Healthy Drinking Tips

[Originally posted on December 10, 2003]

Updated: 12.10 1:15am

Shaping Up Your Inner Child
Your girlfriend says it, your parents say it, and everyone at the court-mandated A.A. meetings say it: “You need therapy to discover the deep-seated motivations that make you drink so much.”

If they don’t buy your answer of “My competitive spirit,” then you may feel compelled to seek out and interrogate your inner child. And I’m going to help you.

Why? Because you cannot have a sound body unless you possess a sound mind. They go together like Jack and Coke, like blackouts and bruises.

In the spirit of that fine understanding, I will generously share a secret Swedish regression technique that will enable you to find your inner child and discover what makes you the drunk that you are.

Secrets of the Backa Genom Sprit
It is common knowledge among the village wisemen who live in the shadow of Kebnekaise, Sweden’s tallest mountain, that it is quite easy to delve inside your psyche using a powerful tool called Backa Genom Sprit. Which roughly translates into Regression Through Drinking.

While this sounds too easy and delightful too be true, I can readily assure you it is a highly effective technique. Ever since I became a practicing Spritist, I’ve had a much better relationship with my family.

What follows is a basic guideline to becoming a Spritist based on someone of average age, weight, and drinking ability. Modify your levels accordingly. It is best to do this alone or with a group of strangers you will never see again.

Level One: Jeff The Juvenile Delinquent
Number of drinks: 1-5
Regressive State: 16-20 years old
Common Behaviors: Rather relaxed, as the stress of the daily grind of your life slips from your shoulders. You may feel the urge to rebel against authority figures.
Common Revelations: Your job sucks, your life sucks and you will never be 17 again.

Level Two: The Hormonal Monster
Number of drinks: 6-10
Regressive State: 10-15 years old
Common Behaviors: Unnecessary hooting. Hitting girls that you are secretly attracted to. Complaining about your mother to strangers.
Common Revelations: You deserved every bruise your momma ever gave you, that she did the best with what she had, and that you now realize that every time you stole drinks from that bottle of peppermint schnapps she kept in her sewing box, you were actually stealing her only source of joy.

Level Three: The Wild Child
Number of drinks: 11-15
Regressive State: 5-9 years old
Common Behaviors: Pointing at people. Ignoring common sense. Poor math skills when trying to remember how many drinks you’ve had. A tendancy to treat women as both mysterious and icky.
Common Revelations: The dreams that you had as a child don’t die when you enter that cubicle. That if John Glenn can be an astronaut at age 70 there’s still time for you. That there’s still time to find that pink princess you used to draw.

Level Four: Harvey The Big Cry Baby
Number of drinks: 16-20
Regressive State: 0-4
Common Behaviors: Drooling. Grabbing breasts. Baby talk. Throwing temper tantrums when your bottle is taken away. Wetting your pants. Falling asleep in odd places.
Common Revelations: That you will forget much of this period, but you will later be haunted by painful feelings of disempowerment and being touched in naughty places.

So now that you know the way of the Spritist, a sect of peaceful Swedish mountain folk who have been quietly harvesting wheat and barley for centuries in pursuit of mental harmony, I hope that you too will be able to find inner peace and be able to create a stronger relationship with your friends and family and most importantly yourself.