Thanksgiving Excuses

Things To Do Thanksgiving Day If You Want To Be Excused Early:

• Remind your 12 year old brother/sister that you left those condoms they asked for in the closet upstairs.


• Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed to take off your clothes at the dinner table.


• Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.


• Shoot olive pits at Grampa's glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!)


• Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.


• When it's your turn to state what you are thankful for, say "latex sheets and crisco".


• Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.


• Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.


• Sit at the "children's table" and lecture them on just why we need to increase the teenage pregnancy population.


• Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.


• As the family is being seated, shout, "Oh my Gawd, I forgot to show you all my genitalia piercing I got on Halloween!!"


• Hold your nose while you eat.


• Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.


• Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing".


• Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that you've got a new fear of choking.


• When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.


• During dinner, ask your brother if his mistress solved that little "dead rabbit" problem.


• Turn to Dad and tell him to advise your brother, having experienced that himself.


• Promise that the winner of the "wishbone tug" gets to sleep with your date. (sex/age unimportant)


• Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, "THE SAFETY IS ON", while you hold your pocket.