Lawyers Vacations

For three years, a young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

The Perfect Day

The "Perfect Day" for Her:

8:15AM Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8:30AM Weigh in 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday

8:45AM Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed OJ & croissants.

9:15AM Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.

10:00AM Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.

10:30AM Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.

12:00PM Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.

12:45PM Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.

1:00PM Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.

3:00PM Nap.

4:00PM 3 dozen roses delivered by florist from secret admirer.

4:15PM Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.

5:30PM Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror.

7:30PM Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.

10:00PM Hot shower.

10:30PM Make love.

11:00PM Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

11:15PM Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

Nasty Talk

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?

A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?

A: $3.99 a minute.

Body Odor

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doc asked the rank young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and wash up as far up as possible."

"Well," the doc concluded, "go home and wash possible."

Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist is visiting this Indian Chief. He decides to have some fun and tells the Chief, "Hey Chief, I see ya got an old hound dog. Mind if I talk to him?"

"Dog no talk!", replied the chief.

"Oh, I'll bet he does. Hi buddy, how ya doin?", says the ventriloquist while petting the pooch".

"Oh, not bad", says the dog. "Chief feeds me good and I just lay around the teepee.", came the reply from the dog.

The Chief was amazed! The ventriloquist was having fun so he says, "Hey Chief, I see you've got a horse outside here. Mind if I talk to him?"

"Horse no talk!", replied the Chief.

"Oh, I'll bet he does. Hi fella, how ya doin?", say the ventriloquist while rubbing the horses nose.

"Oh, not bad says the horse. Chief stays home a lot anymore. I just hang around eating hay.", came the reply from the horse.

Now the Chief was really amazed! The ventriloquist was enjoying this so he says, "Hey Chief, I see you've got some sheep outside here. Mind if I talk to them?"

"OH...SHEEP LIE...SHEEP LIE!!", replied the Chief.

Buttercups

While playing a round of golf one day, Bill hit a shot into the middle of a field of buttercups. As he was preparing to hit his next shot (probably uprooting most of the buttercups) a voice out of nowhere said, "Please don't hurt my buttercups." Bill, not sure he heard correctly, prepared to hit his shot anyway. Again a voice asked him not to hurt the buttercups.

Bill placed his ball back on the fairway to make his shot and instantly MOTHER NATURE appeared. "Thank you for not hurting my buttercups, as a reward I will give you a year's supply of butter !" Bill was momentarily surprised and then he became angry ..... "Thanks a lot lady, but where were you when I was stuck in the PUSSY WILLOWS !!!"

Pilot Intercom Error

An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers just after his plane has taken off, and he forgets to turn off the intercom.

He says to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a shit and then try to fuck that new blonde stewardess."

The stewardess hears it, and as she goes running up the aisle to tell him the intercom is still on, she trips on the rug and falls on her ass. A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a shit first."

Marriage Choices

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

Pool Etiquette

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

Sex with the Teacher

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."

"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!", says the mom.

Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."

Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.

The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."

Huevos Mexicanos (Mexican Eggs)

A big Texas cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico.. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste!.. Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning.. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor... There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,"Si, Senor, ...sometimes the bull wins."

Courtesy of my buddy, Mike the Marine

The Confession

Eddie visits his church to confess. He sits down in the confessional and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have used foul language, and took the Lord's name in vain." The priest says, "It's OK son. Tell me what happened." Eddie says, "Well father, I was golfing with my buddy. We're very competitive. It was the 18th hole and we were tied. His tee shot went straight down the fairway and my tee shot went into the rough."

The priest says, "Oh I see, you were angry with your shot and cursed." "No father, I didn't curse at that time. My buddy's next shot reached the green, my next shot went into the sand." The father chuckles and says, "Well, one can see why you were angry then. Is this when you took the Lord's name in vain?" "Not then father. My shot from the sand landed 2 inches from the cup. So close!"

The priest says, "Oh my. I see why you were so angry. So that's when you started cursing?" "No, father, not then." There was a moment of silence, then the priest says, "You mean you missed that motherfucker?"

Look... Over There!

Soccer Badgers!

via Hugh Hewitt

Gourmet Chicken

A gay couple goes to a restaurant and one of them orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and you'll have to choose another entree."

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.

A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, gets up, drops his pants, picks up the chicken and sticks his dick in the bird's ass. He then bends over and says. . .
"Your turn!"

OJ Collection

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in L.A. He's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; we're not even moving."

He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars, so he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer, what's the hold-up?"

"O.J. just found out the verdict, and he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

The man says, "Oh really, how much have you collected so far."

The officer replies, "So far, ten gallons."

Pipes and Cigars

A man saw President Clinton smoking a pipe and asked, "Hey Bill, I thought you were a cigar man."

President Clinton responded, "Cigars are for pussies!"

2 Midgets 2 Hookers

Two midgets pick up a couple of hookers and take then to their Vegas hotel room for a little fun. After a few cocktails and some dancing, the lights go out, but the night doesn't go as planned. The first midget not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to his buddy grunting "One, two, three, huh!" over and over. In the morning his pal asks him, "So how was it?"

"I can't believe how much it sucked," says the first midget. "I couldn't get hard all night. I'm so ashamed." The second midget answers, "You think that's bad? I
couldn't even get up on the bed!"

Super Slam

One sunny day, Superman was flying around Metropolis looking for something to do. He spotted Spiderman and flew down to him. "Hey Spiderman, what are you doing today?" Spiderman replied that he had a broken webslinger so he couldn't do anything.

Superman continued flying around Metropolis and spotted Batman. Batman told Superman he couldn't do anything because he needed to fix the Batmobile.

Superman began flying around yet again and saw Wonder Woman lying on her back, naked on top of a Metropolis building. Superman thought to himself that if he was faster than a speeding train, he could fly down and screw Wonder Woman before she ever knew what happened. So Superman flew down, screwed her faster than a speeding bullet and flew away.

Wonder Woman then said, "Hey, what just happened?" The Invisible Man rolled over and replied, "I don't know but my ass is killing me!"

Old Womans Gas

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office.

"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly."Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

Titanic

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?

Fart Contest

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts.

His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."

The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted
down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted, but when she was done there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt.

"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "You've got a Double-Barrel!"