A Record

Three little people... aw, hell! This is Madfish's place!

Three dwarves are sittin' around drinking at the bar here the other night, just telling each other sob stories, and feeling sorry for themselves. I made my way over and asked what was depressing them.

One of them looks at me, and starts to cry. "We've come to a realization: we are never going to amount to anything! We're all going to die as unkowns!"

I kindly, and gently, reach over the bar and slap the side of his head, "Pull yourself together, man! This is a BAR, not a frickin' nursery!" Then in my best "helpful bartender" voice, I ask, "Have you guys thought about getting into showbiz?"

"Yeah, we've tried. Just isn't happening."

So I ask, "Have you gotten in touch with Blackfive? I hear he likes to party with you little bastards... or maybe that's bring you to parties as... either way, you could meet some influential people hanging with him!"

"Have you been sampling the stock? MIDGETS!!! Blackfive favors MIDGETS! WE. ARE. DWARVES!" screams the cry baby, as he bangs his fist on the bar.

Suddenly, I had an idea. "Let me see your hand, Tiny Tim!" He holds out his hands, and they are tiny. "Holy Shit! I've never seen such small hands! That's something... why not go over to Guinness and see if you can't get yourselves into the record books?"

Their eyes all light up, and smiles abound as they finish their beers and run out the door.

The next night, two of them come back, all grins.

"So how'd that work out for ya?"

The cry baby smiles and says, "You are now looking at the record holder for smallest adult hands!"

The other one looks at me, smiles, and says, "Well, I got to thinking about how small my feet were, and thought, 'What the hell? Can't hurt to see.' And I now own the record for smallest adult feet... male or female! Pour us a couple of shots to help celebrate! Matter of fact, get yourself one while your about it!"

So we did the shots, and then curiousity took over. "Where's the third guy at?"

Tiny Tim looks at me and shakes his head. "You're not likely to see him again. See, he had a very small penis, and he felt sure that he would get the record. Not that he was proud of it, but it was something. But the poor bastard came out of the Guinness office cryin'. Seems some guy by the name of Harvey Olson already has that record locked up!