Tales From The Champagne Room

It's Sunday and time for another Madfish Willie's edition of Tales From The Champagne Room!

[Remember: There is no sex in The Champagne Room]

advisory.gif     ChampagneRoom.jpg

I got the title for my series from an HBO special with Chris Rock. Check it out!

Madfish Willie's, the #1 Yahoo search for The Champagne Room!

As we are Dancing with the pink torpedo:

The Bloggers that e-mailed their Tales From The Champagne Room links to me get posted "above the fold" with gratuitous linkage in their post description. The others that I gleaned from my browsing this week will be in the extended section. So, without further dealy....

Our bonnie Heather from Angleweave sends us The Grinning Masturbator. Wipe that smile off your face!

Helen from DramaQueen from has some Hot Pussy.

Helen, hottest babe in the blogosphere, from Everyday Stranger wants her Shake To Go, Please!

Susie from Practical Penumbra send us Alice Interviews My Penis About the Economy from Bloviating Inanities.

Trey Givens from TreyGivens.com wishes us a Very Merry Adult Christmas.

Eric from Straight White Guy Beds a Virgin!

That's all for the mail in entries this week. The rest of the work I did and you'll have to click through to the expanded extry to read them.

Bible Sex Stories: Abraham Visits The Maid.

Graumagus from Frizzen Sparks regals us with Men In Kilts

Robert from Xset has found the oldest penis in the world!

DaGoddess tells us about the new Penis Patch.

She follows that with a story about her crooked nipples?

Anna at Primal Purge asks Do Your Decorations Have That Not-So-Fresh Feeling?

From Heather again: Busty Redheaded Bunny Pictures.

Trey Givens has a pic about kittens and masturbastion. Go see it!

What would a Tales From The Champagne Room! be without Pervey's sick twisted mind?

And I'll leave you with this gem from Mike the Marine:

The World's Greatest Break-Up Letter

Dear Terri:
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking.

Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

It's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Terri." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at the Rainbow Room and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, Terri, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right?

But as I sat on the couch being blown by this coed, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so surface. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Terri? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a quart of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Terri, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you, baby. Jesus, Terri, I'm just going crazy without you.

And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Mt. Sinai Baptist Church? Well, she drops by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we have a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're fucking in our old bedroom. And this broad's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about God and her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity.

So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Terri ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid." (Some of this I thought about later.) You know what I mean? What happened to our spontaneity? You get so caught up in the routine of a marriage and you just lose sight of each other. And then you lose yourself. That's the saddest part of all for me. But I keep thinking we can get it back. I know we can, because I only want this stuff with you.

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Shannon's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders. She's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. (She's pulling for us to get back together, Terri. She really is.)

So we're drinking in the hot tub and talking about happier times. Here's this hot girl with the same DNA as you (although, let's face it, she got an extra helping of the sexy gene) and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Shannon's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside the steaming hot Dutch oven of your sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, baby. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. I keep thinking that I think if you'd just try it, I wouldn't have to pressure you so much.

Because who needs all that bitterness, Terri? It just tears us apart. And I can't be apart from you. Because I love you.

» by Madfish Willie on December 14 :: Permalink :: Comments (13) :: Champagne Room
» Practical Penumbra links with: Kvetching up
» Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love links with: Monday Menagerie
» DramaQueen links with: champagne anyone?
» www [dot] margilowry [dot] com links with: Mood music
» Ramblings of SilverBlue links with: Bring on the Link-Luv™
» Practical Penumbra links with: Bestofme Symphony #16

Trackbacks to Tales From The Champagne Room
Kvetching up
Excerpt: It's just not fair!!!! It's really not. Everything happens in the blogosphere as soon as I leave for work Sunday morning, and by the time I get home Sunday night (or rather, Monday morning) there's so much to catch up on reading-wise, I don't even get ...
Weblog: Practical Penumbra
Tracked: December 15, 2003 09:45 AM
Monday Menagerie
Excerpt: Kevin's Wizbang Web Log Awards are posted. No surprise that I didn't win Best New Blog (but at least I didn't lose to that site-meter-cheater Rush Limbaughtomy). My heart-felt ongratulations to Allah - from the little Satan, Blackfive! Send him
Weblog: Blackfive - The Paratrooper of Love
Tracked: December 15, 2003 12:09 PM
champagne anyone?
Excerpt: Madfish Willie has posted his weekly Tales from the Champagne Room, a regular roundup of the perviests posts in the blogosphere. Somehow I managed to make it onto the list with some hot pussy, but we all know how not...
Weblog: DramaQueen
Tracked: December 15, 2003 04:03 PM
Mood music
Excerpt: My mood, lately -- well -- let's just say that...
Weblog: www [dot] margilowry [dot] com
Tracked: December 16, 2003 03:30 AM
Bring on the Link-Luv™
Excerpt: Susie gets her days confused (it's Wednesday, hon, even if it's your "Saturday") Charlie Daniels Rocket Jones has an interesting post in which is shows us a picture of himself! Tink is sick. So she gets two links. Revog gets...
Weblog: Ramblings of SilverBlue
Tracked: December 17, 2003 09:31 AM
Bestofme Symphony #16
Excerpt: Frostbite Falls Gazette Volume XII Issue 3 March 22, 2003_____________________________________________35 cents Bullwinkle J. Moose muses that "Because we're soaking in it, we don't realize what a grip the baby boomers have on today's culture." Gary Cru...
Weblog: Practical Penumbra
Tracked: March 21, 2004 11:30 PM

Whoever was on-line tonight on 12.13.2003 at 7:36pm from af.mil and you linked over here from my old blogspot site, http://madfishwillies.blogspot.com/, according to my sitemeter statistic report you were my 10,000 viewer.

I guess this is some type of milestone, as I've seen other sites mention it. So, I thought maybe I should recognize it as well.

Thank you very much for coming over to the joint for a few jokes and some cold beers! And thanks to both my other readers for coming over 5,000 times a piece! Your eyeballs must be seared out by now.

Posted by: The Bartender on December 14, 2003 07:59 PM

trust a fucking ZOOMIE to steal my seat at the bar..goddamn WINGNUTS...anyway, thanks for the link, bartender..I'll have the usual..

Posted by: Eric on December 14, 2003 09:03 PM

*waves* thanks for having me, Bartender :). I think you got the URL to 'Hot Pussy' just a little wrong though! http://www.dfunkd.com/dramaqueen/archives/2003_12.html#000349

Posted by: Helen (goldie) on December 14, 2003 09:43 PM

That break up letter kicked a clown's ass. I just loved it. Bravo to the best bartender in the world! -Helen (the original Helen!)

Posted by: Helen on December 15, 2003 02:26 AM

Ok, it's Tuesday, and there's nothing new. I've never known the Bartender to shut his fucking yap for more than 24 hours before, and I'm getting worried....

...actually, I'm just going to take advantage of the situation

[hopping behind bar]


Posted by: Harvey on December 16, 2003 10:23 AM

Ok, top shelf's empty...

... Oh look. Jello shots in the fridge. Belly up to the bar, folks.

Posted by: Harvey on December 18, 2003 12:19 PM

mmmm! Jello shots!! Save me all the lime and cherry!!!

[Where are you, Barkeep????? We're bankrupting you here!]

Posted by: Susie on December 18, 2003 02:47 PM

Isn't there a Guinness keg back here somewhere? Ahhhhh.... THEEERRRREE it is. Come on Harv, let's tap that sucker and have some of the dark stuff before the Bartender gets back.

He better return with some tale of how he was kidnapped and placed in a dungeon by Evil Glenn. There's no other excuse for him being gone this long!

Posted by: Mike the Marine on December 18, 2003 10:25 PM

Here's your glass O'Guinness... Once the keg is finished I'm thinking we start checking the jails in Tijuana.

Or the whorehouses...

Posted by: Harvey on December 19, 2003 10:55 AM

Hey!!1 You guys are on double secret probation to ba barred for that. I saw every bit of that and it's coming out of your bar tab gaddammit! Shit, I can't turn around for a second.

<mumbling>Fucking no count, cheap winos stealing all my shit...</mumbling>

Posted by: The Bartender on December 19, 2003 09:12 PM

I'm a little behind on my reading and now, after reading the breakup letter, I'm in no condition to read anything else for a while. High five for that post.

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