Updated fairy tales

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her. As Cinderella sat crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appeared and promised to provide her with everything she needed to go to the ball, but only on two conditions:

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agreed. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00am. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agreed to be home by 2:00am.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00am, Cinderella shows up looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"

"I can't remember, exactly. Peter Peter, something or other...."
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Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever needed, and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him,"How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
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Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket, pulled out a .44 magnum, pointed it at him and said, "No you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court. The judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy. I said she's fucking Goofy."
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Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
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Did you know Captain Hook died from jock itch?