After Your Fifth Drink....

Here is a list that tells you when you are have officially become a drunkard. It comes from Modern Drunkurd Magazine.

Which one are YOU today?

Numbers 181-207 of 207:

  1. You have a born-on date tattooed on your beer gut.

  2. You hold a bottle of hair spray and say, "Man, if you were ice cold."

  3. You're addressed by three separate liquor store owners as "the guy who paid for my houseboat."

  4. You often confuse the word breakfast with Bloody Marys, i.e., "What are we going to have for Bloody Marys this morning?"

  5. You know that liquor is especially tasty when it comes from the secret hiding place in your roommates's closet.

  6. You can, in a pinch, construct a fully-operational keg tap from a cigarette lighter, two clothespins and lots of love.

  7. You get in a heated conversation with your barstool neighbor about the proper way to vomit from a moving vehicle.

  8. At 2am you proclaim, "The party ain't over until the fat lady says no!"

  9. You need a cosigner to open a bar tab.

  10. The monkey on your back is in rehab.

  11. You know that, with a bouncer's assistance, man in capable of short-term flight.

  12. You have recurring dream you're hired by the Guinness\Playboy Research foundation to prove twenty pints a day improves your sex life.

  13. You often take your lover for romantic strolls among the picturesque aisles of liquor superstores.

  14. You will eat a bug for a shot.

  15. You know wine is mentioned in the Bible over 250 times. Perrier? Not once!

  16. You have strained cigarette-butt infested beer through your teeth.

  17. You consider 3.2 beer on Sunday as Uncle Sam's cruel taunt.

  18. You can hear someone whisper "free beer" from three blocks away.

  19. You know the heartbreak of watching the bartender dump the spill tray.

  20. You call the bartending academy, inquiring as to what they do with their mistakes.

  21. You refer to your refrigerator as "the stand-up beer cooler."

  22. You give directions with liquor stores and bars the the major landmarks, i.e., "You'll pass Argonaut's Liquors on the left and Scooter's on the right, then turn right on the street between the Satire Lounge and the Lion's Lair, then continue until you see the tree that looks like a huge martini glass."

  23. You think vomiting is the body's way of making room for the next round.

  24. The first thing you look for on a wine label is the alcohol content.

  25. You consider Aqua Velvet a daring after-hours liqueur.

  26. You recognize last call as a secret signal that all unattended drinks are fair game.

  27. When someone says "expensive wine," you think "gallon jug."

  28. Four years of research and three hours of writing went into your masterful college thesis, "MD 20\20: Self-Esteem Enhancer For the Leisure Classes, or Cancer Cure for the Working Masses?"

Tomorrow: A round-up and gratuitous LinkFest of past claimers of the numbers!

ยป by Madfish Willie on January 23 :: Permalink :: Comments (2) :: Funny Stuff

Trackbacks to After Your Fifth Drink....

#204 - Anything under 12% is called a "Cooler" and is only fit for underage girls named tiffany...

hmmmm... tiffany...

Another round of Boones Farm over here, ya lazy bastid!

Posted by: Marty on January 23, 2004 01:42 PM

I'm thinking 192 would be that Guinness-swiller, Mike the Marine

196 - not exactly, but I once mistook the bottle of Miller that someone was using for a spittoon for a legitmate beverage.

Posted by: Harvey on January 24, 2004 05:12 PM