Picking Up The Pieces

[Continued from The Titty Bar Debacle]

We get in our trucks and head back over to Madfish Willie's. This time, Harvey's driving. He won't let Blackfive drive in his current condition. He's a little easier for me to follow - but not much. He drives like a madman, too.

It's getting to be about the time that the joint really packs out. As we pull into the parking lot, I see the line snaking out the door. Good thing we have reserved parking spaces close to the door. As we jump out of the truck, Blackfive makes us repeat our oath not to tell. We repeat it (Harvey still has his fingers crossed) and head toward the club.

Shit, Susie is gonna kill us for being gone so long. St John of Argghh!!! is working the door, making sure we don't get overcrowded and have the Fire Marshall down here jacking with us. We squeeze by the people in line. They start raising hell.'Yaya ya ya ya' is all I hear.

A scream is heard that drowns out the sound system. It's Susie. "Damn you guys! Where the hell have you been? I told you 'no titty bars!' Blah, blah, blah, blah." She throws a glass at us. We all duck. I hear the sound of something whizzing by my ear as the glass hits the wall and shatters.

Lord Spatula I is behind the bar helping out our bartenders, Jennifer and Linda K, by washing dirty glasses and icing down the beer. All of a sudden, here comes a beer bottle - a full bottle! It misses us by a mile [smash!] Glass and foam fly everywhere.

"Assholes!" he shouts at us.

Blackfive: "Dammit, Spatula, at least you can throw the empties. That's good beer yer wastin' like that!"

"G-d-dammit. Quit throwin shit at me. It's all Blackfive and Harvey's fault. They drug me over there. Throw that shit at them, not me!"

Boy, it really pisses me off when people throw shit at me. I've been hit in the back with too many ashtrays during my bartending days. I guess I had it coming tonight, though. Tonight only, no more.

As we shuffle past the bar, Jennifer and Linda start hollering for change and more whiskey. Crap... I forgot to leave they keys to the liquor room with Susie. I flip my club keys to Jennifer and she heads to the back toward the liquor room. I help Spatula get the bartenders caught up. I guess I'm gonna have to buy Spatula's beer all night for helping the bar babes out while we were gone. There go the profits.

Blackfive walks up to Linda and orders his usual - 6 beers. And, he orders a triple shot of Tequila - to get the taste out of his mouth probably. Linda asks him if he's alright. Shaking his head no, he downs the tequila all in one gulp and shudders for a few seconds. You know what I mean. Then, instead of going over and hanging out with the Corner of the Bar Gang, he finds the lone empty table in the joint. Sitting down, in silence - for once in his life.

I look around the room to see what needs my attention. As the proprietor of this fine joint, I need to make sure everyone has what they need. I check the DJ booth - it looks like SilverBlue is up there. Spinning some fine tunes, volume cranked up to 11, mirror ball spinning spots around the room, fog machine spewing too much smog, and making announcements about something. I can't ever tell what he's saying - he mumbles too much. I gotta get him over to the titty joint to see how a real announcer works.

I walk up toward the front door through the aisle in front of the bar. Linda's at the end of the bar, giving some poor bastard a whole rash of shit. Apparently, he was messing with the tip jars. She's really beating this guy up - verbally, I mean! Damn, I wish I could do it like that! Hey, he's lucky that she's not on this side of the bar, kicking his dumb-ass all over the place - it's been known to happen. Lucky that Spatula is at the other end of the bar, working, or he would be getting Texas Style Ass Whoopin'. A good one, too! Don't fuck with the bartenders' money - ever!!!

Dana, America's #1 Pin Up Girl, is taking cover charge. Tonight we have a live band (as opposed to a dead one?) and we have to charge so we can cover the cost of the band and lights and all the other shit that goes with live music. She's hollering something about needing change for big bills. I bring her back a stack of fives from the office.

"The Beer Tub Babe called in. She isn't gonna' be here tonight" she informs me.

Well... Crap... Just what I need... another friggin problem... what to do...

Just then, Serenity struts through the door, brushing past St John without showing ID and strolling past Dana without paying the cover - one of the privileges of being one of Madfish Willie's Corner of The Bar Babes! WOW! Is she dressed to kill - what Blackfive likes to call a "Girl with a Short Skirt and Long Jacket". What an animal! [shaking my head in disbelief that she looks sooo... sooo... yummy!]

Serenity, you wanna' make a bunch of money tonight?

[slap] She smacks me across the face.

"What's that for? I just wanted to know if you want to be the Beer Tub Babe tonight? The regular girl called and can't make it tonight. She always make a ton of money and I thought maybe you would please help me out and at the same time have a little fun and make yourself some long green." I have a round-about way of asking for help. Actually, Serenity would be pulling my ass out of the fire by doing this - did I mention she will also make a fortune?

She reluctantly agrees, "Sure, why not? You did say I am going to make some serious cash, right?"

So, I get Spatula to help me set up the Beer Tub for Serenity. We are just about ready, and look up as she pushes her way through the crowd of guys that have been surrounding her. I go over everything with her, and she goes to work, pulling cold beers out of the ice, popping bottle tops, taking money, making money.

As I watch all the "hard-ons" order their beer, and tip her out more than they pay for the friggin beer, I realize "Shit she's gonna make more money than I am tonight - that's not fair!"

Straight White Guy, who's been standing there watching Serenity open beers with me (and everybody else in the place), tells me, "I really hate to tell you this, bro', but her dress rides up in the back when she bends over to get beer and shows off a lot of her... er... assets!"

I walk up beside her and talk into her ear, "Damn, Serenity, no wonder you're making so much money. Every time you reach over a get a beer, the guys in front of you look down your dress, and the guys in back of you look up your dress."

[slap] She smacks me across the face - again.

"What did I do? I was just trying to tell you, so you could... I don't know... do something... I thought... you should... be aware..."

"Get your ass out of here and let me make some money" she yells back.

Damn, I'm really taking an ass kicking tonight. I'm gotta put a stop to this shit!

I make my way back up to the bar. Sitting over in their Special Reserved Seats, under the plaques with their names on them nailed to the furr-down above their heads, are Emperor Misha and Frank J. They're laughing their asses off. Harvey is too! Oh, shit - Harvey told. That fucker. We gave our word to Blackfive, who has just stated his third round of 6 beers. We'll never hear the end of that crap now!

I set Spatula up with a bar tab for the rest of the night for helping us out. "Spatula, get your beers from Linda for the rest of night and she'll take care of it for you. Just don't forget to tip her!"

"Thanks, dude" he replies.

"No, Thank You for helping us out"

Finally, I have everything working smoothly - like a well oiled machine. Damn, I'm good! I'm standing over by the Corner of The Bar Gang, listening to them telling lies to anyone who'll stand still long enough. Sometimes, even the Corner of Bar Babes get tired of their gibberish and walk off. They're drinking like fish tonight - must have been a hard day at the office.

I finally notice. There's something going a little weird with the music. Something... well... not quit... on. Having been a bartender for so long and training myself to not hear the music, I have to really concentrate on listening to it. Otherwise, it's just background noise to me.

Anyway, have I told you about the Corner of the Bar Babes yet? I don't know if anyone would come in here if they weren't always hanging out. They are the best looking, hottest babes in town! Always dressed to the nines... smart too. It's fun to watch the guys hitting on 'em, trying to pick 'em up, and then get totally destroyed by someone they thought was a bimbo. They sure make the joint look better. Especially when they hang around with the Corner of The Bar Gang. The Corner of The Bar Gang is kinda' like their big brothers, watching over 'em, making sure no one messes with 'em in Madfish Willie's.

Meanwhile, Heather and Candy have finally shown up. They're hanging out by the end of the bar with The Gang.

Heather's wearing her trademark short black skirt, and why not? She has great legs... she just had them lengthened... now they go all the way to the top! Must be from all that competitive bicycling! And, she doesn't like me telling people this but, she has a great set of boobs! She always wears a baggy blouse so you can't see 'em, but I can tell.

Candy, meanwhile, is the prankster of The Babes. Plus she has this whole Southern Belle thing going on, kinda like Jodi Foster in Maverick. You know the scene where they are on the riverboat for the card game, Maverick leaves to scam the Russian dude, and when he comes back, she is surrounded by all those other guys - that's Candy. Candy is tall and rather er... busty! Lots of fun to look at (and talk to). Mmm... Candy.

Back to the music... I'm listening and I don't believe my ears. I mean, what the fuck is he playing?
Hound Dog... You're a Legend in Your Own Mind... Copacabana... Lola... Hobo's Blues... Papa Hobo... Hobo Humpin Slobo Babe...? Everybody, and I mean everybody, is looking around with that incredulous look on their faces wondering what is going on. I run over to the sound booth. That's not SilverBlue! That's Evil Glenn in a man-wig! In my DJ booth! [He must really like to play dress up] The Gang and The Babes see him at the same time I do. They all rush toward the booth. There is a mass of humanity flying everywhere. Ahead of me, I'm pushing people to the sides trying to make an aisle to get to Evil Glenn. Behind me, people are flying every-which-a-way as the freight train of regulars steam toward Evil Glenn. There is murder in the air. Evil Glenn sees all this out the corner of his eye and heads toward the emergency exit on the far side of the room. I'm right behind him and as I reached out to grab him some asshole trips me. As I fall to the ground, I reach out trying to catch my balance and take several other customers down. I'm lookiing at the guy who tripped me. It's Blackfive - drunk as a skunk! Now there is a pile of people on the ground and no one can get to Evil Glenn as he escapes into the dark night.

Blackfive: "Ssshorry... mannn, i wassssh jussst... tryinnnn to hhhrlp"

Harvey: "Get your ass up Matt, you drunken idiot!"

"We have to put a stop to this shit and right now!" I yell to no one in particular.

Frank J: "That's it. Time to break out the Ninjas."

Misha: "The Rott stays here at Willie's till we get that evil bastard! We don't want him in here fucking up the joint."

The Babes in unison: "Let's kick his ass real good!" Damn, they're tough!

"Shit... Evil Glenn manages to escape one more time. Well, we'll get him next time if it kills me!" I moan.

We do learn one more thing about the most evil and sinister blogger known to man. Evil Glenn wears bad man-wigs and plays really crappy music.

Cheers!