Healthy Drinking Tips


Updated: 12.10 1:15am

Shaping Up Your Inner Child
Your girlfriend says it, your parents say it, and everyone at the court-mandated A.A. meetings say it: “You need therapy to discover the deep-seated motivations that make you drink so much.”

If they don’t buy your answer of “My competitive spirit,” then you may feel compelled to seek out and interrogate your inner child. And I’m going to help you.

Why? Because you cannot have a sound body unless you possess a sound mind. They go together like Jack and Coke, like blackouts and bruises.

In the spirit of that fine understanding, I will generously share a secret Swedish regression technique that will enable you to find your inner child and discover what makes you the drunk that you are.

Secrets of the Backa Genom Sprit
It is common knowledge among the village wisemen who live in the shadow of Kebnekaise, Sweden’s tallest mountain, that it is quite easy to delve inside your psyche using a powerful tool called Backa Genom Sprit. Which roughly translates into Regression Through Drinking.

While this sounds too easy and delightful too be true, I can readily assure you it is a highly effective technique. Ever since I became a practicing Spritist, I’ve had a much better relationship with my family.

What follows is a basic guideline to becoming a Spritist based on someone of average age, weight, and drinking ability. Modify your levels accordingly. It is best to do this alone or with a group of strangers you will never see again.

Level One: Jeff The Juvenile Delinquent
Number of drinks: 1-5
Regressive State: 16-20 years old
Common Behaviors: Rather relaxed, as the stress of the daily grind of your life slips from your shoulders. You may feel the urge to rebel against authority figures.
Common Revelations: Your job sucks, your life sucks and you will never be 17 again.

Level Two: The Hormonal Monster
Number of drinks: 6-10
Regressive State: 10-15 years old
Common Behaviors: Unnecessary hooting. Hitting girls that you are secretly attracted to. Complaining about your mother to strangers.
Common Revelations: You deserved every bruise your momma ever gave you, that she did the best with what she had, and that you now realize that every time you stole drinks from that bottle of peppermint schnapps she kept in her sewing box, you were actually stealing her only source of joy.

Level Three: The Wild Child
Number of drinks: 11-15
Regressive State: 5-9 years old
Common Behaviors: Pointing at people. Ignoring common sense. Poor math skills when trying to remember how many drinks you’ve had. A tendancy to treat women as both mysterious and icky.
Common Revelations: The dreams that you had as a child don’t die when you enter that cubicle. That if John Glenn can be an astronaut at age 70 there’s still time for you. That there’s still time to find that pink princess you used to draw.

Level Four: Harvey The Big Cry Baby
Number of drinks: 16-20
Regressive State: 0-4
Common Behaviors: Drooling. Grabbing breasts. Baby talk. Throwing temper tantrums when your bottle is taken away. Wetting your pants. Falling asleep in odd places.
Common Revelations: That you will forget much of this period, but you will later be haunted by painful feelings of disempowerment and being touched in naughty places.

So now that you know the way of the Spritist, a sect of peaceful Swedish mountain folk who have been quietly harvesting wheat and barley for centuries in pursuit of mental harmony, I hope that you too will be able to find inner peace and be able to create a stronger relationship with your friends and family and most importantly yourself.

~Dr Madfish~

» by Madfish Willie on December 10 :: Permalink :: Comments (11) :: Funny Stuff
» Primal Purge links with: The Cyberhikers Guide To Linking
» Note-It Posts links with: Now THAT'S linky-love
» Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys© links with: Tooling around my blogroll...
» Practical Penumbra links with: Attempted pongage

Trackbacks to Healthy Drinking Tips
The Cyberhikers Guide To Linking
Excerpt: If links were lovers, this may quite possibly be the biggest orgy in the blogosphere....
Weblog: Primal Purge
Tracked: December 10, 2003 03:00 AM
Now THAT'S linky-love
Excerpt: The Bartender at Madfish Willie's has really outdone himself. I don't know if he wrote this himself, or if he just linkified it, but either way, it's damned impressive. I'm linked twice, on "you cannot have a sound body" (hm....
Weblog: Note-It Posts
Tracked: December 10, 2003 12:21 PM
Tooling around my blogroll...
Excerpt: I see that the Bartender had a linkfest, and I missed it. Dana has a new blogroll, and I wanna be on it! I support Bloggers with Boobies! And anyone who has ever seen She Who Will Be Obeyed knows...
Weblog: Argghhh!!! The Home of one of Jonah's Military Guys©
Tracked: December 10, 2003 08:46 PM
Attempted pongage
Excerpt: Hmmm... whom do I owe? Daniel? The Barkeep? Those ought to be sufficient for my experiment..... #1...
Weblog: Practical Penumbra
Tracked: December 10, 2003 11:49 PM

You're too much. Love it.

Posted by: margi on December 9, 2003 05:51 PM

WOW! This is excellent, and I'm going to have fun wading through it... :)

Posted by: pam on December 9, 2003 06:15 PM

So my friend Lance's philosophy of "drink through it" applies, eh?

Wine and work - probably don't mix well. I may try anyway.


Posted by: hln on December 9, 2003 08:01 PM

One word: Gneiss.

Posted by: Jeff on December 9, 2003 09:35 PM

Excellent linky love post!!!!!

Posted by: Susie on December 9, 2003 10:41 PM

Therapists the world over are bowing to you and including your theories into their textbooks now. Well done, bartender!

Posted by: Helen on December 10, 2003 01:01 AM

First, a warm and loving "fuck you very much" for the linkage & slander.

By the way, you forgot to put Matty's name by Wild Child. You know he's drunk when he forgets how to multiply by six.

Nice work of art, there, Bartender.

Pass the pretzels, please...

Posted by: Harvey on December 10, 2003 10:04 AM

Hehheh. I got to be "delightful". :)

Posted by: emily on December 10, 2003 03:07 PM

I got to be the Wild Child! Woot! Great post, Barkeep. I'm having fun following every link.

Harv, please pass the pretzels over here?

Posted by: Linda on December 10, 2003 04:48 PM

I've missed ANOTHER orgy? They're going to confiscate my Astro-Glide.

Posted by: Velociman on December 10, 2003 06:22 PM

Oh God, THAT'S what it's called. I went in and asked for Astro-Turf and got the funniest looks.

Posted by: Anna on December 11, 2003 11:30 AM