Madfish Willie's Costume Contest & Clusterfuck

[Originally posted November 1, 2003 - some links will not be current - too fuckin bad if that bother you]

It was a dark and stormy night…Well, it was nighttime, and the rain was pouring down on our heads like a cow peeing on a flat rock. Lightning bolts blasting through the black night followed closely by the thunderous booms of the cracked sound barrier. It was a great night for a Halloween Party at Madfish Willie's. The whole gang was coming down - the Corner of the Bar Gang, the Corner of the Bar Babes, all the Munuvians and various other assorted fruitcakes, kooks, and freaks of nature. After all, the Madfish Willie's Halloween Party, Costume Contest, and Clusterfuck was the biggest party of the year - even bigger than New Years Eve.

Harvey and Blackfive were the first to arrive. I almost didn't recognise them, except I could always tell Harvey by his big ole clown feet. He wore the big red clown shoes all year round - and he was always tripping and falling down and shit. Harvey was dressed as the Scarecrow with straw coming out of his shirt sleeves and pant legs a hollowed out pumpkin on his head. [He really needs a heart, too]

"Dam, Harvey doesnt that smell like shit after a while?" Blackfive asked.

"No, I'm used to the smell - I am a Sanitation Engineer ya know," Harvey mumbled back.

Blackfive was a Rodeo Clown. The whole clown face thing and a polka dot long sleeved shirt, and blue long johns under a pair of big old baggy knee length shorts, held up by red suspenders. He was wearing an old beat up crushed straw cowboy hat to top it off.

Next to arrive was Finn the Viking who was dressed as… you guessed it, a Viking Warrior. He was wearing one of those Viking helmets with the big horns sticking out the sides like you see at the football games. Long, flowing blonde hair and carrying a giant norse broadsword. Heavy animal skins draped his massive shoulders. He was accompanied by his beautiful and scantily clad red-haired wench, Linda.

Following them into the party were a bunch of bloggers in their great, costumed characters:

Susie - An old time Barmaid with short skirt, fishnet stockings, and a frilly low, low-cut blouse;

Helen - I Dream of Jeanie with the veil and that sexy little see through jeanie outfit;

Kate - Playboy Bunny with the bunny ears and those big hooters not quite completely stuffed into the push up thingy they wear and poking everybody in the eye who walked by

Serenity - Lela from Futurama with one big eye in the middle (I don’t how she saw where the hell she was going all night), black boots, and wrist thingy she kept hitting everyone with;

Dana, America's #1 Pin up Girl - Ginger in her slinky form-fitting, silk floor-length formal dress;

Heather - Mary Ann in a pair of short, short, short cut off jeans and half shirt tied at the… well… the boobs and just barely keeping them from popping right out;

Candy - A Mermaid with long golden curls, itty bitty shiny green bikini top with her boobies popping out, and long green fish tail;

Jennifer - Dr Beverly Crusher from Star Trek TNG in a skin-tight, form-fitting, blue, one-piece uniform;

Emporer Misha I - Master of His Domain, complete with his two snarling, slobbering, rottweilers - Geri and Freki

Frank J - came as a Fucking Hippy with tie-died shirt with a peace sign on the front, matching head scarf, tattered dirty jeans with holes in the ass and half torn off patches on the knees, dark aviator sunglasses and a goddamn white daisy flower in his filthy fucking hair – and boy did he stink!;

SilverBlue - the Red Skelton Hobo with really heavy make-up – he maybe went a little overboard on that - but he smelled like booze and vomit, real nasty, and had bags under his bloodshot eyes;

Lord Spatula I - Bad Ass Biker Dude in boots, chains, no shirt, black leather vest and chaps, or maybe he was some type of S&M guy, who knows;

Ted - Rocket Jones, the scientist extraordinaire with pocket protector, black horn-rims with the bridge taped together with adhesive tape, calculator, slide rule and everything ;

Victor - Gilligan… yes, that Gilligan with the goofy hat and the dumb-ass faux sailor outfit - damn, Victor is a natural spittin image of Gilligan ;

Pixy Misa - Captain Jon-Luc Picard, in complete control of all he surveys;

Jim - Wild Thing from Major League - damn if he didn’t look exactly like him too, right down to the jagged haircut in the back, the big black horn rimmed glasses and Cleveland Indians uniform

Don - Long John Silver, the Pirate, although he kept trying to convince Helen he was Long Dong Silver, the porn star.

Tom - Norton from the Jackie Gleason show with the white t-shirt, vest and stupid looking hat;

Mookie - Raggedy Andy with red mop-haired wig, freckles and red and white checkered outfit;

Daniel - Data with silver face paint and no emotion chip (he wasn’t any fun - too rigid)

Simon - Frank N Stein, with big black shoes with 3” soles, flat head, ugly face, scare on forehead and bolts sticking out his neck. Then he put his costume on.;

Tuning Spork - He didn’t have a name for his costume. He wore what looked like a commode made of Styrofoam with the lid up. It had the tank on the back, with a roll of toilet paper on a roller on the side of the tank, a vase of flowers and a newspaper on the top of the tank with his head sticking out the center of the bowl! We didn’t know what to call him, so we named him Shithead!

Stevie - Father Guido Sarducci with black robe, white priest collar, across hanging from his neck and a black short-brimmed hat. And a King James Version Holy Bible.

Cherry - French Maid with short black skirt, black blouse with plunging, and I do mean plunging neckline and little white apron, thigh high black hose with the line up the back and 4” black come fuck me pumps;

LeAnn - Cheesehead, a Green Bay Packers fan, complete with a Brett Favre jersey and the cheese block hat;

Tiger - Cowboy Gorilla, big hairy suit (or was the big hairy dude just naked?), red bandana, white cowboy hat and longneck beer;

Tim - Crash Test Dummy wearing a flesh colored sweat suit with a double set of tire tracks running up the front, around the side and down the back;

Straight White Guy - Locutus of Borg and who spent the whole night trying to catch Picard and beat the shit out of assimilate him;

Doc Russia - Dr Bashir with genetically engineered genius IQ wearing the blue operating smock and facemask with a stethoscope draped around his neck;

Well we were partying our ass off and drinking way too much, especially Blackfive who keeps ordering 6 beers at a time. Damn, how the fuck can he keep drinking like that and still stand up? Lots o’ practice… I guess.

About midnight, we ran our costume contest. We turned up the house lights, and turned off the house music. Everyone in costume gets on the dance floor and walks around in a circle while the judges select the best contestants for a yell-off to determine the winner of the $500.00 cash prize! We play all the cool Halloween tunes like Monster Mash, Thriller, and the rest of kind of crap. Then, we picked what we thought were the best costumes and actors playing the part.

The judges picking the Best Costumes were Harvey, Blackfive, Misha (because nobody's gonna give him any shit if they don't like our choices), and me, Madfsih Willie (shit I goota learnd how spill me name wright).

Our finalists were: Finn the Viking and wench, Helen as I Dream of Jeanie, Cherry as French Maid, Straight White Guy as Locutus of Borg, Jim as Wild Thing, and Tuning Spork as Shithead.

We cleared the dance floor of the other contestants and bought them each a beer. Then as we called each finalist out the crowd cheered for their favorite costume. Each blogger stepped forward to thunderous appluse and great shouting. When each contestant stepped forward, the cheers just got louder and louder. Back and forth and back and forth.

It was such a close vote that we couldn't decide! And we gotta give the prizes away! What to do?

I'm gonna give you the chance to tell me who should win the costume contest. Vote in the comments until Monday night. Tuesday morning we'll announce the winner!