Willie,

That's be funny if it weren't so GD true!

And now you know what REALLY happened to Ken's balls, too...

Quit spankin' yer monkey over in my comments & get sumthin' posted! :-P

What's the matter Bartender? Someone pour superglue into Inflatable Katie & now you can't see around her to type up a post? :-P

You better post, Bartender. Don't make me jump behind the bar...

Hey? Anybody here?? Damnit Bartender....I came over here for a drink and a joke! What cha got dude? Hello???

Harvey? Make me a drink would ya? I can't find the Captain.

[hops over bar]

Sure thing, little lady. What can I get for you? Screaming Orgasm? Sex on the Beach? Sloppy Cunnilingus?

...ok, I made that last one up...

Hmmm, let's see.

I haven't done a Blow-job in a while. Let's start with one of those then I'll take some Sex on th Beach.

I'm gonna strike up the ole jukebox - since I know what kind of music you like now. ;-)

Start with a festive country tune to get the place swingin'.

Meanwhile, here's your drink.

Remember - no hands...

BARKEEP! Drinks ON me.

*shrugs*

[pours beer over Keeme's head]

Huh. No hands, no problem. Hell, this ain't my first time at the rodeo. Speaking of rodeo, where IS that mechanical bull.....I'm in the mood for a little ride.

Did someone says mechanics???

Oh, mechanical bull

*sigh* dammit

Sorry I'm late; I'm always the last to arri... isn't that position on the mechanical bull a little unusual? Oh well. Guess I'll start drinking heavily.

Yo Harvey! Did Mudfish leave the Guinness tap active?

If by "active" you mean wired directly to a 220V outlet to prevent tampering and/or theft, then yes.

Let me see if I can defuse this sucker...

[dons heavy rubber gloves & grabs bolt cutters]

Now, this is delicate work, so please... no distractions. I have to concentra...

What's Tammi doing on that bull? And doesn't that position violate the laws of phys...

****ZZZZZORCH!****

...ow...

Cool! I can see all of Harvey's internal organs.

Hey, somebody help Harvey pick them up.

Oh, and I'm way to classy to ever visit here... really. :-P

... ok... well, this worked last time... *ahem*... feel free to sing along... sorry, I am a bit rusty...

So a lawyer, a physics geek, and a road warrior walked into a bar ...

Harvey, get me a Guinness would ya? Make that two, please.

Great tunes, Eric! Now I sit back and watch the women dance.

Hello!!

Anybody here?!

Hey, Christina! Want a Guinness? I haven't drank out of this one, yet.

Thanks!!

I'm not much of a driinnkkker...

Whoa, that's pretty strong...

Did somebody say Guinness?

BRILLIANT!!!

I'll take seven...

[Keeme thinks to himself] "I said drinks on me and that cat poured a drink on me"
[then decides to try and see if this will bring lots of other literal things]

"BARKEEP, A SEX ON THE BEACH please"

Whew -- that was SOME ride!

Keeme - are you sure you want to ask HARVEY for a Sex on the Beach, he IS the bartender. ;-)

Damn, my blow job went flat - Harvey!!! Can I have another? This time make that bad boy stiff!

"So a lawyer, a physics geek, and a road warrior walked into a bar ..."

And the physics geek says, "First assume a spherical cow"... what do you mean, you don't get it? Gah. Time for more beer.

::breaks out tools::

Cause fixin' that bull is gonna be thirsty work.

And Harvey, just tie your innards together with a rubber band, take some Pepto-Bismol and stop complaining like it's the first time you've been blowed up. I need some help over here.

OOHHHH, a man with tools!

and look how big his screwdriver is!
I sure hope you know how to use that.
*pointing at screwdriver*

Cause I sure want to ride that bull.

[wraps mid-section with duct tape]

I should be ok. Duct tape fixes everything.

Just need to sterilize the wound. Since most of the bleeding seems to be internal...

[grabs 25-year-old scotch off the top shelf & drinks deeply]

Anyway, back to mixin' drinks...

One Blowjob for Tammi, one Sex on the Beach for Keeme.

I hope I didn't get those orders backwards. If I did, then Keeme - get the Blowjob from Tammi, and Tammi - get the Sex on the Beach from Keeme.

Anyway...MIKE! CATCH!

[tosses 7 full glasses of Guinness to Mike the Marine]

Seven? You drinking Matty O'Blackfive's 6-pack for him?

I'll have a Fuzzy Navel...

Um, Harv, please get that angora mitten out from under my blouse--I meant the DRINK!

Ok, Susie, where DO you want me to "stick the mitten"? ;-)

Whoa! Harvey is glowing... what happened? And how come Bosco is stuck to the ceiling? I thought he always sat on your shoulder Harvey!

So, what's good to drink? And I don't want what Harvey had... my hair would look really funny stuck out in all directions like that.

I'll turn off the lights and see if Harvey's glow will light up the whole bar. I need a drink... pppllleeeassse.

Hey Harvey, do you have any chocolate syrup or whipped cream back there? Surely you brought your stash...

[Keeme smiles and buys round upon round of drinks for EVERYONE]
BARKEEP! An orgasm for the ladies and Blow-jobs for all the cats!

"Thanks Harv... I love you man (in a bloggerly way).

[sets out line of drinks on bar]

A "Hairspray" for Teresa

A "Glowworm" for Bug

A "Reddi-Choco Panty Peeler" for Bou

AND

[brings up tray]

Free Blowjobs & Screaming Orgasms

Now, if you'll excuse me a sec, I gotta see if Physics Geek is having some kinda problem with that bull.

Hope he hasn't transformed it into some erotic mind-control device. That's what LIQUOR is for...

Wait... do I drink that or apply that to my body?

Um.... Eh. It's ladies' night. Your call :-)

Hey Harv,

Yer damn right I'm drinkin' Matty's six-pack. Plus one more for the Corps!

After that I'm drinkin' one fer Chesty: IRISH CAR BOMBS! WHO'S COMIN' WITH ME?!?!

I have a nice glow going now. One more barkeep to make me really shine. ;-)

Mmmm... shiny bug...

By the way VW, I think your headlights are on. Maybe I should turn up the thermostat a little...

Mike - Um... who's Chesty? Is this some girl I should meet? Anyway, here's your Irish Car Bomb:

1 oz Irish Cream
1 oz Irish Whiskey
1 oz Everclear

Served flaming.

[Somewhere in the--now--crowded bar someone shouts out] NAKED LIMBO!!!!!

[silence comes over the patrons and all eyes turn to Harvey. We wait with anticipation as to his next move (which will dictate what, as his followers, will do next).Then the Limbo Rock starts to play on the jukebox]

"Every limbo boy and girl, all around the limbo world..."

Limbo Rock sample from Amazon

Bonus points if you can do it with a shot balanced on your forehead!

[looks at watch]

Crap! I gotta get to Orlando!

See you guys later...

Wow. This place looks tornado struck...

*shrugs*

*jumps back behind bar*

Who's thirsty?

[pouring myself a little sumthin' off the top shelf]

They'll be back...

They ALWAYS come back.

[singing]

I drink alone.

Yeah, with nobody else.

You know when I drink alone,

I prefer to be myself...

Aww, hell, Harv, i hate to hear yeh singing like that. I mean, realy, take some lessons or something.

eh, screw it, pass us a bottle of rye, and i'll show yeh some REAL bad singin'.
:-D

Rye? Kinda weird, but ok:

[slides loaf of bread down the length of the bar]

There's your "bigloaf of rye".

Why are you staring at me like that? And when you answer that question, speak up. My hearing ain't what it used to be.

~Smartarse~
:-D
~Takes a shot of bread anyway~
Now, if you don't mind some rye WHISKEY, will loosen me gob and let flow me voice from which cats flee in terror. Though, i'll tell ye, this'd be a hell of a lot more interesting with an AUDIENCE!! I mean, i can't throw empty beer bottles at meself, now, can i?
:-D

**picking up beer bottles and lining the up for easy access**

Go 'head Tommy. Wail away! I'm ready. ;-)

Oh, and Harvey? Toss me that bottle of tequila-no I don't need no stickin' shot glass....that's for amatures!

Oh! WHUSKEE! Coming right down...

[slides bottle down to Tommy]

Tammi, I have to throw this bottle of Tequila way up high so that you have to jump up, grab for it, and make your boobs jiggle in the process, and possibly come flying right out of that little tube top.

It's... uh... an old Mexican tequila-drinking tradition.

I'm sure you've heard of it ;-)

Hell yeah, an audience, now where'd i put me drinkin mix CD? I'm thinking that's just the ticket... Maybe a little of the Rare Auld Mountian Dew.

Oh, and it's a very old tradition, i'll back Harvey on that one. Pre-Columbian Tequilleristas (that is, of course, the name the Spanish gave to them when they slept off their hangovers) were VERY specific on the matter.
:-D

[sips scotch while waiting for bouncing & singing to commence]

You can't fool me! I'm fully aware of this tradition. I also know that I have to do a backbend while drinking...heh, you forgot that part didn't you!

Not my first time at the rodeo

I don't know which is worse, the jokes on this site, or this comment party.

*sigh*

Pour me a root-beer.

[pours root beer for GEBIV]

[adds drop of LSD for flavor]

Here ya go.

And I hope that snippy comment wasn't a shot at Tammi's flexibility. Watching her bend makes me straigten out ;-)

Anyway, this is more like Happy Hour than a party.

I'm still recovering from the party part :-)

However, GEBIV, feel free to regale us with a few jokes in the meantime.

[checks tomato supply]

Two blondes walk into a bar on the street.

You'd think the second one would have noticed the first hit it and step aside...

Ok, I *like* blonde jokes, so I won't tomato you this time.

My turn:

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"

"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

Since that one went over so well, how about this:

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, “Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.

Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”

The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”

This guy is drinking in a bar up at the top of the Empire State building when he notices a drunk at the other end. After downing a row of shots, the drunk staggers over to the window and jumps out!

A few moments later, the guy comes sailing in a window on the other side of the bar. The guy can't believe it.

He goes over to the drunk and asks him, "How did you do that?"

The drunk replies with a slur, "Shimple. The wind up here is sho shtrong that it blowsh you right back into another window."

The guy doesn't belive him, even though he had just seen it, so the drunk volunteers to do it again.

And so he staggers over to the window, jumps out, and comes floating back a moment later.

The guy thinks to himself If that drunk can do it, so can I! So he jumps out the window and falls, screaming, to his death.

The bartender looks over at the drunk and says, "You know, Superman. You're a real jerk when you're drunk."

Why don't witches wear panties?
Better grip on the broom.

Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes twelve steps.

How many drunks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. All he has to do is hold the bulb while the room spins around him.

Q. How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

A1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned out bulb?
A2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not
up to code.
A3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
A4. Rottweiler: Make me.
A5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
A6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can
I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
A7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from
the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one
more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of
the situation.
A8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the
walls and furniture.
A9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light
bulb?
A10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.
A11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
A12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
A13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
A14. New Zealand Sheep Dog: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a
little cluster...
A15. Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do
it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

How many feminists does it take to replace a lightbulb?

One. And there's nothing funny about it!

How many U.N. people does it take to change a lightbulb?

They're up to 5,209 so far. But we'll let you know when they get out of conference.

Not to sound like I'm whining, but there is something wrong when a man hasn't posted for almost a month, and still gets more hits per day than I get per week...

I know Harv, "Shut up and enter the Carnivals."

When I do, it just brings the Carival numbers down...

GEBIV - I'm just trying to keep the place warm until the jackass comes back. Meanwhile, here's a joke that I'm dedicating to our beloved absent Bartender:

HARV: ''Add this up for me... A ton of sawdust, a ton of horse manure, and a ton of old 70's porn movies. Now, have you got all that in your head?''

BARTENDER: ''Yes.''

HARV:''Yeah, I thought so.''

A pig went into McDonalds, got a Coke, went to the restroom and left. A second pig went into McDonalds, got two Cokes, went to the bathroom and left. A third pig went into McDonalds, got three Cokes, and was about to leave, when the man at the counter asked, "Why didn't you go to the restroom like the other pigs?"
The pig replied, "Because I'm the pig that goes, 'Wee Wee Wee' all the way home!"

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

“DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS
BEING SAWED.
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL THE GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!”

Whoa, look at this, Harv! Google is your friend!

http://sanefishwilliams.blogspot.com/

*BUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRP*

Come on, everybody! Belching contest!

*pppfffffffffffffffpppppttttttt*

Oh, wait... you said "belching", didn't you?

Anyway...

Q: Why was the blonde late for work?
A: She was stranded on the broken escalator.

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give her a job.

"Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told her. The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best.

She came back sweating like a pig. ''Christ, how many trees did you cut down?'' asked the foreman.

''6'' she replied.

''What!? You have to do beter than that. Get up earlier tommorow.'' The foreman said. So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.

'How many this time?'' asked the foreman.

''12'' she said.

The foreman says, ''That does it. I'm coming out there with you tommorow morning.''
The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, ''This is how to cut down trees really quickly.'' He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically. So he asks her what's wrong. She replies, ''What the hell is that?'''

How do you make a Blonde's eyes sparkle?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

There’s a dead old woman in your driveway.

There’s a dead old woman in your driveway who?

No. Seriously. There’s a dead old woman in your driveway.

Actually, that’s just my piss-drunk bar slut of a grandmother. She sells toothless mouth love for “mind eraser” shooters at the Tyson’s Mall TGIFriday’s. Let the whore sleep it off.

Mheh?

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little worried.
"What's your name, birdie?"
"Moses."
"What dumbass named you Moses?"
"The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus."

HARV: Hey Bartender! You ever seen a jackass wrapped in plastic?

BARTENDER: No.

HARV: Look at your driver's license.

Q: What do you call a hundred blondes stacked up on each other?

A: An air mattress.

Why is it dangerous to go in the jungle after 5 p.m?
Because elephants jump out of trees after 5 p.m.

Why do beavers have flat tails?
Because they go in the jungle after 5 p.m!

Why are pygmies so short?
They went into the jungle after 5 P.M.

Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out burning ducks.

What do you find between the toes of elephants?
Slow moving natives.

(You don't want to get me started on elephant jokes...)

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop!

Why did the Jolly Green Giant get kicked out of the garden?

Because he took a pea!

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.

Curse You!

Now I can't watch football anymore.

Did you hear that Bill Gates bought the world-wide rights to Viagra?

He's renaming it MICROHARD.

A fish hit its head on a cement wall.
"Dam."

Q: What's the diffrence between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A: A drug dealer can't clean his crack and re-sell it!

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, ''Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.''
So the Doberman says, ''I love liver and cheese.''

The Collie says, ''That's not good enough.''

The Bulldog says, ''I hate liver and cheese.''

She says, ''That's not creative.''

Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, ''Liver alone......cheese mine.''

What's gray on the inside and clear on the outside?

An elephant in a plastic bag.

No. What's red and white on the outside, and gray and red on the inside?

Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.

GEBIV - you might as well start unloading the elephant jokes over here. You KNOW you want to :-)

One day, an old guy gets on a bus. Several minutes later a punk kid with red, green, and orange hair gets on. The kid notices that the old man keeps staring at him.

"What you staring at, old man? Ain't you ever done anything wild in your time?"

"Yeah. I screwed a parrot once. I was wondering if you were my son?"

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi.... I'm so glad that you called.... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time.... Oh, that sounds terrific.... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

.. where the fuck is the Bartender?..

Eric - shut the fuck up & have some Glenlivet!

...Sorry, thought *I* was the Bartender for a sec... Heh.

He popped into my comments a few weeks back, but I haven't heard from him lately. Figure the least I can do is keep the place warm until he puts something up.

Him being my blogson & all... family, ya know...

Meanwhile...

A penguin was driving his car down the highway when steam began to pour out of the hood. He pulled into a repair shop and asked the mechanic to fix his car. The man said to come back in half an hour. So while he waited the penguin went across the street to the bar, and ordered a glass of milk. Since penguins don't have hands to hold glasses, he spilled some milk on his beak. When he returned to the mechanic, he asked what was wrong with his car. The mechanic said it looked like he blew a seal.

I refuse to dignify that last joke with a comment.

Oh! Damn.

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

What goes:

Vroom! Screech! Vroom! Screech! Vroom! Screech!?

A blonde in a corvette, at a flashing red light.

Two brunettes were standing on a railroad track, jumping up and down yelling, "99! 99! 99!"

A blonde sees them, and not knowing what they are doing, but not wanting to look stupid by asking, starts jumping along with them yelling, "99! 99! 99!"

Just then a train comes along, and the brunettes, seeing that it is coming, jump out of the way. But the blonde who is facing them, doesn't see it in time and is killed.

The two brunettes wait till the train has passed, and get back on the tracks and start jumping up and down yelling. "100! 100! 100!"

(And I'm comment #100! Yay! *thud*)

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy - part 1

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy - part 2

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy – part 3

21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!

Every morning Bill Clinton takes a jog in his new home town of
Chappaqua.

Each day he passes a hooker on a particular street corner and, as he
goes by, she shouts out, "fifty dollars ", and he replies, "no, five
dollars!"

This continues for several days. He runs by, she says, "fifty dollars,"
and he says, "no, five dollars! "

One day, Hillary decides that she wants to go jogging with Bill. As they
are approaching the now infamous street corner, Bill suddenly realizes
that the hooker will bark out her $50 offer and that he will have some
explaining to do with the junior Senator.

As they turn the corner, Bill is still in a quandary as to what to do.

Sure enough, there is the hooker. The hooker looks up as Bill and
Hillary jog by and yells to Bill, "See what you get for five dollars? "

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy – part 4

31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy – part 5

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy – part 6

51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

Osama bin Laden threatened Russia:

If you get caught up in this war... I'll hide from you too!

What do you call a man with hair between his teeth?

Gladiator!

There once was this bar with a sign in its window. It read, anyone who can make my horse laugh will have all the drinks they want on the house. So this guy walks in and asks if he can give it a try. The bartender says sure.

The cowboy walks out there and whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The guys walks in and the bartender gives him the drinks. The next night the same guy and the same thing happens.

The third night the sign is changed to making the horse cry. The guy goes out side and a few minutes later he comes back in and the horse is crying.

The bartender says 'o.k. you can have your drinks but first tell me what you did to make my horse laugh.'

The cowboy said, 'I told him my dick was bigger than his.'

'O.K. but how did you make him cry?'

The cowboy replied, 'I proved it to him.'

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, “Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?”

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, “Do you have anything for this?”

The lady looked closely at her and replied, “Have you tried Clearasil?”

Freshman Guide to Bra Removal

OBJECTIVE
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.

WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense

TECHNIQUES
1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.

DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.

WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) "I really want to thank you for this."
2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3) "Do you have any cereal?"

When is a Gnome not a Gnome?

When he's got his head up a Fairy's dress he's a Goblin!

Tammi - LOL! So THAT'S what Fred's been up to lately :-)

My turn:

This housewife got tired of being alone everyday since her husband was at work and her 3 daughters were in school, so she decided to get a pet to keep her company. She walks into the local pet store and tells him that she wants a talking parrot. The clerk tells her that they do have 1 talking parrot, but that she wouldn't like him.

''Why not? '' She asks.

''Well, he has been around a bit and has picked up some colorful language, and you did say that you have a family,'' he replied.

''Well, my girls are old enough and they've heard it all. Just let me see him.''

The clerk finally agrees to show the lady the parrot and she insists on purchasing it right away. When she got home she covered the cage with a towel and went to get dinner ready for the family.

When she uncovered the cage, ''Brawkk!'' said the parrot, looking around. ''New place. New Madam. Morning Madam.''

''Uh, morning parrot,'' she said and then went to make breakfast. A few minutes later her daughters game down stairs, dressed and ready for school.

''Brawkk! New place. New Madam. New Girls. Morning Girls.''

''Morning Parrot,'' they replied and went to help their mother get breakfast ready. Soon the man of the house came down unshaven and in his bathrobe.

''Brawkk! New place. New Madam. New Girls. Same old customers. Morning Phil!''

What is the square root of 69?

Ate something.

WOMAN WHO MARRIED GNOME SEPARATES

A woman who was happily married to a gnome for only one year is now seeking a divorce.

She stated in a recent press interview “ I knew he was extremely short when I married him, but when it came to sex there were problems. When we were nose to nose his toes were in it and when he was in it, he disappeared altogether and I had no one to talk to.......and I am sick and tired of him putting a bucket on my head and swinging on the handle!”

tell me again that height doesn't matter! ;-)

LOL! Tammi :-D

Just trying to picture you with Blake's gnome :-)

One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers. The priest tells the nuns that since they have been good and have upheld the standards of the church, they can do whatever they want for 24 hours.
After 24 hours, the priest calls the nuns back in and asks what they did. The first nun says, ''I had sex with two men at one time.''

The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.'' The second nun tells the priest, ''I robbed a bank for $25,000.''

The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''

The third nun tells the priest, ''I killed a woman that I have wanted dead all my life.''

The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''

The priest said to the fourth nun, ''Okay, what sin did you commit.''

The fourth nun says, ''I pissed in the holy water.'''

Hey - that's pretty close to my favorite nun joke. Remind me to tell you (if I haven't already) at dinner in May!

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"

"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"

"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."

The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.

Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"

"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."

Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"

In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

"Man," said one sperm. "When are we going to get to the fallopian tubes?"

"You idiot," said the other. "We haven't even left the stomach yet."

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

Harvey, everytime I hear that joke It makes my penis flinch in pain.... (shudder)

The Raffle

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

Tammi - ROTFL! :-)

My turn:

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University:
In-class Assignment for Wednesday:

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his other immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. The following was actually turned in by two of my English students, Rebecca [last name deleted] and Gary [last name deleted.] "

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Au'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, “All lawyers are assholes.”

A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”

He replies, “No, I'm an asshole.”

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

He says, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have anal sex with a nun."

She responds, "Well, I can probably help you with that. Are you single? And you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

[hat tip: Eros Blog]

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"

The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

[Yeah, I'm sleeping on the couch tonight]

They also got overly emotional and started crying about past relationships.

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not," asks the golf club.

"You'll be driving later," replies the bartender.

A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.

The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?

The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

Drink fault-finding guide
A solution to all of your drinking troubles

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were
spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink
dress -
sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a
large,
silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He
jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he
grunted
and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He
suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering
her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla
got

even more excited making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to
show

a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the
bars
down.
Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him, he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage,
flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

Now, tell HIM you have a headache!

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangerovers.
For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager
Forever and ever,
Barmen.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

Top ten ways to know you have a drinking problem?

OOPS - forgot the title - It's "Signs that you're drunk" :-)

Anyway

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary."