The Adventures of Madfish Willie

[Originally posted on October 13, 2004]

I was working the joint during an unsually busy Happy Hour Party last Friday. There was a disheveled, goofy guy at the end of the bar scribbling furiously with a teeny, tiny little pencil in a small, black blood-stained book.

He was leaning back in Frank J's chair, with his feet kicked up on Misha's seat. Who was this freak? How dare he come into our place, sit in Frank J's special reserved place and put his feet on any chair, much less Misha's? The Rott was growling furiously, foaming at the mouth and straining at the chain to get at this interloper. [I was dog sitting The Rott for a couple of hours while Misha was out running around.] He didn't like the idea of someone sitting in Misha's seat. He didn't like people putting their feet up on the chairs, either.

This didn't look good. I could tell from my many years of experience dealing with dumb-asses that something bad was about to happen. I checked under the bar, making sure the Imperial ClueBat was handy, then I walked over and asked him if he needed something to drink.

"What is your blending capacity in this establishment?", he inquired.

"What the hell are you talking about, dude?", I replied.

Evil Glenn, in his puny, whiny voice asked "How many blenders do you have? I need massive quantities of my special energy drink, Puppy Smoothies, and that requires numerous blenders. Indeed!"

I just stood there, in stunned silence, for a moment, slowly realizing exactly who this was. I was staring evil incarnate directly in the eye.

I shouted "Indeed, my butt! You're Evil Glenn Reynolds - you puppy blending, robot dancing, hobo murdering, communist! Get you your ass out of here before I put a serious Texas Ass Whooping on you."

As I leapt over the bar to run him out, Harvey and Blackfive looked up from some weird thing they were doing in the far corner in absolute amazement. They couldn't believe their eyes! "Evil Glenn Must Die!" they cried in unison, and jumped out of their seats to give chase. Beer bottles and cocktail glasses flew all over the place as they rumbled and stumbled and bumbled toward Evil Glenn.

Seeing his eminent demise, Evil Glenn jumped up, knocking over tables and chairs. Bouncing off the wall, he ran toward the door to escape our righteous fury and indignant rage.

I noticed that he left his book of nastiness on the bar. I picked it up and heaved it across the room with all my might. Pages from the book tore out and went flying everywhere, the book striking the door-jam, narrowly missing Evil Glenn as he bolted out into the parking lot. He reached down quickly with his grubby right hand, grabbed what was left of his nasty-ass book and scurried away. The last we saw, he was seen running down the street and around the corner (no doubt in search of hobos to murder). As we sauntered back into the bar, huffing and puffing and generally our of breath, I couldn't help but think "It's a good thing that Lord Spatula wasn't here or Evil Glenn would be Toast!"

Alas, he was too quick for me today, but I did find out what he was writing on the pages in his Satanic book. It was absoutely horrible - the most vile, disgusting musings of a sick and twisted mind. Here are a few excerpts before I burn the pages of this trash in the fires of hell!

[ed. Strikethrough is original text that Evil Glenn marked out with his stubby no.2 pencil, and the italics is what he added to "make it right" so it "worked" for him]

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're in the hydrant blender." - Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about blending puppies." - Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead blended." - Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they Evil Glenn should always never take a blender go with you him in the car, in case the need should arise for them to be blended for barking violently at nothing right in your Evil Glenn's ear." - Dave Barry

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's hobo's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read all blendy and smooth." - Groucho Marx

"To his a hobo's dog, every man is Napoleon Evil Glenn; hence the constant popularity fear of dogs blenders." - Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down being blended." - Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs hobos spend their lives." - Sue Murphy

"I loathe people hobos who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people blend puppies themselves." - August Strindberg

"No animal puppy should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation blender." - Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they puppies must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow a murdered hobo. They must think we're the greatest hunters robot dancers on earth!" - Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs hobos think poodles puppies are members of a weird religious blending cult." - Rita Rudner

"My dog hobo is worried about the economy because Alpo blended puppy is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog Evil Glenn money." - Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality communism, it is that certain dogs blended puppies I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons hobos." - James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry blend a person hobo with pets puppies." - Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's a hobo's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are a wonderful puppy blender." - Ann Landers

"Women and cats Evil Glenn will do as they he pleases, and men hobos and dogs puppies should relax and get used to the idea of being murdered and blended." - Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's Evil Glenn's importance evilness, everyone should have a dog hobo that will worship him and a cat dancing robot that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath blending is one of the most fond memories!" - Dr. Tom Cat Glenn Reynolds

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face in a blender." - Ben Williams

"When a man's hobo's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem will be blended." - Edward Abbey

"Cat's Evil Glenn's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog hobo did it." - Unknown

"MoneyEvil Glenn will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of blend his tail." - Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation puppy blending as the dog Evil Glenn does." - Christopher Morley

"A blended dog puppy is the only thing on earth that Evil Glenn loves you more than he loves himself." - Josh Billings

"Man Evil Glenn is a dog's hobo's idea of what God should be." - Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog blended puppy is a nicer person than the average person murderded hobo." - Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion blend him till he's smooth and creamy." - Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog hobo and make him prosperous murder him, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a hobo man and a blended puppy." - Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier hobo may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane hobo murderer." - Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts Evil Glenn is about to blend them." - John Steinbeck

As we all know, Evil Glenn posses an evil the likes of which mankind has never seen (that's why he is called Evil Glenn). He must be stopped at all costs!

Update: I found out what Harvey and Blackfive were talking about and it's not a good thing. Let Harvey tell you what's going on!

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!