Thanksgiving Excuses

Things To Do Thanksgiving Day If You Want To Be Excused Early:

  • Remind your 12 year old brother/sister that you left those condoms they asked for in the closet upstairs.

  • Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed to take off your clothes at the dinner table.

  • Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.

  • Shoot olive pits at Grampa's glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!)

  • Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.

  • When it's your turn to state what you are thankful for, say "latex sheets and crisco".

  • Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.

  • Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.

  • Sit at the "children's table" and lecture them on just why we need to increase the teenage pregnancy population.

  • Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.

  • As the family is being seated, shout, "Oh my Gawd, I forgot to show you all my genitalia piercing I got on Halloween!!"

  • Hold your nose while you eat.

  • Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

  • Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing".

  • Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that you've got a new fear of choking.

  • When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.

  • During dinner, ask your brother if his mistress solved that little "dead rabbit" problem.

  • Turn to Dad and tell him to advise your brother, having experienced that himself.

  • Promise that the winner of the "wishbone tug" gets to sleep with your date. (sex/age unimportant)

  • Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, "THE SAFETY IS ON", while you hold your pocket.
Good Luck!

ยป by Madfish Willie on November 23 :: Permalink :: Comments (1) :: Other Crap

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"latex sheets and crisco"

I'm thankful for that EVERY DAY! :-P

Posted by: Harvey on November 24, 2004 09:32 AM