People are always asking me - and by "always" I mean "never" - "Hey, Harv! How'd you end up slingin' hooch in a sleazy dive like Madfish Willie's?"
Well, it all started shortly after I got married...
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a
beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the
door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany,
Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that
he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop.... but at the
bar..you know..they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy
Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so
frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll,
but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are
really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I
promise...OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She
opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors
d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps,
and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know, there's
swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT
DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR FUCKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FUCKING BAR! THAT SHIT IS
OVER...GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
[hat tip to my Blogless Brother Roy]
Here's one I found on a joke site for you Harv.
Harvey was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon
after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big
black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my
cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death
or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Harvey decided to accept the latter
alternative. So the black bear had his way with Harvey.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Harvey soon recovered and vowed
revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the
black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his
shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The
grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Harvey. That was my cousin and
you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or I have sex with
you."
Again, Harvey thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear
than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Harvey.
Although he survived, it took several months before Harvey fully
recovered. Now Harvey was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska
and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet
revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He
turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Harvey, you don't come
here for the hunting, do you?"
Well... I can't get that sorta thing from my wife, ya know...
Posted by: Harvey on June 19, 2005 09:22 AM