For Eric, the
Slightly BentStraight White Guy... one of my all-time favorite albums... that's right... VINYL... ALBUM... I had the vinyl album once, and an old roommate stole it... I looked for it on and off for over 20 fucking years.... and finally ran across the re-mastered CD on Amazon...
Without further adeau... I present...
For a better auditory experience, click the pop-up button at the bottom of the Radio.blog thingy... that way you can listen to it after you leave my page....Last Call »
Golf Ball & the G Spot
What's the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?Last Call »
A man will spend 30 minutes looking for a golf ball!« You're cut off!
A teacher is reviewing her class' homework assignment. She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated. Susie stands up, shuffles her feet and says, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you." The teacher says, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated." Johnny says, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light." The teacher says, "That's right, Johnny." Then she turns to Susie and says, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."Bullshit so far »
100 Miles an Hour
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"
She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your snatch with that and go get help."She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."Bullshit so far »
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring." he replies sheepishly.
"So, really, How long have you been wearing one?"
"Well, ummm, ever since my wife found it in our bed."Bullshit so far »
This guy went into a pharmacy to buy some condoms. The only problem was that he didn't know what size to buy because he'd never done it before. He went up to a cashier, who happened to be a beautiful blonde and said, "Excuse me, Miss, I need to purchase some condoms, but I don't know what size to get." So the blonde said, "Alright, come here," and proceeded to reach into his pants and feel around for a while... Then she reached for her loud speaker, and said, "Hey, Sid, I need a box of large condoms in isle 3!!" So the guy took his condoms and left.
A couple of hours later, another man came in with the same problem. He went up to the blonde, and said, "I need to buy a box of condoms, but I don't know what
size." So she took him aside, and the next thing he knows, she's shouting, "Hey, Sid, I need a box small condoms in isle 3!!" into her loudspeaker. The guy, embarrassed as hell, took his condoms and left.
A couple of hours later a kid about 16 years old walked into the pharmacy, also looking to buy a box of condoms. He didn't know what size to buy so he walked up to the blonde, and told her his problem. Sighing she said, "Alright, come here and let me see what you got." So he walked over to her, and she started to feel around. With a smirk, she reached over to her loud speaker, and shouted, "Hey, Sid, clean up in isle 3!!"Bullshit so far »
Lawyer and Witness
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."Bullshit so far »
Old Mans Wedding Night
An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does
that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."
Little Joey, at the back of the class, was squirming in his chair, not paying any attention to what was being taught. The teacher, Miss Wanda, approached him
to find out what the problem was.
Quite embarrassed, Joey whispered that he had just been circumcised, and he was quite itchy.
Miss Wanda sent him to the principal's office to phone his mom and ask her what to do about it. After making the phone call, little Joey returned to class and sat
All of a sudden, there was quite a commotion in the back of the room. The classmates around Joey were all laughing and giggling. Miss Wanda walked to the back of the class to see what was causing the disturbance. The teacher glanced over at Joey... He was sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
Miss Wanda was shocked at the sight: "What are you doing?" she gasped. "I thought I told you to call your mother!"
"I did," replied Joey. "My Mom told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."Bullshit so far »
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no."
The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney world!"Bullshit so far »
Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.Bullshit so far »
A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right away. The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."
On the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and
says, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"
The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."Bullshit so far »
3 Engineers and the Stalled Car
Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer,a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenlythe car stalls and stops by the side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests, "Let's strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might have occurred."
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests, "Maybe the fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the system."
The Microsoft engineer suggests, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it will work."Bullshit so far »
are women is Harbey like laxatives?
They He irritate the crap out of you.
A guy met a girl at a nightclub and she invited him back to her place for the night. She still lived with her parents, but they were out of town, so this was
the perfect opportunity.
They got back to her house and they went into her bedroom. When guy walked in the door, he noticed all sorts of fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them; fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill - there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later, after they've had sex, the guy turned to her and asked, "So, how was I?"
She replied, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."Bullshit so far »
Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was surprised when the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes. "And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded. "Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the bottled stuff. I've got to give you draft."Bullshit so far »
Well... Don't Do That!
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go to those places anymore"Bullshit so far »
Pick Up Rebuttals - at Harbey
Harbey: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
Harbey: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
Woman: "Want to Dance?"
Harbey: "No, thank you."
Woman: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
Harbey: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.
Harbey: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"
After hearing Harbey's pick-up line:
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."Last Call »
Harbey was like 'Disco Stu' in The Simpsons.... hahahahahahahaha« You're cut off!
Two fat guys in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"Bullshit so far »
Woman and the Midget
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with
the size difference and all."
"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"Bullshit so far »
A married couple were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the
stairs of his apartment, but he was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails spilling them all down the stairs. The door suddenly opens with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"Bullshit so far »
3 Labrador retrievers (chocolate, yellow and black colored) are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So why are you here?" He replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac", came the reply from the chocolate lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I crossed the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too", the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper", the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away." The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."Bullshit so far »
Dog or Dawg?
From the 1,000 times forwarded e-mail files...
To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference between Yankees and Southerners...Bullshit so far »
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs
(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg
(Southern) Circus Dawg
(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg"
(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.
(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg
(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg
(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs
(Southern) Mop Dawg
(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg
(Southern) Wienie Dawg
(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg
(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"
(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg
(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg
(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females to target unsuspecting men use a date rape drug on the market called "beer". ... Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts with women to whom they normally would never even talk.Last Call »
It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.« You're cut off!
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
What's a Harvey?
Harvey is trying to find out what is a Harvey?.
My definition for a Harvey:Last Call »
Harvey (n): a sour, senile, living emptiness; a meaningless void; a disease; a puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meat slapper; a half-wit reminding me of drool; deficient in all that lends character; having the personality of wall paper; dank and filthy; asinine and benighted; the source of all unpleasantness. [synonym: DickHead] "Don't be such a Harvey!"« You're cut off!
Harvey (v): To furiously masturbate [synonym: Spank the Monkey] "What are you doing in the bathroom so long, young man... Harveying?"
So in all fairness, I guess we should do a What is a Madfish? comment party.
Happy B-Day to my buddy - Pam over at Pamibe - She's my kind of gal!
Blogville High - '65
Where were you in '65?
If you can't remember, Der Commisar knows... Blogville 1965 High School Yearbook