Thanksgiving Week

Things To Do Thanksgiving Day If You Want To Be Excused Early:

  • Remind your 12 year old brother/sister that you left those condoms they asked for in the closet upstairs.

  • Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed to take off your clothes at the dinner table.

  • Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.

  • Shoot olive pits at Grampa's glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!)

  • Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.

  • When it's your turn to state what you are thankful for, say "latex sheets and crisco".

  • Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.

  • Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.

  • Sit at the "children's table" and lecture them on just why we need to increase the teenage pregnancy population.

  • Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.

  • As the family is being seated, shout, "Oh my Gawd, I forgot to show you all my genitalia piercing I got on Halloween!!"

  • Hold your nose while you eat.

  • Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

  • Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing".

  • Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that you've got a new fear of choking.

  • When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.

  • During dinner, ask your brother if his mistress solved that little "dead rabbit" problem.

  • Turn to Dad and tell him to advise your brother, having experienced that himself.

  • Promise that the winner of the "wishbone tug" gets to sleep with your date. (sex/age unimportant)

  • Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, "THE SAFETY IS ON", while you hold your pocket.
Good Luck!

» by Madfish Willie on November 25 :: Permalink :: Comments (3) :: Funny Stuff
» Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love links with: Tuesday Links
» Tiger: Raggin' & Rantin' links with: Why don't they ever serve Pizza?

Trackbacks to Thanksgiving Week
Tuesday Links
Excerpt: Madfish Willie's Cyber Bar has a post about Things You Can Do To Get Excused From the Dinner Table Early on Thanksgiving. Donnie at Ain't Done It! talks about racism and bio-weapons - and, yes, they are related in his
Weblog: Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love
Tracked: November 25, 2003 02:13 PM
Why don't they ever serve Pizza?
Excerpt: Do ya just hate those big family get-togethers over Thanksgivin' and am always lookin' for a way to be excused a bit early so you can go someplace where ya don't have to look across the table at gramma gummin'...
Weblog: Tiger: Raggin' & Rantin'
Tracked: November 25, 2003 08:39 PM

I'm printing this out and taking it with me! That way, I can tick one item off at a time! :)

Posted by: Linda on November 25, 2003 10:22 AM

Is it a problem if you've already completed this list? I ask only for information.

Posted by: physics geek on November 25, 2003 10:25 PM

What else can i say after all this ?!

Posted by: Alexander Phil on October 1, 2004 04:53 AM