and dropped an olive in it. "What is it?" asked the miner. "That," replied Richelieu, "is a Martinez cocktail."

Richelieu left Martinez to operate barrooms in San Francisco, his last saloon being Lotta's Fountain on the corner of Kearny and Market. Richelieu served a Free Lunch and a number of gourmet cocktails, but the Martinez was his specialty in the 1880s. Although Richelieu didn't stake his claim with a bar manual, the town of Martinez still insists that it is the Birthplace of the Martini; in 1992, a zealous group installed a brass plaque on the corner of Alhambra and Masonic to declare this "fact."

Last Call »

Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on May 2 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Best of Madfish

Shaken, Not Stirred

[Originally posted on October 8, 2003]

"Shaken, not stirred" - James Bond 007

Can you really ‘bruise’ a spirit?

James Bond asks for his Vodka Martini shaken not stirred, but what difference does it make?

Drinking has many myths and sayings but one common debate revolves around the two questions posed above. Let’s start with the facts. No, you cannot ‘bruise’ a spirit by shaking it. This is most commonly applied to Gin, but is really a meaningless, though quaint phrase. What it may be trying to describe is the different effect shaking rather than stirring has on a Vodka or Gin Martini’s interaction with the ice. Shaking will provide the Martini with a greater amount of exposure to the ice thus chilling the drink more quickly. Stirring on the other hand is not as vigorous and is therefore a less swift way of achieving the same cold temperature. In addition, differing amounts of water will dilute the drink depending on how long it has been shaken or stirred with ice. If preparation time is a serious issue then this might make a shaken Martini the best choice. Well done, Mr. Bond!

However, there is another factor that should be considered. Shaking your Martini may have a serious drawback. The crystalline clarity that makes a Martini look so clean, crisp and sophisticated is lost. The shaking motion inundates the cocktail with many tiny bubbles, often producing undesirable cloudiness. What this means is a trade off between speed of preparation and appearance. Maybe we should be surprised that the stylish and sophisticated 007 would risk getting a cloudy Vodka Martini!


Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on May 2 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Best of Madfish

Moe's Martini Recipes

[Orginally posted on October 5, 2003]

Harvey over at Bad Money gives my favorite cartoon bartender, Moe Syzslak, Martini recipes and names for the cast of The Simpsons. (Is there another cartoon bartender? Inquiring minds want to know.)

My recommendations for Moe were:

Willie-tini: substitute Jamesons Irish Whiskey, garnish w/ potato peel, rip shirt off and say "Now grease me up, woman."

Patty/Selma-tini: double standard recipe in tall glass, served with pack of cigarettes

BumbleBee Guy-tini: substitute Tequila, add dash of salt, lime juice, and lime wedge ... Hey that's a Margarita, D'oh

My favorite Martini recipe was from Mike the Marine:

Moe-tini: served on fire... at double the cost

Scroll down the comments to see the rest. A couple of them look pretty tasty - might have to try them out at the First Annual Madfish Willie's Martini Party.


Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on May 1 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Best of Madfish

Dumb Ass Jokes

[Originally posted on October 5, 2003]

You how you go into a bar/nightclub/joint and before the crowd gets there you're sittin up at the bar, pullin your pud with no one to talk to? So, you ask the bartender if he knows any good jokes.

Well, me and my buddy GoatHead used to tell these absolutely, positively, horrible one-liner jokes. They were soooo bad that no one ever laughed at the jokes, they were always laughing at us laughing at how stupid the jokes were. I'm cracking myself up just thinking about it! [sittin here, laughing my ass off...] I mean, you should have seen people's faces - they were like "What the fuck?" This would go on and on until they either couldn't stand to hear another joke, or we couldn't stand up to tell another one. Then, we just waited for the next sucker to pull up a barstool and ask for funnies.

Funny to me.

Here is this week's edition of really Dumbass Bar Jokes™. Enjoy!

Q What did the soap give to his fiancé?

A A bathtub ring

Q What do you call soap on a trapeze?

A Soap on a rope

Q Why did the comedian bring soap to his show?

A He was trying to clean up his act

Q Why did the burglar have soap in his pocket?

A He wanted to make a clean getaway

Now, I can't give you all the pretzels at one time, ya know. Tune in next week - Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel!


Bullshit so far »

» by Madfish Willie on May 1 :: Permalink :: Comments (0) :: Best of Madfish