Mad Dog Bad Example Hervey's Turkey Day

I talked to Harvey earlier today and asked him how his Turkey Day went. He goes into this long diatribe about how everyone in his family came over to the trailer for Turkey Day and he even had an unexpected guest.

Lorena catches Debbie adding a box of Ex-Lax to Diane's special brown gravy to insure that everyone will "be regular" afterwards.

Niece Laura shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of it and proudly displays nephew Matthew's summons for his court date to answer for beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined Laura's new coat.

Blogless Brother John, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his "piece" in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars.

Cousin Ronnie shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Shandra, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister.

Uncle Roy coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup and asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of "Redman" chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back home.

Aunt Patty shows up with freaky sister Connie, who brings her new "best friend" as well as her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show.

Second-cousin Blogless Tom brings as his guest his current analyst, who's doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial subcultures.

Uncle Mike, who's legally blind but can see some shapes and colors and shadows and who also got legally blind fucking stone drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Sarah, keeps "accidentally" nearly falling into all the women and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.

13-year-old cousin Derrick asks his cousins Ben & Jeff if he can borrow their thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an eight-ball "rock" he just bought from cousin Scott.

Uncle Harvey serves the turkey flambe' by pouring some his famous homemade 'shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what hair is left on Uncle Gary's head and gives third-degree burns to his balding pate, filling the dining room with the stench of roasting human as well as turkey flesh, as 911 is called for the second time on this special Thanksgiving holiday.

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Then, wouldn't you know it, on top of all this insanity, Jake is raising all kinds of hell at the door. No wonder, here comes Evil Glenn. Evil Glenn arrives carrying his super sized 7-11 mug full o' puppy smoothy in one hand and a hairless Chi-hua-hua doggie under his other scrawny pale-skinned arm. Jake jumps through the living room window and hauls ass down the street.

"Power's out over my trailer!" Evil Glenn exclaims. "I need to use your 'puter to surf the net for penguin porn, kangaroo humpin and XXX Black Peeing Porn! I might as well eat turkey dinner with you while I'm here. Oh, and I brought dessert!"

As they sit down for dinner Evil Glenn volunteers to say the thanksgiving prayer. Little did they know it would be a commie prayer to Satan!

After dinner Evil Glenn makes hisself at home and sits in Harvey's big orange bean bag chair in the corner of the room across from the 13" B&W TV with the tin foil antennaes on a coat hanger. He reads yesterday's paper, scouring the personal ads for a date. He finds one, makes a short phone call on Harvey's 1970 era rotary phone, jumps up, does a robot dance.

"I gotta go talk to Mudfish Billie and Fatty Sue" he screams joyously and runs down the road to his shitty little gin joint called Blender's. "See ya'll later. I gotta go murder some hobos and then I gots me a date" he shouts over his shoulder to the Trailer Park Addams Family.

"That was a great Thanksgiving Day. Now 'scuse me, I gotta go hunt down Jake," Harvey cries as he hangs up the phone.

[The strangest thing about the whole day is, no one in Harvey's family thought the second thing about Evil Glenn's perverse and evil activities! FREAKS!]

[Originally posted: November 28, 2003]